


Me and You

by Wakinguptired (CrossedColts)



Category: Video Blogging RPF, jacksepticeye, markiplier - Fandom
Genre: Cry is super protective, Denial, Drunk Sex, F/M, Felix is a cupcake, First Time, Jack cries a lot, M/M, Mark's kind of an asshole, Mpreg, Multi, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-14
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-05-26 15:12:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 184,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6244729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrossedColts/pseuds/Wakinguptired
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being eighteen and pregnant is hard. </p>
<p>Being eighteen, pregnant and having the father of your baby come from a one night stand is worse. </p>
<p>Being eighteen, pregnant, having the father of your baby come from a one night stand and being a man is the worst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "On a lawn?"

Sunday, August 16th

The music was blaring, it was way too loud for anyone to hear anything but hey, what use did a healthy high school senior have for his ears anyway? I could feel the floor vibrating beneath my feet. Everyone around me was piss drunk and they were definitely acting like it too.

Girls were grinding up against guys, swaying their hips to the music, one girl had even stripped right down to her underwear and had been grinding up against Royce McCormick, and people were cheering for the girl getting fingered in the corner and the guy getting a blowjob in the bathroom. High school students are weird.

I sighed, I didn't know why I'd even been invited to this damn party, I wasn't friends with anyone here, people had the tendency to ignore me if given the option and in all honesty, I was bored as shit. Yet, here I was, standing alone and watching my classmates make asses of themselves with a glass of vodka and Coke in hand.

School was starting in two days and the party was something people called "The Late Summer Party" that one of the more "popular" guys organised every year. That was another mystery to me - why had I been invited to a party thrown by a person that I clearly didn't even know the name of?

My life wasn't nearly exciting enough to catch their attention; I went to school, I came home, I did what I had to do and went to bed. I didn't really socialise and the only friend I really had was Brooke, or Dodger as she preferred, my neighbor and best friend.

Not that I was bullied, my school was right about this; no one around here was ever bullied, people thought about themselves and lived their lives without worrying about wasting time and energy to torture someone else around here. No, I have never been bullied, I just never had many friends.

It was difficult to understand why though. I was neither shy nor stupid, nor bad, nor covetous, nor eccentric, neither clumsy nor particularly annoying or socially inept. People just didn't pay me any attention and there was a very small amount of people who knew my name, perhaps six or seven people in a school of a thousand students. Sometimes I'd approach someone and we'd have a nice talk then the next time we meet they'd forget my name and then the time we met after that, they'd forgotten my existence.

I wasn't exactly happy with that. I became rather lonely after a while and I started to sit alone at lunch every day - since Dodger had moved to a private school outside the city - I always worked alone in group projects unless the teachers chose them for us, I didn't have anyone to go out with after school; No, I didn't like this, but that was how it was and after all this time, I'd gotten pretty used to it.

School would be over for me in a year, I thought it was kinda stupid to start looking for new friends now.

I looked at my glass, which was still half full, and sighed again. Alcohol had never been my best friend. Every time I drank, not very often considering I had no one to do it with apart from Dodger, I ended up doing something that I would regret the next day and I'd wake up with a sore head and an awful feeling in my stomach and I'd always come to the conclusion that it wasn't worth it. However I emptied the rest of the glass in three big gulps. The liquid burned my throat and I grimaced, wondering if I put 'a little too much Vodka' into the glass.

"Hey," said a voice behind me. I was about to turn around, but then I realized that, whoever he was, he wasn't talking to me, so I rolled my eyes and I continued to look at the mess of people. 

"Hey? Could you at least turn around?" The voice said, this time more persistent.  
I frowned and turned my head just to see who it was.

He was popular, I could tell, I'd seen him around before but I couldn't remember his name. He was only a little taller than me with long dark lashes, a pair of glasses on the bridge of his nose and bright red hair.

"Um, can you hear me?" The boy said with a confused tone. "Hey? I'm talking to you with the green shirt and black pants," he continued.

I looked at my clothes, and I realized that I was wearing a green shirt and black pants. Still a bit hesitant, I turned and confronted the boy. He was raising a glass to his lips and smiled when he'd noticed I'd turned to look at him.

"Finally! I was beginning to think you were deaf or something," he said. I smiled back at him.

"Sorry, wasn't sure ya were talkin' to me," I said.

"Well it was obvious. I've seen you around school, what's your name?"

I sighed. Of course he didn't know my name (Then again, I didn't know his.)

"Sean, but uh, call me Jack."

"That's right, Jack," he said with a broad smile.

"You're not gonna tell me yer name?" I asked.

The boy raised his eyebrows, looking at me as if trying to figure out whether or not I was kidding.

"Mark," he said after a few seconds.

"Well, it's nice to meet you Mark," I said and smiled.

"So, Jack, are you enjoying the party?"

I shrugged.

"Honestly, it's not really my thing, don't even know why I'm here."

"Because it's the last chance to get drunk before school starts," said Mark, and he raised his glass in salute before taking a sip.

"Even so, isn't my thing, I don't even know anyone here."

"Well, you know me now, can I get you a drink?"

I was going to reject the offer, thinking that for that night I'd had enough, but then I realized it was the first time in my life that somebody came to me and started a conversation of his own accord, and I did not want to mess it up .

"Yeah, thanks," I said and Mark's smile widened.

"Great! What do you drink?" He questioned.

"Vodka, but not Bacardi, smooth," I replied.

"I like you," he smiled. "Be right back," he added before turning and going into the kitchen.

I smiled slightly, congratulating myself for having found someone to talk to. Ok, he found me, but I was very happy to talk to someone who wanted my company.

Mark returned a few minutes later, carrying two glasses, one of which he gave to me, and a full bottle of clear liquid.

"Are ya plannin' to get drunk?" I asked him jokingly with a nod toward the bottle.

"Maybe," he said. "Wanna go outside? It's really noisy in here. "

It was true. It was a miracle that we didn't need to scream to be able to hear each other. I nodded and he led me outside with my glass still in hand then Mark sat on the ground with his back against the wall.

"Come, sit down," he invited me after seeing that I had no intention of moving, and I continued to look at him. After being forced, I sank down beside him spilling some of the contents of my glass on my pants.

Then everything happened very quickly. We sat in silence for a while, finishing our drinks and then we took turns to drink directly from the bottle. My mind had become increasingly blurred, more and more dazed by alcohol, and before I knew it, I found myself sitting in Mark's arms, laughing at something he said that probably wasn't even funny.

"Come on, let's go for a walk," Mark said with determination. He pushed me off of him then stood up and looked down at where I sat on the ground.

"But why?" I whined.

"Because I don't wanna sit here, duh."

"Oh ... yeah, right."

Somehow the walk had ended with me on the grass on my hands and knees, away from the prying eyes of the people, and my boxer shorts down at my knees as Mark pushed violently inside me. It hurt, so bad, like I was tearing, and tears gushed from my eyes quickly. But at the same time it was incredible.

The mixture of pleasure and pain caused me to erupt with small and broken moans from time to time, and I felt his ragged breathing over my head. He kept his grip on my hips and I knew that I'd have bruises there in the morning. It didn't take more than five minutes to cum and then I collapsed to the grass beneath me, breathing heavily, feeling the sensation of pain in my body and twinges of pain in my ass. I heard Mark lie down next to me and I opened my eyes to find a grin plastered on his face.

"You weren't half-bad," he said.

"Thanks," I sighed, "Neither were you."

And that was the last thing I remembered before falling asleep.

Tuesday, August 17

When I awoke the next morning, it took me a few seconds to realize that I was safely hidden under the sheets of my bed. I blinked a few times, trying to remember last night.

Party ... vodka ... Mark ... courtyard ... more vodka straight from the bottle ... fucking on the lawn.

I groaned. I had gotten fucked by a guy that I didn't know, while drunk, positioned on all fours on a lawn. What kind of person would do that? Especially their first time.

Well, the first time with a boy at least. A few years ago, Brooke and I were having sex at least once a week - as friends with benefits - but she was a girl and it was very different to be the receiver. I tried to roll out of bed, with great difficulty as a stabbing pain shot up my spine and my head began sinning.

"Oh my God," I groaned, squeezing my eyes shut.

I had sex with Mark. No, I had been fucked by Mark. It couldn't have been called anything other than that, it was too rough, too dirty to be anything else. I'd always imagined my first time being more romantic, imagined I'd know the person at least.

It had been over a year since I had come to terms with the fact I was gay, but because I had very few friends, I had never had the opportunity to try anything with a guy. Now that I had tried, it had to be the biggest mistake I ever made.

I had no time to think about the incident because at that moment my bedroom door swung open and my twenty year old sister, Juliet, burst in.

"Ma wants to talk to you," she said nonchalantly.

"Great," I muttered.

"Do ya know why she wants to talk to you?"

"If I knew, I still wouldn't tell ya."

I sighed before I finally got up from my bed - wincing in pain - and walked out the door with Juliet right behind me and headed down the stairs to the kitchen. My Ma was sitting at the table with her nose buried in a newspaper and a cup of coffee in front of her.

"Jules said you wanna speak ta me?" I asked, leaning against the door frame, trying to find a position that would have reduced the pain in my lower half without causing concern or suspicion.

My mother looked at me with stern eyes and I knew, instantly, that I'd done something wrong.

"Yes," she said, "Can you explain why I got a call from Felix Kjellberg's mother telling me I had to come get my son because she'd found him passed out with his pants down, on her lawn, hugging a bottle of vodka?"

"Um...can't really explain it." I muttered, scratching the back of my neck.

"Then can you at least tell me why your pants were down?" She asked with narrowed eyes.

"What do ya think?" I muttered once again, she rolled her eyes.

I heard giggling behind me and I spun around, looking towards my sister who was sitting on the sofa covering her mouth with her hands.

"On a lawn?" She chuckled. "Wow Sean, very classy."

"Mind yer own damn business," I snapped, glaring at her while she continued giggling like a twelve year old that just heard the word fart.

"Jack! Leave your sister alone," my Ma snapped, pulling my attention back to her.

"Well, then tell me what the fuck ya want from me," I said sourly.

"First of all I want you to stop talking like that, it's vulgar," she scolded, "And I want to know why you were drunk."

"Pretty obvious, ain't it?"

Ma sighed.

"Who was she then? Do you have a girlfriend?"

"Ma, don't ya think if I had a girlfriend I'd respect her a little more than ta fuck her on a lawn?"

"I'm glad that you have some respect but you know you did have sex with a girl and, even though she's not your girlfriend, she did not deserve to be treated that way."

I wondered if she would say the same thing if I told her I was gay and that the person with whom Id had sex with was a boy. Probably not. She'd most likely lock me in my room for three weeks and try to figure out what to do. Not that she was homophobic, but our family was a little ''old fashioned" and it was important for her to maintain a perfect façade for our family, especially after my dad left us six years earlier.

"Yeah, I know an' I won't do it again," I said quietly. My head had started to throb and I had a strange feeling of discomfort in my stomach so I didn't care to start a fight.

"Well, now, if you - Jack are you okay?"

She stopped mid-sentence when suddenly, I put my hand over my mouth and ran to the bathroom. I knelt down in front of the toilet and the contents of my stomach churned out with an almost yellow tint. Tears of pain and disgust slipped down my cheeks and I closed my eyes tightly. I kept heaving until my stomach was completely empty and I was left with a sore throat, I pulled the handle to flush and leaned my head against the lid.

"Jack, are you sick?" my mother asked behind me. I turned my head and saw her standing looking at me worried.

"No, I jus' drank too much last night," I muttered before I wiped my mouth with the sleeve of my sweater that somebody - probably my mother - had put me in last night.

She shook her head in resignation, but then gave me a little smile.

"You have to stop drinking. It always ends like that, Jack."

"Yeah, I know. I'll stop," I said, rolling my eyes.

  
Wednesday, August 18

The next day I found myself walking along the corridors of the school building that I had got to know well over the past couple of years.

Before I left home that morning, I worried about the possibility of meeting Mark since I had no idea how to react after that night, but when it came to lunch I couldn't see even a lock of his bright red hair. I felt like I kept glancing over at the table he usually sat at every ten seconds but still, nothing. There had to be a mistake.

When I got up from my table after eating lunch, I headed over to the trash can next to the front door and dropped the empty milk carton into it. Just when I turned ninety degrees to exit from the crowded dining room, I collided with someone.

"Sorry," the boy said, giving me a quick smile that showed pearly white teeth.  
I was going to say 'don't worry about it' when my eyes fell on the boy behind the one with which I had collided.

Oh, fantastic. Mark. He gave me just a quick glance, no sign of apparent recognition on his face. Before I had the chance to say anything the whole group began migrating away from me, including Mark.

My brow furrowed in a mixture of confusion. Did he not remember? Maybe not. I was beside myself. It was probably better that way we wouldn't have to think about what to do when we met so I could just pretend it never happened.

*

The next five weeks passed in peace and quiet. I had gone to school, everyone had ignored me, I had done my homework, I was out with Dodger whenever I had time, Ma had stopped questioning me about my drunken accident about a week after it had happened, and Mark Fischbach was unaware that he was the first to fuck Sean McLoughlin from behind. In other words, things were normal.

That was until October approached, this was when my life took its first step off course.

Thursday, September 23

When I woke up on a Friday at the end of September, the first thing I noticed was that I felt sick. I mean, really sick. I climbed out of bed with my hands over my mouth, feeling the immediate need to make a beeline for the bathroom. 

When I was a few meters away from the bathroom, I felt nauseousness get the upper hand on me and some vomit ended up in my hand before I could put myself in front of the toilet. I felt as if my insides had been torn and like I've thrown up everything there was liquid and solid in my body. I breathed hard and gripped my stomach whilst wishing that my body would stop torturing me.

While I sat there, I heard footsteps behind me, but I didn't bother to turn around.

"Are you sick?" Juliet asked. "Have you been drinking again? Ma's gonna kill ya."

"I havent drinking," I muttered as I wiped a couple of tears falling down my cheeks. "I'm just sick. Can you get Ma, please? "

As soon as the words came out of my mouth I felt another contraction run through my body and leaned on the toilet and began retching.

"Right, okay, I'll go get Ma,"

A couple of minutes later I felt a soft, warm hand start to gently rub my back.

"I wasn't drinkin' this time, I swear," I croaked.

"I know, sweetie" my Ma said. "You should go back to bed. I'll get you a bucket and a glass of water, okay?"

I nodded, but I didn't feel ready to move just yet.

"I hope it's not something serious," she said as she continued to rub my back.

"Probably just a virus," I muttered wearily, "It'll pass in a day or two."

*

The only problem was that, in a day or two, it hadn't passed. I would wake up every morning having to run to the bathroom where I emptied my stomach to the extent of becoming painful. This lasted week after week, and it became more annoying than anything. The strange thing was that it only happened in the morning, during afternoon and in the evening I felt fine, except a few times when I felt ill during the day. My Ma wouldn't let me go to school and this meant that I had to miss a lot, and even though I protested, I realized that she saw that with the way I felt in the mornings, I wouldn't even manage to get to the bus stop.

When four weeks had passed, both my mother and Juliet were beginning to get seriously worried. I tried to convince them - and to convince myself as well - it was all right, and as the days went by and I continued to run to the bathroom every morning, it became increasingly difficult. In addition to throwing up, I was beginning to have a strange feeling in my stomach, not nauseousness, not pain ... Just strange.

Monday, October 25

Once again I was sitting on the bathroom floor, bent over the toilet with wide eyes as I continued to vomit bile. Ma was sitting next to me, looking scared. Not worried, scared.

"Jack, we have to go to the doctor, this isn't normal," she said.

"I know it's not normal but I'm not gonna go to the doctor," I said, and although I felt exhausted, I managed to sound like I could protest further. "It will pass soon, I'm sure."

"Sean, It has been over a month since it started, it won't be over soon."

"Ma, don't -"

"Jack, no," she interrupted. "I'm sorry, I know you're eighteen but as long as you live under my roof you will do as I say. And I say we're going to the doctor. Now."

"Now? Ma, don't ya think it's a little-"

"No, Jack, this has gone on for too long."

"Ma, I ain't going to the doctor, it's my body an' I'll do with it what I please. I am not going to the doctor, final."

*

So, an hour later, I was sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's office with my Ma next to me. I refused to look at her, angry with her for having dragged me there. Doctors really freaked me out, they had needles and syringes and the information necessary for destroying me.

"Sèan McLoughlin" I looked up. A smiling old man was standing beside an open door a few metres to my left. I sighed and stood up, Ma tried to follow but I shook my head.

"Absolutely not," I said firmly. "You dragged me here an' I gotta go in there but I don't want ya to go with me. I'm eighteen, I can handle myself, I don't want you in there when they're gonna ask me a thousand different questions 'bout my body, if there's somethin' wrong then I'll let ya know. "

She looked at me suspiciously for a few seconds, but then sighed and sat back in her chair.

"Okay, but you tell me if there is something serious, is that clear?"

I nodded before heading towards the doctors office. Inside was a man, the doctor, who I approached. He held out a hand which I accepted and he introduced himself as the physician Martin Wright. He seemed nice enough, he had a big round belly that made him look like a beardless Santa Claus.

"So, Mr. McLoughlin, what brings you here?" He asked, when we were both sitting - him at his desk, and myself in a comfortable chair next to it.

"You can call me Jack, an' my Ma forced me ta come here actually," I said.

He chuckled.

"I'm sure she had a good reason for it, Jack."

"Yeah, I suppose," I said scratching my head. "I know why, I've been sick a lot lately, wait scratch that, I've been vomitin' every single mornin' and sometimes durin' the day fer the past four weeks "

"You've been vomiting for the past four weeks, that clearly isn't good" Martin said. "Do you do a lot of physical activity?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm-I don't really do that."

What I meant to say was I'm too fuckin' lazy for that shit.

"Do you have any eating disorders?"

"No."

"Are you under a lot of pressure, pressure with school or friends or family?"

"No."

"Have any of your close relatives suffered from a brain tumor?"

My eyes widened.

"A brain tumor? Um, no, not that I know of," I stuttered. "Could I have a tumour?"

"It's possible, yes. But we'll have to run some tests to know for sure."

A tumor?

Fuck.

People die of cancer.

"Did you have any other symptoms that I should take note of?"

"Such as?"

"Such as fatigue, depression, loss of vision or hearing ..." The list seemed to drag.

"Um, no, I just ... I had a strange feeling in my stomach," I said hesitantly, knowing how dumb it sounded.

"That's odd, Is it like pain or nausea?"

"Um, neither, just ... weird or strange ... I dunno how to explain it."

The wrinkles on his forehead deepened.

"We need to run tests to figure this out. I don't want you to wait since cancer is a possibility, please wait while I make some calls," he said as he took the phone off the desk and began to dial a number.

I sank into the chair and closed my eyes. A tumor. What would have happened if I had cancer? I felt like crying when I thought of the possibilities. Not that my life was so exciting, but I didn't want to die. Obviously I liked being alive; Of course, my life was boring and at times depressing, but it was still my life and I was quite fond of it. And my Ma ... what would she say? I knew that she had four other kids and I wasn't her favourite, but she still loved me and she didn't want me to die.

"Jack?"

The voice of the doctor pulled me out of my whirlwind of thoughts and I opened my eyes.

"If you come with me, we're going to do a couple of blood tests to see if there's anything we can find," he said as he stood up.

I followed.

"Blood test?" I asked.

"You're not a fan of needles I assume. I'm sorry, but we have to do this if we want to find out what's wrong."

"So there's definitely something wrong," I sighed.

"Throwing up every day for four weeks is not normal, Jack," he said. "I think your mother was right to bring you here."

An hour, and a lot of whining and complaining, later we were back in Martin's office.

"Well, we'll have the test results in a week," he said as he looked amongst a pile of papers. "But before then, I'd like to have an ultrasound of your stomach."

I raised my eyebrows.

"An ultrasound? Why?"

"Just to check all the bases, we want to check that there isn't something wrong with your kidneys or your intestines."

"Um, okay, sure," I said hesitantly. "Do I have to ... pull up my shirt, or what?"

He chuckled.

"Lay on the bed over there" he said, and nodded toward it. "And then you can get your shirt off while I prepare the equipment."

I did as he told me, and watched him prepare a big machine and grab a bottle with the word 'gel' printed on it. When I pulled up my shirt, I quickly glanced down at my exposed stomach and a groan escaped from my lips.

"Something wrong?" The doctor asked.

"No, I just think I've put on some weight," I muttered, poking gloomy at my stomach.

"Well, look on the bright side," he laughed. "You're not even a third of my size."

"Yeah, okay, I think I'm good."

He smiled again before pressing a few buttons on the machine, turning it on, then pulled in a pair of gloves, he then splashed some of the gel from the bottle on to my stomach.

"Holy shit, it's cold!" My mouth fell open.

"It will warm up soon," he assured me as he began to move something that I thought sounded like an electric razor on my stomach.

The small screen had shown nothing but a white and black spot for a while and the only sounds I heard were more disgusting than anything.

"'Scuse me, but are we listening and looking at the inside of my stomach right now?" I asked after about a minute.

"Basically, and everything seems to be o -No, wait."

"What? What's wrong?" I asked quickly, eyes glued to the screen which still didn't show anything that would make sense to me.

"There is something here, but I'm not ..." He stopped and when I looked at his face, eyebrows were raised in confusion. That couldn't be a good sign. Doctors should not be confused, doctors are supposed to know what they're doing!

"Um, doctor, I'm freaking out here. What's wrong?" I asked with a nervous laugh.

"I -I'm not quite sure," he said slowly. "Excuse me for asking, but you are male, correct?"

I raised my eyebrows.

"Am I - Look, I know I'm not exactly Chris Hemsworth, but there's no need to insult me."

"No, no, it's not that, it ..." he trailed off again, still with his eyes glued to the screen that still showed a white and black stain. A blur of white and black, and ... something else.

"Doctor ... what is that thing?" I asked, while not entirely sure i wanted to know the answer.

He looked away from the screen and looked at me with confused eyes for a brief moment before answering.

"Do you hear that noise?" he said.

I swallowed hard, but I listened carefully. There was a sound, even though I was pretty sure that it couldn't be defined as a sound ... it wasn't very strong, in fact it was barely audible.

"Yes, I hear it. What's that?" I asked hesitantly.

"I'm not so sure," he said. "If you were female, there would be no doubt, but ... well, you're not."

"Excuse me, but what does this have to do with what gender I am?" I asked confused.

"If you look here," he said, not answering my question, and pointed to the center of the screen. "See that stain that looks a bit 'out of place?" I nodded and swallowed.  
"Well ... I actually don't know how to say it because this is new to me."

"What? ... Am I dying or something like that?" I asked in a trembling voice.

"No, you're not dying," he reassured me quickly.

"Then what? I'm seriously freaking out right now!"

"Okay, I'm going to tell you outright," he sighed. I nodded and bit my lip so hard that I felt the skin break. "Well, Mr. McLoughlin, it appears that you're pregnant."

My mouth fell open.

"Excuse me, what?"


	2. Positive

Monday, October 25  
ten weeks  
   
"Well, Mr. McLoughlin, it appears that you're pregnant."

My mouth fell open.

"Excuse me, what?"

"I understand that it must seem quite impossible, but-"

"It is impossible!" I said aloud, not caring how rude I sounded, I pushed the doctors hand away and glared at him. "It's biologically impossible, doctor! I might not be the most masculine guy in the world, but I'm a guy. I'm very masculine and I can tell ya that I don't have a vagina! I'll drop my pants right here if ya want proof."

"No need," he said with a smile. "I don't doubt that you are male, but Mr. McLoughlin-"

"Jack!"

"I'm sorry. Look, Jack, I don't doubt that you are male, but what was on that small screen before you? That was a child. And those sounds you heard? Those were the heartbeats of that child. "

I shook my head in disbelief. The man was crazy. How the hell was I pregnant? 

Biology was never my favorite subject in school, but I was fairly certain that to make a baby, you need sperm and an egg cell and I might have received the sperm but I didn't have an egg cell. 

"I'm sorry, Doctor, but you can't expect me to believe this," I said as calmly as possible.

"Right now it's hard for me to believe it actually," he said with a wry smile. "But, in all honesty, it makes sense if you take away the fact that you're not female."

"Yes, but I ain't female," I said brightly. "And if I'm not mistaken, being a female is kind of a necessary factor when it comes to conceiving a child."

"I'm aware of what's needed for a pregnancy, but all the evidence seems to lead to this," he then said patiently.

I groaned, certainly he should have been questioning this, right? I shook my head in disbelief, but decided to continue the discussion.

"What do you mean?"

"To begin with, the image on the screen and the sound of the heartbeat," he said. "Then there is the morning sickness, and you also told me you had a strange feeling in your stomach, right?" I nodded. "Morning sickness occurs in eight out of ten women during pregnancy, and some may feel a strange feeling in their stomach for a few weeks. Now, you told me you've been feeling like this as early as four weeks ago." I nodded again. "I'm not an obstetrician, but judging from the baby's heartbeat frequency, I'd say you're around ten weeks. That means that your morning sickness started at around your fifth or sixth week which is usually when women get morning sickness. " 

"Nine or ten weeks, so, that means I must have concieved it..."

I said the last word with a grimace on my face. As much as I hated to admit it, even to myself, everything that the mad doctor had said began to make sense. That is, if it weren't for the fact that I wasn't a woman!

"Well, I would say roughly in the middle of August."

I sighed and when I wanted to start up the 'I'm not a woman' argument again, I wanted this doctor to understand that very well but I couldn't. 

16th of August ... the middle of August ... Oh no. Oh God. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh fuck. It is not ... it is not possible that ... no, no, no, no. This can't be happening! This isn't happening! It's impossible.

It was as if all the blood in my body had rushed to my head, and suddenly I felt dizzy. I closed my eyes for a second before opening them again and met the confused look of a doctor worried about what would happen.

"On August 16th," I whispered.

"Sorry, I don't understand what-" 

"On August 16th," I repeated, a little stronger this time.

"What happened on August 16th?"

I buried my face in my hands, ignoring the sticky feeling of the almost dry gel on my stomach.

"I was at a party and ... I had sex with this guy ...," I murmured. I took a deep breath and looked again. "It was just a ... One night thing, nothing more."

"I assume that you didn't use protection."

"I dunno, I don't remember," I said. "I was pretty drunk, but ... no, I don't think we used any protection."

Martin looked at me with compassion, and ran his fingers through his gray hair.

"I'm assuming that you were the one on the receiving end."

"Yes," I muttered.

"I know this seems completely crazy to you, but I'm afraid that you are indeed pregnant, or at least there is a very high chance."

I swallowed and shook my head, trying to convince myself as much as the doctor that I was not pregnant. I couldn't be.

"Doctor, I ... I know that it makes sense with all the evidence and other things, but I can't be pregnant, even if a guy came in my ass" I said. "I don't have any egg cells and I'm pretty sure that's a big factor but I'm also pretty sure that semen and an asshole doesn't equal a baby."

He smiled.

"I am very aware of all this, Jack, but if we can put aside all the impossibilities of this story for a few minutes, I would like to ask a couple more questions." I sighed, but I nodded. "Now, do you have sex regularly?"

"Um, no, that was the first time in almost a year and a half," I said. "And I don't know if it's relevant, but it was the first time with a guy."

He nodded and I saw him writing something on a small notepad.

"So you're confident enough to say that the man you had sex with that night is the father?" he said. "Assuming that my theory is correct," he added quickly when he saw my mouth open to protest. I nodded but said nothing.

Pregnant. I, Sean McLoughlin, eighteen, male, was pregnant. I couldn't believe it, I really couldn't, but it made sense. Well, it did if you didn't consider the fact that I had neither a womb nor a uterus but it made sense. The alleged child was conceived in mid-August, just after I had sex with a guy for the first time, I had experienced morning sickness, the strange feeling in my stomach ... the sudden weight gain I had noticed only a while ago, it made sense. And then there was the ultrasound, a tiny little white spot that was supposedly the baby and its weak heartbeat. 

My baby's heartbeat a voice said in the back of my head. 

"Okay, if i really am pregnant," I began hesitantly. The doctor nodded and looked at me patiently. "And I'm not saying that I am," I added quickly. "But i have some questions, where the hell would the baby grow? I don't have a womb so there's nowhere for the baby to a grow, And how the hell would I give birth? And how does it stay alive in the first place? When would I start ta show? Would I start gettin' all psycho like pregnant women? An', oh my God, would I start producin' milk like women do? "

Martin smiled and leaned forward to put a hand on my knee.

"First of all, stress isn't good for the baby, so calm down."

I wanted to scream at him that it was hard to calm down and that there was no damn baby, but instead I took a couple of deep breaths, and I mentally told myself that everything would be fine. Eventually my breathing returned to normal and he beckoned to me.

"Okay, I'm sorry, it's jus' a lot ta take in," I said.

"Absolutely understandable," he said. "Well, where the child will grow, how you would give birth, how your body will react and if you'll produce milk are questions I can not answer right away because we will have to do a series of tests to find that out."

I nodded.

"But it would be like a normal pregnancy?"

"It's hard to say, but I think so."

"And .. um, when would I start ta show ?"  
"During normal pregnancy, you might start to show more or less at eight weeks, but it is different from person to person but you said you started to put on a few pounds, so it's possible that you have already started to show. "

I groaned. Two months and I was already beginning to swell like a balloon.

"I'm going to get fat and disgusting, aren't I?"

"Being pregnant is not the same as being fat," he said with a smile. "You'll put on some weight but don't worry, it's likely that it'll go away for the most part once the pregnancy is over."

"Okay," I said.

He smiled briefly, but then his expression grew thoughtful.

"There is a question which I'm surprised you haven't already asked me," he said.

"What?" I asked confused.

"The possibility of an abortion."

"Oh," I said, frowning. "I hadn't thought about it."

"Is it something that you'd consider?"

I scratched the back of my neck.

"Um, I dunno know. I mean, I'm still in high school and havin' a baby at this point is bad enough if you are a girl and you have the guy with ya but I'm single and I'm a guy; people would start gossipin'. And my family, what the hell would I tell them? Then there's the fact that, if it is a baby, it's mine, maybe I'd be able to give it a nice life an' all of that. " I stopped and watched the doctor do the same and flash a soft smile. "Excuse me, are you a doctor or a psychologist," I chuckled.

"It's okay," he crooned. "The abortion limit is twenty-four weeks here, so you have a while to decide."

"Yeah, okay," I said.

I closed my eyes for a second, giving time for the pain in my head to disappear. 

"I just don't understand," I murmured when I opened my eyes. "I'm really pregnant?"

Martin smiled.

"I'm afraid so."

"I'm sorry I had trouble believing it," I said, "It's just real hard to take in." I hesitated before finally asking another question. "Can I avoid telling my Ma? I'm eighteen years old, so if I tell you not to tell, you've gotta listen, right?"

"Yes, I have to."

"Good. I don't think I want her to know just yet, at least until I make up my mind."

"In a few months it will become quite obvious that something isn't right, so you probably won't be able to keep this from her forever."

"I know, I just need a bit of time to think about it" I muttered. "And, uh, you think you can work as a psychologist for just five minutes?"

He smiled.

"Sure. What's going on in your head?"

I sighed and bit my lip.

"I wanted to ask if I should tell him? The guy that did this."

"Now that's a hard question," he said, and leaned back in his chair. "Do you know him?"

"Not really, only his name. He goes to my school, but he's extremely popular and I'm ... well, I'm not sure. I don't think he remembers having sex with me, we were pretty drunk and I doubt he wants to come out. "

"Come out?"

"I mean ... come out. I don't think many people would appreciate a gay football player on their team," he sighed.

"I suppose not. Look, Jack, I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I think it would be better if you told him, especially if you wanted to have an abortion."

I swallowed, knowing that he was absolutely right.

"But what if he doesn't believe me?" I said desperately. "I need proof, or I'll have to bring something with me to let him see."

"Then bring him here for the next visit."

"You think I should do that?"

"Like I said, it's not up to me to decide what to do, but ... yeah, I think you should do it."  
I nodded.

"Yes, that's fine. Are you a hundred percent sure that I'm pregnant?" I asked, unable to hide the hope in my voice.

"Not at all but it's a very high possibility, but I'm ninety nine percent sure when I say that something is growing inside you right now. "

There was something growing inside of me, a baby. The sudden realization of that hit me like a ton of bricks and I found myself trying to stop the tears of anger and confusion. Three seconds later I was crying in my hands, wondering what I had done wrong in my previous life to deserve what was currently happening to me. It took me a few minutes to recover, and when I succeeded, I found that Martin looked at me with a kind smile. 

"It'll be okay," he said. "If you decide to have an abortion, we will arrange everything to do it."

I nodded and wiped my cheeks.

"Sorry ... it's just too much, you know? I never thought to experience this, to have a baby inside me."

"I don't think anybody expected this," he chuckled.

"I guess not."

"I think I'll let you go home now, but there are a few things I want you to be aware of."

"Okay, what?"

"Do not stress more than necessary," he said. "Remember to drink plenty of water, at least as long as your morning sickness lasts, more or less three or four more weeks. And I would also advise you to go to the pharmacy to buy a few pregnancy test, just to check."

"Okay, but why do I have to buy more than one?" I asked confused.

"More tests, more precise."

"Right, but ... what do I tell my Ma? I'll be bad for a few more weeks, so I can't just go out and tell her that everything is fine."

"If you really do not want to tell her the truth, you can tell her that it's just a long-term virus and that it should leave in four weeks. At that point, the vomiting should stop."

"Um yeah, that's fine."

He smiled before getting up from the chair on which he sat.

"Let's get this gel off your stomach, okay?"

Ten minutes later I left the office, after I was told that I would receive a phone call with the results of the blood tests in about a week. I found my mother sitting in the same place where I had left her, except that, unlike the last time I saw her, she was busy reading a gossip magazine. I walked over and she looked up.

"My God, there you are, you've been in there for over two hours!" He exclaimed and stood up, putting the magazine on the coffee table next to the chair where she was sitting.

"Sorry Ma, doctor wanted ta run some tests," I said.

"Is-"

"It's okay, it's just a long-term virus thing, should be gone in a few weeks, I ain't dying," I said, I was surprised at how easily the lie slipped from my tongue.

"A virus that lasts for two months?" she asked incredulously. "What kind of virus?"

"I dunno, can't remember the name, sounded Latin," I shrugged.

"All right then, but if in four weeks you aren't feeling better were coming back, and we're going in together."

On the way from the doctor to the house, Mom asked me questions about the alleged virus to which I replied absent mindedly, trying not to think that underneath where my hands where resting on my stomach, there was a baby growing in there. I stepped out of the car as soon as my mother turned the engine off and ignored her calling out for me as I rushed inside. What I needed was some time to myself, time to think and to decide how to tell Mark and if I should have an abortion or not, what I didn't need was my Ma asking me questions that I'd have to lie about.

After getting a glass of water from the kitchen, remembering when the doctor told me to drink a lot, I went upstairs to my bedroom and closed the door. I put the glass on the bedside table and lay down on the bed, looking at the ceiling. 

Twenty-four hours before this, I knew that something was wrong, but I didn't ever think it could be this. Why? Because it's impossible. 

I pulled up my shirt and rested my hand there. There was a slight bulge but it was small, barely even there and if I hadn't known about it then I wouldn't have thought twice but I knew it was there and even if I didn't have any medical evidence to confirm it, somehow I knew it anyway. 

I knew what the pregnancy test would show when I bought them and I knew what he would tell me when the blood test results came through.

I got up from the bed, took off my shirt and and stood in front of the wall mirror. 

From the front there was nothing extraordinary to see, just my normal picture: pale torso with a thin strip of hair below the navel disappearing in the limit of my pants. When I turned to the left, on the other hand, there was a slight change. Too light to be noticed. A small change. Well, it was very small at the time, but it wouldn't be in a few months, unless l decided to get an abortion. 

An abortion. I felt a sense of unease at the thought. I wasn't against abortion at all, if you don't want to have a baby then it's your body but this was different, this was my child. My baby boy or my baby girl and just the thought of killing them before they even had a chance to live hurt. 

But, in all honesty, what else could I do? Go through with the pregnancy? Have people look at me like a freak? Suffer through my Ma asking god what she'd done to deserve this? Having all my dreams and my plans torn apart? Walk down the corridor and see Mark and think about how I'm carrying his baby ? And later, when the baby was old enough to ask questions, what would I tell him or her?

I closed my eyes for a brief moment. That was too much to deal with in one day. I needed a lot of time to think about everything. The doctor had told me that the abortion limit was twenty-four weeks, so I still had three months to decide what to do. Three months from that day ... in three months that child would become much larger, it would seem much more real, they would feel a lot closer to me ... I would be able to feel the kicks. 

A tear trickled down my cheek at the thought. I couldn't get rid of it, but I couldn't keep it. What the hell was I supposed to do? I shook my head and wiped my tears on the back of my hand. 

Considering that very soon I would have to go to the pharmacy, I thought it was worth it to go there immediately. I sighed and took my shirt off the floor, putting it back on, before leaving my room and running down the stairs. My plan was to be able to sneak out before my Ma could see me, and, fortunately, I succeeded.

The nearest pharmacy from our house was about a ten minute walk and all the time, as I was walking, I felt as if all the people who passed knew that I was an abomination. But of course they didn't know, it was just my imagination running wild. But I still felt a discomfort.

I felt incredibly embarrassed once I arrived at the pharmacy and found myself standing in front of a shelf full of different pregnancy test. How the hell would I know what to look for? For at least ten minutes I stood looking up and down the shelves, feeling increasingly helpless with each passing second. Just as I was about to give it up and go home, a voice behind me interrupted my research and made me turn quickly.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," a blonde woman who must have been about thirty said "Can I help with you? You've been standing here for a while."

"Uh, I dunno, I-" she interrupted me by shooting her hand up then grabbing a pink box, she handed it to me then she laughed. 

"There's a lot, right? Well, if it's just to check, I would recommend this," she said.

"How do you use it?" I asked, after studying the box for a few seconds.

"The descriptions are on the box, but really you just have to pee on the stick. It's pretty simple, but if your girlfriend doesn't know how to use it, you can tell her to come to me and I can explain it better."

I snorted inwardly, imagining the look on the woman's face if I had told her that the test was was for me and not for a girl.

"Okay, thanks," I said. "The doctor said it would be better to take more than one test, so do ya think I can get two?"

After a boring and annoying conversation with the woman - who seemed to have trouble understanding when it was time to stop talking - I set off for home. 

I felt even more insecure walking home with the bag in hand, it was silly because only I knew that it contained three different pregnancy tests. I concentrated on trying to look as normal as possible, which no doubt had made me look even less normal, and tried not to make eye contact with anybody as I walked past them. 

When once I got home, after what seemed like the longest walk of my life, I hurried upstairs before Ma or Juliet had a chance to stop me and ask me where I had been or what was in the plastic bag and any other questions that I'd have to lie about.

I closed the door again, double checking that I'd closed it over properly, and then sat down on the bed and pulled out several boxes from the bag, one pink, one blue and one white. First I got the pink one. I opened the box and took out the little manual of instructions that had been folded neatly. 

I had never been within seven feet of a pregnancy test before but that day I sat with three of them whilst reading over the instructions and trying to figure out how the hell you use one of them. 

It had been quite easy, as the woman at the pharmacy told me, I had to pee on the stick and after three minutes I would have to check, there would be a blue line if it was negative and a pink line if it was positive. The other two tests were more or less the same: the one in the blue box, after three minutes, would show a happy face if it was positive and a sad face if it was negative while the white one showed a plus sign for positive and a minus for negative.

I stuffed the tests and all of the instructions into my sweater and slowly exited my room. 

Since my other brothers and sisters moved out almost all of this floor belonged to me, there was my brothers rooms and then there was a guest room that was full of clothes, books, furniture and other items, and a bathroom that was used only by me and it was a relief because I wouldn't have to sneak past Ma or Juliet. 

Upon entering the bathroom, I closed the door and checked three times that I had closed it before pulling out the tests from my pockets. I took a deep breath before pulling down my pants and boxers and positioned myself. The stupidity of the whole situation struck me while I , a boy, was about to try a test to see if I was pregnant. I was pretty sure that this was the first case in the city, probably in the whole country in fact. 

I did as instructed on each test and flushed the toilet, then there was nothing else to do but wait. I sat on the floor with my head against the wall and closed my eyes. My watch said five thirty-one. Three minutes. Three horrible minutes of waiting.

I knew though, that even if the tests came out negative, that the doctor had been right and that even if they were all negative I'd still be able to say that my heart wasn't only beating for me, that I was no longer in charge of only my life, that the choices that I would take from then on would no longer concern only me but also to the little one that was growing inside me. 

Without even thinking, I put my hands on my stomach as if I was protecting it. If I went through with this, the baby would need protection and they'd need a lot more than I could provide. It would be talked about and the baby would have to live with that for their whole life. We lived in a small town with only a few hundred people living there and sooner or later people would start to notice. 

Most people would probably think I was a freak and ... Christ, it would be a mess. I would never be able to live here after the baby was born, and it would just cause pain for myself and the baby. The thought of having to move from this town made me want to cry again. I took a couple of deep breaths and looked at my body.

"You're causing me a lot of trouble, you know?" I muttered.

Oh, great; I'm already starting to talk to it, I thought. I looked up and I got up from the floor while I checked my watch. Five thirty-five, I swallowed. Times up. 

The tests were all lined up on the sink counter, all three upside down. I reached out a trembling hand and turned over the pink one, which I had placed on the left.

pink line.

Positive.

I clenched my jaw. Ok, it was positive, but it was only the first. Two more, I turned over the blue one. 

A smiley face.

Positive.

I bit my lip to stop myself from crying out, before turning the white one.

A plus sign.

Positive.

All three tests were positive.

My heart was pounding against my chest, so hard that I could feel it in my throat, and beads of sweat began to form on my forehead. I gripped the counter to support myself, leaning heavily on my arms, when I felt my knees buckle under me. 

Three positive pregnancy test. 

It couldn't be a coincidence. There was no way to tell that they were all wrong. I looked up to look at my reflection in the mirror. I was white as a sheet, but my cheeks were flaming, like I'd been out in the cold for hours.

As I sat there, I began to feel nauseous and my breathing began to quicken until I felt the growing taste of bile in my mouth. 

Three seconds later I found myself in a familiar situation: on my knees, bent over the toilet. No matter how many times I threw up in the last month, the revolting taste of bile mixed with my last meal was one thing that I never got used to. It took me a few minutes before I felt a burning in my throat and my cheeks began to soak with tears again 

In the end I had nothing more left for my stomach to reject and pulled the handle before letting my body fall to the floor and curled myself into a ball I began to weep silent tears but my hands flew to my stomach once again. 

"It seems like it's just you an' me now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I didn't expect for people to like this! I'm glad :D 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter as much as the last one and I hope you have a good day/night wherever you are!


	3. I don't think I am, I know I am

Monday, November 1  
eleven weeks

It had been exactly a week since I had paid the doctor a visit, a week since he had told me that I was ... pregnant. It was pretty damn weird to think about and I still wasn't sure I could accept it but despite that, I found myself resting my hands on my belly as I went to sleep and I'd wake up every single morning in the exact same position. The morning sickness hadn't gone away, not that it was a surprise, and I continued to hate every second of it. 

My main problem, however, had nothing to do with me accepting it nor was it the morning sickness but it was to figure out whether I wanted to have an abortion or not, and if not, figure out how I could tell my Ma, my brothers and my sisters and most importantly, Mark. The boy could be about to become a father, and he had absolutely no idea. I didn't need a paternity test to find out that the child was his, he was the only guy I had ever slept with, and the only person who has ever ... well, to be more a little more vulgar: he's the only guy that's ever came inside me. There were no other candidates. 

I didn't know what to say to him. It would have been difficult to do if I was a girl, but in addition to telling him that he was to become the father of a child conceived while he was drunk, I'd have to tell him that I was the one that was pregnant. Me. A man. 

Yeah, that conversation would go down well. 

I'd seen Mark around school - I was able to stop vomiting just enough to go - but he had never so much as looked at me, so it was hard for me to be able to talk to him. I thought once or twice about writing to him on facebook to ask him to meet me somewhere, but I realised that it would look like I want to ask him out or something like that. My best idea was simply to track him during lunch or between classes when he returned to his locker, which I found to be six lockers away from mine, and ask him if I could talk to him about something important. Not that this way would be any less embarrassing. 

He was higher up than me in the social food chain and people forgot my name after speaking to me, I didn't know who he was before this and he, like the others, didn't remember me even after we met, but I had to do this. 

I was not at school that Monday, not only because of the morning sickness, but also because I was waiting for the phone call from the doctor to know the results of my blood tests. If even those said that I was pregnant, then I couldn't doubt it any more. I saw the ultrasound image, I had experienced the morning sickness, I felt the draft on my belly and I had taken three pregnancy tests, each of which came out positive. The only thing remaining to cancel my last trace of doubt was that phone call.

That's why, at two in the afternoon, I was sitting with my laptop on my knees playing some shitty games I'd downloaded on a whim, I couldn't keep my eyes off of the phone though and it resulted in my character dying...a lot. I had been sitting there from ten in the morning and the day had been going terribly slow. I had put a half-empty glass of water next to me on the table and I continued to drink small sips of that just to keep my hands busy. Just as I was about to get out of bed and go find something to eat, my phone rang and my hand shot out like a snake going for its prey, dropping the computer and the glass of water on the floor but I didn't pay any attention to that as I accepted the call.

"Hello?" I said breathlessly.

"Hello Mr. McLoughlin, this is Dr. Wright, I'm calling to inform you about the analysis," said the familiar voice on the other line.

"I told you, doctor, I'm Jack. Mr. McLoughlin makes me feel old," I said with a nervous laugh. I heard him laugh on the other end of the line.

"All of us will become old one day, Jack. I have already. Now, on with the blood tests that we have taken you there was a high level of di-"

"Doctor, I don't understand medical terms and phrases, so please tell me if I'm ... you know," I said pleadingly.

"Well according to the tests, you really are pregnant, there is no doubt."

I took a long, shuddering breath.

"Okay," I said, forcing myself to stay calm. "I took three tests a while ago and they all came out positive." 

"Under normal circumstances I would say 'congratulations', but you don't seem very enthusiastic, so I'm going to say 'sorry'."

"No ... it's okay, I guess," I said. "But I need to figure out what I want to do now, right?"

"I suppose you're talking about an abortion?"

"Yes."

"Well, as I said before, the abortion limit here is twenty-four weeks, so you have a while to decide but I'd recommend doing it as soon as possible if that's what you want."

"Why?"

I heard him chuckle on the other end of the line before answering.

"It's very normal for people to become more and more attached to the baby as their pregnancy progresses, so, it would be easier for you if you went through with it at an earlier stage."

I swallowed at the though. Getting rid of a baby, my baby, when it was already two thirds of the way along. I looked at my belly, which seemed to have grown a little since last week, and I bit my lip. Normal people felt closer to the baby as the pregnancy continued but I'd known for a week and I already felt the need to protect it. Fantastic.

"Yes, I-I will decide soon," I said. "I want to tell Mark first though."

"Mark?"

"Oh, um, the ... father."

"Right. Well, call me when you've told him and you've figured out what you want to do"

"Yes, I-I'll call you" I muttered. "But ... um, think you can be my psychologist again?"

"Sure," he chuckled.

"I am- I mean, do you think I'm crazy when I say that I already feel attached to this baby?" I said hesitantly.

"No, I don't think you're crazy."

"Really? Because I think I'm crazy," I muttered. "Especially because I know I can't keep it."

"Why can't you keep it?"

"First of all, because I'm a guy and there would be so many rumours going around, things that I'm not very good at handling, second, because my ma would kill me, third, because I'm single, fourth, because I'm eighteen years old, I still have a year of high school and my future ahead, and fifth because ... I'm not ready to have a baby. "

"But you're already experiencing paternal feelings?"

"Yeah, I guess. I mean, I can't bear to kill them ... I don't want an abortion doctor, I really don't want to do it."

"Then don't."

I sighed.

"It's not as easy as that but I'll talk ta Mark, then I'll call when I've made my decision."

"Good luck."

"Thank you."

I hung up and put my cell phone on the bedside table. I was pregnant, there was no longer any doubt. Not that I had doubted it very much the past week but now that it had been confirmed I had lost any shred of hope I'd had before. 

I had to think: should I keep it or shouldn't I? But before deciding, I had to tell Mark. I felt like he deserved to know, even if his life would be easier if he didn't know but I knew I wouldn't be able to go through with an abortion if I didn't tell him first. 

Tomorrow, I decided. Tomorrow I'd find Mark and tell him. 

Tuesday, November 2nd  
Eleven weeks and one day

When I awoke the next morning, I felt even sicker than usual. I had been up all night nervous about telling Mark, this could potentially change his life completely. 

Somehow I managed to throw up for a very small amount of time today, I was on my knees in front of the toilet for fifteen minutes at most. I took a quick shower and got dressed. That day I chose to put a white pullover, really tight, which was soon proven to be a bad choice. When I entered the kitchen both Ma and Juliet were already seated at the table, eating their breakfast, Juliet was dressed in a soccer jersey so it was likely she had a game that day. Both their eyes turned to me as I entered and smiled for a brief second before their eyes landed lower in my body.

"Wow, Jack, I think you need to go to the gym more often," Juliet snorted.

"Juliet!" Ma scolded quickly regaining her composure.

"You want some breakfast, dear?" She asked, looking at me.

I was too busy looking at myself to answer, I really had gained weight, was it already so bad that people could notice it? I hadn't looked good in the mirror last week, I wasn't particularly eager to see my reflection, so in all honesty I had no idea how my belly looked. Of course, I had felt with my hands that the draft had become bigger, but was it that bad? 

Without sparing another glance to the two members of my family, I ran out of the room and went back to my bedroom to see how bad it was.

For the millionth time in the past two weeks, I locked the door to my room once inside. Quickly I threw my sweater down and positioned myself in the mirror, looking at my reflection. Then I realised why my Ma and Juliet reacted that way, my stomach was bigger, yes, but it wasn't flabby like it would be if I had just gained weight. No, it was just a little larger than normal. It wasn't big, you could barely see it in my opinion, with or without a shirt on, but it still made me feel sad, I was eleven weeks and people were already noticing . 

Once I was changed my jersey, I went back into the kitchen.

"Honey, what's wrong? Why did you run away?" My Ma asked as soon as she saw me.

"I'm fat," I said sourly.

"Yeah, you are, what the hell happened? You've always been skinny," Juliet said with raised eyebrows.

"Juliet, do you want your brother to get an eating disorder?" Ma said, glaring at her.

"I'm not gonna get an eating disorder, don't worry, I don't think that's how it works, Ma" I said, rolling my eyes. She had the tendency to overreact. "But I don't think I'm gonna eat right now."

"What? Why not?"

"Because I just spent fifteen minutes vomiting and I have to go to school," I said.

"If you're sick, stay home," Ma said firmly.

"Everything's fine, Ma."

"But why do you need to go to school?"

"I-I have a test," I lied. "And I'm already pretty far behind." 

"Okay, but let me at least give you a ride and you better take your phone, I want you to phone me as soon as I've to come pick you up."

"Alright, Ma." I said dismissively. 

*

Tuesday was the worst day in school: two hours of math, two hours of history then at the end of the day, two hours of sociology. I hated all of these classes, and also hated the teachers, on top of that, the return of my morning sickness put me in a real bad mood. 

My plan was to find Mark during lunch, after two hours of history, but all of our lunch hours differed from student to student so I could only hope that Mark had the same lunch hours as me on a Tuesday. 

By the time I got to the cafeteria I felt even worse than before but that might have been because of the massive lump of nervousness currently residing in throat. I prayed to God that I would be able to hold out until after I talked to Mark. 

There wasn't many people in the lunch hall and I felt both disappointed and relieved. Disappointment because there was a very small chance that Mark would even be here and relieved because it meant that less people would be around when I asked to talk to him. I let my eyes wander around the room in search of bright red hair and to my absolute horror and relief, I found what I was looking for. He was sitting at a table in a corner with three other guys. Great.

With slow and uneasy steps, I began to walk towards them whilst wishing my heart rate would slow down and I wouldn't have a heart attack. When I was about two meters away from my goal, I paused to swallow. 

What if he just laughed at me? What if his friends laughed? The thought of being laughed at made my heart rate accelerate. Near the end, I ended up standing behind a boy with unruly brown hair and I felt slightly discouraged and uncomfortable. 

I coughed slightly to get their attention, but no one reacted. I swallowed and tried again, a little stronger. Still no reaction. My cheeks were starting to become hot and red with humiliation.

"'excuse me," I said, probably stronger than was necessary. It served my purpose though. Suddenly, four pairs of eyes were turned towards me and I felt my face grow even hotter.

"Hey, sorry, we didn't see you there." The boy in front of me said, he was...wearing a mask? I'm pretty sure his name was Cry, something like that, people didn't know his name or what he looked like and he was the talk of the school for a long time, it was kind of odd to find a masked man staring back at you though.

"Can we help you?"

"Um, yeah, actually," I said uneasily.

"You wanna fuck? If that's the case, three tables down there's some whores," said the blond boy with a big smile and I noticed his accent, it was unlike any I'd ever heard around here, he must have been from from somewhere in Scandinavia. Norway? Sweden? 

The masked boy beside him, punched him on the shoulder and the guy across from him gave a warning glare.

"Can we help you?" He asked and even though I couldn't see his face, I could tell he was smiling. 

"I ... um, actually ... I need to talk to Mark," I half-whispered.

Mark raised his eyebrows, not mocking, but rather surprised.

"To me?" He asked, confused. 

"Okay, go. Tell me what you have to say," he said with a wry smile.

"Um, it would be better if I said it in private," I told him.

"Whatever you need to say, I'm sure you can say it in front of my friends."

"No, I-I can't," I said.

He frowned and looked at his friends with a questioning look. None of them said anything but Mark stared at me.

"Sorry, I don't even know your name, can you at least tell me what it is before you drag me out?" He said.

I nodded nervously and bit my lower lip. 

"Um, we met at the late summer party."

"The one at Felix's house?" Said the guy across from Mark as he gestured towards the blonde guy, this one had the beginning of a beard and was smiling widely giving off an almost comforting vibe.

"Oh, you're ... you're Felix?" I asked, remembering what my Ma told me the night after the party; she'd gotten a phone call claiming to be Felix Kjellberg's mom. 

The boy - apparently Felix - nodded.

"Y-yes, then it's your party that I'm talking about," I said, trying to smile.

"Yeah, what about the party?" Mark asked.

"I really think we should talk about this in private," I muttered. I doubted Mark would want to come out right now and I seriously didn't like the idea of being in his place right now. 

"Can you tell me, these guys know everything there is to know about me anyway," Mark said, and shrugged.  
I took a deep breath, scratching his neck

"Um, w-well," I stammered. "Well, to be honest: we had sex at that party, well, it was more like a quick fuck, to be honest."

The entire table was silent and the other three boys turned to Mark.

"I think you have the wrong person," Mark said after a long pause.

"Believe me, I'm not wrong," I said firmly. "You were drunk as fuck and so was I, but I don't think I was as bad as you, I remember it was you though."

I saw Mark swallow, clearly uncomfortable under his friends gazes.

"Okay, we'll talk about this elsewhere," he said as he rose from his chair.

"You fucked him? Why? And what about Lau-" began the boy with the beard but I saw the blonde shake his head to tell him to shut up. 

Mark walked past me without looking at me and I hurried to follow him. He kept walking even when we were away from everyone and for a second I was going to ask where we were going but I soon realised we were going to the bathroom around the corner from the cafeteria. I followed him through the white door with the sign 'men's bathroom' over it and stared at him as he checked that all the stalls were empty before approaching the door and locking it. Then he turned to me and looked at me with eyes filled partly with anger and partly despair. 

"Okay, first of all, can you tell me your name?"

"Sean, well, Jack, I prefer Jack."

"Alright, Jack, what the hell?"

I looked at the floor.

"I did warn you," I said.

"Okay, but why are you telling me? I'm sorry if I hurt you or something, but I can't do much now, I don't even know who you are." 

I took a deep breath, trying to force myself to say what I was about to say, but before I could say a word, he began to speak again.

"Wait, I didn't give you an STD, did I?" He panicked.

"No, you have an STD?" I asked, frowning.

"Well, no, not that I know of, but ... But you never know," he shrugged.

"Um, okay, well, it isn't an STD, actually it's worse" I murmured. He laughed nervously.

"Worse than the STD? I'm starting to get scared, what is it?"

"I-I don't know how to tell you," I stammered, feeling the sudden nausea caught me again with all his strength.  
"Um-s-shit, oh my g-god, it's jus'-"

I stopped in the middle of my sentence before rushing to one of the stalls where I emptied the contents of my stomach once again. 

"Hey, are you okay?" I heard Mark's voice from somewhere behind me.

I wasn't able to answer. Two minutes later I managed to stand up and flush the toilet before I went back to deal with Mark. 

"I'm sorry, it's been happenin' a lot lately," I said, forcing a smile before going over to the sink and splashing my face with cold water. "Have you by any chance got chewing gum or something?" 

"Maybe, wait a second," he said as he began to look into the pockets. After a few seconds he made a triumphant sound as he pulled out a packet of mint gum. 

"Here," he said, handing me the pack of gum. 

"Thank you, I still have another class and I don't really wanna smell like vomit" I said, taking two pieces of gum and starting to chew before I hand the pack back to Mark.

"No problem. Okay, what were you going to tell me before you ran off?"

The nervousness fell back on me and I bit my lip when I looked at him.

"What do you think of abortion?" I groaned inwardly. What the fuck, Jack? That's not what I wanted to say. He raised his eyebrows at me.

"Abortion? Like, getting rid of an unborn baby?"

I nodded.

"I ... I suppose it's a good solution to unwanted pregnancies and other things," he said slowly. "Sorry, but that's why you wanted to talk to me?"

I shook my head.

"No, not really, I guess. I-I ... you know, you'll never believe what I need to tell you, so ... would you mind coming with me to see a doctor?"

Damn it, Jack!

His eyebrows rose even more.

"What?"

"Um, well ... I know it's a bit awkward, but ... would you come with me to see a doctor?"

"Look, no offence, but I don't know you, so why do I need to come to the doctor with you?"

I sighed, realising that I would have to say everything directly.

"Okay, I'll try to explain, just don't speak until I've finished talking, alright?"

He nodded and motioned for me to continue. I took a deep breath, but then began to speak.

"Okay, then ... about five weeks after the party, I was ill, hurling my damn guts out every mornin', and as you saw ten minutes ago it hasn't stopped. My Ma forced me to go to the doctor after four weeks ... well, the doctor gave me a lot of blood tests. I didn't get the results back until yesterday, but they also did an ultrasound of my stomach just to check if there was something wrong with my intestines or whatever. There was nothing wrong with that, but there was somethin 'else. " Mark nodded again, looking terrified. "I know it will seem completely absurd and crazy, believe me, I know, it took me a week to accept it, but the ultrasound showed a baby ... and a heartbeat."

Mark's eyes widened and his jaw just about hit the ground and, in all honesty, I couldn't blame him. Suddenly and without warning, he laughed.

"Please, I'm serious," I pleaded.

"You can't be," he said through laughter. "Are you trying to tell me you're ... pregnant?"

"Y-yes, I am," I whispered.

"Excuse me, but how stupid do you think I am?" He snorted.

"I don't think you're stupid," I said quickly.

"Oh, really? You expect me to believe this bullshit that you're telling me?"

I swallowed.

"I'm serious, don't tease me about this, I ain't exactly thrilled." 

The laughter died slowly and he looked at me with his mouth open for a moment before saying something.

"You're really serious," he said. "Do you really think you're pregnant."

"I don't think I am, I know I am," I whispered.

"What the hell did they tell you to make you believe that you're pregnant?" He said, spreading his arms outward. "Sorry, but I'm pretty sure you're a guy."

"Yeah, I know. I spent more or less half an hour trying to explain this to the doctor," I said. "But ... look, I've had morning sickness and seen the ultrasound pictures, I bought three pregnancy tests last week, all of 'em were positive. I have the results of the blood tests as of yesterday, and they told me that I'm really pregnant. "

"Yeah, all right, it's all strange but-"

"And then there's this," I interrupted him before I turned on myself up to be with his side facing him and pulled up my shirt just enough to allow him to see my belly. His eyes darted down and then widened a bit. There was at least two minutes of silence then his eyes darted up to meet mine. 

"You've probably just put on some weight," he said finally.

"My belly's too round." I groaned. "I'm only eleven weeks along but you can clearly see it when you know it's there."

He raised his hands and grabbed his tight pulling hair.

"This is just crazy. I don't-I don't believe it," he said.

I dropped my shirt and turned around.

"I know that-"

"No, I'm serious, don't believe it, I know you're just making this up."

"No, why would I joke about something like that?"

"I don't know, to make us laugh?" He said. "Wait, did Ken put you up to this?"

"I don't even know who that is, Mark." I stated. "An' if Ken wanted to fuck with ya, dont'cha think he'd have given me something more realistic to say? Something that doesn't make me sound like a crazy person?"

He stared at me.

"No, you know what, this is insane and so are you, I'm going back to my friends and I'd appreciate it if you didn't bother us from now on" he said before pushing me and heading for the door. .

"Mark, wait, please!"

He stopped, but didn't turn around.

"Will you please ... come to a doctor with me just once?" I asked imploringly "If you don't believe me after that, then I swear I'll never bother you again. Just ... please."

He stood completely still for what seemed like years, but then I heard him sigh.

"Okay. I'll go with you, but only because then I can confirm that you are completely crazy. Just once. That's it," he said.

"Thanks," I said with a smile, even though he obviously couldn't see it. He left the room and I couldn't help but think that my life was certainly easier when people ignored me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Jackaboy finally told Mark! Hooray! 
> 
> I wonder how the visit to the doctor will go ;)?


	4. Can I see?

The next few days passed and I was starting to notice a couple of side effects of being pregnant. One of these was the desire of salty food, a lot of salty food, so: potato chips, peanuts, pretzels, salted liquorice and everything else that I could lay my hands on - I didn't even like salted liquorice. I did nothing but eat which made me feel fat which then made me upset and made me comfort eat which made me feel fat; it was a vicious cycle. 

Then I was horny. Constantly. I felt as if I was fourteen years old, masturbating at least twice a day, in the shower, in bed at night, in bed during the day, literally wherever possible.

A third effect was that I had lots of crying spells. For the most trivial matters and, at times, in places that weren't appropriate, I found myself in tears and sometimes sobbing. A particularly awkward situation was when it happened to me during one of my English lessons. We were working on a text in a book and it was one of the worst things that I'd ever read, before I knew what was happening I began sobbing over nothing. 

When I wasn't busy eating, jacking off or crying, my thoughts wandered to Mark and the inevitable abortion decision. I wasn't able to make him believe I was pregnant - not that I could blame him - so I couldn't ask him what he thought. Not yet at least. 

He had said he would come with me to see the doctor and I knew that everything depended on that visit. Not that I expected him to be a father to the baby - if I chose to keep the baby, then it would be my problem to deal with - but I needed him to accept the fact that he was the father of an unborn child before I made up my mind. 

Thursday, November 11  
Twelve weeks and three days

"Hey, Doc, it's me, Jack, I don't know if you remember me."

"It's a little hard to forget the guy who came to my office thinking he had a bug and walked out with the news he's pregnant."

"Understandable."

On Thursday I hadn't gone to school because of how bad my morning sickness had been, probably caused by the bag of chips I'd eaten at four in the morning. 

So, besides me, the house was empty because Ma had gone to work and Juliet was out. I was sitting in the kitchen, on top of the counter with a box of Ritz next to me and, after a lot of hesitation, I had managed to pick up the phone and dial the number of the doctors office and they passed me onto Martin Wright. The only thing I wanted to do was make an appointment for an ultrasound to take Mark to, I wasn't going to plan anything concerning an abortion.

"So I assume you talked to Mark, did you?"

"Yeah, I did."

"What did he say?"

"Basically, he thinks I'm crazy," I said with a chuckle. "But he agreed to go to a doctor's appointment with me, so that's why I called."

"To make an appointment?"

"Yes, for a ... ultrasound or anything else that can help me to convince him that I'm telling the truth."

"An ultrasound would be the best way to do it, I'll fix an appointment with an obstetrician as soon as possible then. When would you prefer?"

"Whenever's good, I guess," I said hesitantly.

"Would tomorrow be fine?"

"Wow, so early? Um, sure, okay."

"Well, Dr. Hayes is available at eleven tomorrow morning."

"Oh, it won't be you?" I asked, biting my lip.

"If it makes you feel better I could be there with you, but when you came to me, I said I wasn't an obstetrician, I don't have the knowledge for this type of test."

"Yes, I understand. But it's ... a little embarrassing, I mean, what do you think of this other doctor?"

"Dr. Hayes is very professional, she's very open-minded and I can assure she won't think anything bad about you and even if she did she certainly wouldn't show it but as I said, I can be there if it will help you stay calm."

"It would probably be better, thank you," I said.

"No problem. Can I make the appointment or should I wait until you've spoken to the father?"

"No, make the appointment. I'm sure it'll be fine."

"Okay. So you have an appointment at eleven o'clock tomorrow morning with Dr. Hayes."

"Thanks."

"No problem, Jack, goodbye for now."

"Bye." 

I sighed then I put the phone in my pocket. An appointment for the next day. It meant that I had to talk to Mark today. But he was in school and I wasn't, I didn't have his phone number and I didn't like the idea of sending a Facebook message. 

Basically, I had two choices; I could find out his address and catch him after school which wouldn't only be creepy but it'd cause me a lot of stress, or I could catch the bus to school and catch him during his free period which I knew correlated with my own. 

The clock said nine twenty, which meant that I could catch him in twenty five minutes. The time required to get to school and tell him.

I put the box in the cupboard before I went to my room and got dressed into something more presentable than grey sweatpants and one of the largest t-shirts that man has ever known. 

While I was changing, my gaze drifted to my figure in the mirror hanging on the wall and I had to take a deep breath to keep from crying at the sight. I was fat. I was only twelve weeks in a total of forty and I already looked like a pig. I looked down and sat sulking while I touched my belly.

"It's you makin' me fat, I don't like ya for that." I muttered.

I hastened to change my clothes before I really started to cry - I didn't have time for that - and went to the bathroom to fix my hair so that it didn't look like a toxic green birds nest. 

I rushed to the bus stop and by the time I arrived, the clock on my phone read mine forty-two, he'd be out of class soon. I walked through the empty corridors until I reached my destination. 

There was no one at the lockers when I arrived and when I checked my phone I realised that only a minute had passed since I had last checked. I sighed and leaned back against the cold metal lockers. 

As usual, my hands ended up on my belly. It still wasn't big enough to be noticeable but in two months it'd be giant, I'd need a big woollen coat or something. Good thing it was winter.

The bell rang after a while and students began flooding the corridors. Soon the corridors became crowded and I tried to hide as best as possible, feeling incredibly stupid just standing there while everyone made their way to the cafeteria or their next lesson. It was impossible to identify any particular person in the crowd who was passing, so unless Mark needed to use his locker, there was no way I'd find him in all the mess. 

I moved and crossed my arms over my stomach to hide it and to shield it away from everyone else. Suddenly, it felt a lot bigger than it actually was with all these people around me. After a few minutes I began to wonder how many students there were in that school because the flow of students never seemed to disappear. 

"Why are you standing in front of my locker?" Said a voice next to me making me jump suddenly emitting a very unmanly scream.

Mark stood there, looking at me, eyebrows raised and I felt myself blush.

"I - you - uh ... I mean," I stammered.

"Come on, I don't have all day."

"Yeah, me neither, I'm sorry," I muttered. "You ... you said you'd come with me to see a doctor, and ... uh, you haven't changed your mind, have you? "

"I have a feeling that you're gonna keep bugging me about this," he nodded his head toward my stomach "as long as I don't go, so no, I haven't changed my mind."

"That's good." I said with a smile.

"I have an appointment tomorrow at eleven, so ... you could come, I mean, if you want."

"At eleven o'clock? At night?" He asked, furrowing his brows. 

"Are you serious?" I asked, frowning.

"Yes?"

"No, I don't have an appointment with the doctor at eleven o'clock at night," I said slowly, wondering how he'd even thought that. "I meant at eleven in the morning."

"Oh. Shit, I've got Japanese, and if I don't show up I'm screwed man." Mark said, sighing. 

"You do Japanese?" I asked incredulously, forgetting the main argument for a second.

"Don't be so impressed, I don't understand any Japanese."

"Anyway, so you can't come tomorrow?" I asked.

He shook his head.

"Not really, no."

"Oh, okay."

Fucking fantastic. I would have had to wait even longer before making my decision then.

"You look disappointed," he said after a pause. "Is it really so important to you that I come?"

"Not really, it's just ... I need you to believe me. Believe this," I pointed towards my belly, "I need you to know it's real before making a decision."

"What decision?"

I looked around to see if there was anyone else in the vicinity. Only a few students were left in the hallway but they seemed busy watching their phones.

"If I want to continue the pregnancy or not," I muttered.

His eyes widened and he looked uncomfortable.

"Oh ... um ... okay." He paused for a second before speaking again. "I'm not saying that I believe this ... madness, because I don't, but the abortion limit is twenty weeks or something? Don't you have a little more time to decide?"

I nodded.

"It's twenty-four weeks actually, so yeah, I still have two or three months to decide, but ..." I stopped talking and looked at my body, my eyes landed on my stomach. I felt like I was about to start crying again, but I shook my head and looked up. He looked at me quizzically. "I won't be able to make a rational decision if I wait much longer."

"Why not?"

"Why? Look, I don't expect you to understand, but if I asked your mother if she would've had an abortion at twenty-four weeks I'm pretty sure it would have been a safe 'no'.

He seemed more confused than ever.

"I don't understand," he said after taking a minute to think.

"You're definitely not the sharpest tool in the shed, are ya? I'm just saying ... that there is a baby growing inside me, Mark, and every day that passes, I feel more attached to them. If I wait much longer then I won't be able to do it."

"So ... do you want to abort this baby that I don't believe even exists?"

"I don't know yet," I said and dropped my arms. "I need you to believe me before I even think about it, and since you obviously don't take me seriously, I need you to come with me to the doctor very soon."

"Why do you need me to believe that? I mean ... even if this was real and there really is a baby, it wouldn't be a problem for me if you keep it or if you don't," he said with a shrug.

"It wouldn't?" I asked, unable to hide the disbelief in my voice.

"Not really. I mean ... things like this happen all the time, right? So many people get pregnant after one night."

"Well, yes, but usually they aren't both men and usually they don't go to the same damn school," I said. "You'll see me every day for the next seven months or so, and if I decide to keep the baby, then you'll know that the one-month old baby who'll be in my arms will be your son or yer daughter, you really don't give a shit about that? "

"I might if I knew for sure that you had a womb and the ability to have kids"

"We've talked about this and I cannot explain it any better than that," I said, I was beginning to get tired of explaining the same thing over and over again. "What happened is something that you can ask the doctor if you came with me."

He sighed in exasperation and looked at the ceiling for a brief moment before answering.

"Okay, okay, I'll come with you tomorrow," he said.

"Thank you."

An awkward silence lingered in the air around us and he rubbed his hands nervously.

"I should probably go home," I said finally. "I don't feel so good, so ... see you tomorrow, I guess."

I turned and started walking down the hall toward the exit, but I had only taken a few steps when Mark stopped me. 

"Can I see?"

I turned and looked at him confused.

"What?" I asked.

He came closer to me and then made a clumsy gesture towards my belly covered by the sweatshirt.

"Um, can't you wait until tomorrow?" I asked, looking around the empty hallway just in case.

"Please," he said almost desperately.

I swallowed. We were standing in a public hall, anyone could come out of one of the many doors around us at any time and anyone could see.

"I don't think that's a good idea," I said.  
"And there's nothing to see in any case, is almost non-existent."

"Please."

I looked around frantically trying to make sure nobody could overhear. 

"Come on, we're in a public place," I muttered.

"Everyone is in the cafeteria or in class, and if you see someone, I'll give you a bone-crushing hug so that no one will be able to see you, okay?"

For a guy who didn't think I was telling the truth, he was really insistent on seeing my belly. 

"Don't," I said.

"What?"

"Pull me into a bone-crushing hug."

"Why not?"

"Well, it could be, you know, bad for it ...," I murmured.

He looked up at the ceiling.

"Well, well, I'll just get you in a normal hug then."

 "No, Mark, I've gotta go," I said with a groan. "You'll see it tomorrow anyway, so can't ya just wait?"

He looked at me pleadingly.

"Please, I just need to see it once, please."

I rubbed a hand across my face, but then nodded.

"Well," I muttered.

I looked around again in the hallway to make sure we really were alone before pulling down the zip of my jacket and pushing the fabric apart. Below, I was wearing a white shirt very tight that left nothing to the imagination, and I saw Mark swallow.

"It doesn't look like you just gained weight" he said hoarsely, his eyes glued to my abdomen 

"Probably because I didn't," I said. "Well, technically I did, but ... you know."

"It isn't very big anyway," he continued, still looking at the small draft.

"You said the same thing last week," I said, and I couldn't help but smile while he stared in fascination. 

"It'll be much bigger in a couple of months, right?" He muttered and moved again looking me in the eyes. I nodded.

"Yeah. So, you believe me?"

"No, but apparently you think it's true so..."

I sighed.

"How can you blame me? I saw the ultrasound pictures, I saw the positive pregnancy test, I saw the sudden increase in weight, for the last two weeks I've felt strange, I'm standing here with a lot of positive evidence, Mark, how can you blame me for believing it? "

"I don't blame you, but, still, it's too weird, can you really blame me for not believing you?"

"No, I can't, that's why I'm asking you to come to the doctor with me tomorrow."

He nodded.

"Yeah, I know, and I said I'll come with you, so ..."

I zipped up my jacket. 

"Yes. I'll see you tomorrow, then. We'll meet at the doctor's office?"

"I guess so, what one?"

"The one next to the library."

"Hm, ok, I'll see you at eleven."

*

The first thing I noticed, twenty minutes later, when I walked through the front door was that, in the hall, there was a pair of unfamiliar shoes. Who the hell was here? 

They were a pair of men's shoes, I noticed, which made me even more curious. For all I knew, the only man who lived here - and was inside at the time - was me and those black shoes were definitely not mine. And then there was no one at home, or at least no one should have been at home.

Maybe it was a really nice thief who didn't want to put dirt on the floor, or maybe it was just one my brothers - maybe James decided to come home early. 

As quietly as possible, I had taken off my shoes and I slipped further into the house. There was no one in the kitchen, in the bathroom downstairs or in the living room and I was confused. It checked the bedrooms and the bathroom upstairs. I walked through the living room and headed for Juliet's bedroom door but no, it was empty. I walked down the narrow hallway leading to my Ma's room. I opened the door and I regretted it immediately.

"Fuck!" I shouted, putting my hand over my eyes as I blindly rushed back to the entrance and up the stairs to get to my room.

I threw myself on my bed and buried my face in the pillow, trying to erase the image that would stay etched in my mind forever. 

Shit, I really wished I hadn't saw that. I had just seen my Ma half naked, fucking some guy. Well, spooning my eyes out of my head seemed like a better idea than ever looking at her again. 

My heart was beating like crazy and I felt my face become incredibly hot, probably because it was stuck in a pillow. I was going to sit up and let myself breathe when a sudden sharp pain hit my lower abdomen and a surprised yelp came out of my lips. It was as if someone had taken a rope, had wrapped it around my bowels and had pulled hard. 

It didn't stop, but it was repeated several times. I curled over, tightly clutching my stomach, and I cried out in pain and fear. That was certainly not a good sign.

"Jack? Are you in here? I'm sorry you ... oh my God! What happened?"

The terrified voice of my Ma came to my ears, and I couldn't help but cast a muffled sound in protest when she sat down on her knees beside the bed and put her hand on my shoulder.

"What's wrong? Where does it hurt?" 

She checked me all over, obviously looking for some kind of physical indication of what was going on.

I gasped for air, trying to tell her to take a step back, but all this caused was another contraction, and I let out a hoarse sob.

"Honey, you have to tell me, should I call an ambulance?" She asked frantically.

I shook my head and tried to stand when suddenly, it stopped. I blinked and I completely hung motionless for a moment before letting go of my knees timidly.

"Jack? Sean?"

My Ma looked worried, as I tried t appear as nonchalant as possible.

"I-It wasn't bad, it didn't hurt a lot," I said.

"Sean, it was bad, what the hell was that?"

"Um, the doctor said that I could experience some stomach cramps because of this virus," I said hastily, uttering the first lie that came to my mind. Ma looked at me with narrowed eyes, trying to read me to tell if I was lying. 

"Fine, but you have to go back to the doctor as soon as possible, is that clear?"

"Yeah, I'm going to go tomorrow, so it's fine," I said.

She smiled.

"That's good, you're finally starting to take some responsibility for yourself."

"Um, yeah, I guess." She sighed and hesitated to say anything else. "What?" I asked, and I looked up.

"About what you just saw," she began. "It's not what you think."

I raised my eyebrows.

"So what were you doing with that guy? Playing monopoly?" I joked. "Seriously though, who is he?"

"It's a man that I met through work, his name is Ian and I-we've been dating for a year and, well, Sean he proposed to me today."

I looked at her open-mouthed.

"Y-y-you're engaged?" I asked incredulously.

This couldn't have happened at a worse time, with all the stuff we'd been dealing with she'd gone and got herself engaged!

"Sean, it's been six years since your dad left us," she said with a sad smile. "You don't expect me to stay alone forever, do you?"

"Well, no, I guess not, but it would have been better if you told me a year ago and I didn't have to walk in on ya to find out," I muttered.

"I understand and I'm sorry, I just didn't know how you'd react, I didn't want to hurt you."

"Okay, that's okay. Dad is a jerk anyway, so if you found someone else an' he makes ya happy, then good for you, I'm happy for ya."

"Thanks, you're a good boy," she said, and pet my cheek lightly, she pulled my head into her chest and kissed the toxic green locks. "I'd really like you to meet him."

"Oh, right now?"

"Yeah, Downstairs in the kitchen, come on, come with me."

I wanted to tell her that I wasn't in the mood to meet her boyfriend, but I knew very well that would make her ask questions so I forced myself to smile and stood up from the bed. Ma smiled happily before turning around and walking out of the room signalling for me to follow her. I quickly checked the mirror to ensure my stomach looked normal before heading downstairs. 

Once in the kitchen, my eyes saw the same man who had been in the bed with my Ma ten minutes before. He was sitting at the table, while reading a newspaper, but immediately looked up when he heard me enter.

"Oh, hey," he said, and stood up.

"Well, Ian, this is my youngest, Sean. Sean, this is Ian, the man I told you about," she said anxiously. 

Ian smiled and held out a hand. Which I grabbed, I let my eyes wander over his face and body. He seemed like the kind of man who could go around without being noticed, about six feet tall, normal build, brown hair, dressed normal, normal face, and overall very ... normal.

"It's nice to meet you, Sean," he said with an uncertain smile.

The poor man seemed nervous and so, despite the bad mood, I smiled.

"Nice ta meet you two."

"I'm really sorry you came in when-"

I raised a hand to stop him.

"It's all right. Even better if ya don't remind me," I said with a grimace.

"I got it."

An awkward silence fell in the room and I tried desperately to think of something clever to say.

"So, you've already met Juliet?"

At least I hadn't mentioned the weather. 

"No, not yet, I think your mom is going to introduce me today and to your brothers and your sister at Christmas," he said, casting a questioning look to my mom to which she replied to by nodding.

"Oh, okay. Do you have kids?"

He shook his head and smiled.

"No, I can't have them, I never really wanted them, they scream so much and they've got too many problems to deal with when they're small."

I nodded without saying anything, resisting the urge to run away. 

This wasn't awkward at all. 

*

Friday, November 12  
Twelve weeks and four days

At fifteen minutes to eleven the next morning, I was sitting in a chair in the waiting room at the doctor's office. I was nervous, mainly because I couldn't help but worry about Mark cancelling. 

Then throughout the time I was waiting, I couldn't help but think about the abortion and, honestly, the thought of getting rid of them grew even more unpleasant by the second. But after meeting Ian the previous night, I had yet another reason to go ahead with the abortion; to avoid scaring off my Ma's boyfriend. 

I sighed, wondering yet again what I had done wrong in my previous life to deserve this hell. Surely I was a serial killer or maybe I was the guy who had assassinated John F. Kennedy.

My mind wandered to what happened yesterday after seeing my Ma. It must have had something to do with the baby and it was excruciatingly painful so I presumed that it wasn't a good thing. There was a hurricane of thoughts inside my head. 

What if the baby got hurt? And what if it died? What would have happened if the pain was because I'd miscarried? Wouldn't there have been blood if that was the case? Then again, where would the blood come out? There wasn't exactly an opening, not counting my ass, but I seriously doubted that would be the case. So there was still the possibility...

I felt faint at the thought. What if I had miscarried? What if the baby was dead? 

My eyes began to water and, by pure instinct, my hands found their way to my stomach and held it firmly, as if that would save it if it was already ... 

I looked down and sobbed. Apparently, even though I had been thinking of an abortion, even the thought that the baby could be dead was killing me. I i didn't want it to be dead, I wanted it to be alive, healthy and happy. But what if it was dead and I'd been carrying a dead baby? 

Being so emotional was becoming annoying. The waiting room was empty apart from me, so there was no one around to see me cry, but I still did my best to stop it. I let out an occasional sob and a groan, but the tears fell mostly silently. 

"I really hope you aren't dead." I said.

"Um, hello?" said a hesitant voice somewhere to my right and my head turned sharply. Mark stood there, looking at me with something between worry and discomfort.

"Oh, hey," I said. Hastily, I wiped my cheeks from tears before dropping my arms to my sides.

"S-sorry, I'm just ... no, no. I'm glad you came, I didn't think you would."

"I didn't think I would either to be honest," he said as he sat in the chair next to me.

I checked the clock on the opposite wall from where we were sitting. Four minutes to eleven.

"Sorry if I'm prying, but what did you mean when you were talking about something being dead?" Mark asked after a brief moment of silence.

"Nothing, it was nothing," I said quickly, not very willing to share my concerns. Well, he might be the father of my child but I barely know him; I don't think this means we're friends.

"Are you sure? Because you seemed pretty upset and you were crying," he said, raising his eyebrows at me.

"I cry all the time these days, usually for no reason, I cried over a shit book for fucks sake, so relax, it's nothing," I said.

"Yeah, but you said something about something that is dead," he said, then bit his lip, he looked nervous. 

"It looked like you were ... you know, talking to your belly," he said, almost stammering.

I crossed my arms over my chest and brought his gaze straight ahead before answering.

"Something happened yesterday and I got worried."

"What happened?"

"You don't even think there's something to worry about, remember?" I said, as calmly as I was able to manage. "You don't even believe that there is a baby, so why d'ya keep asking questions?"

"Its pretty obvious that you believe that there is a baby, so ... there must be something behind that." he said.

I was about to reply, but just then Dr Wright's office door opened and an unfamiliar woman appeared. 

"Sean McLoughlin?" She said, looking at me.

I got up and at the corner of my eye, I saw Mark do the same.

"Um, yeah, hello," I said awkwardly, as I approached her.

She must have been about fifty years old, she had a chestnut coloured pixie cut and wore a kind smile, much like Dr Wright's.

"Hello, I'm Dr Hayes." She introduced, she stretched out her hand and I shook it. 

"Sean." 

She turned to Mark and stretched out her hand, he also shook her hand. 

"Mark," he said and smiled politely.

"Well, I guess you two should go so we can get started," Dr Hayes said holding the door open for us.

Once inside, I saw Dr. Wright sitting at his desk filling out some forms. He stood up once all three of us had entered and the door was closed, then he smiled.

"Looks like you're still alive," he said.I smiled.

"Yes, at least for now."

He let out a short laugh before turning to Mark, still smiling.

"And this must be ... Mark, right?"

Mark looked at me and raised an eyebrow.

"I had ta say something and I might've let your name slip," I defended myself.

Mark chuckled before looking at the doctor with a smile.

"Yes, I'm Mark," he said.

"It's nice to meet you," said the doctor and shook Mark's hand.

We all sat, the doctor at his desk, Dr. Hayes beside him, me and Mark in two chairs beside the desk.

"Okay, then, Sean," Dr Hayes began. "I understand that you've found yourself in a pretty unusual situation."

"Understatement of the century," I told her.

"Well, I looked at the blood tests myself and checked the results, and after seeing that I can't think of anything else other than the fact you're pregnant. 

"I've already ... come to terms with that, doctor," I shrugged. 

"Now, Dr. Wright told me that you did an ultrasound just over two weeks ago."

I nodded.

"I would like to do another, I want to see for myself." 

I nodded again. She was about to get up when I spoke again.

"I have a question," I said. She sat back and looked at me patiently, apparently waiting for me to continue. "Well, yesterday I saw ... something that i really didn't want to see and, I went back to my room and lay down, it was all fine fer a minute and then suddenly my stomach started to hurt. It hurt really bad, I couldn't even speak while it happened ... and I wanted to know if it's normal or if I should be worried. "

"There's no need to worry, it's common to experience pain if you experience something upsetting or stressful," she said with a reassuring smile. "Unless it happens often there's no reason for you to be concerned."

"Are ya sure?" I asked, biting my lip. "Because the pain was really strong and I was worried about the-the thing." 

"By 'thing' I suppose you mean the baby."

"Yeah, sorry, it's kinda awkward ta say." 

"You might want to stop calling it 'thing' once it's born." Dr. Hayes chuckled. 

"I still don't know if I'm gonna go through with the pregnancy."

"Well, if you do, I recommend thinking of a name."

"That's probably a good idea."

"Any other questions?"

"Um, yes," I said. "Sometimes I'm doing and feeling things that I wouldn't do normally."

"It depends, what kind of things?"

I bit my lip, looking at Mark. This would be awkward with him here. 

"What?" Mark said, looking at me quizzically.

"Nothing," I said quickly before turning to look at the doctors. "First, I've eaten so much salty food, I can't rest 'till my cravin's been satisfied." 

"The desire for food is one of the side effects in pregnancy, so don't worry." Dr Wright said. 

"Oh ... ok, well," I said, feeling rather relieved. "And I've been crying a lot, over nothing most of the time."

"Crying is very common amongst pregnant women." said Dr. Hayes.

"I'm not a woman, though," I told her, biting my lip.

"No, but even if I have no experience with male pregnancies, I would say that your hormones are out of control right now, hence the tears." 

"So it's normal?"

"Yes."

"Okay, and there is also ... well, I'm really ... um, excited, I guess," I stammered, feeling a slight blush creep on my cheeks.

I heard Mark stifle a laugh but, fortunately, he didn't say anything.

"An increase in sexual desire is quite common among people who are pregnant, so there is no need to worry," said Dr. Wright with a gentle smile.

"Wow, really?" Mark asked with his eyebrows raised. "I remember when my aunt was pregnant with the twins, she and my uncle would disappear all the time, maybe that's why!"

"You didn't figure that out?"

"I was twelve!" Mark exclaimed. 

Dr Wright and Dr Hayes began laughing and shook their heads with smiles on their faces. 

"Well, with women, the increase in sexual desire during pregnancy is usually caused by increased blood flow into the vulva, which makes it more sensitive, I assume that the same thing happens to men, only that increased blood flow is directed to the penis," said Dr. Hayes, as if she'd spoken about this a million times before; Dr. Wright was right when he told me that she was professional. I pulled a face. 

"I'm sorry, I'm really gay and the word vulva kinda makes me feel weird." I said, laughing lightly. 

"I'm not gay, but that word makes me feel weird anyway."

"You're not gay, sure," I scoffed. 

"I'm not."

"Then how the hell did I end up in this situation?" I shot back, gesturing towards my stomach. 

"Hey, I was drunk, people do strange things when they're drunk."

"Yeah, like dancing on the tables, standing naked on a roof and eating ice cream 'till they pass out, they don't have sex with another guy if they're straight."

"I was really drunk, I don't remember any of it."

"Well, I do and I can assure ya that at some point yer dick was in my ass an' I fuckin' liked it."

"Of course you did." Mark responded, smirking. 

"You did it, which explains why yer sperm helped make a fuckin' baby inside of me."

"You're talking a whole load of bullshit." 

"No I'm not."

"What ever you say, Lucky charms." Mark snickered. 

We looked at each other, glaring, for a few seconds and I felt a low growl in my throat, instead of responding I moved back and turned to the doctor. 

"Sorry, can we get back ta this?" I asked, ignoring the shock on their faces as they stared at Mark and I. 

"Yeah, sure," Dr Hayes confirmed, quickly regaining her posture. 

"Do you have any other questions or should we go on and do the ultrasound?"

"No, we can do an ultrasound now."

"Alright. We have it all ready, just take off your shirt and lie up on that table" she said before getting up and opening a drawer. 

I got up from the chair and took off my coat, hanging it over the back of the chair but as I was pulling my shirt over my head, I looked at Mark and hesitated.

"Something wrong?" He asked.

"No, it's just ... I'm fat." I muttered. He rolled his eyes and stood up.

"Wow, well, if it makes you feel any better, I sit next to Robert Helmers in one of my classes, so no matter how big you are I can assure I've seen worse."

I wrinkled my nose. Robert Helmers was the biggest guy I've ever seen outside of a reality show on television, probably weighed over two hundred pounds and that couldn't have been healthy.

"Fine, but don't laugh, okay?" I said.

"I promise."

I looked at him suspiciously for a moment before I realised that the only choices I had were to tell him to leave or to ignore the fact that I was a hippo and take off my shirt. So I sighed and proceeded to pull the blue cloth over my head. A chill ran down my body a sudden change in temperature and I wrapped my arms around myself to heat myself up and to hide myself from Mark. 

"You look completely normal," Mark said with a shrug.

"Obviously, you never saw me when I was actually normal," I said.

"Really?" He asked. "Because I'm pretty sure I saw everything." 

I stared for a few seconds, wondering what he was talking about and then I realised. Before I knew it I was laughing. 

"No you haven't," I said with a wry smile.

"What do you mean?"

I looked at Dr. Hayes, who was standing next to the table, she was looking at me patiently. 

"Can we talk about this later?" I asked. He shrugged.

"Whatever you want."

I didn't answer, but instead I walked to the table, jumping on it and leaned back against the cold, but soft material. Dr. Hayes grabbed a tube of gel -which looked exactly the same as the one Dr. Wright had used the last time - she opened the lid and poured a large amount onto my bare stomach, she noticed me drawing back from the cold then offered an apologetic smile, she then turned to Mark who was standing there like he was caught in a trance. 

"Mark, you can sit in that chair if you want," she said and nodded in the direction of the plastic chair next to the table where I was lying.

He scratched his neck as he hesitantly moved closer and finally collapsed in the chair with his hands in his lap, looking more uncomfortable than I had ever seen, well, anyone before. I smiled to myself for a second, thinking it would be fun to take a picture of this, post it to Facebook and let everyone see Mark Fischbach as uncomfortable as he was now. 

"Are you ready?" Dr Hayes asked. 

I took a deep breath and nodded.

"I think so."

"And you, Mark?"

He nodded and tried to smile.

"Yes, I'm ready," he said.

She smiled.

"Well, you're about to see your baby for the first time."

He shrugged as if to say 'yeah, sure, whatever''. It was still hard for him to believe that this situation was real.

"Just go ahead," I said and smiled at the doctor.

She nodded and then lowered the transducer down on my stomach. My gaze fell onto the screen immediately, looking for something, anything. I couldn't see anything though, just blackness and a white stain. 

The thought that the baby could be dead hit me again and I almost began crying again, then I heard a soft and familiar heartbeat. My eyes widened and my heart rate quickened. I looked to see the doctor who had a small smile embellished on her face.

"This is the baby's heartbeat," she said.

"And is it okay?" I stammered, looking at the screen. "And healthy?"

"You know, I've done this job for thirty years and never experienced a male pregnancy," she began, giving me a quick smile before returning her gaze to the monitor. "If someone had asked me a month ago If I thought a baby could healthily grow inside a man's body, I would have said that it wouldn't live for more than a couple of weeks and if it had, then it would have been deformed and probably sick. But ... no, from what I am able to see at this point, it is strong and healthy. "

"Really?" I sighed, tears welling in my eyes. 

She nodded.

"It's a little early to say anything is one hundred percent sure, but it seems that is growing to be a perfectly normal child."

"Thank God, thank God," I whispered and then started crying again, really sobbing. I hid my face in my hands in pure embarrassment, I was crying in front of these people and, above all, in front of Mark and he must've thought I was the biggest idiot to walk the earth. 

"Excuse me," I choked between sobs.

"I - I was r - really sure - that it'd be h-hurt or even dead, but it isn't. It's all right, they're healthy, thank God."

I continued to go on like this, chanting 'thank God' for at least five minutes, unable to hold back the tears. Neither the doctors nor Mark said or did something, they let me cry in peace, and I was grateful.

Eventually I stopped. 

"I'm sorry," I said looking back at Dr. Hayes. "I said that I've been crying a lot lately."

"It's all right," she told me. "See this?" She asked as she held her finger on a blob on the screen. I nodded, still wiping my cheeks with the back of my hand.

"Yeah, what's that?"

"This would be the head."

"The - the head?" I asked, staring at the image on the screen. "You can see it so soon?" 

"You have to remember that a pregnancy usually lasts between thirty and forty weeks and you've completed nearly one third of them. So you just went through the first quarter."

"Oh," was all I said, too busy staring at the blurred image of my baby to give a decent answer.

"And that of course means that you are in your second trimester."

I glanced up at her, feeling nervous again. 

"Um, what does that mean?"

"Well, your second trimester lasts from the thirteenth week to the thirty-eighth, so it is the longest one. The morning sickness should disappear and your food cravings will become less of a problem but they'll still be there, but there are other disadvantages, however."

"Of course," I muttered darkly.

"As I said I've never had to deal with a male pregnancy, but with women, it is very common to have to endure back, stomach or groin pain, stretch marks may appear and the palms of your hands and the tips of your feet may start to itch, and your abdomen will grow very obviously. "

"So basically, I'll become really fat," I said with a sigh.

She smiled.

"Some might see it that way, but I think in the end you'll say it's worth it when you see the baby."

I blinked two or three times, remembering that I may not be able to get that far along. 

"Yeah, unless I have an abortion," I muttered.

"You're still thinking about that?"

I winced a little at the tone of Mark's voice; I had completely forgotten that he was there. When I looked, to say I was surprised would be an understatement. I expected to see him with his usual smile or I expected him to look confused but I was oh so wrong; He looked at me with eyes shining with unshed tears, and, to my surprise, he seemed pretty angry.

"I - well, yes," I said, once I was over the initial shock.

"But it's your child, you're really thinking about killing them?" He asked, frowning.  
I winced.

"Please don't say that," I pleaded.

"Well, it is true, you'd be killing your baby."

"It's not just my baby, it's yours too." I whispered, so softly that he barely heard.

"I know, I know, but-"

He broke off abruptly and let out a groan, he shot up, the seat he'd been sitting on sent a high pitched screech through the room as it scraped across the floor. 

"What are you-" I began, but before I could finish, Mark spoke again.

"This isn't fucking happening, this should be impossible!" He exclaimed. "Do whatever the hell you want, I don't really care."

With these words, he turned and ran from the room. I stared at the door for a few seconds, caught by surprise at the sudden change in Mark's mood. What the hell just happened? Was that him trying to tell me not to have an abortion or something? Did he want me to keep it?

"Okay, would you like a picture, Sean?" Dr Hayes asked, nudging me slightly. 

I swallowed, forcing the lump of emotion in my throat to disappear, before nodding.

"Can I have two copies?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...that didn't go as expected...
> 
> What do you think about Mark's reaction?
> 
> Maybe he really wants Jack to keep the baby ;) 
> 
> Have a nice day/night wherever you are and I'll see you with another chapter soon :D


	5. You're really cute together

Twenty minutes after that horrible incident, I was on the way back to the house with two copies of a black and white sonogram carefully folded into the large pocket of my jacket. A copy for me and one for Mark if he ever decided to speak to me again. He had looked almost desperate, but angry and sad, and, judging by what he said - or tried to say, at least - I assume he didn't want me to abort the baby. 

Why? 

He was the one that told me he didn't care either way. At least he seemed to believe me though because now I could rationally think about this. 

No one was home when I got there, so instead of going to my room, I went into the living room and threw myself on the couch.

To kill or not to kill, that is the question.

I tried to picture the call to the doctor as I said I wanted an abortion, and the thought made me shudder involuntarily. I really, really, didn't want to do it, I couldn't, but I had to, or did I? 

Yes, I absolutely had to. I couldn't look after a damn baby, I can barely look after myself! Then again, adoption was always a possibility, I could live my life but...I'd never get to see them grow up. However, it did seem like the best option. 

Yes. 

The more I thought about it the more appealing it sounded. But then again, I had to walk around pregnant for the next six months and a lot of people would notice it, including my siblings and my Ma. 

Well, so what? I thought, defiantly. It was my life and I was eighteen, I was old enough to make my own decisions, even if they'd completely change my life.

I would go through with the pregnancy then put them up for adoption. 

I knew I'd have to tell Mark and the thought of having to approach him made my heart race. I'd have to tell him that I'd decided to go on with the pregnancy and give him the ultrasound picture if he wanted it.

At least I'd made up my mind and, wow, that felt good. 

*

Having made my decision to give the baby up for adoption once it was born, I spent the whole weekend at home in my bed, thinking about the next few months of my life. 

I would become big and fat, people would look at me and judge, Ma would scream and cry, my brothers and sisters would make fun of me and laugh, Ian would run away and Mark ... 

Mark was something else. 

The advantage to my decision was that he wouldn't have to take responsibility for the baby - which I presumed he'd be great full for- and the disadvantage was...I didn't think there was one that applied to him. 

I stayed home all week, happy that the morning sickness was finally starting to disappear. 

When I woke up on November 20th, I was in bed, not feeling any need to run to the bathroom for the first time in the last two months. I cried with relief but then I remembered Dr Hayes warnings of back pains and groin pains and stretch marks and itchy feet and I began to cry again. 

Monday November 22  
fourteen weeks

On Monday, I woke up late and it was only when I looked in the mirror that I realised that I really was pregnant. I also realised that I had to buy bigger clothes. My stomach was protruding slightly and no shirts and sweaters I owned could hide it. 

Two weeks ago I was a little overweight, but nothing more. Not that my stomach was really big, but ... it was round, and if I had worn the wrong clothes, everyone would be able to see it. After trying pretty much every shirt and every sweater in my closet, I chose a one size shirt that, usually, I used as pyjamas, and I decided that I would just wear a jacket all day.

That plan soon proved a bad idea. I reached school in time for my first two classes and, during it all, I was sweating like a pig and I felt extremely disgusting. No one told me that sweating is a side effect of pregnancy. At the fourth hour, the bell rang announcing that it was time for lunch, I rushed out of the classroom and headed for the nearest bathroom. I needed to get out of that damn coat before I melted and disappeared. 

The corridors were full, as always, and I ran into a lot of people as I walked. My eyesight was starting to blur so when I turned the corner, I bumped right into someone. 

"Sorry," I said before looking to see who I'd walked into. 

My eyes widened and I swallowed.

"Oh, I - I didn't, I'm sorry, I didn't see it was you," I stammered.

Mark looked at me and I saw his eyes darting to look at my belly 

"Yeah, sure, whatever," he said.

I clenched my jaw and looked at the people standing behind him, Felix, the masked boy and the bearded one. 

All three stared at me. The masked boy stared straight through me and the bearded one raised his eyebrows but looked at me sadly while Felix gave a smile but his eyes dared all across my body. So everyone knew about it. 

Mark told them. Great, really great. There were four boys at my school who knew I was an abnormal monster, four boys who would then undoubtedly tell their friends, their girlfriends, parents and, eventually, the whole city. I felt my face turn red, my heart rate increase and the familiar taste of bile at the back of my throat.

"I have to go," I muttered before pushing past them and almost running toward the bathroom door which was a few meters ahead of me.

"Shit," I breathed and tore my coat off, dumping it to the ground. After being trapped within the fabric for so many hours, the air on my arms made me feel cool and dry. 

I swallowed hard and put my hands on the sink in front of me, I took a couple of deep breaths to try to calm myself. Mark had spoken to his friends about me, no doubt laughing as he did, telling them about the guy that he fucked at a party and who was pregnant. I could imagine their scornful expressions, laughing as they knew they had a something new to gossip about. I felt like crying, I was so humiliated. 

"What the fuck did I do to deserve this?" I asked myself. I closed my eyes and the image of the bearded mans mercy eyes and Felix's pity smile filled my thoughts. 

Then it happened again.

The same pain I had felt about a week before took me by surprise and I was speechless, clutching the sink in order to keep myself upright. It was worse than last time, like someone was punching me continuously with a fist made of iron. I cried when a particularly painful contraction ran through my body and I fell to the ground, one hand still around the edge of the sink and the other on my belly. This couldn't be normal. No matter what the doctor said, this couldn't be normal.

My breaths came out in quick gasps and they soon turned to sobs. What the hell was I supposed to do? No one knew I was there and, even if they had known, they couldn't do anything to help me unless I told them what was happening, and I certainly wouldn't tell anybody about this.

My grip on the sink slipped when I had to put my hand on the floor to keep myself seated and the change of position caused even more pain. No matter how I tried to hold back the screams, a cry escaped from my lips and made me squint. The tears that had started with anger turned to tears of pain then to groans and sobs. 

Just when the pain was reaching its pique and I thought I was going to faint, I heard the bathroom door open and managed to turn my head just in time to see Felix and the masked boy, who now had his masked pushed up slightly, stumble into the bathroom and instantly attach their lips to each other. If I wasn't so close to fainting then I would have questioned it. 

It took a couple of seconds before they realised they weren't alone in the room. Felix was the first to see me, his eyes widened in panic but then he recognised the position I was in. He pulled down the masked boys mask. 

"What's wrong?" The masked boy asked. 

Felix nodded his head at me without saying a word and the guy turned around.

"Oh," he said. 

I was about to utter an apology, but just then pain shot through my entire body and I almost screamed in agony but instead I let out a rather desperate sounding whimper. 

"Hey, man, are you okay?" Felix asked. 

"Obviously not," the masked boy muttered

"Obviously, but what did you do?"

The only answer I could give was a tight clutch on my stomach.

"Wait, so is it true then?"

I could hear the disbelief in Felix's voice and I slowly managed to look up at him and spit out an answer. 

"No, it's all a sham," I choked.

"Not like that, I just thought -"

"Felix, this is probably isn't the time to ask yourself what's real and what isn't," said the boy before approaching me. He bent down and put his hand on my back. "Can you - um, can you stand up?" He asked, hesitantly.

I shook my head, although it didn't hurt as much anymore and I could speak again.

"N - no, it hurts," I stuttered, keeping one hand on my stomach.

"I really think you should stand up, man," the boy said.

"I can't!" I cried. "It's t-too fuckin' painful."

"I understand, but you can't sit on the ground, I'll help you," he said as he stood up and held out his hand. "Felix come here, help me," he added.

"But -"

"Felix, for fucks sake."

With a sigh, Felix approached us and put his hand on my waist.

"Just ... try to stand up, we'll help you," the boy said when he tightened his grip on my arm. "Count of three, okay?"

I nodded, and prepared myself for the pain that I knew would hit me as soon as I was on my feet.

"Okay, one, two, three."

I used the hand that I wasn't resting on my belly to push myself off the ground whilst Felix and the masked boy helped hoist me up. The second I was on my feet the pain intensified, I stumbled, letting out a scream and a string of curses, and fell back into the masked boys arms. 

"Wow, seriously, what happened?" He asked as he held me to keep from falling to the ground.

"I thought Mark told ya," I said hoarsely. 

"Well, yes, but what he said didn't make sense," Felix said with a look of confusion on his face.

"He told you that i'm pregnant, I guess," I said, looking at him questioningly. He nodded and snorted. "Well, I am, as crazy as it sounds."

"You can't be serious!" Felix exclaimed, his eyes wide. "You're a man!"

I stared at Felix before I shook off the other boy's hands, ignoring the slight pain that struck my lower abdomen, and stepped back to look at both of them.

"First of all, who the hell are you?" I said sourly, looking at the masked boy. 

"Cry," he said, looking a bit surprised by the hostile tone of my voice.

"Okay, then ... Cry, Felix," I began. "I don't want to waste my time trying to convince people that I don't even know, it's none of yer business ta be perfectly honest with ya."

"No need to get angry," Cry said. "And you maybe you're right about the fact that it is not our business, but considering that you're probably pregnant with our best friends baby, I think we deserve an explanation."

"I am pregnant with your best friend's baby, stop talking about it as if it isn't real." I spat. "And I - I don't know what you want me to explain to you," I added, my voice went from sour to exasperation.

"First of all, how? How is that possible?"

"I have no idea. I haven't done any tests to check that out yet, I just know that what's happenin' is pretty real." Both of their expressions turned sceptical, and I sighed. "Sorry, but what the hell am I supposed ta do?"

"I don't know, just - do you have some kind of proof?" Felix asked; his voice made it clear that he was convinced that I could do nothing to prove what I was saying. I couldn't believe it. Showing them my belly wasn't enough, I'd have to have better proof. 

"Apart from my stomach growing, no" Wait a second. "No, actually ..." I paused and reached down to check the pockets of my jacket, I remembered that I hadn't actually taken the ultrasound pictures out of my pocket. I found them and stood up, slowly handing them over to Felix and Cry. 

Cry reached out and took it hesitantly. He looked at me for a few seconds before turning his head down to look at the picture.

"It's - what is it?" He asked Felix after a while. 

"That's the thing that's making me look like this," I said before grabbing the edges of my shirt. "And no, it isn't weight gain." I snapped when I saw Felix's mouth open to protest. 

"I wasn't gonna say that" he said, biting his lip slightly. "Even I can understand that it isn't just you gaining weight but it's weird-impossible even!"

"Yeah, tell me 'bout it," I said as I left the shirt to return to its normal shape. "I went to the doctor thinking I had a stomach bug or something and they did an ultrasound and suddenly there was a baby on the screen, how the hell do you think I felt?"

"Shocked, I guess."

"More or less."

"So those - I mean ... when?"

"Fourteen weeks," I interrupted. "I asked the doctor when they'd be born but I did the math...they'll be here sometime in May."

Cry nodded. "Wow - this is ... nice?" He said but he sounded lighthearted. 

"Not exactly, no," I said. "A lotta shit's gonna be floatin' around, it's not gonna be fun."

"Probably not," Felix shrugged. "So you're gonna keep it?"

"I'm not going to have an abortion if that's what you mean ... but I was thinking of giving it up for adoption."

"If you're going to give it away when it is born, why not get rid of it now?" Felix asked, raising an eyebrow. 

I swallowed looking at my stomach and put my hands on it.

"I can't kill them," I said. "It's like ... I don't know, but I can't have an abortion, I thought about it, but I realised that there's no way anybody can convince me to."

"It makes sense, I guess," said Cry. "Does Mark know?"

"What?"

"That you're not going to have an abortion."

"No, I didn't tell him."

"Well, you should."

"Okay, why?"

"Because he was really upset about you thinking about an abortion." Cry shrugged, Felix nodded as if to agree. 

"I thought he didn't care." I raised an eyebrow. 

"He cares enough to be upset about the possibility of losing his unborn child." Cry stated. He seemed to do most of the talking, probably because Felix was still coming to terms with the whole thing. 

"It's me that has ta suffer by keepin' it, if I didn't wanna keep it then he wouldn't get ta tell me not to abort it." 

"Can't you take five minutes tell him that you're going through with it?" Felix questioned. "I mean, c'mon bro, he's really mad."

I sighed.

"I'm going to tell him, calm down. It's just really hard, the last time I saw him before today he was stormin' out the door."

"Like I said, he was upset." Cry said. 

"Yeah, well, I didn't know that until now."

"You should have had some idea." Cry retorted. 

"Maybe, I should have," I said, and I shrugged. "In any case I'll tell him, okay? I just have ta find a way ta talk ta him."

"I can give you his number, you can send him a text or call him, or whatever," Felix suggested. I smiled. 

"That'd be great, thanks."

"Gimme the phone, I'll save his number for you," he said, and held out his hand. I took the phone from my pants pocket and handed it to him.

"So you're - I mean, you're ... gay, or what?" Cry asked as Felix was busy typing on my phone. I raised my eyebrows, well that was sudden.

"Y'know I don't even know ya an' yer already askin' questions."

"Well, as I said, you're pregnant with our best friends baby, so it must have happened somehow."

"Um, yes, but I guess I should tell ya that Mark's pretty insistent that he isn't gay."

Cry raised an eyebrow and looked at me quizzically.

"Mark's not gay?"

"Um, is he?" I asked.

"He says he's straight, but we don't believe that's completely true," said Felix as he handed me my phone. 

"Oh ... okay," I said, not being able to find a better answer.

"Then are you?"

"What?"

"Gay."

I felt uncomfortable and I bit my lower lip.

"Yeah, I am," I said finally. "Please don't go around telling everybody, I don't need to be humiliated any further."

"Further?"

"Yeah, I mean ... I assume that you, Mark, and the bearded guy have already told all of your friends and your friends friends, or whoever else about it," I pointed my belly. "So I really don't need ta give people another reason to laugh." I let out a short laugh, devoid of humour. "I was practically invisible for all my life and when people notice me it's 'cause I'm pregnant, I kinda want to be invisible again."

Both of them raised their eyebrows at me. 

"Do you really think we mentioned this to anybody?" Cry asked. 

"Um, yes?"

"Well, we didn't and and we aren't gonna, it's not our business to gossip about, it's yours, and Mark's too."

"Oh," I said, relieved. "Thank you."

"Don't worry 'bout it, Jack," Felix said, with a faint smile. "And anyway, if we ever said anything you'd have somethin' to use against us anyway."

I wrinkled my brow in confusion.

"Like what? All I know is your names and that you're Mark's friends."

"And that we're a couple."

"What? But I ... oh."

I had completely forgotten that I'd seen them together before they'd found me. 

"I kinda forgot to be honest."

"Well, now you know, so if we ever say anything then you can out us." 

"I wouldn't do that, even if ya told the whole world 'bout this."

"Why not? If it gets out that we're together, everyone would stop talking about you," said Felix, "No offense," he added hastily.

"None taken," I said with a shrug. "And I wouldn't tell anyone 'cause that just doesn't sit well with me, I don't think I could do that to anyone, then again, I don't have many people ta tell anyway."

"Oh, well, good to know," Cry said but could hear the playful tone in his voice.

"If ya don't mind me askin' are ya both gay or...?"

"Neither of us are," Cry confirmed. "We're just..."

"Gay for each other." Felix said, smiling widely. 

Cry laughed and shook his head. 

"Something like that."

"And yer a couple?"

They both nodded.

"How long?"

"Ten months, three weeks and five days," said Felix and Cry proudly snorted.

"For a long time, then."

"It feels like its been five minutes," said Cry and put his arm around Felix's waist.

"Just be careful none of ya end up pregnant." I joked, trying to not sound too out of it while they were so obviously caught up in each other. 

"We can confirm that won't happen." Cry joked, snorting.

"But no one else knows about you? Not even Mark or that guy with the beard?"

"Ken."

"What?"

"The bearded guy, that's Ken."

"Right, but they don't know?"

They both shook their heads.

"My older sister knows about it, but only because she caught us, she's fine with it and I think my mom and dad would be too but we've decided not to say anything yet." Cry explained. 

"I guess it isn't an option considering your status 'round here" I said.

"It's not an option, no," Felix chuckled. "We don't mind, we've gotta wait 'till graduation and we can move out of town and go to college and all that."

"So you want to go to college together?"

"Absolutely," said Felix, pulling Cry closer and placing a kiss on the side of his head. 

"That's nice."

I felt tears brim my eyes and I covered them, quickly wiping away tears and I knew Felix and Cry were staring. 

"Sorry, it's just, how sad is it that I don't even know the father of my child's best friends?"

"The father? Then what are you, the mother?" Cry asked and Felix smiled.

"I don't know but you understand."

"I do," Cry nodded. "Y'know, you could try working something out with Mark."

"Somehow I don't see that workin' out."

"You guys are having a baby," Felix said.

"Yes, a child who is the result of a drunk fuck," I muttered. "It's not exactly a reason for friendship, let alone for something more."

"For now, though," Felix snorted. "It would be nice to know that Mark has someone to love him."

"Love? I think you're lettin' yer imagination go wild," I said with a weak smile.

"We can always hope."

"He doesn't seem like the kinda guy ta stay in a relationship" I said.

"What kind of guy do you think he is then?"

"I dunno know, I thought he was the kind of person who would jump from person to person, y'know, new person every other night."

Much to my surprise, Cry and Felix laughed. 

"Um, okay ... why are you laughing?" I asked.

"No, sorry, it's just ... I'd like to see Mark go with a different person every night," Felix managed to say. 

"I mean, he probably could if he wanted to - God knows how many girls would like to get into his pants - but he's not like that. If he's in a relationship he's gonna stay in it 'till there's no hope of saving it and he's only ever had sex with someone he's had feelings for."

"Really?"

"Yes," said Felix "He has had two serious girlfriends since I've known him, both times for over a year. Though, to be honest, I think the reason why he finished with them was 'cause it wasn't really love. They loved him, but he wasn't in love with them, if you know what I mean, it's why none of us believe he's completely straight, those girls were perfect for him, they weren't bad and they were pretty, they liked things that he liked, all that stuff." 

"Just 'cause they seemed perfect it doesn't mean that they were," I said, thinking about Dodger and if I was straight, I would most likely be in love with her because apart from having a vagina instead of a penis, she had all the qualities that I liked in a person; she played video games, she always made me laugh, she was nice and I couldn't doubt that she was beautiful in every single way posible. 

"Obviously not."

"He fucked me at a party an' I can assure ya that there was nothin' loving about that," I said, frowning slightly.

"Drunks don't tend to be very sweet when they're fucking." Cry said. 

"Yeah, I know," I murmured, I thought about the fact that I'd given Mark my virginity, not really but it felt like it since it was my first time with a guy. 

"Are you okay?" Felix quizzed.

"What?" 

"Are you okay? You look like you'd completely tuned out"

"I'm fine." I assured. 

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," I said firmly, "Mark- I mean, when did he have his last girlfriend?" I asked, trying to get their thoughts on something else.

"His last real relationship ended in early June, Victoria Byrne, they were together since last year, so they were kinda shaken up about it," said Cry.

"None since then?"

"Well, not really," said Felix, hesitantly. "Oh, well, I don't know if I should tell you this, but he is going out with this girl, Lauren, and I know they're more than friends, but I'm not sure how much longer they're gonna stay that way."

"So there is a girl?"

"Yes, I think so. She's a total bitch though, so I don't see what he sees in her." Cry huffed. 

"A pretty face and a flexible body?" Felix suggested, snickering. "Maybe his hormones have finally got the better of him. I mean, he hasn't done anything with anyone since he broke it off with Victoria."

I coughed a little 

"Yes, he did."

"Okay, sure, before that day," he said, rolling his eyes.

"But Lauren was at that party, so if he was attracted to her then I'm sure he would've gone to her instead of going to you, sorry" Felix stated. 

"You really want him to be gay." Cry said. "Think I should be worried." 

"No! It's not that I want him to be gay, it's just that I think he isn't straight."

"Yeah, I think so too, but unless Mark says anything we'll leave it, okay?"

"Okay," Felix sighed.

I smiled at them. 

"I'll probably be the first to tell you this, but you're really cute together," I said.

"Actually, you're the second person to tell us," Cry replied with a smile, "My sister told us."

"Aha. Well, I should go now, I have math and I can't miss it if I don't wanna flunk this year," I said and they both nodded. "And I'll tell Mark that I'm keeping the baby," I said as I took my jacket from the floor and flung it over my arm. 

"Good. Well, its been nice to meet you, I suppose," Felix said.

"See you around, I guess, and if we don't, well, for me it was a pleasure to meet you," I said, as I walked toward the door.

"We'll see you around," said Cry. "And don't worry about all those rumours, we'll try to keep people from talking."

"No offence, but I don't think you could do a lot for this," I said with a shrug.

"Trust me, some people look at us like we're gods and it's pretty crazy what we can make them believe." Felix said proudly. 

"Wow, you didn't seem pretentious at all." Cry said sarcastically. 

"Sorry, but it's true," said Felix in his defence.

"Yeah, maybe."

"Well, if you can do anythin' then I'd appreciate it, thanks," I said, with my hand on the door handle.

"We'll do our best." He assured me.

I smiled at them one last time and uttered a quick "thank you" before pushing the handle down and walking out of the room. Once in the hallway, I leaned against the wall and shook my head in disbelief. 

I had just had a conversation with two of the most popular people around here, I hadn't stuttered my way through the conversation and I was oddly proud of that. But neither of them were Mark, the person I needed to talk to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jack made some friends!  
> He's finally made a goddamn decision!  
> Cry and Felix are adorable!
> 
> Anyway, what do you guys think :D?
> 
> Have a good day/night wherever you are!


	6. Stop being a jerk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack and Mark get coffee

Friday, November 26  
Fourteen weeks and four days

The school days seemed to get longer as the days passed and by Friday I could barely stay awake. Not that I usually lend much attention to my classes, but I tended to at least keep my eyes open. That week, however, I managed to fall asleep three times and I ended up being yelled at all three times. 

I knew nothing about pregnancies beyond what Dr. Hayes and Dr Wright had told me, so I didn't know if fatigue was another side effect of it or if I was just feeling lazier than usual. I wanted to know for sure though, so it was why I found myself lying on my bed - as usual - when I got home that afternoon, my phone stuck to my ear while waiting for Dr. Hayes to answer me.

"Office of Dr. Hayes," said a familiar female voice after a few rings.

"Oh, hey, thank God I found it," I said, letting out a sigh of relief "I'm Seàn McLoughlin." 

"Oh, yes, hello," she said, "What can I do for you?"

"I was wondering if it's normal to feel tired all the time. I've fallen asleep three times during class this week because I couldn't stay awake, even if I sleep more than enough the night before, is it normal?"

"Fatigue is normal," she began, "The reason is because you're simply spending a lot of energy to assist with the baby's growth. You'll probably continue to feel tired for the rest of the pregnancy, but it should improve in the next two weeks, meanwhile, be sure to rest a lot, take a little nap once or twice a day, and go to bed a little earlier than usual. in addition, you should try to eat 300 to 400 more calories than you are currently."

"Eat more? I already feel like a whale." I groaned. 

"The most important thing is to keep in good health for your baby, right?"

I sighed.

"Yeah. Okay, so I have to rest a lot and eat more, is that it?"

"More or less,yes, make sure that the extra calories you're taking aren't just candy and chips, alright?"

"Yes, I understand," 

"Well, apart from that, it would be good for both you and your baby if you went for a walk once a day. Not for a very long one, i can understand that would be hard, but a short walk around the block will make you feel much better."

"Being pregnant means paying a lot of attention ta yerself, doesn't it?"

"It does," she said from the other end of the line "Since you're here, might I ask you if you've decided whether you would like to keep the baby or not??"

"Oh. Um, yeah ... I-I was thinking that I could continue the pregnancy and then give it up for adoption," I said hesitantly, worried that she would tell me that it was a terrible plan.

"And have you've seriously thought about this?"

I nodded, but then I realised she couldn't see me.

"Yes," I said, "Or, well, I think so, at least. I can't have an abortion, I wouldn't be able to do it but I can't keep it, so, I thought that adoption would be the best option. "

"It seems like a very reasonable solution," she said and I breathed a sigh of relief "But if this is the case, we should probably make another appointment for you."

"Oh, yeah, 'course, when have I ta come?"

"Well, considering the rather unusual circumstances here, we haven't done a health check yet so we should do that."

"Okay, what's that?"

"I'm going to ask a lot of questions about your medical history and other things, so I'll have to measure your height and your weight, check for HIV, syphilis and hepatitis B, and we can also check your baby for Down's Syndrome. "

"Yeah, that's good" I said. "Will Mark have'ta be there?" 

"It would be a good idea for him to be there since the child has his genes too." 

"Okay, and after that how often will I need ta see ya?"

"Normally we would see you at sixteen weeks, eighteen weeks, twenty-eight weeks, thirty-eight weeks, but since you're male, I'd actually prefer if you could come once every two or three weeks until the thirty-sixth, and then I would see you every week before the birth. "

"Wow, that often, huh?"

"It's up to you to decide of course, but I think it's better safe than sorry."

"No, okay, I'll come as often as you want," I said quickly. "I have no idea what to do, so I just have to listen to you." 

"Well if that's okay then we can make an appointment, is Monday the 6th and 10:00 am okay for you?"

"Yeah, I think it's fine."

"If not then it should be fine, you can call me and we can reschedule for a different day." 

"Yes, okay, thank you."

"No problem."

"Well, um thanks, s-see you in a couple of weeks, I guess," I said awkwardly.

"No problem, have a nice day, Sean"

"Thanks, you too."

I sighed and put my phone on the bedside table. It seemed that I had a lot of doctor appointments to go to from then on. Well, as the doctor had said, better safe than sorry, if my baby died suddenly just because of my lack of desire to go to appointments, I would never be able to forgive myself. 

Wow, I was becoming very pessimistic.

As I lay there, I felt my eyelids getting heavier and before I knew it, I fell into a calm and peaceful sleep.

When I woke up it was dark and I groaned. I realised that, once again, I had slept with my hands resting on my belly and wondered how on earth I could feel so attached to the baby when I hadn't even known about them a few weeks ago.

I sat up slowly, rubbing my eyes and yawning. My phone was placed on the bedside table, where I had left it before, and I sighed, remembering that I hadn't even texted Mark like I should have. He needed to know that I wasn't going to have an abortion, Felix and Cry were right. We may not know each other particularly well - or at all - but it was his baby too and he at least deserved to know what was happening, especially after his reaction in the doctors office. 

My phone told me it was 7:30 pm, and I knew that I wouldn't sleep at all that night. I scrolled through my contacts and found the number Felix had saved as "Markimoo" with three red heart emoji's. I mentally noted that I'd have to change that. 

Should I call or leave a message? I didn't particularly like talking on the phone, I couldn't make eye contact or use expressions or body language to get my point across and there was always a heavy feeling in my chest whenever i tried. Then again, was it really better to phone? Maybe ... no, bad idea. 

Maybe I could send a message and ask him to meet me somewhere the next day? It was Saturday, after all, and we would have no school or other commitments like that, right? Right.

To: Markimoo 

Hey, you have time to meet me somewhere tomorrow? 

I wrote. I read it over a couple of times and decided it was okay before sending it.

It took only a couple of minutes before my phone rang, announcing a message in response.

From: Markimoo 

Fuck, Lauren.

I frowned.

To Markimoo 

Who is Lauren?

From: Markimoo

Okay, you're not Lauren, who are you then?

To: Markimoo

Jack.

From: Markimoo

Ok. What do you want? You wanna tell me about how you killed your own child? 

My mouth fell open. Ok, he was really pissed with me and he thought I had already gone through with the abortion, so I knew that Felix and Cry hadn't said anything.

To: Markimoo

No...look, I don't wanna have this conversation on the phone, can we meet tomorrow?

 

From: Markimoo

If it's to show me pictures of the baby before they killed it then no. 

Shit, what was his problem?

To: Markimoo

Stop being a jerk. And no, that's not why I want to meet you.

From: Markimoo

Well, when and where?

To: Markimoo

Starbucks? noon?

From: Markimoo

Okay.

At least there were some advantages of living in a small town; when you say 'let's meet at Starbucks', it was not followed by 'which of the three hundred Starbucks in the area you are talking about?'. No, there was only one Starbucks in the city and that made things a lot easier than it would be if we were living in one of the bigger cities. 

I put the phone on the bedside table and lay down on my back, my hands once again resting on my belly. The peace didn't last long because just ten seconds later, my door opened and Juliet came in. I didn't even have time to react before she was inside the room. 

"Dude, seriously, what the hell is happening to ya lately?" 

I scowled and I dropped my hands at my sides.

"I'm getting fat," I said sourly.

"Um, okay, sure," she said, shaking her head as if to tell me 'bullshit'. 

"Anything else you want ta tell me or were ya just here ta insult me?"

"Ma's going shoppin', she wanted to know if you want something."

I thought for a few seconds before answering.

"Um, yeah," I said. "A box of Ritz, a bag of apples, bananas, orange juice and a bar of chocolate."

"Seriously?"

"What?"

Juliet snorted.

"No wonder you're getting fat."

"Still better lookin' than you"

"Yeah, I'm sure. Okay, so crackers, apples, bananas, orange juice and chocolate?"

I nodded.

She smiled briefly before leaving the room and closing the door. For an older sister, Juliet wasn't so bad. A little too honest at times, sure, but she knew when to shut up. It's really amazing how two siblings can be so different, even if the age difference is only two years. I was a nervous wreck, loud and obnoxious when i wanted to be and I didn't have any friends except Dodger, whilst Juliet was the star soccer player for the girls team when she was in High School, she could swim in the sea of friends she had and she was neither to loud nor obnoxious, it kinda made me feel inferior and honestly, I kind of was. She was everything I wasn't. 

Saturday, November 27  
Fourteen weeks and five days

It took me a while to get dressed when I woke up the next morning at 11 am I had to go buy new clothes because the only things I owned that didn't cling to my belly was a pair of sweatpants and the biggest T-shirt known to man kind. It would work for the time being because it was winter, which meant many layers of clothes, but when it came around to May -when I'd basically be a whale- I wouldn't be able to hide myself with heavy coats and layered clothing. 

I had another problem though, I was meeting Mark in half an hour and I didn't have anything to wear, it wasn't that I wanted to impress him, it's just that wearing sweatpants in public is against my principles. After a lot of wailing and a couple of desperate moans, I ended up with an old pair of jeans just wide enough around the hips and a grey sweatshirt, deciding that my jacket and a large scarf would hide my stomach pretty well.

By the time I'd gotten myself cleaned up, eaten and got dressed, the clock was already at 11:55 and I lived about fifteen minutes from Starbucks, this meant that I was already late. It was too cold to ride a bike and I felt too fat to cross the entire city on foot. 

So because of this I arrived at Starbucks fifteen minutes after noon, finding Mark already sitting at a table near the window, with a white cup in his hand as he watched absently as people walked out on the street. I smiled when I saw him because it looked like a scene in one of those cheesy romance movies. I walked over to the table and he looked up, giving me a small smile as a greeting. Well, at least he wasn't screaming at me. 

"Hey, sorry I'm late, I had a ... thing to deal with," I said as I sat in the chair opposite his. I noticed a second cup resting on the table, full of something that I couldn't see because of the cream at the top.

"You bought two?" I asked, nodding toward the cup.

"Yeah, I ordered it for you," he said with a shrug.

"For me?" I asked stupidly, a little surprised.

"Yes, it's cold outside, and - well, it's kind of an apology for being an asshole yesterday. I was in a bad mood and I vented on you, I'm sorry," he said, offering me another weak smile.

"Oh, I thought you were mad at me after, well, you know," I said hesitantly.

"I was and I still am kinda."

"Thanks anyway," I said, "But I don't think I should drink caffeine because, well, y'know" I added, pointing vaguely towards my belly.

"What? I thought you - you didn't - I mean, I thought you were going to have an abortion .... I thought you'd already done it," he said, looking surprised.

"No, I didn't. I never said I was going to do it, I told them I was considerin' it," I said.

"And?"

"And what?"

"Did you decide?" He asked, looking at me as if he was afraid to hear the answer.

"Um, actually," I muttered, fumbling with my hands nervously, "I'm not going to have an abortion, I'm going through with the pregnancy and then I'm gonna give it up for adoption once it's born."

He looked at me in silence for a few seconds before slowly nodding.

"I think it's better than killing them," he said.

"I thought so too," I said dryly.

"What made you change your mind though?"

"I never wanted an abortion, it was just an option, I never liked the idea of doin' that to my baby."

"Right."

I looked at him thoughtfully for a moment before asking the question I had had in my head the past two weeks.

"Why did you react like that when we were with the doctor?"

"What do you mean?" He asked quietly after taking a sip of his drink.

"When I told ya 'bout this ya said you didn't care what I did, then after the ultrasound you were stormin' out when I said I was considerin' an abortion, why?"

He seemed a little uncomfortable when he answered. "I, well, I didn't believe it at all when you first told me, and at that time it was the first thing I thought to say," he said. "I felt completely different after seeing that little thing on the screen."

"Yeah, I understand what you mean," I said. "So, okay, let me get this straight: you don't want me to have an abortion?"

"I thought you said you're going to keep it," he said, looking at me in obvious confusion.

"I'm going to keep it, but I'm wondering if you don't really want me to have an abortion or whether you're indifferent."

He scratched his head and ruffled his hair.

"I didn't want - I mean, it's your body, so the decision is up to you, right? I don't really have much of a say."

"That wasn't my question."

He pursed his lips and leaned back in his chair completely.

"I don't want you to have an abortion," he said. "I'm not against abortion, but I think I'm against the abortion of my baby, does that make sense?"

"That's what I was thinkin'," I said with a smile.

"Yeah, I'm really happy you chose to keep them."

"I'm not really keeping them though."

"No, but at least it'll live, I guess that's better than nothing."

"I suppose."

We were both sitting in silence for a few minutes and while Mark was sipping his drink, I looked around wondering if there was anything else to say to him because it was calm and quiet.

"Can I ask you a question?" He said, breaking the silence, saving me from thinking of something to say.

"Sure," I replied.

"It will sound kinda horrible but how do you know the baby's mine?"

My eyes widened and I felt a slight blush on my cheeks. I should have expected this question sooner or later, but honestly I hoped to never talk about it. That conversation would become awkward if he forced me to tell the truth.

"I-I just know, believe me," I said after I took a couple of seconds to think about what to say. I didn't really want to say to Mark Fischbach, who probably had more sex than I changed my socks, that he was the first guy I'd ever had sex with. 

He frowned.

"Not that you don't seem trustworthy or anything," he said hesitantly. "But I don't know you very well, and, sorry, but you can't blame me for wanting to know everything, right? This whole situation is a kinda crazy, if you haven't noticed."

I forced a short laugh.

"Yeah, I noticed," I said.

"Then...?"

I bit my lip and looked around. All of the local tables were occupied mostly by elderly people and families. If I had told him here then it would likely be heard by some children and some eighty year old retirees. 

"Can go for a walk? The doctor said that walking would do me good," I interrupted.

"Not until you tell me how you know that-"

"I'll tell you, but not here, where everyone can hear what we're saying," I interrupted, looking imploringly. He his eyes wander around the room and then sighed.

"Okay, okay," he said as he rose from his chair.

We left the shop and stood out on the crowded sidewalk.

"Which way?" Mark asked, he was looking at me questioningly.

"It doesn't matter, let's just walk," I said before moving again and walking down the road. Sure, there were a lot of people here, but there were so many sounds that no one would be able to hear our conversation.

"Okay, then, we were saying, how can you be so sure that I'm the father?" He asked after a few minutes of silence. We had reached the end of the small road and we had entered a small park in the center of the city. It was much quieter there and, to my surprise, almost bare of any people. The park was so small that it only included a grass and trees but I'd always liked it. 

"Well, I'm sure, because there aren't any other candidates," I said, eyes glued to the ground as I spoke.

"Okay, why?"

I took a deep breath.

"D-don't laugh at me, okay?" I said, biting my lip. He nodded. "Um, yeah, well, you were my first," I muttered. "And you're still the only one."

His mouth opened slightly in a silent 'oh' and he suddenly looked upset. 

"I'm sorry," he said.

"For what?" I asked, confused.

He smiled at me.

"I know I'm kinda rough when I'm drunk, I'm sorry."

"Oh, okay," I said, not wanting to tell him that he was exactly like that.

"No, really, I probably hurt you, right?" He asked, frowning slightly.

"I - not - I mean, yeah you did but that's okay, I survived and everything, so ..."

"I'm still sorry," he said. "Your first time shouldn't be painful or while you're drunk at a party." 

"I didn't know you were such a moralist." I laughed. 

"I thought you, Felix and Cry talked about me for a while." He smirked. 

I went red again.

"Oh, they told you," I muttered.

"Yeah, they did, what did they say?"

I shrugged.

"Several things."

"Like...?"

"They told me ya don't do one night stands." 

"Aha. So?"

"So ... why did you do it with me?"

It felt like my mouth had decided to speak every thought in my head and I instantly regretted that, I wanted to put myself in a ditch and bury myself in it. 

"I'm only human," he said shrugging.

"What do ya mean?"

He gave me a wry smile before answering.

"That I'm an eighteen year old boy who has the same needs as everyone else."

"So you found the loneliest person at the party, got them drunk and fucked them."

"Oh, no - I-I didn't mean that," he said with wide eyes with obvious guilt and horror.

"Of course you meant it," I said. "It's okay, though, I'm not mad at you or anything."

"You're not angry?" he asked incredulously.

"No, I can't say that I am."

"Why not? Most people would be."

"I think yer gonna find that most people that ya know aren't me."

He didn't answer, just gave me a smile as we continued to walk. I had to admit that despite his status around here, he was actually okay to talk to, who would have known?

"So, you thought I was an asshole?"

 My eyes widened. Had I said that out loud? I looked at Mark who was smirking, yes, I had. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that." I muttered.

"I took advantage of you, and you called me an asshole. Now we're even," he said with a smile.

"So you think being called an asshole is equal to being pregnant? You have a strange perspective on life Mark Fischback," I said.

"I was talking about what happened, not its consequences."

"Right. Okay, we're even."

Again there was silence. We had already arrived at the end of the park when I noticed a bench a couple of meters to our left and heaved a sigh of relief. My back was hurting because of the walking, not only the walk through the park but the walk from my house to Starbucks too. 

"Hey, can we sit down there? I'm kinda tired." I puffed. 

"Tired? We only walked for fifteen minutes or something," he exclaimed. 

"Pregnant, remember?"

"Oh yeah, right, I'm sorry," he said as we started walking to the bench. "Is it because of those things that the doctor talked about too? You know, the stomach pain, back pain and everything else."

I was kind surprised that he'd had actually paid attention to what Dr Hayes said but I didn't comment on it. 

"Yes, it's my back" I said as we both sat down on the discoloured, once white, bench. He was holding onto my arm as I sat back and I couldn't help but laugh. "I don't think it's cause fer concern Mark, I just walked too much."

"But other than that you're fine, right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"That's good and is he, I mean is she-" he huffed and took a breath. "Is the baby okay?"

"The baby's fine, at least as far as I know."

"Oh. It's just that, you know, Cry and Felix told me what happened in the bathroom."

I looked down as I felt my cheeks blush.

"It was just a few contractions or something, it's nothin' ta worry about."

"Is it the same thing that you asked the doctor about?"

"Yeah, pretty much the same," I said with a shrug.

Mark looked at me with a hint of worry.

"But didn't she tell you they were caused by stress or something?"

"I- well, yes," I said slowly. "What?"

"Nothing, just- I don't know, you were in school, what could've stressed you out that much?"

Shit.

"Nothing special," I said, trying to sound casual.

"Are you sure?"

I nodded.

"Yes," I said firmly.

I hesitated a little before continuing.

"But ... can I ask you a question?"

"Go ahead."

"Okay, it's just that, you know, the reason we're here is because You got me pregnant, right?"

"Yes?" he said slowly, an amused smile was pulling the corners of his mouth.

"And this has happened because we had-well, because we fucked, right?" I stammered.

"Wow, you're really delicate," he said with an amused snort. "But you were saying?"

"Yes, so ... you fucked me and I- well, aside from the recent events, I'm still pretty sure I'm a guy, so are you gay or bi or something?"

"I thought Cry and Felix told you that I've had girlfriends. Girls," he said.

"They told me, but -"

"Mark?"

Both Mark and I looked up and saw a beautiful girl with long red hair standing a few meters away from us. Her face lit up in a smile when her eyes met Mark's and she approached us.

"Oh, hey, Lauren," Mark said with a smile. 

"Hey, what's up?" she asked, smiling sweetly at him.

"Nothing special, I'm doing a tour," he said, gesturing toward me, but without looking at me.

"Hey." She said, looking at me from head to foot a few times before her expression turned disgusted. I soon realised that the redhead was probably the girl that Cry and Felix thought was a bitch. "Your name is ... What's your name?" She added, raising her eyebrows at me.

"I - uh - it's -"

"Seàn," said Mark, interrupting my shameful stammering.

"Right, Seàn."

There was an awkward silence until Mark coughed and stood up.

"Okay, do you wanna go? My house is empty for another hour or two," he said, but when I looked up, he was looking at Lauren. 

"Yeah, let's go," she said, cheerfully.

"Go ahead, I'll catch up," he said before leaning forwards and placing a chaste kiss in her lips. 

"Don't be long" she said with a suggestive smile before turning around and walking away.

I looked away from my belly, that I had lowered my head to when I started feeling as if I was invading their conversation, and then I looked at Mark again.

"Sorry," he said. "I have to go. It 's just that -"

"No, it's okay," I said quickly. "Is she your girlfriend?"

"She might be soon," He said. 

"Alright. Okay, you should probably go get her, I'm just gonna sit here fer a while," I said, trying to smile.

"Are you sure? I could take you home."

As if he wanted to be seen with me.

"No, it's fine," I said.

"Well, don't sit here too long, it's cold, it isn't good for you or-" he looked around, apparently checking that there were no people in the vicinity before finishing "for the baby."

"Don't worry, I'm leaving soon."

He nodded and gave me a smile before turning around. But before he took three steps, he turned back.

"Hey, could you call me or send me a message before going to the next doctor's appointment?" he asked. 

"Um, sure," I said uncertainly. "Why?"

"Oh, I thought that I could go with you," he said, suddenly nervous.

"Really?" I asked, surprised.

"Yeah. I mean, if you don't mind."

"No, I don't mind," I said quickly. "I've already made an appointment for December 6th at ten, actually. It a Monday and I know it's inconvenient and all, but -"

"No, that's fine. I think I have to be in the gym, so I can skip that."

"You'll be there then?" I said, and I couldn't hide the hopeful tone. 

"Yeah, I'll be there."

A smile found its way to my face.

"Good."

"Good? So you want me there?" he asked, raising his eyebrows provocatively.

"N-no, you're just- you're the only one who knows it except the doctors a-and I need someone to tell me that it's all okay, make sure that my belly doesn't seem big an' all that, y'know? Anyway, you're the only one I can really talk to about this and I think I need someone ta talk to, this is all too big for just me."

Mark raised his eyebrows again, but this time to say like, 'What the hell are you saying? I don't want to be that guy' and I felt my face turn an even brighter shade of red. 

"Sorry, sorry," I murmured, trying to clear my thoughts. "Sorry, I didn't mean you've gotta be close to me or anythin', you don't have to listen to me, it's my problem even if you are part of it, even if you shouldn't be part of this, because you've got your own stuff and I've gotta deal with my own stuff and I completely understand if you-"

"Shit, calm down," he interrupted with a short laugh. 

I swallowed.

"I'm sorry."

"No, I-"

"Mark are you coming or not?"

Lauren was standing about twenty meters from us but I saw the annoyed and impatient expression on her face.

"Yeah, gimme a second," he said before turning and looking at me again. "Send me a text or something, all right?" He then said.

"Why? I already told you when the appointment was."

"Yeah, well, if you want to talk or something," he said.

"Oh. Right. Okay, I-I'll do it," I said hesitantly.

"All right. Okay I have to go, but I'll see you soon."

I nodded and smiled briefly before he turned and walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've literally been so caught up in this that I forgot to hand in my assignment yesterday...whoops...however, I did get four more chapters written for this (I might even post the next one sooner :D) 
> 
> Have a good day/night everyone :)


	7. You stutter when you're nervous, you know that right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark and Jack go to the doctor and talk about the future.

I didn't take up Mark's offer to text him if I needed to talk, even if I really needed it. The reason I hadn't was because I came to the conclusion that he'd offered to be polite it was like being a kid and getting an invitation to a party from a kid you didn't even speak to, they didn't really want you there but they invited everyone in the class and their mom . So I didn't send him any texts, and I hadn't seen him except from when we passed each other in the hallways, I always tried to refrain from eye contact so that he didn't feel obliged to say hi or anything. His social life didn't have to suffer just because I decided to keep my baby.

Because of this next time we met was at the doctors office just a little over a week later. 

Monday, December 6  
sixteen weeks

I arrived at the doctors office thirty minutes earlier than was necessary that Monday. I had taken the day off from school and walking around the house doing nothing was killing me, I couldn't even focus on my studies so that's how I ended up here, sitting in an uncomfortable chair waiting for my name to be called. 

There were two women sitting there, they were both in their late twenties to early thirties, both pregnant and both had their husbands at their sides. All four continued to look at me with curiosity, wondering no doubt what I was doing there, especially without a girl at my side. 

As the minutes ticked by they continued to stare and I was becoming impatient, fast. If this was what was happening now, when it wasn't possible to figure out that I was pregnant due to the huge sweater and jacket I was wearing, what would happen a few months from now when I couldn't hide it?

Five minutes before the appointment, I heard the glass door to the waiting room open and when I looked up, I saw a shivering Mark walking towards me, rubbing his arms.

"Shit, it's cold outside," he said when he sat down in the chair next to mine. His red hair was covered by a hat and he had a dark blue scarf wrapped around his neck. I had to admit, he didn't look half-bad.

"It's almost Christmas, it's supposed to be cold," I told him. 

"What do Christmas and the cold have in common?" He asked as he removed his hat and fixed his hair. I shrugged.

"I don't know, but a cold and white Christmas is much better than a hot and rainy Christmas."

"Well, I'll give you that."

"Thank you."

"So haven't needed me?"

"What?"

"I told you to send me a text if you needed to talk, but you never sent one."

"Oh, that. No, I thought you were busy with Lauren or your friends or a party or something," I told him.

"My everyday life isn't that busy, so don't worry if you feel like talking," he said with a sincere smile.

"This is somethin' I've gotta deal with, ya shouldn't have ta suffer 'cause of me," I said.

He raised his eyebrows.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe I'm fifty percent responsible for this."

I shrugged.

"Yeah, well, if I wasn't completely crazy then I'd have already had an abortion and you wouldn't have ta take responsibility."

He smiled before leaning forward and putting a hand on my knee.

"I don't want you to get an abortion, remember?" He said. "And it's not a lot of responsibility because you're going to give it up for adoption, you know. So if you need to talk to someone, or you need something really, don't hesitate to call or send me a text, okay? I want you to do it, I might get worried if you don't."

The hand that he had put on my knee made me feel nervous for some reason and I swallowed, trying to alleviate the discomfort in my stomach.

"I - uh- I won't not bother you with my complaints and my boring speeches, a-and you shouldn't feel like ya have ta an-"

"Calm down, no need to get so nervous" he interrupted.

"I-I'm not nervous." I stuttered. 

"You stutter when you're nervous, you know that right?" 

"Sorry," I muttered.

"You aren't as boring as you think you are," he continued and I snorted.

"You don't really know, do you?"

He smiled and shook his head.

"Not really, no, but to be honest I can imagine worse ways to spend my day than talking to you." 

"I- Oh, thanks, I guess," I said, feeling a slight blush creeping on my face.

Fortunately, our conversation ended there, when a familiar voice called my name and we both got up to follow Dr Hayes. She led us to an office which was different from the one we'd been in the last time. 

"Hello," she said with a smile once inside the office. "I'm glad you still look healthy."

"Yeah, me too," I said as I looked around the room. There were a lot of pictures and diagrams that, as far as I could see, were about pregnancy. Next to exam table was an ultrasound machine that looked similar to the one from before but this one seemed more up to date. 

"This office is really different," I said as I sat down in the chair next to the desk where Dr Hayes sat.

"Since I'm a midwife it seem right to have the decorations on the walls related to pregnancy," she said with a smile as she looked at some papers on her desk. She clapped his hands and then looked up from the documents to look at Mark and I.

"It's good to see both of you here." She said with a smile. 

I felt Mark move a little uncomfortably in the chair next to mine. 

"Sorry, that's my fault, we're here now though" he mumbled with a nervous laugh.

"Yes, well, I'm not here to give life lessons." She said giving a comforting smile. "Now, as I said, we're going to do some medical exams," she told us. "I'm going to ask a few questions about your medical history then we'll get started."

I nodded and at the corner of my eye, I saw Mark do the same. Dr. Hayes opened a folder on her desk and pulled out a few blank sheets of paper and a pen. I saw her write my name and the date.

"Okay, then, do either you or your direct families have any severe allergies?"

I shook my head and I heard Mark say a quick "no".

"Any genetic conditions?"

I shook my head and Mark did the same.

"In your family is there any cases of diabetes or anything similar?"

Still the same reaction.

"Well, very well. Now, Sean, if you want to get up and take off your shoes and jacket, I'm going to measure your weight and your height."

I felt my heart beating fast. I would have weighed two hundred pounds, minimum. 

"Is it necessary?" I asked, hoping she would say no. 

"Unfortunately, yes," she said with a pleasant smile. 

I sighed, but I got up from my chair, took off my shoes and took off my jacket that rested on the chair. Then I turned to Mark and looked at him imploringly. 

"Don't laugh, even if it says I'm 200 pounds."

"Do you realize that even if you weighed two hundred pounds, which I highly doubt, it would be due to the fact that you're pregnant and not because you are fat, right?" he said.

"It's the same thing," I muttered, he shook his head whilst laughing. 

"I won't laugh, I promise."

I gave him a warning glance before heading to the scale where Dr. Hayes was waiting for me.

"You just have to step on the scale," she said with a nod.

I took a deep breath before stepping on the scale. 

The electronic numbers went up and down for a few seconds before they stopped and I let out a silent sob. 

"One hundred and forty three pounds," she said, as she wrote the numbers on the paper she had brought from the desk.

One hundred and forty three pounds. My heart sank. "Oh, my God," I groaned.

"How much did you weigh before the pregnancy."

"One hundred and thirty" I said grimly.

"Everything is normal and healthy."

"Normal and healthy," I said sceptically.

"Many people have gained much more weight in their sixteenth week, so you have nothing to worry about."

"I still feel fat."

She smiled. "Don't worry, a lot of that extra weight will be lost when the baby's born. Now, if you want to come here, I'm going to measure your height," she said as she moved a little to the side where there was a sort of measuring tape attached to the wall. 

I moved from the scales to the wall and stood back against the wall. 

"Let's see ..." She said slowly, and I felt her fumbling with something over my head. "One meter seventy-eight centimetres."

I heard Mark laugh and my head snapped around to look at him. 

"You told me that you wouldn't laugh," I said.

"I said nothing about laughing at your height, I can't believe I'm taller than someone." he chuckled. "You're very small."

"You're not that much taller than me" I challenged him.

"I'm one hundred and eight ." He shot back. 

"Well, Seàn," said Dr. Hayes ending my conversation with Mark, "given your height and your weight before pregnancy, you're perfectly normal, do you do a lot of exercise?"

"Not really," I said. "I go for walks but nothin' extreme."

"And you?" She asked, this time looking at Mark.

"Me?" he asked. "I'm not the pregnant one."

"No, but your child has your genes," she said, amused by the boy's gaze.

"Oh, well ..." He scratched his head. "I'm on the school football team, so I have six hours of training a week, I run every day except Sunday and, if I have time, I lift weights a few times a week. I'm in a pretty good shape."

I couldn't even feign being unimpressed.

"Impressed?" He asked, winking. 

"No, just ... no," I lied quickly, a little embarrassed by my reaction. His smile widened, but he said nothing.

"Both of you seem to be perfectly healthy young boys," the doctor said, and went back to sit at the desk. I followed her and I sat down on the chair and then put my shoes back on. 

"Okay, now I'll do some more tests. They're not necessary but I'd like to inform you that they can help ensure the safety of your baby."

"What kind of test?" I asked.

"For HIV, syphilis and hepatitis B. I could also check the baby for Down's syndrome and I'd need a urinalysis to find if there's any chance of diabetes."

"Wow, there's so many," I felt slightly overwhelmed by them but I knew I'd have to do them, I mean I didn't but it'd be best for the baby, right?

"As I said on the phone, you can decide whether to do these tests or not, but I recommend them."

"Yeah, I know, let's do it," I said quickly. "How long will that take?"

"About an hour, give or take."

I turned to Mark and looked at him apologetically. 

"I'm sorry," I said. "Ya don't need ta wait, you can go home or back to school or go somewhere else."

"No, that's fine. I want to wait," he said. I felt myself blushing again. He wanted to wait?

"Okay, whatever you want," I said.

"We can't do these tests in this office, we have to go to the lab, but you can join us Mark," said Dr. Hayes.

"Is it okay for you?" He asked, looking at me quizzically.

"Yeah, sure," I said quickly, earning a smile.

"Come on then," said the doctor as she rose to her feet with a pile of folders under her arm.

"If she tells me to undress, get out of the room," I whispered to Mark while walking down numerous corridors with Dr. Hayes who was a couple of meters in front of us.

"Oh, please, I've seen a lot more."

"But you don't even remember!" I muttered. "And it was quite dark so I think, in reality, you haven't seen anything."

"So where did I put my dick?"

"Shut up."

Approximately an hour later later we were back in Dr Hayes office. I didn't have to get undressed for any tests and I was relieved, so, Mark sat next to me the entire time and for some reason I found it comforting.

"I doubt there's something wrong with you or your baby, but I'll let you know at our next appointment," said the doctor, after we had sat back in the chairs. 

"Okay," I said. "When?"

"It's your call. I know I said you want to do a check every two weeks, but if we wait three weeks I'll be able to tell you the sex of your baby." 

My mouth dropped open. 

"The sex of the baby? So soon?" I asked weakly.

"It's probably because you didn't know until late pregnancy but you're already seventeen weeks, things are going to seem early when in other pregnancies people think it's a very long time to wait." Dr Hayes said. 

"I keep forgetting," I muttered. "Okay, so, wow, the baby's sex. Now it all seems real."

"I think it is real." Mark said with a smirk. 

"Well, yeah, but ... you know what I mean," I turned back to the doctor, "I have somethin' ta ask ya," I said and she nodded as if to say 'go ahead'.  
"In short, I looked at some pictures on the internet of women that are between 16 and 17 weeks, but most of their bumps were smaller than mine."

"And you're worried that there's something wrong with you," she concluded with a small smile.

"Yeah'."

"If you're just concerned, you can remove your jacket and let me have a look." 

"That would be great, thanks," I said before I took off the jacket and the shirt under it quickly. Only a few moments later I noticed that Mark was staring at me. Or, more precisely, he was staring at my stomach. "Mark?" I said, feeling uncomfortable.

"Oh, sorry, I'll stop, you just look, I dunno, pregnant" he said.

"Thank you?" I said hesitantly, not quite sure if it was a compliment or not.

He smiled. "It was a compliment."

"Oh. Thank you then."

Dr. Hayes became a little closer to me and I looked away from him. "If you drop your arms to your sides, I can see better," she said.

I did as she told me, trying not to get excited. She looked at my stomach for a few seconds before turning her eyes again to look at my face. 

"It seems quite normal, Sean, you don't need to worry."

"Are ya sure?" I asked, looking at my stomach.

"Absolutely."

I sighed but then smiled. "Okay, thank you then."

Mark and I waited there for about ten minutes. Dr. Hayes had told me that she would like to see me On the 27th when I had more of a chance to know the sex of the baby, and then we were out of the building.

*

"So," Mark said as we walked along the snow covered sidewalk. "We'll know the sex in three weeks."

"We? You're coming with me?" I asked, surprised.

"If you don't mind."

"No, it's okay."

This was followed by a brief pause. 

"So we'll know the sex." Mark said, breaking the silence.

"I suppose so," I said with a shrug.

"What do you want it to be?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Aren't you curious?" He asked, confused.

"Of course I am, but-" I paused. I sighed and shook my head. "Nothing."

"Oh, come on, tell me."

"No, Ma-"

"Please? It's my baby that you're carrying, you know," he said with a smile.

"And that means that I have to share all my thoughts with you?"

"It doesn't, but I think it would make you feel better."

I took a deep breath and kicked a couple of snowballs that sat on the sidewalk, shattering them. 

"I just - I don't wanna start thinking too much about this baby, because it's making me feel more and more attached and I-I don't want that to happen because I'll have to give it away when it's born and it's gonna feel like hell." 

"I think we're gonna get attached, it's ours, no matter how hard we try not to."

"Thank you, that helps me a lot." I muttered.

"I'm sorry."

"It's just weird, y'know?" I said with a sigh. "I have this life inside me, but once it's born, they'll never know me. They'll be taken away from me and I hate thinkin' about that an' about how they'll grow up with other parents, not me."

Mark remained totally silent for a few seconds before letting out a small chuckle. 

"Do you want to know something?" he said.

"What?"

"I hate thinking about that too."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

"Hm. But you know, even though you might not know them, you'll always know they're out there and they'll be living the life you wanted for them, maybe their adoptive parents will talk to them and they'll come looking for us one day."

I smiled slightly. 

"Thanks, it won't be the same though, you know that?"

"Yes, I know but we can hope we'll see them again one day."

"Yeah."

"It doesn't hurt to be curious, you know. Asking yourself what sex the baby is won't make you feel more attached to it, anyway."

"Maybe not, it's just a little, you know, depressing." And it was more depressing than I could (or would) say in words. A feeling of unease burst in my stomach every time I thought of giving away my child after holding them inside me for so long, growing attached to it. And most of the time it was a feeling of nausea and a strange, painful sensation in my chest.

"Yes, I know. But I'm still curious," he said, and put his hand on my back. It wasn't often that someone would even touch me (sad, right?) and the gesture startled me. 

"Sorry, sorry," he said and immediately withdrew his hand.

"No, it's fine," I said quickly, not wanting to offend him, "It was just a little unexpected."

"You're sure?"

"Yes."

We walked in silence for a minute or two before he opened his mouth again.

"So what do you want it to be? A boy or a girl?" he asked.

"I- Does it matter?"

"Not really, I suppose, but I'm curious," he said. "Pretend that we're not giving it away and we're keeping it, what would you want it to be?"

I shrugged and sighed. "As long as it's healthy, I'm happy," I said.

"Sure, but are you happier with it being a boy or a girl."

I threw him a quick glance, finding him looking at me with very curious brown eyes.

"If I wasn't to give it away, I'd like a boy, I know how they work, I dunno what I'd do with a girl." I said hesitantly.

"Hm, yeah, I like that, a baby boy" he said with a soft smile on his face. "Would have been nice."

"So you want a boy" I asked, without being able to contain my curiosity.

"It wouldn't have mattered," he said. "I would be fine either way but yeah, a boy would have been nice," he added. "Even a little girl would be nice."

"It would have been nice." I smiled sadly.

"Yeah, well, maybe one day," he said, his smile disappeared.

One day. Not now, not this child, not with me. 

"Yeah, one day," I agreed, "You want- I mean, do ya want children in the future when ya find a girl and yer in love and everything else?" I added, looking away. 

He furrowed his brows but then gave a bright smile. 

"Yes, of course, but preferably not when I'm too old," he replied.

"Don't tell me about it," I said with a laugh. "My uncle wasn't married 'till he was fifty, he married a girl that's thirty so he had his first kid at 51"

"Wow, that's a bit older than I'd like to be when I start a family," he said, wrinkling his nose. 

"Yeah, me too. I wouldn't like to be too young though."

"Like now?"

I gave him a sad smile and nodded. "Yeah, like now."

He smiled back, but then his expression turned pensive and looked at me with his brow furrowed, as if he was thinking about something.

"What's up?" I asked.

"Nothing, just ... okay, don't get me wrong, but you're gay, right?" he said.

"Y-yes," I said hesitantly. "Please don't tell anyone."

He gave me a reassuring smile. "I won't, it's just that - I - well, you said you want a family, so, I mean, you would want to get pregnant again in the future?"

"Oh," I said, frowning a little. "I have no idea, but that's a good question, I should see if that's possible so I don't end up in this situation again." 

"Yeah," he agreed. "Do you think you'd do it again?"

"You mean later in life?" He nodded and I bit my lip. "I'm not sure, maybe," I said. "It kinda- no, it's really fucking weird, but I don't know. To be honest, it would be nice. If you don't include the back pain, the excess weight and the rest of the side effects."

"Right, right," he murmured, "So you'd like to?"

"If I find a guy that I fall in love with, who wants a baby with me and he's open-minded enough to accept that his boyfriend can get pregnant, then yeah, I think I'd take it into consideration. If I can get pregnant again, obviously."

"For what it's worth, I think you'd be a great dad-mom thing," he said with a smile.

I also smiled and turned my head to make sure he couldn't see the pink tinge on my cheeks. 

"Thanks, so would you," I said, looking at his feet.

I didn't notice how far we'd walked as the conversation went on, but then I stopped and looked around. The road that we found ourselves on was vaguely familiar but I knew I was far away from home.

"Where are we?" I asked.

"Oh, I'm sorry, really I don't know where you live, I guess i just walked this way without thinking," he said with an apologetic glance.

"You live here?"

"A few houses away."

"Oh. Yeah, all right, I-I'd better look for a bus stop or somethin', it's too far away for me to walk to my house from here," I said nervously, looking around to see if there was a bus stop nearby.

"Sorry, sorry, I should've asked you where you live, I could walk you there," Mark said, sounding angry with himself.

"It's too far," I said, puffing.

"Hey, I'm in good shape."

"Are ya prepared to have ta carry me half of the way?"

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"So ... you should go home, huh?"

"It's too cold to stay out," I chuckled. "is there a bus stop or somethin' around here?"

"Unfortunately, no, I usually take the car to get around or I walk."

"Oh," I said, biting my lip. I didn't want to ask him to give me a ride, but what choice did I have? But before I could open my mouth, he began to speak again.

"I'd offer to drive you home," he said as if he had read my thoughts, "but my mom is keeping an eye on me and I'm only allowed to take it out if she knows about it."

"It's fine," I said quickly, waving his hands in the air. "I'll try something else."

"Like what?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I'll call a cab or somethin'."

"A cab? Are you crazy?" He snorted. "Taking a cab around here is a total scam."

"Id rather be the victim of a scam than die out here in the cold."

"No, you know what, why don't you come with me?"

My mouth dropped opened. Mark was inviting me to his house? 

"I- I- uh- c-come with you?" I stammered.

"Relax, it's not the White House, you know," he said, obviously amused by my sudden nervousness.

"I know, I- uh, sorry, I just - you want me to come with you?" I asked, a little more calm now.

"Yes?" He said it as a question, and his expression became insecure. "You don't have to, I just thought it it'd be better than spending a hundred dollars on a cab."

"Oh. I suppose."

"So, come with me, we can do something before my mom gets home from work then I'll drive you home." 

I sighed, hesitating for a few more seconds before nodding.

"Okay," I said, "thank you."

Going to Mark Fischbach's house, I snorted slightly. 

It's sad to think that it took something as extreme as getting pregnant to shake up my social life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, what do y'all think? A baby boy or a baby girl? 
> 
> There will be another chapter posted tonight as it kind of goes along with this one and I'm so excited to post it! I don't think I can wait 'till tomorrow! 
> 
> Have a good day/night wherever you are :D!


	8. Don't say it like that

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark has an unexpected hobby and Jack is an emotional wreck.

"It's big, I know." Mark said, he must have noticed me staring around in confusion. His house was practically a maze! 

"how many people live here?"

"Right now, mom, dad and my adopted brothers Daryl and Michael, my brother Thomas used to live here but he's at college so you'd only see him 'round here during Christmas and summer and all that shit."

"Sorry, but this house is big enough to accommodate fifteen people," I said with a slight laugh.

"Probably, yeah," He agreed with a smile, "Well, this is my room," he added as soon as we stopped in front of a white wooden door and opened it.

The first thought that crossed my mind, once I stepped inside was 'shit' because the room was huge. It was like my room, my brothers room and the bathroom being thrown together. The walls had been painted in a soft beige colour and, hanging on the wall, there was a lot of photographs: some of these showed people, others were pictures of flowers and animals and some were just random objects. The one thing that all pictures had in common is that they were all taken for artistic reasons. I wondered for a moment if the photographer was Mark.

A King sized bed was placed against the wall and maybe a thousand pillows and blankets were scattered over the mattress making it look incredibly convenient, especially now since I was completely exhausted. 

"You want to sit?" Mark's voice stopped my train of thought and I looked at him. He was gesturing to his bed and I looked at him with a raised eyebrow, unsure. 

"Y-you want me to sit on yer bed?" I asked uncertainly.

He shrugged nonchalantly, but I noticed an amused smile on his lips. "You can sit on the couch, if you want," he said and pointed to a black leather sofa. "But you were looking at my bed like you wanted to fuck it so I thought I'd offer"

I felt the pink blush on my cheeks at his words. 

"Okay, I can sit on the sofa," I said, though my mind was screaming to me to leave my body to rest tired comfortable in Mark's bed.

"But you want to sit on the bed, right?" he asked, this time with a hint of mockery in his voice.

"I said it's okay, I'm gonna sit on the sofa," I said, my face was becoming warmer with each passing second.  
He sighed in exasperation, even though she was still smiling, before suddenly leaping forwards and grabbing my arm.

"What are you doing?" I asked as he dragged me to the bed.

"I'm putting an end to this stupid discussion," he said. Then he smiled at me and before I realized what he was doing, I fell on my back on the bed.

The bed was even more comfortable than it looked. I sighed and I could barely resist the temptation to close my eyes at the wonderful feeling of my aching back against the soft mattress. 

"Your bed is incredible," I muttered. The sound of my own voice woke me a little, I shot up and leaned back on my elbows and looked at Mark who was standing beside the bed, looking at me with a smile. "Sorry," I said sheepishly, "It's just really comfortable."

"And you're tired," he said with raised eyebrows.

"That's not true, I'm just-"

"Extremely tired."

I smiled slightly, feeling a little embarrassed by how obvious it was. 

"Yeah. I'm sorry, it's just that, you know, back pain, and the rest," I said.

"It's all right. You can sleep if you want."

"What?" I exclaimed, "I- I can't sleep i-in your bed!"

"Of course you can."

"Mark, but-"

"Relax, it's just a bed," he said, rolling his eyes.

"Well, yeah, but I-"

"Yes, you can, because it's my bed and I said that you can," he said as he rolled his eyes. "Come on, rest your head on one of those three thousand pillows I have and get some sleep."

I bit my lip. I was so tempted to accept his offer, but ... he was- well, not a stranger but we certainly didn't know each other well enough for me to fall asleep in his bed. 

"It's probably good for the baby if you rest." he said as I continued to stare.

I frowned. "Ya can't always pull that card."

He smiled. "It worked, right?"

Of course it worked. "Yeah."

"Great! So go to sleep."

I sighed, but then shuffled around in the bed so that my head rested on a huge cushion. At the time, the most comfortable position to sleep in was on my back since that's how I usually slept, so that's how I lay. 

"Sorry, I'm boring,' I said.

"You're not boring, relax," I heard him reply, "you mind if I sit next to you?" He added after a brief pause.

"It's your bed," I muttered wearily.

A few moments later I felt the mattress beside me fall, but I couldn't find the energy to open my eyes and look at where he was sitting exactly.

"This bed is really comfortable," I said, already half asleep.

"Go to sleep, Jack," was his answer, and also the last thing you could hear before my mind disconnected and I fell asleep. 

*

When I awoke, I was lying in the same position as when I had fallen asleep. Seconds later I opened my eyes and I couldn't remember where I was. But then I raised my head up and I saw the bottom of Mark's chin just above me. 

"Hey," I said numbly. Mark flinched and nearly dropped his phone between his hands before looking down at me.

"Christ, you scared me," he said.

"Sorry," I replied with a smile, while I sat normally with my back against the headboard, like Mark. "How long did I sleep? Oh. What time is it?"

He cast a quick glance at the phone screen before answering. "One thirty." He told me. 

"Were you here the whole time?"

He smiled. "I did some chores, then I played clicker heroes for a while."

"Oh, nice."

"So, how did you sleep?"

"Extremely well, this bed is fant- oh!"

My hands were still resting on my belly and, suddenly, I felt movement beneath the thin mesh fabric that I was wearing. It didn't hurt, it was just ... weird, it almost tickled. I kept my hands at the same point, and a fraction of a second later, it happened again. My eyes widened. They were...

"What? Is something wrong?" Mark asked, worried.

"N-no," I stammered, eyes glued to my stomach, "Mark- I- I- I think they're ... kicking."

Mark was wide-eyes. 

"It's kicking?" He asked, sounding completely amazed.

"I think so," I murmured, a smile slowly grew on my face. They were kicking. My baby was kicking and I had been able to feel it. They were kicking. It made me feel delirious, somehow; unconditionally happy as I had never been happy before. It wasn't necessarily better compared to the previous happy moments of my life, but it was different, because there was a life inside of me, and at that moment I could feel them moving under my fingers.

"Can I?" Mark asked, slowly raising his hand. 

"O-oh, yeah, right," I said quickly. I grabbed his hand and led him to the point where I had felt the kicks. "You feel them?" I asked, after a few seconds.

He shook his head slowly, "No, no," he stopped and his mouth turned into a 'oh'. "Oh ... I-I feel it now," he said in a soft tone.

I smiled at his expression, he was fascinated and then he shifted his gaze to my hand resting over his, our fingers intertwined. I realized that our position was rather intimate, if someone walked in now they'd get the wrong idea. Mark wasn't gay, at least as far as I knew, and if someone - like his mother - had entered, Mark would have to answer a lot of questions. Not to mention the fact that his hand was rested on my belly and that wasn't something that you'd normally do, even in a relationship. 

And then there was the strange sensation of having his hand in contact with mine. This wicked, weird feeling shouldn't have been there. It wasn't welcome. If it had been any other guy, then it would be fine, but that was Mark. Mark, who was popular, heterosexual and who had a girlfriend. 

With all this in mind, I took my hand off of his and a hollow feeling filled my body. Mark seemed to take no notice, leaving his hand resting in the same spot, with a shocked expression on his face.

"Mark?" I said hesitantly when after two minutes, he hadn't moved.

He shifted his gaze to me. "What's up?"

"It's just that yer hand is still on my belly," I stammered.

"Yes, it is," he said, shrugging his shoulders as if to say 'so what?'.

"Can you move it?" I asked cautiously.

"Oh, yeah, right, sorry," he said and drew his hand away.

An awkward silence fell and it took a while before one of us said something. 

"Is that the first time you felt a kick?" Mark finally asked.

I nodded.

"So we got to be together for the first kick."

There was a strange tone in his voice that I couldn't place well and when I looked into his eyes, they had a sort of ... spark. A spark of happiness, a physical manifestation of the happiness that I'd tried to explain to myself moments before. 

Wait, what?

"I guess so," I said, trying to sound indifferent, though I failed miserably.

"Isn't that great?" He threw his hands in the air.

I shrugged. "Sure, if you say so," Being on the defensive made me look like a complete asshole apparently.

He frowned. "It's not?"

"It doesn't matter, Mark, it was just a kick," I muttered.

"Just a kick?" he said incredulously, "It isn't just a kick, it's our baby's kick."

"Don't say it like that," 

"Like what?"

"Like we're a couple and as if this situation is normal."

"So what if we aren't a couple and if this situation isn't normal, the facts are that this baby is yours and it's mine and it kicked: it's simple."

I had to take a few deep breaths to calm myself enough to not scream at him. "It doesn't matter, Mark, because this thing would not even have existed if we hadn't got drunk and fucked at a party." 

He grimaced. "I know it was wrong, but I don't see what that has to do with this."

I shook my head and got up from the bed.

"Look, I have to go home, I have somethin' to do. I'll walk to a bus stop or call a cab or somethin'."

"No, you won't. It's too far to walk, especially with this cold and with the fact that you're pregnant, I wouldn't risk it," he said, "Sit down and tell me why you're suddenly freaking out."

"I'm not freaking out!" I said aloud, flailing my arms, "It's just- I- if it weren't for the fact that I was feeling fucking horny as all balls that night then this baby wouldn't exist and I wouldn't fuckin' be here!"

"Okay, so?"

I stared at him in disbelief, more and more irritated. "So if any of this shit didn't happen then you wouldn't even know my name! We've been in the same school for years and you've never noticed me, Mark! Never once have you looked at me or just acknowledged my existence and now I'm in your bedroom and you're asking me a lot of personal questions, and it's not fair! "

He looked at me with an unreadable expression. "So this has nothing to do with the baby, but you and me?"

I took a deep breath, wanting to be able to calm myself down. Screaming wouldn't get me anywhere. 

"No," I said after a brief second of silence, "And I don't wanna force ya ta be nice to the poor fucker ya got pregnant, I have some respect fer myself, Mark."

"You think I'm nice to you out of pity?" He asked with raised eyebrows.

"What other reason could there be? I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm kind of a nobody, no one has any idea who I am or what my name is and, until a couple of months ago, that applied to you too!"

"No, this-"

"Oh, I get it," I snapped, anger was growing me once again to an alarming speed, "You don't even remember we fucked and ya think ya fuckin' know me!"

"I-"

"I mean I know I'm not anyone," I interrupted harshly, "All right, you used me, you don't have to tell me a pack of lies to make me feel better. That's fine."

"You're really annoying," he said bluntly.

I felt my heart sink at his words, but what did I expect? I had virtually told him to hate me. I shrugged, trying not to show any emotion. "It's probably one of the reasons why I don't get noticed," I said before heading for the door, which I opened wide, and began searching for the path to the front door.

The house looked even bigger than before and I soon realized I was going in the wrong direction. I entered a medium-sized room, where the walls were painted dark gray. There were many shelves around the room all filled with different types of cameras in many different formats and many other items that I wasn't able to identify. But what most caught my attention, were all pictures of different sizes that covered virtually every centimeter of the walls without leaving any empty space.

They were all the beautiful photos and I recognized some of them, the same ones I had seen before in Mark's room. Most of these depicting different landscapes: forests, mountains, lakes. But there were also a lot of portraits of people who didn't seem to know they were being photographed, and others were simply the first of interesting artistic objects plans.

I had forgotten that I had to find a way to leave the house while I admired all the pictures and, once again, I wondered who the photographer was. There was one photo in particular that caught my attention. It was fairly large, at least half a meter long, and portrayed in black and white what appeared to be an old wooden bench. 

there was a crater in the wood - probably because the thing was so old- and the crater was filled with water. The picture was a little fuzzy around the edges and the colors - or more precisely the different shades of gray - were quite dark. There was another black and white next to that and portrayed the hands of someone who appeared to be quite old, at least judging by the wrinkled skin. For some reason I found those photos intriguing and I couldn't help but to stay there to admire them.

Suddenly I heard footsteps behind me and I turned around meeting Mark's gaze. As he watched me his expression was completely empty.

"I thought you went home," he said quietly.

"S-so, I was doing it, but I got lost," I stammered.

"So you're snooping around my house?"

The blood immediately rushed to my face and I shook my head firmly. "No, I- I'm- I, well, I Just came across these photos and they're gorgeous, so I was just-"

A smile appeared on her face. "Relax, it's all right," he said, before letting his eyes wander around the room, "you like the pictures?"

I nodded, happy that he wasn't angry with me. "Yeah, they're beautiful, who took them?"

"Me," he said proudly.

"Really?" I asked, though I shouldn't have be so surprised since I had seen the pictures in his room. 

"Yes."

"They're gorgeous, you're a photographer then?"

"It's just a hobby, but I guess I am, I really like it, it's a great way to express myself, y'know?"

"Not really, no," I admitted with a small smile, "I actually don't have many hobbies, but ... well, you're really good with what ya do."

"Thank you."

"Where did you take all these?" I asked, making a sign to the photos of landscapes.

"Which ones?"

"All of them, lets start with this one," I said.

He smiled again before he got closer to the photoI was referring to "This," he said and pointed to one that represented a spectacular sunset, "It was taken in this small mountain town in northern France this summer. It's nice up there, we all went: me, mom, dad and the rest of the family, it was amazing."

"I can imagine," I said as I approached him, "What about this?" I added, pointing to another sunset. 

"On the sea in Germany, two summers ago. I don't remember what part of Germany, but it was just me and my dad. It was pretty damn great there too."

"Right, man, are you sure yer not some fuckin' God or somethin' cause yer good at pretty much everything."

"Thanks for the compliment," Mark said with a chuckle.

"It's a beautiful picture," I shrugged, "What about all these people? Are they people you know?"

"Suddenly you're very nosy," he said, raising his eyebrows at me.

"Oh, sorry, sorry, they're nice pictures."

"I was just kidding, calm down," he said with an amused smile, "And yeah, they're people I know. Do you think I go around taking pictures of strangers?"

"No, but they could've been, I don't know, models or something."

He snorted. "Photography is a hobby for me, not something I do professionally."

"How would I know? I don't know anything about what you do."

"Okay, okay. But they are all friends and family. Look, there's one of Cry and Felix here," he said and moved a couple of steps to the left and then pointed to a photo that portrayed Cry and Felix sitting on the sand, Cry's arm over Felix's shoulder whilst Felix looked at him with this beaming smile, his eyes lit up, Cry's Mask was pushed up just enough to see he was smiling too. They fit so well together that I had to remind myself that I was pretty much the only person, other than Cry's sister, to know they were more than friends. 

"It's a sweet picture," I said. "They look happy, they must be close."

"Hm, yeah, sometimes I wonder," he said thoughtfully.

"What?"

He shrugged. "If they're more than friends."

Oh. So he had suspicions, but he didn't know for sure. 

"Maybe, who knows?" I said vaguely. "So is it an organised photo?" I added, wanting to distract him. 

"No, it was taken this summer in Hawaii, when we were at the beach and it just kinda happened and I felt it was something I had to take a photo of, y'know? It was a moment to be photographed because they seemed happy and, well, if I didn't know they were just friends I'd say they were in love."

I smiled a little. 

"What would be your reaction if they were?" I said, averting my eyes from the pictures to watch him instead.

"I'm happy as long as they're happy," he said with a shrug, "we've been friends for so long, all four of us: me, Cry, Felix and Ken. So if any of them wanted to be together, then I would be happy for them, who am I to judge?"

"What d'ya mean?"

He let out an awkward laugh. 

"I did this," he said, and motioned toward my belly.

"Oh, right," for a few minutes I had forgotten the baby.

"Hey." One question suddenly came to mind but I didn't receive a response. "Mark?" I said timidly.

"Hm?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Promise not to be angry, okay?"

"I promise."

I shuffled in my spot, wondering if this was a good idea. 

"Are you gay?"

Straight to the point.

For a few seconds he did nothing but I kept looking and I began to fear that he was angry with me even though he had promised not to be.

"Why do you ask me that?" he said finally.

"F- fer obvious reasons, I suppose," I said quietly.

He ran a hand through his hair, slowly, and let out a sigh. "Okay, see, I'm-"

There was a loud blast of music coming from Mark's pocket, cutting him off, and I groaned. How fucking hard is it to get an answer around here?

"Sorry, wait a second," he said apologetically before pulling out his iPhone from his pants pocket. He looked at the screen for a brief moment, a smile on his face, before lifting the phone up to your ear. "Hey, babe," he said.

I sighed. It was Lauren. Lauren who had interrupted us in the middle of a conversation twice already. I could hear her voice on the other side of the line but I couldn't make out the words. 

"No, I'm in my room," Mark said, and I frowned.

Was he lying to her?

"Yeah, I'm alone," he continued, and my curiosity grew even more. 

"Sure, I'll meet you there in half an hour?" He took a breath. "Okay, see you then, bye," He hung up and put the phone in his pocket before he turned to me with a smile, like he hadn't just lied in front of me. 

"Why did you lie?" I asked hesitantly.

"What do you mean?"

"You told her you were alone, and I- I'm here, so you're not really alone, right?"

"Jack, I couldn't tell her that," he said, scratching his head, obviously uncomfortable.

Of course not. If people knew that he was with me then he could kiss 'goodbye' to his reputation. Even if it made sense, it didn't dispel the anger boiling in the bottom of my stomach, reaching its way up to my throat. 

"Okay, okay," I said, trying to hide the bitterness in my voice the best that I could, "I'll go home, go see your girlfriend."

"It's not-"

"I don't care, do whatever the fuck ya want" I snapped. 

Without waiting for an answer, I turned and ran out of the room, ignoring Mark's pleas for me to come back and calm down. After walking the wrong direction twice, I finally found the hallway leading to the door and somewhere down the hall and I hastened to disappear out the door before Mark could reach me to try to explain.

In any case there was nothing to explain, he didn't want anyone to know he was with me. Even if I knew why, I couldn't deny feeling a little hurt; I was an absolute loser and when people did go anywhere with me they lied about it. Yeah, it hurts. 

It was irrational, perhaps, or an overreaction, but I felt like I had been rejected for not being good enough, something that had always been one of my weaknesses. All my emotions were intensified because of pregnancy, and all I felt at that moment was a blinding sense of rejection, Invalidity and loneliness. And for this reason, the tears began to fall and choked small squeals pushed their way past my lips and I had to bite my lip in a desperate attempt to stop it. 

I walked to the end of the road when I noticed a brick wall. The tears fell from my eyes and clouded my vision so to avoid tripping over something, I perched myself on the wall and placed my elbows on my knees.

If on the night of the party I was at home rather than a stupid party then my life would be a hundred times easier now and I wouldn't have to deal with the fat and the back pain. 

Mark, I had discovered, was a good guy, a good guy who made me smile and made my heart rate accelerate and my stomach do flips and he was too embarrassed to even tell someone he was with me. 

Mark, who, despite being a good guy, made me feel much more pathetic and futile than I already did.

I stood there, crying silently, for what seemed like ages and shortly after my back began to feel sore and my ass was cold, so I stood up. I checked my watch. Two forty two. Great. By the time I got home it would have been dark and even colder than it already was. I contemplated finding a bus stop when I heard someone shouting, my head snapped around.

"Do you want to freeze to death, or what?" Mark said as he walked with quick steps, his hands deep in the pockets of his jacket, the same hat that covered his locks. When he got close enough to be able to see my face, he frowned. "Are you crying?" 

Wow. Observant.

"I'm pregnant, I cry all the time." I muttered.

"But there's usually a reason for it, right?"

"Not necessarily."

He frowned. "But this time it is because of something." It wasn't a question, but I answered anyway.

"Whatever. A guy's allowed ta cry if he wants."

He sighed and looked at me with what appeared to be pity. "What I said to Lauren, it wasn't because -"

"I don't need to hear this, Mark," I interrupted wearily, "I just want to go home, okay?"

"Okay, but at least let me take you home," he said after a moment's hesitation, "My mom just got home, so now I can use the car."

"No, Ma- "

"Jack, please. If you froze to death on the way home them I'd never forgive myself."

"Aren't you going to see Lauren?"

"Yeah but, first, I'll take you home."

I shook my head. "No, go see her, I'm fine."

"Oh my God, you are the most stubborn guy I've ever met," he groaned, "I want to take you home, let me, please?"

"No thanks," I said, still feeling bitter. "I prefer to be with people who aren't ashamed of me, if that's too much to ask."

"Ashamed of you? That's what you think?"

"What else should I think when you tell lies about whether you're with me or not to people when I'm right fuckin' there Mark?" I asked, waving my arms in exasperation.

"It's not because I'm ashamed of you, Christ, it's-"

"Don't worry," I interrupted calmly, "I know I'm not first choice for anyone, I know that, but to hear someone say it while yer right there, it's somethin' else entirely."

"I am not ashamed of you, damn it!" he said aloud the second after I finished speaking.

"Then why did you tell her you were alone?"

"It's just that you've become a sore subject, okay?"

I raised my eyebrows, confused. "A sore subject? Why?"

"She thinks there's something between us."

There isn't, I had to remind myself when my stomach began to do somersaults. 

"Oh, okay," was all I said.

"That's why I said I was alone, she'd get jealous and there was no need to start a fight" he said, a hesitant smile.

There's no need. 

"Right," I said, nodding as though I agree.

"Okay, now that we have sorted this out, let me give you a ride home?"

I sighed, but I nodded. "I suppose."

"Let's go then."

Twenty minutes later, I was getting out the car at my driveway. Mark turned off the engine. 

"Bye," he said.

"Bye," I repeated.

"Are you OK?"

"Sure, why?"

"You know, because you're pregnant and you seemed to be upset earlier," he said with a shrug.

"Oh. No, I'm fine," I replied, trying to ignore the uneasy feeling that he was there with me just because of the baby.

"Well, yeah, that's good."

There was an awkward silence in which I fumbled nervously with my fingers, not quite sure what to do or what not to do. Mark finally coughed and broke the silence.

"Look, maybe I should go, Lauren's probably wondering where I am," he said.

"O - oh, yeah, sorry, I'll go now," I said quickly before taking off my seatbelt. My hand reached the door handle and Mark stopped me, talking once more. 

"The next appointment was the 27th?" 

I nodded. 

"See you then." 

Not in school, not out of school, but at the doctor's office in three weeks. That's where he wanted to see me next time, not before.

"Okay," I whispered, trying to hide my disappointment, unsuccessfully.

"Okay."

"Yeah, bye," I said before closing the door and walk towards the house.

It was completely silent when I entered the house so I yelled "Ma? Juliet?" no answer. And I realized that no one was at home. I took a glass of apple juice before going to my room, as usual, and sat on the bed with a sigh.

A few hours ago, my only thought had been the baby but now I had my thoughts plagued by Mark. Perhaps simply because, no matter the reason that had prompted him to do so, he was the first person who had ever really shown any interest in me, besides my family and Dodger, if you count them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was up a little later than expected - mainly due to the fact my assignment finally got finished at 1am!
> 
> Have a good day/night!


	9. You like him, right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dodger has suspicions and Jack and Mark go shopping - and it's definitely not because of Mark's friends.

Tuesday, December 11  
Seventeen weeks and one day

"Sorry, so you actually hung out with someone?"

"Yeah, don't make me repeat it again, alright?"

Dodger looked at me with wide eyes and a smile on her face. We were in her room, on her bed, my head was resting on her lap and a blanket covered me from the chest down. I told her I was cold, but of course it was an excuse to hide my stomach.

"Okay, I won't," she said, "but this means that you have someone to hang out with that isn't me!"

"Thanks for trying to increase my self-esteem," I muttered.

"I tried a million times and it doesn't work, so I give up," she said, rolling her eyes, "So is he a friend?"

I shrugged half-heartedly, not quite sure what to say. No, he's not really my friend, he's the father of the baby I'm carrying but I couldn't tell her that. 

I opted for an "I dunno."

"But you hung out with him."

I nodded.

"How many times?"

This conversation was becoming more and more embarrassing by the minute. How Could I answer all these questions? Mark and I were out together only twice, but there were also visits to the doctor, but I couldn't talk to Dodger about that, no! It was a mistake to even mention Mark and I hadn't realised that until it was too late. 

"I dunno, maybe three times," I said after a moment's hesitation.

"Three times?" She said incredulously, "When were you going to tell me?"

"Sorry, sorry, it's just that I forgot I guess," I said, attempting a smile of apology.

"You hung out with someone three times and forgot about it?" Dodger snorted, "Of course. Now tell me, why didn't you tell me this before."

"That's the reason, I swear to ya!"

"No-wait a sec ..." said she narrowed her eyes but a grin stayed on her face, "Sean McLoughlin, is there something going on between you and this guy?"

My cheeks became red immediately but I shook my head, trying to change the subject as soon as possible.

"No, absolutely not," I told her. "He has a girlfriend for starters and I don't even know if we're friends." 

Dodger smiled and began playing with my hair. 

"You like him, right?" She said.

I felt myself becoming even more red and shook my head, this time more forcefully. 

"No," I said, but I sounded so unconvincing that I felt like slamming my head against a wall. 

"Aw, you have a crush on him, you're so cute," Dodger cheered as she pushed my hair down onto my forehead and leaned forwards, placing a kiss on my nose. 

"Dodger," I groaned, "I don't have a crush on him!"

She shook her head and sighed. "You know I don't believe you, but that's okay, I'll stop bothering you."

"Thanks, I appreciate it," I said, "but I don't believe ya, I know as well as you that when somethin' is on yer mind ya don't let it go."

Her mouth opened and gave me a slap on the head. 

"You're horrible, I can't believe that I sometimes sleep in the same bed as you."

"Yeah, me neither," I said, laughing.

"You can't believe you slept with me or you can't believe you slept in the same bed as me?"

"Both," I said with a shrug, "Sorry but you aren't exactly my type."

"Ah, now who's lowering self-esteem?"

I looked up to the sky. "You're a girl and I'm gay, nothing personal."

"I know," she said with a smile, "But would you ever consider doing it again?"

"What? Having sex with you?"

"Yes."

I laughed and a confused frown appeared on her face.

"I take that as a no," she said staring at me.

"Yeah, I don't think I could get it up with ya," I said, and now she was the one who was laughing.

"An eighteen year old with erectile dysfunction, how sad." She said between laughter. 

"I don't have erectile dysfunction!" I exclaimed in offense, "I am perfectly able to get it up, thanks very much"

Her face twitched. 

"Okay," she giggled. "Let's end this discussion." 

"Good idea."

"Yeah. So, any news? I heard that your mom is engaged, what do you think?"

I let out a loud (and perhaps exaggerated) groan.

Ian had stopped by for dinner almost every day since I'd met about a month before, and spent the night at our house more often than not. Although there was nothing wrong with him him, he was a nice enough guy, but he was so...bland. Boring, like any old guy in the world and he was kinda...old fashioned to say it nicely, he talked like he belonged in 1955 and the way he ogled over my Ma made me sick. 

Not to mention that it'd been hard enough to explain my mood swings to my Ma and my siblings but now if have to explain it to him to! 

"Yeah, she decided she wanted to get back out there an' in exchange we got fuckin' Ian," and I couldn't help the annoyed tone. 

"And you hate him?" She asked with a smile.

I shrugged. "I don't hate him, but I don't like him."

"Why not?"

"I don't know, I just don't like him."

"Some people are just difficult to like, you know?"

"Yeah."

"Nothing else then? Besides your mom who is engaged and your potential new bestie."

I rolled my eyes at her but she only giggled in response. 

"No," I said, a hand rested absently on the side of my belly, "Nothin' that could be considered news anyway."

*

I was getting fatter by the day, my dreams were starting to be really strange, and I discovered that it was completely normal. Ian continued to come to dinner and I didn't see Mark at all, not even at school. 

After the day at his house I was hoping to get a message or a call, just to say hello, but after a week completely without Mark, I started to feel stupid for hoping he would.

So basically I was back to my usual boring life, hiding the fact that I was pregnant was becoming increasingly difficult as my belly began to get bigger and become more visible. I had to wear two or three layers of clothes, plus a coat, and looked incredibly fat. Still, it was better than looking pregnant. 

Monday December 17  
eighteen weeks

I was sitting at the canteen table, trying to eat my lunch and I mean I had to try because at it looked absolutely repulsing, even though it looked fine to just about everyone else. 

My lunch was being spent calm and quiet, as usual, until I looked up and I had found someone standing in front of my table. A girl with red hair and pale skin and bright blue eyes who was looking at me like I'd just insulted her. 

"Stay away from him," Lauren whispered, resting his hands on the table, bending over and looking straight into my eyes.  
I blinked, ashamed to admit to myself that I felt quite intimidated by her.

"Who?" I asked nervously, without looking into her eyes.

"From my boyfriend," she said, emphasizing the 'my'.

"Mark?"

"How many boyfriends do you think I have?"

My cheeks turned red and I bit my lip. "I haven't spoke to him in a while now," I muttered.

"Make sure it stays that way then," she whispered, "Whatever's going on in your head needs to stop, okay? He's the guy that everyone loves, nobody even knows you, see the problem?" She said it in a sickly sweet tone, my eyes still couldn't meet hers. "He's not gay, so you can get rid of that little fantasy where you both live happily ever after because he's mine."

These were the last words she said before standing up, she threw me a dirty look and then walked away. I stared at her until she walked right up to Mark's table where I could see Felix sitting at his side.

She approached Mark and he turned his head to the side to look at her, he gave her a smile before kissing her languidly. I looked down because, since I'm not a masochist, I didn't want to inflict unnecessary pain on myself. 

Okay, '' pain" was an exaggerated word, but seeing Mark smile and kiss the girl who seconds earlier had threatened me, kind of hurt. 

I looked back at my salad then stood up, deciding that sitting here wasn't helping my nausea. I tossed the food in the trash, swing my backpack over my shoulder and headed for the bathroom to calm down. 

There was only one other person in the bathroom. Cry was standing before the mirror trying to tame his hair. His head turned up and his gaze landed on me when he heard the door open. 

"Hey," he said, when I stood in front of the sink next to him and turned the tap.

"Hey," I answered, without looking at him. I checked the temperature of the water and sighed when the cold in contact with my skin. Having to wear many layers of clothing had made me way too hot after running up and down the stairs all day to get to the different classes. I threw some water on my face and rubbed my eyes. 

"You okay?"

I pointed my gaze to Cry and tried to smile. 

"Yeah, just, you know ..." I paused, looking around to check that no one was in the room.

"There's nobody here," said Cry, as if he had read my thoughts.

"Sorry, I had to be sure," I said, "but yeah, I'm fine, aside from pregnancy and other things, no big deal, right?"

He snorted. "Sure. How's it going?" 

"Good, I suppose."

"You want to talk about?" He asked, raising his eyebrows.

I felt uncomfortable. "Not much to say really, I'm tired and I'm fat. Done."

"Now that you mention it, you are bigger,," he murmured.

"I know," I mumbled.

"What about Mark?"

I frowned involuntarily. "What can I say about him?"

"He told me about the appointment and about how you went to his place after."

"Oh, that. We were talking and I kinda walked the wrong way and he wouldn't let me walk, so he made me stay at his house until his Ma came home so that he could drive me home. "

"That's all?"

"I think so."

"You left out the part about the kick."

Oh. 

"It's only a kick," I said casually.

"You're a bad actor, you know?" He said with a smirk.

"What?"

"You're trying to act indifferent to a situation your far from indifferent about."

"It none of yer business." I snapped.

He raised his hands in his defense. "I was just asking."

I sighed wearily and took my hands through my hair. "Sorry, it's just too much."

"I can see that, so you need someone to talk to?"

Yes, but the person I wanted to talk about this stuff was busy with his girlfriend. 

"No, thanks. I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

I nodded and smiled. "Yes. I have to go though. There are some things I have to do ... other things."

"Sure. We'll see you around then."

He waved me off as I left the bathroom. 

*

When I got home that day, I went to my room to put on something more comfortable than the thousand layers I had been wearing all day. The only problem was that none of my clothes could hide my belly. I wore a shirt to see if I could actually wear it, but the only thing that I concluded was that I definitely needed new clothes. 

I knew I had about $150 in my wallet - thanks to my Irish relatives sending money as Christmas gifts early- and even though I had wanted to save that money, spending it on new clothes was definitely better, otherwise the whole of my family would have a different and unexpected Christmas gift.

With this scary thought in mind, I had changed, grabbed my wallet on the dresser and then I went downstairs to tell my Ma that I was going out. I found her, Juliet and Ian in the kitchen, sitting at the table eating something that looked like pie.

"Oh, there you are!" Ma cried when she saw me at the door. "Sit down and feel a piece of apple pie that Ian brought from California, it's delicious!"

"Oh, you were in California?" I asked, trying to seem interested.

"Unfortunately, but I managed to find time to get this pie," he said with a smile, "you listen to your it's really delicious."

"Yes, I'm sure, thanks," I said, embarrassed, "But I have'ta go get some new clothes."

"It's about time, you're getting bigger every day," Juliet snorted with her mouth full.

"Julie!" Ma scolded him and hit her on the arm.

"It's okay, I know I'm getting fat," I said with a shrug that I hoped seemed quite indifferent.

"Oh, no, Jack, who put that in your head?" Ma said, looking worried, "You're not fat, you're perfectly normal!"

"Ma I've gained 18 pounds, you can say that I'm fat."

I had started to weigh myself twice a week, and when I stepped on the scales I found that I'd gained an extra 5 pounds since I'd seen Dr Hayes. 

"Why are you so quiet?" Juliet asked. "You've always got uptight about yer weight."

"I dunno, I've got other things ta worry about."

"But why-"

"Okay, I'm leaving before anyone has some other fascinating observation about my body," I interrupted Juliet giving her a dirty look.

"Yeah, alright dear," Ma told me before Juliet had had a chance to hit back at me.  
"See you tonight."

*

The walk to the mall was fairly short, fortunately, and fifteen minutes after saying goodbye to my family (and Ian), I found myself standing in one of the many clothing stores while I scanned through the clothes. I always liked shopping, really, but I changed my mind when I had to analyze every single piece of clothing I saw, trying to imagine how I was going to not show any fat. I tried shirt after shirt, sweater after sweater, hoodies, but none of it was fine for my 'new' body.

It would have been so much easier if I was a girl, I would be able to go and find clothes meant for pregnant women and then I'd have a million choices. 

The motherhood section was all female clothes, understandably, covered with lace and small designs, but in spite of my present condition, I still had some masculine pride. So I continued to look, I continued to try clothes in the dressing room and I continued to feel the need to bang my head against the nearest wall every three minutes. No matter how big the shirt was- it didn't matter that it was a XXL - it wasn't big enough for my liking, you could still see my stomach my stomach and no, it didn't make me look fat, just made me look pregnant. 

After more than an hour I was about to start screaming so I decided to go home, maybe I could find some clothes on the Internet. But just when I was going to put one of the shirts I'd been carrying in its place, I heard a familiar voice. 

"It isn't for women, asshole!" It was Cry.

"How do you know?" That must have been Ken.

"It's a size M and it's huge." That was Felix. 

"I agree with Ken, it's for women." And that was Mark.

All four of them were here and judging by their voices, they were behind the shelf I was standing at. For some reason, the thought made me panic. I wanted to get out of there. Fast. Before any of them had seen me. 

That, in that case, would cause a lot of embarrassment of they so happened to see me but then I wouldn't have to face them or-

"Jack?"

I turned them quickly with a smile on my face, hoping it didn't look fake, and found all four of them standing there. Ken had an eyebrow raised, Felix was smiling like a damn idiot, Cry was waving excitedly and Mark just looked...odd. 

"Hey," I said. 

"Hello," Mark said, still surprised looking at me, "we were looking for a shirt for Ken." He gestured towards Ken who was 1: covered in dirt and 2: had a giant tear right down the front of his shirt. "He fell down a hole."

"Oh, okay."

There was an awkward silence for a few seconds but it was soon broken by Cry. 

"So, assuming that you're not here to get Ken a shirt, what are you doing here?"

"Oh, just- you know," I said, rubbing my feet against the floor. I felt incredibly uncomfortable under their gazes, and the fact that all four knew the situation I was in did not help.

"Not really, no," Felix said with a wry smile.

"No, I know," I said with a nervous laugh, "No, I'm just ... getting too big for my clothes, so I- I thought about buying some new ones before things become too obvious."

All four eyes fell on my stomach and I felt like I would gladly appreciate a trap door opening up right beneath me. 

"You are bigger," said Felix with another wry smile after he looked away from my stomach.

"Yes, I know," I sighed.

"I don't think you've found a lot," Mark said, motioning toward my empty hands.

"No, I- well, to be honest I couldn't really find anythin' so I was just gonna go home," I said and tried to smile.

"It cant be that difficult to find clothes," said Ken.

"I-it is when you are eighteen weeks pregnant and you're trying to find clothes that are able to hide it." I said softly after I looked around to make sure there was no one who could hear what I was saying. "There isn't exactly many options for men."

"Oh."

There was another awkward silence and I was about to tell them I had to go and leave as soon as possible when Ken opened up his mouth again. 

"Go help him," he said, turning to Mark.  
Mark looked to him, with confusion on his face. "Help him? With what?"

"With finding clothes, of course, what else would you help him with?"

"I don't know how to find clothes for pregnant people."

"I don't know either."

"It's alright, don't-" I started, but I was stopped by Cry who held up a hand.

"For once, Ken's right," he said, "you put him in this situation so you should help him."

Mark sighed and turned to face me. "Do you want a hand?"

This was, without a doubt, one of the most embarrassing situations that I had ever been in during my entire pregnancy; It was so painfully obvious that Mark didn't want to help me, so I shook my head, despite actually wanting to say I need help. 

"No thanks, it's okay," I said. 

Ken sighed. "Yeah, of course, you were convincing. Go help him, Mark."

"No, re- "

"You're a terrible liar, just so you know," Felix interrupted, he smiled though. 

"Yeah, I know."

"So you want me to help you?" Mark said with a weak smile.

"I- well, I- if you don't mind," I muttered, I didn't want to force him to do something he didn't want to do. 

"I don't mind," he said before turning around to his friends, "Call me when you're leaving, alright?" He told them. "And please don't fall in any more ditches."

"Yeah, sure," said Cry and gave him a pat on the back.

"See you later, man," said Felix, while he and Cry were already gravitating away from us. 

"Have fun," she said Ken and he quickly followed after them. 

Once once we lost sight of them, Mark turned back to me and smiled. A spontaneous smile is time. 

"Sorry," he said, "They have this crazy idea that the two of us should go out together more often for the baby, amongst other things. Just ignore them."

"Oh. Yeah, crazy," I said uneasily, focusing my gaze on the floor. His friends had the crazy idea that we should go out together and get along? 

Great. The guy had spent the last two weeks with me even though he didn't want to get along.

"Not that I don't want to be friends," he said quickly, as if he had read my mind, "We've already talked about that last time, don't worry."

"Yeah, thanks," I muttered, but I couldn't help smiling.

"Yay, you're smiling!" He exclaimed, flinging his hands in the air triumphantly, "Good! Okay, so, you need some clothes?"

"Oh, right," I said, shaking my head. For a moment I had forgotten why I was there. "All the clothes that I've tried so far don't hide this and the ones I own suck so, y'know, I need shirts and maybe a pair of jeans if I can find some"

"What kind of shirts? T-shirts, shirts with buttons, sweatshirts, sweaters, or what? "

"Definitely not shirts with buttons," I said with a short laugh, "one or two sweatshirts and a couple of sweaters, I think. T-shirts, now that it's winter, aren't really necessary."

"Yeah, we could come back here in spring," Mark said with a small shrug. "So, sweaters. Let's go look for them, "he added before turning around and immediately beginning to scan all the different shelves.

It took at least twenty minutes to get the right clothes, especially due to my protests; 

"No, not pink," 

"Or purple," 

"Nothing with the word 'juicy' on it, Mark," 

"Not this one, you wanna make me look fat? "

"Nothing transparent, "

"A crop top, Mark are you serious?"

"That one has a collar that only Dracula would be proud of."

And, finally, we were able to go in the dressing room. Mark sat on a chair outside the dressing room while I tried, at least, 15 different shirts of Mark's choice. The first eleven I tried were not very good, but the twelfth - a burgundy sweater - actually looked ... acceptable. Yeah, it looked decent.

"I haven't heard you complaining in a couple of minutes, did you find something you like?" Mark yelled. 

"Yeah, I think so," I said. 

"Do you mind if I look?"

"Oh. Yeah, okay, sure," I said slowly. 

He opened the curtains carefully, as if afraid of what he might see, before realizing that there was no danger and opened it just enough to get into. I stopped looking in the mirror and instead looked at Mark who was looking me over from head to toe. 

"I like it," he said after a moment.

"Yeah?"

"Yes, you don't look pregnant just kinda chubby."

"Thanks?" I said hesitantly, not quite sure whether to take it as a compliment.

He smiled. "Relax. Think of it this way; you're eighteen weeks pregnant, if you didn't look the least bit fat then I'd be worried."

I decided to ignore that comment and I gave one last look at my reflection.

"So you think I should get it?" I asked then he nodded.

"Okay," I said and started to pull up the hem of the sweater. Mark didn't seem to want to leave the dressing room so I coughed a little "Mark? Could ya, y'know, leave an' let me change?"

"Oh, yeah, sorry," he said quickly, before he disappeared behind the curtain and left me alone.

There wasn't much I wanted to try from the rest of the shirts, and when he finally came out of the dressing room, I decided to buy three, the burgundy sweater, a heavy gray sweater and a black sweatshirt.

"You need a pair of jeans too, right?" He asked once we'd tidied up the shirts that I wasn't going to buy. 

I groaned and shook my head. "I really need a pair, but I'm exhausted, so I'll have to come back."

"You're sure?"

"Yes," I said firmly, "The only thing I want to do now is pay these sweaters, go home and lie down for an hour or two."

We approached the checkout and our conversation ended for a few minutes while the cashier was scanning my sweaters. It wasn't until we left the store that Mark spoke again. 

"I could've, you know, payed those sweaters if you wanted," he said, as we were passing a bakery. 

"What?" I said, looking surprised.

"If you wanted me to pay for those sweaters-"

"I'm not lettin' ya buy me clothes," I interrupted.

"I'm responsible for half the costs, you know that, right?"

I shrugged. "It doesn't matter, you don't have'ta pay for my choices."

"We've talked about this," he said with a sigh, "I wouldn't have wanted you to have an abortion, I wanted to keep it, so half the responsibility is mine."

"I never expected you to be so moralistic," I snapped before stopping.

"What do you mean?"

"No, no, forget it, only a few ... prejudices, that's all," I said with a smile.

"Ah, you mean you're popular so you have to be a jerk'," he said in an amused tone.

"Not a jerk," I defended. 

"Okay, okay," she said, still amused, "I am serious, though; if you need anything just ask. "

We had just passed in front of a McDonald's and let out a small smile. 

"Well, since you insist so much, I could always take a Big Mac with fries and a Coke," I said.

He raised his eyebrows and I shrugged. "If you don't mind," I said quickly. 

"You have to stop being so damn unsure of what you say, just so you know. And no, I'm sorry, but I thought that I had to eat healthy stuff; salads and carrots and all that. "

I made a sound of disgust, "You'll be a good dad in the future," I said, "and no, I eat what I want, because I'm the pregnant one and right now, my stomach demands a Big Mac, fries and Coke."

He sighed, "I guess that's what you're getting, a Big Mac and fries," he said as he turned ninety degrees to go to McDonald's.

"And a Coke," I reminded him.

"And a Coke."

Ten minutes later we were sitting at a table, facing each other, with my Big Mac in front of me and Mark-

"A salad? Really? "I asked. 

He shrugged, but seemed satisfied when he looked at the salad in front of him. "No junk food from Monday to Friday," he said, "Coaches rules."

"Right right. I keep forgetting that you play football, "I said after swallowing the mouthful, "How do you play football, like, what're the rules and all that? "

"You're asking me about football?" He asked with raised eyebrows.

"Well, yes," I said, with a little hesitation, "I mean, you ask about the baby all the time and the baby's pretty much my life, like football is kinda yours."

"The baby is a subject that I have to deal with, don't you think?"

"Not unless you want to," I shrugged.

"Well, I want to and that's why I ask about them every time," he said and gave me a quick glance. "So, how are things now?"

I hesitated, not quite sure if I tell him everything or lie. "What answer do you want?" I asked eventually.

"The truth," he seemed preoccupied and smiled ironically.

"The baby is fine, if that's you're wondering," I said.

"And you?" He asked, after a few seconds of silence.

"Do ya still want me to tell ya the truth?"

"Yes."

I sighed and leaned back in my chair before beginning to speak. "I'm damn tired all the time, when I wake up in the morning, when I'm at school, during lunch, when I come home in the afternoon and, well, pretty much all the time. It's always difficult to hide it from my Ma and Juliet, my sister. Just before I came here today I had them ask me about my weight, Juliet wouldn't stop and I think she knows something's wrong, I just hope she doesn't tell my Ma because it would be hell, believe me. They don't m even know I'm and if they were to find out that I'm pregnant? It would be a disaster. I don't even know what to tell them any more because it's gonna get really obvious that this isn't just weight gain." 

When I stopped talking, Mark looked at me with raised eyebrows.

"Sorry," I said, "I did mean ta unload all my problems on you, you have other things to think about."

"As I said, your problems are half mine, so don't worry."

"Of course, but you already have a lot of other problems in life."

"Not really," he said, "I'm living a very quiet life, believe it or not."

"Sure I guess," I said dryly.

"Can I ask one thing? It has nothing to do with you. "

A bit caught off guard, I tightened my lips and nodded. "Yeah sure."

"What do you think of Lauren?"

I had to put all possible effort not to roll my eyes. "Lauren? Your girlfriend? "I managed to say with a neutral tone.

"She's not my girlfriend, at least not yet, but you know who she is."

"I don't know," I said vaguely, "Why do you ask?"

He shrugged and bit his lip uncomfortably, looking at me. "There is a reason. It's just that Cry and Felix have basically been waving a red flag in my face since I told them I wanted to ask her out."

"Oh, I see," I was a bit 'surprised by this sudden information and I couldn't think of anything more intelligent to say. He looked at the table, swallowing when my eyes fell on the food. And suddenly it didn't seem so tasty. He wanted to ask Lauren to be his girlfriend. The girl who had come over to me a threatened me. He wanted to ask her to be his girlfriend. You could say I was puzzled, just a little. 

"Jack, are you okay?"

I looked up at the sound of the voice of Mark's voice and smiled. 

"I'm great," I said, perhaps with too much enthusiasm.

He frowned. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing," I said, waving my hand. 

"There's clearly something wrong."

"No, it's nothing, alright," I insisted.

"Jack, come on, tell me."

"It's nothing, it's alright, I mean it."

"You're talking bullshit," he said, "Tell me."

"It is not- "

"Is it Lauren?"

My gaze fell back on the table and I automatically, and inwardly, cursed myself for my lack of ability to be able to lie. I heard Mark sigh.

"So it is Lauren," he said, "please tell me if you know something before I ask her out."

It wasn't a bad idea to tell him what Lauren had said at lunch that day, but as I couldn't do it while he was looking at me like that. All desperate, pleading, cute and beautiful and ... ok, enough. 

"Probably nothing." I said.

"If there's anything, I'd like to know."

I closed my eyes for a moment, sending a silent prayer to the higher power up there, and then spoke. "Just something that happened today at lunch," I said, "she came over to me and told me ta stay away from ya because ya were hers, that's it"

"She ... told you to stay away from me?"

"Yes."

"Oh," he said as he chewed a piece of tomato, "I'm sorry."

"No, everything's fine."

"You're sure?"

"I'm sure."

"So you think I should still ask her to be my girlfriend?"

"Sure, if that's what you want," I said, ignoring the little voice at the back of my head protesting like there's no tomorrow.

"I think I'll do it then," he said with a small smile of satisfaction, "I miss having a girlfriend."

"Understandable, I suppose, I wouldn't know."

"You've never had a girlfriend?" I raised my eyebrows and he smiled apologetically, "Excuse me, you've never had a boyfriend?"

"Neither, only had sex with both, one of which got me pregnant," I said shaking my head, wondering why I was sharing these embarrassing details of my personal life with a stranger. Okay, maybe not a stranger, but almost.

He smiled wryly. "Sorry about that. I probably would have thought to use a condom if I was was at least a little aware of what I was doing. "

"First of all, if you were in yer right mind then you wouldn't have slept with me an' I was conscious, didn't think I'd get pregnant though so a condom wasn't really top of my priority list."

"There's still diseases, you know."

"Hey, even though I was conscious, I was still drunk."

He smiled faintly, but said nothing. "Hey, by the way," he said after two or three minutes of silence, "You said you've slept with two people, wasn't I the first? Was it after me?"

I shook my head. "No, it's happened before, like a year and a half ago and it was with a girl, so ... I'm pretty sure that the baby isn't hers."

"I thought you were gay."

"We all have needs."

He said nothing more and we ate the rest of our food in silence. When we finished, we rose from our seats, we threw away the garbage and walked outside. 

"I should all their others," Mark said as soon as we were away from the smell of burgers and frying oil.

"I should go home," I said quickly to avoid more embarrassing encounters with Felix, Cry and Ken. Felix and Cry had caught me in enough bad situations already, it was almost like they could sense it and I wasn't ready for facing them again, at least not now. 

"Yeah, all right. But ... see you at the doctors next Tuesday, right? "

I nodded. "Yes."

"We'll know the sex of the baby then," he said, smiling broadly.

"I know," I said, trying not to smile. "I'm trying not to be too excited."

"Good. Well, I have to go so ... Bye. "

"Bye."

And so I stood there, watching his back as he was walking away, leaving me with a bag full of clothes in hand and I realised; Mark Fischbach would be the death of me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo...how do y'all feel about Lauren...
> 
> At least she's finally coming into play, right?!
> 
> And at least Mark and Jack are still getting along! 
> 
> So...next chapter is the big reveal! So, wether they're having s bouncing baby boy or a beautiful baby girl will be known to all soon enough! 
> 
> Until then...
> 
> Have a good day/night wherever you are!


	10. No, stay a little longer.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The baby's gender is revealed, Mark and Jack argue (again)

The next week passed quietly, I slept most of it and my Ma was very insistent on me getting exercise and Juliet wouldn't stop asking about my stomach but other than that, all was good. 

My brothers and sister came home for Christmas; Hadley, James and David, and they finally met Ian. They felt the same way I did. They'd put me and Julie on watch, claiming we had to report anything he'd done wrong. I was happy to have them home, I really missed having them around and I found myself getting sad at the thought of them leaving after New Year, then again, I was also relieved because then it meant less people to sneak around. 

I saw Lauren and Mark once while I was taking a walk, but luckily, Mark didn't see me. Lauren did though and when she did, she threw me a contentious look. 

I couldn't admit it, but to be totally honest, I had a crush on a straight guy who was obviously in love with someone else. A girl, by the way, who could give him so many things that I could never give him. 

All in all, those few days were pretty boring. 

Tuesday, December 27th  
Nineteen weeks and one day

"It's good to see you both" said Dr. Hayes once Mark and I entered into her office and closed the door.

Mark had arrived just in time that day, exactly when Dr. Hayes had opened the door of her office to call me in, Mark had popped in the front door with snow sitting on his red hair and his cheeks almost matching his hair because of the cold. He looked good, though. Of course he did.

"Do you have any questions or can we start?" Dr Hayes asked as she took our coats and had hung them on a coat rack by the door.

"I think we can start now," I said, I looked to Mark to ask if he wanted to ask anything. 

To my surprise, yes. "I was wondering," he began, a little hesitantly, "with adoption and the rest, how does it work?"

He looked down. I didn't even think about that part of this whole situation. This baby was going to be here for another few months and the thought that they'd be snatched away soon after they were born was almost depressing. 

"Mark, can we please talk about this later?" I said, almost pleading, before Dr. Hayes had time to respond.

"Oh, yeah sure, sorry," he said giving an apologetic glance.

The room was silent for a few seconds before Dr. Hayes spoke again. "Okay, if you don't have any questions, you can step on the scale, Sean," she said.

I said nothing, but I did exactly what she had told me to do and then sighed when the hand of the scale had gone up again. 

"How much will I weigh at the end?" I asked when I was sitting in the chair next to Mark.

The doctor sat down in turn, and she spoke while he scribbled something on a piece of paper in front of her. "It differs from person to person but I'd say about 170 to 180 pounds."

"One hundred and eighty?" I groaned, dropping my jaw.

"Relax," Mark said, and put her hand on my knee, "You're pregnant, remember? Pregnant, not fat. "

"I know, I know," I whispered, trying to ignore the tingling feeling where Mark was touching me.

"Okay, well, we should probably do the ultrasound now," said Dr. Hayes. 

"I think that means I should get up and take off my shirt," I said.

"You don't seem very happy, but it does."  
I sighed, but I got up.

"Yes, come on, strip," Mark cheered, laughing to himself. 

I began to take my shirt off but instead of putting it to the side like usual, I tossed it at Mark. 

"Aggressive." 

"Don't anger the pregnant person." I warned him as I hopped up onto the exam table. 

"So we'll one hundred percent know the sex?" Mark asked as he stood up and approached the nearest chair to the exam table.

"I would not say one hundred percent, but there's a very good chance" the doctor said as she pushed a series of buttons of the machine to turn it 

The gel, which I had become accustomed to, was poured on my stomach but even then, I grimaced when it came into contact with my skin. 

"Are you okay?" Mark asked as soon as the doctor had begun to move the transducer on my belly.

"Yeah, why?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I don't know about you but I'm kinda nervous."

"Are you?" I asked, surprised.

"Believe it or not, yeah. What if we find that it has two heads or three feet? Considering the circumstances, it wouldn't surprise me if there was something wrong with them. I mean, we don't even know how it got there and-"

"You came in my ass, Mark," I said, trying to hold back an amused laugh, "And we can only hope that it's not deformed, ok? It will already be marked for life if it ever finds out where it came from."

"Well," Dr. Hayes said slowly before Mark had been able to answer, and when I turned my head to look at her, I saw a smile on her face. "You should probably stop calling her 'it' and start calling her, 'her'."

I stopped for a few seconds to look at her, completely stunned, but then my brain reconnected to my mouth and I kept looking with eyes wide open. 

"I-It's a girl?" I asked.

She nodded and smiled to me first, then Mark. 

"It's a girl, congratulations."

A girl. A girl. I didn't really know what to do with a girl, little girls were one thing I had no experience with whatsoever, however, I couldn't have cared less about that, all I cared about was that she was there and I knew what she was now. 

I turned my head again and looked at Mark, who was watching me in turn with a smile and eyes that shone with happiness.

"I'm - I mean we - that is -" I stammered, not completely sure of what were the right words.

"We're going to have a girl." Mark said with a smile, he looked like he was about to bounce right through the roof at any second. "A girl." He repeated. "A little baby girl, I can't believe it!"

"Well, like you said, as long as it's healthy it's fine."

"And it's a perfectly healthy baby girl," said Dr. Hayes.

"A perfectly healthy baby girl," I repeated almost in a whisper, "Shit."

"This will be a nice thing to tell her, right? That when you found out she was a girl you said 'shit'."

"A beautiful memory." I replied.

"Sure sure."

Then, I suddenly remembered that neither of us would have been able to tell her that story. We wouldn't be able to tell her anything. As soon as she was born, she would be taken away from me and I'd probably never see her again. 

"I think we've seen enough." I muttered.

"What?" Mark said confused. Then he threw a quick glance at my face and his smile faltered. "Hey, hey, what's wrong?" He asked, sounding genuinely concerned.

I was already emotionally unstable and my words came out of my mouth and I didn't even try to stop them . "It 's just that ... we could never tell her anything. She's gonna be born then I'll never see her again, she's gonna grow up with another family, Mark. Thinking of that fuckin' kills me, it hurts so fuckin' much and I hate myself fer it. "

I hadn't thought about it too much before but seeing her there on the screen and finding out that she was a girl, it made it real. 

I ended the speech with a deep sob and Mark leaned forward to take one of my hands in his. It was much smaller than his, but I didn't think much about it. My attention was focused on the fact that Mark was was holding my hand and that his face was only a few centimetres away from mine. 

"If you don't want to give her away then don't," he said, "it's up to you to decide if you want to give her away or not, and if you decide to keep her, I will be there for you, okay?"

I shook my head weakly. "It isn't that easy," I said, "What about school? What about my Ma and my brothers and my sisters? And your family, your friends and your girlfriend? And the rest of the people in this city? And college? Neither of us is ready to have a daughter, Mark, and we're not even together and that makes it harder. It's all fucked up. "

"There's children growing up with divorced parents, you know," he said softly, "and I didn't say that it will be easy, I was just saying that if you decide to keep her m, I won't abandon you, I promise."

I smiled sadly. "You're a nice guy and I appreciate it, but ..." I turned to him and shook my head. "It'd never work."

"Well, it's always an option, at least on my part. Just know that. "

I swallowed saliva and nodded. "Thank you."

Twenty minutes later we were on our way out of the building, both silent and lost in our thoughts, or at least it seemed that Mark was lost in thought judging from the empty eyes fixed on the ground. 

I for one had actually, madly and quite stupidly started to consider the possibility of keeping the baby. Keeping her, watching her grow, getting to know her, and everything else. It was completely insane and reckless, and would have caused more problems than it would solve, but this baby wasn't an 'it' anymore, it was a 'her'. 

"Are you okay?" Mark asked after pausing on the sidewalk outside the building from which we had just left.

I shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe."

"You're considering keeping her, right?" He asked, a smile adorning his face. 

"I'm trying not to," I said with a groan. "because I know that I can't but...Mark, it's a girl. I have a baby girl inside me right now and she's mine," I continued, pressing on my stomach with caution, "I don't like thinking of her without me."

Mark looked at me without saying anything and I groaned again.

"Sorry, I sound crazy, right?"

"No, you don't sound crazy," he said with a sigh, "I was thinking about it too."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I mean, I don't have her inside me, but she is half mine and I don't like the thought of her without me."

I nodded, knowing that we were walking in dangerous territory with this conversation.

"You still have a few months to decide anyway," he said clearly, then it became clear that I was not going to get him to say any more. 

"Yeah, fortunately," I said.

"Mm."

We stood there in silence for a moment.  
"You have something to do now?" Asked Mark.

"Oh. No, I was thinking I was gonna go home and sleep," I said, happy for the change of topic. "You?"

"Same here."

"Okay."

"Mm." He looked uncertain, as if there was something he wanted to tell me, and I looked at him doubtfully.

"What's up?"

"No, I was just thinking that ... well, you know, you're going home like me, so I was thinking that maybe you'd like to spend time together?"

I smiled at his ill-concealed nervousness and tried to hide the fact that my stomach was doing backflips.

"Yeah, sure," I said, "if ya don't wanna spend time with Lauren, of course."

"If I had to spend some time with her then I wouldn't have asked you," he said, the nervousness replaced by an amused grin that made me blush.

"Right," I grumbled, cursing my stupidity.

"So, my house or your house?" He asked, and I was glad that he didn't dwell too much on my obvious embarrassment.

"Your house is big and my brothers and sisters are all at home, you'd never get 'em outta yer hair."

"So you think we should go to my house?" He asked.

I bit my lip. "If you don't mind," I said hesitantly.

"Not at all," he said with a wave of his hand that indicated to follow him. It soon became clear that we were going in the direction of the small parking lot and twenty seconds later he stopped in front of the same car that he'd taken me home in the last time. 

"This morning I was pretty lazy, so I took the car," he said with an embarrassed smile, misconstruing my eyebrow raise.  
He smiled slightly as we got into the car, he on the driver's side and I on the passenger side.

"What's got you smiling?" He asked as he bent to fasten the seat belt.

"Nothing, just ... I don't know, I find it funny how the most athletic people are lazy when it comes to travelling, Juliet's the same," I said with a shrug.

"There's an obvious explanation" He said, inserting the key in ignition to start the engine.

"There is?"

"Yes, we athletes, as you put it so eloquently, we spend all our energy by training all the time, so obviously we don't wanna waste what little energy we have left walking, okay?"

"So you're telling me that you consume so much energy during training that ya don't have more to do everyday things like walking?"

"Exactly."

"That's a horrible philosophy."

"That's what my mom told me when I told her that I didn't have enough energy to move from the couch last week."

Our little discussion continued for the rest of the drive to Mark's house, he went on when we got out the car and finally stopped once we were in his house.

"I don't think anyone's home," Mark said as he walked to the house, "do you want something to eat or drink?" He added as he led me into a huge kitchen, seriously it was huge, you could fit my family and my extended family in there. 

"No, I'm fine," I told him. 

To my surprise - and mild offense - he snorted and looked at me with raised eyebrows skeptically. 

"Don't you want anything?"

I crossed my arms over my chest. "No, I don't want anything."

"You're a terrible liar, you know," he said, rummaging in the fridge, which was completely packed full of food, safe to say nobody was going hungry in that house. 

"Why do you think that I want something?" I said, trying to sound offended, and acidic, but ended up coming out whiny. 

"You're pregnant and pregnant people always want something," he said simply.

"Maybe I don't, Mark, maybe I'm unique."

"The fact that you're pregnant in the first place makes you unique enough, don't you think?"

I grumbled under my breath and continued to glare but I didn't say anything. 

He shrugged. "Well, I want something to eat, so, I'm gonna make pasta," he said and began to pull things out of the fridge. "Are you sure you don't want something?"

"You don't think I look like a pig, do ya?" I asked, looking at him suspiciously.

"You know, you're incredibly far from being mocked for being fat, Jack," he said, "but no, I don't think you look like a pig, so do you want pasta?"

"Yeah, thanks," I said defeated.

I soon discovered that Mark was a much better cook than I was, not that there was much competition; I could cook, just not well. I could cook the easy stuff but I couldn't mimic the way Mark made this pasta, it was just pasta but-

"Marry me, Mark," I yelled after taking the first bite, then I regretted it and felt like slapping myself. "Sorry, didn't mean that," I added quickly, "This pasta is really good, there's something else you're good at!"

"I'm glad you like it," was all he said.  
I finished my portion in record time, and blushed furiously when I realized that Mark was still in the middle of his plate. So as not to look like a pig more than I already I happened to, I put my fork and I pushed my plate away a little to report that I had finished. Maybe it was a little more obvious than I hoped, as I had eaten my last bite of pasta a couple of minutes ago.

Mark snorted. "You're still hungry, aren't you?" He asked.

I looked at him open-mouthed. "No!"

"You are," he said with a shrug, "Come on, give me your plate," he added and picked it up. 

"I'm not hungry," I said firmly, "I just ate a whole plate of pasta, really nice pasta by the way, however, I'm completely, one hundred percent full."

He laughed. "You seem to have more to eat," he said as he put more food on my plate.

I looked at him, feeling a little embarrassed. 

"How do you read me like that? It's kinda embarrassing," I grumbled.

"Relax, it's just that you were looking at my plate, so I figured you'd want some more '."

"Oh, thank you then."

"No problem."

Fifteen minutes later, we had both finished eating and I was really full. Way too full. But I kept my mouth shut, I didn't want Mark to think I was a whiner on top of being a pig. 

We washed the dishes in a hurry, whilst also managing to pour half bottle of soap on the floor, and then headed to Mark's room and collapsed on his bed. 

"I'm going to fall asleep again, you know," I said.

"Is my bed really that comfy?"

I sighed happy with my position, back resting on a mountain of pillows and legs stretched out.

"You have no idea."

"Mm. Oh good. Hey, can I ask you a question? It might keep you awake. "

"It better be a good question," I said, "but of course, shoot."

"Not to sound like a complete asshole, but how come you're always alone?"

I blinked rapidly. Not quite sure what to say, I opened and closed his mouth a few times, before he left any word.

"I- I think because I don't really, y'know, know anyone," I said hesitantly.

"You have no ...?" He hesitated, refusing to say what he was really thinking.

"Friends? No, no one besides Dodger, and she's not at our school, so, I'm kinda alone."

I tried to sound as indifferent as possible, but again, Mark was able to see through me.

"You don't like it." It was a statement, not a question.

"What do you mean?"

"It makes you sad," he said, "to be so lonely."

"Of course I don't like it," I said with a humorless laugh. "Nobody likes being alone all the time."

"Then why don't you ... you know, you make some friends?" He asked, sounding confused.

Obviously he'd be confused. He was surrounded by people all the time, a lot of people who wanted to be his friends, and had had no experience or knowledge to understand that not everything was so simple.

"Because people don't wanna be around me."

"But-"

"Forget it, Mark," I said with a tired smile. "It's been like this since I got here, I'm kinda used to it ta be honest an' school's gonna be over soon, I can go ta college an' I can start all over again, there's no point in makin' friends now."

"Yeah well, it sad to see you sitting all alone time, every day."

"You've noticed me?" I asked, feeling a growing feeling of happiness inside my chest. He rolled his eyes. 

"Don't interpret it that way, I notice a lot of people."

My momentary joy disappeared almost instantly. 

"Yeah," I said nervously playing with my hands.

"What's wrong?"

"Mm?"

"You look sad. What is it?"

"Nothing."

He opened his mouth, obviously to protest, but I continued to speak, before he regained to do so.

"Can I ask you a question?"

He gestured with his hands as if to say 'sure, whatever'.

"Okay, I've already asked twice, but we were interrupted before I got an answer every time, so I wanted to ... ask you again," I said, the last part a bit 'hesitant. "Are you gay?"

Just as it did the first and the second time I asked him, his body froze and I saw his jaw twitch.

"Why are you so insistent on receiving an answer about this?" He asked after a while of silence.

I shrugged, feeling distressed. "It's kinda obvious why."

"I understand that part, but why are you so curious to know? It's not like I'd brake up with Lauren and instantly go to you."

"No! Of course not," I raised myself a little. " I was just curious, why- "

"It's fine, I understand," he barked careless, looking at me with anger, "well, I'm not gay, now your fantasies can die."

I gasped. "My fantasies?" I said incredulously, "Mark remember when you asked me if the fact that yer popular, automatically meant you'd have to be a jerk and and I said no? Well, I changed my mind. Yer a jerk. An emeritus jerk and you know what else? I might not have any friends, but if it means spending time with people like you then I'd rather be alone!"

As I spoke, I got out of bed and I found myself standing beside Mark, watching him while he was still sitting in the same position and staring at me with angry eyes. 

I shook my head with a humourless smile. 

"I really don't know what, on this earth, I was thinking when I thought that maybe we could have been friends. This is what it's supposed to be like, right? I'll just be the guy with no friends and you ca-"

My words got caught in my throat as pain, all too familiar, shot across my abdomen. I wrapped my arms around my stomach to try to alleviate the pain in some way, but of course it was useless. My legs refused to let me stay standing, and I fell to the ground, still clutching my stomach.

I felt Mark get out of bed, and a few seconds later, he was sitting next to me on the floor.

"What's wrong?" He asked, his anger disappeared from voice and was immediately replaced with concern.

"It hurts," I gasped before my whole body was bending, and I fell to the side, almost lying on Mark's lap. If I wasn't preoccupied with the intense pain then I probably would have been embarrassed.

"Okay, what do I do?" He asked, obviously trying to remain calm, with one of his hands resting on my shoulder and the other in my hair as he pushed it out of my face. 

"Nothing," I said, grabbing my shirt as tight as possible, to prevent making any whines or cries. "It'll pass."

The contractions - if that's what they were - continued to lacerate, but unlike the first time, the pain subsided gradually. Five minutes later, they completely stopped and hesitantly, I tried to move my hands from my belly.

"It stopped?" Asked Mark, his hands were still where they were before and he was petting my hair softly. 

"Yeah, it's all right now," I said trying to get up, but Mark refused.

"I don't think you should move," he said.

I turned my head, looking directly at him, meeting his gaze. He looked worried, really worried, and that look made my insides turn as much as I hated it. 

The desire to raise my hand and touch his face was overwhelming, but I hadn't forgotten the discussion we had had little before the pain, and to show any form of affection now, it would probably wrong. In fact it would be wrong at any time when it came to Mark.

"I can sit up, it's alright," I said, trying once again to return to my previous position.

"I don't want you to move," he said firmly, "you might hurt her or yourself, I don't want anything to happen to either of you."

"We were arguing less than ten minutes ago, Mark, I shouldn't be on your lap, I shouldn't be this close to ya, I might start fantasising."

He sighed and smiled sadly, as he continued to play with my hair. He was enjoying playing with it, I noticed. 

"I'm really sorry for that," he said, "it was really inappropriate and I am a jerk. You just asked a question, and I attacked you, I'm sorry. The whole gay thing has been a problem recently and I guess I just snapped." 

"A problem? How? "I asked, forgetting I was even angry. 

"Cry and Felix are constantly on me, insisting that they're waiting for the day I come out of the closet or something and Ken laughs every time they do it, as if it was all a joke. With Lauren every time, even if I mention some random guy, she starts going crazy and shit, it's exhausting!"

"Has it been like that for a while?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Why?"

He sighed and bit his lip, as if he was nervous about what he was going to say. 

"I think ... I've talked a lot about you lately, with the guys and Lauren, and even about the baby with the guys, and I think they all thought I've talked too much about you, and they've wanted me to go sit with you at lunch and ditch them and Lauren and-"

"You should probably stop, or I'll start to wonder," I said, playfully, and I managed to get him to smirk. 

"Sorry," he muttered, "but now everyone, including my girlfriend, who I have heterosexual relations with, thinks I'm gay."

"Okay, thanks, I don't think I need more details," I said. I didn't really need to hear about Mark and Lauren sexual life; it was quite painful to know that they even had one t be honest. 

"Oh shut up, pervert," he grunted and hit my shoulder, "I meant that I asked her to be my girlfriend, we kiss, and well yes, the other things that you were thinking about, but I love her and I dunno what else I can do to convince her I'm straight." 

"Well, I could offer you to hit me in the hallways at school and call me a fag in front of her, but with the baby and the rest I don't think that's a good idea," I said with a humorless laugh.

"I wouldn't ever hit you, or call you a fag you idiot," he said. "Baby or no baby."

"No, but would you call me an idiot and play with my damn hair, apparently."

"Mm yes," he muttered, "don't tell Lauren that I told you this, 'cause she would kill me, but your hair is softer than hers."

"Thanks," I said, smiling, "and don't say this to Lauren, because she'd kill me, but her boyfriend is way to good for her."

What I meant was beyond me, because neither of us, at present, needed any more reasons to feel embarrassed. Fortunately, despite this, we stayed silent.

We waited for a while, while his hand was still playing with my hair and eventually a real smile appeared on his face.

"Thanks," he said.

I returned the smile. 

"I'm fine now, I can get up," I said.

"No, stay a little longer," he said.  
I raised my eyebrows and felt my body tingle. 

"Why ... do you want me to stay here?" I asked hesitantly.

"There's a reason," he said looking a little restless. 

"Mark," I started biting my lip nervously, "you know, I won't judge ya or anything, no matter what you tell me. I won't m tell anyone, if that's what's bothering ya."

As if I had someone to tell.

"Don't tell me you want to talk about me being 'gay' again," he said with a small grunt.

"No, not necessarily," I said quickly, not wanting start another argument, "just, you know, if there's something else."

"Then I'll talk to Lauren, Cry, Ken or Felix."

I tried to do my best to not be offended by these words.

"Yeah, sure," I said with a faint smile, "Well, I- I'm here, if you want want to, y'know, yer the only person I can openly talk ta these days and I'd wanna return the favour sometimes."

He smiles at me forcibly and resumed playing with my hair. I hadn't even noticed that he had stopped before.

"Thank you," he mumbled.

I murmured in response and we stayed like that for another hour and a half until I fell asleep. 

When I woke up, I was on Mark's bed and he was asleep at my side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a little later than usual...Something happened in my town and it kinda shook everyone up so it's been a long day of phone calls and condolences, I found time to do this tonight before I went to bed, I will post another chapter later to make up for how late this one was! 
> 
> Also, thank you for 100 kudos like wow! That's amazing! Thank you! 
> 
>  
> 
> Have a a good day/night wherever you are!


	11. I'm sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark and Jack talk to the baby.

One weekend in early January there was a huge downfall of snow but, unfortunately, it was taking its damn time in melting, it didn't melt in time for another big freeze to roll through and that mean ice, lots of slippery ice. I was scared for my own wellbeing at this point! I would almost tiptoe to school every morning to ensure I didn't slip and fall flat on my, now balloon like, stomach. 

The whole week was boring and stressful, filled with tasks and sleepless nights. Very often I would wake up in the middle of the night because of the baby kicking, and it was becoming somewhat of a nuisance, I had to speak to her, sometimes even sing to her, to make her stop and that it had become routine. 

Hadley, David and James left on January 7th with a sack of presents each and their suitcases. Hadley was heading back to California and David was heading back out to Minnesota. James, I didn't know where he was going and neither did he. He was the oldest and had finished college and decided to travel, maybe that's what I'd do after college too? Travel! 

It was sad saying goodbye because with these guys you can only guarantee you'll see them during Christmas and the summer, you never know when or if you'll see them between there. 

The last time Mark and I had gone to the doctor, I had forgotten to schedule another meeting, so I had to call the Dr. Hayes and ask her if I should go back. She marked me down for January 15th at half past four, and I thought that I should probably tell Mark in case he wanted to come. And this is why, the day before the appointment, I found myself walking up to the cafeteria table where Mark, Felix, Cry, Ken and Lauren were sitting. 

Tuesday, January 14th  
Twenty-one weeks

I wasn't as nervous as the first time, back in the good old days when Mark didn't believe I was pregnant but that didn't mean I wasn't nervous. Even from a couple of meters away, I saw Felix and Ken glaring at Lauren from the other side of the table and I couldn't help but wonder if she acted the way she did with me around them. If so, I couldn't help but wonder why Mark wanted her around. In my mind there was no doubt that there must be something more, besides the fact that she had a beautiful face; judging from what Felix and Cry had told me about Mark, and my impression of him, he didn't seem like the kinda guy to go for a girl based entirely on looks. 

But anyway, what did I know, right?

When I arrived at the table, I coughed a little to get Mark's attention. Cry and Felix looked up simultaneously and Felix's expression changed from annoyed to happy, Ken then turned and waved, smiling widely. 

Lauren, on the other hand, did not seem too happy. Go figure. She said nothing, but I noticed that she slipped her arm around Mark's waist possessively and the haughty look she gave me. I shifted the gaze to Mark, expecting to receive a friendly greeting from him. But to my surprise, he only looked at her for a few seconds and ignored my presence before focusing again on his lunch.

A little taken aback by his lack of interest in my presence, I bit my lip. "Mark?" I said, unsure, "Can I talk to you for a second?"

"No," he said in response, sharp and cold, and without looking at me.

My heart stopped beating and looked at the floor for a moment. "Why not?"

"Because I said no."

"Mark, what the hell?" Cry hissed, he stood up and stared at his friend, I could tell he was mad.

I swallowed and forced myself to smile at Ken and Felix who were both glaring at Mark like he'd just brought dishonour on their entire families. 

"It's okay, it wasn't important," I said before I stepped back in an attempt to get away as quickly as possible.

Why was he acting like that? Had I done something when I last saw him? As I walked along the corridors towards my locker, I couldn't stop thinking about it. It was stupid to try to talk to him like that, I would have to send him a message and tell him about the appointment. But anyway, I guess we definitely couldn't be classed as friends now.

He wouldn't have been so rude, I think; if he didn't want to talk to me, he would have declined and smiled, maybe this was something to do with pandering to Lauren. 

The rest of the school day went by rather quickly and, as always, I walked home alone with slow steps, to make sure I didn't slip. This was probably something I should ask Dr. Hayes tomorrow; how to deal with the slippery roads. I couldn't continue to walk like a pensioner for the next two months. 

Juliet was the only one there when I got home and gave me just a quick, "Hey", before giving back her attention to the TV where it was broadcasting a soccer game. 

I was totally exhausted, as always, and since I didn't have any homework for once, I lay on my bed the second I entered the room. The mattress seemed divinely comfortable and I sighed happily, thinking that I'd like to lie here for all eternity. I turned in bed, trying to be comfortable, before ending up lying on my side, a position I found myself in most days. 

About a week before, I realized that it was the most comfortable position to sleep in; on my side with one arm under my head and the other resting on my belly. I was becoming too big to be able to sleep on my back and, of course, so lying on my stomach was not an option. 

As I was about to drift off, I felt the baby kicking. 

"You really love kicking, don't ya?" I murmured with a sigh, still half asleep, patting my tummy gently, "Especially when I want to sleep. No, only when I want to sleep. I know you're still alive and strong and healthy at least. I wonder if you've inherited all these kicks from your dad." I sighed again when Mark entered my thoughts. "I hope you don't become like that" I said monotonously, "He's been horrible ta me today, y'know, it hurt a lot."

A knock on the door interrupted me and I was going to say, "Come in" when the door opened. I was sure it was Juliet and was about to tell her to promptly "fuck off." When a familiar red headed man walked through the door. 

"Hi," said Mark, looking 'nervous, as he passed through the door before closing it behind us.

"Hello," I said, too surprised to be able to say anything else.

The room became silent and I remained in the same, awkward position. The baby was kicking like crazy, and it was starting to hurt a little, and I did my best to calm her down by slowly rubbing my stomach. 

Needless to say, without success.

"I just wanted to apologize," Mark said finally. 

I blinked. "For...?"

"The way I treated you today," he said as he walked to my bed and sat near my feet.

"Why did you do that?" I asked, he turned his head to look at me. 

"It 's just that ... Lauren and the rest," he said, looking at me with an expression of nervous, "She really doesn't like that we're friends."

"Oh. Did ya make it clear we're just friends?" I asked, feeling a little restless.

"Yeah, like a million times," he said with an exasperated sigh, "she doesn't believe it."

"So you decided that being an asshole to me is the best way to prove it?"

"I'm sorry, it was stupid, I know."

I sighed, but then I smiled. "I'm too tired to be angry with you, so you're forgiven. But please don't do it again. If you don't want me to speak to ya then tell me now and I'll leave ya alone."

"No, it's not that," he said quickly. He was silent for a moment, and frowned, "It's just that ... well, I- okay, I'm gonna feel like a complete asshole after saying this, but maybe we can not, like, hang out in public? I don't want Lauren to get mad."

"Yes, yeah, no problem," I said dismissively, my words in sharp contrast with my thoughts and the wound in my chest.

He looked at me worried for a few seconds before uttering a quiet, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, really, don't worry," I said with a forced smile. The baby continued to kick - really, how long could one thing do that for? - And she was starting to get seriously unbearable. Without thinking about the fact that Mark was sitting less than two meters away from me, I kept my eyes fixed on my belly and sighed exhausted. "Why won't ya stop kickin' me, baby?" I said, "It's starting to hurt."

"What?" I heard Mark say, sounding a little confused. I shifted my eyes and found him staring at me puzzled for a few seconds before he realised who I was talking to. "Oh, right," 

I couldn't avoid a short laugh. 

"D-did ya really think that I'd be callin' ya baby?" I raised an eyebrow. "In yer dreams."

"You never know."

"Well, I can assure you that every time you hear me call someone 'baby', it'll almost certainly be the actual baby, not you," I said with a wry smile.

"Hm, good to know," he murmured, "So ... is she kicking?"

"Yeah, all the time, especially when I want to sleep," I said with a yawn and turned on my back to be able to see Mark better. "She doesn't stop until ya talk to her, it's kinda fuckin' annoying having ta get up and talk ta yer stomach."

"Maybe she just wants to hear your voice."

"Hard to say; conversations tend to be a little 'one-sided," said dryly.

He laughed and crawled up the bed to sit next to me with his back against the wall. 

"Yeah, maybe it's something you're doing, what were you talking about before the kicks."

I shrugged. "I dunno know. Before you came I was talking abou-" I stopped, wanting to slap myself for the lack of connection between my brain and my mouth.

"You were talking about ...?" Mark trailed off, raising his eyebrows questioningly.  
I turned on the side again, feeling my cheeks turn pink. 

"Nothing nothing. I was just ... no, nothing."

"Jack, come on," he complained, giving a slight nudge at my feet, "I want to know what you're talking to my daughter about."

It was the first time I heard him call the baby 'my daughter,' and it kinda made me happy, unbearably happy to be honest. 

"I was telling her just that ... maybe she's inherited all these kicks from you, cause..."

"Aw," whispered Mark, with a grin on his face, "you were talking about me."

"It was just a fleeting thought," I muttered, "I didn't mean to imply anything."

"Well, why not? It'd be nice to have a little kicker, a little soccer player or something."

"I don't even like soccer, Mark, and I don't care about it either," I said, ending the fun, "And if she is a good soccer player then we'll never know." 

His smile quickly faltered, and he nodded slowly. "Yeah, right," he muttered.

What I'd said seemed to disturb me as much as him, but I tried to turn the mood around and hit his arm with my sock clad foot then smiled. "You'll have another kid one day, you can torture them into playing football and soccer all you want then."

"Yes, but-well, this baby's different" He said with a small smile that adorned his face.

"I, well- yeah," I said with a small chuckle, "She was conceived at a party by two male parents who were both drunk and of which only one gay," I raised my eyebrows in his direction, "Therefore it is a little 'different with this child. "

"Not what I meant," he said as he slowly passed his fingers through his hair, "I don't know about you but this is my first child."

"Yeah, I know," I said, pursing my lips, "But if we leave aside the fact that I am a man, our situation isn't all that unusual. Many people get pregnant when they aren't ready and have an abortion or choose to give it up for adoption - it happens so often. "

"I know, but ..." he whispered and hesitated briefly before opening his mouth. "I'm starting to wonder if it would be better for you to have an abortion."

My eyes widened. "W-what?" I  
stammered, "Mark, y-you want to kill her. Look, if ya don't wanna be part of this then y-ya don't have'ta be, b-but you c-can't make me kill her, I won't." 

Unknowingly I covered my stomach as I spoke, or perhaps consciously; an attempt to protect the child from a possible danger that really wasn't even there.

"No, no, it's not because I don't want to have anything to do with her or with you," he said, pinching the bridge of his nose, "It's just not fai- please to think about this, Jack. She will be born and we see our little girl for five minutes then they take her away and we never see her again, is that what you want?"

I swallowed. No, it was obvious that I didn't want that but what other choice did I have?

"No, but I don't want her to die," I said, forcing my voice to stay steady, "And anyway, you can stop saying 'we'."

"What?"

"Can you stop saying 'we' because we aren't having this baby together."

He looked at me, a puzzled expression on her face. "We aren't?"

I groaned. "Mark, for God's sake, if that's the way you talk about me in front Lauren, do you really think it's strange that she's jealous?"

"I'm not talking about this with Lauren," he said, "I can't tell her that you're pregnant, right?"

"Right, but it's bad enough that you've got me pregnant, okay? If you're around me, treating me like I was your boyfriend well-"

"I'm treating you like you were my boyfriend?"

"I don't know, I don't know," I sighed, "The point is that you got me pregnant by accident and I don't blame you, but secondly when you did that, your part in this thing was over."

"So you've just decided this?"

"What?"

"You've just suddenly decided I have no part in this anymore?"

"I haven't just decided suddenly, Mark, it's just better this way."

"Why? I don't understand."

"T-this'll ruin your relationship with Lauren."

He looked at me with obvious disbelief. 

"Since when do you care about my relationship with Lauren?"

"Since when-I don't know, but I won't destroy anything between you two."

"Jack" he sighed, rubbing his forehead, "none of this makes sense, what's wrong?"

"Like I said, it's-"

"I know, I listened to you," he interrupted me, "How about you try to explain it to me? This time telling the truth."

I was about to protest again, but his eyes had made me realize that I couldn't lie. I opened and closed my mouth several times before groaning loudly. 

"Why do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Read me like that."

"Maybe you're just easy to read," he said with a smile.

"Yeah, maybe," I grumbled.

"So?"

I propped up on my elbows and looked at him for a few seconds, considering the situation, before answering. 

"I'm becoming really confused."

"What?"

"Having you around all the time, it's messing with my head."

He frowned. "Why?"

"I-I'm not used to having people around, that's all," I said and, well, it wasn't a complete lie.

"Oh. But-"

"Look, it's okay," I interrupted, "I'm pregnant, I have mood swings, just ignore me."

"Are you sure?" He asked, "if you want me to go, it's no problem."

"No, no," I said, perhaps a little too enthusiastically, "I want you around."

A smile broke out in his face again. 

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Hm, okay then," he said, sounding pleased, "Now that we've solved this thing, you had to talk to me at school today?"

I blinked, not understanding what he meant for a couple of seconds before remembering. "Oh, right, that," I said, scratching his head, "I just thought to tell you that I'm going to see Dr. Hayes tomorrow for a new appointment."

"Okay," he said, smiling faintly, "And you want me to come with you?"

"Only if you want," I said and shrugged my shoulders slightly to try to appear more careless. 

"Good. At what time?"

"Half past four."

"Oh," he said, looking down sadly, "I have a date with Lauren at four o'clock, I'm sorry."

"Okay, you didn't have to come anyway, I just thought I'd tell ya in case, don't worry, I'll be ok." but I would be more okay with you there, I thought but I didn't allow myself to say it. 

"I'm sorry," he said again, and seemed truly sorry.

"Don't worry," I said and gave him a small smile, "It's a check-up, nothing interesting, I promise."

"Next time I'll come with you, I promise."

"Okay, Mark, don't worry."

We were both silent for a few minutes, but Mark kept looking at me as if he had something to tell me. After a while he opened his mouth and spoke again.

"Can I ask you a question, it's kind of awkward?" He said.

"It depends," I said, raising my eyebrows, "How awkward?"

"Very awkward."

I raised my eyebrows together and said, a little hesitantly, "Okay, shoot."

"What I mean is, how will you, y'know, give birth?" He asked, writhing in obvious discomfort.

I grimaced slightly and I moved from where I was sitting. The same question had also passed my thoughts more than once, but I had always refused to think about it for too long. As far as I knew, really was only one option which was; a cesarean section where they'd basically have to cut me open and get her out. 

"I suppose you couldn't really give birth naturally," he added when I didn't answer.

I couldn't help but laugh, despite the carved image in my head. "No, I doubt that since I haven't got, you know, a vagina," I said.

"Well, no, but-"

"I'm not going to give birth through my ass," I said, still laughing.

He grimaced for a few seconds, but then was replaced by a smile. 

"Yes, I can understand. Then it'll be a c-section?"

"Probably," I said, "I can ask the doctor tomorrow."

"Can you wait for the next time? I want to know too."

"I can just tell you what she tells me."

"Well, yeah, but I want to hear it too."

I looked at him quizzically. 

"Okay. Why?"

He shrugged. "I dunno, I just thought it'd be great to, y'know, be in there when she's born."

"What?"

"What?"

"What?"

"Huh?"

I looked at him open-mouthed. 

"You wanna be in the damn room, when I'll be fat and disgusting and probably sweating like a pig and while they cut me to get her out?"

"I thought about it, as long as you'd be okay with it," he said with a snort.

"I'd think it'd be better for ya ta stay at home and wait fer me to call or something," I said uneasily.

"What? No! I want to be there, if not in the same room, at least in the hospital," he protested, looking like a fussy child. 

"Why, Mark? It'll be disgusting and I'll cry and- no, I don't think you want to see this."

"Understandable but it's the only chance I'll have to see her."

I blinked, took in what he had said, and then I frowned, because okay, I hadn't thought of that. "I'm sorry, I didn't think."

"Yeah. So, I can at least be in the hospital?"

"Sure," I sighed, "I should probably start thinking about how I'm gonna get there."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I can't drive alone and, hopefully, by then a very select amount of people will know-."

"Ken, Cry and Felix know," he said with a shrug.

"Yes, but Im not gonna call 'em to ask one of 'em to take me to hospital."

"Then call me and I'll drive you."

"You don't mind?"

"If the alternative is that you and her end up, like, dead or something then I don't think I mind," he said soberly, "Before you start, I want to be there, okay?"

I hesitated a little, but then I nodded, thinking that I had not so many other options. 

"Yeah, all right. Thank you."

He smiled brightly. "Great! Okay, since we're on the subject of questions, do you mind if I ask another question? "

"Go ahead,"

"Are you gonna tell your family?"

This was something that had occupied my mind a lot of the time; every time I was sitting at the dining table with them, when Juliet would glance down at my stomach, when my Ma would tell me I should start going to the gym or when Hadley pointed out my obvious gain in weight. Virtually every time I saw one of them. I knew that I wouldn't be able to hide the truth for a long time yet, soon it'd be obvious that this wasn't just weight gain, then what? 

"I don't know," I said finally.

He looked at my stomach for a few minutes, appearing to be lost in deep thoughts, before he looked back up to meet my gaze. "I know what I'm about to say might be upsetting to someone pregnant, but ... you're starting to get big, so how much longer do you think you can hide it?"

My elbow began to ache trying hold up the weight of my body, and I sank down on the pillow letting out a sigh. "I know, but I've already told you, Mark, my family doesn't even know I'm gay, how would they react if I told them I'm pregnant?"

"I don't know, Jack, I don't know," Mark said with a helpless shrug, "But you'll have to tell them sooner or later."

"Yeah, I know," I mumbled.

We both fell in peaceful silence and after that I fell into deep thought about what to do about Ma and the rest of my family. 

Mark was right: I wouldn't be able to hide my belly for long. I was more than halfway through the pregnancy and in a month or two, I wouldn't be able to hide it from anyone, especially not from people that I lived with, no matter how many layers of clothes I would wear.

I was dragged out of my train of thought, rather brutally, when suddenly I felt the baby starting to kick again. 

"Oh, fer fucks sake," I muttered then ran a hand through my hair.

"What?" Mark questioned. 

"She's kicking again," I said, as I rubbed my stomach, "why d'ya keep doin' this, baby? Is it fun hearing me complain?"

"Can I try?" Mark asked and I raised my eyebrows again.

"Try what?"

"You know, try to get her to stop kicking," he replied with a shrug.

"Oh," I said, "yeah, right."

His face lit up, he lay down next to me, leaning on his elbow. 

"Okay, how do I do it?" He asked. 

"Just try something," I said, a little distracted by the proximity between our faces. I could have leaned over a few centimeters now and our noses would touch but that probably wasn't a good ide. 

"Yeah, but what do you usually do to calm her?"

"I don't know, I rub my stomach and I talk to her."

"So you want me to rub your stomach like a dog?"

"Hey, you were the one that wanted to get her ta stop kicking," I said in my defense.

"Okay, okay," he said, raising his hand awkwardly and stopping a few centimeters above my belly. 

"Can I ...?" He asked.

"Sure."

He lowered his hand and let it rest on my belly for a few seconds before starting to move slowly in gentle circles. I don't know if it was because of Mark or the way he was touching me, but soon I felt my whole body relax under his touch. After a minute or two, Mark dropped his head on the pillow next to me and my breath hitched. 

"You should probably stop kicking your daddy, little girl," he murmured softly, continuing to move his hand in small circles. He smiled slightly, and I said nothing as I waited for him to continue. "He's your only source of life right now so I think you should start to treat him better. He's a great guy and he doesn't deserve to be kicked. Not that it isn't good that you're kicking, because it lets us know you're healthy and with all that training maybe you'll play soccer or football- like me - or start doing karate or taekwondo, or something. But it would be better if you try not to practice too much while you're in there. I don't think you want to hurt your daddy any more than necessary, so do you think you can give up practicing karate so much?"

"Do you think she'll listen to you because you asked her?" I murmured with a weary smile, trying not to show how fucking adorable I thought it was. 

He turned his head to look at me and I swallowed back realizing how close we were. There was virtually no distance between us, and if Mark hadn't noticed before, I was sure he had now. 

"I don't know what she likes, how am I supposed to know?"

"I think she liked it" I said, "She stopped kicking."

"Really?"

I nodded and his smile turned even brighter.

"I have to be baby whisperer!"

I wanted to laugh, but I was too tired to do it, so I opted for a smile and I mumbled 

"yeah, I'm sure you are."

"Tired?" He asked.

"Exhausted. I was about to fall asleep when you came in so I'm behind schedule."

"Schedule?" He chuckled.

"I'm not lying, I need a schedule ta make sure I don't fall asleep in classes and all that other shit."

"Okay, okay," he said and stood up in a slow, fluid motion, "I'm leaving and I'll let you sleep."

"You can stay if you want," I told him, and, okay, maybe it was time to connect my mouth to my brain.

"What? Do you want me to stay to watch you sleep?" he asked. "Is that something you developed during pregnancy or have you always liked it?"

"Oh my God," I groaned before I turned back on my side to bury my face, which I was sure was bright red, into the pillow, "not what I meant," I said, with muffled words.

"I know," I heard him say, "It 's just that it's really fun to make fun of you; you get so embarrassed."

I raised my head again and looked at him, ready to protest, but then I came to the conclusion that he was probably right, and my glare turned into defeat. 

"Yeah," I told myself.

"Well, I won't be here to watch you sleep," he said with a wry smile, "I have some stuff to do."

"Yeah, alright."

He gave me a strange look. "You look sad," he murmured.

Once again; I'm an open book. 

"I don't like being alone," I lied.

"I want to stay, but I really need to do some things."

"Okay, Mark," I said. "Go."

"Okay, okay," he said, "But before I go, sit up."

"Why?" I moaned, "I'm tired."

"Just do it."

Rolling my eyes, whispering a low 'ass' I did as he told me in spite of my little conviction. "I'm so fat that I need to use my arms to be able to sit up," I muttered when half vertical, "So, why did I need to sit up?"

The answer came in the form of his arms wrapped around me in a gentle embrace. For a while I was so shocked that my body froze and I just stared blankly at the wall behind him but, eventually, I wrapped my arms around him, returning the hug. It was just a simple hug, but I felt my blood flow through my ears, my heart beat much faster than usual against my chest and my breathing deepened. He smelled really good, as creepy as it sounds.

"You smell good," he murmured, as if he had read my mind, before he - to my disappointment - let go. 

"Thank you, but what was that?" I asked.

"Can't I hug my friends?"

"Oh, I- no, of course, friends can ... hug," I said hesitantly, continuing to be a little confused.

"Well!" He said brightly, and almost jumped up out through the ceiling, "Now I have to go though, so ... I'll see you when I see you."

Right. We weren't going to speak in public. 

"Right. I'll send you a message when I have the next appointment date if you want," I said.

"Thanks," he said, starting to walk back towards the door, "I'm sorry though," he added, before looking worried, "that I can't be with you at school, it's really sad to see you on your own."

I smiled. "It's okay Mark, stop apologizing."

He just smiled and gave me a final, "bye," before turning around, opening the door and leaving the room. I sighed, letting my smile falter and lay back the second the door was closed. The more time I spent with Mark, I began to realise why Lauren had been so possessive; he was funny, sweet, good looking and he fucking smelled amazing. 

I said it once and I'll say it again; Mark Fischbach will be the death of me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a cuteish chapter! I mean, near the end ... I liked this one a lot! 
> 
> How are you guys liking it? 
> 
> Anyway, I don't have a lot else to say so have a good day/night everyone!


	12. Are ya out of yer mind, Ma?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix and Cry make an assumption, Jack gets some frustrating news and Mark might be a little bit in love with their baby.

It wasn't important that Mark was there on the fifteenth, but it felt weird, he'd been here for the past two and now he wasn't here, as I was sitting in the waiting room I began to realise how comforting it was to have him around. Not that I was uncomfortable without him, but it felt like he was missing something important. 

The visit didn't last more than an hour and a half, and I was told that all four chambers of the heart, the ventricles and atria, were functioning, her arms and legs were intact, and she was growing in the way she should be. 

I began to wonder if it was the right time to start doing some testing to see if it was possible to find out which biological mutation could take place for a newborn baby, but I didn't want to do it alone, I didn't want to hear that alone so I decided that waiting for Mark was best. 

It was only after leaving the doctor's office that I realized I've become kind of addicted to Mark. The thought of having to do all this alone for the next four months made me feel uncomfortable and as I was walking on the sidewalk toward home, I thought about how it was a good thing that Mark was such a sweet guy. It could have been anyone at that party, a complete asshole so, while Mark was kind of an ass, I had to consider myself lucky that he, at least, supported me and wanted to be involved. 

Mark and I didn't interact, apart from the text I sent him after leaving the doctors office. 

To: Markimoo

'New appointment, February 8th at 9am'

From: Markimoo

Thanks for telling me, I'll be there. 

After that, I decided to pretend I didn't know Mark at all in school and I remembered what he had told me about being sad seeing me alone all the time, so I tried to eat somewhere else other than the cafeteria every day; I didn't want him to get upset because I was alone.

Of course, I saw him in the corridors from time to time, but also when we past each other and he'd have an arm around Lauren of he, Cry, Felix and Ken would saunter past and he wouldn't even look, we just pretended to be completely oblivious to the others existence. Even if I agreed when he said that we couldn't interact with each other in school, I never thought he meant he'd ignore me completely. 

Apparently, that's what he meant. 

But hey, I'm used to it. 

Friday, January 25th  
Twenty-two weeks 

"So by Monday I want you to do pages forty-five to fifty-two," said Ms. Henriksen earning a chorus of complaints. She raised her hand and the class quieted down, "I know that you think it looks like a lot of unnecessary exercises, but this is math, and it requires more commitment than the other classes you attend."

I was too tired to worry about complaining or to give an excuse to avoid doing math homework or to deal with the amount of stress Ms. Henriksen would bring down upon me so I stayed quiet, stared out the window and wished the last five minutes of this class would end. I wished I could just head home and miss the last two hours. It wasn't that I was bored with school or anything, it was just that I was sad here and, despite there being hundreds of students in the school, I was so damn alone. 

Since the last time Mark and I went out, eleven days before, I hadn't spoken to anyone. Clearly I had talked to my Ma and Juliet and Dodger, but for obvious reasons I hadn't been able to talk to anyone else. 

Under normal circumstances it would have been quite normal to live with the feeling of loneliness, but now the baby was kicking constantly with a constant reminder of Mark, that I needed to talk to him and I tried to convince myself that it was just because he was the only person that knew about all of this. 

The corridors were insanely filled when I came out of the classroom and I couldn't help but feel annoyed, knowing that it would take me, at least, ten minutes to get to my locker. More than once someone hit my stomach and every time I was startled by fear and I would glare at each person that did it. But once I got to my locker, I felt a couple of enthusiastic kicks, as if she had noticed my concern and despite the tiredness and bad mood, I smiled. 

Quickly I took the English textbook, which I needed for the class after lunch and headed around to the bench is been eating at for the past few days. It was behind the school, there was usually nobody there but when I got around there, someone was there. 

Cry and Felix were sitting there, Felix was more or less on Cry's lap and they were chatting happily, I noticed Cry's mask was again pushed up to his nose, their conversation was interrupted every now and then with a quick kiss. They just looked happy, I stood there for a second and stared, they really were damn cute together, I was kinda jealous. I began to turn away, completely unaware of the fact they'd noticed me. 

Felix let out a string of words, I couldn't understand them do I assumed he was speaking Swedish. 

"Jesus, warn us when you're there," Felix said. "You nearly gave me a heart attack."

"Sorry, sorry," I said, I spun back around to face them, "I was just- I was going to leave you alone."

I quickly turned on my heels to leave again, but Cry called me back. 

"Hey wait," he said, and I sighed, wishing and praying this wouldn't go on much longer. 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt or anythin'," I said after I turned toward them, "Usually there's nobody here, so-"

"It's okay, we were just talking," Felix said with a shrug, "Why are you back here?"

"Why are you here?" I replied childishly.

"It's pretty obvious, right?"

Despite the cold air that surrounded me, I felt my cheeks heat up.

"Yeah, I suppose."

"So what are you doing out here?"

"No special reason," I said vaguely.

Both raised their eyebrows skeptically and I looked down to their feet. "I just thought I wouldn't piss off anyone out here," I muttered. 

"Piss off someone? Why would anyone get annoyed if you're inside? " Cry asked.

"You know," I said with a shrug, my eyes still fixed on the ground, "Mark doesn't wanna talk in school, or public, anymore and he said that it was sad ta see me alone so I thought if I came out here then I wouldn't bother him." 

"I'm sorry but ... Mark doesn't wanna talk to you in public? What the hell does that mean?" I heard Cry ask, he sounded furious.

I looked up and I saw that he was watching me his mouth turned downwards.

"Because of, y'know, Lauren," I said with as much nonchalance as possible.

They both groaned at the same time.

"I really don't know what he sees in her," said Felix, looking pensively for some reason, "she told him to stay away from you?"

"No, no," I said quickly, "It was Mark's idea, he didn't wanna upset her."

"So he preferred you eating alone and sitting out in the cold while you're pregnant?" Cry said derisively.

"It's okay, really," I said, I didn't mean to make them mad at him. "Never mind."

"You're still a shit liar."

"I-" I started to protest, but Cry interrupted me.

"When was the last time you talked to Mark?" He said.

"About a week ago," I replied. "Why?"

"So he hasn't seen or talked to you in a whole week?"

Felix was beginning to look seriously pissed off and I didn't really know what to do. 

"Well, no," I said, I was starting to become confused. So what if Mark and I hadn't spoken in a week? What did that have to do with them? "Why?"

"He really is a jackass." Cry sighed, he crossed his arms and shook his head. 

"What? Why d'ya say that?"

"It's kinda obvious, Jack, you're pregnant with his baby and he doesn't even bother to talk to you for a whole week, he's being an asshole." Cry stated. "Don't worry, I'm gonna make sure he knows how much of an asshole he really is."

"No, it's okay," I was against, "I said from the beginning that didn't have to be part of my life or her life so I'm fine on my own."

"If you want someone to believe you when you lie, you should work on facial expressions."

I opened my mouth, ready to protest, but both were staring at me with a faintly pitying look, so I waved my hand in the air. 

"Okay, I'm not fine," I said reluctantly. "So what? It has nothin' ta do with Mark. "

"Well then, what does that have to do with?" Asked Felix. 

"I don't know, nothing in particular."

"Why do you keep lying?"

"I'm not lying."

"You're doing it now."

"Well, what the fuck you want then?" I yelled, "Maybe I feel like shit 'cause I'm pregnant and I am exhausted, tired, alone and in desperate need of someone to talk to, but, damn it, I can't talk about it with just anyone 'cause I'm a pregnant man and nobody but you guys and Mark fuckin' know that and, shit! She won't stop fuckin' kicking" I inhaled several times to calm down, before I placed one hand on my stomach. "Calm down, kid," I mumbled with my head facing down, trying to make sure Felix and Cry weren't listening, "I'm just a dumbass, ya don't have ta start kickin'." 

After a minute or two she calmed down, and when I looked up at Felix and Cry, they seemed confused. 

"What does that mean?" Cry asked.

"She likes to kick a lot" I said with a faint smile.

"She? She's a girl?" Felix asked with a surprised smile.

"Mark didn't tell ya?"

They both shook their heads, and my heart sank a little. Mark didn't think the sex of our baby was important enough information to share it with his friends? Alright then. No problem. 

"Well yeah, she's a girl," I said with a smile that seemed a little bit forced.

"That's great!"

"Yeah, but never mind," I said, with a shrug of the shoulders, "I'm still giving her up fer adoption so it doesn't really matter."

"Right."

"Yeah," I hesitated and moved on the feet, "I should go, I have to get to class."

"Okay," said Felix , "But you know, as far as the things you said, I'm sure Mark would help out, just call him or something, he isn't a bad guy, a bit of a jackass to be honest, but he'd probably be happy that you're calling him."

"I don't wanna annoy him, he already has enough things to worry about without having to deal with me."

"Didn't he already tell you that you should call him whenever you need him?"

"I- how did you know?"

"He told us," Cry said, "He talks about you a lot, we were kinda curious wether he liked you or not." Cry then turned and smiled, "we know you like him."

"Yeah, maybe," I spoke before thinking and after about five seconds, I realized, and my eyes widened, my hands shot to my mouth and covered it. Felix looked surprised and Cry's mouth had turned into an 'o', but neither of them said anything. I swallowed and slowly lowered my hand, turning to look at them both.

"Like ... Mark?" Felix asked hesitantly. 

"No, 'course not," I said immediately, "He's straight and has a girlfriend, it'd be stupid ta like him."

"Your heart doesn't understand logic," Cry said dryly, "Look at me and Felix."

"It's different," I muttered.

Cry broke out into laughter. "Yeah, 'cause we're both on the soccer team, where three-quarters of the players would kick our asses if they found out."

I sighed. "It doesn't matter, okay? I don't like Mark, not like that. "

"Yeah but-"

"No."

"You-"

"I have to go," I interrupted before I turned and started walking in the opposite direction. I ignored their calls for me to come back and kept walking. 

What if they said something to Mark? 

He'd hate me, for sure, and he'd want nothing to do with me or the baby and he'd just hate me forever, right? That sounded fucking fantastic. 

Saturday, January 20th  
Twenty-two weeks

When I woke up Saturday morning to shouting, it took me a few seconds to even register it but then I heard yelling from my mother downstairs, followed immediately by equally loud yells from Juliet. As I rubbed my eyes to ward off sleep, I got up slowly, placing a hand on the mattress as a support, and tried to understand the words that had just been shouted from downstairs. 

The only words I could make out was "Ian" and "crazy" and a very loud, prolonged groan from Juliet and, well, it wasn't a good sign.

After I put on a pair of sweatpants and a huge shirt, I walked from my room, down the stairs and into the kitchen. Ma and Juliet were sitting at the table across from each other, both with fierce expressions.

"What's happening?" I asked, letting out a loud yawn. 

"That's exactly what I said earlier when two men walked in and told me to get off the couch 'cause they're takin' it." Juliet growled. 

I blinked a few times. "Sorry, but what the hell does that mean?" I asked.

"It means that if you went into the living room right now you'd find a new couch and if ya went into Ma's room you'd find a new bed."

"What? Why?"

"Ian's moving in."

My mouth fell open and I turned instantly to my Ma. 

"You're not serious, are ya?" I asked incredulously.

She stared at me with a pleading look that I considered as a confirmation. Immediately I burst out laughing, shaking my head. 

"We barely know this man!"

"Well yeah, but-"

"Are ya out of your mind, Ma?" I asked running a hand through my hair, trying to remain calm.

"Yeah she is, clearly, she didn't even fucking tell us," Juliet spat, "You can't seriously say that you'll be happy for the rest of your life with Ian 'the most boring man there ever was! "

"I don't care if you like him or not," my mother said sternly, "wether you like it or not, he's staying here, and I like him. He'll be here in two days, if ya don't like it then leave."

"You just received the award for 'Mom of the Year'," Juliet hissed before she stormed out of the kitchen, then I heard a loud bang as she slammed her bedroom door shut. 

My Ma didn't say a word but I was still committed to argue with her about this. Ian was going to come and live with us, that meant that there would be another person around that would see me very, very pregnant in a few months, and that meant another person to deal with. It was particularly embarrassing since the first time I met Ian had told me that he didn't like children. I had the feeling that if he found out that his fiancé's son was pregnant, he wouldn't be happy. 

"I'm going to my room" I muttered, after a couple of seconds.

"Don't you think it's time to start doing a little exercise, Sean?" Was her response. Sean. She never called me Sean, it was always Jack.

I looked down for a split second. "Why?" I asked, even though I already knew the answer.

"You've put on some weight recently," she said. 

I opened my mouth. "I- wow, thank you! I didn't know!" I said, after the initial shock.

"You know very well, so why don't you get changed and go for a run?"

"Don't ya think that I can't fuckin' help it?" I hissed, when, suddenly, my anger started to pour out, "I can't help it, so don't start that shit!"

"Why are you crying?" She asked, frowning, "And what do you mean by you can't help it?"

"Did you ever think that maybe it's not just weight gain, or are ya too busy with yer precious fuckin' Ian to think about anyone else, apart from yerself?" After I said that, I whirled around to immediately exit the kitchen and marched upstairs. It was only when I sat down on my bed that I realised what I'd done. 

"Oh no, oh no, oh no," I muttered in my hands. Now Ma knew it wasn't just weight gain that was making me look like a hippo, this meant that most likely she would have - without any doubt - started thinking about somethin 'else. Not that one would ever pick the right answer, but she'd probably think it was something horrible. The very thought made my stomach turn, because she would definitely take me to the doctor and ask questions. 

And that would have been a disaster. On the other hand, I would have to tell her sooner or later. But what about Julier? And ... Jesus Christ, what Ian say? All this was too much for me to process so I, instead, slipped under the covers and closed my eyes while wondering what the hell is done to deserve this. 

Going back to sleep showed to be impossible mission and after an hour and a half, I gave up and opened my eyes with a sigh.

My hand flew to find my phone on the beside table and I used it to check the time. Eleven forty-two, I'd just be about to get up now if I hadn't been woken up anyway. Then, I got an idea. I didn't want to stay in alone all day and I really didn't want to go out alone either, I needed someone to vent to...why not ask Mark?

He said if I needed something then I was to call him, right? 

I found Mark's name in my contacts, I still hadn't changed his name from the one Felix had put down, and ,after a few minutes of hesitation, I pressed call. My heart was beating fast with nervousness while waiting for an answer. It rang for a while then, finally, he answered. 

"Whoever you are, know that I am going to kill you," he said with a very tired and angry voice on the other side.

"S-sorry, I did not know you were sleeping, sorry, sorry," I stammered. 

"Jack?" The irritation disappeared immediately and I felt a little better. 

"Yes, hello, sorry ... emm I woke ya up," I said.

"No, it's all right," he said quickly, "What's up?"

"I- well, you-you said that, you know ... I-I-"

"Jack."

"Sorry," I said with a nervous laugh. "It's just that you said that I could call you, well you know, if I needed it."

"Yeah?" He said slowly.

"Well, let's say ... I need to talk to someone," I said softly, while biting my lower lip.

"Oh good."

"Only if you don't mind," I said quickly, "it would be understandable if you didn't have time or didn't want to, I just got woke up by something really shit then I had a shit week then I-y'know what, this is stupid, forget I said anythin' just go ta sleep and-"

"You should stop doing that," he interrupted, "Of course I want to. Just give me half an hour and I'll be ready."  
"We could meet somewhere, if ya want? I really don't wanna be here right now." I said hesitantly.

"Yeah sure. Do you wanna come here, or do you want to go somewhere, or ...? "

"I can come to your place if that's okay."

"Yes sure. When are you gonna be here?"

"Thirty minutes, maybe more."

"Okay, see you later."

"Yeah, bye."

"Bye."

I hung up and I got out of bed, then walked to my closet and picked something to wear. Now usually, I would choose something that his the bump but I then realised that only Mark would see it. So I grabbed a pair of comfortable jeans and a thin sweater, which two months ago I was able to pull off but we're now pretty tight around my stomach. I turned and leaned a forwards toward the mirror to look at myself, and smiled. Honestly I didn't think I looked bad if it weren't for the bump. Still, it was kinda weird to see myself so obviously big. 

However I wore a jacket over the sweater in an attempt to hide my stomach storm my Ma and Juliet. 

"I'm going out," I said as soon as I finished fixing my hair and went downstairs in the hall. Ma was sitting with a newspaper in her hands on, what I supposed was our new couch.

"Are you going to take the car?" She asked without turning around.

"Yeah."

"Okay, come home in time for dinner."

"Why?"

"Because I said so."

I didn't even answer, just rolled my eyes before leaving. It took me about ten minutes to get the damn radio to work, for as long as Ive been able to drive, I've always had to have the radio on. The only problem was that the radio in this car sucked balls. 

The journey was fairly quiet and spent the whole went worrying about what to say to Mark. I didn't want to unload all my problems on him and risk looking like a brat, but then, I couldn't really lie considering I already told him that my life was a spiralling mess of despair. 

When I was driving up the road to Mark's house, someone stopped beside my car at the lights. I realised, I knew her. Lauren. I jumped a little and decided to try to avoid eye contact to ensure she wouldn't notice but when I turned around, she was staring right at me. My heart rate accelerated and I felt slightly light headed but I didn't have the time to get over it as the lights changed to green and I was able to drive away. Mark was gonna get some shit for this. 

I parked the car next to his house and got out, locked it then walked to his door and pressed the doorbell. Finally, the door opened and in front of me, was Mark with a pair of sweatpants sitting dangerously low, and nothing else. No shirt, not even a pair of socks. No damn shirt and he was standing there like it was fucking normal. 

"Hey, finished looking?" He said, chuckling.

"I-I wasn't looking," I defended, but the blush that made its way onto my face betrayed me. 

"Right, sure, come on in, it's freezing." He said, still smiling as he stepped aside to let me in. I thanked him as I passed, and I walked in the warmth of the house. I stood there, things were kinda awkward for a few seconds before Mark asked me to take off my shoes and jacket. I did as he told me, but stopped before taking off the first sweatshirt

"Is there anyone else in the house?" I asked.

"No, why?"

I didn't respond, instead I lowered the zipper of my sweatshirt and handed it to him, only leaving the tight sweater I was wearing underneath. I was kinda nervous that he'd think I looked disgusting but his only reaction was a smile and a gesture, telling me to follow him. With a sigh of relief, that I hoped he hadn't noticed, I followed after him down the hall. 

"You want food or something to drink?" He asked, pausing in the doorway leading to the kitchen.

It occurred to me that I hadn't had breakfast and, as if on cue, my stomach let out an embarrassingly loud growl.

"I forgot to eat breakfast," I muttered. 

"Fantastic! You're giving me the opportunity to show you how great I am at making bacon and eggs!" he said with a huge smile as he made his way into the kitchen, still fucking shirtless. If he kept walking around like that I was gonna end up with a very embarrassing situation. 

"Hey, Mark?" I said as I sat down on one of the chairs at the table.

"Mm?"

"A-aren't you gonna get dressed?" I asked stammering slightly.

"I wasn't going to," he said as he took a carton of eggs and a pack of bacon from the fridge.

"Okay then," I said, embarrassed, scratching the back of my neck.

"So, what made you upset enough to call me?" He asked. He was busy cracking a dozen eggs in a pan, without looking at me, but I could tell he was smiling. 

"Some small things, I guess," I said.

"Like what?"

I sighed before getting up from the chair to stand next to him, I preferred seeing someone when I spoke. 

"I've just been really lonely," I began, leaning on the counter, "I mean, I'm used to being alone, but not lately, having to deal with kicks all the time, they're keeping me up at night, so I'm more exhausted than usual and it really sucks to know that I won't have anyone ta speak to at school cause honestly it's where I feel the most alone, and, suddenly, I found out my Ma's boyfriends moving in this morning, she didn't even talk to us, she just kinda sprung it on us and she thinks I'm a fucking whale now too, o think she's startin' to suspect it isn't just weight gain, it's shit 'cause she'll want to take me to the doctor and she'll find out the truth and I'm not ready for that." 

In the end I was close to tears and Mark put his spatula he was holding in his hand, looking at me, partly sad and partly worried.

"You could've called me before, you know," he said pausing briefly.

"No, I couldn't!" I said, the blurred vision because of tears. "You're busy with yer friends and yer girlfriend and yer family and yer football and ya told me to stay away and I don't wanna screw up yer damn life but I feel so fuckin' alone, Mark! I'm going crazy!"

I was crying desperately, tears fell on my cheeks, and to my surprise I was slamming my feet in sheer frustration, not knowing what else to do. I wanted to kick, hit, scream and anything else I could do, because I was just ... me. A pregnant teenager that basically ruined a poor guys life. 

Mark looked extremely concerned, and took a step toward me, cautiously, as if he were walking through a minefield.

"Okay, okay, come here," he said carefully before making a step forward, with his arms around me and pulling me to him. I tried to push him off, coldly, but I couldn't get myself away from him and gave up, letting him hug me. 

"I'm sorry," 

It was peaceful. So quiet and peaceful, Mark almost radiated the feeling. 

We stood there for a couple of minutes, until I realized that his, muscular, bare chest was crushed very close to mine and I squirmed in his arms, until he released me and stepped back.

"Are you okay?" He asked, his hands still on my shoulders. 

I nodded, wiping the last tear that had remained on the cheeks. "Yeah, sorry, I didn't mean ta shout at ya."

"Actually I was waiting for an emotional breakdown," he admitted sheepishly, "I've read about pregnancies on loads of websites and apps and stuff, they said that mood swings and cravings are very common."

"You read something about the pregnancy?" I asked, "Why?"

He shrugged. 

"I thought it would be a good thing, I'd know what was happening to you and how I could help, all of that." 

"That's...actually kinda sweet." I said, smiling slightly. 

"Believe me, not all of what I read was so sweet," he said with a grimace.

"I don't wanna know."

"Oh, so you don't wanna know what the babies born fifteen weeks early are like?" He asked.

"No, thank you," I laughed "especially since that would be our baby if I went into labour now, I don't need somethin' else keeping me up at night."

"Right, right," he said. "Hey, you said 'our baby'," he added calmly.

"Oh yeah, I did," I said, looking at him nervously, "Sorry, I didn't mean ta make it sound like that or make ya uncomfortable."

He said nothing, but he was smiling and his hands slipped from my shoulder and, surprisingly, he guided them to my stomach. I looked at his hands, which were resting gently on my stomach. 

Perhaps it was only me and my hormones, but this was much too intimate for just two friends. 

Hesitantly and very, very slowly, I slid one of my hands close to one of his. My heart was beating like crazy at the thought of what could have caused minimal contact, but somehow my nervousness, for once, gave me a little courage and I allowed my fingers to touch the back of his hand. The second my skin came into contact with his he winced, his hands didn't just twitch, his entire body did and he began to step back. 

I cursed myself internally for making that stupid decision. 

Stupid hormones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...how's about that...
> 
> So, this chapter we've had the return of Felix and Cry (and as we know, they always bring about good things) Ian moving in and some septiplier, I think it was a pretty eventful chapter to say the least! 
> 
> I'm so glad that so many people like this, I didn't expect anyone to really notice it all that much and it's got such a good reception, it inspires me to write so much! Thank you! 
> 
> Have a good day/night wherever you are!


	13. We could cuddle.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Probably your favourite chapter so far.

Saturday, January 26th  
Twenty-two weeks 

Mark looked at me in silence and when I finally found the courage to look up, he was still staring. 

"Sorry, I-I'll go," I stammered frantically, humiliation rising within me. I threw him one last look before turning on my heel and leaving the room, with wobbly and unstable legs. The embarrassment that I felt could be compared to mortification; My mouth was dry, my eyes wide open, my hands trembling...

Why the heck did I do that? Couldn't he touch my stomach without it meaning something? The touch was for the baby, not for me. Obviously they weren't for me. Mark had a girlfriend, a beautiful, albeit kind of possessive, girlfriend who he was in love with, so why did I do that? Why?

I reached the entrance and I slipped on my shoes. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't realise that I was no longer alone and a hand rested on my shoulder. I spun around, letting out a surprised yelp. 

"Sorry," I squeaked, my voice much more quiet than usual.

"You have to stop apologizing for everything," he said, looking at me with a faint smile.

"No-I don't mean, y-you know," I said and swallowed nervously.

"It's okay, it was just a little unexpected," he said with a shrug.

"I don't know why I did it, it must have been an instinctive impulse or somethin'." 

"It's okay, really, now take off your shoes and come back into the kitchen," he said before turning and disappearing into the kitchen.

I took a deep, relieved breath and closed my eyes for a second. I stood there for a while, waiting for my body to calm down, I then followed Mark's instructions and followed after him to the kitchen. 

He was standing at the stove when I entered the kitchen and he was still shirtless. I sat in the same chair that I was sitting in before and sighed internally; did he have any idea how hard it was for me to sit here and look at him like that? 

"The food will be ready in a few minutes," he said, placing the spatula down and looking back at me.

I nodded. "Okay."

"I didn't mean to panic you, I'm sorry," he said after a minute of silence.

"Do not worry, it was my fault. We're okay."

"Really?"

I nodded. "Now, if I could get some food into my stomach, that'd make us more okay."

"That, I can do," he said, smiling as he turned to the pan.

Half an hour and and an awkward conversation about school later, we were in Mark's room again on his bed. Not having the strength to stay sitting up, I was lying on my side in the usual position with one arm under my head and the other resting on my stomach, while Mark was sitting with his back on the headboard and his eyes turned towards me.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

I shifted slightly to be able to watch him without straining my neck. "Yeah." I said. I hesitated for a few brief seconds before adding, nervously, "I'm still sorry fer, you know, touch yer hand, I don't know what came over me."

"It's okay, it was just a little unexpected."

"It won't happen again."

"Really?"

"No," I said.

"I got it. Okay then."

I smiled and was about to lay my head back on the pillow when I thought of something else m. "Hey, Mark?"

"Hm?"

"I ... okay, I don't think you're gonna like it, but I saw Lauren as I was coming here and...she saw me," I bit my lip and looked at him, waiting for a reaction.

"Oh ... well shit," he mumbled.

"I'm really sorry," I said. 

"No, it's ... okay, I guess," he said, running a hand through his hair, "I'll have to spend a day or two apologizing, but it is not your fault, don't worry."

"But I'm still sorry," I said, lowering my voice, "I really don't wanna cause problems fer you two."

"It's okay, Jack," he said with a smile, "she's just really jealous."

"Yeah, I noticed," I said, "Why is that anyway? Just because she thinks you spend too much time with me? "

"I guess so."

"Seems kinda exaggerated," I said shyly, not wanting to anger him.

"Yeah, well, I couldn't escape the fact you're gay, she thought that was a big factor." he said, now it was his turn to be nervous.

My eyes opened wide and swallowed once before saying, more like stammering, "You- Oh, you- okay, you told her. Okay, okay. All right."

"I'm really, really sorry," he said, his tone almost pleading, "I made her promise not tell anyone so..."

"I- you, o-okay," I said, scratching my head. Not many people knew that I was gay, virtually nobody did actually, and for someone like Lauren to know before my family, it was kinda shit. 

"Are you mad at me?"

"No, no, everything's fine," I said quickly and smiled.

"She won't tell, I promise."

"It's all right, really."

"Okay."

I hesitated a few seconds before I open my mouth again, the anxiety, that had again taken possession of my body, disappeared. 

"Mark?"

"Yes, Jack?"

"Look, I've already asked three times, but the first two times we have stopped before me to give me an answer, and the last time got pissed," I began, swallowing nervously, "I- I want to know because, I want to be honest with you, if you're straight I'm pretty confused by why you fucked me."

"So you're asking me if I'm gay," he interrupted me, "again."

"Sorry, sorry," I said, my face turned red, "I just want an answer, once and for all."

To my relief, he smiled, and then sighed softly. "Okay, then I will clarify once and for all," he said, "I am not gay, I'm not bisexual, pansexual are not or anything else that indicates I'm attracted to boys."

I swallowed hard to get rid of the lump of pure disappointment that quickly rose in my throat. "Why did ya fuck me then?" I said, luckily managing to maintain a normal tone of voice.

"As for the reason why I fucked you, I have no idea," he continued, "The best guess is that I was very drunk and very excited, I don't know how I could explain it otherwise." 

Okay Mark was in no way attracted to boys, I didn't mind that too much but I wish that he'd given me a ... well, a gentler explanation of why he had fucked me. 

Even if it was a lie, it would be better to be told they had done it because he thought I looked good or something like that, not that he was horny and drunk and found the easiest target; me. I felt used and sick and kind of disgusting. 

"Yeah, okay," I said at last, without looking at Mark, remembering that Cry and Felix said I had the tendency to let my facial expressions betray me. 

"You look sad," he said, and I felt him put a warm hand on my arm.

"No, it's just that it was kind of a lousy way ta lose my virginity" I said with a shrug and an unconvincing smile. It was only half a lie. And he didn't need to know that. 

"Not quite as you imagined, right?"

"Not exactly, no," I said.

"How would you have wanted it to be?"

I blinked. "What?"

"How would you have liked it to be? Your first time with a guy, I mean."

I frowned and sat up slightly, making him move his hand. "Why do you ask?" 

"I'm curious." He said, smiling wide. 

"Oh, okay, I think it would've been nice ta know the guy an' fer it to be a little more gentle and on a bed, not Felix's lawn. It would be nice if he remembered it an' if I actually woke up with the guy instead of just a hangover." I felt like a complete idiot after what I said and buried my face even deeper into the pillow in an attempt to hide the blush that crept slowly onto my face.

A few seconds later, I heard Mark sigh loudly and he placed his hand on my arm. 

"I'm really sorry that I took that from you." He said softly, moving his hand up to play with my hair.

"It's okay," I said, relaxing at his touch, "My memory of it is kinda hazy, I can just pretend I'm a virgin if I meet a guy someday."

"When."

"What?"

"When you meet another guy, not if."

"Oh. Right."

A peaceful silence fell soon after. Mark continued to play with my hair and I kept trying to get rid of the disappointment I was feeling. Obviously he wasn't even the slightest bit attracted to me, I could live with that. Yeah, I could. Wait. No, I couldn't. 

"Y'know, even though I can't take back what happened, I can cuddle"

I looked up and frowned. "What?"

"We could cuddle," he said, uncertainly. "You know, if you want."

"Y-you would cuddle with me?"

"Yeah, if you want."

"Well, I-I-no, that ... that's fine, but ya don't have'ta," I stammered, my heart beating a hundred miles per hour.

He smiled. "Okay, turn around," he said.

"What? Why?"

"Cause we're gonna spoon, duh," he said, lying on his side, "So turn around."

"But w-we can't po-"

"Yes, we can, now turn around before I make you" he interrupted, rolling his eyes, he was smiling though. 

I swallowed, knowing that It'd be better to get out of the bed and go home, but of course I didn't. With a sigh, and a lot of effort, I turned so that my back was facing him, and I heard him move towards me until he found himself with his chest on my back and his entire body pressed up against mine. I took a deep breath, wishing for my breathing to return to normal and then I felt him wrap an arm around my waist and he placed his hand on my stomach. 

"Calm down, Jack," he murmured into my hair, "You're too tense."

"Sorry, I'm not used to this," I said.

"Relax, I'm not going to hurt you."

"I know you won't," I said with a weak smile.

"Well, then calm down, okay? We're just cuddling, it's not scary." 

Not for you, maybe. "Yeah, all right."

Having Mark pressed up against me was weird and great at the same time, he was warm and comfortable, then again it's kinda hard to concentrate on going to sleep with his dick against my ass. 

"Are you okay now?" He muttered sleepily a few minutes later. 

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said with a sigh.  
It felt like I was there for a long time when I had the courage to reach up and laced our fingers together. 

This time, he didn't flinch. 

Thursday, January 31st  
Twenty-three weeks.

I was standing looking at my reflection in the mirror, my shirt thrown to the ground and a sad expression on my face. It was much more depressing to see me without my shirt as every stretch mark was so fucking visible. 

Okay, I didn't have many of them. I had one, and it was as long as my thumb nail but that didn't mean it wasn't going to get bigger. My belly was much more obvious now, with or without a shirt, and within a month or two, I'd probably have to tell my Ma, and Juliet and -to my disappointment- Ian. 

My stomach twisted at the thought, but I took a deep breath and made a small nod to my reflection, as if to encourage myself.

"Hey, Jackie! Ma says you have to come downstairs, she wants ta talk ta y-whoa!"

I almost tripped over my own feet im my rush to get the sweatshirt but it was too late. She'd seen. My breath caught in my throat out of sheer fear and I couldn't find the courage to turn around to face Juliet.

Shit, shit, shit. How could I explain that my stomach was swollen, while the rest of my body was completely normal? What was I supposed to say.

"Sean?" She said shyly after a long silence, I could tell she was worried, she never called my by my real name unless she was worried, or making fun of me but that didn't apply. "W-what's wrong with yer stomach?"

"Nothing," I croaked, "Forget it, please."

I heard the door close, and for a moment I thought that for once she'd finally listened to me, but then she spoke again.

"Are you sick?" She asked, "honestly, that didn't look good."

"I'm fine, Jules," I said, "Forget it, tell Ma I'll be down in a couple of minutes."

"No, Sean, you're my baby brother and I wanna-"

"Juliet! For fuck's sake!" I yelled, Interrupting her. 

"Okay, sorry," she said acidly, and a few seconds later I heard the door open and then slam shut.

I took a deep shuddering breath, staying where I was until I calmed completely.

There was no way that Juliet suspected the truth about my abnormal stomach, but she wasn't stupid, she knew something was wrong. What if she told my Ma what she saw? It would have been terrible. 

I wasn't ready to show her again or explain it, I needed a few weeks to prepare myself for that. So, I got out of bed and stumbled downstairs. Juliet was sitting there with crossed arms and a frown on her face but my Ma smiled.

"How was your day at school?" She asked when I went to the fridge and took out a carton of orange juice. 

I shrugged. "Boring, the usual," I said before bringing the carton to my lips and taking three big gulps.

"Honestly, Jack," said Ma, looking at me with resignation in her eyes, "can't you just use a cup?"

"Sorry," I said as I put the juice back in the fridge, "Juliet told me ya wanted to talk," I added before she could continue her rebuke. 

"No, it was not anything in particular, I just wanted to ask you how you were," she said, "I never speak to you anymore, you're always in your room or at school or out, I don't even know what's going on with you anymore."

"I'm fine," I said, "I'm just studying, I'm okay." 

"If there's something wrong, you'd tell me right?" Maybe I was just being paranoid, but for a moment I swore she looked at my stomach. 

I felt a little uncomfortable but I forced a smile. "Sure."

But as soon as I turned to leave the kitchen, I felt Juliet's eyes burning a hole in the back of my head and I knew very well that I wouldn't be able to maintain this façade for a long time.

Sunday, 3rd February  
Twenty-four weeks and six days

"So basically, you're fucked?" Mark looked at me with his mouth turned downwards. 

I sighed and nodded, slightly changing position because of the arm under my head was starting to hurt. 

"More or less."

We were lying on my bed, I on my side and Mark on his back next to me. Juliet had gone to play Soccer and Ma and Ian had gone out on a 'date night', so for once the house was empty, which is why I called Mark and asked him to come. We hadn't talked in since the last time, we hadn't even acknowledged each other but I was able to gather the courage to call him, and now here we were. 

I had just told him about the incident with Juliet and he'd reacted with wide eyes and an open mouth. 

"But your mom knows?" He asked.

"No, I don't think so."

"You don't think so? What do you mean?"

"I don't know," I said with a sigh, "I think she's starting ta suspect somethin's up."

"Yeah, I don't see what the problem is though."

"Yeah, well, the main problem is that I'm not ready to tell her.

"But are you going to?"

"I don't think I have much choice. Maybe you haven't noticed, but I'm startin' ta get giant."

He smiled. "Believe it or not, the bump looks good on you, you look great."

It was a completely innocent compliment, but my cheeks still turned bright red and my heart fluttered. "Thanks," 

"You're so easily embarrassed" he said in an amused tone in his voice.

"I'm not easily embarrassed, I just ... I've never had to deal with compliments," I said, raising my eyebrows at him. 

"You haven't?"

I smiled wryly. "I have no friends, remember?"

The smile on his face disappeared and his expression became almost ... sad. "I really don't understand why," he said, "It's nice being with you, I wish I'd known that sooner, I would've talked to you before all this."

"Yeah, it's kinda sad ta think that it took getting pregnant for me to get anything resembling a social life." I said, trying to lighten the mood. 

"It's sad that nobody noticed you before, you're great." He said.

"Maybe we shouldn't talk 'bout that."

"About what?"

"About me and my friends, or lack of them," I said, "We've already had this conversation, and we ended up yelling at each other."

He smiled wrong. "Okay, we won't talk about it." 

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Hm. So, what's up with Lauren? "

He raised his eyebrows. "You wanna know what's up with Lauren?"

"Sure," I said, ignoring the voice in my head that kept repeating liar, liar. "You and I are-"

"We're friends," he said, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, we're friends and you have a girlfriend, so am I not allowed to ask how yer relationship is?" I asked. 

"Yeah, I think you're allowed," he said, looking at me with obvious amusement, "but you don't seem interested in Lauren."

"Well, I'm interested in you," my eyes widened in horror as soon as the words flowed out of my mouth because, well, I never meant to say it out loud. I felt my face flare up and I instantly buried my head in the pillow. "I didn't mean that." I mumbled into the pillow.

"It's really funny how easily you get embarrassed," he said, laughing.

"I get embarrassed when the situation warrants it, this situation definitely does."

"Why? Because did you said that you're interested in me?" He asked, and I felt him move a little beside me. "You know," he continued as he put an arm around my waist and his hand found its way down to my stomach, "I'm interested in you, and the little nameless." 

I bit my lip to keep myself from smiling. 

He was interested in me, he'd just said - bluntly - that he cared about me. The familiar feeling of butterflies in my stomach took possession of my body and, instead of answering with words, I put my hand over his and squeezed his fingers slightly.

"Hey, Jack," he said after a brief silence.

"Yeah?"

"Did you ever think of a name?" He said hesitantly.

"A name?" I asked, a little confused.

"Yes, for the baby."

"Oh," I said, frowning. 

"Considering we're putting her up for adoption, no." 

"Right, adoption," he repeated, thoughtfully.

"Something wrong?"

He paused for a few seconds, but then I heard him sigh. "It's nothing. So, you haven't even thought about a name? "

"No, why? Have you?"

"Only a few," he said.

I smiled. 

"What are you thinking?"

"Nothing in particular, just that it would be nice to give her two names."

"Hm, yes," I agreed, "I have two names."

"Yeah? What's the second?"

"William," I said with a chuckle, "And you? Do you have a middle name?"

"Maybe."

"What is it?"

"I'm not telling."

"Why not?" I asked, shoving his leg with one foot.

"It's a stupid name."

"My middle name is William, for God's sake," I said, "So tell me."

"Oh well," he muttered, "But if you laugh I'm pulling that tuft of green hair right out your head"

"I got it."

"Good. Okay, my full name is; Mark Edward Fischbach."

"You think that's bad?" I said, "I thought ya were gonna say Jebediah."

"Is that an actual name?"

"I dunno, I heard it in a movie once."

"For the good of the children, I sincerely hope that it doesn't."

"I agree with you."

"Thank you," he laughed, "Okay, then, since we're on the subject, what would you like to call the baby if you kept it?"

I sighed. "We're really going to talk about names? This is difficult enough."

"I know, but I want to, at least, pretend."

"Pretend what?"

"That we're gonna, you know, keep her."

"I don't wanna talk about it," I said in a hoarse voice, after swallowing once, "it's already hard enough for me, I don't wanna pretend cause it's gonna make it harder to make the right decision when it comes to it, I need ta do what's best fer her." 

"Okay, sorry, I give up," he murmured, using his thumb to pat my hand gently, "Are you tired?"

"I''m always tired." I replied.

"Do you wanna get some sleep '?"

"Is that okay"

"Of course," he mumbled, "I'm really tired to tell you the truth."

"Oh," I said, disappointed, "Are ya going home?"

"I could, but I thought I could sleep here, if that's okay."

My disappointment was quickly replaced by joy and I smiled to myself. "I don't mind," I said.

He sighed happily and tightened his grip around my waist. It took several minutes before I felt his breath on the back of my neck, but instead of finding it annoying and uncomfortable, I found it comforting to know that Mark was there, sleeping pressed against me. With a smile at the corners of my lips and fingers still intertwined with Mark's, I fell into a deep sleep.

It was about an hour later before I woke up again, however, I had the odd feeling I wasn't the only one awake. There was nothing unusual in my room, Mark's arm was in the same place as when I fell asleep (as was the rest of his body). 

Then I felt him shift and there was something pressed against my, oh God. 

Oh God. No, I took a deep breath to calm myself, in an attempt to ... well, do anything, I squirmed, which proved to be a mistake. This action only made my ass rub against his dick. 

"Mark," I whispered, my voice slightly hoarse, "Mark," I called again when I received no response, I nudged his leg carefully. 

"Hm?" He muttered as he moved forwards, forcing me to stifle a groan. 

"Y-your, um-" I stopped. How the hell was I going to tell him that his erection was rubbing against my ass? I couldn't just come out with that! I mean, I could, but I wouldn't dare to. 

He was silent for a few seconds, and I almost thought he was going to fall back asleep, but then his whole body stiffened and let out a quiet "Oh"

Neither of us moved a muscle; I didn't know why, but my heart was beating right out of my chest and I wasn't sure if it was mortification, excitement or something else. I concentrated on adjusting my breathing as much as possible, hoping he wouldn't notice anything strange and would do something soon, because I definitely wasn't gonna.

Eventually he moved, fortunately, but not away. What he did do was press even closer to my back while starting to move his hand on my belly in a circular motion. 

My breath got stuck in my throat when I realized what he was doing and I bit the inside of my cheek, breathing heavily through my nose. He ran his hand slowly down over my stomach, until it reached the edge of the sweater I was wearing, where his fingers slipped under the fabric.

"Is this okay?" He whispered, his lips brushing against my neck.

"Yeah." I nodded, unable to worry about what was happening to my body under his touch, he pulled me back against him. 

While continuing to press against me, he pulled my sweater up far enough for my stomach to be exposed. In any other circumstance, I would feel incredibly fat and disgusting, but with Mark so close to me, his clothed erection pressing against me and his hand caressing my stomach as if it were the most precious thing in the world, I wasn't able to feel anything but excitement.

He let out a groan as he pressed a gentle kiss on the back of my neck. Then another, and this time, I leaned my head back to allow him better access, moaning and trembling, waiting. 

I'd never experienced anything like this in my life. 

I had never tried anything like this before, but when Mark's kisses turned into small pinches and small bites, I thought that I could get used to it. 

My hand shot back and gripped onto Mark's hair, it was as soft as it looked, which he seemed to appreciate, I could tell when he suddenly bucked his hips forward and I could feel how hard he was, he let out a soft groan. 

He slid his hands higher than where my sweater was rolled up to and started to move his hand on my chest. The second his hand brushed my nipples, I involuntarily arched my back and let out a sudden moan. 

Were my nipples always that sensitive? It seemed that my reaction had encouraged him and, when he found a nipple with his fingers, he began to pinch it lightly, making me almost choke on my own breath. He kept pinching them, rubbing them and it was absolute bliss.

He soon drew his hand away and leaned over, attacking my neck once again but his other hand was still there; it was still on the bump, rubbing it calmly in circular motions and I couldn't comprehend how he could be calm about this at all. He soon unattached himself from my neck, drawing back and he slowly pulled my head back onto his chest and I let go of his hair. 

After that, I spent some time trying to catch my breath. Trying to comprehend what happened. Then turned to look at Mark who was softly snoring. He was probably gonna remember this, he was going to react badly, I knew that. He'd literally just done all of that after claiming, twice now, that he was one hundred percent straight. Why? What the fuck?

I call bullshit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...that happened. Finally we have some progression (by some, I mean a lot) but let's be honest, this is fanfiction and nothing is as straight forward as that, right ;)? 
> 
> So, to start something; let's discuss names! What names do you like for little nameless :)? 
> 
> Have a good day/night!


	14. I didn't mean to hurt you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark makes a massive mistake and Jack is terrified. Jack finally tells. little nameless refuses to kick.

For a whole week after the incident in my room, I avoided Mark as if he was the plague and I was sure that he had done the same thing with me. 

If I saw him in the hallways at school, I turned and began to run somewhere else if I saw him at the table, I would go away and try to find somewhere else to eat and if I could see him somewhere else outside of school, I hid behind a building or a tree. Sometimes it was hard; trying to convince Dodger I was crouching behind a tree because I was looking for phone signal was bad enough. 

Then there was the hickey's; dodger was the first and last to notice them, she's happily loaned me her concealer and taught me how to use it. She didn't question what was going on, not once, but I knew that she knew. 

I felt incredibly childish running away from him, and I wasn't usually the most mature anyway, but also felt it was the right thing to do. 

An hour after it happened, Mark had bolted upright and almost jumped out of the bed, he began pulling on his jacket and shoved his glasses, which he'd placed on my bedside table, into his pocket and was frantic. 

"This never happened." He turned around and told me and seemed to chant it like a mantra as he quickly left. 

What was I supposed to do? Walk up to him and act like it was fine? What would I say?

I had no idea so I decided to avoid it at all costs.

The only problem was that I longed to be able to get some answers about what happened. 

It was especially sad and disheartening to go to another appointment without him and I almost hoped he would show up despite our .. well, whatever it was, but obviously he didn't. I sat there alone while Dr. Hayes performed an ultrasound, asking me questions about my health and various other things, and it was all so wrong. 

I wanted Mark to be there with me, but because of my damned hormones, he wasn't. Stupid fucking hormones. 

Tuesday, February 23rd.  
Twenty-six weeks.

As I reached my twenty-sixth week, I felt more like a hippo than a man, and I knew that Juliet, Ma and Ian had begun to notice it. None of them said anything about it, but I could see the glances they gave me when they thought I wasn't looking; Juliet seemed suspicious, my Ma seemed worried and Ian just seemed plain confused. 

I couldn't blame any of them and no matter how many lies I told, it didn't hide nor change the fact that the rest of my body stayed more or less the same while my stomach was growing more and more every day. I knew I had to tell the truth soon but for now, it was a secret. A secret that six other people knew about. 

Although it didn't hide much, I put two sweaters, a huge jacket and even a bulky scarf on when I went to school that morning. It was only on , and the air was still cold so I let out a dig of relief that I could still wear layers. 

Spring was approaching slowly and soon it would begin to get warm, I would no longer be able to hide my stomach with clothes. I couldn't stop thinking about what I could do during the next few months the but nothing came to mind. 

The two lessons before lunch, math and history, passed more slowly than usual, I was about to fall and I was about to fall asleep when the bell rang, announcing that it was time for lunch, I got up with slow, heavy movements. 

My plan was to try to locate Mark before my next lesson began and the first thing i did was head for the lockers. When I arrived, I saw a group of people, but none of them had bright red hair and a fucking perfect smile on their face. 

With a sigh, I left the locker area and went to the canteen, in hopes he was there. But nope. I didn't find him there either. I finally decided that the only other place he could be was the football field, I spun around and left the canteen, passing down the hallways in search for Mark. 

Just as I entered a completely empty hall and turned the corner, I saw five people walking in the distance, away from me. Even from a distance I recognized the scruffy hair on Cry's head and Felix's blonde hair, Ken's brown hair; the shortest of them all, Mark's red hair and...red curls. Lauren. 

"Mark!" I called when I found myself no more than ten meters away from them.  
All five turned at the same time. Lauren stared at me, Cry offered me a nod, Felix and Ken looked at me with big smiles and Mark...he turned away and began walking, much to Lauren's pleasure. My heart sank to my stomach, but nevertheless continued to follow him and the others followed me. 

"Mark, we need to talk," I said.

"I'm sorry, I don't wanna talk to you," He taunted, still walking and still with his back turned towards me.

"Come on Mark, please."

"Go away, I have nothing to say to you."

"I really need to talk to you."

"I don't care."

"Please, just five minutes."

"You can't fucking accept no for an answer, can you?"

I swallowed, noting the anger in his voice.

"N-no."

"For fuck's sake!"

"Please."

"No!"

"Mark, just-"

"Jack, was it?" Lauren asked smugly. "Look, I'm kind of tired of you bugging us, maybe you should take a hint, wait, here's one."

The next thing that happened was that Lauren punched me. The first thing I felt was a stinging pain on my cheek, then a throbbing pain on my nose and then the pain on my jaw. Then, I heard Cry yelling. 

"What the hell, are you fucking crazy?" 

Mark turned and it seemed like he aimed to push my chest, to push me away from him. He hit my stomach. 

My eyes widened in sheer terror for a moment, but then a sharp pain clouded my vision for a second, and with a broken cry, I fell to the ground, covering my stomach in defence The pain vanished quickly, but I didn't dare to move; the fear was still present. While I was still crouching on the floor with my arms wrapped around myself, a sign of protection, I looked up meeting Mark's eyes. 

"Stop," I whined, "Please stop."

"He just pushed you," I heard Lauren giggle, "That isn't-"

"Lauren, shut up, fuck off and don't come back!" I heard Felix snap. 

"I'm sorry? I don't think you have the right t-"

"Now!"

After a couple of seconds and several expletives, I heard the sound of her heels smacking on the floor as she walked away with quick steps. As soon as the door slammed shut, three different voices began screaming different things at the same time.

"Are you crazy?" Ken screamed. 

"What the hell's going through your mind, Mark?" Cry shouted.

"He's six months pregnant!" Felix yelled. "Are you fucking outta your mind?"

My eyes were still fixed on Mark, who seemed to have gone completely paralyzed, staring at me with an expression of sheer terror on his face. I stared back at him, trying to understand what had just happened. He could have hurt her. 

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I hissed, anger clouded my thoughts. 

"I-I don't know," he stammered.

"You could've killed her, shit like that kills babies," I whispered intensely, "for all I know, she could already be dead!"

My heart squeezed painfully and when I thought of it even being a possibility. What if she died? What if my baby was dead?

My baby.

No, she couldn't be dead, couldn't be.

"I will not lose her, Mark" I continued, my voice hoarse, "And if I do, I swear to God, I'll never forgive you."

He swallowed. "Please don't-"

"Shut up, Mark," Cry spoke, he was breathing heavily then stood in front of me, almost protectively. Suddenly I felt someone grab my waist from behind.

"We need to get to the bathroom and clean you up," said Felix from my left and I turned my head to meet his gaze. "You have blood on your face," he added as an explanation. 

It was only then that I noticed the wet and sticky blood that had been dripping from my nose and was now smudged all over my face. 

"I think that's a good idea," I murmured, using his arms to give me a boost to lift myself up off the floor and Ken rushed to grab onto my arm to assist. I turned to Mark again and saw him with a guilty expression on his face and obvious fear in his eyes. 

"Jack I-" he began, his voice a little subdued, but I shook my head to stop him.

"Don't talk to me," I muttered.

He opened his mouth, obviously to continue his plea, but I started talking again before he had a chance to do so.

"You know, I could forgive ya if you'd been the one that punched me" I said, "But ya hit me in the stomach and I'm fuckin' pregnant with yer baby! Are ya outta yer damn mind?"

He didn't have time to respond - not that I want to hear what he had to say - before Felix squeezed harder on my arm, and pulled me along the hall.

"Cry, are you -" Felix began walking hesitantly, looking at Cry who was still in the same stance as before. 

"Yeah, yeah, sure, I'm coming."

With one last glance towards Mark, I allowed the boys to take me to the nearest bathroom which was further than expected, thankfully the three of them crowded me and nobody could see anything. 

My mind was completely fogged as I walked, and I wasn't able to formulate a sensible sentence, my head was occupied with one thing; my baby. My little girl. 

The moment we entered the bathroom, my whole body began to tremble and had it hadn't been for Felix then I would have fallen. 

"Okay, okay, calm down," Ken and Felix repeated it as they brought me to one of the walls. 

Calmly and slowly, they made me sit on the floor, my legs fully extended and my back against the wall. Felix and Cry made their way to the taps with handkerchiefs and soaked them with water then came back to me. They started to clean the blood off my face, like parents looking after their wounded child. I just sat there, staring ahead, beyond them, wondering if someone would say something. The silence was killing me. 

"I can't believe that happened" I finally said, trembling.

"Yeah, me neither," muttered Cry. "I-Is she okay?"

I looked down at my stomach, which seemed the same as always, and I carefully placed my hands on my stomach. 

"I don't know," I said, my voice barely audible, "Oh God, she can't be dead, Cry, she didn't get a chance," I continued, looking at Cry with pleading eyes, begging him to say anything, tell me everything was alright. "I can't lose her, not - not before she even had a chance, I can't lose her, I can't, I can't, I can't." I was like a broken record, I couldn't say anything but those two words, it was all I could think about. 

Cry and Felix stared at each other for a second, completely unable to think of anything to do or say. Felix then shifted his gaze to my stomach and then back to my face. 

"Please just tell me that she's fine," I prayed, and none of them showed any sign of wanting to say something.

"I-I can't guarantee it, she probably is" Felix muttered after what seemed an infinity of time, "I hope she is but I- I'm not sure."

I stiffened my jaw, trying to convince myself that I wouldn't succumb to the terror that was circling my mind. 

"She has to be good," I muttered.

I looked down to where my hands were laid on my belly, and I bit my lip.

"You have to be okay," I said, with a quiet voice, as if speaking any louder would hurt her. "I know that I'm gonna give ya up for adoption soon after yer born and we'll never see each other again but you can't die, not twelve weeks before yer born, ya hear me, baby? Ya can't die!"

Minutes later I was still sitting there, my head hanging low, while Cry tried to clean the last remaining spots of blood off of my face. I didn't say anything and the room was completely surrounded by an unnatural silence, except for the gurgling sounds coming from the pipes along the wall and ceiling. After a while they both got up and went toward the trashcan, throwing in red handkerchiefs. I raised my head from my lap and I saw them standing at the sinks with Ken, seemingly whispering amongst each other. Every so often they turned to look at me. Eventually they stopped doing it and returned back to where I was sitting and knelt in front of me.

"Jack, can you...can you tell us what happened?"

"What?" I asked raising both eyebrows.  
"Are you talking about why I had ta talk ta Mark, why Mark lashed out or why I was actin' like a crazy person and talking to my stomach?"

"Why the hell would Mark do that?" Cry said, frowning, "I've known Mark since we were kids, he's never let anybody get hit and he wouldn't push anyone, especially when they're six months pregnant, hell, I think the only time I've seen Mark hurt someone was when he's playing football." 

I swallowed. I couldn't tell them what had happened that day in my room. If Mark had suddenly gotten mad at me for what had happened, what he would do if he found out I told his best friends? He'd probably come after me fully armed. 

"I can't say," I muttered.

"Why not?"

"Because it's very likely that he'll kill me," I said with a chuckle.

"Mark?" Cry asked.

I nodded.

"We really shouldn't say, but he's been in a real bad mood lately, we didn't really know what to say to him. " Ken shrugged. 

I bit my lip and ran a hand through my hair.

"It's just that .. Last month something happened," I said after a long pause.

"What happened?" Felix asked immediately. 

I shook my head.

"I can't tell ya. It's something that doesn't concern ya and it doesn't matter anyway."

It didn't matter to them, at least; to me, it mattered a lot actually.

"Please," said Felix, staring at me with big eyes, "We just want to know what's wrong with him, we want our friend back, not whatever this is, that wasn't Mark."

"No, I can't say. Ask them to him personally," I said firmly.

"We tried, but he just told us to shut up about it," Cry said, shrugging. He turned his head to Felix who then nodded. "Did you guys kiss?"

"No," I said immediately.

Well, it wasn't a lie. So far in my relationship with the jackass that was Mark, he'd fucked me on Felix's lawn and given me so many hickey's that I had to get Dodger to cover them until they disappeared but we hadn't kissed.

"No, we haven't kissed."

They sighed together.

"You're not gonna tell us no matter what we do, right?" Asked Ken and I shook my head. 

"Sorry, but no."

Cry sighed again then pushed up his mask and smiled. 

"Okay, okay."

He got up and held out a hand.

"Come here, I'll give you a hand," he said.

It took about a minute to get me up on my feet and I could still feel my cheek throbbing. 

"Shit, it hurts." I mumbled and lifted a hand gently touching my cheek, "Did she really hit that hard?"

"Lauren's pretty strong, she did kickboxing for five years so...I wouldn't pick fights with her."

"You're probably gonna have a few bruises."

"Great," I said with a sigh, thinking about how I'd have to explain to my mother how this happened - more like lie about what happened. 

"You should see a doctor to make sure everything's okay," Ken said with a nod toward my stomach.

"Yeah, I have an appointment on March 9th."

"That's two weeks from now," Felix said, frowning, "You should go before then."

"If she's dead, I doubt that I can do anything wether I go today or I go in two weeks." I said abruptly, suddenly feeling angry again. 

They looked at each other for a couple of seconds before Cry sighed. 

"The decision is yours, but .. give us a call or something else if something happens, wether it's good or bad, okay?" He said.

"I don't have your numbers."

"I'll give you them, come on, give me your phone," said Felix, grabbing my hand.  
I hesitated a little, but then reached into my pocket, unlocked it and handed it to him. He began tapping at my phone while we waited in silence. 

"Done," said Felix and handed me back the phone, "call us or message us or something, okay?"

I nodded. "All right."

"Okay, fine," Cry said.

"We should go, we have class but if you-" 

"No, that's fine," I interrupted, gesturing with my hand briskly, "Just...tell Mark I don't wanna see him, not now, maybe not ever."

They looked at each other for a second, after which Cry turned to me. 

"We'll tell him, but ... if he really wants to talk to you, and I'm more than certain that he will, he won't care anything about the fact that you don't want to talk to him."

"Just tell him that I'm not gonna talk to him, okay?"

"Yeah, all right."

Wednesday, February 24th  
Twenty-six weeks

Apparently, Cry was right because the next night, someone knocked on my bedroom door. I lifted my head from the pillow. 

"Come in," I said, looking up at the door. It opened and in came Mark. 

"Okay, I changed my mind," I said the second I realised it was him. "Do not enter. Go away."

"We need to talk," he said cautiously as he closed the door and walked towards the center of the room, completely ignoring what I said before. 

"No, I don't want to" I said firmly, "Get out."

He sighed and walked toward me sitting at the end of the bed. For a couple of seconds, he just looked at me, with apparent remorse in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," he finally said.

I laughed, not being able to contain myself.

"You're sorry? Oh that's all good, don't fucking worry about the fact that at the next appointment they're gonna tell me that they can't find my baby's pulse."

His face immediately turned white.

"S-she's n-n-not, I-I d-didn't-" he stammered, seemingly only able to formulate gibberish. 

"I don't know," I replied before positioning myself on the other side, my face turned to the wall. "Go away, Mark, I don't wanna talk to ya, not now and maybe not ever again if she's gone, ya let yer fucking awful girlfriend hit me then hit me yerself, I could understand her but not you."

"You can't tell me I might've killed my daughter then tell me to fuck off."

"Yes I can, because this is my house, I don't want you in it, go away."

My voice was surprisingly calm, but my insides were on fire, almost boiling with rage. Unless he left very, very soon there would be tears and there would be screaming. One or the other. In addition to being inhumanly pissed off with him, I was also scared to death because, despite it being twenty-four hours after the incident, I hadn't felt anything, not even a kick. 

"I didn't mean to do it," he said a little hesitantly, "I was scared, I thought you were gonna tell Lauren and the guys and I felt like I had to drive you off, I tried to go for your chest, not your stomach, I didn't mean to do it so hard, shit." 

"Do you think I'm stupid?" I said, calm as ever, "I never said a word to anyone, why would I when you're clearly not comfortable with it?"

There couple of seconds of complete silence and all I heard was Mark's breathing. Why wouldn't he just leave? I wanted him to go away. I couldn't even look at him right now never mind talk to him. 

"I should've known," he said quietly, "you're a good guy, you never would've, I should've known."

"That's not the point, Mark," I said, "the point is that you did it, even if you were one hundred percent sure I was gonna say something you still shouldn't have hurt me, get out."

"But-"

"No, Mark. Get out! I-I'll let you know what happens as soon as I know."

"I want to come to the doctor with you," he said afterwards.

I gritted my teeth, I rolled onto my back and propped myself up on my elbows. 

"What part of 'I don't want to see you', do you not understand?"

"I understand, but-"

"Well, then go away and don't talk ta me unless I say it's okay"

"No Ja-"

"For fuck's sake!" I burst out, "your girlfriend punched me, you hit my stomach and I haven't felt her kick since yesterday, do ya seriously think I can forgive ya just like that? My daughter, my baby girl, could be dead and, newsflash, it would be yer fault!"

"She's my daughter too," he muttered.

"No, she's not, she deserves better than that." I spat, "now do me a great service and fuck off." 

He looked at me with sad eyes for another second, but then he got up, turned around and left the room. As soon as he closed the door, I collapsed onto the pillows. 

Maybe I'd been hard on him but could you blame me? My baby girl could be dead and he would've caused it. I slowly began to rub my stomach.

"You're not dead," I whispered, eyes still trained on the ceiling above me, "You're alive, strong and happy, right?"

There was no answer. 

*

Friday, February 26th  
Twenty-six weeks 

I was sitting in the cafeteria, alone as always, my chin rested on my hand as I picked slowly at the food. I'd been here a few minutes and my mind was starting to go places when I felt someone touch my shoulder, snapping me out of my thoughts. 

"Huh?" I turned my head to find Ken, Cry and Felix staring at me.

"Are you okay?" Asked Ken, "It looked like you were about to fall asleep."

"I'm fine," I said, giving him a forced smile. "I'm just tired."

"Do you mind if we sit here?" Cry asked, pointing to the empty seat next to me.

"Of course not," I said, and although I was a little surprised, I tried not to show it.

Felix and Ken sat on the opposite side of the table, while Cry chose the seat right next to mine. Then there was silence while they looked at me. After a few seconds, feeling uncomfortable, I coughed.

"Is there a problem?" I asked.

"That's what we were gonna ask you," said Felix, "You didn't call or send any texts or anything to tell us how the baby is."

"Because there's no news," I muttered.

Three days had passed since the incident and for three days I hadn't felt even a kick. 

On Wednesday night, I was able to sleep pretty well, waking only once. 

Then all Thursday passed without any movement and Thursday night, I had spent at least three hours talking to my belly, begging her to give me any kind of indication to show me she was still alive and that she was good. But nothing happened and when I finally managed to fall asleep at about four in the morning I had nightmares. Nothing happened but my stomach seemed to reject just about everything I ate, I'd spent the morning in a familiar position on Friday morning but this time I was holding my stomach and crying throughout it, begging for my baby to be alive. God, she had to be. 

"So?" Ken asked.

"So there's no news," I said, "No bad news and no good news."

Cry looked to me. "No good news," he repeated, "So you haven't felt...a kick or something?"

I swallowed to get rid of the lump in my throat before I shook my head. 

"No, nothing," I muttered.

No one said anything for a few seconds and I looked up, only to see two pairs of wide eyes that were staring at me and Cry was clearly staring, I knew that - even if I couldn't see his face. 

"You have to go to the doctor," Felix said.

I shook my head. "I can't."

"Why not?"

"What if she's dead?" I whispered, "what if she's gone?"

"I'm sure she isn't, she's okay," Cry said.

I shook my head. "You don't know that."

"No, I don't-"

"I need her to be alive," I interrupted, "she has to be."

Everyone was silent again but Cry soon broke the silence. 

"You really love her," he said.

I frowned. "Who?"

"The baby."

I smiled a little. 

"Of course I do," I said, "it doesn't matter how abnormal this is, how bad the back pains are or how fat she makes me, she's my little girl, of course I love her."

"Yeah, she's your daughter, this is kinda strange but I think we understand." Felix said with a soft smile. 

I smiled again, but then the smile vanished quickly.

"Maybe I should start talking about her in past tense now, she was my little girl."

"What?"

I groaned inwardly before I looked up to find Mark standing a couple of meters away from the table as he stared at me with sheer terror on his face. Lauren was standing next to him, she was happily engaged in a conversation with a girl who I didn't know the name of, but she didn't seem to notice her boyfriend staring at me the way he was. 

I swallowed and muttered a quick "I have to go" before getting up from the chair without looking at Mark again, I walked through the halls as quickly as possible, which to be honest was basically a snails pace. 

I had two more classes before the day was over, but I couldn't bear to stay there for another two hours, completely alone for English and Biology. I took a deep breath when I put one foot out in the fresh air, my hot cheeks cooled slightly as a cold wind blew on my face. 

The streets were still kind of frozen, and it took me a while to get home, but in the end I found myself at the front door ... only to realize that I had left the keys on the desk in my room where I'd put them the day before. I groaned inwardly and I was about to pull out my phone to call my mother when-

"Jack!"

And things continued to get worse.

I was about to cry with frustration, anger and annoyance, I turned and saw Mark walking towards me with quick steps.

"I'm not in the mood now," I said, as soon as I was sure he could hear me.

"Not in the mood for what? To take ten seconds to tell me my daughter is dead? That I killed her?" He said aloud, flailing his arms. He finally reached me and was staring at me like I'd just done something unthinkable. 

"I don't know if she is," I said, crossing my arms over my chest and focusing my gaze on the wooden planks beneath my feet. "I told you I'd let ya know when I knew."

"You could send me a text to tell me how things were going!" He screamed and I let out a little groan; everything was becoming too much now. I was tired, scared and angry and he was going off at me.

"I don't want to do this now, Mark," I muttered before turning around and pressing the doorbell, hoping that Juliet, Ma or Ian had decided to come home early and that for some reason they had locked the door.

"Yes you can, fucking hell!" He cried and then I felt him grab my arm.

I involuntarily squeaked when he spun me around and I backed up against the wall, then I lifted my hand and hit him as hard as I could. It worked, so to speak; he let go of me and stumbled back a few steps. 

"I didn't mean to hurt you," he said after a long silence, the voice low and hushed.

"You did though," I replied, and clenched my teeth in an effort to look more angry than sad and hurt, "You hurt me, and you might've hurt her, is it that hard to understand that I don't want to talk to you?"

"I understand, really, but-"

"What's going on?" A voice said from somewhere above us, interrupting Mark. I looked up and, to my relief, I saw Juliet with her head out the spare bedroom window. She looked at me with tousled hair and her eyes half open. 

"Why aren't ya at work?" I asked. 

"Lucas took my shift." She replied. 

Lucas. The poor guy that was clearly head over heels in love with Juliet, he'd do anything for her - including taking her Friday shift. If Ma found out she'd be in for another hour long lecture about using people. 

"Can ya come open the door?" I asked instead, "I forgot my keys."

Juliet nodded and disappeared from the window. 

"Jack, I need to start over," Mark said pleadingly.

"And how are you going to do that?" I asked sarcastically, "fuck me and put another baby there to replace the dead one?"

He grimaced. "Don't say things like that."

Just then I heard the door lock click behind me and I turned just in time to see the door open. I didn't say a word and didn't look at Mark as I walked into the house to meet Juliet. 

"What do you mean?" She asked as she closed the door behind me. 

"What are you talking about?" I asked as I took off my jacket and shoes.

"I heard the conversation," she said.

I turned up and looked at her nervously.

"What did you hear?" I asked hesitantly.

"Enough to hear you say that the boy currently camping at our door may or may not have killed your daughter; yours. Your and his," she looked at me with a frown in confusion and crossed her arms. "Do you wanna explain what that means or should I ask him?"

I shook my head and walked past her straight towards the kitchen. 

"None of yer business," I said as I approached the fridge.

"Excuse me, but when my little brother starts talking about his baby that he apparently has with another man, I think I deserve an explanation."

"No, you don't," I said before closing the fridge after realizing that it contained nothing that looked appetising. "You wouldn't understand."

"I'm sure I'd understand it a lot more than I do now if I got an explanation."

"I don't think so."

She frowned. "Sean, come on, is this anything to do with what's been happening the past few months?"

"What?"

"I can see you've put on weight, but I know that you're not just fat, I'm not dumb, I saw your stomach that day."

I looked down and took a deep breath. 

Was Juliet gonna be the first person I confessed to? Did I have to do it? Now? I wasn't prepared, I had planned to wait a couple of weeks before telling anybody. I was here now, though, with my sister, she looked worried and I knew she was determined to get an answer. 

"Okay, look," I said finally, "If I tell you, you have to have an open mind, I mean way open."

She nodded slowly. "Go."

"And you have to promise not ta tell anyone, not even Ma or Ian."

She nodded again. "Okay, I promise."

"I'm serious Juliet," I said, "It's important, don't tell anyone."

"I know, don't tell anyone, I swear I won't."

I closed my eyes for a brief moment, but then nodded.

"I think we should sit down," I said with a small smile, I walked from the kitchen to the living room and sat down on the couch, Juliet soon joined me. 

"Okay, shoot," she said as she dropped down on the other side of the couch.

"Um, yeah," I said, scratching my head nervously, wondering where to begin with this story, "Okay, do you remember that party before I went back ta school, the one when Ma got mad at me for fucking someone on the lawn and ya made fun of me fer it?"

She nodded. "Yeah."

"Yeah, so, the person I fucked wasn't exactly...a girl," I said, stammering slightly, "He was a boy."

She raised her eyebrows, not in confusion, more as if to say, 'Okay, then?'

"So you're gay," she said after a few seconds, "I expected it."

I frowned; It wasn't exactly the reaction I was expecting.

"Um, okay," I said, "So you're okay with this?"

She shrugged. "It doesn't matter to me, it's none of my business."

"But don't ya think it's strange ... or ... I dunno, disgusting?"

She shrugged again. "The fact that ya like guys? No. The fact that you take it in the ass? A little."

I felt my cheeks burning. 

"Okay," I said, not bothering to start a discussion about how she knew that I was on the receiving end of this, "but that's not what I wanted to say."

"Go ahead then."

I nodded and took another deep it was time. 

"Okay. So, yeah, I fucked a guy, Mark, the guy who was out there with me, "I said. "And, um, do ya remember when I was sick all the time and Ma forced me to go to the doctor?"

"It's a little' hard to forget," he said, "But you said it was a virus or something, right?"

"I lied," I half-whispered.

"Oh ... so what was it?" She asked, the concern now overshadowing everything else "it's not cancer or something, is it?"

I chuckled nervously.

"Um, no, but, ya see, this could be called ... uh, strange."

I paused for a second. Thinking about how to say it without making myself look crazy. With another nervous glance toward Juliet, I got up slowly and then began pulling off my sweatshirt.

"Why are you taking off your clothes?" She asked, looking confused.

"I think this can be explained better if ... I show you," I muttered. I threw the shirt to the floor, leaving me in just a t-shirt. 

Juliet's eyes landed on my stomach and she looked at me, terrified. 

"What the hell is going on, Jack?" She asked quietly.

I put my hands on my stomach and looked down as I opened my mouth.

"I-I'm pregnant," I said, my voice barely audible.

"Sorry, can you repeat that?"

I took a deep breath and looked at her.

"I'm pregnant," I repeated, louder this time. Loud enough for it to be impossible that she hadn't heard. "I'm having a baby."

She remained silent for a long, long time. She stared at me, unblinking, and I couldn't help but keep watching. What was she thinking? Would she even believe me?

"You-you're not serious, are you?" She finally asked. 

"I am."

She let out an incredulous laugh and stared at me with wide eyes. "B-but you can't."

I sighed. 

"Look at this," I said then, pointed to the bump. "How else can you explain it?"

"I don't know," she said after a few seconds of silence, "But you're not pregnant, you can't be! Last time I checked, you're my brother not my sister, you don't have a vagina, you don't have a womb and I'm pretty sure stuff like that's needed for a pregnancy!."

"Don't ya think I already argued with the doctor about this?" I laughed, "I didn't believe if but- fuck, I did three pregnancy tests, all of which were positive, I've seen several scans and I've heard her heartbeat and I've seen her on a screen, I think I just have to accept it."

"Accept it?" She repeated incredulously, "You can't tell me something like this and not give me an explanation about how his happened." 

"I know, I know, I'm sorry but I don't even know," I said before I sat down again. "I know it sounds crazy, you're not the first person I had to convince, but I can take you to the doctor and ya can see fer yerself if ya want? I am pregnant, I'm not lying. There is a baby inside of me right now and she'll be born in about three months."

If she's not dead, whispered an unwelcome voice in the back of my head. 

"I ... I guess I'll just ... believe your word then," she said after throwing yet another look at my stomach "I'm not gonna come with you but you do realise this sounds like something a crazy person would say, right? "

I looked up to the ceiling.

"Yeah I know."

"Don't expect me to start talking to your stomach."

I rolled my eyes again.

"I didn't expect it, I'd prefer you didn't to be honest"

"Good."

"Already."

"So, what are you doing with it?"

"Her," I corrected her.

"Eh?"

"The baby, it's a girl."

"Oh ... okay. So what are you going to do with her? Are you gonna have an abortion or something." 

I frowned.

"No, I'm giving her up for adoption."

She nodded slowly and stirred slightly.

 "Alright."

None of us said anything for a while, Juliet was looking at a fixed point on the wall, seemingly deep in thought and I couldn't blame her for that, so I left her in peace. I was already very happy that in the end everything went well, I expected more laughing and teasing and "you're crazy!" But it went okay. She was okay with it. 

"So, my brother is pregnant," she said at last, smiling.

"Bet those are the last words ya ever expected ta say." 

"Hm, yeah. So what, I mean, what did you mean before? "

I raised my eyebrows questioningly.

"You know," she continued, "you said that thing about the baby being...dead."

"Oh ..." I murmured, focusing my gaze downward, "Yes, she's...I dunno. I, um, well, someone pushed me a few days ago and he hit my stomach really hard," I muttered, "And she hasn't kicked or anything since then."

"That's not good, right?" she muttered after a brief pause.

"I don't know, maybe it would be in normal pregnancies but she usually kicks like crazy," 

"Sorry," she said, smiling apologetically

"No problem," I said, although it sounded rather uncomfortable,

"Then why were you yelling at that guy?"

"He was the one that did it." 

Juliet frowned.

"Doesn't he know y-"

I nodded. "He knew it. He's known for months."

"Then why did he do it?"

"Because I did something that annoyed him," I interrupted, "Look, I don't want to talk about this, okay? You know what's going on, so can I leave? "

She kept looking at me with an expression of mixed concern and reflection for a moment before answering.

"I know nothing about pregnancies, never really wanted kids so I've never even thought about it, but I'm sure that you should go to the doctor."

"But if-"

"If your baby is really dead, it can't be healthy to keep her there."

"No but-"

"Jack, fuck, I don't want ya to die or something, okay?" She said. "I need ya here, I can't face Ma and Ian alone and, honestly, I'd miss ya, even if you are a little shit." 

I swallowed, noting the desperation in her voice.

"I'm not going to die," I said, "And I'll go to the doctor in a couple of weeks, then I'll see. Everything is fine."

The look she gave me made me realise that she didn't believe that. I couldn't blame her, neither did I. 

"Fine, but if he hurts you again, tell me." She said. 

"Why?"

"I'm gonna kick his ass."

*

The weekend passed with a lot of calls and messages from Mark. I didn't read any of the texts and did not answer any of the calls, because I already knew what he would say to me. 

I spent very little time sleeping and spent most nights awake and begging for her to just kick, begging her to do something! 

Despite all this, I could feel a kind of relief in the fact that Juliet knew about it, because now I didn't have to hide it as much and she would always bring food up to my room and she'd be in my room every couple of hours to ask if I needed anything, she shut down my Ma and Ian when they made a comment about me and helped me with excuses as to why I was so angry all the time, I was just really happy that she wanted to help. 

At school it seemed that Ken, Cry and Felix had completely abandoned Mark to be with me. To be honest I found it kind of strange but it felt nice now that I didn't feel so alone anymore, it was almost like we were friends. None of them asked me about the baby, but I would see them staring at my stomach and opening their mouths as if to say something. 

They wanted to ask me, they didn't though and I couldn't help but be grateful for that. 

On Monday, Mark tried to get close during lunch, but as soon as I saw him coming to our table, I hurried to get out. Getting lost in the crowd. Then I didn't see him again until that Friday. 

 

Thursday, March 5th  
Twenty-seven weeks

I was in a book store, reading a book about pregnancy, the woman at the checkout was giving me sour looks and it made me feel kind of uncomfortable, but I tried to ignore it. 

Dodger had just left; she had a date and I would've normally stayed at her place for a pep talk and then I'd stay with her mom and dad and wait for her to come home with either the good news or the bad news; I'd had to say that I couldn't, mainly because I didn't want her to hear me talking to my stomach or crying because my baby wasn't kicking. 

Normally, I would've just bought the book, but I had nowhere to put it to make sure my Ma wouldn't find it and I wasn't gonna ask the clerk about where the books on pregnancy were. So, I was in a corner of the small store, trying to hide myself away as much as possible, I was reading about the first few weeks after the baby was born. Apparently, they cried a lot - I knew that but it wouldn't matter anyway, I wasn't keeping her. Someone tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around so fast that I dropped the book on the ground and almost fell over my own two feet. 

"Sorry," Mark said with a small smile, "I didn't mean to scare you."

I blinked.

"I-uh, what are you doing here?" I asked.  
"I was looking for something to read for English but I couldn't find any classics." 

"Oh ... okay."

There was an awkward silence and I looked down at my feet to avoid eye contact with him. 

I realized that the book I'd been reading was still on the floor, so I bent down to pick it up, or I tried to at least. My stomach was so big that it made simple thing like just bending over basically impossible. I couldn't reach it and tried again, this time bringing my knees down with me. The only thing that happened was that I lost my balance and fell flat on my ass. 

My cheeks flamed when I realized that Mark was still standing there, watching my awkward fall. Which was caused by me attempting to pick up a book! I looked up at him and he smiled at me wryly. 

"Here," he said and held out both hands.

"I don't need your help," I snapped. I tried to get up from the ground, but it turned out to be an impossible task and I sighed again.

"Please," I said and held out my hand, looking at Mark with a slight pout. He grabbed onto my arms and pulled me to my feet, I managed to knock out a small stack of books placed on the floor beside me, earning another irritated glance from the woman at the counter but at least I was on my feet.

Mark let go of my hands, bent down and picked up the book I had dropped, he glanced at the cover then smiled.

"You were reading a book without buying it?" He asked.

"I can't just take it home, right? My Ma could find and then that'd be hell."

"Yes, I guess," he said before give me the book.

He stood still in silence for a few seconds, but then: "have you felt anything?"

I shook my head.

"No," I said, opting not to tell him that I was kept awake every night for a week, praying to any supreme force that my baby was alright. 

"Are you sure?" He asked, and, despite his calm façade, I heard a slight tremor in his voice.

"Yeah I'm sure," I said, "Look, I have ta go ho-"

"Please, Jack," he interrupted, "can we, well, can we talk?"

"We are now."

"Yeah, but I mean, how about we go to my place or even your place and have a real conversation?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose and closed my eyes for a second before answering.

"Look, I'm not mad anymore but until I know she's alive, no."

"I need you to listen, If you think for even a second that I don't care about her then you need serious help," he hurried, "if we find out that she's really gone them I understand you never talking to me again, I already hate myself enough for this but until it's proven I've done something can we just talk, please I'm begging you Jack, I'll do anything."

I looked at his eyes, thinking about it a couple of seconds before nodding.

"Okay, okay, but we're going to your place and you don't act like a jackass." 

His face lit up.

"Yeah, yeah, sure," he said quickly, "do you want me to buy this book?" He added. "I can keep it at my place, my mom and dad don't even go near my room."

"Oh, no, that's-" I began, but before I got to finish my sentence, he took the book from my hand. 

"Come on, I'm buying it." 

"Mark, ya don't have to buy me a book," I said.

He was already at the checkout by the time I'd even finished my sentence and I followed after him, slowly, sighing. 

The cashier gave us an amused look when Mark handed her the book, but said nothing. He pulled a couple of bills out of his wallet and handed them to her. Once that was done with, we left. 

"So, my house?" He asked as we started walking down the road which was quite busy despite the shitty weather; the sky was gray, the streets were covered in stupid ice and I was concentrating on not slipping on my ass. 

"Yeah."

"I think my mom and dad are home," Mark said as soon as we crossed the threshold of the house. "They're going on a cruise for the weekend so they'll leave in about an hour."

"Oh okay, sure," I said as I took off my shoes. "Should I just keep the jacket on?"

"Nah, I'll tell them that I'm in my room and I've got a friend with me, they'll stay away," he said while hanging his jacket on a hook and kicking his shoes into a corner.

"Wait for me in my room and I'll be there in a couple of minutes."

He sent me a small smile before turning to head further into the house, and instead of continuing to walk towards the end of the hall, where I knew his room was, he turned left and disappeared.

"Alright," I muttered to the empty hallway before taking off my stomach, I was kinda nervous that someone would suddenly appear. I hadn't covered up as well as usual and if anybody saw me they'd know something was up. 

I walked up the hall to Mark's room and opened the door. Then, I sat on his bed and leaned back, feeling the tension slip away. 

"What the fuck?" Said a voice next to me, I jumped to my feet and looked around frantically for the source, I soon found it. Lauren. Obviously. With my luck lately, it had to be Lauren. 

"I- I'm just" stammered, my whole body stiffened.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" She asked, giving me one of her icy stares.

"W-waiting fer Mark," I said hesitantly, eyes facing the floor.

"Why?" She asked.

"He told me to wait here while he talked to his mom and dad," I muttered, cursing how helpless and submissive my voice sounded. I lifted my gaze back about a meter away from me with her hand on her hip. 

"Well I'm sorry, because he's with me today" she said, "You should go home, or maybe you should go to the nearest McDonalds." She shot a venomous look at my stomach and then smiled contemptuously. "Looks like you're on your way to starring in 'The Biggest Loser' anyway."

I bit my lip and tried to think of something to say but I didn't get the chance before the door opened. 

"I got something-" Mark began, trying not to drop what looked like a bowl of chips, but stopped when he noticed Lauren.

"Lauren?" He asked, clearly confused. 

"What's going on here?" She asked, pointing.

"I went out," Mark said as he walked toward his desk leaning over the bowl, "Why are you here anyway?"

"You said you wanted to go out," she said, spreading her arms in exasperation.

"I told you that I would text you if I have time," he said, a hint of impatience in his voice.

"No, you told me you're going to the book store after school and after that we could go out. You were gone for like two hours so I thought you'd be done and came here - your mom let me in and then it turns out you lied to me, last time I checked bookstores don't sell fat losers."

"I have to go," I muttered before anyone had a chance to say anything else. "I guess I'll see ya later or somethin' like that," I said, still not looking at either of the two, before heading towards the door.

"No, stay Jack," Mark said firmly, and when I looked up, his eyes were pointed toward Lauren and to my surprise, he seemed angry. "Don't talk about him like that, I'll text you if I have time but just leave now."

She looked at him incredulously.

"You'd rather go out with him instead of me?" She asked, "This is what I call bad choice."

"Yeah, and why?"

"Isn't that obvious?"

Mark rolled his eyes.

"Go home, Lauren. I have things to do and I need to talk to him."

"Yeah, about what?"

"None of your business."

She glanced at him furiously. 

"Alright, but don't you dare expect anything more than a blowjob for the rest of the week," she said curtly before turning on her heel and disappearing from the room, slamming the door firmly behind her.

I swallowed, I had just caused an argument between Mark and Lauren simply with my existence. Again. 

"I'm sorry," I whispered, not having the courage to look up and meet his eyes, "I- I didn't know she was-"

"It's alright," he interrupted. "It's not your fault."

I looked up slowly and I felt relieved when I found out that he was smiling.

"I caused a fight between you and Lauren, again," I said, "I'm so sorry, I don't wanna cause shit between you two."

"I know," he said, "But it's all right. She overreacts all the time, hell, she yelled at me for cheating on her when I kissed Ken's cheek."

"Yeah, I noticed," I said without thinking. My eyes widened when I realized what I had just said. "Shit, I'm sorry I didn't mean that a-"

"Relax," he chuckled, "I know she's kind of a bitch."

I frowned, wow Mark, such a cute thing to call your girlfriend. 

"Alright," was all I said.

"Right, do you want to sit?" He said.

"Yes, please," I said with a sigh of relief, "My back is killing me."

He smiled.

"I can imagine; you're getting a lot bigger." I looked down again.

"Yes I know. She told me I was big twice." I muttered.

I knew I was big, but to hear it from someone else was something else. 

"No, no, you're not fat," he said immediately afterwards, "You're just pregnant, it's not the same as being fat."

"Yes, of course, pregnant," I grumbled. 

"It's not bad He said gently. "I've said, but I'll say it again: You look great, your belly looks good on you."

Leaving aside my bad mood, I felt my cheeks heat up and a smile appeared on my lips.

"Thanks," I muttered.

He went to the bed and sat on it.

"Let's sit down," he said.

And so I did, walking at a slow pace, and sat at his side.

"Mind if I sit in the usual spot?" I asked, gesturing toward the headboard, where they had piled a dozen pillows.

"I'd actually prefer you did," he said with a lopsided grin.

I returned the smile before dragging myself back, then leaning back on Mark's sea of pillows.

"You wouldn't mind if I adopted your bed or something, right?" I asked.

He smiled.

"Of course not," he said as he moved to sit next to me, "Anything to make you happy."  
There was silence for a while before he spoke again. "So she hasn't kicked or anything?" He asked.

I looked at my stomach. 

"Not even a single kick."

"If it's really- well, you know, it would be my fault."

I didn't want to answer with a yes, it would be his fault, but I couldn't say that, he already looked so downtrodden. 

"Can I talk to her?" He asked quietly.

I looked up at him with surprise.

"Sure," I said hesitantly.

"It's whatever you want."

"Go ahead," I said.

He climbed up the bed and lay next to me with his head close to my stomach. 

"Do you think you could take the sweater off?" He asked.

"Oh, sure," I said, l sat up a little and took off the sweatshirt and he took it out my hands and tossed it to the side, I then returned to my first position. He turned his gaze to my stomach again and watched with curiosity as he reached a little hesitantly to to raise my T-shirt. I was still a little confused, not understanding what he wanted to do, but I didn't protest as he continued to push my shirt up until it completely uncovered my stomach. 

"I just want to talk to her, I don't wanna make you uncomfortable or annoy you or anything," Mark said, smiling slightly.

As if there was something about you that I find annoying, I thought, I couldn't even stay mad at him for pushing me. 

"Okay," I said.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

He nodded and then proceeded to do something that made my body stiffen and my heart beat faster. He leaned forwards and placed his head on my stomach, just beside my belly button and began to talk. 

"Hey little one," I heard him mutter after a moment of silence, "Are you all right in there?" He paused for a second or two before continuing. "I know I told you not to kick so much the last time we spoke, but I didn't mean you'd have to stop completely. A little kick now and again is good, it lets your daddy and I know you're okay. He loves you a lot, you know, and I love you too. I didn't mean to hurt you, I've been a big dumb idiot and I acted like a big dumb idiot. Could you give us a little kick? Only one, we need to know you're okay, little one, please?"

His voice was incredibly sweet and his words were so sincere that I felt something in my throat. Without even thinking, I lifted one of my hands and began to run my hand through his hair. He didn't react and just continued talking. 

"I would love to keep you" he said. "It'd have been amazing meeting you and watching you grow up, being your daddy. I could teach you how to play football, we can play video games together and do all that stuff that dads do with their kids in the movies. Even if this is weird, it doesn't mean I don't love you, you know that, right? I love you so much and if I was older and more prepared, I'd have no doubt that I'd want to keep you, I love you so much."

He stopped again and then I felt him press a kiss to my bare stomach. 

"Why don't you kick, little one?" He asked. "Why don't you do something to show us you're alive?"

I felt something warm and wet on my skin and it took a couple of seconds before I realized that he was crying. He was crying. My heart tightened slightly when I saw it.

"Maybe you can't," he continued, now so softly that I could barely hear the words.  
"Maybe you're gone and that's why you won't show us, you can't, please tell me you're okay." 

Silent tears continued to fall onto my stomach and I couldn't find the strength to do anything but continue to run my hands through his hair and let him cry in peace. 

We lay there in that exact position, for over an hour without any of us even speaking. We were just sitting there and this appeared to be a good outlet, as if we were mourning the loss of our unborn baby.

Then, I felt something. Slight movement, like a slight tickle where Mark's head was rested. I froze completely; my hands stopped playing with Mark's hair and I swore that I felt my heart stop beating for a moment. It seemed that Mark had noticed something, he raised his head slowly and looked at me with eyes red and swollen. We waited silently, my heart tightened - maybe it was just something stupid, maybe we were imagining thing. 

It happened again, more powerful this time. Even stronger.

"M-Mark, I-I-It's a kick," I stammered, looked at him with wide eyes, "she's kicking!"

"Are you sure?" He asked hoarsely.

I nodded frantically and grabbed his hand to place it where I could feel her kicking. 

"Yeah, I feel it, right here," I said.

Nothing happened for a few seconds and I saw Mark biting his lips, obviously worried, but it happened again, and I saw his frown change to a smile. 

"She's alive," he whispered.

"Yeah," I replied. "She's alive."

A sound that could have been a laugh, or maybe a sob escaped from Mark's mouth and he leaned forward to place a kiss on my stomach again, before rising slowly to look at me. 

"She's fine," he said, beaming, "Our baby is fine."

"Our baby?" I thought about it.

His smile faltered slightly.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't mean-"

"It's okay," I said, "I think I like hearing you say that."

The smile reappeared.

"Really?"

I nodded.

"Really."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said; things aren't always straight forward. 
> 
> However, not to worry because she is alive and well, originally this chapter was supposed to end with Juliet but I really couldn't bear just leaving it there, I had to keep going and make sure I didn't cause heart attacks. 
> 
> Anyway, I'm honestly really shocked with the comments I've been getting, they've all been so nice and they all make me smile so much, I never thought people would like this half as much as they do and that's so crazy to me! Thanks for making me smile guys and have a good day/night!


	15. Mark, do not buy that thing!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark buys Jack a present - Jack is embarrassed.

We spent a good twenty minutes, smiling and muttering gibberish to my stomach before I pulled down my shirt and Mark sat next to me. I wasn't able to stop smiling because she was alive. After being terrified for more than a week, after I was so sure that she was dead, she was alive! She was really alive!

"So, am I forgiven?" Mark asked. 

I grimaced and hesitated for a few seconds before answering with a calm "no".

His face fell, and he looked down, but said nothing.

I sighed.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I'm not angry with you, I haven't been for a few days, but ya know very well that we're very lucky that she's still alive; this could've gone a completely different way and I can't forget that."

"I understand," he said smiling at me weakly, "But you're not angry with me anymore, are you?"

I shook my head.

"No, I'm not mad at you, just kinda disappointed."

He nodded slowly.

"Okay, I can deal with that for now, I understand," he said. "But I think we should probably talk about what caused all this first," he added with a slight pause, "The whole thing in your room, I mean."

Oh right, that. I had almost forgotten, at least in part, but now that I remembered again, I felt my face heat up in an instant.

"Okay." I muttered. "I really don't know what to say about it ta be honest." I said, nervously playing with my fingers.

"I think I was kinda in the moment," he said, "It wasn't ... what I wanted to do, you know?"

"Yeah, I understand," I said, so basically he did it because his dick was rubbing on my ass and I was the closest thing, again. I opted not to say anything. 

"We're cool though, right?" He asked, "it's not gonna be weird or anything like that?"

My heart stopped for a second because it was pretty obvious that what had happened meant nothing to him. It had been something quick, just like the time he fucked me at the party. Not that I expected him to care anyway. 

"It's okay." I said, ignoring the urge to burst into tears.

"Well," he said, offering a smile, "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Why did you let me do it?"

I frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you weren't exactly opposed to it. Why?" He asked, watching me curiously.

"I-I do not know," I lied, "I think it was just that I was still half asleep and, honestly, I've been pretty fucking desperate since I got pregnant so...y'know, I think my mind was somewhere else."

To my relief, he seemed pretty convinced the answer since he began to chuckle once I stopped talking.

"Okay, I think we can up this behind us then," he said.

I blushed a little, but I said nothing. What I had said was not completely a lie, but it wasn't the truth. The truth was; I wanted him to do it, he didn't need to know that though. 

"Look, what happened earlier," he said after a brief pause, "I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable or anything."

"What happened earlier?" I asked.

"You know, when I talked to the baby, I said that I wanted to keep her," he said, "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"Oh, emm .. it's all right, I guess," I said hesitantly, "You didn't make me uncomfortable."

"I didn't?"

I shrugged. 

"Not entirely," I said, letting out a sigh. "I- well, you know I would love to keep her, but I can't, I can't look after her right. I will not be a single parent, Mark, I'm not just giving her up for adoption for shits and giggles."

"Yeah, I know," he said, "I just hate the idea that someone else is gonna watch her grow up."

"I'm not happy about that either but-"

"Why don't we keep her?" He interrupted.

I stared at him for a few seconds before coming to the conclusion that perhaps he was joking and laughed.

"Yes, of course."

"I'm serious," he said, "I think I'd like to keep her."

My jaw dropped. He wanted to keep the baby? 

"I-I don't, Mark, we can't," I stammered. Neither of us is ready for that much responsibility, we haven't even left school yet! And my Ma, I don't even know how she's gonna react."

"I know," he said, looking pleadingly, "But I don't want to give her up for adoption."

"Me neither!" I yelled. "But think of the baby; she'll have a better life with someone else, someone who can give her what she needs and someone that can make sure she has a happy life." 

"They'll never be her real parents," he said quietly, eyes still on me. 

"They'll give her a better life than we can give her."

"Okay, but- Please, Jack, can't we just consider this for a second?"

I ran my hands through my hair and sighed.

"Where did this come from?" I asked, "You never said ya wanted to keep the baby before, so what made you change your mind?"

"Spending a week thinking that I'd lost her and I don't wanna lose her, not ever." He said. 

"Okay, yeah, but this is different. We're giving her up for adoption- she's not gonna die."

"No, but she'll never be with us."

"Y-you're not serious," I said. "You want to keep her?"

He nodded, biting his lip.

"Yes."

"Mark, it's nice that you want her so much but don't you realise how much our lives would change if we don't give her up?" He turned his gaze to the ground with a stupid needy puppy dog face, and I continued to talk. "We'd ruin our lives, we wouldn't be able to finish school or have normal lives for, at least, the next eighteen years. Secondly, we would both be single parents. Third, our families would know the truth. Fourth, we would have to go away from here because there'd be too many things to explain around here and it'd just make life hard for her. Fifth, and not to be overlooked, she won't grow up in a normal environment; she should grow up with two parents who are together, happy and all those things, not with two parents who were never together from the beginning."

He breathed in, his eyes closed for a second.

"I already know all this," he said later, "but listen, okay?" He said. "We would be great parents and I definitely don't mind moving away if that makes it better, we could do classes and leave her at daycare until we finish and pick her up and kids grow up with divorced parents all the time! And we could spend time with our little girl, our little girl that deserves her real parents."

"No, Mark, I don't-"

"Please," he interrupted, grabbing both of my hands in his and looking at me with big, pleading eyes.

"Think about it, please."

Think about it. Consider keeping the baby and raising her. Of course, this was just something else to worry about. I was about to confirm a definitive 'no', but I made the big mistake of looking Mark directly in the eyes. They were pleading, almost desperate, his lips were red from him biting them and he looked like he was about to cry. Jesus Christ. 

"O-okay," I stammered. "Okay," I said, offering him a weak smile, "I'll think about it."

He beamed before unexpectedly clinging to my neck, squeezing me in a hug.

"Thanks," he murmured into my neck.

"Sure, no problem," I said, patting him on his back in a rather clumsy way, trying to ignore the fact that my face was almost literally about to go up in flames. To my relief, and at the same time great disappointment, he broke away and sat down again, resting his back against the headboard of the bed again.

"So, how are you?" She said, smiling slightly.

I raised an eyebrow.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, has anything happened lately?"

"Erm, no, I don't think so," I said as I moved a bit 'to get in a more comfortable position. "Oh wait, Juliet knows now."

"Your sister?" He asked.

"Yeah."

"Oh. How did it go?"

"Surprisingly well to be honest, she took it very well, even if it's kinda weird."

"Mm. So when it is the next doctor's appointment?"

"Oh, the ninth at nine in the morning."

"Would you mind if I came with you?"

"I would love if ya did actually."

He looked at me, surprised.

"Really?"

"Really."

"Good then," he said satisfied.

"Yeah."

"Mark?"

"Mm?"

"Maybe we should start asking about the actual birth" I said nervously. "I have thirteen weeks left, I think we need ta know, and maybe ask about testing ta see how the fuck this was possible."

"Well, yeah, it'll put your mind at ease, right?"

"Yeah, I'd kinda like ta know if this would be possible again or if it's just a one-time thing, so I can be extra careful in the future."

He smiled wryly.

"Understandable, I suppose."

"There are other things," I said, biting my lip slightly, "I'm more than certain that I'm gonna need a C-section but I kinda want to see if there's alternatives, I really don't like the idea of being cut open, especially when I'm wide awake"

He grunted.

"I don't think many people like the idea of that, what other alternatives could there be though? You can't really give birth through your ass or your dick or anything."

"Oh yeah, that's a great thought," I said with a grimace, "And I know it's not possible to do that, but who knows, I want to know if there's other possibilities."

"Okay, I understand. Another thing: have you got a theory about how this happened?"

"Not exactly, no," I said with a short laugh.

"Well, I .. I tried to think about it," he said nervously, "But nothing that would make sense."

"None of this makes sense," I said, "So tell me what you thought."

"Okay, so, you know how babies during the first stages don't have any sexual or reproductive organs?"

"Yeah."

"Well, so I was thinking, what if something went wrong when that part of you was growing or being made. Like, maybe your sex was chosen but something happened and you got the internal reproductive organs of a woman and the genitals of a man," he waited a second then frowned. "Sorry, that's kinda dumb."

I frowned slightly listening to his theory. It seemed kind of crazy, you couldn't tell me my body fucked up that badly but...it kinda made sense and I had no right to say anything was weird. I was pregnant for gods sake! 

"I don't think it's craziest theory we're gonna hear." I said hesitantly, "But you think I have a womb?"

"Sorry," he grimaced, "I'm sorry I said that, but I'm pretty sure that the eggs would have to be somewhere."

"Maybe you're the one with the fucking eggs," I replied without noticing.

"That's impossible, you idiot," he said, and rolled his eyes, "the eggs are in the pregnant person, in this case; you."

I frowned, but then smiled.

"Okay, you're right, you don't shoot eggs outta yer dick, that'd be pretty fuckin' scary."

"Yeah, it would, but that's fine because I produce sperm!"

I burst out laughing.

"Okay, I get it, really though, we should talk to a doctor about tests before we start speculatin'."

"I think that would be wise."

"What do you think, kid?" I said looking down at my stomach, "Do you wanna know how ya got there?"

I felt a couple of enthusiastic kicks in response. 

*

Monday, March 9th  
Twenty-eight weeks 

When I woke up that March 9th at half past seven, the first thing I realized was the baby kicking. Again. 

It seemed that the break from kicking had filled her with copious amounts of energy, as she continued to kick from that day at Mark's and barely stopped. Not that I cared; after spending several days thinking she was dead, I was happy every time I felt her kick. 

"Yeah, yeah, I hear ya," I muttered wearily as I sat down and I rubbed my eyes. She continued to kick even when I got out of bed and continued even when I left my room and when I turned on the shower. 

"One day I'm gonna make you pay for these kicks" I said, pulling the oversized shirt over my head. "I could stop ya going to parties when you're a teenager or make sure your room door's wide open when you've got a boy, or a girl, over, bet you'd hate me fer that."

 

Then I realised that I most likely wouldn't be around when she was a teenager. I groaned and I felt like slamming my head against one of the bathroom walls, I opted to get in the shower instead. 

"You know, I wish ya could talk to me, your daddy wants to keep you, but...I dunno, it'd be easier if you could just help me."

A kick was all I got for an answer and I smiled slightly.

"Yeah, I know, I'm talking a lot of nonsense but yer daddy, he's a real nice guy y'know, he's nice and smart and, kinda amazing - well he's not always smart, he's a big dummy sometimes but the other thing, he'a those."

I stayed like that for almost half an hour, just talking to the bump about everything - from Mark to Lauren to me not feeling so lonely any more. I soon realised that I'd have to move though, I had an appointment to get to. 

I managed to find myself a pair of sweatpants -I'd definitely stopped caring about my morals against sweatpants in public, they were the only comfortable thing I owned and damn right I was gonna wear them, and a hoodie twice my size and that seemed just fine for me - yep, I'd definitely stopped caring, I looked like some wannabe rapper. 

The weather had totally changed in the last few days and the sun was shining and a light breeze was blowing through my hair as I walked. For once, I was in a good mood.

Mark was already at the doctors when I walked into the waiting room, sitting in a chair with his chin in one hand and eyes closed. He didn't look up, he didn't even opened an eyelid. I walked up to where he was sitting and couldn't help but smile when I found that he had fallen asleep like that. Not wanting to wake him, I sat down in the chair next to him and spent five minutes texting Dodger - who was currently trying to convince her mom that she wasn't well enough to go to school so that she could go out with her new boyfriend- I kept glancing over at Mark, who was still asleep, he was always pretty adorable but with his mouth slightly open and his eyebrows scrunched up, he was really fucking cute. I didn't have a long time to admire it because soon enough, Dr. Hayes popped her head out from behind the door. 

"He's not a morning person, I see," she said with a smile and a nod to Mark.

I smiled back at her before getting up to my feet, I tapped Mark's shoulder lightly but he didn't react, so I shook him again. 

"I'm up! I'm up!" he said and his eyes blew wide open, then he leaned back, let out a groan and rubbed his head. 

"Are you okay?" I asked, somewhat amused by hectic awakening. 

"Yeah, yeah, I'm just ... tired," he said with a suppressed yawn.

"Well, if you're both awake, maybe we should start?" Said Dr. Hayes, still smiling, 

She held the door open for me and Mark.  
The office looked the same as always, and I took off my scarf and I sat down where I usually sat. 

"I see you're getting used to being here," the doctor said as she sat in her chair in front of computers.

"At this point I should be," I said, "I come here so often."

"Well, you're still gonna have to do it for a couple more months," she said with her eyes turned to the computer screen.

"Yeah, I know."

Mark was sitting on the chair next to mine and with the corner of my eye, I saw him suppress another yawn. I gave him a weak smile.

"When did you go to sleep last night?" I asked.

"I was up 'till 5am last night, I had to do an essay," he said. "I thought it was due next Tuesday, but apparently it's this Tuesday."

"You should probably pay more attention in class then," I said and smiled, nudging him. 

"Yes, Mom," he said and nudged me back. 

"Hey, I might be pregnant but that doesn't give ya the right ta call me mom,"

He chuckled.

"Okay, Dad, sorry."

"Thank you."

"Well, boys," the doctor said and we both turned to look at her. "Your baby is now twenty-eight weeks," she continued, and I nodded, "that means that from now on out, your baby will be able to survive if she's born early, she'll be very premature of course but with some help she'd be able to survive, some people find comfort knowing that so I thought I would bring it up."

"That's kind of a relief," I said with a smile.  
She smiled at me again before continuing.

"Now, Sean, I'm going to look at your weight, blood pressure, urine, and the heartbeat of the baby today; alright?"

I nodded again, however, making a face at the thought of having to do yet another urine sample; I hated those. 

"Okay, well, then you can get up and the first thing we'll check your weight."

I took off my shoes and slowly made my way to the scales, I watched the numbers and land on a number I won't allow myself to repeat. 

"My body's never gonna go back ta normal." I whined. 

"It is normal, Sean," she said, and I saw her scribbling something in the notebook in her hand. "When you give birth, you'll probably be not that much bigger than you are now, you'll weigh around one seventy-five to one eighty pounds."

"I'm fat, ugly and disgusting," I muttered as I walked back to the chair I was sitting in before and I collapsed on it, looking miserably at my feet. 

"Jack, I've said this a million times, you look amazing" Mark said and put his arm around me, "You're not fat, you're not disgusting and you're certainly not bad looking, okay?"

"You're just saying that because you're too sweet to say the truth," I said sourly.

"Well, even if you did look like shit, I wouldn't tell you, so I suppose you're right, but-"

"Mark," I said, smiling. "Save it for someone else." 

He smiled.

"Ok I will."

The rest of the appointment passed fairly quickly; the doctor took my blood pressure, noting that it was normal, I pissed in a cup (Mark found that particularly funny), and finally we had another ultrasound, which showed that the baby was perfectly healthy and her heartbeat was as it should be. 

I said nothing about the incident with Mark, if she found something was wrong then she'd tell us. Fortunately, she was healthy and I was sure I saw Mark sighing with relief when he heard Dr Hayes tell us she was fine. 

"So if you have no questions that concludes the appointment," Dr Hayes said when I was pulling my shirt back on. 

"Actually," I said, walking slowly toward the chair next to the desk. "I-I was wondering if we can, uh, look at - or even try to understand how this was possible."

She leaned back in her chair and smiled.

"So you want to know what's letting you carry the baby?"

I nodded.

"Yeah, I'm kinda curious and I'd kinda like to know if I can get pregnant again in the future."

"Well, I can't promise that we'll be able to understand everything," she said, leaning forwards, "But we can do some tests and some X-Rays to have a look, but to do an X-Ray we'd have to wait until the baby was born."

"Oh, why?" I asked, kinda disappointed that I'd have to wait so long to get answers. 

"Considering that the X-ray will be done very close to where she is growing, we don't want to risk exposing her to radiation."

"No, of course not," I said, "We'll wait, but what kind of tests would ya do?"

"Well, first of all, I would like to see if you have an unusually high amount of estrogen in the blood and urine, and I'd also perform a rectal examination to see if there is anything abnormal there."

"A rectal exam?" I asked nervously, "What does that mean, exactly?"

"I think she's gonna put a finger up your ass," Mark said, giggling like a little kid. 

"Well, putting it bluntly, yes," said the doctor gently. "Of course, we won't so anything if you don't want to do it." 

"No, that's fine, I'll do it," I said with a small sigh, "Would we have to wait for the baby to be born for that or...?"

"No, we can make another appointment as soon as possible, if you want," Dr Hayes said. 

"Better sooner than later, I suppose."

She smiled and began typing on the computer.

"Well," she began. "We can do the 21st, if that's alright?" 

"Yeah, what time?"

"I have places at ten o'clock, one o'clock, two-thirty and five o'clock."

"Um, okay, I think it'd be better ta come in at two-thirty," I said.

"Actually," Mark interjected, "can we take the one at five?"

"Why?" I asked.

"I can come with you, as moral support." he said.

"I- you- you can't be there while-"

"Relax, I'm sure it's nothing that I haven't already seen before."

I scowled at him.

"I don't care."

"Oh, come on, I want to be there for you."

I sighed and looked back at the doctor.

"I suppose it's fine, we'll take the five o'clock appointment."

She smiled and nodded.

"Very well, I'll put you in for March 23rd at five."

She typed something on the computer, leaving the room in silence for a minute or two before looking at us. 

"So, do you have any other questions?"

"Not exactly," I said, but then bit my lip and looked around for a brief second, "I-Is it, o-okay ta have sex while yer pregnant." 

To my relief, Mark did not comment on it but I saw him staring at me. 

"It's absolutely healthy for pregnant women to have sex, I don't see why it should be different for you, and I think it's fair to say that it will not harm the baby," she said with a smile, "Although I wouldn't recommend trying any intricate positions."

I blushed slightly, but let out a small chuckle in an attempt to hide it. 

"Thanks."

Five minutes later I was leaving the office with Mark behind me. I didn't realize that he had suddenly gone quiet. 

"Is something wrong?" I asked, looking at him with curiosity.

"No," was all he said without looking at me.

I frowned.

"Are ya sure?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Oh ... okay," I whispered; it was evident that there was something wrong but I chose not to pry, then we continued to walk in silence. But just as we were walking into the park, where we had been three months earlier, he spoke again and, to my surprise, he seemed almost angry.

"Why did you ask that question?" He asked.

He had stopped and was looking at me with narrowed eyes.

"What question?" I asked confused.

"The sex question"

My face turned red immediately.

"I- I don't think that's any of your business," I stammered.

"Have you met someone?" He asked.

"Why are ya asking? It's none of yer business what I do." I said.

"I'm just asking you a question," he said with a shrug, "have you met someone?"

I crossed my arms over my chest.

"Why does it matter?"

"What?"

"Why does it matter?" I repeated.

"I only want to know."

"Why do you want to know?"

"Why can't you just answer my question?"

"Maybe I don't want to," I said defiantly. 

His eyes narrowed even more.

"How the fuck did this happen?"

I frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, what the fuck did you do to make some random guy fucking fall for you? What happened there, is he desperate?"

I scrunched up my face as I tried to understand what he meant. Then I realized what he was saying, and I felt my heart plummet. He had just said that I was too fat, too ugly and too disgusting for anyone. 

I clenched my jaw. 

"Thanks," I whispered, looking at my feet before quickly walking towards the nearest park exit. 

At the doctors he said I was amazing but now that we're here, I'm a mess. Whatever. 

I was twenty meters away from one of the iron gates when I heard quick footsteps behind me. I chose to keep walking but soon enough, someone lay a hand on my shoulder. 

"Sorry," said Mark's voice behind me, and, reluctantly, I turned toward him. "I don't know why I said that, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he said, and before he had finished speaking, he wrapped me in his arms and held me in a hug so tight that I felt like I was going to explode. "Please don't get upset, I didn't mean to say that," he murmured into my hair, "You aren't undesirable, Jack, far from it, you're beautiful and amazing and everyone wants to fuck you, I swear."

Everyone except you, apparently. 

I let out a chuckle, promptly ignoring the nagging voice in my head.

"Yeah, okay, thank you," I said.

He stepped back, but left his arms in place. 

"Please don't be mad at me," he said pleadingly.

"Okay," I said, smiling wryly, "But why did you-"

"I don't know," he said, interrupting me, "I guess you caught me off guard. I didn't know you were seeing someone and I thought you would have told me since we're friends. I was just a little surprise, that's all."

I felt a little disappointed because for a brief moment, I thought it was because he was jealous but nope. Of course not, he had a girlfriend, and he wasn't attracted to guys never mind me. 

"Yeah, I understand," I said with a small smile. "But I'm not seeing anyone," I added.

He frowned.

"Then why did you ask if you can have sex?"

My cheeks reddened again before answering.

"Well, this might be pretty new to you but people like me that don't have anybody ta fuck do this thing, it's called masturbation," I said teasingly. 

"Right," he said, looking a bit thoughtfully, "I don't understand why that'd be a problem, the baby isn't growing inside your dick."

Oh God, no.

"I- uh- I didn't mean, well, there's-"

"Okay, what do you wanna tell me?"

"I don't want to say anything," I said sincerely.

He smiled.

"What were you trying to tell me before you started acting crazy, then?"

"Nothing, nothing," I said quickly, "Keep walking."

"Absolutely not," he said and laughed, "I want to know."

"It 's embarrassing, I'm not telling ya!"

"It can't be that bad. Come on tell me!"

"No," I whined.

"Please?"

I groaned and looked at the sky for a moment before meeting his gaze, now sparkling with curiosity.

"Okay, then," I said, my face flushing for what felt like the millionth time. "I'm gay, right? And even though I don't have much experience, I don't have'ta just, y'know, Jack-off and-"

"Oh, oh, okay, I understand," he interrupted, raising his voice, looking more amused than ever, "But I don't think you'd hurt her with your fingers."

"It doesn't always have'ta be fingers, Mark," I muttered.

A full-blown smile dawned on his face. 

"Ah," he said, dragging the sound., "so toys?."

"Oh my God," I muttered. If my face got any warmer I'd set myself on fire.

"Can we go now?"

"Sure, sure," he said, smiling happily.

We continued towards the exit of the park and for a while, I thought that he would leave the conversation we'd just had alone but when we stepped out into the street, he turned to me and smiled. 

"Want to take a look at some toys?"

"Toys? Do you like kids toys?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. 

"I was thinking more adult toys," he said, smirking. 

I was confused for a second, but then I opened my mouth.

"You're not serious, are you?" I asked with wide eyes.

"Yes, I always wanted to look at the stuff they had but it's kinda weird to do it alone and when I asked the guys, Ken flat out told me no, Felix freaked and Cry was already gone by the time I finished my sentence." He chuckled. "So do you wanna go see if they have anything interesting?"

"N-no, I don't wanna go see if they have anything interesting!" I stuttered. 

"Come on, I'll buy you something if you find something you like!"

"Mark!"

He laughed.

"What, come on, it'll be fun"

"You have a very warped idea of fun," I huffed. "Anyway, people would stare at us."

"Um, no, they won't." He snorted. "If they're there, they're there for a reason, they don't care."

"Well, yeah, but ... we're two guys, they'll think that-"

"That we're gonna use 'em together, I know," he said but his smile was still broad. "It'll be funny! Let's go."

"No!"

"Please?"

"No."

"Jack-"

"No."

Despite my protests, twenty minutes later we were standing at a one of the aisles in one of the very few sex shops in town. I felt so awkward and out of place. 

Mark, on the contrary, seemed to be totally at ease, as he picked things up and showed them to me and asked what I thought of them, then he'd laugh when he saw how embarrassed I got. 

"What would you even use this for?" He asked as he was holding something in the shape of a ufo, turning it over in his hands.

"Apparently it's for clitoral stimulation," I said after throwing a quick look at the box. 

"Huh, maybe I should get it for Lauren." He chuckled. 

"Well, it's nice that you can admit that ya need toys to satisfy her," I said, unable to restrain myself; the opportunity was too perfect.

He rolled his eyes and put the...thing down. 

"I didn't say I needed it, it'd be nice for her to have something when I'm away anyway right?" He smirked. "Besides, I'm pretty fucking good with my mouth, I've been told."

"Um, okay," I said, once again feeling uneasy. 

"Is sex easier with guys?"

"What?"

"Well, with a guy, I would know what to do and what not to do, right? We'd have the same parts so I guess that'd make it easier"

"Yes ... I suppose," I said hesitantly, not having another answer to give him.

"How was I anyway?" He asked, as soon as we entered in another aisle. 

"How were you?"

"When we fucked, how was I?"

I raised my eyebrows.

"You're asking me to judge your performance?"

He shrugged.

"Yeah. So tell me, was I horrible? Decent? Amazing? What's the verdict?"

"Um, a little...violent," I said. "You could've been a little more gentle."

Mark nodded. 

"I didn't just go in dry, right?"

I looked at the floor, not quite sure of what to say, but it seemed that my silence was enough for an answer and I heard him sigh a few seconds later.

"Jesus, I'm sorry," he said.

"It's okay," I said smiling. "It happened, don't get upset about it."

"It doesn't matter," he muttered. "Your first time was with me and I made it a pretty bad experience."

"It wasn't bad, just kinda rough."

"Yes, but - oh my God!"

I winced slightly at his sudden change of tone.

"What?" I asked as I watched him walk a couple of steps forward and stop right in front of a shelf. He turned around with a box in his hand which had a picture of a very pink vibrator.

"I'm going to buy you this as an apology!" He said out loud, I winced and turned to make sure nobody was around to hear. 

"I don't want you to buy that, Mark," I crossed my arms. 

"Why not? It's all pink and sparkly," he said, smiling widely. 

"Exactly."

"What? Is pink and sparkly not your thing?" 

I just stared at him then he started heading to the checkout when I didn't answer. 

"Mark, do not buy that thing," I hissed as I chased after him. 

"I'm doing it. Take it as an apology for a really bad first time." he said over his shoulder.

"I told you it wasn't bad," I said, trying - but failing - to keep his pace. "You didn't hurt me too much, it's okay."

"I want to apologise."

Unfortunately he had already reached the cash register and put the box on the shelf, so it was too late for any more protests but I did slap his arm, causing him to laugh. 

"Would you be interested in any lubrication?" The cashier asked. 

"Oh, yeah, lube," Mark said brightly then turned to me, smirking. "Do you have some at home, babe?"

I wanted to slap him but I chose, instead, to forcefully smile back at him. 

"Yeah, honey, I have some at home."

"Excellent!" He cheered like it was the best news he'd heard all week. 

The second after we had left the shop, I raised my hand and slammed it into the back of his head.

"Hey!" He yelled, still smiling broadly.

"You're an ass," I said.

"Oh, come on, you'll love this thing as soon as it's exactly where it's supposed to be," he said as he gestured towards the bag in his hand. 

I didn't doubt his words, but I sent him an incredulous look anyway before I rolled my eyes and we began to walk down the road again. 

Apparently, Mark didn't think there was anything weird about this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm complete trash and wanted to write something that made me laugh and, well, this was the result. I'm sorry!
> 
> Have a good day/night!


	16. I hate you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack overhears Cry and Mark's conversation, Mark cooks some food and asks a pretty big question (or two)

In the last couple of weeks I swear I was getting bigger and bigger by the second. 

Both Ma and Ian wouldn't stop staring at me when I walked past and, honestly, it was making me feel uneasy. Trying to hide the truth for much longer would be impossible and I realized all this when I was standing in front of my mirror and I looked myself up and down. 

I was huge. 

I was really huge.

And when I asked Juliet if it was that bad, hoping that she'd tell me I was imagining it, she just shrugged and said "Nah, you're giant, I mean, compared to the way you usually are."

*

The days passed and I reached my thirtieth week of pregnancy. I was getting used to the frequent kicks and I was even managing to ignoring them during the night and I was actually comfortable going to sleep. On the bad side, my back was constantly sore, and it made the time at school unbearable; sometimes it was so bad that I'd have to leave and go home, it was bringing me back in my classes. 

My grades were getting worse, my body was getting bigger and my back was always sore. On a positive, Mark and I were talking almost every day, only on the phone, but who cares; we talked and that was enough for me.

Cry, Felix and Ken tried to move between Mark and I a lot once they found out the baby was okay and they'd had their own talk with Mark, they'd sit with me some days and others they'd sit with Mark and Lauren and all their other friends. By now I was used to having someone to sit with me and talk with during lunch breaks, but suddenly I was alone again, and I admit that I felt more alone than ever. 

It was okay though because I'm the days that they weren't with me, I knew that I would always be able to go home and nap then Mark would phone me later. Who knew a phone call could make someone's day?

Thursday, March 20th  
Thirty weeks

At around 6pm I found myself in a familiar position, it's become habit by now, with my phone glued to my ear and a smile on my face, listening to Mark on the other end of the line. 

"Did you realize that these phone calls are kinda routine now?"

I wanted to laugh. Obviously I had realized. We had spent the past two weeks on the phone to each other every single day at exactly six o'clock. 

"Yeah, I noticed," I said.

"Don't you think it's kinda weird?"

I frowned a little.

"What d'ya mean?"

"I don't know, I've never spent this amount of time on the phone, it's just kinda weird how I'm suddenly spending hours just talking to you."

"Umm okay," I said hesitantly, an empty feeling in my stomach. "We can stop if you want."

"No, no that's not what I meant," he said soon after. "I like talking to you."

I smiled a bit 'biting my lips.

"I like talking to you too."

"Yeah, I know."

"You know?"

"I- well, I see you at lunch when the guys aren't there, you look so alone."

"Oh."

"Yeah, I noticed it a lot, it seems sad."

Oh. He knew.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I didn't mean ta make you uncomfortable or anything."

"I didn't say that" he said amused. "I only said that I noticed you seemed sad, is everything alright?"

I shrugged, but then I realized that he couldn't see me and sighed after.

"I just feel kinda...alone, I got used to them being there and when they're not there it's just kinda...lonely," I said.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

I swallowed nervously, hoping I didn't say anything stupid, I opened my mouth to apologise when he started talking. 

"Do you want to spend some time with me at school?" He asked.

"No, that's okay," I lied.

"Are you sure? I could sit with you at lunch, at least a couple of times a week."

"No, I'm fine on my own," I said, despite my brain literally screaming at me to just tell him yes because I really like spending time with him. 

"I know you're lying."

"I'm not lying," I said with what would have seem a laugh. "I'm not completely helpless, you know, I'm completely capable of being alone and having fun."

"I don't believe, but that's okay," he mused. "Speaking of things that are fun, how was the little pink thing?"

"The pink little thing?"

"Yeah, um, my dad was right behind my door and I didn't want to say the word."

"Oh. Right, the pink little thing, "I said, my face began to turn red when I realized what he was talking about.

"Mm, so have you tried it?"

"Mark, let go of it," I grunted, not very able to suppress a smile.

"What? I just want to know if it worked."

Of course it worked, very well actually. It worked well enough to get me off so I wasn't really complaining anymore. 

"Yeah, it worked," I said.

"That's great then!" He said and I could tell he was fucking smiling, who does that? Who asks a friend those questions? Fuck!

"So .. tomorrow we have to go to the doctor, right?"

"Yeah."

"Is it at eight, again?"

"At five, God Mark, yer the one that insisted on the time."

"Do want to go straight there after school? We could stop and get something to eat or something like that."

"I think we can do that," I said, not wanting to show that my stomach was doing backflips. 

"Perfect! And, you're still okay with me being with you, right?"

"Yeah, it's okay," I said, smiling. "But if you make one comment, I will slap you."

"I'll be good, I promise."

"I believe you then."

"Good. How long do you think we'll be in tomorrow?"

"I have no idea. Why?"

"I was thinking that after it we could spend some time together if we're not out too late, it is Friday after all, we could just hang out."

My smile began to grow more and more.

"Yeah, that'd be great."

"Great, I can make us some food."

"I can't wait."

Friday, March 21st  
Thirty weeks

I woke up in a good mood the next day, I'd got up and got dressed without whining about it, eaten breakfast, hugged my Ma and, hell, I even smiled at Ian. 

Much of the snow had melted, the sun began to shine, and several things were going the right way that day. At least until lunchtime.

I entered the cafeteria and collapsed down at my usual table, tucked in the corner -out of sight. I saw Mark approaching me from his table about five minutes later, I thought he'd be going to the teach can, which was literally just behind me, but instead he sat down in front of me. 

"Hey," I said with a smile. "What's up?"

"Hey," he said, scratching the back of his head. "I-I just came to tell you that I can't go with you today."

My smile faded immediately and I looked down for a second before I met his gaze. 

"Okay," I said, trying not to show my disappointment a lot, trying to smile, but the smile appeared much more like a grimace. "It's probably better anyway, it woulda been kinda uncomfortable."

"Yeah." He nodded then he stood up again. 

I looked up at him.

"Are we still on for later?"

He scratched his head and I saw him glancing toward the table where Lauren, Ken, Cry, Felix and a dozen other guys and girls, one girl Ken seemed to have practically sitting on his knee, before turning gaze back toward me.

"No, I have a few things to do," he said.

"Okay," I said, staring at my hands which were resting on the table. 

"Sorry," was all he said in reply before walking away again.

As soon as I was sure that he was away, I glanced up and, to my horror, found that, to my horror, pretty much the whole table was staring at me except from Mark and Ken, who was too busy talking to that girl to even notice something was wrong, Felix and Cry we're looking between us and I could tell Felix was confused, to say the least. Everyone else was just really confused and Lauren looked really, really smug about something. 

Knowing that if I sat there and allowed everybody to look at me I'd start to feel like an idiot, I picked up my things and darted out of the canteen, forgetting that I hadn't even eaten yet. The corridors were completely empty, except from a few teachers that would glance at me as they walked past. I got to my locker and I almost collapsed right there. My good mood was completely gone and replaced with complete disappointment. 

I headed for English, pretending to pay attention when in fact my mind was far away, thinking about a life where I was ignored by all, where I was still a virgin, where I was not pregnant and where Mark Fischbach was just one of the many anonymous members of the crowd. I missed that life, I used to think it was a bad thing to be ignored but let's face it; it's was getting noticed that got me into this shit.

I thought back to when Mark told me he wanted to keep the baby, I hadn't completely discarded the idea but...I said I would think about it. Maybe not now, when I was ready. 

For what must have been the hundredth time that month, I decided to skip my class and go home. If I had any luck then I knew I'd be able to go for a nap before I had to go meet Dr Hayes. I was just about to whiz around the corner to the school gates when I heard a familiar voice.

"-he likes you, you big idiot," said Cry. 

"You're crazy," that was Mark, and I heard him chuckle.

After I looked around for a couple of seconds, I realised they were at my left and I wouldn't be able to move from here without them seeing me. I wasn't exactly enthusiastic about interrupting their conversation. 

"Why is it crazy?"

"Because...I don't know! It just is!"

"No, it isn't. It makes perfect sense, you'd realise that if you'd open your eyes and stop making eyes at that bitch you call your girlfriend."

"Don't talk about her like that!"

"You know it's the truth." Cry shot back. "The way she treats you, she's beyond being a bitch, you're lucky that's the only word I used." 

"Well, okay, she can be a bitch but I love her, okay?"

"Whatever, just don't forget that there's someone else who's kinda head over heels for you."

"Why the hell would he like me?"

He? There was a 'he' that liked Mark?

"Why wouldn't he, Mark?" Cry sighed. "You took his virginity, he's pregnant with your baby and you spend so much time together your girlfriend is jealous, it's not that crazy!"

I closed my eyes for a second. They were talking about me. He was talking about me and that I liked Mark. 

"All this has nothing to do with your theory that he likes me, Cry, it just means that we met because we got into a weird situation and we've become friends."

"Mark, you should've seen him when you walked away at lunch today, he looked like his whole world just shattered, that doesn't have anything to do with the baby, it has something to do with you."

Okay, apparently I was extremely obvious.

"What did you say to him anyway?" Cry asked. 

"When?"

"At lunch."

"Nothing, just-"

"Mark, for fuck's sake, stop lying to me!"

"Okay, sorry," Mark sighed. "It's just that I- well, I offered to go with him to the doctor today and after that we were gonna spend some time at my place and then Lauren asked if I wanted to spend the night at her place and I had to cancel our plans."

"But if you made plans with Jack then why did you say yes to Lauren?"

"You know very well she would break up with me if I kept ditching her for Jack, it wasn't important anyway, it was a doctors appointment and then just hanging out, we do that all the time."

"Maybe you should start thinking about how he feels, maybe it was important to him."

"Why?"

"Mark," Cry groaned. "You see him every day sitting at that table alone and he looks fucking miserable; maybe he just wants to spend time with someone and you're the one he talks to, Mark. Maybe he needs time to get things off his chest, things like this matter."

"Okay, yeah, that doesn't mean he likes me though." 

"Mark-,"

"Can we just stop this?"

"Why do you insist on not believing me?"

"Because it's not true."

There was a pause, but then I heard Cry sigh.

"You were his first time, Mark," he said. "Do you remember that girl, the one that was your first time and you went completely crazy for her?"

"This isn't the same thing."

"You're right, this isn't, because there wasn't a baby involved that time. He likes you, accept it. I understand that all this is kinda scary cause he's a guy but don't act like a jackass, please, think about what you're doing from now on, I don't want you to hurt him."

"Okay, okay, I'll be good."

"Good. So you can cancel your plans with Lauren and go with Jack."

"No."

"Mark ..."

"I can't, okay? She'll break up with me if I don't start paying attention to her."

"Okay, you do what you want."

"Thank you. Can we head back to the car now? I'm pretty sure Felix is gonna be lost without you."

Cry chuckled. 

"Yeah, sure, let's go."

I was relieved that they were going to the cars because that meant they wouldn't be coming back this way, I waited for them to move and as soon as I knew they were far enough away not to hear me, I exhaled loudly, I hadn't even realised I was holding my breath. 

"Christ," I whispered to myself as I began to walk again, turning the same corner where Cry and Mark had been minutes before. 

Cry knew that I liked Mark, but Mark refused to believe it. 

I didn't know wether I should be relieved or not. 

*

The house was, as expected, empty when I arrived back home. I headed up to my bedroom almost instantly and quickly swapped out my jeans for a pair of pyjama bottoms and my sweater for another oversized shirt. 

I was pretty sure that I'd had never had such a big disappointment like this; I felt physically destroyed, as if something was gripping in a vice my lungs, and it was all so ridiculous, right? It wasn't like it was a date or anything but I would've been nice to just...spend some time with him. I closed my eyes and let out a heavy sigh. 

"Stupid Life," I muttered. "Stupid school, stupid Ma, stupid Ian, stupid Mark, stupid baby-"

A kick.

I opened my eyes and smiled, giving a pat to my stomach.

"Sorry, you're not stupid," I sighed. "At least, I hope you aren't, but let's face it, if you inherited your dads brains then you're not gonna be the smartest kid around; not that I'm exactly Einstein but, y'know, your daddy's a little dumb sometimes."

After another couple of minutes talking to the baby, earning a couple of kicks in response and, after a while, I let my body sleep, I was so exhausted that when I closed my eyes, I fell asleep. My dreams weren't nightmares anymore; no more weird dolls or people chasing me, none of that. It was quiet, peaceful. 

I woke up when something, someone, touched my head. 

I opened my eyes hesitantly, not one hundred percent sure I wanted to wake up. 

It took me a few seconds to realise what was going on but a hand was petting my hair softly. I averted my gaze upwards, seeing Mark at the side of my bed, smiling at me. 

"Jack? Are you awake? " Mark asked, looking at me quizzically.

"I dunno," I mumbled, I rubbed my eyes in an attempt to ward off the tiredness. "How did you get in here?"

"Your sister, she's pretty scary by the way, she was staring at me like she was gonna kick my ass as soon as I turned my back."

"She was probably thinking about it, but .. why are you here? "

"I felt guilty for cancelling," he said. "I thought it'd be nice to come by and ask how you're doing and ask about the appointment and stuff"

I rubbed my eyes, blinking with confusion.

"Appointment?"

"Yeah, the appointment with the doctor,"

"Oh, shit, what time is it?"

"Almost seven," he said. "You forgot?"

"I fell asleep, I forgot to set an alarm," I muttered.

He smiled and started stroking my hair again.

"You're distracted."

"No, I'm just tired," I said, quietly enjoying his caresses. "Anyway, aren't ya supposed ta be with Lauren?"

"Yeah, but- wait, how do you know?"

My eyes widened a little when I remembered that I had to pretend that I didn't know anything. 

"I guessed," I said immediately. "You said you were busy, so I thought that'd be the case."

"Right. But anyway, as I said, I felt guilty for leaving, so .. here I am. Do you wanna do something?"

I was very confused, to be honest, but instead of trying to get answers, potentially annoying him, I got up out of bed (or rolled). 

"Yeah, just let me dressed," I said before stretching my arms and cracking my back. 

"Nice clothes by the way," Mark snickered, still sitting where he was before. 

"I'm pregnant, I can wear whatever I want," I said. 

"True, but pyjama pants and that shirt? This is a red stamp of fashion."

"A red stamp?" I asked. "Somebody here has been watching too much 'project runway'."

He rolled his eyes and stood up. 

"I just said that you lack fashion sense." He smirked. 

"Be nice."

"Yes, mom,"

"I thought I told ya not ta call me 'mom'."

"Sorry, Dad."

"There we go."

I started rummaging around in my closet, trying to find what I needed. 

"Okay, what are we gonna do?"

"Huh?"

"Are we going out, staying in, or what?"

"I don't know. My mom and dad are away all weekend and my brothers are with my aunt, so, we've got my place to ourselves and I can make you food."

"Think we can have bacon?" I asked. "I'm really craving bacon." 

"Sure, we can have bacon," he said, chuckling. 

"Fantastic. Well, if it's gonna be just us in your house then I'm gonna wear something comfortable and probably really ugly." I said absently. 

"Why don't you just wear what you're wearing now?"

"I was planning on wearing the pants," I said, pulling a red sweater out of the closet. "But I'm gonna get cold in this shirt and it kinda feels disgusting."

"Well, change on so we can go before it gets late."

"Yeah, yeah, calm down," I said before pulling my shirt off, I then realised that Mark was right there and I'd taken my shirt off, my stomach was out and very, very big. He didn't say anything so I tried to act normal. 

"I wonder what this is gonna look like when the thing is out."

"Please don't refer to my daughter as a 'thing'," Mark said, taking a few steps forwards. "She will be a tender, screaming, wet, red as a lobster, little baby; she's not a thing. "

I burst out laughing.

"Yeah, alright, I stand corrected; Our daughter isn't a thing, she's just disgusting."

He smiled happily and walked another step closer, now so close that my shoulders were against his chest. 

"I'm glad you understand," he said before placing both hands on either side of my belly. This action was so unexpected that I let out a squeak and jumped a little, making him laugh. 

"Do you do this every time someone touched you?" He asked.

I blushed and looked up to see my reflection in the mirror. My face was flushed and I was right up against Mark, his hands were placed on either side of my belly and he was smiling. 

"No, not every time," I told him. "Only sometimes."

"That's kinda sad" he said, moving his hands forward and leaning in closer. 

"Jesus Christ, not this again," I said, rolling her eyes slightly. "I'm a loner, I'm fine."

"Not that," he said. "Nobody should jump when they're touched, there's clearly something wrong."

"I'll work on it, can we stop talking about this?"

"Sure."

"So, are ya gonna step away and let me get dressed or do ya prefer me half-naked?"

"Whatever makes you feel comfortable," he quipped, pressing his cheek against the side of my head. 

"Yeah now I feel comfortable," I spat out before I even had time to think. My cheeks began to color immediately. "Sorry, I was just as well .. sorry."

He didn't answer right away, but he didn't move. He kept his eyes fixed on my reflection, no expression on his face, and after a while he spoke. 

"I had a talk with Cry today," he said finally.

I know, I basically listened to the entire conversation.

"Okay," was all I managed to croak. 

"He had a theory, I think we can call it that."

I swallowed hard before murmuring a faint "okay". My heartbeat was increasing dramatically and my face was getting hotter and hotter with each passing second. In fact, my entire body was heating up with every passing moment and I was almost convinced that Mark would notice because it he leaning against me like that and his hands were still on the bump. 

"Jack, I hate to ask you this, really," he said, rubbing his cheek against my head. "But .. I do y-"

"We should go now," I interrupted abruptly before taking a step to the side, forcing myself out of his grip. "It's getting late and, yeah, we should go," I continued, my voice a tad hysterical. 

I squatted down and grabbed the red sweater that I had dropped on the floor a few minutes before and I quickly pulled it over my head. Mark was still in the same spot as before and was staring at me. To my relief he shrugged as if to say 'sure' then smiled. 

"Okay, let's go then," he said.

We left the room and started heading downstairs, at the bottom we met Ma and Ian. Ma was dressed up and Ian was in a suit. 

"Oh, hi," I said, when I looked up at them. "Where are ya going?"

"Out to dinner," said Ma before looking at Mark. 

"And who is he?" She asked with a smile. 

"Oh, uh, this is Mark, he's my friend from school," I said, pointing over my shoulder.

"It's nice to meet you, Mark," said Ma. 

"Jack, we have to go, we have a reservation for eight and we probably won't be home before midnight."

"You're having dinner for four hours?"

"Ian and I are meeting some friends for some drinks afterwards."

"Okay, I'm going out with Mark, so, is Juliet here?"

"No, she went to a party and said she's staying with Max tonight."

"Who's Max?"

"A new friend most likely."

I rolled my eyes; Juliet's made friends more often than I changed my socks so it wasn't a surprise- I couldn't even comprehend how she was able to have such an avid social life.

"Okay."

Ma smiled and lifted the bag on her shoulder.

"Well, we're going, lock the door when you leave, okay?"

I nodded.

"Sure."

Both offered a quick "bye" before opening the door and leaving.

"So that was your mom and your evil stepfather?" Mark said after the door was closed.

"Don't call him that but yeah, that'd be them," I said as I slipped on my shoes.

"They look nice."

"Yeah, they are," I said with a shrug. "Or, well, my Ma is okay, Ian is ...boring, we barely know him and we live in the same house, and he just feels really...off to me."

"It could be worse."

"Probably. I said. 

 

 

*

When I asked Mark for bacon, I didn't mean this. He really liked to make things big. 

"You really made bacon wrapped hot dogs, baked potato, cheese and bacon and mixed bacon into the fucking salad?"

"Yep," he said as he sat next to me on the couch with his plate in his lap. "You said you wanted some bacon, so I made you a lot of bacon."

"This is beyond just 'some bacon'."

"So you don't want it?"

"No, of course I do!" I exclaimed, perhaps stronger than necessary. "It looks great, I mean it looks fattening as fuck and I'm probably gonna put on ten pounds just from looking at it but it looks great."

Mark laughed and nudged my arm. 

"Do you want to watch a movie?"

I shrugged.

"What do ya have?" 

Mark stood up and opened a cupboard filled with DVDs. Actual physical copies of DVDs. 

"We have...Dirty Dancing?" He said holding up one DVD. 

"Seriously?" I chuckled. "I thought I was the gay one."

"What does that have to do with being gay?" He asked, confused.

"The stereotypes are fuckin' reeking outta me, man."

"Stereotyping your people, awful." Mark said, laughing. 

"Are you saying every gay man is one of my people?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "We're not aliens."

"Would you hurt me if I said yes?"

"I don't wanna get up so you might be lucky."

"Well, since I wouldn't say every straight guy is one of my people, I'm gonna not be a complete douchebag and say that not every gay man is one of your people," he said as he opened the DVD cover and put the disc in the player.

"Good answer," I said with a smile, lifting a bacon wrapped hotdog to my lips. 

"Thanks," he said as he stood up and approached again to the couch.

"Holy shit, that's good," I said through a mouthful of food. "You have a comfortable bed, you're the father of my baby and you cook; marry me please," I exclaimed once I'd swallowed the food in my mouth. 

"Yeah, of course, I'll be gay for you, just because you were so sweet about it." He said and fake swooned. 

He took two remote controls from the table and pressed a couple of buttons on both, turning on the TV. 

"So, a plate full of bacon and Dirty Dancing; Tell me if this isn't the most amazing Friday night you've ever had." he said after pressing the play button on the DVD menu.

"It's the most amazing Friday night I've ever had" I said honestly, even if it wasn't for the food or the movie, it was because he was right there next to me and he was just being nice and he was so...at ease. We were at ease. 

"If ya don't mind em asking" I said, and he looked back at me whilst chewing a piece of hotdog. "Why aren't you with Lauren?"

"We had a fight," he said, rolling his eyes slightly.

"Oh ... About what?" I asked, hoping silently that I wasn't the cause...again. 

"It was a stupid fight," he said, gesturing with his fork in the air. "She thinks that when we're together my minds somewhere else."

I did not know what to say, so I mumbled another "oh" and continued eating. We sat there eating and watching the movie in silence for about fifteen minutes before Mark opened his mouth again.

"I was wondering if there is something between Felix and Cry," he said.

"Um, what do you mean?" I said, keeping my eyes glued to the TV in fear that he would notice my nervousness if I looked at him. 

"I don't know, they're acting weird lately," he said. "I went to Cry's place the other day, we were supposed to go get his mom a birthday present, and when I opened the door Felix literally ran from one end of the room to another."

The uneasy feeling grew further in my chest as he spoke and I slightly moved by how I was sitting, trying to ease some of the discomfort.

"What other things?" I asked hesitantly.

"Little things, for example, they look at each other longer than necessary and they touch a lot. Not intimately or anything, they just seem to touch a lot, like they're sitting next to each other and they have to be touching, like they'll die if they don't."

"Maybe you're a bit paranoid," I said sheepishly.

He raised his eyebrows and smiled.

"Paranoid?"

"Maybe, I don't know," I said.

"I think it's possible," he shrugged. "I keep thinking that there's something more though."

There is something more, but I'm not going to be the one to tell you, I thought.

"You should ask them," I said.

He chuckled.

"That would be great; hey Cry, Felix, I notice you two keep touching each other and you stare at each other a lot, are you two fucking?."

"There's less vulgar ways to ask."

"Yeah? Like?"

"For example, asking if everything is okay, if there's something they want to tell you or ... I don't know, maybe you should just reassure them that if something is happening, they should feel free to tell you because whatever it is, it won't be a problem."

"If they'd killed someone then it'd be my problem to tell you the truth." 

"You know what I mean."

"I know," it was the last thing he said before the room became quiet again, except for the sounds coming from the TV.

I had seen the movie a dozen times with Dodger and never once had I paid full attention to the screen, this time was no different. My mind was stuck on Cry and Felix, I wasn't really close to them but I did promise to keep quiet about their relationship. I'd managed to throw Mark off a little but he might bring it up to them in the near future. 

"You know, this movie actually sucks?" Mark said shortly before the film ended.

I looked at him quizzically.

"What?"

"The characters have no personality," he said thoughtfully. "They look so cold and distant all the time, I'm not the only one that sees that, right?"

"I've never noticed, no."

"When are you gonna book another appointment?"

"I don't know," I shrugged. "I guess I'll just call and take the first available day."

"Do you mind if I come with you?"

"You should've come today, so no, I don't mind," I said.

"You're not angry with me then?"

I frowned.

"Angry with you?" I asked. "For what?"

"For leaving."

I shrugged not very convincingly.

"No, I'm not mad at you."

"But ... why not?"

Because I like you so damn much that I can't be mad at you and it's fucking shit. 

"I don't know, I'm just...not. Anyway, we're here now so that's all that matters."

"Well, yeah, but-"

"What do you want me to say?" I interrupted with a little laugh, and placed my plate on the table. "That I'm furious with you?"

He smiled wryly.

"I suppose not. It's just weird, you don't get upset about stuff people usually would, I would."

I chose to take it as a compliment. 

"Thank you."

"Please," he chuckled before placing his plate next to mine. He sat back down in a different position, he shifted so that his body was in a corner between the armrest and the backrest. "Do you wanna cuddle?" He asked, moulding out his arms. 

I raised my eyebrows. 

"Really?" Was all I said but I was proud of myself for not stuttering out an answer. He smiled.

"Yeah, come on, I like couch-cuddling!"

"Couch-cuddling," I said amused. "I don't think that's a word."

"Well, technically it is now since I used it," he said without accepting replicas. "So, do you wanna couch-cuddle or not?"

I hesitated for a brief second, For my own sanity, I shouldn't. I really shouldn't. My willpower was never strong though, and not when it came to Mark especially, so I found myself slowly moving over and sitting in between his legs. Wait, did he want me to lean back on his chest or what?

"You can lean on me, you idiot," he chuckled, apparently realizing the reason for my hesitation.

"Sorry, sorry," I said as I leaned back carefully and my head rested right against his shoulder. 

"Huh, it's perfect," he said as he wrapped his arms around my stomach. "Our bodies fit together perfectly; Nice isn't it?"

My cheeks grew warm and all I could say in response was mumbling "yeah."

"It is," he said. "Are you comfortable?"

I turned my head to look at him and smiled. 

"Yeah, I'm fine."

He smiled.

"Good."

I let my gaze return to the film by it wasn't long before Mark spoke again. 

"Have you thought about it?"

I looked at him again, this time in confusion.

"Thought about what?"

"If you're willing to keep her."

My stomach did a flip.

"No, not much" I said hesitantly. He sighed, and I saw his mouth curl slightly.

"You know you'll have to make a decision very soon, right?"

"I know," I said. "But I'm most likely gonna give her up, you know, so..."

He frowned.

"Actually I didn't know," he said. "You said you'd think about keeping her."

"I'm still thinking," I said quickly. "But I'm still more likely to give her up at this point."

His frown slowly turned into pure disappointment, it made me feel like the bad guy.

"But ... She's our daughter," he said. "Our daughter, not someone else's."

"That's not the point," I said tired. "The point is that I need ta consider what's best for me, you and her and I don't think keeping her is what's best for any of us."

"I'll do it."

"But I won't."

"Well, then I'll keep her and you won't have to do anything."

I looked at him open-mouthed, surprised by the sudden hardness in his voice.

"You-you can't, Mark," I stammered.

"I'm pretty sure I could win a custody case, you'd be giving her up for adoption and I want her."

"You would you go-Mark, you cannot be saying this ," I said weakly, staring at him with wide eyes. "You can't be that desperate to keep her."

He swallowed loudly before nodding.

"I am, I don't want her to be raised by anybody but me, I won't let that happen."

He blinked once, twice, three times. I knew he wanted to keep her, but I didn't know that he wanted it this much. He was so set on raising our daughter that he'd get judges, lawyers and the court involved if necessary. Was I willing to let it get to that? I already knew the answer. No, I wasn't. I knew that I would not be able to let Mark raise her without being involved in her life. If she was raised by strangers then I'd have nothing to do with her but if Mark took her then I'd have to be, I couldn't not be involved. She would always be in my life but not as my daughter but as Mark's daughter.

"That isn't an option," I muttered. "Either we do it together or we don't do it at all, I can't believe you put me in this situation!"

"What do you mean?"

I moved from where I sat, making myself more comfortable before answering. 

"What you're saying is that we either do this together, or you're going ta go ta court and get custody, then, make me watch my daughter grow up without being part of her life. Do ya realise what you're doing? You can't take into account how this is for me because I'd never choose the latter."

"I didn't mean to put you in the situation," he said. "But since you put it that way, I can understand what you're saying."

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.

"Give me a couple more weeks to think about it, okay?"

"Yeah, sure," he said with a nod.

"Do you realize that if we decide to keep her, there's a million things we have to think about?" I said. "We have to decide how to resolve the whole issue of housing, where we're gonna live, how we're going to continue on to college, how we're work and take care of her at the same time, what we say to our families and our friends, it's gonna be a big thing if you just turn up out of the blue with a daughter and no explanation. 

"I know, I know," he said with a wry smile. "I know, I thought about it but we can really talk when you've made a decision."

I nodded.

"Yeah, okay."

He smiled and leaned a little closer to press a quick kiss on my forehead. To say that I was surprised is an understatement, and when he pulled back, I couldn't avoid looking stunned.

"What?" He questioned. 

"N-nothing," I said, my voice changing to higher pitch than usual. 

He looked at me for a moment before bending down and kissing my forehead again. This time his lips lingered for a few seconds and my eyelids shut. It was a simple little gesture on his part but my heart was racing. When he finally pulled away, I continued to keep my eyes closed. 

Except for the sounds coming from the TV, the room was quiet for a long time and I continued to keep my eyes closed. I had no idea what he was doing, all I knew was that he was sitting behind me and that his face was pretty close to mine.

"Jack?"

I blurted out an embarrassing squeak when I felt his breath on my lips and I realized that he was much closer than I thought. Very slowly and very hesitant, I opened my eyes and our eyes met. I was pretty sure that I wouldn't be able to say anything, even if I tried, so I opted to just look at him, begging him to do something.

We spent a few minutes in silence before he raised one of his hands and placed it on my cheek. My breathing became rapid. Was he going to kiss me? I wove our hands together, a feature to tell him that I needed him to do something. 

My heart was beating so fast now that I was afraid I might have a heart attack. 

"Can I ask you something, Jack?" He breathed.

"Yeah."

"Do you like me?"

At that point I was pretty sure that he was going to kiss me. 

"Yeah."

It proved to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life, right after fucking Mark without a condom 7 months earlier. 

"Cry was right then," he said, his voice back to normal. 

It took me a while 'to understand what had just happened, but when I did, my eyes widened, my heart stopped beating and the familiar lump of disappointment and humiliation reappeared in my throat. 

He'd done this to...test if Cry was right? I fucking fell for it, I felt like an idiot and now he knew the truth. 

Without saying another word, I freed myself from his arms, shoving them to the sides and stood up, walking right out of the room. 

I knew that if I went down the hall to get my shoes and jacket, he'd catch me before I even had time to open the door, so I walked right into the bathroom three doors down. Luckily they had a lock on the door and after making sure that Mark couldn't get in, I leaned back against the wall and slid down onto the tiled floor, leaning my head on my arms. 

Of all the humiliating situations that Mark had put me in, this was the worst because as well as being humiliated, I was also sad, stupid, pathetic, immature and ... confused. 

He'd pretended he was going to kiss me, he gave me hope that maybe - for once - something was going to go my way, of course he quickly tore that down. 

Fucking bastard. Now I could also add 'anger' to my list of emotions.

'Pain' was still the dominant feeling though. 

A little hiccup found it's way out of my mouth that gave way to what appeared to be a flood of noisy sobs. I shook vigorously my knees, pressing as close to my body as my stomach would allow and tried to do so as quietly as possible.

I sat there for what seemed like years, but in reality it was five minutes at most and in those five minutes, I let everything out. My anger, my frustration, my sadness and my fear, I let it all out then there was a knock on the door. 

"Please come out of there," said Mark's voice on the other side of the door.

I didn't answer, I just watched the closed door. "Answer me," he continued, when he realized that I wasn't going to answer, he tried again. "I know you're in there."

Fucking genius, I thought bitterly.

"Don't do this."

I'm sorry, I'm just getting over the fact that I feel completely humiliated by the guy I've had a crush on for months, sorry, nothing too serious. 

"Jack, you're acting like a child."

Fuck you.

"You know, this is my house, I could call the police and say there's a stranger in my bathroom who's refusing to come out."

...

"I'm serious, Jack."

I clenched my jaw and balled my hands into fists then stood up. For a couple of seconds, I stood just watching the door handle, pondering whether to stay there and see what Mark did or leave. But then I raised my hand, I turned the key in the lock and opened the door.

"Jack thank g-" he began, smiling, but before he could finish, I reached out and pushed him away, forcing him back a few steps. His smile was replaced with a frown. 

"What's wrong?" He asked. Then he raised his eyebrows in confusion. "Were you crying?"

I narrowed my eyes.

"Fuck you," I said through clenched teeth before marching towards the front door. 

"Jack, come on, what's the problem?" He asked, walking behind me.

I didn't answer, but I concentrated on leaving the house as soon as possible. 

Once I reached my goal, I pulled my jacket on quickly and pulled on my shoes, rushing to leave before Mark could get to me. 

"Can you please tell me what's wrong?" Repeated Mark. He was standing beside me and I could feel his eyes watching me intently.

"If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you," I snapped as I slipped on the first shoe.

"But ... I don't understand," he said unsure.

"Well that doesn't fucking surprise me, you're not exactly the brightest," I muttered angrily. I had put on both shoes and I stood up so that we were face to face. 

He was biting his lip, looking confused. 

"Would it help if I told you that I'm sorry?" He asked hesitantly.

I let out a cold laugh.

"No, it wouldn't help."

"Can not you at least tell me what I did?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Figure it out yerself."

"But I don't understand, I'm too stupid, as you have so kindly told me, so tell me what's wrong and I'll try to fix it."

"You can't fix it," I said.

"Maybe I can."

"No you can't."

"Jack, shit, just tell me what I did."

"No."

"Jack!"

"No!"

"Don't make me lock this door, Jack."

"Fuck you!"

"Tell me!"

"You wouldn't understand!"

"How do you know?"

"You've never been in my situation!"

"What situation?"

I looked down and took a deep breath to calm myself. 

"Nothing," I said. "I'm leaving, you don't have to come to the appointments with me all the time, make that ever, and ya don't have'ta talk to me, consider me out of yer life."

I was about to turn around and walk out the door but before I could do that, he grabbed my shoulders, holding me in place. 

"You can't just say things like that and expect me to accept them without an explanation" he said softly.

I looked back and swallowed when I met his gaze.

"Yes I can."

He shook his head. 

"No you can't."

There was a brief pause before he spoke again.

"Why won't you tell me what I did? I promise I won't get angry or upset or any of that."

I closed my eyes for a second and took a deep breath. He already knew that I liked him, he knew because of my stupidity. It was all ruined anyway so what else did I have to lose?

"I ... I thought you were gonna kiss me," I whispered. "I thought you were finally gonna kiss me."

His expression froze. 

"You- you thought-" he began slowly.

"That you were gonna give me what I wanted," I interrupted, my voice more secure than usual. "That didn't happen, you just wanted to check if Cry was right that the stupid loser ya got pregnant actually felt that way about ya. And now you know he does and I'm so fucking embarrassed and hurt and disappointed that I can't even describe it. So let me go. Let me go home. "

"No, Jack, I didn't mean-"

"You said you weren't gonna hurt me," I said coldly. "You just thought it would be a fun experiment, toy with my heart and all that bullshit."

"Will you stop interrupting me before I can finish my sentences?"

"No."

"Jack, you're acting like-"

"Let me go!" I yelled, trying to break free of his grip, but without any success. "You've done enough damage, I don't need to-"

"I didn't know you liked me!"

Now it was him who was screaming and his sudden change of tone made me wince slightly. "Why were you stupid enough to fall for me?"

"I don't decide who I fall for, Mark," I hissed. "If I did, then I'd never have been this hurt. I'm gonna have ta thank ya fer helping me take another step towards getting fucking over you."

With these words, I opened the door and walked out before slamming it closed. But again, I was stopped before I'd even taken another step. I whipped around to find Mark standing there again. 

"What?" 

"I-I didn't want to hurt you" he said carefully. "I didn't know, I thought Cry was crazy."

"And apparently, I'm an idiot," I said.

"I didn't say that."

I sighed before I turned toward him.

"You say and do a lot of things you don't mean to do, Mark," I said. "And every time I forgave you because I like you and I wanted you to like me back. That's why I let that thing happen in my room, I-I thought for a second you wanted it too and I wanted to be as close to you as fucking possible. Then this happened and it just reminded me that I'm a stupid fucking mess."

Mark didn't say anything but he stepped forwards, closing the space between us and wrapped his arms around me. 

"Do not touch me," I protested weakly. "Do not feel sorry for me, I don't need your pity."

My protests hadn't been very convincing, especially since I didn't make any physical efforts to get away from him. It took a few short seconds before I was burying my face in his neck and fucking crying again. 

"It'll be okay," he whispered softly in my ear.

"You let me believe that, for once, I was gonna get what I wanted," I cried. "But you can never like me the way I like to you, and it sucks. It sucks and it hurts and I hate you, and now it is even worse because I really thought that you wanted to do it, but you didn't and all you wanted was to test a stupid theory and there's real fucking feelings involved and I'm so fucking humiliated and hurt and I hate you and-"

"Jack, you're babbling," he interrupted quietly.

"Sorry," I whispered, sobbing.

"It's alright."

There was a brief silence, then Mark spoke again. 

"Do you want me to kiss you?"

I blinked and my crying suddenly stopped.

"What?" 

He didn't answer. 

"What?" I repeated.

He shrugged slightly.

"Do you want me to kiss you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, I got carried away again and things happened (my inner trashcan is taking over and it's beautiful). Things are happening guys, whoop whoop! i don't know why I'm getting so excited about all this! 
> 
> Have a great day/night guys! I'm gonna have a good one!


	17. He talks about you all the time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cry and Felix return and they've got a lot to say.

Friday, March 21st   
Thirty weeks

"W-why a-are ya asking if I wanna k-kiss ya?" I stammered. 

"Because I want to know if you want to kiss me."

"But why do you want to know?"

"Can you answer the question?"

"I-I thought we had already established that I wanted you to."

"Do you want to kiss me?"

My face flared and I nodded slowly, I didn't talk because I was sure that if I did then my mouth would betray me. 

"Then I'll kiss you," he said quietly.

"You'll what?" I said, mouth wide open. 

He smiled weakly.

"You want me to kiss you, then I'll kiss you. It's pretty simple. "

"No, no, no," I said, shaking my head. "I don't want ya to kiss me."

"You just said that you wanted me to."

"Yeah, only if you wanted to kiss me too," I said, rolling my eyes. "I don't want to kiss you when you don't wanna do it too."

"I'm a good actor."

"I doubt you're that good."

"You don't know that."

"Yeah, but-."

"I am!"

"Yeah, and I'm the- mff."

My eyes widened and my words were muffled. Mark had ignored my protests and had kissed me, I was too surprised, to even try to enjoy it. I doubt either of us were enjoying it because this kiss was dry and forced and I could hear Mark fussing. 

He stepped back a few seconds later and smiled. 

"It probably would've been much easier for you to enjoy this kiss if you hadn't locked your lips so tight."

"Mark, I-I said I didn't want this," I muttered, my eyes fixed forwards. I couldn't move, it was almost like I was paralysed. 

"Yeah, well, your eyes told me something else," he said. "Let's try kissing for real this time, okay?"

I swallowed.

"Let me start; we're outside in the freezin' cold and I don't want this, not if you don't want it too, it wouldn't feel right." 

"I couldn't care about being outside but if you want we can go inside."

"N-no, Mark, you have a girlfriend and while I don't like her, I'm not gonna the guy you kissed and feel guilty about later," I said. "You know I said that I-I don't wanna, and I'm not gonna repeat why, you know why!"

He smiled slightly before turning reaching forwards and grabbing my hand. 

"Come on," Mark said with a small smile, once a few seconds had passed in complete silence. Then he stepped forwards again. 

"Mark, if we kiss now this would be the worst decision of our lives, you have a girlfriend and, I need ta start getting over you."

"No," he said after a few seconds of hesitation. "No, it won't be."

I was not entirely convinced whether to believe him or not then I realised I had to pick one of two choices; wait or run. 

He lifted a tentative hand and laid it gently on my cheek. It wasn't the first time he touched me like this but now it seemed much more intimate. 

Every second felt like an eternity, but then I felt something soft and cautious settling on my lips and suddenly instinct took control of my whole body. The hand that rested on my face slipped slightly and came to rest behind my neck, and I allowed my own hands, both trembling, to find their way to his waist. For a few seconds, we were there, our mouths had barely touched, and for a moment I was sure that he was going to pull back and say it was a mistake, I was mistaken as he pulled me forwards with no hesitation.

He pulled me as close to him as my stomach would allow and we spent several minutes exchanging needy, gasping kisses that made my insides flip and I was terrified of breaking the kiss, scared he'd say something, scared I'd do something. 

But just as I was getting used to the constant feeling of my heart beating faster, I felt his tongue trailing across my lower lip, and a strange burning hot sensation appeared that started in my chest and spread throughout my entire body. 

I was not an expert kisser, I could admit that, but judging from the way Mark was reacting, I supposed that I was doing okay. His hands slipped from my neck and rested down behind my back and he tried to pull me closer, as if that was even possible. 

My knees were getting weaker by the minute, he let out a sigh of contentment, this time accompanied by a hint of what seemed to be a moan. 

His hands glided from my back and rested on my stomach where he began to draw lines with his thumbs, as if he was massaging it. That was enough to snap me out of whatever daze I was in. Mark wasn't kissing me because he wanted to, or because he thought I looked good or because he like me in any way; It was because I was carrying his child, he wasn't in love with me; it was her. 

I released my grip on his waist and pressed my hands on his chest, softly pushing him away, trying to ignore how much a part of me was protesting. 

It took me some time to recover, trying, and failing, to calm my heart before I had the courage to look at him. He was just in front of me, his cheeks pink, staring at me again. 

"I-I have to go. Sorry for...sorry." I mumbled and turned away.

I didn't look back at him when I began hurrying away and he didn't say anything.

My mind was an absolute chaos and I was sure that my face reflected my mood. 

Mark and I had kissed. His lips and his tongue had been in close contact with mine for a couple of minutes and Christ .. it was fantastic. He was right when he told me he was a good actor because if I hadn't known, I would've thought he was enjoying the kiss too. 

I reached the end of the road and stopped there, twenty meters from a supermarket and leaned against a tree before issuing a sigh as I rubbed a hand over my face. 

What the heck had just happened? 

Mark had been pretty insistent that this wouldn't change anything, it wouldn't be awkward, but I knew it would from the second I pulled away from him. He knew that I liked him and I knew that every single time he saw me, he'd probably think about it. I wanted to slap myself, I should've just kept my mouth shut then we could've stayed friends, I could continue my dumb crush and everything would be okay. But no, I had to go and say something, fuck!

With a full sigh of irritation towards myself, I pulled out my cell phone from my jacket and phoned my mom, there was no way in hell I was walking from here all the way to the other side of town at eleven at night. It rang for a few seconds but she didn't answer; I then realised she was away out to dinner and her phone would likely be on silent, I sighed and pressed the end call button. I stood there for a few seconds, wondering what to do before I found Dodger's name in my contacts and decided to phone he'd. As I waited there and watched the road, the phone rang again and again and again but she didn't answer and all I heard was;

"Hey, it's Brooke, I'm sleeping or something, leave a message and I'll get back to you!"

I lowered the phone and pressed the 'end call' button, again, without even bothering to leave a message.

So Ma didn't answer, Dodger didn't answer, going back to Mark wasn't even an option so I had no other choice but to walk across town at eleven at night, whilst seven months pregnant and wearing pyjama bottoms. The very thought made me want to cry with despair, but nonetheless I put my phone back in my pocket and began walking. 

I had only walked for a minute and a half when I thought of something else, so I stopped walking. I had next to no energy and barely enough to walk all the way across town, there was one thing I hadn't considered though. I scrolled through my phone back before finding what I wanted. 

Felix was saved in my phone under "Felix" with about four smiley emojis after his name. I doubted that he would be angry if I had called, but then again, it was eleven o'clock, so there was also the possibility that he was sleeping. 

Waking up Felix because I really needed a ride home wasn't what I wanted to do but it was really the only choice I had. I stood there pacing back and forth, thinking about the pros and cons in my head, and finally praying to God that Felix wouldn't get upset if I called. 

It took about ten seconds before he picked up and I heard him breathing heavily on the other end of the line. 

"Very bad timing." Felix said, he didn't sound annoyed. 

"Oh, I-I'm sorry," I stammered.

"Jack?" 

I heard someone move, and a muffled voice on the other side, o couldn't understand what was said. 

"Are you alright?" He asked.

"Yes, or no, actually- well yes, but not really, oh God, I'm sorry I called you, I really- no, never mind, forget it and continue what you were doing, I just-"

"It's okay, what's the problem?"

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.

"Let's just say I'm...stuck a little while from home and I don't have any cash on me," I said lamely. "Um, look, m-I'm so sorry to ask, but ... Could ya maybe come get me?"

Once again I heard the same soft voice in the background and I heard Felix muttering "no, no" before he returned his attention back to me.

"Sure, I can pick you up," he said. "Where are you?"

"Um, near Mark's place., just at the the supermarket."

"Mark's place?" He asked, confused.

"Yes."

There was a small pause. 

"You had a fight?"

"No, not really, only-no, it wasn't a fight."

"Something isn't right though."

It wasn't a question.

"Okay, wait outside the store and I'll be there in ten minutes."

"Thanks Felix," I said. "Really, thank you, I wouldn't have asked-"

"Don't worry, bro," he said, and I felt him smile. "Just don't move, okay?"

"Yeah, okay, thanks again."

"No problem."

I let out a little sigh before hanging up, I put the phone in my pocket and looked around for something to sit on while I waited. There was a bench outside the supermarket and I walked to it with heavy steps, with my arms wrapped around my stomach and a little grimace because of the slight pain in my hips and back. I received a couple of glances from people coming and going from the shop while I was sitting on the bench, and by the way, every glance was directed to my stomach, I knew that most of them thought 'what the hell's wrong with that guy? ', which in all honesty wasn't a bad question. I looked down at my feet to ignore them. 

It was like that until a shrill female voice said my name and I had no choice but to look up. I wanted to run when I saw the face of Martha, a friend of my mother's from church walking up to me with a two year old child in one hand and a shopping bag in the other.

"Sean, why haven't you been at church with your mom?" She asked. "I haven't seen you there all year, how's your mom? And Juliet? How's Hadley, David and James? Are you happy to have a step-father now?"

All of this he said in less than ten seconds as she walked towards me and stopped right in front of the bench.

Despite my desire to ignore her, I stood up and smiled at her.

"Hi Martha," I said. "How're you?"

"Oh, well, well," she said smiling so widely that it was almost frightening. "I'm engaged with three little boys that refuse to sleep and Andrew is at work all the time but it's nothing I can't handle! But what about you? Like I said, it's been so long since I've seen you at church!"

"Yeah, I don't really go anymore" I said cautiously.

Her smile faded. 

"Don't go to church anymore? Young man, going to church is really important for people of your age, you need to ask for forgiveness for the sins you're definitely committing."

"Um, I don't think I've, um, sinned." I said, shuffling my feet on the asphalt beneath me. 

"Everyone sins, Sean," she said, narrowing her eyes slightly. "You especially."

My eyes widened. 

"What d'ya mean?" I asked nervously.

"With all that weight you've gained, I think you're a victim of gluttony and greed, and I'm sure that you know that those are two of the seven deadly sins."

Okay, I wanted to slap this woman and the only thing that stopped me was the fact that a car had beeped their horns right then and made me look up. To my relief, I saw Felix's face looking out the window of a pretty expensive looking car, and without saying another word to Martha, I turned and walked away, leaving her with her kid and her shopping. I opened the car door and, to my surprise, found Cry sitting in the front seat. 

"Well, hello," Cry said, both him and Felix started staring at me. "You don't look so good, was it a bad fight?"

"I didn't have a fight with Mark," I said with a sigh. "That woman I was talking to was talkin' about how I've sinned and all that bullshit."

"What? A random person came up to you and told you that you sinned?" Felix asked, letting out a short laugh. 

"No, she's my Ma's friend from church."

"And she put you in a bad mood?"

I attempted a smile.

"Sorry, it's just that .. it's been a long day, having some woman I don't even know come up to me and start judging me has really put me in a shit mood."

Felix looked worried for a second. 

"What happened between you and Mark to cause your not-argument?" Felix asked. "It must have been something if you needed me to come get you."

I looked down at my hands, which were resting on my lap, and I bit my lip. Telling them what happened was out of the question but I couldn't say nothing when they'd come out at eleven at night just to take me home. 

"We've hit a rock in our friendship, or a boulder, or a mountain," I said vaguely, still looking at my hands. "It's just kinda uncomfortable and embarrassing"

I went quiet and they looked to each other, it was like they knew what the other was thinking, like they were having a telepathic conversation. 

"He brought up that I had a theory, right?" Cry asked. He sounded a little annoyed. 

"He might've said something," I muttered.

Cry groaned and ran a hand through his tousled hair. 

"Don't tell me he started shit," he said.

"No, no it was okay, he was okay," I said hesitantly, thinking maybe 'okay' would be the least appropriate word to describe what had happened. "It's just-I dunno."

"You're acting very weird, buddy," Cry said with a wry smile. "Tell us what happened, we won't judge you, I promise."

I wanted to laugh at his words; I'd just kissed their straight best friend, they were definitely gonna judge me. 

"You can't judge if I don't tell ya," I said, my voice a bit on the defensive side. "It's not- I mean, it's not something I can't live but things are gonna be kinda awkward."

After looking between me and each other again, I couldn't help thinking about what they said to each other about this situation when they were alone; if they were able to communicate and talk about this just from looking at each other then they must have talked about it, right? I don't know why but that me really happy. 

"Look, Jack," Cry finally said. "Felix and I are two of Mark's best friends but that doesn't mean we agree with everything he does or how he sometimes treats people, we know that sometimes he's an ass and that he does and says a lot of things without thinking and that it's gonna get him in serious trouble one day but still, the fact that we're his friends doesn't mean that we can't be friends with you or that we can't take your side, and just because we've known Mark longer and we're close doesn't mean we're going to tell him what you say to us. I think talking to someone else who isn't part of your family or the guy you're in love with would be good for you."

I listened carefully, a little mistrusting, then my eyes widened. 

"I-I'm n-not in l-love with M-Mark," I stammered.

"You really like him then," Felix said simply. "But on the other-"

"I don't," I interrupted as I felt my cheeks getting increasingly red. "He's a good guy, but I don't like him."

"I don't understand why it's so much trouble for you to say it," Cry said. 

"Just the way you look at him, a monkey could tell that you liked him. We can't blame you, we know he's a facinating son of a bitch and he's not half bad looking but-"

"Stop, please," I snapped suddenly raising both hands. "If I liked Mark, and I don't, it'd be my problem, not yours."

"If you don't then why has this question got you so uptight?"

I opened my mouth then closed it then opened it again. I probably looked like a fish out of water, but I couldn't think of anything clever to say, so I continued to open and close my mouth as long as I didn't say anything but, finally, I spoke. 

"It's nothing," I said lamely.

Felix sighed and then gave me a look that made me feel like a kid getting a lecture from their parents. 

"Why won't you tell us? If you won't do it for yourself, do it for Mark. If something's wrong we have to know, he's been so out of it lately, we don't know what to do and we thought it might have something to do with you, plea-"

A ringing phone interrupted him m right in the middle of his speech, and I sighed with relief when Felix dug his hand into his pocket, he looked at the screen then me and then back and lifted the phone to his ear. 

"Hello?"

I couldn't understand any of the words spoken by the person on the other end of the line or even who it was, but I could hear a desperate and perhaps angry voice. My mind was a little preoccupied with my own problems anyway, so I didn't even try to listen in. Well, at least not until Felix began to speak. 

"Mark, Mark, please calm down, okay bro? "

Wow, lucky me. 

"Sorry but ... what?" Felix continued after a few seconds, his eyes now wide open as he turned to Cry. 

"Mark, what do you mean y-" Felix was cut off halfway through by almost hysterical shouting on the other end. "Okay, okay, I won't ask again but don't worry, he's right here with me and Cry, we came to pick him up."

Silence. 

"I'll tell him."

Silence.

"Yeah, okay."

He slowly lowered the phone from his ear and put it back in his pocket before he turned toward me and looked into my eyes with a flat expression.

"So you kissed," he said. "For real."

My body felt like it was on fire. Mark had told Felix that we had kissed, this meant that he probably told them why and I knew it must've made me look pathetic. Mark certainly always found a way to humiliate me, even if he didn't mean to. A unique talent of his. 

"Yeah," was all I said.

"How did it happen?" He asked. 

I wasn't sure how to answer, how could I tell him that Mark kissed me because he felt like he had to or some shit like that? 

"We don't need details," he added soon after. "It's just that we always thought Mark was kinda, y'know, gay or at least bisexual and, like, what happened?"

So Mark hadn't told Felix what happened? I was almost thankful for that. 

"He's not gay" I interrupted calmly. "He did it as a...favour if that's what ya could call it, it's nothing big."

At least not for him.

"A .. Favour?" Cry asked slowly. "He kissed you as a favour? Why would he do that?"

"Probably because he felt guilty," he muttered. "I was upset because, hormones and pregnant and stuff and he did it, it's nothing."

"He said you made out, it wasn't just a kiss," Felix said.

I shrugged.

"Whatever it meant nothing."

"It means nothing to you?" Felix asked, one eyebrow raised. "I'm sure that it meant something for him, does it really mean nothing to you?"

I bit the inside of my cheek and I looked down.

"Can we just go? I'm really tired, I just want ta go home."

I heard Felix sigh but he said "okay" and a few seconds later switched the engine on and turned his gaze to the windshield. It was all too obvious that they were aware of my little .. crush on Mark but they didn't ask me anything again. I wouldn't admit it because if I admitted that I liked Mark then I'd have to admit that I was stupid and naive and that I really wanted something to happen, despite everything. 

"Where do you live?" Cry asked. 

"Um, 57 Harwood road."

Cry nodded. 

The car ride was spent incomplete silence, leaving me with my thoughts and time seemed to fly by. When I looked up and looked out the window, I realized that we had stopped right outside my house and frowned confused.

I moved and I was just about to get up and get out of the car when Cry began to speak.

"You should talk to him, Jack," he said quietly. "None of you are gonna get anything from this, and you're both too stubborn to do it and it can't be good for the baby if you're always so stressed."

"I-I can't talk to him ..," I muttered. "Things would just fuck up and I-I can't handle that."

"And you don't think thugs are already fucked up?" He asked. "You're completely in love with Mark. Mark might feel the same but, like I said, you're both too damn stubborn to do anything."

"Don't tell me that, I'm not in love with him, I just think he's...I dunno...nice."

"Ah, so you admit you have feelings for him," Cry said triumphantly. 

I looked down and I wrapped my arms around myself. 

"The point is that it's hopeless and I do not want to be the desperate looking one from now on, I just want to have this baby, give her up for adoption and go to college."

"That ... and Mark," Felix added. 

"Like I said, it'll never happen."

"You won't know until you talk to each other."

I rolled my eyes. 

"He told me he didn't like guys, I'm pretty sure I do know."

"You aren't just any guy. You're the guy that's carrying his baby, I'm sure it'd be a little different if you were just any old guy."

"Oh yeah, wonderful," I chuckled. "If I wasn't pregnant then he'd never have any interest in me, he'd probably just think I was some loser, fantastic."

"That's what you think?" He asked. "That Mark only cares about the baby?"

I didn't answer and Felix looked at me with disbelief.

"If you think that then you're crazy," he said. "He talks about you all the time, not only the baby, but you; that you're completely selfless and you always put people before yourself, how impressed he is that you can do this pregnancy thing and how he knows you could do it even without any help, that he likes when you babble on about stuff, how you don't get angry at him for being stupid, how adorable you look when you're asleep-"

"Enough," I said, my voice hardly audible. "I don't want to hear this."

Felix sighed and pushed his hand through his hair. 

"I just wanted you to know that he's so interested in you, not just the baby."

"It doesn't matter," I said. "As soon as this baby is out of me, Mark and I will never speak again - let's face it. Everything will go back to the way it was before, can we stop talking about this?"

They looked at each other for a brief second.

"Okay, if that's what you want," Cry said quietly after a brief moment of silence.

"It is," I said firmly, my words in sharp contrast with my thoughts.

"Alright."

so we sat for a while and after a couple of seconds, I let out a sigh.

"I have to go now." I mumbled. "Thanks for picking me up."

Without receiving any answer, I undid the seat belt, opened the door and stepped out. As soon as I closed the door, the car drove along the street and I stood there watching it disappear. 

The house was completely dark and quiet when and I had to congratulate myself for grabbing my jacket instead of trying to run away from Mark because I had my keys in the pocket of my jacket, I knew Juliet wasn't home and I wasn't sure if my Ma or Ian were and I certainly didn't want to wake them up so when. I hurried upstairs without making any noise and let out a sigh of relief when I closed my bedroom door behind me. 

I quickly undressed and put my phone on the nightstand before changing into the shirt from earlier. I slipped under the covers and I switched off the lamp and lay in the usual position. I finally allowed myself to think about the day without any dumb distractions. It was a huge mess of emotions, which gave me a headache.

"Things used to be a lot easier." I mumbled to nobody in particular. 

I pushed the covers to the side and rolled my shirt up enough to see the bump and began rubbing it gently. 

"Everything's a mess," I muttered wearily. "It was bad enough with Mark but now Cry and Felix are makin' me think about it all, things were so much easier before"

Kick.

"No, I don't wish you weren't there," I continued, now smiling slightly. "But lately you've caused some problems. Well, you haven't but what's gonna happen with you has. I don't know what to do with you, maybe after what happened today your dad might not want to keep you."

Nothing.

"I'm talking a bunch of crap, right?" I said. "Probably yeah. You've gotta be tired of listening ta my problems all the time."

Kick.

"Yeah, okay, I'll shut up now, I'll let you sleep."

Without really thinking about it, I lifted my hand toward my mouth and put my fingers on my lips for a few seconds before lowering my hand my stomach and gently placing it there. 

"Goodnight, little one." I whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realised everyone really likes Cry and Felix so I decided the lovely couple needed some time in the spotlight. 
> 
> Wow, that's over 200 kudos? How? That's so many! Wow! I'm not gonna go too much I to it but I'm really happy people like this, I wasn't sure how it'd be received because it was mpreg but I'm glad I posted it :D 
> 
> Have a good day/night!


	18. Stop with the lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cry is still protective, Mark and Jack a stressful and Jack's mom is furious.

After Friday, I expected Mark, or even Cry and Felix, to call me but thankfully the whole weekend passed in peace; if you didn't count my Ma's inhuman screams when Juliet stumbled in at 4pm on Saturday , barefoot, a section of hair at the side of her head shaved off, a black eye and clothes that clearly weren't her own; they were a guys. She'd been screamed at for about an hour, it was probably 100 times worse than the one I got after the late summer party last year. 

On top of that, she had a killer hangover and spent most of the day complaining to me and taking over my bed, all I could do was point to my stomach and say "shut up and enjoy life and the fact ya can actually drink, ya arsehole."

I was in a bad mood for, pretty much, the whole weekend and it was caused by the fact that I was still feeling everything from Friday. It wasn't so much the kiss that bothered me but it was more what Felix and Cry were saying. 

"You should talk to him, Jack."

"You're completely in love with Mark. Mark might feel the same but, like I said, you're both too damn stubborn to do anything."

"That's what you think? That Mark only cares about the baby?"

"He talks about you all the time, not only the baby, but you; that you're completely selfless and you always put people before yourself, how impressed he is that you can do this pregnancy thing and how he knows you could do it even without any help, that he likes when you babble on about stuff, how you don't get angry at him for being stupid, how adorable you look when you're asleep-"

I couldn't help but wonder if all those things they said had any connection to reality maybe there was a chance, albeit a small one, that Mark ...liked me? The kiss was great, it seemed so real, he seemed to enjoy it so maybe that was the case?

The way his hands gripped me, and how our lips fit together, it was almost perfect. But then I thought of his expression when it was over - irritated and repentant - and my momentary dash of hope was gone and left me even more confused and more sad than before.

When I woke up Monday morning, I was tired, too tired to do anything and I was still in such a bad mood that I couldn't force myself out of bed. 

So I stayed in bed all day, telling my Ma I didn't feel well, and spending hours and hours doing nothing productive all day - unless you counted playing video games and texting Dodger between her classes as productive. 

Tuesday was spent the same way, and Wednesday. And Thursday. And Friday. 

It wasn't until I woke up the following Monday that I realised I'd spent an entire week in bed. The situation with Mark was yet to be resolved but he hadn't texted me or called me so I decided he wasn't interested in even speaking to me. I couldn't blame him. 

Monday, March 30th  
thirty-two weeks

On Monday morning, I returned to school.

In the two classes before lunch, I could barely stay awake, my eyes kept shutting then I'd jolt back awake maybe five minutes later, I barely heard any of the lessons going on around me which wasn't exactly for the best since I was currently failing.

I wasn't asleep, not really, I could understand what was going on but I was barely able to register a thing. My half-nap was not very long anyway. At one point, I felt someone shaking my shoulder gently and I looked up to find Ms. Chappell standing there. 

"Sean? Are you awake? " She asked, offering a soft wrinkled smile. 

"Yeah, sorry," I muttered, 

I yawned as I rubbed my eyes and looked around; everyone was gone. 

"I'm just tired, it won't happen again,"

"Are you okay?" She asked as I got up from the chair. "You've seemed a little off recently, is there something going on at home?"

I wanted to tell her to shut up and what was going on in my life was none of her business. Of course I didn't, she was trying to help and she was pretty old, she'd probably have a heart attack and I didn't need to deal with an indirect murder on top of my ever-growing list of problems. 

"I just have a lot to do right now," I said, smiling. "I'm not sleeping much and some other stuff, there's nothing ta worry about."

She slowly nodded, but something in her eyes told me that she didn't believe me.

"I know you guys have so much to deal with these days; God knows that there's more pressure on young people today than when I was young, but you know, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be helped when things become too hard to to do alone. There's nothing wrong with talking to someone about your problems."

Jesus Christ, what was going on with everyone telling me to talk to people? 

"I know," I said with a weak smile. "But it's nothing, really."

She nodded again.

"Very well, I'll let you go to lunch."

"Thanks," I said before giving her another smile, I picked up my bag and left the room as quickly as possible. I had to get away from her. 

Being thirty-two weeks pregnant, I was physically unable to walk or stand up for long, so the cafeteria was the only place to go at lunch if I didn't want to go on extensive searches for a seat, I just had to pray there was an empty table. 

There wasn't. 

As I was walking down between the bustle of students, trying to find my way back to the hallway, I heard my name being called. 

"To your left, Jack," I heard Cry yell. 

When I turned my head, I found all of them; Mark, Ken, Cry, Felix and Lauren, sitting to the table at my left. Cry was gesturing to the seat next to him and Felix and Ken were smiling brightly.

I was about to apologize and say that I needed to do something, but Felix opened his mouth at the same time. 

"Come on, sit down, you look tired," he said, smiling gently.

I closed my eyes for a brief second and prayed silently that I wasn't about to make a very big mistake. I made sure not to meet Mark or Lauren's gazes and focused my attention of Cry, Ken and Felix. 

"Well, sit down then," Ken said with a little laugh, gesturing to the chair. I nodded slowly, and carefully approached them, sitting in the chair next to Cry and dropping my bag down on the floor. 

"How are things?" Felix asked, looking at me curiously. "With you and with ...the other thing." he added.

I smiled slightly at that, knowing full well what he meant by 'other thing'. 

"It's okay, both me and the other thing are good."

"You still haven't considered a diet, I see," I heard Lauren sneer, her voice cold and nasty, as always. "You might want to before you get diabetes."

The muscles in my shoulders tensed and I looked at the table, not trusting myself to look calm. No one said anything for a while then Ken interjected. 

"Why d'ya gotta be such a bitch?" He asked.

"I was just stating an obvious fact," I heard Lauren giggle. "He's fat, I'm sure you can all see, right Mark?"

I stiffened, waiting for the answer.

"It's true," I heard him say.

My chest burned painfully, but I didn't say anything.

"Holy shit, this is bullshit," muttered Cry.

"Oh, don't get involved in things that don't concern you, masky, what're you hiding under there? Is your face too disgusting for the world?" Lauren said acidly.

"You get involved in things that don't concern you all the time, you sit here and you insult my friends and me and then expect me to stay quiet, it is my concern, here's something Lauren; nobody but Mark wants you here because you're a bitch, you don't listen and you're a fucking terrible girlfriend, the way you treat Mark is fucking despicable." Cry snapped, letting all of his pent up anger out. 

"What, do you want me to be nice to that fat loser, he's barely a friend of yours." Lauren said. "Though it'd make sense since you're a loser too, mask boy."

"Of course I do, he is my friend!" Cry yelled back, slamming his hands on the table. 

Lauren stood up and leaned forwards, taking hold of Cry's mask and attempting to flick it upwards but she was stopped by Felix reaching out and grabbing her arm. 

"Stop it, I don't wanna fight but do not touch his mask, don't call any of us losers or insult us, don't treat Mark like a rug or we're sure as hell gonna do something, it's been coming to this for a while Lauren and we've fucking tried to stop it, back up!"

Lauren opened her mouth to say something else but Mark spoke first. 

"Lauren, please," Mark said with a small sigh. "Forget it."

"Well, whatever."

The table once again became silent, Lauren sat down and had released the mask, but she and Cry were staring ahead, she was glaring and I could only imagine she was too.The air was full of tension, and I swear I could feel it seeping into my body, making me feel even more uncomfortable. Finally, after five minutes of nothing, I jumped up. 

"I'm leaving," I said. "So ... Yeah, bye."

I walked away from the table with my back, knees and ankles aching. I had no idea where I was going, but I sure as hell didn't want to be anywhere near that table. 

Deciding that the best thing to do was sit outside in the courtyard, I headed for the nearest exit and spent a couple of seconds cursing my social disabilities. I soon found a bench to sit on and settled myself on it, pain being relieved from my ankles almost instantly. The quiet and the loneliness allowed me to think. 

Mark was angry with me, it was obvious; He had just called me fat, directly. He was angry with me and there was nothing I could do. Then again, maybe it was better that way. In a few weeks, the baby would be born, and Mark would be out of my life, so it was probably better that we stopped being friends now.

I could go to the hospital alone when it was time, I could go through with the birth alone, I could give her up for adoption alone and I could do this alone. 

"Hey."

I turned around to find the source of the voice and found Mark standing there with my backpack in his hands. 

I blinked and hesitated a little before answering with a quiet "Hey".

"You forgot your backpack," he said.

"Right. Thanks for giving it back,"

"No problem."

He stopped for a second.

"Do you mind if I sit down?" He asked then.

I shrugged. It seemed that he had taken that as a yes because he sat down to my left and looked at me blankly.

"Sorry about Lauren," he said cautiously.

I raised my eyebrows.

"I don't like Lauren, Mark," I said. "I couldn't care less what she thinks of me, it's your opinion I care about." 

"I'm sorry for that, too. I didn't mean-"

I shook my head and raised my hands.

"Never mind," I said, my voice more peevish than I wanted. Before that moment I hadn't realized how angry I was with him; I thought I was just sad and hurt, but no. I was also angry and then suddenly I couldn't stop the flow of words that were coming out of my mouth. 

"Ya always say ya don't mean to say or do the things ya do so here's a question, why d'ya do them? You should've disagreed with her, Mark but ya chose to act like a doormat! Maybe you didn't notice, but it feels like shit to get told that, even if the person that said it didn't mean it. The point is that even though you know that I hate when you insult me, even if you do it because Lauren's there, it just confirms what I knew already; I don't expect anything from you, you don't care about me, at least not enough for you to take my side and fucking stand up for me sometimes."

"You can stand up for yourself, you know," he said, his brow furrowed in annoyance.

"But I shouldn't have to, why should I always have to defend myself? While I agree with what she said, you should have said something."

"And because I said that, you think I actually agree with everything she says and that it's true because my stupid ass said it?" He said. 

"Not everything." I said hesitantly, trying first to convince myself.

"Oh, really?" He said. "How can you be sure? After all, I don't care about you, right? So I can safely lie to you all the time, I treat you like shit because why should it matter to me?"

My eyes widened at his words and clenched my fists. I didn't know if my voice would have been audible if I tried to speak, so I kept my mouth shut and looked at the cold eyes of the clearly angry boy sitting next to me.

"No, I don't care about you," he continued. "To me, you're nothing but a socially paralyzed loser that I got pregnant, even though I'm a homophobic asshole."

I became a little confused when he said the last part. 

"What are you-" I began, but he began to speak again before I had been able to finish my question.

"I'm interested in the baby, just her, so I don't give a fuck about you, after all why should I care, right? There isn't a single reason why I should. I mean, even if we went out together and we talk and we get along well, I don't care about you, only the baby. You don't need me to take care of you after all, right? As soon as the baby is born, we won't have anything to do with each other, right?"

After that, I knew what he was saying. I knew what he was referring to. 

"Have you talked to Felix and Cry?" I said with a sigh.

"Yes, I did," he spat. "I had to get it out of them but thanks for telling them this without even talking to me about it."

To say that I was surprised would be an understatement, but I tried to stay as calm as possible.

"It's something you knew about though, right?" I said. "We won't stay friends after the baby is born, if you want to bet on it then I'm sure I'm already the winner, I know the only reason you act like ya care about me is for her."

"That baby is the reason we started being friends, it's not the reason we're still friends!" He stopped screaming, looking at me intently. "Shit, I don't understand how you can be so stupid sometimes! I'm interested in the baby, yes, but I'm interested in you too."

"Don't lie!" I shouted, not caring about the fact that we were in a public place where everyone could hear us. "You see me as a damn charity case, that's all."

"Not true!" He protested. "I don't see you as less than anybody else out there, do you think I kissed you because I felt sorry for you? "

"Obviously you did, I was crying like an idiot and you felt bad, right? It's the only logical reason."

He stood up and looked at me.

"I didn't kiss you because I felt sorry for you," he said slowly, through his teeth. 

And that was the only explanation that I had before he turned around and ran away, leaving me just as confused and just as angry.

Tuesday, March 31st  
Thirty-two weeks

When I got home from school the next day, completely exhausted after I dragged through my classes and forced myself to stay awake all day, I was surprised to find my Ma sitting in on the sofa alone watching TV. 

"Oh, hey Ma," I said, pausing at the door when I noticed. "I thought you were at work."

"I was," she said, looking at me sternly "But then I got a call from Martha."

"Okay. Right. Martha. "

I slapped myself mentally for not acting a little more civilised when I spoke to her at the supermarket. 

"Yes, Martha. She told me that you were rude to her."

"She called me fat and told me to go to church, what do you expect me to do? I barely know the damn woman and she's strolling in and trying to tell me what to do." I said, opening my arms in exasperation.

Ma folded her hands in her lap and looked at me with narrowed eyes.

"Okay, that's true, I'll let you off with that," she said after a short pause. "But, Jack, I know that you know this, but you're really putting on a lot of weight lately. Don't you think it's time to do something about it?"

"It's none of your business, Ma," I said briefly.

"It is, it looks like I'm not feeding you right," she said. "You're affecting this family's reputation and I won't stand for it any longer, Sean."

"Yes, okay, thank you for helping my self-esteem, I love you too Ma," I snapped. "It was pretty nice of you."

"Being overweight isn't good," she said. "You're going to start eating healthy and going running every day until you get back in shape and you'll start right now, do not argue with me. 

Go running. Everyday. Absolutely not. 

Not only because my body was in pain when I walked and I'd almost certainly drop after running five metres, but there was also the possibility that doing it every day would harm to the baby and after I had gone through hell when I thought that she was dead, I knew I could never risk that.

Even if it meant telling my Ma the truth. 

"No, I ... okay, I can start eating healthy," I said nervously. "But I won't run."

She frowned, clearly irritated.

"You know you will."

"No I won't."

"Why not?"

"I can't."

"That's not a good reason, Sean, you're gonna go out for a run right now wether you like it or not."

"I can't, Ma."

"Sean, if you continue to refuse to do what I tell you, I-"

"I can't, Ma!" I interrupted her shouting. "I really can't, it could be dangerous."

"Dangerous to go running? I doubt it. Now go and put a pai- "

"I can't go running!"

"Sean! I'm not going to continue this conversation, go change your- "

"No!"

"Sean William McLoughlin!"

"No!"

"I've had enough, Sean! You will go-"

"Shit, Ma, I'm pregnant!"

This was undoubtedly the quickest and most abrupt way I could say it.

"If you want to invent an excuse, at least make a believable one." She laughed. 

"It wasn't an excuse," I said. "I'm pregnant."

"Jack, for God's sake, can you stop acting like a child? I understand you don't want to exercise, but to sit here and try to tell me you're pregnant is plain stupid."

"Holy shit, Ma!" I screamed. "I've never been this opposed ta exercise, if it was just fat then-"

"Jack! Stop with the lies."

I clenched my jaw.

"Ma, listen to me," I said slowly. "I had sex with a guy, remember you lectured me about being in Felix Kjellberg's lawn with my pants down?" She nodded. "I don't know why or how, so don't ask, but in about six weeks I will have a baby, a little baby girl. I went to more than one doctors appointment and the baby is healthy and she's alive and I don't know how she got there so please don't ask."

It was pretty interesting to see her face go from its normal color to white as a sheet in less than three seconds, and her eyes widened and then fell on my stomach. Personally, I was a little surprised by that. 

"Jack," my mother said after a long, long silence. "I know you don't have a vagina, I know that for a fact."

"Like I said, I can't explain it," I interrupted.

"And I don't understand why you had sex with a boy, you're not gay sweetheart."

I raised my eyebrows.

"Yes I am."

It felt like my heart had stopped. 

"No, you're not," she said firmly. "You're a nice guy, loads of girls must appreciate that and I know that you and Brooke were together for a while."

"First of all, how did you know that? and second, I don't know when I started liking guys, I guess I always did but I'm not straight. I'm gay. Deal with it." 

There was something that had happened that day, or last week, that made me a lot more confident, something made me say what I wanted to say. 

"You're not-"

Okay enough.

"Ma! I'm gay! I'm pregnant! And I don't wanna have this conversation!"

With these words, I left the living room and headed upstairs to my room. It was only when the door closed behind me that I realised what I'd just done.

I told my Ma. I told her I was pregnant. 

Stupid, stupid, stupid! 

I had to tell her sooner or later but not like this, no, definitely not. Maybe I could have gone through with the pregnancy without her knowing, given her up for adoption and all that then my ma would never have known. Well that would be impossible now. 

Then again, she didn't seem to believe me, so maybe it would be okay? Maybe she just took my words as teenage rebellion and a vivid imagination? 

She'd never accept the fact I was pregnant, she was too close-minded for that, looks like all that time with the likes of Martha finally got to her. 

And then there was also the fact that I had come out to her, that I told her I was gay. She'd refused to believe me but she'd think about it eventually and...I didn't really know what she'd do. 

I was kind of scared. 

I walked over to the bed, I stretched out on my side and placed my hand on my belly. It couldn't be that bad, right?

The worst thing that could happen was that my Ma would refuse to speak to me and look at me and breathe the same air as me for as long as she lived but, other than that, it wasn't that bad. 

In the end, everything would be fine. Just the way it was meant to be. 

I fell asleep soon after, quite confident that eventually everything would be okay in the end, even if it took a lot of trouble to get there. 

It's gonna be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, here it is finally. This has been written since yesterday but I've been...drunk mostly for the past two days, whoop! Sorry guys!
> 
> Anyway, the chapter, we have Cry and Lauren going head to head, we have Mark and Jack going head to head and Jack and his mom going head to head; a very argument filled chapter! 
> 
> I'm going to go back and live with my hangover so have a nice day/night wherever you are!


	19. Are ya worried?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cry and Jack go out for lunch, Cry loves Felix a lot.

Wednesday, April 1st  
Thirty-two weeks. 

At lunchtime it was noisy, more noisy than usual it seemed, it was all I could think about during the journey between my last class and my locker.

Ma hadn't said anything about our fight, not yesterday or even this morning, and I was quite happy about it. Okay, okay, she hadn't really spoken to me, or looked at me, it looked like she hadn't told anyone because Ian stayed the exact same; a boring mess. 

The halls were crowded, but as usual, no one paid attention to me until I entered the canteen. 

"Hello" said a voice to my left that made me jump with surprise and issue an embarrassing scream.

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you," Cry said. 

"It's okay," I said once my heart rate returned to normal. "What's up?" I asked and he continued to walk beside me as if it was something he did every day. 

"I just wanted to ask if everything's okay." he said softly. "I tried looking for you yesterday but you disappeared off the face of the earth."

"Oh, sorry," 

"Don't worry, anyway, Mark was being an ass after you left, wanna explain?"

"Not really," I muttered. "But it's partly yours and Felix's fault," I added.

"What? Why is it our fault?"

"You told him everything I said about him," I said. "After you promised you wouldn't."

"Oh .. that's true, I'm sorry," he said. "But we thought we should tell him because we really needed him to talk to you, I'm sorry, we thought it'd help."

"It didn't work very well," I said wearily. "We started arguing, then he ran away"

He shook his head with evident exasperation.

"You're both weird, you know that?" He said. "You can't speak to each other without lying about important issues, things you need to talk about."

"We aren't weird," I replied. "We're just shit at communicating."

"That would be the understatement of the year." he chuckled. 

"It's true though," I said defensively. "Every time we're together we fight or we end up in really embarrassing situations that lead to fighting. Maybe there's something wrong with us."

"In that case, I feel really sorry for your poor daughter."

I smiled at that. 

"Yeah, the poor girl's gonna end up a freak cause her parents won't stop arguing."

"Tough start in life."

"Mm."

"I think you and Mark would stop arguing if you spoke to each other, just tell each other everything that needs to be said. You need to tell him that you have feelings for him before he gets annoyed, it's probably eating him alive."

"I don't wanna." I said, a little irritated that we were back on the same subject that we'd gone over a hundred times. "There's no need, he doesn't feel the same way, it'd make things weird."

"Things are already weird, believe me, a confession wouldn't change anything."

"It wouldn't be a confession," I said. "He already knows, but he doesn't feel the same way, that's what matters."

Cry stopped suddenly, earning scornful glances from the people around us, he ignored them and stared at me. 

"Wait, do you mean he knows already?" He asked.

I had a unique talent too, I could blurt things out without meaning to. 

"I just-no, no," I stammered. "I have ta get lunch so I-"

"No, no, no," he said, shaking his head vigorously. "You can't say things like that and then refuse to tell me about it, friendships don't work that way."

My heart jumped when I heard the word "friendship". 

"It's a long story," I said after a few seconds of hesitation. "Well, it's not long but it's embarrassing."

"Okay, do you wanna get out of here then?"

Was it really that important?

"What? Why?"

"We can get something for lunch and then you can tell me about what happened, we can go to Felix's moms café."

"Felix's mom has a café?"

"Felix's mom and dad own half this town, Jack." Cry chuckled. "Of course she has a café."

"But I'll be late for my next class," I said. "And anyway, how would we get there?"

"Felix's car," he said. "So come on, you wanna have lunch with me?"

I thought about it for a moment, then quickly came to the conclusion that they'd find out one way or another - sneaky little bastards- and I was hungry and eating something that didn't come from the school canteen was more than inviting. 

"Yeah, okay, I'll have lunch with you," I said.

"Yeah?"

I nodded and I couldn't stop smiling because he actually wanted to go out for lunch with me. Well, the reason was because he wanted to find out what had happened between me and Mark, but I didn't care about that because he'd said we were friends, it made me really happy. 

"Okay, great," he said, "let's go then."

"What? Now? Don't you need Felix's keys? "

"I'll call him when we're at the car," he said as he began to walk again. "I need to talk to him anyway."

We walked through the corridors with minimal effort and I noticed Cry getting strange looks, probably because he was standing in front of me and basically clearing a path. 

Felix's car was parked in a small parking lot behind the school, it was barely used because of how far away it was. This car was different from the one he picked me up in, it still looked expensive as fuck and there was barely a scratch on it, two seats and it was actually kinda gorgeous.

"He's kinda paranoid," Cry said, taking his phone out of his pocket. "Felix, I mean, about thieves and stuff," he added as an explanation. "He has this idea that people know that we're together, but instead of attacking us directly they'll damage our lockers or his car or something, I've tried to tell him he's crazy but he doesn't really listen and he doesn't want to risk it, I'll let him be careful if he wants to be, y'know, if it puts his mind at ease."

He smiled and shook his head affectionately before holding his phone to his ear. I didn't answer, just smiled at him. 

They - Felix and Cry - risked a lot with what they were doing. Being in a relationship with another guy whilst being two of the most popular guys in school had to be hard, anybody who could do that had to be some kind of crazy or courageous, maybe they'd be ignored if they weren't so high up in the social ladder but they were and I was 100% sure that with them both being soccer players, they'd get their asses kicked if anyone found out. 

They could be chased away from the team, many of their friends would cut ties with them and their social lives would sink like a stone. 

Despite this, however, they had decided to stay together. They hadn't thought about the possible consequences of what they were doing, but it seemed that they cared about each other more than anything else. I really liked that. It was sweet. 

"He'll be here in a minute," Cry said, snapping me back to reality, i turned to look at him with a raised eyebrow. 

"Um, what?"

"Felix, he'll be here in a minute with the keys," he repeated. "where's your head?"

"Nowhere, I was just ... thinking," I said vaguely.

"I bet you've done a lot of that lately," he said, leaning on the side of the car. 

"Pretty much the only thing I've done in the last five months," I said with a chuckle. "It's kinda hard not to think, you know? Besides having to deal with normal things like school, family and feelings for someone I don't want to have feelings for, there's also the fact that I'm completely responsible for another life growing inside me. So yeah, I've been thinking a lot lately. "

"But it's okay, right?"

"Considering everything that has happened lately, I'm fine," I said with a smile and a shrug. "I can sleep at night now so that's great."

He smiled.

"It's gotta be. Excuse me for saying this but your getting big so I thought it'd be really hard."

"Tell me about it," I sighed with a miserable look towards my stomach, which, even with several layers, was still noticeable. 

"It's normal, don't worry," he said in apology. "Isn't it annoying when you're trying to get between classes and stuff?"

"Of course it is," I said, rolling my eyes. "But I don't have much choice unless I wanna fail."

"I know, but don't pregnant people usually have to rest a lot at this point?"

"Um, no, only if there's some kind of complication," I said, remembering something I'd read in that book that Mark bought for me. "And in my case everything's normal. Well, apart from the fact that I'm actually pregnant."

"I guess, but .. I don't think it's good for you or the baby that you're stressed out so much," he said. 

"I'm not stressed out," I said with a little laugh. "I'm living my life the way I should be."

"I don't think the baby likes how you're living your life," he chuckled. 

"Well, if she doesn't like it she'll tell me, she'll kick," I said, "until she does something I'm gonna continue the way I am now." 

He sighed resignedly. 

"Okay, okay," he said, "but please, if something bad happens, go to the doctor and call someone immediately."

"Are ya worried?" I asked. 

"Well yeah, of course I am," he said. "We're friends and you're pregnant and clearly stressed out, so of course I'm worried."

My cheeks warmed slightly after those words. 

"Thanks" I muttered. 

I heard footsteps approaching from behind me, and I turned, catching a glimpse of Felix. 

"There you are," said Cry, walking past me and wrapping his arms around Felix. "It took you more than a minute," I heard him mutter. 

They parted from each other after a few seconds. 

"You okay, bro?" Felix asked, looking at me with an arm still wrapped around Cry. 

"I'm fine," I said, wondering how many times they had asked me that question in the last month.

He smiled quickly before turning his attention back to Cry. 

"How're you?" He asked. 

"I'm fine," he said, then leaned closer into Felix, speaking quietly. "I was wondering if you're still up for that thing tonight?"

"Are you kidding? I've been waiting all month." Felix said. I felt like I was intruding but there wasn't really anywhere else I could really go. "You're fucking amazing for deleting this up."

Cry chuckled at those words and I saw him pull the mask up, I didn't see his face since his back was turned to me, and press a kiss against Felix's lips. 

"Well," he said. "I really can't wait."

"I know," Felix whispered before closing the distance between them again, I turned away.

"We should go," Cry said. "I'll see you at seven, I have something to do so I won't be here after school, tell the guys will you?"

"Yeah, sure," Felix said, smiling widely. He stepped back and I saw Cry fix the mask back in place while Felix dug around in his pockets, finally handing them to Cry who accepted them happily. 

"Tell me if anything happens, okay?" Felix said.

"Sure," Cry replied. 

"You guys aren't that discreet." I told him. Cry laughed. 

"Yeah, sorry about that." 

I decided not to respond, and instead offered a smile to Felix before heading toward the passenger side of the car and waited for Cry. I heard them exchange I love you's then Cry walked back to the car and got in the seat next to mind. 

"So lunch," he said. "Do you want to go to that café or do you have something else in mind?"

"As long as they have food, I'm happy," I said. 

"Anywhere I can get something salty."

"How about we go get a burger and some fries then?" He said. 

"Yes, please," I said with an internal groan at the thought of it. 

"Maybe you should work on that expression," he chuckled. "Try not to look like you're about to blow when they bring your food, okay?"

"Shut up," I whined, leaning back. "Hey, are ya even allowed ta wear that mask while driving?"

"It isn't illegal," he shrugged. "Don't worry, I've been driving with it since I got my licence, I'm pretty good with it."

"If yer sure." 

The car ride was a pretty short one and the place was pretty quiet, barely anyone was there and I couldn't help but be thankful for it. A pretty blonde waitress came galloping towards us and I could tell she was glancing at Cry, the mask caused people to do that sometimes. 

She seemed to be flirting with him, laughing at what he was saying -despite none of it being funny- she was leaning forward, blushing and everything and when she finally took our orders, she kept glancing back at him. 

"I don't give off a gay vibe apparently," he said. "Good to know, I guess."

"I thought you weren't gay," I said, raising my eyebrows "I thought it was just Felix."

He shrugged.

"I've never imagined myself with anybody other than Felix so I wouldn't know to be honest, I'm not planning to explore that either cause believe it or not, I'm not ready to do away with him yet."

"So are you guys still planning on going to college together?" I asked, remembering they'd told me that they wanted to stay together after high school.

"Yeah, definitely," he said. "We've been together so long that it'd be kinda unbearable to go to different colleges."

"I suppose it would be," I mused. "How long have ya been together?"

"I don't keep track like Felix does," he said, "but a little over a year, I think. Our anniversary was three days after Christmas Eve, so .. yeah, about a year."

"That's a long time to be sneakin' around."

"Well, we were messing around before we were together so it's more like almost two years."

"Wow, almost two full years hiding then," I said, shaking my head slightly. "I'm surprised you haven't been caught."

"We've had close calls," he said. "Ken has a really bad habit of walking in without knocking, we've had to give our share of excuses, he once caught us and asked why we were laying on top of each other half naked, felix blurted out some half-assed excuse but It's okay, Ken doesn't really care, he just shrugs and gets on with life and doesn't really question it. Mark is completely different, he reads into everything and anything, he's only ever really caught us once but I don't think we were able to convince him that it was nothing."

"Yeah, he actually told me about it," I said, quietly. "I think I threw him off," I added quickly. "But he told me that when he came into the room, you and Felix basically bounced off each other."

Cry sighed. 

"I think we should start locking the doors, huh?"

"It's not a bad idea," I said. "If it's any help, I don't think that Mark and Ken would think any less of you. I don't know Ken that well, so I can't really say too much about him, but I know Mark would be okay."

The waitress arrived with our drinks shortly after and put our conversation on pause as she placed two glasses of coke on the table and she wouldn't stop smiling, then she walked away swaying her hips exaggeratedly. 

"Nope, you definitely don't give off a gay vibe," I said looking after her with raised eyebrows.

He chuckled, pushed the mask up above his lips and took a drink before sighing. 

"It's not that we're worried about them not accepting it."

I was confused for half a second before realizing what he was talking about.

"Oh, right," I said then. "Then why don't ya want them to know?"

"They're more likely to blurt it out," he said. "Not that they'd do it on purpose but Ken and Mark are loud when they're drunk, I mean, Felix is too but he's not stupid enough to say it out loud - even when he's drunk but they could tell someone or they could say something in front of everyone at a party, y'know?"

"Well, Mark told me twice already that he wouldn't care if you were together, so if he reacts badly, it's probably because you hid it from him for so long."

He smiled.

"We've expected that, he'll calm down when we explain it though."

"For your sake, I hope so."

"What? Do you time he won't be?"

I shrugged, feeling helpless all of a sudden.

"I don't know. If you were my best friends and you kept something like that from me for so long then I'd be pretty upset ya didn't trust me, but I think I'd understand once you told me why you didn't tell me, he'll probably be the same way."

"I hope they understand," he said, looking down. 

"I'm sure they will," I said. "How is it anyway?" I asked, trying to avert his attention to something else. 

"How's what?"

"You and Felix, your relationship, having a boyfriend, all that."

"Oh," he said, his voice suddenly softer. "It's great, basically."

"So charmingly elaborated," I said, unable to avoid an amused expression.

He looked down for a few seconds, apparently deep in thought, but then he looked up.

"It's really amazing," he said, playing with his hands. "He's my best friend, and I trust him like he's family, you know what I mean? And it's nice to have someone to take to dinner and pamper and someone that kisses my head when we're cuddling and he sends stupid fucking texts to me in the middle of the night because he's bored or he can't sleep," He stopped there and began to laugh slightly before continuing. "It sounds stupid, but it really is amazing to have someone that loves you and you know they'd die for you and you'd do the same for them."

"I suppose you don't want it to come to that though," I said, smiling.

"Preferably not, but the point is that I know he would, it's nice...in a weird way."

"Hm, yes. How did you get together anyway? I don't think it just happened out of nowhere."

"No, not exactly," he said. "We .. Well, we had this movie marathon with Mark and Ken during the summer a few years back. Everyone got piss drunk, Mark and Ken had already passed out. Felix and I were sitting together on the couch and, I don't know how it happened, but we kissed. We didn't go further than that but it was awkward as hell for weeks before we had the sense to talk about it, so we agreed that it was just a drunken mistake and that we should forget about it. I really hated it, but I couldn't really just tell him that I fucking liked kissing him, y'know?"

"Something tells me that's not the end of this story."

"No, we started to spend more time together, I really don't know how that started, but usually it was just the two of us, and one day it happened again, we kissed and all that shit and things happened, then a few months later we decided to just, I dunno, be together exclusively, it's not that exciting."

I smiled.

"Not everything has to be exciting." I said. "It's a nice story."

Our food arrived soon after, but I only got to take a bite from my burger when Cry spoke again. 

"Okay, so what happened between you and Mark?"

He stared at me impatiently, and I swallowed the food in my mouth before sighing. 

"You really wanna know now?"

"I could use some entertainment while I eat, thanks."

I rolled my eyes.

"It's nice that ya see my problems as entertainment." I rolled my eyes. 

"You are welcome. Now tell me."

And so I told him. I told him about how I'd overheard their conversation, I told him about what happened at my house, that it looked like Mark was going to kiss me and how it'd just been to confirm that I felt that way about him, how I'd told him then locked myself in the bathroom and then about the kiss, how he'd done it like it was a consolation prize. 

When I finished, Cry spoke. 

"Okay, first of all," he began. "I'm sorry you heard our conversation."

I shook my hand dismissively; that wasn't the part I was worried about. 

"Second," he continued. "He's an idiot, why would he pretend to kiss you knowing that there's a chance you liked him?"

"That's what I thought too," I shrugged, feeling a little miserable at the thought of it. "He apologised but he does every single time, y'know? He does the same shit then apologises and then I forgive him and wait for the next time he fucks up."

"Yeah, I know," he said. "He's got a habit of fucking up."

"He should stop it"

"You should tell him."

"I did on Monday."

"What? You talked on Monday?"

"Yeah, he brought me my backpack-"

"Oh, yeah, right, you forgot it at the table."

"Yes. Then we started arguing and I said, or screamed, he had to stop saying and doing all that crap that he does, even if he doesn't realise it and I dunno if he got the message but I told him, y'know."

He stared at me for a moment then sighed. 

"Look, I can't say for sure what's going on in Mark's head all the time, and lately he's been a lot more secretive. But I don't think he kissed you just because he felt guilty. Mark doesn't just kiss anybody that throws themselves at him, and I know you won't believe me but I think he wanted to."

"You're crazy," I said. "He'd have told you if he had feelings for me."

"I don't think he would. He has a girlfriend and still insists that he's straight, so he- "

"Cry, please," I interrupted him. "I don't wanna hear it, it makes things worse, can we just let it go?"

He nodded.

"Yeah sure."

We ate the rest of our lunch in a comfortable silence and as soon as we finished, the clock was almost at 2pm, I decided that it was pointless to go back to school. 

"Would you mind taking me home?" I asked while we were walking back to the car. 

"Sure, but don't you have another class?"

"Yeah, but I'm tired and my back's sore," I said. "I think I need ta lie down for a couple of hours."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes, I'm sure." I said with a small sigh of exasperation.

"Has it been long since your last appointment?"

"No, Ma, it hasn't been long."

"I'm serious."

We got into the car and Cry started up the engine, he didn't start driving but stared at me. 

"Its been a while," I admitted. "I should've gone two weeks ago, but I fell asleep and missed the appointment."

"Make another one" he said as he left the parking. "Seriously, book another appointment as soon as possible."

"Jesus, stop nagging" I said with a little laugh.

"I just want the best for you and the baby."

"Yeah I know. Thanks. I'll call as soon as I get home. "

"Good."

We spent the rest of that short trip in the car talking about school, finals, plans for college and stuff, and when we arrived in front of my house, he said a quick "be careful, okay?" Before giving a small pat on my shoulder.

"Yeah, sure," I said. "And you have fun at your...thing with Felix, what is it?"

"I'm taking him out to dinner at this tiny place about an hour from here, nobody knows us there."

"That should be fun."

"His mom and dad are outta town too, we have the place to ourselves so that should be great."

"Don't get too wild, kids," I said, smiling. 

"Don't think like that, we'll watch a movie and fall asleep on the couch."

I raised my eyebrows and grinned.

"Okay, probably not," he said. "We don't get to be alone often."

"Okay, okay," I interrupted. "I have to go, see ya Cry, remember protection just in case any of ya are freaks like me!"

I heard him laughing as I got out the car, then heard him drive away. 

I was in a good mood and I was smiling to myself when I approached the house; I'd spent time with someone that wasn't Mark or Dodger and I was really proud of myself, I had to give myself a mental high-five. 

But after walking into the kitchen, my good mood disappeared. 

"Hey Ma," I greeted. 

She was sitting at the table, reading a newspaper but she didn't respond and I felt my heart sink. 

She hadn't spoken to me since the day before, what was I supposed to do? Was she still angry with me?

"Okay, I'm gonna go," I said before I turned and headed out into the hallway. I could hear music blaring from Juliet's room and decided to give it a knock. She didn't respond so I knocked again. And again. And again. 

When I knocked the sixth time, she lowered the music and I heard "what?" Through the door. 

"It's me," I said, loud enough for her to hear me. "Can I come in?"

"Oh sure," I heard her say, a little more calmly. 

I opened the door and entered, finding Juliet sprawled in her bed as she took a drag from a cigarette. 

"You smoke?" I asked, raising an eyebrow as I closed the door behind me and threw myself on the chair next to her desk.

"Not really," she said with a tired sigh. "Only when I'm stressed out."

"Can you be stressed out another time then? The smoke isn't good for the baby."

"Oh, right," she said, quickly putting out the cigarette and standing up to open the window. 

"What happened?" She asked as she flung herself on to the bed.

"I told Ma everything and now she hates me" I said bluntly. 

"Aha, so that's why she's been a bitch."

I shrugged hopelessly.

"I think so, sorry."

"Why did ya tell her? It was always gonna end badly."

"I didn't have much of a choice," I said. "She wanted me ta start running every day, but obviously I can't because of the baby and I told her. She didn't believe I was pregnant, and then I blurted that I was gay too and she didn't believe that either so I think she's about to either disown me or kill me."

Juliet rolled her eyes, running her hand through her hair. 

"One of these days she's gonna call a priest to exorcise us." She giggled, clearly trying to lift my spirits. 

"I wouldn't be surprised, Jules."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, another Cry centred chapter, I really liked writing this little insight to Cry and Felix's life, it was kinda nice and a break from all the drama that's been going on in recent chapters! Anyway, I survived the dreaded hangover! 
> 
> Have a good day/night wherever you are!


	20. Please don't hate me for this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack needs someone, Mark is there to help.

I thought Ma would stop ignoring me after two or three days but I was totally wrong. The rest of the week passed and she was silent; Ian still treated me the same though and I couldn't have been more grateful - even if I didn't like him, it was nice to know that he was treating me normally. I was worried that she'd told him but it seemed like she hadn't, that or he was keeping his mouth shut. 

As promised, I had booked a new appointment with the doctor for the next day, Dr Hayes wanted to see me as soon as possible, I'd been there and she'd told me things were fine but I had to stay at home and rest as much as possible. 

Because of all the time I spent at home during the entire school year, I thought 'Well, fuck you' and I was at home, more or less, every day - only leaving once to go next door to Dodger's place and meet her new boyfriend. 

I wanted to cry when she made me step on the scale, one hundred and seventy-eight pounds, she'd assured me it was perfectly normal and then booked me in for another appointment. 

I didn't ask about the tests because, as much as I hate to admit it, I wanted Mark to be there for them. So, I kept my mouth shut and so did Dr Hayes. I wanted to know what was wrong with my body - it was quite necessary to know - but I was actually kinda scared to do it alone. 

When I got home, I thought about calling Mark, I'd almost dialled the number three times and finally gave up after that, tossing my phone to the bottom of my bed. 

On top of my the situations regarding Ma and Mark, I still had the adoption thing to think about too. I knew it was best if she was given up, she'd have parents that loved her - they picked her! Of course they'd love her- and she'd never have to worry about switching between me and Mark or watching us fight her entire life. She'd be happy but...there was an entire human growing inside me!

She kicked and she moved, I talked to her all the time and she was mine; my baby, my daughter, not some other couples and it frustrated me that Mark wanted to keep her because now the only thing stopping me from keeping her was...me. I was the only thing in my way. 

It was completely up to me and that was terrifying. 

Tuesday, April 7th  
Thirty-three weeks 

I forced myself to go to school on the 7th, deciding that staying home wouldn't solve my problems. My stomach was so big that I couldn't hide it under 400 layers and I got so many strange looks that I might as well have been part of a freak show. 

I was in a pretty bad mood, as if it weren't obvious, but despite this I attended the two hours of math (seriously though, what the fuck?) two hours of history (Who the fuck cares about Christianity in Europe?), spent half an hour at my usual table at lunch (the place being more noisy than usual) and two hours of English (Seriously, if I hear her talk about her damn husband one more time I'm gonna scream)

When the bell rang and announced the end of the day, I was so tired and grumpy that I practically barged my way through the flood of students and outside. 

I noticed Mark and Ken, both with their bags on their shoulder, a few meters away from me when I walked out of school and I desperately tried to avoid them by backtracking into the building and staying hidden behind the doors for a few minutes until I was sure they were gone. It seemed that immature behaviour was part of my every day life now, what was the point in stopping? 

No one was there when I got home that afternoon and I took the opportunity to empty the fridge of any of its appetising contents. 

Ma and Ian came home two hours later, my Ma didn't say anything and walked right past me but Ian stopped and smiled at me. 

"How's school, kid?" He asked. 

"Long, boring, tiring," I replied with a shrug.

"I remember high school being something like that," he said wryly, looking at the door. He paused for a few seconds, clearly wanting to say something. "Do you know what's happening with your mom?"

So she wasn't just bad with me and Juliet, it was Ian too. 

"We had a fight," I shrugged. "It has nothing to do with you, she's angry at me, don't worry."

He sighed.

"She knows how to hold a grudge, huh?"

"She'll probably be like this 'till Christmas."

He shook his head in obvious exasperation before turning and disappearing from sight.

*

Wednesday passed in the same way as Tuesday and the same happened with Thursday. 

I wasn't really sure how to rectify everything that was going on; Ma, Mark, myself, the baby, everything! 

It was all a big mess, and I, like always, confronted my problems by eating the food in the fridge and crying uncontrollably. 

Everything stayed that way until Friday afternoon. 

Friday, April 10  
Thirty-three weeks

It was about seven o'clock when I heard a loud crash from downstairs, it made me jump and brought my attention away from the game I was playing. I sat there for a few seconds, listening to see if something else would happen but, fortunately, nothing happened and I went back to playing the game. 

The silence didn't last, however, but it wasn't a crash this time, it was a scream and then I heard Ian yelling, I couldn't understand what he was saying but he sounded angry, actually, furious seemed to fit more. 

Then I heard Ma yelling, she didn't sound as angry. It was, as far as I know, the first time that Ma and Ian had fought over something and I couldn't help but feel kinda curious about what exactly they were arguing about. 

Knowing Ma, it was probably Ian's fault. 

Soon enough I got bored of listening to their muffled yells and returned to my game. I tried to do my best to ignore the voices coming from downstairs and I succeeded quite well. This was until their words became audible and I could hear every single word. They were right outside my bedroom door. 

That made me even more confused; why come upstairs to argue? The only room here was my room, James and David's old rooms and a bathroom that nobody but me used. There was no reason for them to be here. 

Suddenly, the door swung open and Ian burst in, red faced and angry. Ma followed behind him, she looked scared- terrified and shuffled after him, her shoulders hunched and her head facing down.

I had never seen Ian angry before, I had always thought he was too apathetic to get angry, but it was pretty obvious that I was wrong because he was angry and he was terrifying.

"What's going on?" I asked cautiously, putting the controller on the bedside table before looking at the furious man standing at the foot of my bed, staring at me.

"What is this bullshit your mom's told me about you being gay?"

I felt like I was stuck where I sat, I couldn't move, and my heart was pounding so fast that I was incredibly scared I'd have a heart attack. Ian was standing there, mouth open like a goldfish while my Ma stood behind him. 

"Y-you told him?" I croaked, looking intently at my mother, forcing her to look up at me.

"Don't change the subject!" Ian shouted. 

I moved my gaze to my stomach and let out a loud sigh. 

"W-wether I'm gay or not, it's none of yer business," I muttered.

"Shit, of course it's my business!" He growled. "You think I want to live in the same house as a fag?"

My head snapped up at these words.

"D-don't say tha-" I began, but before I could finish my sentence, he continued.

"Living with someone like you puts a bad light on all of us: me, your mother and your brothers and sisters. As if the fact that you're the size of a whale isn't bad enough, you're gay too! What will the neighbors think when they find out, huh? "

"They won't-"

"Things like that always get out, whether you like it or not!"

"This doesn't concern you and-"

"Of course it does! It concerns your mother and your brothers and sisters in the same way! "

I looked at him, trying to understand what all this meant. 

"Is there a point to all this?" I asked hesitantly after a few minutes of silence.

His jaw tightened visibly and for a brief moment I thought about how incredible it was that a man this dull could look like a fucking grizzly bear when he was mad. 

"Yes, there is a point to all this," he said, his voice so quiet scare. "The point is that it's time you packed a suitcase and left this house!"

I blinked. One. Two. Three times.

Pack?

Leave the house?

"W-what?" I stammered, my heart still beating scarily fast. 

"You heard me," he said. "Get your suitcase and get out of this house in the next thirty minutes."

"I don't think ya can throw me out of my house," I said, but my voice was shaky and I felt my body with fear. 

"Think again," he spat. "This is my house as much as it is your mothers, I want you to leave."

"If it's fifty-fifty, I suppose it's up to Ma" I said, feeling a little more safe. My Ma wouldn't pick a man she barely knew over her son, right?

"We talked about this," said Ian before Ma could speak. "We agreed that you leaving is better for everyone."

My mouth opened slightly and I looked wide-eyed at my mother.

"M-Ma?" I whispered pleadingly. "Y-y-you don't a-agree with this, right?"

I saw her take a deep breath then, still without looking at me, she nodded.

"Listen to Ian, Jack. Get your bags and leave without all the whining, it'll be easier on everyone."

I swore that my heart had been torn out of my chest and was being stamped on because it really fucking hurt. 

Unable to look at my mother, I looked down at my stomach. I had just been kicked out of my house by my Ma's fiancé, a man that I didn't even know existed a few months ago. My Ma agreed with him, I was being kicked out for no reason other than being gay. 

I didn't know how I felt. Was I angry? Maybe. Did I feel betrayed? Possibly. Was I scared? Definitely. But none of these feelings made a difference, they were just ... there, taking lead and telling me that life was about to get much more difficult than it already was. 

"Okay," I said after a long, long silence. "Okay, I'll go."

And with that I got out of bed, feeling as if my body was on auto-pilot, and took my phone off the nightstand before walking past Ma and Ian and downstairs, I pulled on my shoes and a jacket then left. 

I didn't realize what had happened until I found myself in the street.

I had just been kicked out of my house. My home for the past seven years. I had no money, no clothes, no place to go, I was completely on my own. It was about eight in the evening, the sky was dark and small drops of rain were falling from the clouds above me, and I knew that I couldn't stay out here. Although it was April, it was still pretty cold and I was wearing pyjama pants, if I stayed out here too long I'd get sick and that wouldn't be good for the baby. 

"Shit," I whispered to myself, beginning to walk slowly.

I had to find a place to stay for the night and, considering that I'd left my wallet with all of my money at home, I couldn't afford to go to a hotel. I would have to find someone that could take me in for the night. 

Dodger could have been an option if it weren't for the fact that her house was next to my house - or what once was my house - so that was out of the question, I didn't really like the idea of being right next door to them. 

The only option I really had was to call the guy that, a few hours before, I'd been avoiding like the plague. 

I stopped walking, my mind began arguing with itself.

Call Mark.

Call Mark.

Bad idea.

It's the only option.

Bad idea.

Still the only option.

Possibility of a harsh rejection.

This doesn't change the fact that it's still the only option.

Even though I felt a lump forming in my throat from the pure anxiety of how Mark would react, I pulled my phone out from my pocket and hesitantly clicked on the contact list. I stopped, my finger very close to the screen when I reached Mark and I hesitated, I almost didn't call him, but I quickly reminded myself that it was either this or sleeping on a park bench. Just the thought made me tremble, and before I had the chance to argue with myself again, I pressed call. 

It rang three times before Mark answered. 

"Um, hello," I said quietly.

"Hello? Why the fuck did you call me?"

He seemed irritated. I couldn't blame him. 

"I ... I need a favor," I mumbled. 

"A favor," he repeated. "You need a favor. Great. "

"Mark, please," I sighed. 

"What the fuck do you want then?"

I took a deep breath and prayed that he wouldn't just laugh and hang up. 

"I need a place to sleep tonight."

There was silence for a few seconds.

"Why?"

"Because I was just kicked out 'cause I'm gay"

There was silence again, this time it felt longer, I could hear Mark breathing on the other end of the line - the only indication that he hadn't hung up.

"Okay, fine," he said finally. "Where are you?"

I sighed with relief.

"At the end of my street, Harwood."

"I'll be there in twenty minutes."

"Thanks, Mark, really."

"No problem."

With that he hung up, leaving me with my thoughts. Too tired to stay standing, I sat on the ground, ignoring the fact that the ground was wet and my ass was getting wet because of it. Whilst sat down, all alone in the middle of the street in a small neighborhood, it was pretty easy to get lost in my thoughts. I tried to think of happier things and easier. Like school. Was it bad that the positive in my life had become school?

I tried not to change the subject, however, thinking about the history test on Tuesday and the art project u still had to finish. 

I was too caught up in my thoughts, the distractions, to notice the sound footsteps approaching me until a pair of black boots appeared in my peripheral vision. 

"You didn't take anything with you," said Ma, looking at me with sad eyes. She held out a bag, as if to show me something, and then put it on the ground next to me. "I've put some clothes, a pair of shoes, your laptop, a couple of your books, your school things and your wallet in there."

I looked up at her but I didn't say anything, I didn't even blink. 

The corners of her mouth drooped slightly.

"I'm so sorry for all this, Jack," she said softly. "I didn't want it to come to this."

"I'm seriously hurt," I snapped. "I told you I was gay and pregnant, I trusted you with that, and ya threw me out."

I noticed the way her face contorted at the word 'pregnant', but she didn't comment on it.

"Like I said, I'm sorry," she said. "Do you have a place to stay tonight? I put two hundred dollars in your wallet, do you need any more?"

"I don't want anything from you," I said through clenched teeth, averting my eyes to the ground. I wouldn't cry. Not now. "Thanks for bringing my stuff. You can go now."

She said nothing, but I heard a muffled sob, then she leaned down and her lips press against my forehead while her hand ran through my hair. 

"I love you so much, sweetheart," she said. "Please don't hate me for this."

"It's too late for that."

She then walked off, she was gone. I was alone again. 

It was at then that everything that had happened hit me and suddenly a river of tears were rolling down my cheeks while I tried to muffle my pathetic sobs. 

My mother. My Mother. My own mother had kicked me out of the house without seeming to even regret the decision; How could she do this to me? What parent could do that to their child? I hadn't even finished school, I had no job and no way of supporting myself and she'd kicked me out...because I was gay.

She kicked me out because I fell in love with boys instead of girls, she'd taken Ian's side over mine when a year ago she didn't even know his name, she'd betrayed her son, she'd betrayed me. 

What parent would do that? Didn't she love me? Did she just love Ian more than she loved me? If so, was it because I was gay or was it always that way? Did something about me just scream 'unable to be loved'?

It was in that state; cold, wet, tired and sad, that Mark found me in ten minutes later. He opened the car door and sprinted from the car to me, instantly dropping to his knees next to me.

"Oh, Jack," he sighed, wrapping his arms around me. "You're a real mess, you know that?"

I looked at him and tried to smile. 

"Sorry for calling," I said, my voice hoarse. "I didn't k-know who else t-ta call...and I-I d-"

"It's okay, don't worry about it," he assured me. "Come on, let me help you get up," he added, he brought himself to his feet and stood in front of me, holding out both hands. 

It was pretty hard to get me up on my feet, and I'm pretty sure I apologised about a thousand times in the thirty seconds it took to get there. 

"Sorry." I mumbled, trying to lean down and pick up the bag from the ground. 

"Let me get it, you get in the car" He said, and to my relief, there was a small smile on his lips.

"Ya sure?"

"Yeah, just get in the car before you hurt yourself."

My cheeks became slightly red at that, but I did what he told me and I nodded, heading towards the car and sitting in the passenger seat. Mark joined me a few seconds later and then he turned to me. 

"So here we are" he said, raising his eyebrows slightly. "Kinda unexpected."

"Yeah," I said, wiping the tears from my eyes. "It was kinda shit of me ta call ya when I've been avoiding ya."

"Just a little."

"I'm sorry."

It felt a little inadequate to say a simple 'I'm sorry ', but I wasn't really sure what else to say without sounding like a complete idiot.

He sighed.

"We're not very good at simple conversations." He sighed. "We always end up fighting."

I couldn't disagree. 

"I know." I paused for a second before continuing. "But ... I'm really sorry for what happened last week, I shouldn't have said those things."

"It's okay," she said, smiling slightly. "I think I overreacted."

"So, I guess we're both at fault here?"

"I guess so."

"And ... we're okay now?"

He pursed his lips and nodded.

"How about we talk about it later? I rushed out without telling my mom where I was going so if I'm not back soon she's gonna send out a search party." Mark chuckled. 

"Oh, yeah, sure," I said, "Let's go."

The drive to Mark's house passed in a comfortable silence; I didn't feel the need to talk and luckily Mark didn't either. I felt his eyes on me at some point, but I pretended not to notice and kept staring out the window.

When we turned into Mark's driveway and started approaching the house, I checked my phone, eight thirty. 

It was odd. 

The last hour of my life felt like it'd happened long ago; maybe years or months ago, I couldn't decide. I couldn't feel upset anymore but I knew that'd change in a while, It'd hit me again later. 

"You can come in, you know." Mark said as he stared at me from inside the house. 

"Oh, right," I said and entered. I went through the usual routine, shoes off and jacket hung up. When I'd finished that, I turned to Mark. 

"Done?" He asked.

I nodded and smiled, or tried to. 

"Good, now come on, I wanna introduce you to my mom!"

"You what?" I exclaimed, I suddenly felt nervous and my voice began to mirror my nervousness. "But I'm w-wearing pyjama pants and my ass is wet from sitting on the street a-"

"She won't care," he interrupted. "Come on."

I tried to protest but, instead of listening to me, he grabbed my arm and practically dragged me through the house to the living room.

"I know I should feel grateful that you're letting me stay here since I currently don't have anywhere to live," I whispered. "But I hate you right now."

He didn't answer, but I noticed him smiling and, for some reason, it made me feel a little bit better, just a little. 

We entered the living room a few seconds later and, immediately, I noticed a woman sitting on an armchair in front of the TV, she was reading a book, a pair of glasses sat on the end of her nose and her dark hair was tied back out of her face; I could see where Mark got his good looks from. 

"Hey, Mom," Mark said as he dragged me towards her, stopping as soon as we blocked the TV. 

The woman looked up and smiled.

"Hi there," she said.

"So, this is Jack," he continued.

Her eyebrows shot up immediately but then she spoke and my concern melted away but it was replaced with an awkward

"So you're the boy that's having my granddaughter," she said with a smile. "It's so nice to finally meet you," she added, extending a hand.

I stared for a second or two before I was able to bring myself to shake her hand. 

"I- uh, I, hello," I stuttered. "I-I didn't know ... you knew."

"I wouldn't if I didn't see an ultrasound picture on Mark's desk and a baby book under his bed," he said. "I found myself in a pretty embarrassing situation trying to talk to him about it, let me tell you."

"It was a lot more embarrassing when I had to tell her the whole story," Mark said, shrugging his shoulders. "It wasn't easy trying to convince her, she thought I was pulling some kinda prank."

"Um, right, yeah," I said, scratching the back of my neck.. "I-I'm happy you, I dunno, agree with it?"

"There isn't much else I can do," she shrugged, still smiling. "Especially not since Mark told me that you're considering keeping the baby."

"Oh. Right."

"Sorry, I'll let you boys go now," she said. "I'm embarrassing you."

"Oh no, you're not-"

She gave a dismissive nod.

"It's okay, you can say it."

"Okay, okay, that's our cue to leave," Mark said, grabbing my arm again, pulling me towards the door. "Oh, mom, Jack's gonna stay here tonight."

"I guessed," she said, averting her eyes back to her book as Mark dragged me out into the hallway.

"So, that was my mom," Mark said as we started walking down the hallway.

"She seems nice," I told him. "Very friendly."

"Yes, she's great." He said. "My dad is too, y'know."

"Where is he?"

"He's on a business trip with Felix's dad in Canada."

"Pretty far away then."

"Yeah but what can you do, right?" Mark shrugged. 

We reached his room and he opened the door, holding it open for me. 

"You can sleep in Thomas's old room," he said as he set my backpack on the floor by the door. "Usually we use it as a guest room so the bed's made and all that other stuff."

"Okay, great," I said. 

"So," Mark began as he sat in the bed. "Do you wanna continue this conversation from earlier or do you wanna do it tomorrow 'cause you look exhausted and I wouldn't really be in the mood for it after being...y'know."

"We can do it now, we might as well get it over with," I said as I sat down next to him. 

"That's what she said."

I couldn't help but smile at that, seriously, was he twelve?

"About that thing last week," he continued. "Do you realize that all those things you said aren't true?"

"Which part in particular?" I asked, I'd said a lot of things. 

"The part about me only caring about the baby and the part about how I only kissed you because I felt sorry for you."

"Right, that part," I muttered, looking down. "I guess I was just...confused? Angry? hurt? I dunno."

"I figured," he said quickly. "I care about you as much as I care about our daughter and I didn't kiss you because I felt sorry for you, I need you to believe that,"

I nodded.

"Okay," I said. "I believe you, I think. It's just...the way you looked at me after we kissed, it wasn't good."

"The way I looked at you?" He asked, frowning in confusion.

I smiled weakly.

"You seemed irritated and angry and really, really disgusted."

His frown deepened. 

"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't realize, I can assure you that's not how I felt."

"Yeah, okay," I told myself.

"Are we good now?"

I nodded.

"Yeah."

"Good. Remember, I care about you," he said, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and pulling me in. "I care about you so much."

"Yeah, me too," I said without thinking. 

My cheeks reddened as soon as I realized what I'd said, but he didn't seem to notice. 

He smiled for a second before pushing himself off the bed. 

"We should probably talk about this some more but you look tired and it's probably not good for the baby if you're tired."

The thought of a comfortable bed and a clean pair of pyjama pants was more than welcoming so I pushed myself off the bed and followed behind him. 

He offered me another smile, picked up my backpack and left the room, I followed him down the hall and into a room 2 doors down, he opened it an stepped inside. The room was slightly bigger than Mark's and it looked pretty similar, most of the furniture was the same so I could only assume that they bought them at the same time. 

"I think you'll be comfortable in here," he said, gesturing to the room. "The bed's the same as mine so I know you'll like that."

"I don't doubt it."

"Hm. Well I'll leave and let you sleep," he said, he placed my backpack on the desk near the window then began to leave. "If you need me, I'm in my room."

I nodded, wondering if it'd be really childish to ask for a hug, I mean, I couldn't be any more of a mess, right?

"Hey, Mark?"

"What's up?"

"Think I can get a hug?"

Mark smiled, nodded and stepped forwards, as soon as he reached me he wrapped his arms around me tightly and rested his chin on my head. It was nice, even so, I was flooded with a wave of sadness and I began crying...again...

He didn't move though, he held onto me tighter and began letting my head; he didn't speak, he didn't move, he just stayed with me. 

I knew why I was upset, why wouldn't I be? All this time I'd been too calm, it was bound to happen at some point, I was just glad that Mark was there for it. 

I don't know how long we stayed like that but I was the one to break the hug, I wiped my eyes of tears and gave him a weak smile. 

"Thanks."

"Don't worry, Jack, I'm here for you." He said softly. "If you need anything else, tell me, okay?"

I nodded. 

Mark smiled and began to leave again. 

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was such a hard chapter to write, personally, and although it has been in my mind for a while, I didn't expect it to be this hard...oh, man. 
> 
> So, a summary; Jack is no longer living at home, Mark's mom knows and they've finally decided to talk. 
> 
> Have a nice day/night guys!


	21. You wouldn't be my last choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack wants to help, Mark wants to change his ways and they decide to talk some more.

Staying at Mark's house was surprisingly okay. His parents didn't say anything about why I was there but I was sure that Mark had told them if his moms soft smiles and sympathetic glances or his dad constantly saying "stay here as long as you need to," or his brothers petting my arms and telling me with big smiles that "it's gonna be okay" had anything to say about it 

I was eternally grateful to them for letting me stay here but I still felt kind of guilty. I was staying in a house without paying and I couldn't really help out all that much, you can understand why, but I still felt like I should do something. 

Juliet hadn't called; not yet. So either she didn't care or something had happened, I knew she cared though so something must've happened. She'd tell me what eventually, she'd phone me right? Dodger too...I'd chosen to act like everything was normal with her, at least until things got better so we talked like normal and when she asked about my Ma, I simply told her she was 'okay' and that was it. She didn't need to know yet. 

Wednesday, April 13  
Thirty-four weeks. 

Mark was currently engaged in staring at the fridge, probably looking for something to drink that wasn't milk since he kept repeating the words "milk everywhere" he seemed to be getting nowhere with his quest. 

"Hey, Mark?" I said hesitantly. 

"Hm?" He replied absently, still with his head in the fridge.

"Is it- I mean, is it okay that I'm here?" I asked gently biting my lip.

He pulled up instantly and looked at me, frowning.

"Why do you ask?"

I shrugged.

"I don't know, it's just that I take up space and I eat yer food and I don't really do anything ta help out."

"You've only been here for four days," he said. "And you're pretty inexpensive, don't worry."

"For now," I said. "I should start helping out, I don't know how long it's gonna be until I find somewhere else to stay so, it's the least I can do."

He smiled a little before closing the door of the refrigerator, walking towards me and placing both hands on my shoulders.

"First of all, you're almost eight months pregnant and I'd prefer you didn't do anything that wasn't strictly necessary," he said. "That means that you're not doing housework or any of that stuff that you're thinking about when you say 'I should help out'."

I had to admit, doing housework sounded anything but inviting and I got tired from walking most of the time but, I still felt obligated to help out. 

"Are ya sure?" I asked. "I could at least help with-"

"No, Jack," he interrupted in a singsong tone, shaking his head. "You just sit on your sweet little ass until the baby is born so that you don't hurt yourself or her, my mom said so."

"What? Your mom said I should sit on my sweet little ass? "

He smiled wryly.

"No, but she told me that since you're pregnant, you've gotta rest a lot and she won't stand for you doing any housework."

"Aha, so you talk about me to your mom then," I said, raising my eyebrows. 

"Yeah, well, I had to talk to someone," he said simply. "And who better than a woman that's been pregnant twice?"

"True," I said. I paused for a second and then I let out a sigh. "Look, you've been fantastic and your mom and dad are amazing but, honestly, I have no idea when I can get a place of my own. It could take weeks and it doesn't seem right ta just stay here all that time."

Mark sighed and brought down his hands from my shoulders down to my stomach, resting them there.

"Jack, listen," he said. "You're pregnant with my baby and I want you both to be safe, okay? And I'm my house I guarantee your safety, I'm less that a minute away from you and my mom and dad know what to do, Daryl and Michael adore you, I would prefer you stayed here until the baby is born and even after she is, regardless of wether we keep her or not, until you're okay."

I swallowed, my stomach twisted uneasily with those last words, but when he looked at me with those warm, thoughtful eyes and I saw that his hands were resting protectively on my belly, I didn't have the heart to tell him that I was more inclined to give her up with each passing day. 

"Are you sure?" I asked. "Y'know I've still got six weeks ta go, that's a really long time ta be staying somewhere."

"It's okay," he said slowly, as he rubbed my belly. "I talked with my mom and dad and they're cool with it; dad said that the house has been too empty since Thomas left, mom's really excited about her granddaughter and the boys like you enough."

"Really?" I asked, slightly surprised at this. "They're happy their son got another man pregnant at a party?"

He chuckled.

"They don't know about the party, I just said you're Felix's friend and he introduced us."

"And that's okay?" I asked, feeling somewhat confused. "That their son got a guy pregnant?"

"Yeah, well, like I said, they're pretty cool," he said with a shrug and a smile. "They don't ask questions, they just...accept it for what it is I suppose."

"It's kinda shit my parents don't think that way," I said with a humorless laugh. "I mean, my Ma and her boyfriend."

His smile faltered, and was immediately replaced by a frown.

"How do you do it?" He questioned. "Your mom chooses a guy she's known for about a year over you and you're just...calm, it's almost like you don't care."

"You kinda gotta get over it, I suppose." I told him, not wanting to tell him that I'd cried nearly every single night about it since I got here. 

"I hate to say it but that's fucking awful," he complained. "Parents priorities should always be their children, no matter what they do with their lives, with the exception of them killing someone or something like that obviously."

"You're gonna be such a good dad one day," I said, smiling slightly.

He smiled brightly and then turned his gaze down, looking at my belly.

"Maybe I will be very soon," he said. "What do you think, kid? Am I gonna be the best dad in the whole wide world?"

"Aw, isn't that sweet" Said a woman's voice. 

We both turned and saw Mark's mom standing at the doorway, a big smile on her face. 

"Shouldn't you two be getting ready for school?" She added.

"We were, but Jack started his crazy talk," Mark said with his hands still on the same spot. 

I was starting to wonder if Mark ever hid anything from his parents, it didn't seem like it. 

For example, Saturday at dinner, he started ranting about Cry and Felix, how they were acting weird and he felt like they were hiding something from him. I opted to stay out of that conversation in particular and he talked to them about Ken and this girl called Mary that he was fawning over. 

"Maybe you should go now," she said as she walked toward the coffee machine. "Your classes start in ten minutes."

"Okay, okay," Mark said and turned away from me. 

Soon enough, we were running out the door, by that I mean Mark ran while I tried to keep up. Needless to say, I failed miserably.

"We're gonna be late," he said as he was driving. "We've got five minutes."

"Maybe starting s long conversation before school isn't the best idea," I said, immediately followed by a yawn.

"Tired?" He asked.

"Yeah," I said, sighing a little. "I spent half the night trying to calm your child. I swear, she inherited your kicks."

"For your sake, I hope she doesn't kick as hard as I do," he said dryly.

"I don't think she's that strong yet."

"One day she might be."

"Hopefully she's stopped kicking me by then."

"Well, I'll teach her not to kick people," Mark chuckled. "Balls are safe, people are not."

"Kicking people could be useful though, if it came to it," I pondered. "You know, if she wanted to do karate or judo or something."

"In that case I'd be going too, then we can both fight off all the bad guys, we can be some cool dad-daughter fighting champions and we can make sure nobody hurts you."

"Thank you," I chuckled. "Glad to know you'll be there to protect me."

"Always."

It wasn't as if he'd just declared his undying love for me; heck, he only said a simple word that probably didn't mean that much to him but regardless of what he meant, that one word made my heart beat fast and my whole body warm up, it brought me back to him telling me he didn't kiss me because he felt sorry for me, I was still a little curious about what he meant by that. A little is an understatement, I was extremely curious. 

However, this wasn't the right time to have that discussion.

"How are things with you and Lauren?" I asked instead, trying to avert the conversation. 

"Um, good, I think," he said, "At least she's stopped nagging about me spending too much time with you."

"I suppose that'll change since we live in the same house."

"No, I don't know, she'd freak out, probably deprive me of sex for a week or something if she found out."

"Tough loss," I said dryly. "But you said this morning you wanted me to stay close, what do I do when she's there? Do I just hide in the room? Isn't that risky?"

"I don't know," he said. 

We pulled into the parking and Mark didn't say anything else, he looked really distracted; worried. 

"Oh, anyway," I said when we got out the car and started walking into school. "I have an appointment with Dr. Hayes on Monday, wanna come with me?"

In all honesty I was worried he'd say he had plans or he didn't want to, I wanted him to be there and I knew I could do it alone but...it was kinda weird to be there alone and I just really liked him being there. 

"Yeah, sure," he said. "What time?"

"At three."

"I have to skip chemistry then," he said.

"Oh. I can go alone if ya- "I began, but he shook his head. 

"No, I'm fine," he said with a reassuring smile. "And I know you want to start a fight about it, but it's no problem, it's been a while since I went to the doctors with you"

I smiled, trying to refrain from wrapping my arms around his neck and hugging him until his head popped off. 

"Okay," I said, trying not to sound too happy.. "Monday at three. Do you to go straight there from school then?"

"It's probably better."

"Hmm."

We walked in silence for a few seconds.

"Um, Mark?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Go on."

"Aren't ya worried about Lauren finding out I'm living with ya?" I asked hesitantly. "I mean, we come to school together, we leave together, we walk around your neighbourhood and she could easily find out if decides to give you a surprise visit, and you just kinda seem indifferent."

He glanced at me sideways as we continued to walk, but it took a few seconds before he answered.

"I'm not indifferent," he said, as he slowly passed his hand through his hair. "It's just, you don't deserve to be treated like shit because my girlfriend is jealous, you haven't done anything wrong; I treated you like shit when you first told me about the baby, I treated you like shit after that thing in your room, which was my fault, I treated you like shit after we kissed, again my fault, and you don't deserve any of that, I guess it's time I made peace and stopped being an asshole."

We were about to turn the corner that led us into the courtyard of the school, which was probably filled with people despite classes starting ten minutes before, when I stopped and smiled at him. 

"What? Did I say something stupid? "He asked.

"No, no," I said quickly. "Just ... thank you, I suppose."

"For what?"

"For being good to me, letting me stay with ya and all that," I said.

He smiled, almost affectionately, and took a step toward me.

"Anytime," he said.

I looked at him and the space between our bodies it immediately brought me back to the day we kissed. To stop myself from doing something stupid, I stared down at the floor. 

"Hey, what's up?" I heard him ask and afterwards, a hand loosely clasped mine.

"Nothing," I said, trying not to look up.

"You seem a little out of it," she said, frowning slightly. "Are you sure I didn't say something dumb? It wouldn't be the first time."

"No, you didn't say something dumb," I said with a little laugh. "I swear."

His fingers tightened around mine. 

"Okay," he nodded. "We should probably go to class, we're already late."

"Yeah, yeah," I muttered, my good mood immediately destroyed at the thought of two hours of math. 

"No good classes today?" He asked with an amused twinkle in his eyes.

"No class is good these days," I said. "But it's okay, I'll survive."

"That's the spirit," he said cheerfully. "Do you want a hug to help you get through?"

I smiled a little those words.

"Of course, if you really think you can help,"

"I think I can," he said, before letting go of my hand and wrapping his arms around me. Because of my protruding belly, there was a limit to how close we could get, and the embrace had become a tad embarrassing, nevertheless I wrapped my arms around his neck and leaned my cheek on his shoulder .

"Your stomach is in between us," he muttered in my ear. 

I chuckled lightly.

"I'm sorry."

"No problem, it's still nice to hug you." He pulled me closer. "It's kinda like she's part of the hug."

I tried not to get too excited about that, preferring instead to enjoy the embrace for as long as possible.

"Are we interrupting something?"

I jumped back at the unexpected voice and turned around to find Felix and Cry standing there, Cry with his arms crossed over his chest and Felix with his eyebrow raised and a smirk plastered on his face. 

"What're you two doing back here?" Mark asked, apparently not at all bothered.

"We were late, so, we're skipping class" Cry said with a shrug.

Skipping class. Yeah, that's what they call it. 

"Skipping class?" Mark asked with a raised eyebrow. "I expected it from you, Cry, but Felix? What are you, some kinda thug?" He laughed. "Cry's finally getting to you, man."

"I think I should go," I said before Felix had a chance to respond. I began to walk away from Mark and threw a quick glance at Cry and Felix. "Um ... yeah, see you later Mark, bye," I said, passing all three of them to get away as quickly as possible. 

Just before I turned the corner, I heard Cry speaking. 

"So, what've we stumbled upon here, Mark?"

I couldn't tell if Mark answered, but I heard him mumble something and the word "crazy" was included. And that is how my good mood fell into a pit of despair once again.

My day was, as expected, incredibly long and boring. After Math, Art and history I had lunch. I considered going to look for Mark but when I'd started considering it, he entered with an arm wrapped around Lauren's waist while he laughed at something one of his football buddies said, he looked happy so I was sure I could eat lunch alone and not bother him. I'd already bothered him enough since I found out I was pregnant, he was happy. There was no need to bother him because I wanted to feel less alone for twenty minutes. 

I skipped two hours of P.E after lunch, for obvious reasons, and sat in the school library and tried to do some catch-up homework. I managed to do most of it without falling asleep and had to give myself a pat on the back for that. 

When I left class at three o'clock, I had to wait behind for the crowd to disperse, too afraid that, with my stomach being so big, someone would harm the baby. I was a little later out and decided to head down to meet Mark at the car. 

To my relief, he was already there when I arrived, the relief turned to nervousness because he wasn't alone, Lauren was pressed up against him. 

Their lips were almost glued together and I stopped abruptly, because I wasn't sure what to do, did I go over? Did I stay here? That wasn't the only reason though, it was because I felt my heart drop and deflate like a balloon. 

I stood there looking like an idiot for a few minutes, waiting for them to stop so I could go over, I didn't really feel comfortable near Lauren and I didn't want to cause another argument between them. When they finished and broke the kiss, I was afraid that Lauren would see me but fortunately, instead of coming towards me, she planted a quick kiss on Mark's lips and turned the other direction. As soon as she was far enough away, I walked towards the car. 

Mark looked up and smiled when he noticed me. 

"Hey," he greeted. "Are you okay?" He added, moving closer. 

"Yeah, why?" I said, my voice a little higher than usual. 

"You seem off, that's all," he shrugged.

"I'm fine," I insisted, waving my hand. "Can we just go?"

"Oh, sure," he said, still watching me with mild curiosity as he walked around to the other side of the car.

The trip home was silent. I had no desire to talk because I was tired and because my hear ached from seeing Mark and Lauren kissing. 

It was ridiculous, right? I knew that they were together, so why did that hurt so much? They must've kissed all the time. I decided to stop thinking about that, it just made it hurt more. 

*

"It looks like nobody's home," Mark said as soon as we entered the house fifteen minutes later. We checked the kitchen, living room and bedroom but nobody was around. 

"I think we have to make dinner ourselves then"

"I think I'm gonna sleep for a few hours," I said. "So don't make me anything."

"So I've to make dinner all alone?" He asked, mock offended.

"Sorry," I said with a small smile. "I'm tired now and I become cranky when I don't nap."

"Fine, grandpa, go take a nap," he said, sticking out his tongue like a child. 

"Thanks," I said laughing. "Wake me up around six, okay?"

"Yeah, sure," he said. "Have a nice nap,"

I smiled briefly before leaving the kitchen and walking to the room, the second the door closed behind me my jeans were pulled off and replaced with pyjama pants and my sweater was replaced with a loose shirt, I'd then crawled into bed and lay on my side with a hand on my belly. 

"The days are getting longer and longer, don't ya think?" I mumbled sleepily. "I don't think you have a sense of time, but who knows, maybe you know the difference between day and night, if ya don't, it's probably daytime if something is stressing me out and night if I'm calm and asleep and everything's nice."

She kicked. 

"Well yeah, except when you kick," I said. "You think you can sit still for a few hours so that I can sleep?"

In response I received a small kick, but to my relief, she remained still after that.

"Thank you," I said and soon, I fell asleep. 

*

When I woke up again, the room was much darker than it was when I fell asleep. My body was still half asleep and I didn't even try to get up, I just lay there staring at the ceiling for a while, that didn't last long since the door slowly opened and I jerked my head to look at it. 

"Jack?" I heard Mark ask. "Are you awake?"

"Pretty much," I answered and I heard him chuckle. He flicked the light on and I suddenly felt like my eyes were burning. 

"Too much light," I moaned as I sank my face into the pillows.

"Sorry," he apologised, and I heard him close the door and move toward the bed.

"I brought you some food," he told me.

I looked up at him, blinking a few times to adjust my eyes to the light then glanced down at the food. 

"I feel like I'm in some kinda fancy hotel," I said guiltily, pulling myself upright. My back was aching and I let out a low groan as I straightened it. "You didn't have'ta bring it ta me, I'm capable of walking."

He sat down next to me and handed me the plate. 

"It was my mom that told me to bring it in," he said. "She said something about how important it is for a pregnant person eat properly and regularly."

"Yeah," I said before accepting the plate. "I could've just come to the kitchen to eat like a normal person."

"Just eat, alright?" He said, but there was an amused expression on his face and a twinkle in his eyes.

I smiled back at him for a second before starting to eat. 

The food was wonderful, as always, and it didn't take more than ten minutes to completely clear the plate. I realized that I must've looked like a pig to Mark, he'd watched me the entire time. 

"I guess it was good," he said, amused. 

"Yeah. Your mom is a good cook. "

"You should tell her, she'll like that."

"I will," I said as I sat the empty plate on the nightstand.

"Well," he sang.

There was a brief pause in the meantime that I manoeuvred into. More comfortable position. Mark looked down then back to me and his brows pulled together. 

"Jack?"

I glanced at his expression and my heart sank; a nervous Mark never brought anything good.

"Yeah?"

"I think ... I think there's a few things we should talk about," he said, "I mean really talk."

I swallowed hard. 

"What?" I asked hesitantly. "What kind of things?"

"Well, two things actually," he said as he scratched the back of his neck.  
"Number one, the fact that you like me and number two, about keeping the baby."

Okay, so he wanted to talk about two of the biggest problems I was currently facing. He wanted to discuss these two things right now. Sure. Okay. No problem.

"R-right now?" I squeaked.

"There isn't much time left to talk about it," he said with a shrug.

"I guess not," I said uneasily. "I understand the second thing but do we really need ta talk about the first thing?"

"We live in the same house, and I know that you feel something for me," he said. "So, yeah, I think it is necessary to talk about it."

I frowned.

"If me staying here's a prob-"

"I didn't say it's a problem, I just said that we need to talk."

"Why Mark?" I asked wearily. "I'm not gonna creep into yer room or somethin' if that's what yer worried about."

"Obviously," he sighed. "But it's just that- well, if I lived in the same house as someone I had feelings for, that I'd kissed and who's baby I was carrying, I'd feel pretty weird about it. Doesn't it make you kinda uncomfortable?" 

I shrugged.

"I don't know," I said. "I never had time to sit down and think about it, not really. Right now I'm just really happy that you're letting me stay here."

He looked at me quizzically for a few seconds before answering.

"Okay," he said then. "But if I brought Lauren here one night, how much would you hate that?"

I'd hate it with every fiber of my being and, with my stupid hormones, I'd probably cry. 

"I- well, I wouldn't be happy about it," I said hesitantly, "I wouldn't die though, I can live with it, ya really don't have'ta think about how I feel about everything you say and do, live your life the way you wanna." 

"Now you're being ridiculous," he said, rolling his eyes. "I care about how you can feel based on what I say or do so that's why I need to think about it."

"I believe that, but-"

"Jack, listen to me," he interrupted. "I know how you feel, okay? I've had feelings for people that I'd never have a chance with and it sucked and-oh my god that came out wrong, I'm sorry."

I forced a smile but I could feel pain in my chest again. 

"It's okay," I said. "Can we stop talking about this now?"

"No, we can't."

"Why not?"

"Jack."

"What, Mark?" I said with maddening and slightly hysterical laughter. "What else can we say? I already knew that you were straight and I fucking fell for ya because, like Cry and Felix said, you're the first guy I ever had sex with, you're the father of my child, you treated me nice most of the time and you were the first person to even just remember my name. I fell for you and it was stupid, because you'd never fall for me and even if you were gay, I'd never stand a chance and I've always known that but I did it anyway, now I have'ta live with it."

I moved to get out of bed but Merk took hold of my wrist. 

"Don't run away," he pleaded he moved around to sit in front of me. "You can't run away every time that we have a normal conversation."

I looked down at my belly.

"Sorry," I mumbled.

"It's okay," he said and despite not looking at him, I could tell there was a smile "can you please look at me?"

I sighed but I did as he asked and looked up. 

"Happy?"

He smiled again and nodded.

"Yeah, thanks," he said.

For a couple of seconds, he looked confused or worried, like he was trying to say something but couldn't find the right words. 

"Just ... okay, I-I have a girlfriend," he stammered. "I have a girlfriend and I love her, but ... but if she wasn't there y-you...you-" he stopped and took a deep breath. "Let's just say that if she wasn't my girlfriend then you wouldn't be my last choice, okay?"

I blinked one, two, three times and after I'd registered what he said, my eyes widened but before I could even open my mouth, Mark had pushed himself off the bed and was walking to the door. 

He waited for half a second at the door and I was silently begging him to come back and explain that last thing; he didn't. He left quickly and closed the door behind him, leaving me even more damn confused than before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, 300 kudos now :O that's so amazing! Wow, that's so many?!?! I know I've said it every time but wow! 
> 
> I was going to do a double upload as a little celebration but I might leave that until tomorrow (I found Bully amongst my games stash and now I'm lost, sorry) 
> 
> Anyway, this chapter was pretty tame compared to the last one, I've tried to give you guys and myself a break from that for this, I mean, mostly...
> 
> So, two chapters tomorrow and one today! Yay!


	22. You're not a doormat, dear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack snaps, Mark's mom is the best thing to happen to them and Mark's still a bit of an ass.

Thursday, April 14th  
Thirty-four weeks

"Jack, you're gonna be late if you don't get out of bed!"

I wanted to die. I wanted to really die. 

Well, maybe I didn't but right now I did. For obvious reasons I didn't get much sleep that night. 

"Let's just say that if she wasn't my girlfriend then you wouldn't be my last choice, okay?"

Okay? Okay? He thought that that'd be okay? If he thought that, he was wrong, because it was far from okay. 

After spending the last three weeks or so telling me he was totally straight he comes out with this shit and tells me that the idea of us being together isn't totally impossible? Why did he think that was okay? 

Did he say it to console me? If he did, I'd probably burst into tears, I filed that away to talk to him about later because as much as I wanted to talk about it now, I didn't want to be late. 

Fifteen minutes later we were driving to school, we were both quiet for most of the way there but when we were five minutes away, I decided to speak up. 

"Mark?"

"Hm?" He answered, absently.

"We don't have enough time to talk about it," I said. "But can we at least clarify something, about last ni-"

"Oh, fuck, I had to call Lauren," he interrupted, as if he'd heard nothing of what I'd just said. Without even turning to look at me -okay, well, he was driving - he took his phone from above the dashboard.

He pressed a few buttons on the screen and waited with his shoulder supporting the phone. Really? He had to call her now? He couldn't even wait for me to finish speaking?

Was he trying to pretend last night never happened? Was this really how he was dealing with this?

I felt seething anger inside me and moved my gaze straight ahead, crossing my arms over my chest and emitted a slight snort of annoyance.

When we got to school and parked the car, I was really angry, which may have been a little ridiculous given that I didn't know if my theory was actually correct, so I got out and walked towards the school without looking at him. 

"We've still got a few minutes 'till classes start," I heard Mark say behind me. "You don't have to rush."

"I don't care," I said dryly, without bothering to turn back or even stop. 

"What's wrong now?" He asked.

I wanted to say a thousand things but I limited myself to stifle a laugh and walked on. 

I spent the rest of the day annoyed and when I bumped into Felix during the lunch break and he greeted me, I just looked at him, grunted and walked away. I was behaving like a spoiled child and I knew it, but could anyone really blame me? My crush, who I'd spent so long thinking I never had a chance with, told me the night before that maybe I did have a chance with him then acted like he hadn't. Did he think that was okay? Fucking bastard. 

When the day ended, I walked to the bus stop instead of toward the parking lot, deciding that I wouldn't sit in a car with Mark for fifteen minutes. I regretted the decision pretty quickly though, because the bus was full of people and I ended up having to stand, holding on to a metal pole stuck to a middle-aged overweight woman in a very awkward position. 

I felt my phone vibrate more than once during the twenty minutes it took to get to the bus stop near Mark's place and I ignored them, and the annoyed looks of the other passengers. 

I ignored Mark when I got home too, I went straight into the camera "my" room and gave a smile and a 'hey' to Mark's mom, Ara, when I saw her in the hallway but completely ignored Mark who was standing behind her. That didn't go unnoticed and he looked at me confused but I was adamant I was staying mad. I managed to keep it up for an impressive amount of time - well, impressive by my standards at least - but when the clock struck 8 my anger had subsided and I found myself mentally kicking myself for acting like a child. 

I sent a message of apology to Felix for being rude to him, but I decided not to go to Mark to apologize and went to bed feeling like an immature brat.

Friday, April 15  
Thirty-four weeks. 

When I woke up on Friday morning, I wasn't able to calm my anger and the day passed in the same way as the previous one. Mark tried to talk to me during breakfast, but I ignored him promptly and took the bus to school which only put me in a worse mood. 

He tried to approach me at lunch, but I walked away, feeling his confused gaze as I did; He was seriously confused? What the fuck? Was he that stupid? 

It seemed then that he understood, though, because he had not tried to call me once after school and, just like the day before, I took the bus home. 

At dinner that night, it seemed as if he'd seen enough because he stood, after barely eating anything and murmured under his breath. 

"Well, let me know when you're done acting like a bitch" and left the room.

"What's going on?" His mom asked, looking at me questioningly.

"We talked," I said with a weak smile.

"Mark is sad" said Michael, Mark's younger brother, and he stared up at me with big sad brown eyes. 

"I know," I said trying to smile at him, sighing when I saw the sad look on the boys face. "It's my fault."

"Then you have to go and make him happy," said Daryl, Michael's twin brother. "If made him sad then you've gotta make him happy again."

I felt a little helpless with them staring at me like that and looked to Ara for help, she smiled and then turned to the boys. 

"Eat your food, boys, then you can watch TV, okay?" She told them. 

This seemed to distract them; their faces lit up the word 'TV' and they started shovelling food into their mouths. 

The rest of the evening I spent lying on my bed looking at the ceiling, wondering why I was so mad at Mark. 

Okay, he had ignored my attempt to converse yesterday morning, but maybe he really needed to call Lauren; His life didn't circulate around me. So, like the night before, I fell asleep thinking that I was still acting like a child but once again chose not to do anything about it. 

Saturday, April 16  
thirty-four weeks 

When I awoke, I knew it wasn't morning yet, i could tell by the fact the room was shrouded in darkness and when I looked outside the moon was still high in the sky. I reached out in the darkness to look for my phone, slapping my hand against the bedside table maybe four or five times, I found it and pressed the on button. 

I was a kinda surprised to see that it was only five o'clock because I didn't feel tired, even if I'd only fallen asleep two hours before. I turned on the lamp and lay back on my side. 

There was a nagging feeling of discomfort in the back of my head that basically told me to get a hold of myself and act my damn age. 

Still a little hesitant, I opened up the message box with 'Markimoo' on it and typed one word. 

To: Markimoo

Awake?

I hesitated another minute before thinking 'well, what's the worst that could happen?' and pressed the 'send' button. It only took a few seconds before my phone vibrated to tell me I'd got a message. 

From: Markimoo

Yes, you finished being mad at me?

To: Markimoo

I think so. Can I come talk to you?

I snorted inwardly at my choice of words. Can I come talk to you. It was a door about ten meters away from mine, not a run through the whole city.

From: Markimoo

Sure.

Well, at least he didn't seem angry.

I got up from the bed and walked along the dark corridor, finally stopping at Mark's bedroom.

"Come in," Mark said on the other side. 

Slowly, I opened the door and reached out my hand, just in case he hit me with a book or something. Fortunately, that didn't happen. 

"You woke up, huh?" Was all he said. 

He was sitting on his bed under the covers, his computer in front of him and his upper body uncovered. He really didn't like wearing shirts apparently. 

"How'd ya know I was sleeping?" I asked as I stepped in the room and closed the door.

He set the computer at his side and shrugged.

"I came to check on you, you were asleep."

"Oh ... you came to check on me," I said, rubbing my feet on the floor.

"Just to be sure you were okay, you've been really off and I know the past week has been pretty shit for you so I wanted to make sure you wouldn't do anything stupid that would hurt you or the baby."

"I didn't do anything stupid," I said sharply. "Except acting like a brat for the past two days."

He smiled faintly at that.

"So, are you gonna explain it to me?"

I rolled my eyes.

"Haven't ya figured it out already?"

"What?" He said slowly, his smile faltering.

"Of course," I said with mild irritation.

"Can you tell me what's going on then? Because,frankly, living with someone that's pissed off at me is a pain in the ass."

I frowned before walking over and sitting on the end of the bed. 

"Why're you acting as if nothing happened?" I blurted out. He threw me a confused look.

"What do you mean?"

"Tuesday night," I said. "We were talking and you said-"

"Oh, that," he said, and, to my great confusion, he let out a small laugh. "Is that why you're upset?"

"Well, I ..."

He chuckled again.

"I didn't mean to suggest anything," he said. "It was just a spur of the moment thing, y'know? You were upset so I tried to cheer you up, it felt like the right thing to say."

I looked at him.

I looked at him for so long.

Then my blank gaze became disbelieving. 

Then my disbelief became fury.

Then my furious gaze became a scream.

"Are you fucking serious?" I yelled, getting up on my feet again. "You're sitting here and you're continuing to make fun of my feelings after what I told you when we kissed? You're a fucking asshole, Mark!"

"I didn't mean to-"

"Of course you meant it!" I interrupted him, still screaming. My anger was growing more and more and I was fighting the urge to cry. "This time there is no fucking excuse because you specifically said that the idea of us being together wasn't totally impossible! And now you come to me to say that was just another lie, that isn't something you do to improve a situation! You've, once again, got my hopes up and you've, once again, stomped on them. How the fuck can you think that's okay? What would you say if the person you really wanted to be with did that to you?"

Finally, I couldn't hold it back and tears began flowing from my eyes, that made me angrier. 

"Do ya have any idea what that's like, Mark? To have yer heart stomped on again and again? It was bad enough when I knew I couldn't have you, and when you didn't know that I had a stupid crush on you, but now you've got my hopes up twice Mark, you knew this time and it sucks!"

"What's going on here?"

I winced at the tired voice sound behind me and turned around. Ara was standing there, wearing a robe, her eyes bouncing between Mark and me. 

"Nothing," I said, quickly wiping my cheeks. "No, I was just- I'm going back to bed, sorry I woke ya up, Ara."

And with that I left the room, walked down the hall and went back to my room, closing the door behind me. 

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," I hissed repeatedly when I hit the mattress. "You stupid, fucking, idiot-"

"Jack?"

I stopped my incoherent murmurs and looked toward the door, where I saw Ara. The irritation was gone from her face but she just looked worried now. 

"Can I come in?" She asked.

I nodded and sat up. She closed the door before walking towards me and sitting by my side, looking at me with the same concern that my own Ma used to look at me with. 'Used to' is the key phrase. She didn't care about me anymore. 

"Do you want to tell me what's going on? And don't try to tell me that nothing happened because Mark, for the first time in his life, told me to go to hell and slammed his door in my face."

"Sorry," I muttered. "We're having some problems."

"I figured," she said softly. "Can you explain it a little better?"

I hesitated. Should I tell her? She wouldn't judge me, I'd come to learn that but she was still Mark's mom, was it really smart for me to tell her? What if she didn't like what I told her, what if-

"Whatever you tell me, I'm not going to throw you out of the house."

Okay, so apparently she could read my mind. 

"You can't say that, ya don't know what happened," I said sadly.

She smiled wryly.

"You're almost eight months pregnant with my granddaughter and you're pretty in love with my son," she said. "Whatever you tell me, I promise I won't throw you out of the house."

My eyes widened slightly.

"How do you know-"

"Anyone could tell, you're very easy to read."

"Oh," I murmured as I felt my cheeks turn red.

"If it's any consolation, I think he feels the same way about you."

"Sure," I said with a humorless laugh. "That's why we were arguing, he doesn't feel the same."

"Can you elaborate?" she asked. I sighed. 

"He's been a jerk about it, twice now."

"I guess 'it' is about you having feelings for him."

"Yeah."

"Okay, go on."

"He is- okay, in short, he's made me believe that he's liked me twice now and each time it was a...it was a joke," I said solemnly. "The second time was Wednesday night, he told me he liked me and that if it weren't for Lauren then we'd have a chance but then he straight up told me it was a lie, hence the screaming."

She shook her head and sighed.

"Mark's usually so good but right now, he deserves a slap," she murmured. "He's done this twice now?"

"Yes."

"I can't blame you for being angry," she shrugged. "I'll talk to him in the morning."

"Oh, no, please don't-"

"No, I'll talk to him, he can't keep doing these things and expect no consequences," she said firmly before standing up. "You two are going to have a baby and you might keep her, you can't look after her if he's still acting like a child, then there's his girlfriend that needs to be taken into account, I'll speak to him tomorrow."

I wanted to protest, because, Jesus, it was embarrassing enough that his mom had this talk with me but I soon realised that she wasn't going to back down.

"Okay, thanks," I said.

She smiled and started to walk toward the door.

"I'm going to bed now, you should too."

"Yeah," I nodded. 

"Goodnight," she said, standing with her hand on the door handle. "Sleep well, you and the baby." She then left the room. 

*

I woke up with the sun shining through the window. I checked the time on my phone and groaned when I saw that it was already 12:30 pm and I had wasted almost half the day sleeping.

"Well, at least we're both well rested," I said, patting my stomach as I got up. 

I walked over to the window and looked out, noting that the weather was actually perfect; the sun was shining, the sky was a clear blue with barely any clouds and it looked like there was no wind, or at least nothing more than a light breeze. 

"Maybe we should go for a walk today," I said absently with a hand rested on my belly. "What do you think, baby?"

I received a kick and smiled. 

"I'm really excited about you coming out of there, you'll actually be able to communicate with me."

Kick. 

"Yeah, I know, you're probably comfortable and warm in there, you don't wanna come out just yet, right?"

Ten minutes later I had taken off my pyjama pants and sweater that I slept in and had replaced them with a pair of sweatpants and another huge sweater. I complained a little when I looked in the mirror, wondering why I still troubled myself with getting dressed; I was fat and ugly, no matter what I was wearing. 

With one last bitter look at my reflection, I headed out of the room to the kitchen to get something to eat. 

I was a few metres away from the door when I heard Mark's voice. I stopped. I know it's bad to listen in but Mark sounded annoyed and I was curious. 

"It isn't that simple, Mom," 

"Yes, Mark, it is that simple," Ara answered. "Go to him, sit down and talk about everything, I mean everything."

"Every time we try to talk about all this, we end up shouting at each other. It never ends well, ever. "

"Then you try again and, this time, put all your cards on the table," she said. "I have a feeling you haven't been telling the truth, Mark Fischbach."

"Yes I ha-"

"No, you haven't. I heard the way Jack yelled at you last night, he told me everything and I have a feeling you haven't been completely honest with him, it's time you were."

"But it's not-"

"Mark, dear, that poor boy is upset, he's pregnant and he's in love, you need to put your pride aside and start doing what's best for the people you love. You've gave him a slither of hope that something could happen twice now, judging from what he's told me, and both times you've mocked him and said it was a joke. Why would you do that? Isn't it better to tell the truth and put an end to all of this?"

Silence followed those words. It was quite clear that I shouldn't have heard any of this conversation but I couldn't move. 

"I'm not gay, mom," he said, but his voice was weak in contrast to his words.

"This isn't about being gay or not," she said with a sigh. "This is about being honest with Jack and yourself about how you really feel."

"But I told you I'm not-"

"The fact that you have feelings for him doesn't mean you're gay, it means you've found an amazing human being that you love a lot and you care about."

"I'm not even bi, Mom."

"Why do you worry so much about being labeled?"

"Because I'm in high school, everything and everyone is labeled"

"Well, it's time you stopped thinking like a high schooler and grew up, the world doesn't revolve around labels and it certainly doesn't revolve around your pride and stupidity, you're going to sit down with Jack and have a long conversation by the end of the day or I will be very, very angry, Mark Edward Fischbach."

"Mom!"

"Mom nothing" he said. "You're going to talk to him; about your feelings, his feelings, your future, this baby, what's going to happen if you don't keep her, do not argue with me

They were silent for a while but then I heard a chair scraping across the floor. My heart was still beating irregularly but my legs began to move and my expression changed to something more nonchalant, I walked into the kitchen. Mark was standing next to the table with his back to me, but Ara was sitting, and when she noticed me, she smiled.

"Good morning," she said, she sounded like normal, like she had t just been telling at Mark. 

Mark turned around and when his eyes met mine, they widened slightly.

"Oh ... hey," he said uneasily.

Before I had time to respond, or react in any way, he opened his mouth again.

"I - uh - I have to do something now, so ... see you later, I guess."

He clumsily stumbled past me and out the door, as soon as he was away, Ara began to speak. 

"You heard that, right?" She stated, quietly before taking a sip of coffee.  
It was not really a question, but I answered anyway. 

"Yeah."

"Are you still mad at him?"

I sat down across from her and sighed.

"I don't know," I said. "I feel like I should be, I know I should be, but ... I can't ever be angry at him for long and it's so annoying."

"Love tends to do that," she said.

I didn't bother to protest the fact that she referred to the way I felt about Mark as 'love.'

"I thought I had ta step up and be harsher," I mumbled.

"Just a little," she said with a wry smile. "You don't seem like the type of person to have big outbursts like last night."

"No, I'm not," I said. "Sometimes I wish I was, though, things would be easier, I wouldn't be a doormat."

"You're not a doormat, dear," she assured. "Definitely not, the way you yelled last night makes me really believe that."

I smiled. 

"I have my moments, they just don't last long."

"Well, since you've heard our little conversation, I can assume you're okay to talk today," she said after a short pause.

I smiled and nodded.

"Yes sure. Later I might go out for a walk, but other than that I'm not going anywhere, so ... I'll be here, I suppose."

"Are you ready for it?"

"No," I said sincerely. "But things won't get better until we talk and we need to talk about the baby, she's gonna be here soon."

"You're much more mature than Mark," she said dryly. "That's a good thing, I don't have to go chasing after both of you all the time."

*

A few hours later I decided to go on that walk. I had just slipped one shoe on when I heard footsteps approaching, I turned to see Mark leaning against the wall behind me. 

"Are you going out?" He asked.

"Just for a walk," I said, avoiding looking him in the eyes.

"Can I come?"

"I would prefer if you didn't, actually," I said.

"But we ... we really need to talk," he said, and I heard the uncertainty in his voice. "I mean I-I need to talk to you."

"I know, but I need to clear my head first, I'll be back soon, wait until then."

He stared at me for a moment, almost suspiciously.

"You're not running away, are you?"

"I'm eight months pregnant and wearing sweatpants. How far d'ya think I could go?"

"Not very far, I think," he said with a smile.

"Exactly," I said, as I pulled on the other shoe, I then turned to look at him. "I'll be back soon, okay?"

"Yeah, okay."

I nodded and offered him a smile, before I opened the door and left the house. Yeah, I'd be back soon but I knew that if I could, I'd run.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like this one because of Mark's mom, she's seriously amazing and I might love her a lot. 
> 
> Mark...being an ass again but really are you surprised? 
> 
> Well, anyway! Next chapter should be up sometime today (since I'm late celebrating) so, until then...bye!
> 
> Have a nice day/night!


	23. I meant it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack sees something he shouldn't have and they finally have that talk.

Saturday, April 16  
Thirty-four weeks

I wandered up and down the neighbourhood for over an hour, ignoring the pain in my ankles as I tried to calm the thoughts in my head. My anger from the night before had already disappeared, which made me angry at myself for not being angry!

I was also confused about the conversation between Mark and Ara that I'd heard that morning, because the words that had come out of their mouths made me almost believe that ... well, that maybe Mark ... liked me, that was scary. If that were the case then .. okay, in short, it would be fantastic. It wasn't scary that he like me but, knowing Mark, there was a high possibility that he would never admit it. 

There was also the possibility that the whole thing was just a joke, and that the conversation I'd overheard that morning was just a misunderstanding of my twisted imagination. 

Not that any other theory made much sense, but then this one didn't either. 

With this all festering inside my head, I began to walk back to the house. It took me a couple of minutes before I got there and when I did, I had my hand on the door handle for at least five minutes, I tried to think happy thoughts; Ireland, seeing Juliet score the winning goal for her soccer team, Ma and dad taking me and Juliet to the park every Sunday... Eventually I rolled my eyes, chased off those memories and decided to man-up and open the door. 

It was a little ridiculous, how nervous I was about this talk, I'd known Mark for almost a year now so it shouldn't really bother me but this one would be long, it wouldn't be over in five minutes, it'd be embarrassing. 'Embarrassing' is the key word. 'Long' was another.

On top of just sorting out our feelings; we'd now have to decide what to do with the baby. Did we have to make our final decision now? If we did, I had a strong feeling that this whole conversation wouldn't end well, especially not if Mark was adamant he'd keep the baby because...I was more inclined to give her up. 

The thought made a lump rise in my throat but I swallowed it and set out to look for Mark. 

He wasn't in the kitchen, where I found Ara, Michael and Daryl, who were sitting on the table with an assortment of sheets and crayons scattered all around them, and he wasn't in the living room where I found his dad watching TV so I decided to check his room.

I knocked three times when I reached his door and then I waited. And I waited. And I waited. When twenty seconds passed and I heard nothing, I knocked again. 

Nothing this time either. I frowned, confused. He hadn't gone out, right? He said he wanted us to talk and I'd told him I'd be back before it got too late. I tried to knock again, but I still didn't receive a response. 

Maybe he was asleep? Maybe that's why he hadn't responded. I slowly opened the door and peeked inside. 

It took exactly 2.5 seconds before I regretted the decision. 

Not that what I saw in front of me was something I hadn't thought about, but it was extremely uncomfortable. He was sitting in a chair at his desk, his laptop was on, his eyes were closed and he had headphones on. The uncomfortable part was that his pants were unbuttoned and that his hand was wrapped around his cock. The even more uncomfortable part was that he was watching porn - gay porn. 

Suddenly, and before I had time to react, Mark turned his head to the side and - to my great horror - he opened his eyes. I froze, my heart jumped and a foul taste of bile invaded my mouth. For what seemed like an eternity, we stared at each other, me feeling mortified and him looking, well, the exact same. 

"Shit, sorry," I squeaked before closing the door and surprisingly running -running!- to 'my' room. 

As soon as I closed the door behind me, I lay down on the bed on my side, curled up like a scared animal. I was embarrassed, mortified even, I'd walked in on Mark jacking-off and he'd fucking saw me! And I was so damn confused, he'd been watching gay fucking porn! 

A feeling of rejection spread throughout my body and I suddenly felt like I weighed ten time more than I actually did. Maybe I should take it as a hint. Maybe he was attracted to boys, in one way or the other, but not me. 

Miserably I tore a thread hanging from the sheets and sighed. Maybe me living here wasn't such a good idea. 

Before I had time to sink deeper into my thoughts, the sound of the door opening reached my ears and I groaned inwardly. I didn't need to turn around to know who it was. The door closed and I heard them slowly approach me. 

"Jack? Are you okay?"

I thought about pretending to be asleep, but that wouldn't help any of this. I had to man up and face him. 

"Yeah," I muttered.

"I-I'm sorry you saw that," he said, sounding nervous.

"My fault," I said flatly.

"Yeah, well, I could've locked the door."

"And I could've not looked in your room."

I heard him chuckle a little, but it seemed forced.

"I suppose it's down to both of us again."

I didn't reply to that, and the room became silent. I had no idea what to say, but one of us had to say something to get rid of this stupid awkward tension. 

"Did you see the...thing?" He finally said, now sounding even more nervous than before.

"See what?" I asked.

"I- my- well, the ... Laptop."

I closed my eyes for a second, praying that something or someone would make me magically disappear from this place, before sighing and responding with:

"Did I see ya masturbating to gay porn? Yeah."

"I was- I mean, I don't-"

"Save it," I interrupted, but I wasn't angry, not this time. I felt alone ... dejected and tired, very tired of this constant state of confusion and perplexity that I was in. "I don't need an explanation. After all, I just found out the guy, that for the last few months told me he was completely straight, was jacking it off ta two guys fucking after telling me he liked me and then telling me it was just a joke but, y'know. " I lay there for a second and took a deep breath. "It's just- ... It's okay if you don't want to, you know, tell me anything, okay, but just ... stop confusing me, okay?"

"I want to give you an explanation," he said, his voice gentle. "Or at least, I want to try. I can't guarantee you I'll do a good job."

A little hesitant, I turned around to to look at him. 

"Don't do anything ya don't wanna do."

"No, I-I have to," he said with an expression that told me he was trying to convince himself more than me. "I really have to, get comfortable, I don't want you laying like that, this is gonna take a while" he added as he took a step forward.

I pulled myself up to the head of the bed and turned on my back, it wasn't a very comfortable position because it made me feel as if my belly was a real mountain and, well, I didn't like that.

Despite that, I remained in that position and looked to see Mark laying down beside me. I put myself in a position that I'd be able to look at him without feeling like a mountain. At least one thing had gone well.

"Okay, so ... explanation," he said, looking at me with eyes full of anxiety.

"Yes, an explanation."

He dropped his arms to the side before turning, his head to look at me. 

He closed his eyes and pinched the tip of the nose for a second, before once again directing his gaze at me.

"I don't even know where to begin," he said, biting the inside of his cheek.

"The beginning is always a good place to start."

"That's right, the beginning," he mused.

"Okay, the beginning. The party."

"Okay, so really from the beginning."

"Yeah."

"The party. Right. Okay. "

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes for another second and then began to speak.

"I've been dishonest with you about a lot of stuff, but one thing I was completely honest about is that I don't really remember anything, I know we fucked though, b-because you weren't my first guy." 

My eyebrows shot up and my jaw dropped.

"You- wait- What the-?" I mumbled.

"You-you're the third guy I've had sex with," he said, appearing more and more anxious by the minute.

"B-but then- if-then why did you- why didn't ya-" I stopped, trying to calm myself. "Excuse me, but how can you ... if you fucked two guys before me, how can you still make tell me that you're straight? Was it for yourself or what?"

"I'll explain," he said. "I went to a few parties in LA, so far away that nobody even knew my name, with Cry, Felix and Ken during the summer. I met this guy, and now I don't even remember his name, but I was drunk and I was freaked out and we fucked in the bathroom. It happened the same way with the second guy and I felt weird both times, not during the act, but later, because I'm not gay, I've never been attracted to boys, and then I was with two other guys in the space of a month when there was plenty of girls around and I know I could've gotten a few of them pretty easily and I was, at the time, seeing Lauren so it was fucking mess."

I nodded, not wanting to stop him.

"This happened around the end of July and I spent a week just trying to forget everything and it worked and I started to really like Lauren so I was able to convince myself that it was just a mistake. I forgot about the party, and you, and I went back to life as normal, you came back and told me about the baby and the party and everything just kinda went to shit again."

"Sorry," I apologised, not knowing what else to say.

"I'm not blaming you, idiot," he said with a faint smile. "But it made me really confused and when the baby started to become such a big part of my life, Lauren and I were in a serious relationship, so I pushed it aside for a while. I didn't like you like that in the beginning, it was easy to push it aside."

He broke eye contact with me and I felt slight disappointment.

"Oh, okay," I was all I could say.

"But," he continued. "Then there was the incident in your room and ... Things got weird again."

"Yes, the whole thing where you almost killed yer daughter and all that," I muttered.

The corners of his mouth drooped down after that.

"Yeah." There was a pause before he continued. "W- Well long story short: To think that I'd hurt her, or killed her, and consequently lost you made me think about the possibility that I had feelings for you."

"Do you?" I asked hesitantly, looking at him wide-eyes. 

He nodded.

"Yeah. I thought it'd go away with time, that I'd get over it but-"

"Mark, please," I interrupted, my voice cracked slightly at the end. "I don't need to hear the whole story, just- just please ... tell me if you were telling the truth Wednesday night, when you told me that I wouldn't be your last choice if ya we're single. This is all that I need to know. "

He was taken aback and it took a moment for him to even look at me. 

"I meant it."

He said it. Finally. Despite the current chaos, I wanted to weep with joy but to stop myself from doing that, I offered him a smile. 

"You're not gonna tell me it was just a joke again, are ya?" I asked, slightly embarrassed at how shaky my voice was.

"No," he said firmly. "No, I've had enough of that shit...you don't deserve that, I'm not gonna do that."

"Okay," I said, still smiling like an idiot; I felt like I'd never stop. "So, what does that mean?"

"It means what I said," he replied. "That if I was single, then I think something would've happened between us."

Right. If he was single. Which he wasn't. My happiness faded a little. 

"Good to know, I suppose," I said.

"Good to know?" He said, raising his eyebrows. "That's all you have to say?"

"Well, I- like you said, something could've happened if you were single but yer not so I don't really have much else ta say."

"You aren't gonna ask if I'd break up with Lauren to be with you?"

"No, why? Would you do it? "I spoke without thinking. 

"No, but I thought you would ask me," he said with a simple shrug.

My momentary embarrassment was put aside and immediately replaced by exasperation and I frowned bitterly.

"Why do ya mention stuff like that when ya know I'm gonna be hurt in the end?"

"Sorry," he said with an apologetic smile.

"Yeah."

The room became silent, but only lasted for a few moments, before Mark began to talk again.

"But ... just know that I like you, okay?" He said, looking at me with eyes full of affection. "I won't break up with Lauren, but I like you a lot. You're ... you're beautiful, strong, sweet, smart, amazing and ... That kiss that day, it was amazing too, it was a good kiss."

Hearing him say that made me want to pull out my hair with frustration. After thinking for so long that Mark could never feel the same way, he turned around and told me he did and that we couldn't be anything more than friends because he didn't want to break up the relationship he was already in. It was frustrating to say the least.

"Yeah, it was," I said, smiling weakly.

He reached out his hand and placed it on my own, which was resting on my stomach, and laced our fingers together. I closed my eyes and let myself enjoy this with full knowledge that this gesture could've meant something else if it weren't for Lauren. 

"Maybe we should change the subject?" He asked after a while and I opened my eyes again. 

"Sure," I said. 

"Um, okay, new and even more difficult topic: the adoption decision," he said with superficial enthusiasm. 

"Right," I muttered, looking nervously.

"Have you thought about it?"

I laughed at that.

"She'll be here in just over a month, Mark, yeah, I've thought about it."

"And?" He said, his eyes full of hope. 

It felt like shit to be the one to dim that look in his eyes but I really had no choice. 

"I-I can't," I said, my voice no more than a whisper. "We can't keep her"

It was even more horrible than I expected, seeing that shimmer dying right in front of my eyes. His lips trembled a little, his eyebrows crumpled and his grip on my hand tightened. 

"You don't want to keep her," he mumbled after a long pause.

I shook my head and looked at him pleadingly, silently asking him not to be angry with me.

"Please don't hate me," I said.

"I don't hate you," she said with a small smile. "But ... Could I change your mind?"

I shook my head. 

"No," I said. "I-I hate this, really, but I don't wanna fuck up my life, it'd make yours miserable. I wanna do something while I'm still young, I want you ta do the same, I don't wanna be the one that ruined yer life because we got drunk and fucked."

"It wouldn't be ruined," he said, the way in which his voice came out was almost pleading. "I would do anything, I'd give up everything for my daughter and the guy that I care about, Jack, I'd give it all up."

I had to stop for a couple of seconds to hold back tears, before answering.

"Have you thought about this for real?" I asked hoarsely. "Have ya thought about what this means fer you and Lauren? Yer relationship? Your future?"

"Of course I ha-"

"I don't believe that," I interrupted. "Our lives would be upside down for years, you'd have ta take full responsibility of this baby for the rest of your life."

"I thought about it a million times," he said, that shimmer reappearing in his eyes. 

"I-I can't," I said after. "We'll give her up fer adoption and she'll live a happy life and so will you."

I heard him take a deep, sharp breath. 

"Okay," he said then, his voice breaking a little. 

I looked up again and met his gaze.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. 

"It's okay," he said, squeezing my hand. "At least we'll get to see her, right?"

The thought of that made me want to groan with despair but I smiled and nodded. 

"Yeah."

I offered him a small smile, but said nothing, and so we plunged into a peaceful silence.

Seeing how distraught mark was at the thought of not seeing his daughter grow up was heartbreaking but I knew I was doing the right thing. I knew it. It was the right decision, and I knew it. I was 100% sure. No doubt.

"Jack?" Mark said finally.

"Yeah?"

"C-could we...y'know, pretend?" He asked nervously. "Just for a while?"

"Pretend what?" I said, looking at him doubtfully.

"That we're gonna keep her."

"W-why would we do that?" I asked, looking at him with wide eyes.

"I don't know, I just want to," he said with a faint smile.

"But I-"

"Please, Jack, let me think we're keeping her for just a few minutes," he said gently. 

I didn't understand how that would help but I couldn't say no. After having denied him the opportunity to get to know his daughter, I couldn't deny him this. 

"Okay," I said. "Okay, if you want to pretend, we can pretend."

He smiled, fully this time, and moved his body a little closer to mine. 

"Can we talk about names?" He asked.

"What?"

"Names. For the baby. Got any ideas?"

I wanted to say that thinking about names for the baby would never improve the situation but I saw his eyes shimmer and his smile and I just had to comply. 

"Not really," I said. "You?"

"I don't know," he said. "I think I said it before, but two names would be cool."

"Then it makes things even more difficult."

"What do you mean?"

"Instead of thinking of one, it's two and they need to fit together."

"I know," he said. "I still want two names, I have two, you have two, it'd be nice for her to have the same, right? "

"Two names it is."

"Yeah?"

"Hmm."

"Great," he said with a huge smile.

He paused for a second.

"What about Rose?"

"Rose," I repeated. "Why that name?"

"That was my grandma's name," he said. "She passed away two years ago, and I think I just wanna honour her in some way, she was an amazing woman and she deserves more than a plaque that my aunt made and some flowers."

"Oh," I said with a smile. "Rose, I like it, but maybe as a middle name?"

"Sure," he chuckled. "Okay, Rose is the middle name, now what about the first?"

"I don't know, what would work with Rose? "

"I don't know, girl names are hard, If it was a boy we could just call him Mark."

"Good thing it's a girl then."

"Mark is a great name!"

"Look, off that subject 'cause she's a girl and we've gotta think of actual girl names."

"Jackie!"

"Oh come on," I groaned. "Stop it!"

"Okay."

"Do you have any other bright ideas? You wanna name her after my sister or your mom?"

"Hey, hey, take it easy," he laughed. "What about Arya?"

"Arya Rose."

I savored the combination for a couple of seconds before I shook my head. 

"Sounds good, but 'Arya' makes me think of Arya Stark from Game Of Thrones."

"I like Arya."

"That's not the point. Every time I looked at her, I'd imagine Arya Stark."

He sighed.

"Okay, we'll think of something else."

I'd never spent so much time thinking about girls names until now. 

"What do you think of Janice?"

"Janice?"

"Yes."

"Janice Rose? Do you want her head to get shoved in a toilet? "

He rolled his eyes "I understand, you don't like it."

"One grandma name is enough,"

"Mm, yes, I suppose," he muttered. "Well, another name." He paused. "It's so hard," he said, frowning. "I didn't think it'd be this hard to choose a name."

"It wouldn't be if you let me choose," I said with a sarcastic smile. "You should've stopped at Jackie."

"It would've been cute!" He exclaimed, I smiled at him and shook my head.

"How about Gracie?"

"The name?"

I rolled my eyes.

"No, my music teacher, yes, the name."

"Gracie Rose," he repeated. "I like it."

"Yeah?"

"It's cute, really pretty." He smiled. 

"Yeah, I think so too. So, Gracie Rosie?" 

"Yeah, Gracie Rose."

"Fantastic." He nodded "Mm. What about her surname?"

"Actually I haven't thought about it," I said. "How does it work with children who have parents with different last names?"

"They usually have both names or just the dads."

"I suppose in this case, you're the dad." I said, raising an eyebrow. 

"Well, in the traditional way, yeah," he said. "I mean, you're the pregnant one."

"I think so. So...she'd have your surname?"

"Nah," he said with a slight shrug. "I think she should have yours too. Two surnames never hurt anyone."

"I suppose not," I said, smiling weakly.

"So, Gracie Rose McLoughlin-Fischbach?" He said. "Kind of a mouth-full."

I laid my eyes on my stomach, mine and Mark's hands were still clasped together.

"What do you think of your name, baby?" I asked her. "Do ya like it?"

I received no response but I smiled anyway. 

"We've been talking for a while, right?" Mark said softly. "It doesn't seem right to bother her. Maybe she's asleep."

"Do babies sleep in the womb?."

"Of course they do," Mark chuckled. "Do you think that they stay awake all the time?" 

"I dunno," I said helplessly. "How should I know?"

"By reading that book I bought you," he said with a raised eyebrow and an amused smile. 

"I read it, but it didn't say anything about sleeping," I said defensively. "What do ya suddenly know everything?"

"Yes, I do," he said. "Unborn babies sleep between fifteen and eighteen hours a day, like an actual baby."

"From fifteen to eighteen hours a day? That's impossible, she kicks all the time."

"Maybe she's just really energetic and doesn't sleep that much."

He chuckled, but said nothing. After a few seconds, he turned pale and immediately after the grin was replaced by an anxious expression. 

"Um, look, about what you saw," he began. "It was just-"

"I don't need an explanation' ya said ya have feelings for me so that means your kinda attracted to guys, gay porn makes sense."

"Yeah, but I-"

"Mark, please, I saw ya jacking-off, it's nothin''"

It could be the end of my sanity, however.

He looked at me with furrowed brows and pursed lips, seemingly trying to understand and find something to say. 

"Okay, if you're sure," was all he said.

"Yeah, I'm sure," I said firmly.

"Mm, okay,"

Then, an obvious grin appeared on his face again.

"Did you like it?"

I didn't need to ask what he was referring to; My face immediately turned red and I tried to hide my face in the pillow.

"Mark come on," 

"I take that as a yes then," he said, his grin grew disproportionately.

"Stop doing that," I muttered.

He smiled as he lifted his hand, and placed it on my cheek.

"Are you tired?" He asked.

"Not really."

"Well, I'm sure you're gonna be," she said, batting her eyelids wearily. "Do you wanna cuddle and sleep?"

"You wanna cuddle?" I asked hesitantly.

His smile faltered and the hand that was resting on my cheek, fell.

"You don't want to?"

"No, no, of course I do," I said quickly, not wanting to end up fighting again. "I just figured, you know, with you having feelings for me and yer girlfriend, I figured-"

"We can still cuddle, you idiot," he chuckled, his hand moving back to my cheek. "And she won't come in here, you don't have to worry about getting your ass kicked."

I raised my eyebrows.

"You think yer girlfriend can kick my ass?"

"She's a fighting champion and you're pregnant,"

"Well, then maybe you'd get yer ass kicked," I said.

"I could. She's already punched once. It hurts like hell. "

"Aw, did she scare ya?"

"Yes, she did."

I laughed.

"It seems like you recovered well."

"I suppose so," he nodded. "So, what about cuddling and going for a nap?"

I just shrugged. 

His face lit up instantly.

"Then come here," he said, reaching out his arms, still on his back. "I'm a really good pillow."

"Mark, have ya seen the size of my stomach lately?" I asked, raising my eyebrows at him. "The only way this is gonna work is if we spoon."

"Bullshit," he said, slapping my arm lightly. "Come on, lie down."

Still a little doubtful that this would even work, I dragged myself towards him and rested my head on his chest, my stomach pressed into his side uncomfortably, I heard him let out a slightly annoyed groan. 

"See?" I said with a frown "It's in the middle."

I heard him chuckle and I wanted to slap him for laughing at me but then I felt him move so that his body was laid diagonally across the bed. 

"I'm a fucking genius," he crooned. "Now there's space for you, for me and for your enormously large belly"

"Hey!"

"Well, you said it yourself."

"It's different hearing other people say it."

"Okay, sorry. Now there's room for you, for me and our little girl."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

I smiled a little and rubbed my face against his chest, breathing in his scent. 

"You were right," I mumbled. "You really are a great pillow."

I opted not to mention the fact that he smelled fantastic. 

"Mm, I know," he mumbled. 

A brief moment of silence enveloped us.

"Hey, we just had a long and serious conversation and nobody yelled!" He cheered. 

"What an achievement," I chuckled. I felt one of his hands rubbing my back and I sighed, this was nice. 

"I think it is," he said. "We should make a cake or something to celebrate."

"Oh my god, cake sounds amazing," I said with a smile, starting to feel fatigue invade my body. "I'm tired now, can we sleep?"

"Sure," he said and I felt his lips press against my head. 

I sighed happily and snuggled in against his chest again and closed my eyes. 

"I'd love to do that again, just, somewhere else." He mumbled. 

I froze, realising what he meant. 

"Yeah, well you have a girlfriend,"

I heard him sigh before uttering "yeah, I do."

I didn't answer and he didn't speak again and I fell asleep feeling much happier than I had been in the past year but there was still this empty feeling in my chest, it was really strange. 

Or maybe it wasn't that strange.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, we have a decision about the baby's future, we have some and a name for little no-so-nameless! And some confessions have been made! An eventful chapter to say the least!
> 
> Have a good day/night!


	24. Jack, listen to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Momiplier returns and she has some advice! Jack talks and Lauren is...Lauren...

After that big talk the Mark and I had, I expected things to change drastically but it stayed almost exactly the same as before. 

Occasionally, we'd glance at each other a little longer than necessary or we'd smile and there was always a feeling that things were being left unspoken, but other than that, everything was the same as always. I was wondering if Mark had told Ara what happened between us, but by the smile she gave us and her all around mood, I could tell she definitely knew. Not that it bothered me, but it was weird to think that an adult knew about these private details of my life. 

We both went to the check-up, and nothing happened out of the ordinary - except that I was one hundred and seventy-nine pounds and that I burst into tears before Dr. Hayes could even try to reassure me that the weight, or most of it, would disappear when Gracie was born. We hadn't talked about delivery methods or anything like that but Dr Hayes booked us in for another appointment and we decided to discuss it then. 

Mark and I spent a few nights in his bed, cuddling and watching movies. It was nice to spend time with him with no fussing and no drama for once, but I couldn't deny that spending hours at a time glued to him was doing something. I was becoming frustrated. 

Frustrated and desperate to ... whatever. Considering the fact that the vibrator that Mark had bought me that one time was buried in my old bedrooms drawer, I had to make do with my hand and it was a repeated process, every night as soon as I closed the door. 

Tuesday, April 21  
Thirty-five weeks

Tuesday was horrible. That was the conclusion I came to as soon as I stepped foot in the house. I had started the day exhausted and so I continued to be throughout the day and Mark said he couldn't take me home because Lauren was adamant about spending more time with him which wasn't helping my mood so I had to take the bus and that really made my situation almost unbearable. 

So Tuesday was horrible, but still, so were all the other days except Saturdays and Sundays. 

At more than thirty-five weeks pregnant I was ... well, I was big. I was already big a few weeks ago but now I was giant. I felt larger than I actually was, which was kind of relieving, but when I tried to look at my reflection in the mirror, it became painfully obvious how big I was, I was definitely far from the man I'd been eight months before. 

I let out a snort, pulled off my shoes and made my way into the house to find Ara and say hello, I wandered into the kitchen, more out of habit than anything else, and immediately wished I could rewind back three minutes. 

Mark was sitting at the table and, sitting on his legs with her lips stuck to his cheek, was Lauren. I wasn't sure what to do because, as far as I knew, Lauren didn't know that I was living there and, well, seeing me standing in the kitchen would've been kinda suspicious. 

"Dinner's gonna be ready in about an hour," I heard Ara say before I could say or do anything. They both turned to me and, to my surprise, Lauren didn't look the slightest bit confused. All she did was give me a sour look before turning back to Mark and all he did was smile like there was nothing weird going on. 

"Um, yeah, great," I said casually, in response to Ara. 

"How come you came home so late?" She asked. "Why didn't you come with Mark?"

"Good question," I said, scowling at Mark. All he did was avert his attention from Lauren to give me an apologetic smiled. 

"Well, you look a little tired, sweetheart," Ara asked, it seemed like she hadn't noticed my irritation. "Why don't you go for a nap before dinner?"

"Oh, um, sure, if you don't need any help," I said, ignoring the voice in my head that was telling me to go straight to bed and stay there forever. Or at least for the next few hours.

"Go and rest," she said with a small smile. "I'm scared you'll fall over if you stay on your feet much longer."

"So in addition to being fat, he's not even able to stand?" I hear Lauren snicker, barely loud enough for anyone to hear. Probably making sure Ara didn't hear her. 

"Okay, thanks," I said with a forced smile and turned quickly to head to the room. 

Once I was in the privacy of my room, I lay in the bed and let out a snort. 

Mark didn't say that him and Lauren were coming here. The last time I checked, 'going out' didn't mean back to the house. And if he was still coming home, couldn't he have just brought me here? Okay, it was probably because of Lauren, but I was still kinda sour. Apart from being a little mad at Mark, I was terrified. If Lauren was here, it probably meant that I'd have to have dinner with her and that left more opportunities for her to send scornful glances my way or mutter comments about my weight. 

Despite this, I fell asleep pretty easily. 

*

I was woken up by Daryl about an hour later and, still a little sleepy, I followed him into the kitchen where, as expected, I found Lauren sitting next to Mark, neither of them looked at me and I was so grateful for that.

It was the same for most of dinner, if you didn't count the glares from Lauren and Mark's apologetic smiles and glances. Thankfully everyone was talking at the table and Michael and Daryl were telling Ara about 'this really cool bug' that they found.

I got up from my chair as soon as I finished eating but I managed to bump the table with my stomach, earning another mocking glance from Lauren. I muttered a quick "sorry" placed my plate in the dishwasher and left before I could do anything else to embarrass myself. 

When I was back in my room, I noticed that my phone, which I had left on the bedside table, was flashing and signaling a new message or a missed call. Once I picked up, I noticed that it was both and a voice message.

The missed calls were, to my surprise, Juliet and Dodger, Juliet was the message and Dodger was the voice message. I hadn't heard from Juliet since I was kicked out which was kinda weird since she'd have noticed I was gone. Maybe she'd talked with Ma and Ian and decided I was an abnormal monster after all and she didn't want to have any contact with me. The thought made me feel really sad, it meant that I had no family around here since the others were all so far away. 

At least I had Dodger. 

I opened the voice message and lifted the phone to my ear.

"Sean, where are you? Juliet said you haven't been home and she's really worried! Are you okay?" She paused. "Jack, please phone me soon okay? I'm really worried."

I decided to leave that for now, a phone call with Dodger would take a very long time and I didn't know if I was ready for that. 

I decided to open the message from Juliet. 

From: Jules 

Where are you? Are you OK?

The fact she'd tried to contact me must've meant she didn't hate me. Instead of texting her back, I decided to call her; the phone barely rang before she picked up. Juliet would be more to the point, she'd be really worried too while Dodger ahead actually talked to me this week. I needed to speak to Juliet. 

"Jack?" She said immediately, she sounded panicked.

"Yeah, that's me," I said.

"Where are you? Why haven't you been home? Are you okay? God, Jack, please tell me you're okay!"

"Calm down Jules," I soothed. "Ma and Ian didn't say anything to ya?"

"No, they just told me I wasn't allowed to contact you, they took my phone and deleted you from my contacts, and all the texts and calls were deleted so I didn't have your number, I had to get Dodger to give me your number, by the way expect a very upset call from her."

Okay, so there was a reason she hadn't contacted me. 

"Why am I not surprised," I muttered. "They kicked me out."

"What?"

"Apparently being gay reflects badly on our family," I said with a humorless laugh. "So they kicked me out."

"Ma was okay with that?"

"Yes."

"That fucking bitch!" Juliet yelled. "Wait a second, I'm gonna-"

"No, you won't," I interrupted. "It's okay, ya won't do anything 'cause it's okay, Ma was never that close ta me anyway."

"She's your mother you idiot! She should protect ya from everything, especially her dumbass boyfriend, he better run 'cause I'm coming for his ass!"

"Yeah, well, it seems that someone forgot to tell her."

There was a moment of silence. 

"So, do you think you'll come home?" She asked quietly. 

"Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to, they kicked me out so I won't be coming home, I don't think I would if it were an option ta be honest."

"Where are ya gonna be then?"

"At Mark's place."

"The guy that ...?"

I rolled my eyes. 

"The guy that got me pregnant? Yeah."

"Oh. So, are you okay? And the baby, is she okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine," I assured, I could hear she obviously worried. 

"Great, yeah. Good."

"How are things at home? Are you okay?"

"It's the same as always," Juliet sighed. "Ma's an idiot, Ian's a dick, trivial nonsense so I guess it's okay, I really miss yer stupid face." She paused for a second. "When's the baby coming?"

"About five weeks," I said with shrug. 

"I'm guessing that you won't be giving birth the traditional way, right?"

"I don't think I can give birth from my asshole and, honestly, it doesn't sound all that appealing so I won't be doing that." I smiled and rolled my eyes. 

"So, a c-section?"

"I guess so. Me and Mark are gonna talk to Dr Hayes on Monday."

"Hm, okay. Let me know how it goes, okay? "

"Yeah, sure," I said, deciding not to ask her why she wanted to know.

"I have ta go, okay? My soccer team are having this party and stuff but I'll call ya when I'm home, I'm gonna call Hadley, David and James as soon as I can," she told me. "Don't call me first, it'd be kinda unfortunate for us if Ma or Ian found out I had this number."

"Maybe a little, but ya don't have to phone 'em, they don't have'ta know."

"Of course they do, Jack," Juliet sighed. "They're your siblings, believe me they'll be here to give Ma and Ian hell!"

"Yeah, well, they're serious troublemakers, make sure they don't get themselves hurt, okay?"

"I'm sure they won't, Ian might not live through the day when they get here though." She chuckled. 

 

We spent another minute talking before Juliet said "I love you, okay baby brother? I'll see ya later." And hung up. 

When she hung up, I still had a million things going through my head but, honestly, I couldn't be bothered with it and decided to try going back to sleep, only a few seconds later there was a knock at the door and I sighed internally, expecting it to be Mark trying to explain himself. 

To my surprise, it wasn't Mark that appeared at the doorway, it was Ara. 

"Can I come in?" She asked.

I sat up on the bed. 

"Yeah, sure."

She entered the room and closed the door behind her before walking to the chair at the desk and sitting on it. 

"So," she began, giving me a concerned glance. "Is everything okay?"

I smiled wryly, knowing very well that she had picked up on my discomfort during dinner.

"Lauren and I don't really like each other," I said.

"I don't think Lauren likes anyone except from Mark," she muttered dryly. "But other than that, are you okay?" 

"Same as always, I suppose," I said. "Tired, sore but it's not too bad."

"I understand," she said with a weak smile. "While we're on the subject, have you considered doing self-study? Just until the baby's born."

I fell silent for a moment, feeling a little confused.

"Self-study?" I asked. "Why?"

"It'll make sure you're not taking unnecessary risks and someone's always with you."

"I'm just going to school," I raised my eyebrow. "I'm not running into a burning building." 

"You're going into your last month of pregnancy, dear," he said. "That means everything can be a risk, going to school isn't necessary if we can get some work home for you to study, I'd prefer you were home and not putting all that stress on yourself."

"But I can't just lea-"

"You're not leaving," she interrupted gently. "You'll go back as soon as she's born, I can call the school and arrange everything."

"No, it's okay, I would still feel like I'm just abandoning school an' I don't really wanna just sit here and wait fer a month, it'd be boring."

"Jack, listen to me," she said with a small smile. "I don't know anything about your body but I do know you could go into labor at any given moment, do you really want that to happen when you're sitting in a class of twenty other people that don't have the slightest idea about what to do? Stay at home where there's people that know what's happening and can take you to hospital as soon as possible, it'll be much safer for you and the baby, I'm not going to force you to stop going but I honestly think that it'd be much safer."

I really wanted to protest because, despite feeling ridiculously tired and sore in recent weeks, my plan was never to leave school. With all the weird things that had happened to me recently, going to school was the only normal thing I had left. But I understood what Ara was saying; yes, it would be boring to stay here all the time for the next month and yes, it'd be weird but it was much safer for the baby and much safer for me and well, I really didn't like the idea of going into labor in the middle of school. 

"Okay," I said with a sigh. "Okay, Ara, I'll stay at home until she's born."

She smiled and I swear I saw her shoulders sag with relief. 

"Well," she said. "I'll call the school for you and tell them what's going on, okay?"

"What? They ca- "

"I'm going to tell them you have a very contagious virus, not that you're pregnant."

"Oh. Okay thanks."

"No problem," she said as she stood up. "Is everything okay between you and Mark?" She asked. 

"Yeah, we're fine," I said with a smile. 

"You talked about everything, right?"

"Yeah, he knows everything."

"Well, that's good," she nodded. "And, I'm so sorry, but have you talked to your mom or her boyfriend?"

I looked down.

"No, they kicked me out so I don't wanna call 'em, if they wanna talk they'll call me."

"It's gotta be hard, it's really horrible."

I raised my eyes to look at her again and shrugged.

"Not exactly. I've never been really close to my Ma and I didn't even like Ian, my sister phoned me just before ya came in, so, I'm okay."

"Oh, you have a sister?" She asked. 

"Yeah, I have two of them, two brothers too," I said, smiling weakly. "Juliet, Hadley, David and James, we get along most of the time, I guess." 

"Hm, so are you the youngest?" she questioned. 

"Yeah."

"Mark always had Thomas growing up but he always wanted a little brother, you know?" She smiled. "He waited until he was thirteen for two of them."

"It's good he had Thomas, it's great living with someone close ta her own age 'cause they kinda understand what yer going through most of the time, y'know?" I pondered. "I mean, you fight loads but I guess that's how siblings are."

"Definitely, the amount of times I had to pull Mark and Thomas away from each other is shocking." She laughed a little. "Well, I'll leave you alone for now, you can go back to doing whatever you we're doing before I got here."

"Actually I wasn't doing anything," I said with a shrug. "I think I'm just gonna nap though, I'm exhausted."

"Then go to sleep," she said firmly. "I'll call the school in the morning, okay?"

"Yeah, okay."

"Good. Now go to sleep."

Fifteen minutes later, that's what I did. I was lying on my back, with my mouth half open - something I would regret once I woke up a few hours later- on my side. 

I never dreamed a lot while I was sleeping, but for some reason I dreamed that day. 

There was nothing that made any sense, really, only a mixture of colors and sounds and more, but it left me with a strange feeling of despondency, as if something bad was going to happen. When I woke up, I realised why I felt like that. 

The same pain I had experienced in the beginning struck me with all its strength.

The last time this had happened to me I was scared and it was painful, but it was nothing compared to what I felt now; horrible thoughts about my baby being dead and them having to cut me open and remove her swirled around in my head and I let out desperate sobs. I would have to call someone to help me, but I couldn't even form a coherent sentence and I choked on my words as another contraction spread across my body. 

It ended as quickly as it began. I lay there, panting, staring at the ceiling with my cheeks stained with tears and my arms wrapped protectively around my stomach. I stayed there for about ten minutes before I had the power - and the courage - to sit up and wipe the tears away. I moved so that my legs dangled off the bed and stared down at my belly, rubbing it. 

"Are you all right in there, Gracie?" I asked, my voice hoarse. "You're not hurt, right?"

To my relief, she kicked. 

"I should ask the doctor about this, right?" I said. "I don't want anything ta happen to ya."

She answered with more kicks and I couldn't help but smile. 

"I know, I know, I love you too," I whispered, stroking my belly absentmindedly.

I sat for a while muttering to my stomach about nothing in particular and when I needed some sign she was alive, she was kicking. 

She wasn't even born yet, but she already did what I told her. I smiled slightly at that. 

I finally decided that, because the pain had disappeared, it was time to get up but even then I took tentative steps. 

Even if nothing happened, it took another five minutes for me to start walking at my normal pace and when I was finally comfortable, I left the room. 

I wasn't sure where I was going, but something in the back of my head told me that I had to tell someone about the pain just in case something went wrong. My first thought was to go to Mark, but then I remembered that Lauren was probably still there and, well, I wasn't going to tell her about this. So, instead of going Mark's bedroom, I walked in the opposite direction to the living room where I found Ara.

She was sitting on the couch with Daryl and Michael on the floor, staring at the TV where some kids programme was playing. She looked up and as soon as she noticed me, she smiled. 

"Want to join us?" She asked, pointing at the TV. 

"Um, yeah, right," I nodded as I headed to the couch and sat down next to Ara. I spent some time staring at the TV before I turned to her and began to speak. 

"Ara, can I ask you something?" I asked. 

She turned her head and met my gaze. Perhaps my expression gave something away because she instantly looked worried. 

"What's the problem?" She asked.

I threw a quick look at Daryl and Michael, not quite sure if I should talk about this in front of them, but Ara just waved her hand dismissively.

"Their heads are in cartoon land, don't worry," she said, and after throwing a quick glance at them, I was convinced enough. 

"So, uh ... you know ... the contractions and all that?" I said nervously. "How- uhm, how do they work?"

He frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"How ... Painful should they be?"

"You've had contractions?" She asked, her eyes widening with what appeared to be concern.

"I- I think so?" I said, biting my lip. "I-I had them a lot in the start but I kinda forgot about them after a while, but I got some really painful ones when I woke up and, I dunno, that can't be good, can it?"

"I don't know," she said slowly. "I don't know anything about your body, but pains aren't ever a good sign during pregnancy, do you know if she's okay?"

"Yeah, she's fine," I said, looking down. "She kicked a few minutes ago but it'd be best to ask the doctor, right?"

"You have an appointment Monday, right?"

I nodded and she continued.

"You should ask your doctor then. I don't think it's serious, don't worry sweetheart."

"I thought parents should worry about everything," I said, smiling slightly.

She smiled back.

"You're right," she agreed. "Oh, I didn't ask Mark but...did you decide what you're doing with her?"

I stared at her for a few seconds and muttered. 

"Yeah, w-we're giving her up."

She pursed her lips and nodded.

"I think it's the right decision." There was a moment of silence. "I can't imagine Mark being mature enough to look after a baby."

I shook my head.

"He wanted to keep her, watch her grow up and all that."

"He told me," she said with a comforting smile. "Weeks ago, before you came here, he told me that he hoped you'd decide to keep her."

"Keeping her would destroy his life, and mine, and hers. I don't wanna do it but, y'know, I have ta do what's best for all of us."

While I was talking, I couldn't help but realise that I sounded like I was trying to convince myself more than I was trying to convince Ara. 

"Well, if that's what makes you happy then I'm happy too," 

"But you'd be happy if I decided to keep her, wouldn't ya?"

"Like I said, if this is what makes you happy then I'm happy too."

I smiled. 

"All parents should be like you."

She only smiled in response and then we fell into a comfortable silence and I sat there for about half an hour before I headed back to my room. 

For once my mind wasn't full of worries and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. Some questions were still sitting in the back of my mind but they weren't big enough to dampen my mood. I didn't worry about Gracie, I didn't worry about Mark, because, even though I knew nothing could happen, he felt something and I didn't worry about this pregnancy because I had Ara here to help me. 

So all in all, things were going well, in five weeks everything would be over; I'd probably be able to find a place to stay, id like to stay friends with Mark and Gracie would be with someone that loved her a lot. 

Well, that last thing I still had to come to terms with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ara returns to be a cinnamon roll once again, I love her so much. Lauren returned...I can't imagine many people are happy about that and we've got an update on Juliet! Jack's contractions...hmm...
> 
> Anyway, have a good day/night!!!


	25. I'm a great kisser.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark and Jack visit Dr Hayes and they might've crossed the line.

I got another call from Dodger the next day, she wasn't happy. Not one bit. 

"Jack, where are you?" She demanded the second I answered the phone. 

"Hey, calm down, I'm okay." I promised. "I'm with a friend."

She let out a loud sigh. 

"Why didn't you tell me your mom kicked you out?" She questioned. "I could've done something."

"I didn't want anyone ta know, honestly." I shrugged. "I know yer gonna say that I should tell ya these things but I have my reasons this time."

"Jack, you've been really weird lately," she told me. "What's going on?"

"It's hard ta explain, Dodger." She wasn't taking this sitting down and I knew that, Dodger was someone that never let things get past her; she'd find out one way or another. 

I heard her grunt on the other end of the phone. 

"Jack, it can't be that bad, I won't judge you for gods sake we've been friends for years!" She exclaimed. 

"It weird."

"Jack, please, I think I can take it," she said, I could imagine her rolling her eyes at me. "Please, I want to help."

I sighed. I had to tell her, didn't I? She deserved to know. Dodger was my only friend for a long time, I thought she deserved more than a half-assed excuse. 

"We can't talk about it over the phone." I explained and sighed.

"When can I see you then?" She asked. 

"Tuesday, I suppose," I told her. I really didn't want to go out and I doubt Ara would've let me go out without her or Mark so I only had one other choice. "C-could ya come ta Mark's place? It's 14 Bexley?"

"Yeah, that's fine, I can do that." Dodger said and I could tell she was smiling. "I want a full explanation, Sean, no bullshit." 

"No bullshit." I promised. 

*

Hadley's call came a few hours later. 

"Jack, hey baby brother, are you okay?" She asked, I imagined she'd be pouring or something. "Don't worry, Ma and Ian are fuckin' getting it when we get there! I'm studying for exams right now but I promise ya we'll make sure somethings done."

She said this in the space of about 10 seconds after I picked up the phone. I had to roll my eyes at her. 

"Hey, Hadley, you alright?"

"I'm good, but seriously Jack, they're not gonna know what hit 'em. James is flying in from Brazil, David is gonna head back home after exams."

"It's like yer scheduling a secret mission." I chuckled. 

"Technically, it is that," she giggled. "We'll be there soon, Jacky!"

Hadley could really talk. She could probably talk for hours and that's how I was left listening to her blab on about her roommate and her dirty socks and how awful her studying was going, she'd yet to realise she was procrastinating by talking to me. I couldn't help but smile though because during the hour and a half that she was on the phone, I got texts from both David and James and I knew that I definitely had my brothers and my sisters behind me. 

Something was finally going my way. 

Monday, April 25th  
Thirty-six weeks. 

"Jesus, why do you take forever?" Mark whined. 

It was nearly half past four and Mark, who'd just come home from school, had come directly home to pick me up and take me to the doctor's office. 

Apparently he thought that I spent too much time getting ready, because he was standing there for about five minutes tapping his foot impatiently. I frowned as I walked out of the bathroom and I headed toward the entrance to put on my shoes. 

"I'm sorry, I'm pregnant and slower than most people," I said as I sat down and pulled my shoes on, Ara had placed a chair at the end of the hallway to help me out. "Blame it on yerself if it's too much ta handle, you put her there."

"Sorry, sorry," he said. "It's been a long day."

"You don't have'ta come," I told him. "If you're too tired, you really don't have to."

"I'm not tired," he insisted, smiling faintly. "But we'll be late if you don't move your ass."

"We still have twenty minutes," I sighed, nevertheless I got up and walked out the door with Mark following behind me. When we got to the car and Mark pulled out onto the street, it took another ten seconds for him to start another conversation. 

"So, today's the day we're gonna know how Gracie, um, gets out of you."

"Yeah, Mark, you put it so beautifully too,"

"I know, it's a gift. Seriously though."

I sighed and shrugged, suddenly feeling kind of sad. 

"Yeah," I nodded. "But I don't think there's any alternative to a C-section."

"Wouldn't that be nice though? I could hold your hand while you pushed an-"

"Mark!"

His eyes were directed on the road, but a disproportionate grin spread across his face. 

"What? We could have a nice family moment! Something we could tell all our family and friends about!"

I rolled my eyes.

"You're delusional if you think I can push a watermelon sized baby outta my asshole and you're even more crazy if ya think I'd ever tell that story to any family or friends."

"There you go again, crushing my hopes and dreams," he gave an over exaggerated frown, feigning disappointment. 

"Sorry, maybe next time, Mark."

"You should be sorry, you crushed my dreams."

"Yeah, I'm sure this is what you always dreamed," I said, and despite my cynical tone of voice, I couldn't help but smile.

"Of course it is," he exclaimed. "Ever since I was a young boy, I fantasized about the day I'd get a random man pregnant, it's been a dream since I was seven years old."

"That must've been a weird year for ya man."

"Oh no, it was fantastic, I got my first kiss and everything."

I raised an eyebrow at him. 

"A peck on the lips behind your daycare doesn't count as a first kiss, Mark."

He sighed. 

"You couldn't let me be happy for five seconds?" He chuckled. "I never said it was the best kiss," he simpered. "But it was my first kiss, it's a nice memory."

I wrinkled my nose. 

"I don't remember my first kiss as a really nice memory," I mused. "It was just teeth and saliva and her tongue all over my face."

"Well, yeah, but that's a real kiss," motivated. "I was talking about the little kisses you give when you're a kid, y'know? When you're like a meter away from them and you just peck their lips and you feel really fuzzy?"

I frowned a little because, honestly, I had no idea what he was talking about. 

"I've never done that," I admitted.

"What? Seriously?"

He looked surprised.

"I've never had many friends Mark," I said. "Now I have you, Dodger, and, I suppose, Cry and Felix."

"But what about when you were really little? A kid, you must've-"

"Same thing," I said, trying to appear as indifferent as possible. "People just don't like me."

"But that's not-"

"Oh my God, we're really having this conversation?" I interrupted. "We've done it, at least, a thousand times."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay, it's just a sore subject."

"Yeah, I know, I'm sorry," he said gently reaching out to pet my knee. 

"So when was your first kiss?" He asked. 

I stopped, thinking about it for a second. It was during the summer, I knew that, but I couldn't tell you the exact day. 

"I dunno," I said, rubbing my neck. "I mean, I know it was Dodger 'cause she's the only person I've ever kissed other than you an-"

"Wait, I was your first kiss?" He interrupted, smiling widely like he was really proud. 

"I had my first kiss before you, thanks," I said, my cheeks a little flushed.

"But she was a girl and you're gay, so-"

"The kisses were still real, dumbass."

"Did you like it?"

"I liked kissing her," I admitted. "I wouldn't have done it again if I didn't."

"But you're gay and she's a girl, so you liked kissing me more, right?"

"Well, I- I didn't hate it," I muttered.

"So my kiss was better than hers?"

I scowled at him but mumbled "yes" under my breath. 

"I knew it," he said triumphantly. "I'm a great kisser."

"Definitely something you should be proud of." I commented. 

After a couple of minutes we pulled into the parking lot in front of the doctor's office. 

There were five other people sitting in the waiting room when we entered the building, and they all turned to us when the sound of our footsteps echoed throughout the room. I stopped walking and stared at the four women and the man now staring at me. It was almost funny how each of them watched us, almost synchronised. 

"I feel like the weird kid that shows up to parties late and turns up when they're cutting the cake or something," Mark whispered in my ear, as he placed a gentle hand on my lower back, urging me to keep walking. 

I looked up at him and smiled faintly, but I said nothing, before resuming my pace towards the chairs that were as far away from everyone as possible. With a small sigh, I collapsed on the chair. 

"Hey, are you okay?" Mark asked, patting my knee, watching me anxiously.

"I'm fine, I don't really pay them much attention anymore," I said with a wry smile.

To my slight surprise, he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and smiled at me sweetly.

"We've only got a few minutes, Dr Hayes is gonna call us in soon."

"Thank God," I nodded. I looked up and found that everyone had stopped staring except from the man, his eyes squinted like he was trying to figure out what was going on and why two men were here. "That guys keeps staring at me, it's kinda creeping me out." I whispered. 

"Ignore him, Jack, you're okay." He assured and squeezed my knee. 

I sighed.

"Yeah, I know."

Fortunately, Dr Hayes appeared a minute later and called my name, Mark instantly shot up and turned to me, arms stretched out. 

"Come on," he said.

I put out my arms and leaned forwards, allowing him to help me to my feet. 

"I can't wait for this thing ta get outta me," I muttered. 

"You're referring to our daughter as thing again?" He chortled.

"Yeah, well, she turned me into an incapable, hormonal, overweight monster," I grumbled as we walked into Dr Hayes office. 

"You've got a month to go, I'm sure you can handle it," he said.

I let out a small sigh, but stopped our conversation there as we sat in the chairs at Dr Hayes desk. 

"It's good to see you again, boys," She smiled briefly before she turned towards me. "How are you, Sean?"

"Oh, you know," I began with a small wave of my hand. "I'm getting bigger each and every day, I need to piss all the time and my ankles are swollen but I'm fine."

"Other than that, is everything okay?"

I bit my lip. 

"There was this ... thing that happened on Tuesday," I said hesitantly.

She frowned a little and leaned back in her chair, watching me quizzically.

"I'm not really sure what it was," I explained. "I mean, if I had to guess, I'd say they were contractions, but I don't know if they were too painful ta be contractions or something like that."

"What?" Mark asked, leaning forwards. "Why didn't you tell me?"

I turned to him and I met a pair of wide and almost terrified eyes.

"You were busy with Lauren," was all I said and turned back to Dr Hayes. 

"Was this the first time?" She asked, still frowning.

"No, it happened a couple a couple of times in the first few months, but it didn't happen again until Tuesday, the baby was kicking so I didn't think it was bad enough for it ta be an emergency."

"Can you describe the pain?"

"It was really bad, I could barely move or speak when it happened."

"I think we should do an ultrasound, just to be sure that everything's okay," she said as she walked to the table that I'd gotten to know quite well in the past six months. 

Twenty minutes later we concluded that there was nothing to worry about, that my weight was normal and that my ankles, despite being swollen, weren't as bad as they could've been. Then again, the fact she couldn't find anything wrong with the baby made me wonder if it was something to do with me and how my body was structured. 

"I think the only way we can understand this is if we find out what happened in the first place," Dr Hayes said when I told her about my concerns. "Without knowing how your body is structured, it is virtually impossible to come up with any kind of theory."

"Understandable."

"Do you still want to find out? I know that we booked an appointment some time ago to do some tests, but you didn't show up and you haven't brought it back up."

I bit my lip and looked at Mark, silently asking for help.

"What?" He said, raising an eyebrow.

"Any thoughts?"

"What? About them doing tests?" He asked.

I nodded and he gave me a confused look. 

"I thought you wanted to know."

"Yeah, but-" I stopped, noticing that I had no excuse and sighed before I turned back to Dr Hayes and nodded. "No, I want to find out," I said. "Can we book another appointment?"

"Sure," she replied.

"Considering that you're very close to the end of your pregnancy, I'd say that we should do it soon, this week preferably if that's okay with you?"

"I stopped going to school until the baby's born, so I'm available whenever."

"Well, in that case, we could do it on Wednesday at eleven o'clock, if that's okay?"

"Yeah, that's fine."

The room became silent all of a sudden as Dr Hayes typed away at her computer. I turned to Mark and found him staring off into the distance.

"What's up?" I asked.

"I wanna come on Wednesday but I can't remember what class I have at eleven."

"You do-"

"I want to go with you, don't try to change my mind," he interrupted me before I could protest. 

"Okay."

Seconds later, Dr Hayes stopped typing and began to speak again.

"So," he said pointing. "We should discuss the childbirth."

"Is there actually any other methods that aren't a C-Section?" Mark asked.

She smiled.

"No, not really."

I squirmed a little. 

"Can I ask a hypothetical question?" Mark asked.

"Go on."

"Would it be possible for Jack to, like, you know ... do it the natural way?"

She raised her eyebrows at him. 

"The baby would have to come from the same way the sperm entered the body which is-"

"His asshole," Mark finished. "Sorry, go on."

I gave him a dirty look, but I said nothing.

"But yes, it could be possible for him to give birth that way but-."

I grimaced.

"That'd be really painful, wouldn't it?"

"Well, I'm not completely sure it's possible," she explained. "Obviously, I don't know the condition of Sean's rectum and anus, but I'm pretty sure that it doesn't accommodate the right space that a woman would have when giving birth to a baby, it could possibly end with the baby dying and Sean needing surgery for muscle damage amongst other things."

"Basically, we choose any other option," I said, my stomach turned and the fast of bile "So c-section is the only alternative?"

She nodded.

"It's the only way we can assure both you and the baby are safe."

"Then I guess I'm getting cut open" I said, trying to smile even though I felt really, really sick at the thought of it. 

Honestly, who could talk about that so casually? It was something that belonged in horror movies!

"It's completely safe," she said with a comforting smile, apparently she'd noticed my mild discomfort. "The caesarean sections are done carefully and quickly."

"There are some after-effects though, right?"

"Yes, of course."

"Like what?" I asked anxiously.

"Well, you might feel very queasy for about forty-eight hours after the baby is born," she explained. "And you'll stay in hospital for a few days, you might feel pain for the first week and won't really be able to do much but lie down in the first day or two, you'll have a scar on your lower abdomen, which will be inflamed and numb at first and, of course, after the procedure there will be a couple of hours where you can't drink or eat to ensure blood clots-"

"I think I get the point," I interrupted her with a miserable frown on my face; none of what she'd just described sounded good at all. 

"After being fat, incapable and disgusting, I become just incapable and disgusting."

"Stop worrying so much about how you look," Mark said softly. "You're not fat and you're not disgusting, you're pregnant and you're beautiful, okay?"

My cheeks warmed and turned my gaze downwards.

"Sure, whatever," I huffed. 

"Well, now that we've established that," Dr. Hayes said with a smile. "I'd like to ask you a few questions. Many pregnant women prefer their partner to leave during this, would you like Mark to leave?'

"He's not exactly my partner," I said. "But, um ... what kind of questions?"

"They're regarding urination and bowel movements."

"Okay, Mark, get out," I ordered.

"What? Why? I'm not-"

"You don't need to be here for this," I said.

"But-"

"Mark, I already feel really sick about answering these questions without thinking of you hearing the answers, can you just go?" I pleaded. "Please?"

He rolled his eyes, but a smile reappeared as soon as he was on his feet.

"Let me know when you're done."

Then he left. 

"I can say that the dynamic between you two has certainly changed since the first time you came here together," Dr Hayes said once Mark had closed the door behind him. 

I couldn't help but smile. 

"Yeah, we're closer now."

"I can see that, now let's get to these questions." 

"You say it like its a good thing."

"Yes, well, not every single aspect of being pregnant is pure joy."

"Actually I haven't found a single part of it that could be described as pure joy."

"Oh, I'm sure you've smiled a couple of times when you felt her kicking."

Well, I couldn't deny that so I just smiled and shrugged. 

"Okay, so, the questions," he said.

"Some women experience some problems with urination and bowel movements at this stage of their pregnancies, have you had problems?"

My face began to boil, and I cast my eyes towards my lap, mumbling something about the possibility of having one or two problems. And this went on for about ten minutes - she kept asking me questions and I blushed as I tried to answer. When she decided she had everything she needed, I had to give a mental sigh of relief. 

"Well, you're not the worst case I've encountered," she said with her eyes on the computer screen. "But I'm going to prescribe you something to help with your bowel movements and an ointment."

"Um, yeah, t-thanks," I muttered.

"Have you experienced any heartburn, Sean?"

I shook my head and she nodded, apparently satisfied.

"Well, I think we're done," she told me.  
"On Wednesday, I don't think we'll need to do our regular checkup so you should just come straight to the hospital"

"The hospital?" I asked. "You didn't tell me ta go there last time."

"I wanted you here because we were doing the usual check ups too," she explained. "Now that we don't have to do that, you should go straight to the hospital."

"Is it gonna be you that does the test?"

She nodded. 

"Yes."

"So the hospital," I said quietly. "Wednesday at eleven, right?"

"Right."

"So, are we done?"

"Unless you have any other questions, we're done for the day."

I had nothing else to say so, instead, I thanked her, said goodbye and left the room. Mark was sitting in a chair outside the room and he stood up as soon as he saw me. 

"Can I come back in?"

"We're done," I said as I began to walk towards the exit.

"Oh. Then can we go home?"

"Um, well, we have to go to the pharmacy," I said, feeling my cheeks heat up with embarrassment. 

He waited until we were in the car before he answered, and when he did, his mouth curled into a grin. 

"You feeling a little backed up, Jackaboy?" He asked. 

"Oh my God, can we just go, please?" I muttered.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of," he crooned, with a stupid grin on his stupid face. "Loads of people have these problems."

"Mark, stop please."

"My great grandad had the same problems before he died, you know?"

"Can we talk about something else?"

"Do you need a special diet?"

"I really don't wanna talk about this."

"Weird bran and yoghurt?"

"Can you let it go?"

"So it's like you're-"

"Mark! Can you listen ta me for a fucking second? Shut the fuck up!"

The laughter in his eyes died and his smile disappeared.

I gulped and looked down on my belly. 

"Sorry," I muttered. "Can we just go? Please?"

"Yeah, sure."

*

Later that day, after going to the pharmacy, after dinner and my usual nap, I found myself sat up on my bed reading through the history textbook that Mark had brought home for me. 

Self-study was a lot easier than I thought it'd be but I soon began to appreciate the teachers reading from the textbook and giving their own simpler explanations. I'd spent half an hour doing this when I heard my door open and I looked up.

Mark was there in the doorway, he had a bundle of DVDs in one hand and a bowl of chips in the other and he was smiling. 

"Wanna watch a movie?" He asked.

I was glad to have an excuse to get away from the books, so I sighed and smiled back.

"Yes please," I decided. "Come here, help me up," I said and leaned forward with my arms out. 

"You're like a pensioner," he chuckled and leaned toward me, taking my hands. "Unable to do anything without help."

"Didn't your mom ever teach ya to be polite?" I asked as I, with Mark's help, stood up. 

"Yeah, she did, I'm sorry," he said, giving my stomach a pat. "Mom, Dad and the twins went to visit my aunt and uncle so we can use the big TV if you want?"

I shrugged.

"Your bed is more comfortable than the couch," I said. "But if you wanna use the living room then we can do that."

"We'll go to my room then," he said and then turned and left the room before I had time to say that if be really really wanted to watch the movie in the living room it was okay with me. I smiled to myself and followed after him. 

"I have something to tell you," he said as he closed the door behind me. "What you're wearing so fucking adorable."

I looked down to see exactly what I was wearing and then I raised my eyebrows at him.

"I'm wearing a knitted sweater and a pair of pyjama pants that are tucked into my damn socks, you think that's adorable?"

"Yeah, you look cute and small," he beamed. "Now come on and sit down"

"Small and cute," I repeated. "I'll fucking show ya small and cute."

I lay down next to him in my usual spot, my head rested on his shoulder. 

"I'm nearly twice the size of ya, how the hell can you think I'm small and cute?"

"I dunno, you just are." He said as he pressed the play button. 

I laughed a little but I didn't give any other answer. The room became silent. Mark wrapped his arm around me and the other placed on my stomach. It made me want to sleep right there and then and I almost gave in as the movie started to become really bad and...kinda stupid. 

"Mark?"

"Mm?"

"Why did ya choose this movie? It sucks."

"What?"he asked, his eyes wide like I'd just insulted his mother. "How can you say that? It's great!"

"It doesn't make sense."

"It's only been fifteen minutes."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Wow. It's worse than I thought then."

"You're hopeless," he grumbled. "Want me to change it?"

"Nah, that's okay, I'm gonna fall asleep either way."

"Okay then."

We spent about ten minutes in silence before I spoke again 

"I'm sorry I yelled at ya."

"It's okay, I should've shut up when you asked me the first time anyway."

"Yeah, you should've," I muttered. "But I'm still sorry. I already feel disgusting and I don't wanna talk about stuff that makes me feel more disgusting, ya know?"

"Jack," he groaned, seemingly exasperated. "You're not weird, fat or disgusting, nobody thinks that, I certainly don't because I actually think you're absurdly gorgeous."

A warm feeling began to spread throughout my body and my cheeks were painted slightly pink.

"Thanks," I mumbled, and I pecked his cheek, not even realising I'd done it until a minute later. Mark didn't seem to mind though.

He smiled and moved closer, his nose getting lost in my hair. 

"No problem," he whispered.

I smiled back at him for a second before I began to move. 

"I just want to get more comfortable," I said, before I turned with the help of both arms, and settled myself in between his legs with my back pressed against his chest and my head on his shoulder. It didn't seem like he cared too much about the change of position as two arms wrapped around me and he nuzzled into my hair. 

"You're a good cuddler," I sighed. 

"Thanks," he muttered to my hair. "It's nice being able to do it, Lauren hates cuddling."

"How could someone hate cuddling?" I asked, frowning. "It's nice and comfortable and warm, what's not to love?"

"Don't ask me," he muttered. "I love it." There was a brief silence before he began to speak again, this time more quietly. "Especially with you."

I blinked and hesitated for a second or two before turning my head to the side and to look at him. 

"You know," I said. "Saying stuff like that could be interpreted as cheating."

"Not if you think of it as a friendly gesture."

I frowned and shook my head. 

"That's too hard."

"I think it's pretty easy."

"Probably because I'm in love with you and you've got a dumb crush on me," I blurted. I didn't realise I'd said it until a few seconds later and I suddenly felt like I wanted to sink into the mattress and disappear forever. 

Did I really just tell Mark I was in love with him? 

When did that happen? I wasn't aware of that. Now wasn't the time to start thinking though because Mark was staring at me wide-eyed and unmoving. 

"Y-you're in love with me?" He finally asked. 

Well, that wasn't exactly the reaction I'd hoped for. 

"Sorry," I mumbled, looking down. "I didn't-"

"You're in love with me?" He interrupted.

"I-I don't-"

"Just answer the question."

I looked back again and it was there that I met Mark's eyes only a few centimeters away from mine. 

"I ... I think so," I said, silently cursing the quaver in my voice. "I haven't thought about it," I continued nervously. "But, I suppose, I- I'm in love with you."

He didn't speak, he just stared at me and I felt myself getting smaller and smaller; I wished I'd get smaller and, when it looked like he wasn't going to say anything else, I spoke. 

"I'm sorry," I apologised. "I shouldn't have said anything, I'll leave and-"

"Shut up and look at me."

I frowned but did what he asked despite being a little shocked at his tone. He still had this intense look about him but there was something else, something almost affectionate and calm. 

"Stop excusing everything you say, if you say something and you mean it then stand by it."

If it weren't for the gentle tone of his voice and the look in his eyes, his last statement could have been taken as hostile.

"Sorry," I said. "It's just really embarrassing."

"Nothing about being in love is embarrassing," he said with a smile.

I chuckled.

"You sound like my grandma."

"I take that as a compliment," he smirked. "Grandparents are very wise."

"Yes, and old."

"At least I'm wise."

I smiled again. We sat there for a while without speaking, just staring. 

"Don't ya find this weird?" I asked, looking at him curiously. "We just talked about that and we're still this close ta each other." 

"I don't think it's weird, do you?"

"No, I ... I'm fine," I said, still a little hesitant.

"No you're not."

I shrugged.

"It's just kinda annoying that no matter what I do, we can cuddle and talk 'till the sun goes down but I can never have you the way I want and it really sucks."

"Yeah, I know," he said with slight sigh.

"You know?"

"I like you too, Jack and it's annoying, for me, that we can't be anything else than friends."

If you got rid of Lauren, we could. 

"Things are just fucked," I grumbled.

I moved to look back at the movie but he placed a hand on my cheek to stop me. 

"Maybe it wouldn't be so bad," he began slowly. "It wouldn't hurt to, you know, do something."

"What? Do ya want me to blow ya so you can see if ya really have feelings fer me?"

"I didn't mean it like that, you're impossible, you know that?" He said with an amused smile.

"I know, I know," I sighed. "But I'm pregnant, I'm allowed."

"Oh yeah, use that poor baby as an excuse," he chuckled. "You're right though." He smiled again and leaned forwards, his hand still on my cheek. 

"It doesn't matter how impossible you are, I still think you're amazing," he said, and then he leaned forwards and kissed me, I froze again and I blinked a few times, his eyes were closed and his glasses were askew. I felt like I was in a dream, like I was in a completely different space all together. I was lost. 

Then he pulled back and snapped me out of my daze. I bit my lip, pondering wether what I was about to do was really smart. I decided; yep, definitely and I placed a chaste kiss on his lips. When I leaned back, I noticed that his expression bad turned nervous, I stared at him, silently begging him to do something but by that point I knew it was a bad idea, a really bad idea. He leaned closer. 

It was just a faint touch, as if he was wondering if he really should kiss me and, honestly, I was thinking the same thing. However, when a person that you've been pining after for months gives you an opportunity like this, you try not to waste it, especially if they have feelings for you too. There's a point where you throw everything out the window and you let your instincts and your desires take over and you just say fuck it. 

Therefore, it only took about two seconds for me to close the space and open my mouth, begging him to return the kiss. He did.

We spent a couple of minutes swapping innocent, open mouthed kisses but the second his tongue pushed past my lips, things changed.

Our sweet kisses turned into desperate clashes of lips, tongues and teeth and I found myself leaning back into him. Both his hands settled on my stomach while I pressed my back against his chest, his hands trailed down to the waistband of my pyjama pants and I grabbed his hand and guided it down to my bulge. 

Having someone else's hands on me- Mark's hands on me - made me feel incredible, especially after being this frustrated for this long and I was so damn grateful for this but before this went any further, Mark pulled away and drew his hand back up to my stomach, he leaned his head against mine, breathing heavily. 

"Okay, okay," he gasped.

My eyes were closed and my breathing was ragged, and when I opened my eyes I had to blink one or two times to adjust my vision to my surroundings. 

"Are ya okay?"

I was still breathing heavily and I wanted nothing more than to breathe again and for my god damn dick to calm down. 

"S-should I apologise fer this?" I asked, looking at him anxiously. He moved both hands to my stomach, as if two minutes before he wasn't rubbing my dick through my pants. 

"Of course not," he said. "But we'd better stop before we cross the line and do something stupid."

"Yeah, good idea," I nodded. 

I had the feeling that we'd definitely already crossed the line.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...stuff happened guys. Finally. Mark's still a bit of an ass though... Let's face it. 
> 
> The McLoughlin siblings are supporting their baby brother! Dodger and Jack are gonna talk and well, you know, a lot of other stuff too :D 
> 
> Have a good day/night!


	26. I'm proud of you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack ponders Mark's morals, Dodger is convinced there's an alien and Mark's insistent that there's a reason.

Monday, April 25  
thirty-six weeks

"So, do you wanna watch the rest of the movie?" I'd never felt so awkward and nervous before and I wasn't sure wether to laugh or cry. 

"I-I think I'm gonna go to my room," I said and moved so that his hands fell from my stomach, I dropped to the floor and adjusted myself. 

"Why?" He asked. I could've sworn he sounded annoyed. "We just kissed, it's nothing."

I rolled my eyes. 

"Yes, we kissed," I said after I turned to look at him. "We really kissed and I'm pretty sure that your hand was rubbing my dick through my pants and I'm pretty sure you have a boner right now 'cause I fucking felt it."

He looked at me for a moment and then raised his eyebrows.

"Are you angry at me?" He asked.

"No, I'm not angry," I told him. "I'm- no, I don't know. I don't know how to feel."

"Well, obviously you liked kissing me," he said with a vague gesture toward my pants.

"Of course I liked it, but that's not the point."

"What's the point then?"

"The point is that you have a girlfriend but ya don't seem to have anything against kissing me."

"So you think it's morally wrong and that's why you're like this?" He asked.

"I don't care about what's right or wrong when it come ta Lauren," I blurted before I could stop myself.  
My eyes widened and I was about to apologize, but then I remembered what Mark said about standing by what I said, so I did. "I care about what's right when it comes to me." 

"What?" He looked puzzled. "You wanted to kiss me, so what's wrong?"

I let out a small snort.

"It feels like I'm being used," I said. "You know I have feelings for ya and you exploit it, you think it's okay to kiss me and all that but you have a girlfriend who's clearly more important than I am."

He was silent for a few seconds, apparently concentrated thinking.

"What do you mean by that?" He asked. 

It wasn't the first time I found myself questioning his intelligence. 

"It means that yer disrespecting me and yer disrespecting your current relationship," I said dryly.

"You know that I like you, whys it so weird that I want to kiss you?" He asked.

It seemed like he was about to get angry now, he sounded bitter and his frown deepened. 

"I'm not saying it's weird, I'm saying you can have me or you can have Lauren, not both."

"Why not?"

I groaned.

"That's cheating."

"So you're saying I can either break up with Lauren or lose you?"

"I'm saying that as long as yer in a relationship we can't do anything friends wouldn't do." I sighed. "Everything was fine until now."

"Are you blaming me for what just happened?"

"You started it."

He pursed his lips.

"You didn't object, I'm pretty sure if I hadn't stopped we'd have gone much further than that."

I felt my cheeks heat up, but I didn't break eye contact with him. 

"You started it ya idiot."

"Can you blame me?" He boomed. "I lost count of how many times we cuddled last week and you were so fucking gorgeous and glowing and I-I fucking love you, okay? I'm just-"

"If ya want me that bad then break up with Lauren and you can fucking have me, Mark!"

Silence. 

"I'm not gonna break up with Lauren," he said quietly.

"Then you can't have me."

He nodded in response.

"Okay," was all he said.

I gulped and nodded once more before I turned on the spot and walked towards the door. I was almost at the door when the sound of his voice called me back.

"Can I at least say goodnight to Gracie?"

I sighed, wanting to tell him "no", but I wasn't heartless, so I turned and walked toward the bed, stopping next to it. He moved to the edge of the bed so that his feet touched the ground and looked up hesitantly before placing both hands on my belly. 

He leaned closer, so close that his cheek touched my sweater. 

"Night night, Gracie," he murmured. "Be good, don't make your daddy stressed out unless it's necessary, okay? I love you so much little girl, I really do."

He stayed there for another second before looking up at me. His eyebrows were knit together and his hands were still in the same spot. 

"We're okay, right?" She asked sweetly. "I don't want to ruin things again."

"It's okay, we're okay," I said but my voice was cold and stiff - real convincing. 

Fifteen minutes later I was back in my room and even though it was half past nine, I snuggled under the covers with full intentions of just going to sleep. 

Mark admitted he wanted me, he'd admitted he loved me enough to have no qualms about cheating on his girlfriend. To tell the truth, I wasn't sure about his morality but, if today said anything, it wasn't good. That was fine though, I didn't have to worry about that because he didn't want me enough to break up with Lauren, why should I care? 

It was pretty obvious that when we had our 'big talk', we hadn't talked about all our problems, which, to be honest, I expected. Things were better since the talk but after what just happened, it was clear that Mark and I still had things to discuss.

By themselves, these problems weren't particularly urgent or important, but if we piled them all together then it'd be enough to cause some real problems.

The thought of yet another 'big talk' made me feel sick and it was probably unnecessary. Gracie would be here soon, after that it would probably be better to cut Mark out of my life. 

It was nice to say to myself that, if I wanted to, I could leave here and go without Mark - if it came to a point where I wanted to. 

It was nice to try to convince myself that I continued to have full control of my life.

I knew, though, that it was just a big lie.

Tuesday, April 26  
Thirty-six weeks and one day

Every so often I wondered if Ara had a sixth sense when it came to me and Mark because, the next morning, the second after Mark had left for school, she turned to me with raised brows. 

"Why are you and Mark fighting?" She asked bluntly.

"Who told you we were fighting?"

"Neither of you said a word to each other in the ten minutes you were in that kitchen together." She shrugged. 

"There wasn't much to say," I said, trying to sound as convincing as possible.

Not at all surprised, it seemed that I failed, at least judging by the sigh of exasperation that she uttered.

"Let me guess: Mark's changed his mind and wants to keep the baby, you're both being stubborn or it has something to do with how you feel about each other."

I wanted to protest, but knew it would be useless. 

"Bingo on the last one," I said, my voice a whisper more than anything else.

She offered me a sad smile.

"It's not easy, huh?"

"What's not easy?"

"Not being able to make a decision about how you feel, especially when you spend more or less every second less than ten meters away from each other but I know neither of you are dumb, Jack."

My cheeks warmed a bit 'and I looked down.

"I guess so," was all she said in reply.

"Did something happened between you two?"

"No," I said probably a little too quickly. 

"Anything?"

She seemed skeptical.

"No, nothing," I squeaked, refusing to meet her gaze.

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely. It's okay, nothing happened. "

"You're lying," he said amused after a second pause. "But okay, I won't ask about it if you don't want to talk about it."

I smiled, but I still didn't look at her. 

"Thank you."

"You're welcome," 

We sat there for a while, just watching reality shows in nonsensical silence; It was reassuring, calming, and let me clear my head. 

The silence between us was not uncomfortable or anything, but it was one where I knew that if I spoke about anything, Ara would stay quiet and she'd listen. It felt good, to be honest I really had to admit it. 

"You and Mark have an appointment tomorrow, right?" She asked over the sobs of one of the girls on TV - she was really upset that Lucas was getting married. 

"Yeah, we're gonna do some tests."

"To find out how your body works?"

"Basically, yes."

"Are you nervous?"

I nodded. 

"A little," I said. "Not necessarily for the actual tests, but more about what the results are."

She smiled softly in response.

"It can't be that bad. You never had any strange experiences before all this happened, right? "

I shook my head.

"Well, at least we know you don't have any problems with your vital organs." She smiled. 

"There's something wrong though" I said with a nervous laugh. "I shouldn't be able carry a baby but...here I am! It's all kinds of wrong, there's something wrong."

"Just because somethings out of the ordinary doesn't mean that it's wrong."

*

It was at 1pm that I got a text from Dodger. 

From: Dodger

Hey, I'm on Bexley, can you come outside and tell me where I'm going? 

I sighed, I really didn't feel like it but I knew she'd probably never find the house if I didn't. 

To: Dodger. 

Yeah, be there in two. 

I heaved myself off the bed, slowly and carefully and left the room, I pulled on my shoes - I know I was only stepping outside but I sure as hell wasn't standing out there in just socks. 

I hobbled outside and down to the road and waited. 

About two minutes later, I saw Dodger's car approaching, a blue Honda. I decided to wave my hand, just in case she hadn't noticed the bright green - desperately in need of a being redyed- hair or the whale sized man. 

After Dodger parked the car, she jumped out and ran towards me, arms stretched outwards, she awkward a wrapped her arms around me and kissed my cheek. 

She was still in her uniform, having escaped school during her lunch break to come meet me. 

"Whoa." She mumbled. "Jack, what happened, man?"

I didn't answer but I grabbed her hand. 

"Can we talk about it inside?" I asked. "It's kinda uncomfortable."

Dodger nodded and she followed me towards Mark's house. I let her in, we slipped off our shoes and I guided her to my room. 

She was quiet until she was sat on the end of the bed with me at her side, my hands sitting on my bump. 

"Jack, are you okay?" She asked. "You don't look so good."

I looked up and found her eyes trained on my belly, Dodger had noticed my weight gain but she'd never said anything before now and, well, she looked terrified. 

"I'm fine, I mean, as good as I can be," I told her. "But, there's something I've gotta tell ya."

My heart was going a million miles a minute again, damn, you'd think I'd be used to telling people by now but I was so scared. Dodger had been my friend since I moved in next door, what if she didn't believe me? What if she thought I was a freak? 

What if I lost her? 

"I expected that." She said softly, she leaned towards me and placed a hand on my shoulder. "You can tell me anything, I promise I won't judge you."

"You can't promise me that, ya don't know yet."

"If you told me you killed someone then I'd be your alibi, I can promise that I won't judge you." She repeated. 

I couldn't argue with her about this because I didn't know how she'd react. 

"Okay, just, don't say anything until I'm done." She nodded. "Right, so remember that party I went to at the end of the summer? The one that I was really drunk at and my Ma had to come get me 'cause I was still passed out with my pants down?"

"Yeah." 

"Well, I had sex with someone."

"No brainer." Dodger giggled but then she locked her lips and stared at me. 

"So, I was sick for a long time after that, remember that?"

She nodded. 

"I went to the doctor and he decided to have a look, make sure everything was okay and we did an ultrasound, just to make sure everything's okay," I saw Dodger's eyes widen in panic, clearly she thought this was going to be worse than it actually is, like Juliet did. "Anyway, he found something weird and, Dodger, this sounds crazy and you're not gonna believe it but I'm, uh, I'm pregnant." 

Her mouth dropped, her eyes were trained on me but then a smile broke out. 

"Seriously, Jack, stop with the bullshit."

"It's not bullshit, Dodger, I promise!" I exclaimed. "Look!"

I stood up, or tried to, and rolled my shirt up to reveal my belly. It was really, really big and really, really round. 

Her eyes widened again and her smile faded, she glanced between my face and my belly rapidly. 

"Jack, I'm no doctor but I don't think it's possible."

I sighed. I was so sick of that statement. I knew it shouldn't be possible. 

"Dodger, would I lie to ya?" I asked. "Better yet, I couldn't because you know as much as anyone that I suck at lying, I really suck." 

"I-I don't - Jack this is crazy."

"I know, okay?" I huffed. "But there's proof, the...dad of the baby could tell you, his mom and dad know, I have ultrasound pictures and everything, I promise."

She looked right at me. 

"Jack, you're really serious aren't you." 

"Yes." I sighed. 

I walked over to the cabinet and pulled out a bundle of ultrasound pictures, ones Mark had put there for now and then handed them to Dodger as proof. 

She looked through them and I saw her cycle through, maybe, a thousand different expressions. It wouldn't be enough, I needed something else. 

Kick. 

Perfect. 

"Dodger, gimme yer hand." I told her. 

She raised an eyebrow and lifted he'd hand, I guided it towards where I'd felt the kick last. We waited a second and I just prayed that Gracie would kick. 

Dodger was starting to look at me weird when Gracie kicked again. Dodger's eyebrows shy up but then she stared up at me. 

"Something moved, is there like an alien or something in there?"

"It's a baby, dumbass."

"Was that a kick?" She asked. 

"Yeah." 

"You're really having a baby?"

"I've been trying ta say that fer the past ten minutes." I rolled my eyes. "She's gonna be here in about four weeks."

"It's a girl!" Dodger exclaimed almost vibrating with excitement. "Does she have a name yet?"

"Well, kinda, we call her Gracie but it's just so we have something to call her." I shrugged. 

"Gracie!" She gushed. "Aw, Jack you're gonna be a mommy!"

I let out a groan. I wasn't a mommy. 

"I'm still a guy, I'm pretty sure I'm still dad."

"Aw, Jacky!" She leaned into me and pressed a kiss to the side of my head. 

Once Dodger calmed down enough, after questioning me extensively on how this was possible, we talked about everything - Mark was the main subject and she was having a field day questioning me on him. She had to leave eventually because she had a class she had to get to but she didn't leave without hugging me, from the side, and insisting she'd be back whenever I needed her. It was nice to have Dodger back in the mix, she knew now and I realised I had more people backing me up than ever. 

This was good. 

*

That afternoon, Mark came in with a bad mood and an attitude, he'd ignored Ara when she said hello and ignored the twins when they said they wanted to show him the things they made at school. 

I looked up at Ara from where I was sitting at the kitchen table, tearing my eyes away from the math textbook to raise my eyebrows questioningly. Her eyes darted to the kitchen door and then to me. 

"He's had a bad day, I guess," she said. Her voice was light, but his eyes held some concern. "Can you go ask him if he's okay?"

"Oh, I-"

"You're going to talk to him anyway, anyway," she interrupted. "You have to do that as soon as possible."

Yeah, she definitely had a sixth sense.

With a sigh, I stood up and left the room. Mark's bedroom door was closed and I stood there a second. Last time I'd walked into his room, I saw him watching gay porn and I didn't want to relive that experience.

So I raised a hand and knocked once, twice, three times. 

I received no answer, and tried again.

Nothing.

I doubted he'd have been able to turn the computer on, pull down his pants and pull up some porn in the five minutes between him storming out of the kitchen and now. 

Then again, maybe he was in a bad mood because he was frustrated. 

I pushed to door open and poked my head in, finding that there was nothing that would've caused that embarrassment again and entered. I smiled softly as I closed the door behind me because I could hear him snoring away, I walked to the side of the bed, his head was lolled to one side and he was snoring softly, I found it fascinating that he could fall asleep so quickly. 

Being careful not to wake him, I sat down in the edge of the bed and looked at him. His chest moved up and down in a steady rhythm and his hair was already sticking up all over the place. 

Normally I wouldn't see snoring as adorable but he was fucking adorable. 

I changed position slightly, one arm wrapped around my belly. 

"Looks like yer daddy's tired, Gracie," I said softly as I looked at his totally relaxed expression. 

He looked so peaceful, so at ease. Like he didn't have a care in the world. I'd never seen him like that before because it seemed like he always had something on his mind. There was always a problem; he was going to become a father, he was questioning his sexuality, he was fighting with his girlfriend...

It was all my fault.

A lock of hair fell over his eyes and I reached out, putting it back in place. I let my hand come into contact with his skin. It hurt more now than ever knowing that I couldn't have him. That we'd never be together. 

I had no time to dwell on the issue because my hand was suddenly grabbed a second later and Mark's eyes opened. He blinked a few times. 

"I was hoping you were Lauren," he said with a small sigh.

"Sorry, it's just me," I said with a weak smile as he was withdrawing his hand still resting on his forehead.

"Yes, I can see that," he said as she stood up slowly. "I'm not blind."

"I know that," I said sharply.

He wasn't looking at me, but the wall on the other side of the bed, and he didn't seem like he was planning on moving at all. I took it as a sign that hadn't forgot about our fight. 

"I don't like fighting with ya." 

He turned his eyes toward me with a confused expression.

"We're having a fight?"

"I- well, I thought we were after last night," I said, nervously rubbing the edge of my sweater.

"Oh," he said, sounding puzzled. "I thought we agreed that everything was fine, right?"

I wanted to argue that there were still some unresolved tensions between us when I left the room last night, but it seemed like he was already in a bad mood and I really didn't want to make the situation worse. 

"We'll talk about it later." I shrugged. 

"I didn't know there was still something to talk about," he said wearily. "But I'm too tired to argue, so it's fine, we'll talk later."

"Okay."

He nodded and then sighed again.

"So, is there a reason you're watching me sleep or am I just that beautiful?"

"Your mom told me to come and check if you were okay."

"So, I'm not beautiful?" He pouted. 

"You're as pretty as a princess."

"Thank you, I appreciate it."

"So are you okay?"

He shrugged.

"I'm fine."

"You're really convincing," I scoffed 

"I argued with Lauren."

Was it wrong that I felt happy about that?

"Oh ... about what?"

"You."

I frowned.

"Me? Why?"

"I don't know," he said with a sigh. "I told her you were staying here and all that and I gave her a reason and she seemed cool with it but today she decided she didn't like it, girl logic."

I frowned.

"What reason did you give her?" I asked. "I know you didn't give her the real reason."

"I don't think she'd take that well," he said. "No, I just said you got kicked out and I didn't know why but my mom's letting you stay here."

"Of course, blame everyone but yourself," I said, but with a smile.

"Well, I didn't need to tell her if it wasn't necessary."

"But today she decided that it isn't okay that I'm here."

He groaned before sinking his head into his pillows and pinching the bridge of the nose.

"She said she doesn't like you being here because you're weird and...other stuff."

"Something tells she used the word 'queer' at some point." I said dryly.

"Maybe," he said with a sad smile. "But now she's mad at me."

"And so you're angry."

"No, I'm not angry," he shook his head. "Just tired I guess. Tired of arguing with her about everything."

I nodded to assure him that I was listening. 

"So ..." I began slowly, dragging out the words. "You had a fight because of me?"

"Well, yes, that's what I told you half a minute ago."

"She doesn't like me staying here and you fought about it."

"Yes. What are you- "

"So you took my side?" I interrupted, a smile growing on my face.

He blinked, then raised his eyebrows.

"What."

"You stood up for me."

"I think so, yeah."

Despite his confusion, and his obvious difficulty understanding what that meant to me, I couldn't avoid crashing into him and wrapping my arms around him. 

A stifled sigh came out of his mouth when my stomach bumped against him and I heard him coughing.

"You're too big to be throwing yourself in me like that."

My only response was to move to the side so that my cheek was on his chest and I smiled happily. 

My reaction might've seemed over exaggerated but after months of seeing Mark make comments and agree with Lauren constantly, knowing he was now on my side made me feel great! It made me feel like I wasn't completely alone, made me feel much more important and less unwanted, and it was all much more than welcome.

"Are you happy that I've had a fight with my girlfriend?" He murmured into my hair. 

"Not that you had a fight with her, but I'm happy about why you were fighting," I said sincerely.

"You're so supportive," he snorted.

I lifted my head to look at him. 

"I'm doing my best."

He raised his hand and ran his fingers softly through my hair while smiling at me.

"I know," he said, and I noticed how his voice became soft. "And I appreciate it. I know it's not easy."

"What isn't easy?" I asked. 

"Seeing me with her."

I looked down and I bit my lip, trying to come up with something to say that didn't sound stupid. Not that what he had said wasn't true, because it was. 

If I told him that it wasn't that bad, he'd realize that I was lying, but if I confirmed what he had said, it would look like I was trying to push him into breaking up with Lauren...not that I'd have been particularly sad about that. 

"Y'know, you're so great, I'm really scared you're gonna get scooped up by someone better than me."

"Don't worry," I said with a laugh. "I don't think that's gonna happen anytime soon."

He pursed his lips and waited a moment.

"Is it weird that I'm happy about that?"

"A little," I said, but my cheeks turned red but I couldn't help but smile. "You want me to live a life of chastity, right?"

The corners of his mouth lifted upward.

"Nah, I think you deserve a little better than that. "

"A little better than that? Wow. Thank you. The prospects look good for my future."

"Okay, okay," he said, feigning exasperation, as he hit the top of my head. "You deserve a guy that loves you and gives you a lot of kids, a big house in the country with a white picket fence and four dogs, happy?"

"Lots of kids?" I chuckled. "Do ya think I want to get pregnant a lot?"

"A while ago you told me that if you met the right guy you'd consider doing it again."

"Yeah, well, that was before I got to the-" I paused there, blushing, then coughed. "Before all the side-effects." 

"So you wouldn't do it again?" He asked.

"I don't know," I said. "Maybe."

"Maybe?"

"If I met someone that really loved me and really wanted to have a baby with me then I'd consider it but, there's a load of side-effects. I'd need ta really love someone to go through this again."

"What if it was me?"

"What?"

"If, in five years, I asked you if we could have another baby, would you say yes?"

I'd heard Mark come out with some odd questions and this had to be the most shocking of them all. It was crazy for him to ask me what I'd say if he asked if we could have another baby! Was this like the time he pretended to kiss me to prove a theory? 

"S-s-sorry?" I finally stammered.

"It's a simple question," he said with a slight shrug.

"You asked me if I want to have another child with you. Nothing is simple about that."

"I didn't ask if you want to" he said, rolling his eyes. "You said that if you found a guy that you really love, you'd consider another pregnancy and last night you said you were in love with me."

"That doesn't mean I want ta have another baby with ya, dumbass," I interrupted with a laugh. 

"I meant in the future, in five or ten years, not now."

"I really don't ... I understand what you're saying," I said hesitantly. "I'm pregnant with your baby now and we aren't keeping it but you're asking me if I want to have another baby with you in the future? That's crazy. Not to mention the fact that you have a girlfriend who'd be pretty happy to have your kids one day or some other girl, one you can talk about with your family and your friends and you can take to get clothes meant for pregnant women and stuff, not this."

I was smiling, my lips slightly bent, but my heart was beating maliciously against my ribcage and there was a slight burning sensation in my chest. 

It really hurt to think of Mark with girls or guys that weren't me and to get married and have a happy life with someone else and to have a baby that isn't ours. 

"I'm happy with this." Mark said softly. 

"How?" I asked. "This whole situation is crazy and there's nothing normal about it. I can't-"

"For God's sake, Jack," he interrupted. "I'm happy and I want you to accept that and I'm so fucking proud of you. I'm proud of you for coming to terms with all this, I am proud of you for being able to think clearly despite all the shit that happened, and I'm happy that this happened with you."

"But ... how?" I asked. "Since all this started, I've ruined your life; you fight with your girlfriend because of me, your friends question you, you had to tell your parents that you got a man pregnant, there isn't a single part of your life I haven't invaded, I'm even in yer house!"

"You think you're a ball and chain, right?" He asked.

His eyes were bright and his lips twitched slightly, as if trying not to smile.

"I guess so?" I said hesitantly.

"Well, then," he said. "I suppose I should tell you that you're not at a ball and chain. I love having you around, I love your company and I appreciate the fact that you're here because I get to keep an eye on you."

"But Lauren-"

"Oh, fuck Lauren, who cares about her?"

My eyes widened at his words and I blinked in confusion. It took a few seconds for Mark to realise as his mouth dropped and he turned his head away. 

"I- Mark?" I said nervously.

"Sorry," he said, averting his eyes from me. "That came out a little...harsh."

"A little?" I said incredulously. "You just said you don't care about yer girlfriend."

"No, no, I just-"

He paused and took a deep breath before lifting his eyes again and meet mine.

"That came out wrong. Obviously I care about her, I mean just that ... she has nothing to do with this situation, she's irrelevant."

"You- Mark, Christ, you're going to have a baby," I said, looking at him with an exasperated expression. "The fact that she has nothing to do with the situation, does not mean she's irrelevant. Especially not when you- well, when we have feelings for each other." 

"What she doesn't know can't hurt her," he finally said.

I sighed.

"Whatever," I said, not exactly agree with what he said.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, why?"

"It seems as if you have something to say." I had something to say, but I didn't know wether to say it out loud. 

"It's just that- are you with Lauren because you want to be or because you feel like you have to be?" I didn't even have the courage to look at him when I said it. He was silent for so long. 

"Obviously I'm with her because I want to be," he waved his hand, his voice was calm and strangely cold. "I want to be with her, Jack," he continued, his voice low, but now he just sounded sad. "I like you a lot, but I want to be with her." 

I bit my lip to stop it from shaking and it took a few more seconds before I was able to speak. 

"But why?" I asked, almost whispering. "You- you said you know she's a bitch, you told me you loved me so why her?"

He took a deep breath. 

"I just want to be with her. I have my reasons," he said, and there was a sense of finality in his voice that told me that this discussion was over.

For now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eventful chapter but, on a good note, Dodger knows and now Jack has a lot of people to look after him ^_^ 
> 
> I can see this is almost at 400 kudos! That's seriously amazing! Ahhh!
> 
> Have a good day/night!


	27. Do you have a theory?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack is one step closer to getting answers, Mark has crossed the line and Ara just wants Mark to be happy.

Wednesday, April 27  
Thirty-six weeks 

"Bad night?" Ara asked as she sat next to me with a cup of coffee in hand. 

"Gracie was kicking all night," I mumbled. I rubbed my eyes and let out a loud yawn. 

"Then you should go lie down, you've still got a while before you need to leave."

"I can't, I have to take a shower, get dressed and everything."

She frowned.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, Ara." I said with a small smile. 

She smiled back, but it faded, she was worried, really worried. 

"I don't like that you're stressed out because of Mark, you only have four weeks left and it's really not healthy, you boys really need to stop fighting."

"How do ya-" I froze then shook my head. "It doesn't matter."

"The walls are pretty thin," she said, shrugging and I began to realise that I'd talked with Mark about a lot of things; from the baby to my feelings and several aspects of my personal life. 

"Oh," was all I managed to say.

"Don't worry," she said. "I don't listen too much but I've heard quite a lot, so what happened?"

"We discussed some stuff," I explained. "It's just- well, it doesn't matter because whenever we talk, we fight or one of us ends up embarrassed or stressed out or something like that."

"And whose fault is that?"

I sighed.

"I guess both of us, I'm the one that questions everything but he's the one that makes it a bigger problem than it was at first and he's so damn stupid sometimes." I sighed. 

She pursed her lips thoughtfully and took a sip coffee.

"I can't understand why you can't both sit down and talk about this, you know what the problem is so it should be easy to work out."

"In theory, it's simple," I muttered. "But it's really hard."

"I thought you both admitted you had feelings for each other," she said, frowning. 

"Yeah, but he wants Lauren," I said, trying to smile. quite sure that you have failed. "It's her he wants, not me."

She opened her mouth, apparently to protest, but I continued before she could speak. 

"It's fine with me," I said. "I never thought he'd want ta be with me, I'm still surprised he feels anything more than friendship."

It was obvious that there was something she wanted to say, there was this look in her eyes but she said nothing, just stared at me with a pitying look. A couple of seconds later, I muttered an apology and stood up mumbling about how I had to shower, as I approached the door, Ara spoke up. 

"It's like you've given up," she said. 

I wasn't sure whether to take it as an insult or just as an observation, so it made me a little nervous about how I should respond.

"I'm not giving up," I sighed. "I'm just accepting the truth, I won't be that person that doesn't give up and I won't be the one that takes away what he has, he's happy."

"And you sure he's happy?" Ara asked after a brief moment of silence.

"I- well, yes," I said slowly.

I saw her frown and she stared at me, she took a sip of her coffee then raised her eyebrow. 

"You don't want him to be with Lauren, do you?"

"I want him to be happy," was the response I got as she stood up and emptied the last drops of her coffee into the sink. "I should get ready for work," she added. She put the cup into the dishwasher and walked past me, petting my shoulder as she left. 

I stood there for a while, trying to figure out what she'd just said. 

Did she think Mark wasn't happy? Did she think Mark would be happier with me? Did she want us to be together? Or was she using my attraction to Mark to let me fantasize? 

I had to snap myself out of it. I had to move, this wasn't what I should've been thinking about. I glanced at the clock and realised it was now 10:15, I cursed under my breath and decided to head straight for the bathroom. 

I quickly undressed, throwing my sweat pants and my sweater in a pile in the corner and then I glanced at my reflection, sighing a little and resting my hands on the bump. 

"You're getting bigger, don't ya think it's time to get out?" I waited and smiled. "Yeah, I know, it's still too soon."

My stomach was the cause of one or two drawbacks when it came time to taking a shower. It was constantly bumping against the glass and the walls and it was the cause for me almost slipping whenever I tried to reach the shelf that the shampoo sat on. That is why it took me longer than usual to shower but I somehow survived. 

I picked up the clothes I'd thrown to the side and went back to the room to find something "acceptable" to wear. 

These days, acceptable was anything that would fit - giant shirts, sweaters and sweatpants, which I was wildly opposed to wearing in public before all of this. 

After that was when I found myself standing in front of the mirror.  
I couldn't help but wonder how Mark could find me attractive like this, I didn't feel good and I definitely didn't look good; I was giant, my skin was breaking out and my ass was fucking huge, the only comfort I had was that this baby would be out of me by the end of the month. 

Out of me and my life.

I winced a little at that, I didn't know how the adoption process worked but I guessed that they'd take her, more or less, right after she was born. 

Or maybe not? They couldn't force us to let go of her, maybe we'd be allowed to keep her for a day or two? Just because I wanted to meet her, I wanted to see her before she left. 

As I stood there thinking about all of this, I heard a knock at the door. 

"Jack?" I heard Mark yell. 

I replied with a quick "come in," and a moment later, the door opened and Mark stepped in. He looked tired, that was the first thing I noticed when he came in, his face was stuck in a frown and he had bags under his eyes, it was kinda worrying. 

"Are you okay?" I asked as he closed the door behind him. "You don't look good, man."

He smiled faintly as he walked to the bed and sat on it.

"It wouldn't be a lie if I said this has been the longest day of my life." He grumbled. 

I frowned and sat down beside him. 

"What happened?" I asked. 

"Everything went to shit today," he huffed. "Lauren's still mad at me, I suck at Japanese and Felix and Cry had a fight, they're on each other's backs constantly, they'll argue about anything! What food they're getting, who's sitting where, who wants to go get water, you name it, they're fighting about it! And to top it off, they're both acting like everyone else has done something wrong and they'll barely talk to us."

An unpleasant feeling of emptiness formed in my chest and I tried with all my might not to show concern.

"Why did ya say you suck at Japanese?" I asked, trying not to dwell on the Cry and Felix subject - it was kind of worrying me that they were fighting but I couldn't bring that up, not unless I wanted to explain why it made me feel like that. 

"'Cause I suck," he said with a short laugh.

"I'm sure you don't suck," I said hesitantly.

"I'm below average, Jack," he said. "So yeah, I suck."

He looked so defeated that my heart jumped in my chest and a strange mix of pity and sadness enveloped me. With a little hesitation, I leaned my hand on his cheek and smiled at him, stroking it with my thumb. 

"It'll be okay," I said softly. "Even if you think ya suck, yer gonna be fine."

He turned his head to look at me and smiled when our eyes met. 

"Your hand is soft," was all he said.

"Thanks, I think." I laughed.

"Kinda like a girls."

"Shut up," I shot back, rolling my eyes and instantly pulling my hand away from his cheek, crossing my arms across my chest in annoyance. 

"Well, that was a beautiful moment."

"It lasted for a full two seconds," I pointed out, but I couldn't help smiling.

"Yeah, it was still nice though," he said, and to my relief, smiled back. "We should go, we've only got twenty minutes before we need to be there."

"Oh right, okay" I said, for a second I'd forgotten about the appointment. 

He stood up then held out a hand to help me stand, once I was on my feet, he gave this dumb grin and I knew he was going to say something. 

"Your clothing choices have really changed since I first met you." 

I looked down, pulling at the hem of my shirt. 

"It's kinda hard ta find something that'll fit me these days." I mumbled miserably, pouting. 

"Hey, I was just kidding," he said with a little laugh before taking a step forwards and wrapping his arms around me, at least he tried to, he just bumped against my stomach awkwardly but he leaned around it to hug me anyway. 

"Gracie's in the middle," he laughed, "Normal hugs aren't possible anymore thanks to her."

"Well, I'm gonna be back to normal soon," I said with a smile. I couldn't wait to be myself again, really be myself again and I'd like to look in the mirror and not hate what I see eventually. 

"That's gonna be strange, I'm so used to seeing you like this."

"My ass has never been this fat." I chuckled. 

"I like your ass," he smirked, he then winked at me and I felt my heart rate increase - this amount of stress on my heart was gonna kill me one day. 

"Let's just go," I said once I recovered, ignoring his stupid fucking grin. 

A while later, we were in the car, we'd been quiet for a while and it was more comforting than anything else. 

"Are you nervous?" Mark asked. 

I turned my head to look at him. 

"For the tests I mean."

I turned back and thought about the question for a few seconds.

"I dunno," I said sincerely. "I'm nervous about the results, not the actual tests."

"But she said she's gotta put a finger in your ass," he said. "Aren't you worried about that?"

"I have bigger things to think about."

It took me a second or two before I realized what I'd just said, and when I did, I felt my face turning red. 

"Don't you dare comment on that."

"I won't," he said, but I held him stifle laughter and I knew he was trying really hard not to comment. 

"Now that we've talked about that," he said. "What other tests do you think they'll do?"

I shrugged. 

"I don't know, but I can guarantee they're not gonna be pleasant."

When we got to the hospital, it was 10:50 but we had to spend an extra ten minutes trying to figure out where the hell we were going, but eventually we entered the right room and found Dr Hayes sitting with a man, a nurse, who introduced himself as 'George Prescott'. 

The first test they did was take blood samples, George put a needle in my arm and he took so much blood that I could've sworn he'd taken all of the blood in my arm. God, I really hated this. Mark sat next to me and held my hand while this happened, running his thumb over my knuckles in an attempt to comfort me, it was safe to say that it worked for the most part. 

Then I was asked to piss in a bottle -Mark found that pretty amusing - and when I left the bathroom, Dr Hayes had George take the bottle. 

"Okay, Sean," said George, he opened a cabinet and began to take various things out of it. "Could you remove anything from the waist down and lie on that bed over there," he pointed to my left. "Then we can get stared." He then handed me a hospital gown and offered a smile. 

I already knew what was about to happen. I grimaced and turned to Mark. 

"You really don't have ta stay here," I said.

"I came with you, right?" He said, smiling softly. "I'll stay and I'll hold your hand and all that."

I raised an eyebrow and he just smiled, so I opted not to say anything. Instead, I did what the nurse asked. 

I felt naked in that position, wearing just a hospital gown that reached my knees. Mark looked like he was about to start laughing any second. 

"You aren't allowed to laugh at me," I said, sourly. 

"I'm not laughing," he said, raising his arms in surrender. "But you look so fucking cute like that."

I didn't have the opportunity to respond, as George began to speak again, he asked me to lay down on the bed. Despite the urge to turn and leave, I did what he asked. I saw Mark grab one of the plastic chairs and drag it over to the table. 

"You don't look happy," he pondered; yeah, like I'd be happy about this.

"Would you be?"

"No, not really," he shook his head. "It's gonna be over soon, then I'll take you out for lunch." 

I smiled. 

"Take me out?"

"If you want me to, yeah."

"I feel like a mess," I said. "Could we just go home and you can make me food?"

He smiled and nodded. 

"Sure, if that's what you want."

Dr Hayes stood behind me as she pulled on her gloves, halting our conversation. 

"Okay, Sean, can you bring your knees up to your chest? as far as you can." 

I let out a sigh and looked up at Mark who was just smiling at me. Without saying anything, he leaned forwards and laced our fingers together. The sound of a lid being popped reached my ears, that had to be the lube. I instantly looked back up at Mark which prompted him to squeeze my hand. 

"This will be a little cold and unpleasant," Dr Hayes warned as she pulled the gown up. I suddenly felt more exposed than I'd ever been and I'd literally fucked a guy outside where anybody could see. 

"Okay," I half-whispered. 

"Your haemorrhoids, from what I see, are fine, they're barely visible"

The first intrusion was painful. It was horrible, in fact, and it was a completely different feeling than when I did it alone, or when there was literally a dick in my ass. Even that was less uncomfortable. 

I pushed my face into the bed so that Mark couldn't see me. Apparently, he noticed my clear discomfort, he didn't say anything but just continued to run his thumb across my hand. 

For a while I lay there, slowly getting used to the pain and trying not to think about what was going on back there. But then, to my surprise, a strange tingling feeling radiated across my spin and I jolted a little, then I heard Dr Hayes mumbling "hmm..." She sounded almost confused. 

"George, would you mind coming here a moment?" She said. 

That couldn't be good. 

"I-Is there something wrong?" I asked nervously. 

"I'm not sure," was the only answer I received. I realised George had taken Dr Hayes place behind me and I heard the snap of the rubber gloves. Soon enough the whole town would know what the inside of my ass was like. 

After a while, it happened again and the ticking feeling returned, shooting up my spine. I heard Dr Hayes and George talking behind me but I could barely hear a word, I presumed that was their intention. 

"We can't know for sure without an X-Ray." George mumbled. 

"We can't do X-Rays" said Dr. Hayes. "He's too far along, the risks are too high."

"Why would he need X-Ray's?" Mark asked as I opened my mouth to ask the same. 

The room became silent and I turned gaze to Mark. He wasn't looking at me, he was looking straight ahead at the doctor and the nurse, he looked almost as worried as I felt. Mark didn't speak again and neither did George or Dr Hayes, it felt like an eternity as everyone just stared at each other and I was almost ready to scream, just to create some noise. 

They made their way around the table to stand in front of me. 

"Well ..." Dr Hayes began hesitantly. "It's impossible to know until we do the x-ray but I'll try to make as much sense out of it as possible," she paused for a few seconds and turned her gaze to George and then back to me. "It appears that you, as well as having all the normal parts of the rectal system, have, well, another opening."

I blinked once.

Twice.

Three times.

"A-a w-what-"

"Like I said, it is impossible for us to say for sure at the moment until we've done some x-rays," she interrupted quickly. "And we can't do those until the baby's born."

"But does that mean I have another...y'know?"

"We don't know," George said. "All we know right now is that your rectum isn't formed normally-" he explained as he pointed to a diagram on the wall. "But all the normal parts are intact."

As soon as I turned my gaze towards him with a mixture of horror and confusion, he approached the diagram and I decided it was time to sit up and, with Mark's help, I found myself sitting upright. 

"See this?" He asked, pointing to a something that looked like a disgusting pink sponge. I nodded. 

"This is where the prostate is located, if you were a woman then that's where the vaginal canal would be located."

I wasn't liking where this was going. 

"In fact you have a prostate, of course, but you see that?"

He pointed to this triangular shaped thing above the sponge which was apparently the prostate, I nodded. 

"This is your bladder. Now, from the tests that we have just carried out, we can say that you have a kind of opening here- " he pointed to another part of the diagram, just above the prostate "which, biologically speaking, shouldn't be here."

A deathly silence enveloped the entire room while I tried to understand what George was saying. 

"So his asshole is split in two?" Mark questioned. 

"His rectum," George corrected, giving Mark a disapproving glance. "It isn't necessarily divided into two, no, but there's something that shouldn't be there."

"But what is it?" Mark asked. "And why hasn't he noticed that before now, y'know, when he's done all that stuff."

There were times in my life when I really wanted to kill someone. Right now, Mark was the one I wanted to kill. 

"We won't be able to find out exactly what it is until the baby's born," said Dr. Hayes, smiling comfortingly. "He probably hasn't noticed because it's so small, you wouldn't be able to find it unless you were looking for something out of the ordinary."

The doctor turned to me.

"Have you ever noticed that before, Sean?"

I shook my head. 

"Well, I think it's safe to say that whatever it is, it probably has something to do with your ability to get pregnant."

I swallowed and, once again, I had to force myself to stay calm before issuing a small laugh. 

"Well, we've found something."

"Definitely. Once the baby is born, we can make an appointment to do the x-rays if you want."

I nodded immediately.

"Yeah, I do."

She nodded before pulling out a small notebook, writing something down then she looked back up at me and smiled. 

"Well, I think that's all for today," she said. "If you don't have any questions," she added, looking back and forth between me and Mark.

I shook my head but Mark spoke. 

"Do you have any theories what that thing is, or why it's there?" He asked. I saw the doctors exchanged a few glances.

"I don't think we can come up with any solid theories until we understand it more which would be when the x-rays are done."

"Do you have a theory?" Mark urged.

She pursed her lips and stared at the floor for a moment.

"I don't think we can totally eliminate the possibility that some components of the female reproductive system are involved."

The female reproductive system? I literally had to force myself not to cry, what the fuck did I do to deserve this? 

I was in love with a guy that didn't want me, I was a pregnant man and there was a possibility that I had parts of the female reproductive system. I was a fucking freak of nature, no doubt about that. 

I couldn't blame Ian and Ma for kicking me out, I couldn't blame Mark for not wanting to be with me, I couldn't blame anybody for avoiding me or disliking me. 

I'm a freak. 

Fifteen minutes later, I was ready to leave, go home and curl up into a ball for a few hours but Dr Hayes spoke before I could leave. 

"Jack, you've never brought up the adoption issue," he said. "Have you changed your mind and decided to keep her?"

I noticed the way Mark's body went rigid at my side and I lowered my head down and shook it.

"No, I- we haven't changed our minds." I told her. 

"Oh." She looked surprised. "Well, then we really need to start the process. When a baby is put up for adoption, the process usually begins three or four months before the actual birth, I noticed you hadn't brought it up so I assumed you'd gone through with it yourselves or you'd decided to keep her."

I shook my head again, but this time I was looking at her.

"No, we haven't started anything." I said. "But ... How would we, y'know, start that?"

"I can make an appointment for you with a friend of mine who works in the adoption agency. She won't judge you and your child will most definitely end up in safe hands."

"Okay," I said with a forced smile. "So, we're done for today?" 

"Almost," she said. "We need to make another appointment for the next time. Are you free next week? Monday, maybe?"

*

Shortly after that, when Mark and I were back in the car, I noticed the silence between us was heavy and uncomfortable. 

"So we're really giving her up for adoption?"

Oh fantastic. 

"You knew that already. We talked about it and we agreed it's what's best."

"I know." He stopped for a second. "But I thought that I could change your mind."

I shook my head.

"No, you can't."

"It's gonna be difficult," he said quietly. "Giving her away like it's nothing."

"We aren't giving her away like it's nothing," I muttered. "I know it's the best thing to do. You agreed with me, you can't change your mind now, not when we're so close to the end, Mark." 

"I can't understand why you want to give up your own child." He spat. "It's ridiculous."

"And I can't understand why you're such an idiot that you can't think about her for a minute, she's the reason why I'm doing this because I want to give her a good life, because I want her to grow up with parents that can give her everything she deserves."

"No matter how special they are or how much they love her, they'll never be her real parents."

"Oh, grow up!" I told him, rolling my eyes. "Just because they didn't have her doesn't mean that they don't love her like she's theirs, it doesn't mean they won't treat her like their own! The only reason you wanna keep her is because you have this messed up idea that we're able to look after this baby together!"

"And the only reason you don't want to keep her is because you don't care enough about her to be a parent!" Mark argued, his grip on the steering wheel tightening, his face turning an angry shade of red. 

My breath caught in my throat, my eyes narrowed and I felt anger boiling inside of me. It was when we pulled up to the driveway that I exploded. 

"Don't you dare, Mark," I said, my voice cold. "I'm the only one here with someone growing inside of them, I'm the only ones that feels her kick, the one that talks ta her at night ta keep her calm and I'm the only one who has to put up with knowing that I can never give her the kinda life she deserves and I wanna keep her so, so much, d'ya know how much that sucks?" My hands gripped my shirt, my knuckles turning white. "Don't you dare tell me I don't care about her, she's the only reason I'm doing this so don't!" 

I tried to open the door but, of course, the door was locked and I had no choice but to wait for Mark to open the door for me. When he got out of the car and opened the door, I stormed past him and straight to my room. 

It was a shame that There wasn't a lock on this room door because I really, really didn't feel like talking to anybody. 

Fortunately there was still a couple of hours before anyone would come home; Ara and Mark's dad, Ralph, we're still at work, the twins wouldn't be home until Ara was home, and if I was extremely lucky Mark would've gone back to school. 

I lay down on the bed carefully, laying on my side with my back to the door. 

"Don't think I don't care about you, Gracie," I mumbled. "That's just what yer dad thinks of me, he thinks I'm too heartless to care about you." I swallowed hard. "You're not gonna think that one day, are ya? That I don't love you or care about you and that's why I gave you away? I know that ya probably can't hear me and, if you can, ya can't understand me but I love you so much, I need ya to know that," I stopped and sighed. "But I can't keep ya, I haven't even finished high school, I have no job, no money, I have no family to help me, I won't be able to look after you and that hurts more than anything, knowing I couldn't ever be able ta give you everything you deserve." I rubbed my belly in small, circular motions and I found myself trying to hold back tears. "I might be a freak but I'm not heartless and I'm not bad. Not when it comes ta you, and yer dad, he's not bad he's just dumb, I-I love you both. The problem is that you'll never know because you'll never have the chance ta know and he'll never know because it looks like he doesn't want ta know, he wants Lauren."

A couple of kicks were given in response, and I let out a strangled laugh.

"Sometimes I wonder if you can really hear me when I speak to ya because every time I do, ya kick," I said.

I lay there, I took a short break just to admire my stomach, to see how round and ... pregnant I was. I was about to speak again when I heard someone coughing. 

When I turned, Mark was there, leaning against the door and he wore a frown on his face, his eyes were stuck on me. 

"How long have ya been there?" I asked.

"Long enough," was all he said. He spent another few seconds in silence before he began to move towards my bed. He stopped there, hesitant but then he lay down on his side next to me. His stomach touched mine and our faces were only a few centimeters from each other. 

"I'm sorry," he said softly, his eyes pleading. "I'm sorry about ... well, you know."

I sighed and turned my gaze to the bed. 

"How many times do ya expect me to forgive you, Mark?"

"I don't expect you to forgive me, but I need you to know that I'm sorry."

I sighed again and then looked to him. 

"You know, if this was the first time you said something out of line I'd have said it was okay and we could just forget about it," I said. "But you- whenever you're upset, angry, sad or something, you say and do stupid shit and then you apologise and I forgive you, it's a vicious cycle, and it's great that ya know when you've done or said something wrong but you need to stop. It isn't fair, none of this is fair, these stupid slip-ups are gonna get you in a lot more trouble one day."

"I know," he muttered. "I know, I'll think before I speak, but I'm so sorry Jack, please, I need you to know that."

He smiled weakly.

"I know that but-" Mark reached out and laced our fingers together, resting our hands on my belly. "I don't forgive you this time," I said finally.

He didn't seem surprised, a little disappointed but not at all surprised. 

"Okay," he said quietly and tightened his grip on my hand 

"You said I don't care about Gracie." I told him. "That was a step too far, believe me Mark, I want to keep her but I need ta think about all of us, especially her, I don't think we can look after her, we aren't ready, I need ya to see it from my point of view."

"I disagree with you," he said cautiously, as if trying not to anger me. "I don't agree with you at all. I think we can give her a perfectly wonderful life, and I'm not saying this because I can't bear giving her to someone else; I'm saying it because I believe it, I really do." 

I shook my head, but it was an indifferent gesture. 

"Mark, please," I whispered hoarsely, I didn't want to argue, k didn't want to hear what he thought because it just made this whole situation a lot worse. I knew we weren't ready, we could barely sort out our own lives never mind a baby's life. 

He shook his head, preventing me from continuing on. 

"Forget about it for now," he said. "I won't argue with you, not now."

Forget about it for how long exactly? In less than a month this baby would be here. Less than a month was all that was left before this all ended and we still had a lot to do, a lot to talk about. We couldn't hold it off much longer. 

"We'll deal with it later," He added.

I thought to myself that this delay was probably not a good idea, but I was tired, I felt like I was going to either pass out or cry, maybe both, and I didn't really want to argue with Mark. 

He smiled and leaned his head a little before leaning over and placing a kiss on my head, his hand rested on my cheek, then he leaned down and kissed me, it didn't last long but I still felt like a damn idiot for letting it happen again. 

He pulled back and smiled, I didn't know what to say, as I opened my mouth to say something, he spoke. 

"Sleep," he mumbled and kissed my lips again.

I felt a strange sense of satisfaction and nodded, burrowing my head into the pillow and closing my eyes. Sleep was definitely what I needed right now. 

We could always talk later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so...I'm two days later than usual but I can explain! My new job is one that sometimes has me in until late at night so the past two days have been...tiring to say the least! Working at a bar's great until you have to pry two grown men off each other and kick them out the front door haha! 
> 
> Either way, the chapter, we're a step closer to figuring out what's going on with Jack's body and Mark...he goofed again. 
> 
> Have a good day/night!


	28. I want to be happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack is bored, Felix needs advice and Mark has a lot to say.

Thursday, April 28th  
Thirty-six weeks

When I woke up on Thursday morning, I had a nagging feeling in my stomach. 

For a moment I'd forgotten about that God-awful conversation with Mark but then it all came flooding back, I hit my head against the pillow and groaned in annoyance. 

The fact that we didn't talk about it was making me frustrated, maybe I should've been more persistent when it came to talking to him. 

There was less than a month left until Gracie would be here, in less than a month I'd planned to give her away and we'd agreed but Mark had decided to tell me that he had no intentions of actually giving her up. 

It was ten o'clock in the morning and I was already in a bad mood.

With a little moan, and a lot of struggling, I sat up and dropped my legs off the edge of the bed. I sat there for a while, rubbing my eyes and patting my stomach like I did every morning and - oh.

I blinked and looked down where my hands were still resting on my stomach and felt instinctively panicked. There was mild pain in my lower abdomen, as if my insides were being squeezed. The feeling wasn't really painful - maybe just a little bit - but it was unpleasant and left me with a nagging feeling of discomfort. 

The feeling was similar but a hundred times less painful than the pain last week. Thank God. But still, that couldn't be a good sign, right? Maybe it was normal to feel like this at this stage in the pregnancy? 

I swallowed.

Less than a month she'd be here and in less than a month, she'd be gone. 

I shook my head quickly, not feeling the need to get into an internal argument with myself about all of this, it just made me sad. The average life of a pregnant teenage boy, right?

This was ridiculous. 

Now I was the only one that wanted to give her up; Mark had clearly said that he didn't want that, and he wanted to keep her and raise her, so the only 'obstacle' here was me. I was the only one left to make the right decision, even if Mark didn't agree with it.

After all that time spent trying to make it clear to Mark that giving Gracie up for adoption would be best for everyone, it would be stupid - not to mention selfish- to change my mind. 

Not that I had changed my mind though; I kept thinking about what I had said about her, Mark and myself. It would be better if we gave up for adoption.

Or, well, the baby would be better off, and so would Mark and I, physically and emotionally speaking, but I knew that I'd feel terrible for days, weeks, maybe months or years after she was taken away. 

But giving her up was still the best decision. 

I sighed and looked down at my stomach.

"I really hope ya don't hate me one day," I said softly.

There wasn't another kick but I felt discomfort in my abdomen again, I waited a second for it to pass. Then she kicked. 

"Are you making fun of me, mm?" I said to my stomach and gave another little pat before heading - or shuffling - towards my closet to get dressed.

I spent the day sitting on my bed, leaning over a mountain of pillows, reading and trying to work on a few chapters of my math textbook but any attempt to do so was futile, I found myself having to scare myself into doing it with the thought that I could finish high school having failed fifty percent of my subjects and I had no choice but to read. 

And read. 

And read. 

And read. 

At 4, I heard the faint sound of the front door being opened and closed shortly after and, thinking it was Mark coming home from school, I got up from the bed and left the room.

To my dismay, I found that it wasn't Mark at the entrance, it was Ara, Daryl and Michael. 

"Oh, hello," I said when my eyes met Ara's. "I thought ... I thought it was Mark."

"Oh, Mark went to Felix's after school." She said as she helped Daryl - or maybe it was Michael- untie his shoelaces. 

My shoulders slumped and I replied with a muttered "oh". Not that I was particularly looking forward to picking up that conversation from yesterday but, god, I'd been alone all day and starting up that conversation was much more appealing than sitting in a quiet room for any longer. 

Mark and I fought a lot but he was good company, I suppose, and...I still missed him. Just a little bit. 

"He said he'll be home around seven," she said, and the way she smiled made me realize she knew exactly what I was thinking. 

I nodded, and was about to turn around and go back to my room when I noticed the shopping bags at her feet. 

"Need help with that?" I asked, motioning toward them.

At least my manners had remained intact.

She smiled wide and shook her head. 

"It looks like it's hard for you to just stand there, no thank you Jack, I can do it myself."

"Oh, but I-"

"Go and sit down," she interrupted me and gave me a look that clearly said "I'm tired of discussing these things with you."

I lowered my gaze but smiled.

"Okay, but let me know if ya need help with something."

"Unless the house catches fire, I won't need you for anything dear." 

*

Mark didn't come home at seven. 

Or at eight.

Or at nine.

Or ten.

As it approached eleven, I became worried - or at least curious about where Mark was - and picked up my phone, scrolling through the contact list until I found 'Markimoo'. 

"Jack, is everything okay?" Was the answer I got after the third ring. 

"Yeah, everything's fine," I said, calmly. 

"Okay, so ... why did you call me?"

I began playing with the hem of my shirt nervously. 

"Nothing, I was just ... y'know, wondering why ya weren't home

"I'm at Felix's place. Didn't my mom tell you?" He asked. "I asked her to tell you."

"Yeah, no, she told me," I said quickly. "But she said you'd be back at seven and ya weren't so..."

"Oh. I sent her a message to tell her I was staying here, I guess she hasn't read it."

"No, I suppose she hasn't."  
I hesitated for a second.

"So I won't see you 'till tomorrow?"

"I don't think so until, at least, tomorrow night." He said, slowly. "I have a game at five and then me and Lauren are going out," he explained. "And I might stay the night at Lauren's so, I might not see you until Saturday."

I instantly felt sad, my heart tightened in my chest and dropped into my stomach and I had to swallow before I answered. 

"Oh, okay," I said, a small tone of defeat clung to my voice.

"Oh, no, Jack, I'm sorry," he said pleadingly. "I should've-"

"No, no, it's fine," I interrupted, trying to sound like I was unaffected but the news he'd given me. "You don't have'ta tell me when ya go somewhere."

"I feel like I should, especially when I go away for the night," he said. "We have to have that talk, I really should've told you if I was going away, especially since it's for the night."

"It's okay, Mark, really," I said, is a time with a small smile though. "I'll see ya on Saturday, I think."

"Yes, absolutely," he said. "We'll do something fun, okay?"

"Fun?" I asked skeptically. "I can barely walk."

"Okay, fine, but I want you to do something other than sit in your room all day."

"Like what? "

"Like go out for lunch, go see a movie, have a picnic at the park, or ... Yeah, something that won't tire you out."

"Always a positive. But ... Yeah, I can do all that, as long as I don't have to walk too much."

I heard him laugh and it made me smile too. It probably made me look like a lovesick puppy. 

"I'm sure we can pull something together," he murmured.

There was a brief silence.

"So, why are you still awake? You're usually asleep by ten."

My cheeks warmed slightly.

"I was just, y'know ... waiting," I said hesitantly.

"I miss you too," he told me.

My face flushed pink but this time with happiness. 

"I never said that I miss you," I countered. 

"No, but I know you do, it isn't hard to read you, even through a phone call."

I was about to reply with a sarcastic comment, but before I got there, I heard a different voice on the other end of the phone.

"Mark? Why'd you run away?"

The voice sounded frighteningly like Felix. Which it would make sense considering that Mark was at his house. 

"You left him to tell me that you miss me?" I asked, raising my eyebrows despite knowing that he couldn't see me. 

"Sorry," he said. "It's just that-"

"I know, it's just that-" Mark sighed. "He's a miserable asshole." Mark muttered followed by a shout of protest from Felix. 

"Well, you are," Mark said sourly. "And you won't tell me why."

"Because none of your business."

"I'm one of your best friends!"

"Am I not allowed secrets?"

"Yeah, but this secrets making you miserable, I'm worried."

"Can I talk to Jack?"

"Why?"

"Because I want to talk to him."

"Does he know what's going on?" Mark questioned. "If he knows something I don't then I'm gonna be seriously offended."

"He doesn't," Felix said, the lie seemed to slip past his lips so easily. "But I want to talk to him. Please?"

"Okay, okay," grumbled Mark. "Apparently Felix wants to talk to you," he added, now speaking to me instead of Felix. 

"Yeah, I heard," I said dryly. "Give him the phone."

"You're eager to get rid of me, aren't you?"

"Yes."

"Thanks."

I heard him laugh briefly.

"See you Saturday then, we can do that thing."

"Yeah." I paused. "I can't wait."

"Me neither," he said, I could tell he was smiling. "Say goodnight to Gracie for me, tell her I'm sorry I'm not there to say it myself and that I love her, okay?"

"Sure."

"Okay. Good night, sleep tight," he said softly.

"You too," I said with a small sigh.

I heard Mark mutter something to Felix. 

There was silence for a few seconds, then a door closing and Felix's voice come through the phone. 

"Hey bro," he said. "How're you feeling?"

"Good," I said dismissively, eager to get this over with and go to sleep. "Apparently I can't say the same about you."

I then heard him sigh and he began to speak really quietly. 

"Cry's an asshole," he said bluntly. Apparently, keeping their problems quiet wasn't one of Felix's strong points. "We always said we were gonna wait 'till we graduated until we told anyone but now he wants to tell people, he says that it's better 'cause then we won't look like we've lied and all that bullshit, he's pissy 'cause I told him I don't wanna come out until we're leaving but he really wanted me to see it the way he did. We yelled a lot, I mean a lot, and I told him to go fuck himself and he told me that if that's the case then I just shouldn't talk to him."

I took a deep breath and I pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to register all the information I'd just been fed. 

"You haven't broke up, have ya?" I asked. 

"I don't know," his voice cracked. "I'd come out now if it meant I didn't lose him...I can't lose him, I really can't. I don't know what I'd do without him, it's too much to even think about, I can't lose him."

It was heartbreaking, Felix and Cry were always attached at the hip and now they were fighting, Felix sounded so heartbroken that I couldn't help but feel pretty bad about it. 

"I don't really know what ta say," I said. "But ... talk to him. Maybe it sounds stupid but, believe it or not, talking is actually a good way ta resolve problems."

There was silence for a minute, then Felix sighed. 

"What if he leaves me?"

"He won't."

"You don't know that."

"I'm pretty sure."

"Why?"

"Because the way Cry talks about you, you're literally the only person he imagines himself with so believe me, he's not leaving you."

"You don't-"

"Okay, look," I interrupted wearily. "You were the one that told me, a long time ago, to speak to Mark so now oh need ta take yer own advice; talk to Cry. Talk ta him, make this right before it's too late."

I might've been more blunt than I'd usually be but I blame that on how tired I was. 

"Yeah, okay." Felix muttered. "I should probably get back to Mark so, I'll see you later bro." 

"Bye Felix."

Friday, April 29  
Thirty-six weeks 

My Friday was...lonely to say the least. 

Dodger called to check up on me, Juliet called to ask how I was doing and that was really all that happened, my life had been reduced to sitting on my bed working through textbooks. 

My life before the baby hadn't been exciting but at least k was able to go on a walk without feeling like I was going to keel over. 

Nothing really happened until lunch. 

I was standing in the kitchen, I'd just grabbed the cheese when I, subsequently, dropped the package on the floor. The contractions were back, similar to those I had felt the day before. It was more prominent but not painful, more annoying than anything but it made me extremely worried. 

Maybe it was something I should've been concerned about? Or maybe it was just something that happened this far along, I didn't know but I decided to wait it out, if I told Mark then he'd go crazy and insist I'd have to go to the doctor immediately, all of that. I was sure she was okay, Gracie was okay. 

I looked down to where the pack of cheese sat. I couldn't leave it there so I squatted down to pick it up and promptly I fell on my ass. 

I couldn't handle my own weight if I wasn't standing up apparently. I sat there for a good five minutes, glaring at the cheese and my own stomach before I picked it up and decided to attempt getting up. It took more than a minute, I'll tell you that, and by the time I was upright I was huffing and puffing, fighting to regain my breath. 

After I finally finished making and eating lunch, I found the way to my room and returned to my usual position on the bed and stayed there until Ara was home and had come to tell me dinner was ready if I was hungry. 

If I was hungry.

I almost laughed at that. 

It was strange that I didn't feel weird sitting at a table with people I'd known for no more than a few weeks, and it was weird that I didn't feel out of place sitting at the table with Mark's family without him. It was really nice, though, and even though it might sound sad, I felt more at home at this table than I did in my Ma's house after Ian came around. 

After dinner, I took a nap. It looked like I really needed it because the second my head hit the pillow I was out, gone, asleep. 

I didn't wake up again until nine forty-five and even then I didn't do much but change my clothes and brush my teeth before I fell back asleep. 

My life had became exciting, right?

Saturday, April 30  
Thirty-six weeks. 

When I woke up again, it was clear that someone had been in my room, the lamp on the bedside table had been turned off even though I was pretty sure that I'd left it on and the pile of clothes I'd left at the side of my bed were folded on top of the desk. 

I spent a good twenty seconds wondering what woke me up, it wasn't my alarm clock, when I looked outside it was still night and I couldn't even remember how long it'd been since the last time I woke up in the middle of the night of my own free will. 

Probably eight months ago. 

I was about to close my eyes and go back to sleep when I heard a loud thud, followed by another bang right outside the door. Despite feeling nervous, I tossed the covers to the side and made my way out into the hallway. 

The hallway was completely empty, to my knowledge, but the lights were on and that only confirmed that I hadn't been hearing things. I walked down the hall with small steps, I didn't know what or who I was looking for but I kept going feeling like one of those horror movie idiots that got themselves killed. 

As I approached the kitchen, I heard things being rattled around and the fridge opening, followed by a stream of curses. 

"Mark?"

He had his back turned to me but at the sound of my voice, he turned with wide eyes. 

"Hey," he greeted, almost sounding sad. "I woke you up?"

"It's okay," I said as I hobbled to where he was, standing beside the open fridge. "Why're you here? I thought you'd be at Lauren's."

He took a carton of juice and closed the fridge before turning to lean against the counter.

"Plans change and you don't always get what you want, things suck sometimes."

I raised an eyebrow at him, taking in his flushed cheeks, slurred words, tousled hair and that fucking awful smell radiating off him. 

"You're drunk," I sighed. 

"Yes."

Well, that was easy. 

"Extremely drunk, to tell you the truth Jack."

I sighed again.

"Why?"

"'Cause I was drinking, duh!"

"Why were ya drinking?"

"Because I wanted to."

I rubbed my face with my hands, starting to become kind of worried, and took a step to the side. 

"Is everything okay?" I asked. "Apart from the fact that yer drunk, I mean."

He shrugged his shoulders but he looked really, really sad. 

"Did something happen?" I asked. "Did ya lose the game?"

"No, we won."

"So what-"

"I think - I think I'm going to sleep now," he interrupted and, without another word, he grabbed the carton of juice and left, leaving all the lights turned on as he went. 

I bothered to actually turn the kitchen light off, shrouding it in complete darkness apart from the blinking red numbers telling me that it was currently three-thirty in the morning. I turned out the lights as I went and headed to Mark's room. 

I found him sitting on the bed, looking around with tired eyes and the corners of his mouth turned down. I closed the door quietly so as not to wake anyone else, leaving the room in darkness, Mark didn't seem bothered. 

I fumbled along the wall with one hand for a moment before finding the light switch.

"I thought ya were gonna sleep," I said.

He shifted his gaze toward me slowly. 

"Yeah," he said with a deep sigh before standing up and quickly taking off his pants, dropping them to his feet. Somehow, he managed to trip over them when he tried to sit up on bed, and landed in a heap on the floor. 

"Fuck," he muttered as he pulled himself up and tried to discard his pants, this time he was successful. 

I stood there staring, trying not to laugh as he fought to pull his shirt over his head, his glasses flying into the air as he did. He picked them up and placed them carefully on his bedside table and swayed a little where he was now him. 

"My life is stupid," he said, suddenly. "It's dumb and I'm not happy anymore."

My heart sank, because it looked a lot like he was telling me how I'd messed up his life, despite this I walked over and sat on his bed. 

"You still have Lauren," I said softly. 

"She's stupid," he mumbled. "She's really horrible to everyone that isn't me, she's so boring and disinterested in anything. She doesn't do anything, she doesn't talk about anything I like she just fixes her hair, talks about her life and has sex and I understand that because she has very nice hair and she probably does a lot to look after it and I love sex, it's beautiful and it makes me feel good but I only like sex with people I like and I don't like Lauren, she's really bad and cold and it's really sad because she used to be interesting and all that shit, we used to be happy."

As he spoke, my eyes widened more and more, and when he stopped, my jaw was just hanging wide open and my eyes looked like they were about to pop. 

He didn't like Lauren? He told me that he knew she was a bitch and all that, but I thought he just saw something in her that nobody else could, apparently not if what he was saying was true. 

"If that's how it is, why don't ya leave her?"

I knew it wasn't right to ask him that question, knowing he obviously didn't want me to know, but I needed to know the answer and this was the only way I'd get it. I was selfish, perhaps, but after carrying this baby and putting up with Mark's shit for all this time, I think I was allowed to be selfish. 

His eyebrows furrowed, making him look like a really sad puppy, then he spoke, it was barely above a whisper. 

"Because I'm scared."

This wasn't the answer I expected. 

"What do ya mean?"

"If I break up with her, then nobody can see that I'm in a relationship, nobody can see that I'm completely in love with someone."

I clenched my jaw, feeling a little irritated by those words.

"You'll still have me," I said, trying to sound less irritated. 

"I can't show everyone how much I love you though," he muttered. "It's like Lauren's the only thing left in my life that's straight."

"Straight?"

He looked down.

"She's the only thing that lets people know I'm 100% straight."

I couldn't help feeling even more confused.

"That's why yer staying with her?" I asked. "'Cause you don't want people to think yer gay?"

"I'm not gay," he muttered. "I just ... I like men. Occasionally."

"Occasionally," I repeated. "So you like guys sometimes and that's why-"

"And people would talk," he interrupted, seeming not to understand any of what I had said. "If I break up with her she'll talk, she'll spread rumours, she has enough people to do that for her and my friends would hate me and my team would hate me, and maybe even my parents, and I can't let that happen. I'm not like you, I need people around."

"I'm not sure whether it should feel offended or flattered," I said. "But Mark, I don't think anyone would hate ya, not yer friends and not yer family, I live here remember, they'd be okay with this, and who cares about the team? In two months you'll never see them again anyway."

A sad pout was all I got in response. 

"I just want you to be happy, okay?" I said. "And if you're not happy with Lauren, I think ya should just leave her."

"You're saying that because you love me and you want me," he said, though it wasn't with bad intentions, just a statement. 

I swallowed.

"No, I'm telling you because I want you to be happy," I muttered. "With or without me, I just want you to be happy."

"I want to be happy," he said tired, closing his eyes and tilting his head slightly. "I really want to be happy."

He smiled weakly.

"You should lie down and go to sleep," I said. "Unless you wanna keel over."

"Good idea," he murmured, his eyes half-closed. 

He sat there for another few seconds before sighing and standing up, his movements zombie-like. I stood up next to him, just to be safe and he looked at me as though he was confused for a few seconds then he flopped down onto the bed, his arms spread out like a starfish. 

I was going to leave the room when he opened one eye to look at me. 

"You can stay here," he mumbled. "There's room for three."

I knew I should've just said goodnight and gone back to my room but I was tired and Mark looked so sad, and I knew that sleeping in his arms was an added plus. Much more comfortable than sleeping alone.

"Yeah, okay," I said, and proceeded to join him, one arm wrapped around my stomach to support it. 

Mark was lying on his stomach, but his face was turned towards me and his eyes were stuck on me. 

"You're always sweet, Jack," he said sleepily. "With me and with everyone else. Except when you yell at me for being shit, that's okay though because I deserve it." He was rambling now. "It's good that ... you try to defend yourself. You didn't do that before, but it's good you are, not for me when you're mad but it means that one day you're gonna find someone and you're not gonna let people walk over you, not like me, I do that all the time, I really suck."

Well, okay, that was really sad.

"Ya don't suck," I said softly, smiling weakly. "Sometimes you make me angry, you make me angry a lot of the time, but yer good, I promise."

He smiled. 

"You still love me, right?" He asked, I raised my hand and wove our fingers together, squeezing gently. 

"Yeah, I still love you."

"Well ... thank god," be sighed. He kept staring forwards, like he was contemplating something. "You're so beautiful, Jack," he said. "You're so beautiful, and you look really small. You're small and pretty and nice and pretty, I like it, you're so sweet."

I couldn't help but laugh at him, muttering things like that but I also couldn't help blushing. 

"Thanks".

"You're welcome," he said, his voice just above a whisper. "You're like ... my baby, you know?" He continued, looking at me with heavy eyes. "And my real baby is here," He let his hand move to caress my belly. "And I love her so much, because she's my daughter, you know? I love you both so much." His eyelids closed but he continued to speak. "I know I haven't treated you well, it sucks, and I know I've let a lot of bad things happen but-"

He stopped to let out a sigh and he let his hand rub over my belly again. 

"I hope that when I break up with Lauren, you'll still want me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, this one was a bitch to write but alas, I have it. Anyway, moving on, trouble in paradise for Pewdiecry ;_; and well, Mark certainly had a lot to say ...
> 
> Have a good day/night!


	29. I need you in my life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark is scared, Jack is tired of all this and Mark might have a plan.

Saturday, April 30th  
Thirty-six weeks 

Needless to say, the rest of the night consisted of restless sleep and, as creepy as it sounds, watching Mark. 

He looked so relaxed, like everyone did in sleep, and I was starting to feel pretty guilty about taking advantage of the fact he was drunk and getting him to admit what he did. 

None of what he said surprised me though, well, except the part where he said he was scared to break up with Lauren because he didn't want to say he was bisexual or gay or whatever the hell he was, but a lot of what he told me was stuff I already knew, actually I didn't know but it was like my subconscious knew. 

It was strange that he'd done nothing to deny it. It was strange. It was weird, it was wrong, confusing, enervating and all of it made me feel lightheaded. 

Some of it was good though. 

He had said that he hoped I'd still be here when he broke up with Lauren, that I'd still want him when that time came. I might've been letting myself get too far ahead but he basically implied he wanted to break up with Lauren and be with me, it was stupid that I was thinking about this because he'd been drunk and god knows you say and do stupid stuff while you're drunk. 

At least it wasn't impossible. 

*

When I woke up, I was alone, and judging by the fact that Mark's side was cool, he'd left a while ago. I glanced at the clock and found that it was almost one, I sighed with mild exasperation at the fact that I'd spent most of the day sleeping. 

I lay there for a while, I didn't want to over think things - Not until I'd talked to Mark about it, I had to know if it was the truth or if he'd been blurting out bullshit because he was drunk. I hoped that it wasn't the latter. 

Eventually, I managed to pull myself out of bed and trudge to the kitchen where I found all five members of the Fischbach family sitting at the table with glasses, cups and bowls and plates in front of them like they were having a late lunch. 

Mark was sitting at the end of the table with his heading his arms, he let out a low groan and I would've laughed at him if it didn't look as bad as it did. 

"You okay?" I asked as I headed to the empty chair between him and Michael.

"Hangover," was the gruff answer I received, before he slowly raised his head and looked at me with dead eyes.

"Why did you sleep in my bed last night?" He asked.

My cheeks warmed and I smiled at him, trying to remain calm and hide the fact that I felt like I was going to have a heart attack right there and then. 

"You asked me to," I shrugged. "You came home at three thirty in the morning, ya made a load of noise and woke me up, I took ya to bed and then ya asked me to sleep there."

He blinked, it didn't hurt to rearrange some information right? 

Mark let it a loud groan and slammed his head back onto his arms. 

"I feel like a burrito that someone dropped in a pool." 

All of us were silent for a second, even Daryl and Michael, observing the scene before Ara broke the silence. 

"That doesn't make sense, sweetheart." 

"Blame the headache." He said flatly and his mom smiled, biting on her lip to stifle laughter. 

"Don't drink so much and you won't feel like that." Ralph said calmly, smirking behind his newspaper.

"I don't drink that much."

"No, I know," Ara said. "But when you do, you seem to think it's a competition and you try to drink as much as you can in a very small amount of time."

"Livin' la vida loca," he muttered. 

*

I didn't get the chance to talk to Mark, after we'd eaten he stood up and disappeared out of the room without saying anything and then we heard a door closing. His parents shook their heads at him, Ralph sighing and smiling muttering something about 'that boy' and laughing before getting up to help Ara get the twins ready and clean up. 

When I peeked into Mark's room, I found him sleeping with his arms outstretched, a line of drool running down his cheek, I really should have found that as cute as I did. I waited a couple of seconds, smiling to myself before turning off his light and leaving - I felt nice enough to save him from waking up and being blinded by the light. 

As I turned to leave, I felt something in my stomach again, the same feeling I'd felt the past two days and I could only stare down wide-eyed, I bit the inside of my cheek and wrapped an arm around myself, trying to stay quiet. 

"You're okay, right?" I whispered, not wanting to wake Mark. "Nothing bad's happening, right?"

Nothing happened for a while except from mild contractions that made me jump and I was starting to worry, getting so worried. Then I felt a kick, a small kick and I had to let out a sigh of complete relief. 

She kept kicking for a while but the contractions we're still coming every so often and I didn't want to move, not until everything was back to normal. It took ten minutes and I'd been standing in Mark's room in the dark looking like an idiot. 

Or at least I felt like a complete idiot.

When I woke up Sunday morning, Mark wasn't at home. When I asked Ara where he'd gone, she told me that she he'd gone out with Cry, Ken and some girl called Mary and that he'd be home by dinner. 

Mark didn't show up at dinner.

When I went to bed that night he still hadn't come home and I couldn't help but think that he'd remembered what happened and was avoiding me. If that was the case, he was even more immature than I thought. 

Avoiding me? Really? We lived in the same house, for God's sake! I was carrying his baby! What was he, twelve? 

I moved my head slightly on the pillow and leaned my hand on my stomach, silently praying that the next morning Mark would actually be here and he'd treat me normally, we had an appointment with Dr Hayes the next day and I didn't want to go alone. 

Monday, May 2  
thirty-seven weeks

Breakfast the next morning was quiet, it consisted of me, Gracie and my thoughts because Ara and Ralph were at work and Mark and the twins were at school. I was used to being home alone, Ara tried to work at home as much as she possibly could but it didn't really change the fact that I was bored all the time. I spent most of the time talking to Gracie; I told her stories about me when I was little, about her dad, I talked about Juliet, Hadley, David and James and about the things we got up to back home, I talked about Cry and Felix and Dodger and sometimes I talked about her, what I wanted for her, what I hoped she'd be. 

"Maybe you'll like art, be a creative type," I muttered, I was lying on the couch in front of the TV, my head resting on a couple of pillows. "Maybe you'll be a painter or a photographer like yer dad, maybe you'll like sports or you'll sing and dance or you'll like all that geeky stuff and you'll be some kinda tech guru, there's a lot of stuff, right?" I smiled. "Whatever happens, I'll be happy, I just hope ya don't think like yer daddy and I really hope ya don't end up having a baby too young, I don't want ya to end up like me and yer dad," I smiled weakly. "This sounds crazy but I'm actually kinda happy this happened; ya made me fat and ya cause about 90% of my pain but I don't think I've ever loved something so much."

She kicked. 

"I love you so much."

I lay there until I started to become uncomfortable and I had to shift onto my side to stop my back from aching. 

It was two o'clock, at least that's what the clock told me, and I couldn't help but hope and pray Mark would come home early, if at all, today. I was so bored, so tired. 

Gracie kept kicking, she always had these bursts of energy and she'd kick endlessly. I let out a groan and started rubbing my belly. 

"C'mon Gracie," he sighed. "Stop, yer starting to hurt me now."

It was true, it was starting to hurt today, the contractions weren't just slightly uncomfortable anymore, they were actually pretty painful. They were spread out over a while, they'd come every so often, last about ten seconds then leave and repeat. 

All this was extremely tiring ....

The pain eventually disappeared again and I let out a light sigh of relief. 

"Sometimes I'd like ya to talk," I said quietly, looking down on my stomach where my hands were still resting and continued to began to draw little doodles with my fingers. 

The next twenty minutes passed without anything happening, it was calm but at two-thirty, I heard to door opening and Mark shouting "Jack, are you in the living room?" And I had to close my eyes and thank any higher being that he'd come home before I died of boredom. 

"Yeah, I'm here," I answered and soon after he appeared at the door, his hair flopped down and stuck to his forehead, dripping wet, his glasses fogged, his shirt and his pants were dripping and I was actually legitimately concerned. 

"It's raining," he explained. "I'm gonna go change, we can leave after that."

"Can ya help me up first?" I asked, leaning my hands out. 

He smiled, and approached my, grabbing into my hands and easily pulling me to my feet, he seemed to have mastered the art of pulling pregnant people off of chairs and beds. 

"It's getting hard, right?" He asked. 

"What's hard?"

"Well, life."

"I'm fine, Mark, another couple of weeks and it's all over anyway."

"We don't know that."

I frowned.

"What do you mean?"

He shrugged. 

"You're gonna have a C-section but we don't have a date set, y'know, we should probably do that."

"If we don't, this poor girl's gonna have to stay in here and I don't think that's really healthy for either of us," I said with a laugh. "We'll talk to Dr Hayes about it."

It looked like he wanted to say something else but he just nodded. 

"Okay, fine, if you don't do this today I'll be very upset."

"You do that then," I said, rolling my eyes. "Go change so that we aren't late, Mark."

In the end we were late because putting on a pair of jeans was a lot more complicated than it appeared apparently and, so, we stumbled into the building ten minutes late, I knocked on Dr Hayes door and turned to look at Mark. 

"Next time, wear a pair of sweatpants like me," I muttered to him, in a low voice. 

"Excuse me if I want to look good for all my admirers, it's not my fault I'm the definition of graceful and beautiful."

"There's nothing graceful about you, I've seen ya dance."

"What? When?"

"In your room a week ago. You were anything but graceful, let me tell ya. "

"I'm good a-"

He didn't get to finish his sentence because Dr Hayes door swung open. 

"You're late," she said with a soft smile. "For the first time, I think."

"Fashion emergency," Mark smirked. 

"Ah, yes," she nodded, laughing a little. "Well, come inside so we can start."

She stood aside and let us in before closing the door again and taking her usual place at her desk. 

"So, we're getting closer and closer to the date."

I was able to answer sigh a low "yeah."

"Before we start, I've set up an appointment for you at the adoption agency," she said. "I received a call early this morning so I didn't feel the need to call you, it's on Thursday at one o'clock."

My jaw dropped.

"So soon?" I asked hesitantly. "I thought it'd take longer."

"Usually that would be the case," she said solemnly. "But given the circumstances, they've decided to let you jump the queue." 

"Oh, I- well, that's good, I guess," I said, biting my lower lip nervously.

"Is it?" Mark asked rigidly.

"Yes, Mark," I replied. "It is."

"Okay then, I wanted to clarify."

He wasn't happy, I could tell without even looking at him. 

"Well, okay, now that we are taken there that thought," said Dr. Hayes, looking a little uncomfortable after witnessing our disagreement. "I think it's time to talk about the C-section."

"Is there a lot to talk about?" Mark asked.

"Not really," Dr Hayes said. "What we really need to do is set a date for the surgery."

"Yeah, sure," I said. "How ... I mean, what should we do?"

"Well, usually when we plan this, we'd prefer it to be before they're in labor," she explained. "But since we don't know if you'll ever go into labor naturally, we should set a date that falls sometime after your thirty-ninth week."

I nodded and just to show that I understood.

"Do you have a preferred date?"

"What? I can pick one?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. 

"Yes, within reason of course since I'll have to find a date that I'm free."

"You're going to do it?" Mark asked, looking confused, "I thought that was, like, a surgeons job."

She shook her head. 

"Obstetricians take care of c-sections, I'll be the one performing the surgery."

I feel my stomach flip, I was going to be cut open, I still couldn't get used to that. 

"Okay, then, okay, a date."

I looked at Mark. 

"What do you think?"

"I don't know, a day doesn't really make a difference, right? I don't think we really have a preference."

I sighed.

"Yeah." I turned my gaze back to Dr. Hayes. "Can ya check when yer free and we'll just go with, y'know, whatever."

She nodded and smiled before turning to her computer, she began typing away and then, after about a minute, she turned back to us. 

"Well, it just so happens that I'm free on Tuesday, May 24th at two-thirty."

Tuesday, May 24th at two-thirty. Less than three weeks away. The very thought made me nauseous and had to wipe a hand over my face, taking in that in less than three weeks I'd have a daughter. 

"Okay," I said finally, my voice shrill. I felt terrified but could you blame me?

Mark put his hand on my arm and when I turned to look at him his eyes were trained on me and he had a soft smile on his lips. 

"You'll be fine, relax," he said and gave me a slight squeeze before pulling his hand away.

"So, is May 24th okay?" Dr Hayes asked. 

"Yes," Mark and I said in unison. I raised my eyebrow at him. 

"Are you gonna be there?"

"We talked about this," he said. "Yeah, I'm coming and you're not allowed to tell me no."

"Well, whatever," I said, waving my hand. "If ya wanna see all that disgustingness then knock yerself out."

"Thank you."

"It's nothing, believe me."

I turned my gaze back to Dr. Hayes, shrugging in response to her raised eyebrows. She smiled then placed her hand on her knee. 

"I should inform you that there are some risks," she said. "Vaginal births are statistically safer than C-sections but , of course, we can't do anything about that because you, of course, don't have one and we also don't know how your body is structured which could be a risk."

"And what ... what does that mean?" I asked.

"It means that even though we are aware of how to perform a cesarean section on a woman because we know how they're structured, we don't have the same advantage with you, so it may be a risk."

If I felt sick before, it was nothing compared to now. 

"C-could y-ya possibly, like, k-kill one of us, me and the baby?"

"No, God, no," she said quickly, waving a hand. "No, not at this point, but I'm saying that it won't be as straight forward as it would be with a woman."

"But ... no ones gonna die, right?" Mark asked and, well, he seemed totally terrified.

"There's always some risk when undergoing an operation," Dr Hayes said, giving us a smile. "But I'm sure nobody will die, Mark."

*

As soon as we left the office half an hour later, I noticed Mark shaking, almost twitching, with pure unbridled anger. 

"She's pretty sure that no one will die!" He yelled so loudly that he scared off a flock of birds and earned a pretty strange look from one woman who'd just been strolling by with he dog. 

"Mark, calm down." I told him as I buckled my seat belt. 

"I can't calm down, fuck!" He shouted, hitting the steering wheel repeatedly, he looked like a lunatic. "She didn't guarantee that neither of you will die! Gracie could die! You could die! You could both die!"

"Please calm down," I said pleadingly, looking at him with wide eyes. "Neither of us are gonna die, stop worrying so much."

"You can't promise me that!"

"You can't promise me that yer not gonna die in the next ten minutes." 

"Jack, don't tell me to calm down, how do you think I'd feel if you or Gracie died?"

"I-I dunno," I sighed. "We'll never know because we're gonna be completely fine, me and Gracie are gonna be fine."

His whole body was shaking with emotion and his eyes were blown wide. I was kind of scared that he was gonna break the steering wheel if he kept hitting it like that. After what seemed an eternity, he began to calm down but he was still terrified, he looked like he was going to cry. 

"I can't lose you, okay?" He said gruffly. "I can't lose Gracie, she's my daughter, and nobody wants to lose their kids and I can't lose you 'cause you-you're my Jack, I need you in my life, I really do, even when Gracie's born and even when she's with some other family, I need you to stay in my life, can you promise me that? I don't want you to leave me."

It reminded me of Saturday, the way he stared at me, the way he spoke, it was so similar to then but not nearly as slurred. It would've been good to bring that up, talk about what he said, but he looked so scared and distraught that I couldn't do it. 

"I promise," I said. "I won't leave."

We fell silent after that, the entire drive home was quiet but it wasn't uncomfortable, Mark looked deep in thought, he needed time to think about things and so did I, I needed to think and be by myself for a while. However, I didn't get the chance to do that because the second we stepped into the house, Ara called us for dinner. 

As soon as dinner was over, I was back in my room and, to prevent myself from over thinking anything, I feel asleep. 

Tuesday, May 3  
Thirty-seven weeks 

"You're really pregnant."

I raised my eyebrows at Mark.

"What?"

We were both lying on his bed, and we'd been in that position since he'd left school three hours earlier. 

"Not in a bad way," he said quickly. "Just ... you're so pregnant now. It's amazing."

"It's so big that I feel handicapped, I can barely move," I shrugged. "There's nothing amazing about this."

"You're still cute" he said, patting my leg with his foot. "The cutest pregnant person I know."

"How many pregnant people d'ya know?"

"Well there's this girl in my Japanese class, she was pregnant last year, she's kinda weird though." 

"Don't be mean," I scolded. "Speaking of your Japanese class, how's it going? D'ya still suck?"

"No. I spoke to my teacher and I think we're gonna work on some stuff privately before the exams!"

"Well, better than failing," I pondered.

"I guess," he shrugged. "Since we're on the topic, how's the home-study going?"

"I'll pass," I said. "So, y'know, it's fine, I'm not worried about anything."

"What're you gonna do after you graduate?"

"After I graduate?"

"College and stuff. What are your plans?"

I looked down, feeling embarrassed all of a sudden.

"I'm...not going next year," I said hesitantly. "You know, I'm gonna take a year ta work, get some money put aside and get my life together. I'll do college next year."

"Your life isn't together?"

"Come on," I said, rolling my eyes impatiently. "This school year's been crazy. I'm not the same person I was a year ago, I've done nothing but think about the baby and you and school, everything else went out the window the second I decided I was keeping this baby, if I started college I'd probably leave by Christmas. I don't have the energy to do it anymore, I'm not in the right state of mind, I need time."

"You're not serious, are you?" He asked flatly, he looked kind of mad, his jaw set. 

I frowned.

"Yeah, I am."

"Then you're an idiot."

My eyes widened and I pulled my knees up as close to my stomach as physically possible. 

"What?"

He snorted and sat up, peering at me with narrowed eyes.

"You told me that one of the reasons why you don't wanna keep Gracie," he began, leaning closer. "Was so that you had the opportunity to get a good education, to go to college, but now you're telling me you're not gonna go."

"I will go but I'm just waiting a year," I said. "I just won't be going this year, I'm gonna go. Don't be dramatic about it, Mark, I'm so sick or arguing about this."

The anger on his face slightly disappeared, but I could still see he was trying to calm himself. 

"You know I do not agree with 'our' decision to give her up for adoption," he said quietly. "I am totally against it, actually, and I wish you could try to see things from my point of view, instead of being the sensible and mature one."

"Someone has ta be," I sighed. "But can you try seeing things from my point of view?"

"Of course I can, I'm not stupid," he said. "But I don't understand why you're so adamant that we can't give Gracie an amazing life!"

"It's a fact, Mark."

"How is it a fact?" He asked. Without waiting for an answer, he lay down beside me, looking at me intently, and continued. "You said yourself, you won't be at college this year, right?"

I nodded hesitantly and he smiled, seemingly proud of himself. 

"Okay, you're not gonna go to college this year," he continued. "I talked a lot with my mom and she told me more than once that we can both stay here, with or without Gracie, and she'll help as much as she can. If you don't go to college, you can live here and alternate between work and looking after Gracie, while I alternate between college, work and looking after Gracie. I have some money in the bank and over this year we can save up, we can move away and by that time she'll be just over a year old, we can hire a babysitter and we can keep going between working, studying and looking after Gracie, I read a bunch of stories on the Internet about people doing the same thing."

He seemed so excited about this, so passionate. He was grinning from ear to ear and was just staring and waiting for a response. I couldn't help but laugh. 

"Do you realize how crazy this thing sounds?" I asked, still laughing. "It's fucking crazy!"

His smile flattered. 

"It's a good plan and I've thought about it, all of it, I've talked to mom and dad and everything."

I sighed, because it was completely crazy...right?

"Mark, I- I know you've taken the time ta think about it," I said, biting my lip. "But-"

"No, Jack! No!" he loudly interrupted. "Please think about this, please, the reason you wanna give her up is cause you don't think we can give her a good life, we can if we do this." 

Did he really think this plan could work? I had to admit that it wasn't the worst plan I'd ever heard but this would mean a lot more communication, a lot more talking, a lot more to think about..but it wasn't a bad idea. I found myself becoming angry, he was making me consider this when I'd been so confident about my decision before. 

"Okay, look," I said, running a hand over my face and then looking at him. "Are you absolutely one hundred percent percent that your mom and dad would let us stay here for an entire year?"

He nodded fervently.

"Yes, you can ask them yourself."

I swallowed hard and closed my eyes.

"Where are you gonna study?"

"University of Cincinnati," he said immediately.

"That's an hour away, Mark."

He shrugged.

"I know, I'll study as much as I can at home and drive there when I have classes, it'll be fine."

"That's gonna be really tiring, Mark." I said incredulously.

He shrugged.

"I can handle it."

I inhaled and exhaled deeply. 

"And you said you're gonna work?"

"When I have time," he said. "Felix's mom and dad own half the city, his mom said there's always a space open if I need a job and I can call her when I have time and she can give me something to do."

"You've seriously thought about all of this?"

"Of course I have. This is my last chance to change your mind."

"Right. Okay, so ... when this year is over, you want the two of us - you and me- to live together? "

Saying that was weird and I felt warm and happy and also really fucking scared. 

"Yes."

"What about Lauren?"

I had to ask, right?

His face twitched a little. 

"Let me worry me worry about that."

"Mark-"

"Jack, don't add her to this, she doesn't matter."

This would be an excellent time to bring up that drunk conversation but we were in the middle of a big conversation which was more important than just us now. 

"Well, okay," I said then smiled. "But you really want to move in together?"

"People have college roommates," he said. "Not with a baby and story that's this...messed up but it could work. We already live together."

Mark and I living together would be hard -really hard- especially if you considered the fact we did have feelings for each other. 

"Yeah, we live together," I said. "But your mom's holding us together, what do I do if we fight and ya storm out and leave?"

I had to ask. I needed to know what he was going to say, what would he do when we inevitably argued? What would we do when he got sick of me or got sick of Gracie? I needed to know that if he was this serious about keeping Gracie, he wouldn't leave me. 

He looked at me expressionless then smiled wide. 

"Because no matter how much we fight, I could never leave Gracie," he said softly. "I could never leave you." 

For some stupid reason I wasn't able to answer but he didn't say anything, I looked over to him, his eyes lit up with excitement. He knew he was getting to me. 

"Do ya realise this is crazy?" I asked. "This plan would fall apart in a few months." 

He smiled wryly.

"I doubt it. "

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, forcing myself not to roll out of bed and leave. 

"Okay, look," I said, my voice shaky. "We're going to the adoption agency on Thursday, we'll go and see what they show us and what they tell us then we'll talk, okay?"

He nodded once.

"Yeah, sure, no problem," he said, apparently excited. "So, you've changed your mind? We might be able to keep her?"

"Your plan isn't the worst plan I've ever heard," I said slowly. "And I know people have done the same thing so it's possible, but just know that adoption is still a valid option, I'm still leaning towards that."

"At least you're not stuck on giving her up now." He said happily. "Thanks."

I sighed, but after I offered him a smile.

"No problem."

We fell into silence, staring at each other blankly. I was starting to wonder if he was going to kiss me again - God knew that I wouldn't object to that- but instead, after a while, he spoke. 

"I'm sorry about Saturday morning," he said quietly.

I raised an eyebrow.

"Saturday morning?"

"When I came back home drunk. I'm sorry."

I thought I'd be the one to bring it up and I was actually kind of greatful he brought it up instead but I was also really confused. 

"Why're ya apologising?" I asked with a chuckle.

"For all the things I said," he sighed. 

I blinked, feeling even more confused.

"The things you said?"

"You know what I'm talking about, I said a lot of shit and it probably confused the hell out of you, I'm sorry."

My mouth fell opened. 

"I thought you didn't remember anything," I told him. 

"I didn't, not at first, but it came back to me after a while."

"Oh."

I hesitated, not entirely convinced. 

"So, ya remember," I bit my lip. "Why did ya say that-"

"I don't really want to talk about it right now, if that's okay," he interrupted. "We'll talk soon, I promise."

I nodded.

"Sure."

I was a little disappointed because there was nothing else I wanted but to know if he really meant what he said. I had to know. 

But for once, I wasn't worried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are, yet another chapter of...well...I don't know. But we do have a date and I guess these boys still have a lot to talk about - and a lot to think about- so, that's something to look forward to, if also like to say, this actually only has about one more chapter left before I've completed it - which leaves roughly six/seven more chapters until this is completely over D: 
> 
> Have a good day/night <3 !!!


	30. You're really adorable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hormones are going wild, Mark and Jack visit the adoption agency and Mark loves compliments

It was like my hormones, after being pretty quiet for a while, had decided to attack me purposefully just an hour before our appointment. Neither today nor the day before had been emotionally triggering, so when I found myself in front of my closet, busy looking for a shirt, I was surprised when I was struck with a wave of sadness. I dropped my arms to my sides, as if I'd been completely drained of energy and had slowly looked at the mirror. That had been enough. 

I realized how big I was, and I started to cry - huge tears rolled down my cheeks. I didn't even bother to wear a shirt, I instead grabbed a blanket from the bed and wrapped it around my shoulders, I left the room, my footsteps abnormally heavy like I was trampling something. The door to the room was open and Mark was there looking through his closet in nothing but a pair of black boxers. 

I was still crying and I felt kind of pathetic so I tried to ignore his semi-nudity and decided to go in. 

He looked up from the two shirts he was holding when I crossed the threshold hesitantly and, for half a second, he smiled but it faltered almost immediately. 

"What's wrong?" He asked, dropping both the shirts on the floor and taking a step closer to me, not seeming very concerned by the fact that he was half naked. "You're not sick, are you?" He continued before I had time to say anything. "Is something wrong with the baby? Are you okay? Wait, you're not in labor, right? I've gotta call-"

"No! I'm not in labor!" I interrupted him, shouting. "I'm fat and disgusting and don't ya dare say I'm not 'cause I am and ya know it!"

He stood there in silence for a moment, looking rather astonished by my sudden outburst, before shaking his head and smiling sweetly. "You're acting crazy, Jack."  
This was definitely not the right thing to say.

"Oh, so I'm crazy, right?" I hissed, glaring. "Well, fuck you then, Mark, because it's yer damn fault I'm crazy! It's all yer fault! It's your fault I'm fat and its your fault that I'm crazy, and I don't want to be fat and crazy because no one wants ta be around people who are fat and crazy! Then on top of that I may or may not have a fucking uterus and there's a fucking opening in my ass, ta be honest I'm not even sure how yer fucking cock found that, and it's your fucking fault, Mark, all of it!"

My breath came and went in rapid sighs during the entire attack on Mark, I was burning with inexplicable rage but I still had the willpower to calm myself, I had to stop unless I wanted to collapse or something like that. I stared down at the floor, then I saw a pair of bare feet come into view. The steps were hesitant, like he was scared. 

I couldn't really blame him.

After a while, I stopped shaking and my breathing was almost back to normal.

I lifted my gaze back to Mark. 

"Sorry," I whispered, feeling nothing but embarrassment now, he looked all kinds of worried, confused and guilty and I'd caused that. "I didn't mean that...I'm sorry." 

A crooked smile appeared on his face and her walked around to stand behind me and wrap his arms around me. 

"It's okay," he said, his cheek pressed to the side of my head. "It's hormones talking, right?"

"Yeah," I sighed. "Obviously none of this is yer fault."

"I didn't use a condom."

"I could could've brought it up, you were more drunk than me; it was kinda my responsibility."

"I don't think we really expected you to end up pregnant though so-"

"I could've got an STD."

"I don't have an STD."

"I didn't know that at the time, I should've thought about it."

He grunted, amused, and then buried his nose in the faded green floof on my head. 

"I don't think any of us are at fault here," he said. "We didn't know what was gonna happen, we didn't think it could happen but we're doing great, right? We're doing good?"

I leaned into him "yeah, we're doing good."

"And you? Are you okay?"

"Why d'ya ask?"

He chuckled and I could feel his breath on the back of my neck. 

"You just came in crying about how you're apparently fat and crazy." He said.

I blushed a little, now happy that he couldn't see my face. "Like ya said, hormones."

"Are you sure about that?"

I bowed my head and bit my lip. "Maybe not."

He sighed into my hair and I felt him kiss it. 

"Jack," he said, in a whisper. "I've told you, you aren't fat or disgusting or any of that, I really think that."

I was about to open my mouth to protest but he continued before I had the chance.

"Don't start," he said, gently. "In my eyes, Sean McLoughlin, you're beautiful, you know? And the fact that you're pregnant with my baby makes you even more beautiful." 

His lips pressed gently on the skin just below my ear. 

"You probably don't understand, but the fact that you're carrying my baby is driving me crazy."

He left another kiss at the same spot, and I sighed with satisfaction, letting my body relax into his arms.

"It's fucking amazing."

Another kiss this time it lasted a little longer, making my heart rate accelerate. His arms loosened around my body and his hands crept along my hips, only to stop at my elbows, still covered with the blanket. Slowly, almost hesitantly he slid further up to my shoulders. We stood like that for a while, my hands trembling with either anticipation or anxiety, I wasn't sure. 

"You're not wearing a shirt under this blanket, right?" He asked,.

I breathed softly, and then shook my head. Nothing happened for a couple of seconds, but then I felt his fingers grasp the blanket and pull it slightly, like he wanted me out of it.

"Mark, please no," I whispered, trying my best to ignore that weird feeling in my stomach. "I'm too-"

"No, you're not," he cut me off, brushing my neck with his lips. "You're amazing, sexy, gorgeous and you're driving me crazy just by existing."

I chose to trust his words: I stopped resisting and let the blanket fall down into a heap at my feet. A shiver ran down my spine as the cold air hit me but it it only lasted about a second before I felt Mark's chest pressed against my back. 

He slid his hands down, this time to place them on my stomach, and began to rub small, gentle circles with his thumbs. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, no longer even bothering to try to keep myself under control - it was pretty obvious that it it wouldn't do any good, especially when he was kissing my neck then he stopped, as though he was giving me a chance to protest and when I didn't say anything, he began to suck on my neck. 

He was sucking and kissing my neck, as if to brand me. As the seconds passed, my breathing became more and more frantic and he continued his attack on my neck with seemingly no intentions of stopping.

"Mark," I gasped. 

"Beautiful," he murmured between bites. "Beautiful, beautiful, so pregnant, so pretty, so amazing."

I turned my head, feeling the need to look into his eyes, to make sure he wasn't just joking around. His eyes were filled with lust, his lips were red and slightly swollen from being attached to my neck for so long and his hair, was tousled as if he'd just rolled out of bed. I saw him swallow and close his eyes, fairly obvious that he was trying to calm himself then he took a step back. 

"What- what's wrong?" I asked, almost frightened.

To my relief, he smiled.

"Nothing, nothing," he said. "But w-we don't have time for this, we need to get ready for the appointment."

For a moment I didn't understand what he was talking about, but then I remembered why I initially went to his room and what I was trying to do before this. 

"Oh," I said. "That."

He was still smiling. "Are you okay?"

I offered him a half smile in response. "Yeah sure."

"But-"

"No buts."

"You're lying," he said, rolling his eyes. "And I'm going to make you tell the truth sooner or later, but right now we have to get dressed and leave, I'll try again later." 

*

We got there just before one. It was an old building, a big white building that towered above us, but the sign on top of the old door was bright and new and there were several flower pots sitting outside with pretty, well kept, bright flowers. 

"I imagined something more...cold," Mark shrugged as we stepped inside. "Didn't expect something that belongs on the history channel." 

"I like it," I said as I looked around the room. "It feels homely."

I glanced at the reception desk to my left.

"With the exception of the desk."

There was a row of chairs placed along the wall facing the desk and I walked towards those, sitting down, placing my hand on my back as I did so, Mark followed behind me, right at my heels until I was fully seated. 

"Are you okay?" He asked worriedly after sitting in the chair next to me. "How's your back?"

"I'm fine, Mark, stop worrying so much."

He snorted.

"Excuse me if I don't want you to get hurt or, like, fall over."

My smile grew even wider.

"I won't get hurt," I said.

"That's what everyone says when they're pregnant then they fall over." 

"Im not gonna fall," I said, rolling my eyes. "And even if I did, you're here and you'd help me back up."

"Of course I would, but I'd rather you didn't fall."

"I'll do my best."

We sat there for about twenty seconds before a woman rushed out a door to the left, expert eyes trained on me as she approached. She looked to be in her late thirties, maybe early forties, she had dark curls and wore a straight black skirt and she glanced over her glasses when she stopped in front of us, she was almost intimidating. 

"Sean McLoughlin?" She asked. 

I stood up, nervousness consuming me - not that it was strange considering what was about to happen. Mark stood up next to me. 

"That's me," I said, holding out a hand. "Hello."

She took it and shook it carefully. 

"Hello," she greeted. "I'm Alana, I was assigned your case. If you and your partner want to come with me then we can start."'

With that, she turned and walked toward the room she'd walked out of with quick steps and entered. 

I had a feeling that she wasn't very happy about me being here, maybe she was just being professional, or maybe it had to do with the fact that she'd have to deal with a pregnant teenage boy. 

If this was the case, I couldn't really blame her.

Mark hovered behind me as we followed Alana into the room. Alana was already seated at one side of the table, a stack of sheets in front of her and a pair of glasses in her hand. She didn't look up when Mark closed the door behind us, or when we sat down opposite her. Something told me she was the type of person that didn't really appreciate close contact with her clients, Mark seemed to pick up on that too judging by the look he gave me when we sat down. 

"So, Mr. McLoughlin," she said, keeping her eyes fixed on the sheets. "When they told me that I'd be dealing with a particularly difficult case, I expected a fourteen year old girl, not an eighteen year old boy." 

"Well, things happen," was the only answer I could think of.

She looked up and gave us a thin smile. 

"So it seems," she said. "Do you mind telling me your due date is?"

"Oh, um, May 24th," I said.

"May 24th," she repeated, casting a quick glance to my stomach. "Only three weeks from now."

I didn't answer, I just smiled at her, she didn't return it. 

"Well, first I should tell you that I'm unsure how quickly I can find a home for your child, it would've been much easier if you'd have come sooner."

I looked down.

"It's been a really difficult decision to make," I whispered to my hands.

"In any case, it should take around six months to find a suitable family for it," she said, not seeming to have heard what I said or maybe she just didn't care. "So your baby will be taken into care and it'll stay there until suitable parents are found."

"She's a girl," Mark chimed, sounding quite irritated.

She looked at him blankly.

"Excuse me?" She asked. 

"The baby," said Mark. "She's a girl, you can stop calling her 'it.'"

She smiled, but it was cold and made me flinch internally.

"That isn't really important right now, the procedures for males and females are the same," she said. "So, first I'm going to ask you some questions about your health, okay?" Without waiting for us to answer, she continued. "Do either of you or your immediate family suffer from any heart problems?"

I shook my head and Mark replied with a dismissive "no".

"Are either of you diabetic or do you have any other conditions that affect your lifestyle?"

No.

"Any problems regarding the intestine or kidneys?"

No.

"Have either you or your direct family suffered cancer, tumors or cysts?"

No.

"Have you suffered from alcohol or drug abuse?"

No.

"Have any of your immediate family suffered Alzheimer's or dementia?"

No. 

She seemed like she wanted to be anywhere but here so I responded silently while Mark respond rudely, mumbling and changing the tone of his voice to show it. I wanted to kick him for it, ask him to behave civilly, but to tell the truth, I understood perfectly why he was behaving that way, because this woman clearly didn't want us here. I hoped this wasn't the case with other couples, if that wasn't the case then she just didn't like us. No, it wasn't that she didn't like us, she didn't like the fact that I was pregnant. 

I couldn't blame her if she thought it was strange, but I was pretty sure I could blame her for the way she was acting. 

"Okay, that's everything," she said, interrupting my train of thought. "Which brings me to the second problem on my list."

She folded both arms of her glasses slowly and laid them on the desk before crossing her arms on the table in front of her. 

"You are a man who is carrying a child, Mr. McLoughlin, which for many couples may seem a little daunting. I'm sure you understand that."

"The baby is perfectly healthy and normal," said Mark. "It shouldn't matter that Jack is a man."

"But it does matter," she said firmly. "It depends on you of course, but if you want to find a family for your child as soon as possible, I recommend you do this anonymously."

I shot a quick glance at Mark, who was shooting daggers at Alana. 

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"It means that the adoptive parents will have no idea of who you are and you won't ever meet them personally." She said. "Everything happens through us, and the only things that the adoptive parents will know about you is things that directly effect the baby, they will never know who you are so you're faced with a choice, I've already told you what I'd recommend."

I bit my lip. 

"So that means I don't have any way of influencing anything, she can't come back and look for me in the future?"

"If you want, you can sign some documents stating that if she comes here one day then she can receive information about you; just her, nobody else can ever get that information." 

"Do you think that'll work?" I asked Mark.

"I suppose so," he said, pursing her lips. "But we don't know if she'll ever want to know anything about us."

I sighed, closing my eyes for a moment.

"I'm not going to interfere with her life if we do this," I said. "If we do this, I'll pull out of the situation completely, and I won't go back unless I have to, it'd probably be okay if she never wanted ta meet me."

He clenched his jaw in the same way he always did when he wasn't happy with something I had said or did. It took a couple of seconds of silence before he answered. 

"But we're still considering my plan, right?"

I replied with a curt nod before turning to Alana who was tapping her nails on the desk impatiently. 

"If we gave her up for adoption," I began. "Would the parents have ta tell her she's adopted?"

She shook her head. "No, they wouldn't be forced to say anything, but we always recommend that the adoptive parents tell the child at some point so it's very likely she'll know eventually."

I nodded slowly, metabolizing the new information. "But if I did it anonymously, they wouldn't know she's biologically mine, right?"

"Right."

"Okay, where does Mark stand in all of this?"

"It depends," she said then turned to Mark. "Will your name be written on the birth certificate?"

"I think so," he said, looking at me for an answer. 

I sighed, but I nodded.

"In this case, the child cannot be given up for adoption if you don't consent," she said. "So your consent would be necessary for us to continue with the adoption."

My heart sank like a rock in the water, I'd need Mark's consent if I wanted to give her up. That was stupid rule. Okay, maybe it wasn't so stupid, but in this particular situation it was, Mark and I had two very opposing views on this situation. 

"And if-if we don't agree with each other?" I said, my voice hoarse. "What if one of us wanted to give her up for adoption and the other didn't?"

She leaned back in her chair and folded her arms across her chest.

"I would strongly suggest you compromise," she said. "Otherwise the court would make a decision for you, they could decide to allow the adoption or let the partner keep them depending on what they feel is best for them but it is a very long process." 

I blinked.

I couldn't believe it. It wasn't fair.

I leaned my elbows on the table and buried my head in my hands, I inhaled a deep, trembling breath and I could hear her tapping her nails on the desk again, then I heard a seat scraping across the floor and suddenly, Mark's hand was on my back.

"We'll think about it," he said quietly. "I won't force you to do anything, we'll talk about it at home."

I felt like crying again, really, and I had to bite my cheek to make sure I didn't. 

It took me a while to regain my composure but I sat upright and turned to Mark. 

"Yeah, okay, when we get home," I said, nodding quickly.

He nodded back at me and smiled. "Don't worry, okay?"

"A little hard not to."

I turned my attention back to Alana and reminded myself not to look annoyed or upset when she said something. 

"So if we were to agree to give her up for adoption, what would happen exactly?"

"Your child will be taken into care as soon as she's able to leave the hospital, and they'll be kept in care until we find some suitable parents, someone will contact you and you'll be told about the parents wanting to adopt your child, you'll then be asked to sign a document that tells us you consent." 

"So ... until that document's signed, we can change our minds?" Mark asked. 

"Yes."

I heard him sigh with relief, and I couldn't avoid doing the same. Even if we had started with the procedure, we could change our minds. 

"Having said that," she said. "To ensure that this process goes as quickly as possible, we should get to work immediately." 

I felt Mark's hand tighten on my shoulder. 

"So, is there any traits you would prefer the adoptive parents had?"

I looked at Mark while he stared off in thought. 

"All I can think of is financial stability," he said.

"That would be something we ensure regardless of request, anything else?"

I looked at my hands on the table for a moment.

"Just," I coughed slightly. "Somebody that'll accept her regardless of her sexuality, I don't want her ta have ta go through the same thing I went through so, yeah, somebody that won't care about that." 

For the first time, her expression softened a little, and she nodded. "Of course," she wrote something down and then looked back at us. "Anything else?"

Mark shook his head, and after a moment of silence, I did the same.

"As long as she's happy, I'm happy." 

*

That evening, Mark and I were on my bed, my cheek on his chest and his arm wrapped around me. It was quite warm in the room, or maybe it was my sweater making me feel that way, and a song I'd never heard before, a soft melody, came from Mark's computer. These two factors combined made sure that I fell asleep pretty easily and about an hour later, I jumped up, eyes blown wide but still heavy with sleep. 

"Is there something wrong?" Mark asked sleepily, apparently disturbed by my jump.

I didn't answer immediately, because that strange feeling in my stomach had returned, but now in a more reduced form, like the first time that had happened.

"No, nothing," I said hesitantly. "Just a dream."

He mumbled something and tightened his grip around me. "About what?"

"Delivering Gracie outta my ass."

"Beautiful."

"Hmm."

He shuffled back, against the pile of pillows that he'd brought with him from his room a few hours before, dragging me with him.

"So, about what happened this morning," he said, his mouth buried in my hair. "What happened?"

"I cried, you hugged me, you started kissing my neck, I got pretty excited, there ya go," I muttered, realizing that there was no need to beat around the bush this time.

He chuckled. "I could, you get all relaxed and all...limp." He smirked. "Well, not all limp, of course, but-"

"Mark!" I groaned. "I didn't want it ta happen, I-I'm y'know, um-"

"Sexually frustrated?" He proposed.

I blushed, but I nodded. "Yeah, haven't been with anyone and that, y'know, thing ya bought me is still in my Ma's place since it wasn't exactly a priority so I'm pretty-"

"Horny?"

"You're really helpful today," I muttered, my cheeks turning red. "But yeah- I didn't mean it, sorry-."

"Are you really apologising for getting a boner?" I interrupted with a loud laugh. 

I shrugged, feeling embarrassed and helpless, not so sure which of the two feelings were dominant. 

"You might not have noticed it," he murmured. "But even I was the exact same."

Another stab of pain shot through my stomach, but I covered the incident coughing and bowing my head 

"I didn't notice," I said. "Until ... well, until I looked at you."

"Until you looked at me?" He asked mockingly. "How'd I look?"

"You were ..." I thought about that for a second. "I dunno, you looked really good."

"Really?"

I turned my head to the side, burying my face into my sweater to avoid "Yeah," I said, my voice muffled by my sweater.

"I love it when you compliment me," he whispered. "It makes me really happy."

"I'll keep that in mind for when yer sad."

"Will you try to cheer me up telling me how great I look?"

"Would it work?"

"It depends."

"On what?"

"On what we happens after the compliments."

"Huh?"

My eyes widened comically when I realized what he was saying, and instinctively raised my head to meet his gaze. There was nothing in his expression to indicate he was joking or that he was making fun of me, and my eyes widened even more - if possible.

"What?" I squeaked. "I-I mean- y-you w-want ta do that with m-me?"

Maybe he didn't look amused before but now he certainly did. 

"You're really adorable, you know?" He said, smiling. "You become all nervous and embarrassed when you talk about sex."

My expression turned sour in response, and his smile widened.

"But to answer your question," he continued. "Of course I do, I thought you knew."

I blinked thoughtfully. "Even when I'm like this?" I asked curious, motioning towards my stomach.

"You're in the mood for compliments today, right?" He said, with a smile, however, before giving me a kiss on the neck lascivious. "But yeah, even when you're like that, especially when you're like that to tell you the truth." 

"It'd probably be a lot more fun when I'm back to normal."

"More fun?" He said and let out a laugh. "What kind of stuff are you thinking about."

"I didn't mean- oh, shut up!"

"Yeah, I know what you mean," he said before he let out a giggle and added: "I wouldn't mind trying stuff with you, even the weird shit."

"Aha," I said, pretending to be thoughtful. "What strange shit are we talking about?"

"I don't know, what do you think of skirts?"

"On you?"

"You'd look pretty hot in one."

"Okay," I chuckled. "What else?"

"Handcuffs?"

"Wow, didn't expect that." I laughed. "What next? Whipped cream?"

"Hey, I'll try anything once." He chuckled. 

"Unfortunately, I don't think we'll be trying any of that." 

"What, not even the skirt? You'd look really hot."

"I'm not wearing a skirt for ya, Mark."

"But you'd be hot."

"Ya have me like this or not at all," I chuckled. 

His pout was replaced by a crooked smile. "I think I like you like this anyway."

"Yeah, right."

"I do, believe it or not."

"I don't."

The smile faded slightly, giving way to something resembling a smile but it looked more sad than happy, he leaned forwards and pressed his head against mine, I sighed, waiting for him to speak. 

"Seriously," he said after a second, his breath blowing in my face. "I want you, in every way possible. I'd love to just have you right here and- " He snorted a laugh. "But it wouldn't be fair, it wouldn't be right, not with her still in the middle."

I noticed the way his voice strained when he said the word 'she', and I was filled with some sort of malevolent happiness. 

"Okay," I said instead. "It's great that you realize that it'd be wrong. I'm happy."

"See? You helped me to be better," he said, and I heard the smile in his voice. "You're teaching me to be better."

"You weren't that different," I said. "Just reckless. You still are, but it's better."

"All thanks to you," he murmured, smiling. "So thanks for not giving up on me."

"I was tempted, believe me." 

"Yeah, I believe you," he said sincerely. He sighed slightly and after that we both sat in silence for a while

"So that woman at the adoption agency was a bitch."

He laughed out loud at that. "No shit, I was seriously pissed off."

"She had her reasons," I looked at him with inquiring eyes. "We still have time to think about this."

"We have to decide as soon as possible," he sighed. "We can't put it off because we think we have time, the wait isn't gonna make us any more brave."

"I know," I muttered. "But ... okay, look, she'll be born on the 24th, we have a week after that to agree on something, okay?"

He nodded. "Yeah, okay. That's good. "

"Did you hear what she said, though?" I asked. "If ya don't wanna sign then I don't have a choice."

"I'm not going to force you to keep her, Jack," he said. "We'll decide on something together, but you have to keep thinking about what I want and I'll do the same for you, okay?" 

I smiled weakly and raised my hand to intertwine my fingers with his. 

"Yeah," I said. "Okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm back at college and I'm swamped with work so that's why this is late and now that this I'm back at college, I'm going to update every 2 days instead of every day :( 
> 
> Anyway, let's talk chapters, a lot happened, the adoption process has begun and, well, Mark is certainly in the mode to give out compliments...
> 
> Have a good day/night <3!


	31. June 17th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark needs to talk to Lauren, Mark makes a deal and the boys have a bad encounter.

Saturday, May 7  
Thirty-seven weeks 

I woke up on Saturday morning with the sound of people shouting. 

A little confused, I sat up groaning miserably, I looked down at my stomach. 

"A great way ta wake up, dont'cha think Gracie?" I asked wearily, stroking my stomach. A few minutes later I was able to decipher that it was Mark and Ara yelling at each other which confused me even more. Ara never yelled, in the time I'd been here I'd never heard her yell even once and Mark never argued with Ara, he told me himself that he always knew she was right so he never bothered to argue. 

Not wanting to interfere with what was happening, I stayed in bed, stroking my stomach and trying to understand what they were saying. It made me feel a little guilty - listening in on something that really didn't concern me- but I was curious. 

It took longer than I expected for the yelling to stop but I guess it only stopped because Mark had slammed his room door shut, probably making Ara angrier than she already was. 

"I certainly can't say it's boring here," I said to myself as I pushed myself off the bed, grabbing onto the side of it to push myself up, once on my feet I looked down at where my stomach was slightly peeking out of my t-shirt.

"It's a good thing yer gonna be outta there soon," I chuckled. "Otherwise I'd need ta get bigger clothes." 

Without bothering to change my clothes, I left the room and headed directly for Mark's room. I hesitated when I found myself in front of the door, not quite sure if he wanted to talk to me or anybody else for that matter, then again my only other option was to sit in my room alone. 

The answer came immediately in a strong and fractious "I know, okay? Go away! "

I frowned slightly, but I supposed that he thought I was Ara. 

"It's me!" I said. 

This time there was no response. 

Maybe they were fighting about me? My heart did a double jump at the thought. What if I had to leave? What if they thought it was better for everyone if I just left? In that case, I'd be screwed because I had nowhere else to go unless I wanted to live right next door to my Ma and Ian at Dodger's place. 

"Sorry," I was so lost in the my thoughts that I hadn't even noticed Mark had opened the door, he stood there without his glasses on wearing an old pair of jeans that looked like they'd definitely reached the end of their life cycle. 

"Did we wake you up?" He asked.

"No," I said quickly.

He raised an eyebrow, clearly not believing me.

"Well, yeah," I admitted, "but it's okay. What happened? Is everything okay? Was it about me? Do I have to leave?"

Amazing. I really did have a talent for blurting shit out. 

"Yeah, sure," he said, sarcastically, "Mom would kick me out before you, turns out she likes you, we weren't arguing about you so don't worry."

"Oh, okay," I said with a sigh of relief.

A moment of silence passed, and I bit my lip.

"So...what was it about?" I asked. "I mean, ya don't have'ta tell me but it's good ta talk to people when yer sad and-"

"Curiosity killed the cat, Jack," he said with a smile and a playful glint in his eyes. "But since you're asking me, I think it's safe to say that my Mom hates Lauren now."

That was the last thing I expected to hear, and my face showed it, my jaw dropped. I'd never thought Ara liked Lauren that much but she'd never expressed any contempt towards her. At least not while I was around. 

"Why? What happened?" I asked. "You haven't knocked her up too, have ya?" I added in a banal attempt at a joke.

"Not likely," he said dryly. "No, this morning Lauren came here, about five am, and she threw a stone at the window in Michael and Daryl's room. It broke and landed on Daryl's bed, he woke up with glass stuck in his back and his arms and, well, everywhere. Dad's at the hospital with him right now."

"Oh my God, are you serious?" I asked with one hand resting on my mouth and eyes wide open. "Is he okay?"

"Yeah, he'll be fine," he sighed. "My mom's stressed out though, an hour ago dad called because Daryl was crying, he wanted Michael, so now my mom has to drive out with him and stay there.

I shook my head and ran a hand over my face in disbelief. Lauren was petty. She was cold. She was cynical. She was rude. She was heartless. I was aware from the moment I met her, but now I could also add 'dangerous' to the list. Throwing a stone through a window was bad enough but through a six year olds window? 

What kind of person does that?

Mark's girlfriend apparently. 

"Why the hell would she do that?" I asked confused. "What's Daryl ever done ta her?"

"Exist," he said, shrugging. "She doesn't like kids."

"Why am I not surprised?"

He smiled.

"No, but really, to be honest I think she...I don't think she meant to hit Daryl's window."

"So what was she aiming for?" I asked.

"Me or you," he said simply.

"What? Why?" I asked confused. "I mean, I know she doesn't like me but-"

"I had a talk with her yesterday," he said. "It went pretty bad."

"Yesterday," I repeated.

Mark had gone to Lauren's place after school but he'd come home and acted pretty normal, like he always did. 

"You didn't mention it."

"I didn't wanna bother you, you already have enough to deal with."

"Mark, c'mon," I said. "If yer mad at Lauren then I'm happy."

"You're a great friend, always concerned," he chuckled.

He moved his arm behind his back and leaned his head back, letting out a loud groan. 

"Wanna sit down?"

It was only then that I noticed how much my back hurt, I'd been standing there for a while and, before I could stop myself, I let out a small whimper. 

"Okay, come on," said Mark then he crossed the room and grabbed me by the waist, refusing to let go of me until I was safely sat on his bed. 

Mark sat at my side, taking a deep breath. We sat there in silence, Mark staring out the window with tired eyes and his mouth turned downwards. 

"So," I began. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Shoot."

"How do ya know it was Lauren?" I hesitated for a moment. "Ya weren't with her, right?"

"What?" He asked, he clearly hadn't expected a question like that if the way his eyes widened had anything to say about it. "No, of course I wasn't with her!" 

He was shocked, I would've made fun of him if the situation weren't such a serious one. 

"I called her this morning and asked her if she knew something." He pursed his lips unhappily. "She was...calm about it, like she already knew something happened, and I know she was drinking last night, which would explain why she hit Daryl's window instead of yours, they're right next to each other, but I know her, she was too calm and the second I asked her about it she denied it was her, I hadn't even accused her."

It wasn't normal for someone to just fling stones through people's windows, not around here, there was next to no crime in this town and if there was it was something as small as a kid stealing a chocolate bar or some high school kids doing some graffiti, nothing like this. 

"It makes sense, I suppose," I said. "So, what happens now?"

"I have to talk to her, I have to confirm everything."

My heart sank a little and I looked down.

"Right. Sure."

Was it naive of me to say that I hoped he'd break up with her?

"I can't just leave it, right?" 

I wasn't sure he was even speaking to me now. 

"It could've been so much worse than just a trip to the emergency room, I-I need to talk to her." He said.

"Yeah, I understand," I said, nodding. "What did your mom say, anyway? She seemed pissed."

"She was," he said with a humorless laugh. "I don't think she's ever been so angry, she hasn't yelled at me like that since she caught me sneaking my dad's whisky out the door when I was thirteen, she's made it explicitly clear that Lauren isn't welcome here anymore."

"Well, that's something," I said. 

"Yeah."

We went silent and it seemed as good a time as any to talk about what happened when Mark was drunk, I didn't want to be the one to fuck his day up even more but I needed answers but I was so scared I could barely get it out, what if he told me it was a joke? A drunken mistake? What if he thought all that then but he's changed his mind? I inhaled deeply and I let out a quiet "Hey, Mark?"

"Yes?"

"I-I know ya probably wanna discuss it now but-" I began hesitantly, "but I just ... I need to know i-if all those things ya said when ya were drunk were real or if it was just, I dunno, a joke or something."

He didn't sigh or groan, but I could tell he wanted to. Not because he was angry, not necessarily, but because I had chosen to talk about this now, the wrong time, but, let's face it, it would always be the wrong time to bring it up if I didn't do it now. 

"You're right, I don't feel like talking about it" he said after a moment's hesitation. "But okay. Just-can I just do this quick?"

"Sure," I said, still a little dubious, not being quite sure on what he meant by "do this quick."

"Okay, then I'll summarise it," he said, leaning forwards to look me straight in the eye. "I remember everything I said - unfortunately - and I meant everything."

I smiled, biting my lower lip to prevent myself from looking like an idiot. 

"Everything?" I asked. 

"Yes, everything," he confirmed.

"But-"

"All of it."

"Yes, but what-"

"Everything, Jack," he interrupted. "Every single word."

"Can I ask ya something?" I asked, he smiled and nodded in response. "Was the part about ya breaking up with Lauren true?"

"Oh, no, I didn't mean that part."

My heart skipped a beat and my face dropped but before I could answer, Mark burst out into hysterical laughter. 

"Yeah, of course it's true," he said. "Like I said, I meant every single word." 

The smile on my face reappeared, this time accompanied by the sound of a half-hysterical laugh and half groan.

"Okay, okay great," I said. 

"So now we can stop talking about this for now?" He asked. "I think we have other things to deal with now like the fact I need to go talk to Lauren and that we've been invited to Felix's place because, apparently, they've worked things out." 

I raised my eyebrows.

Because of everything that had happened recently I'd forgotten about everything Felix and I talked about which made me feel kind of guilty. I didn't want to be that guy that completely forgot about other people because he had some problems. 

"Well, thank God," I said quietly.

"Yeah," he frowned. "Yeah, it's a good thing, but I still think they're hiding shit from me, it feels like they are."

"Why?"

"First of all the fight," he said. "Normal friends don't fight like that, not guys anyway, and they invited us over to celebrate the fact everything's fine now, people don't just do that."

I smiled, trying not to give anything away. 

"If they're hiding anything then they'll tell ya when they feel ready ta say something" I said instead. "I guess so, I just hope I haven't made them think I wouldn't be okay if something was going on." 

Unfortunately, with the way Mark acted sometimes, I couldn't say he hadn't. If he had, he didn't mean to do it. 

"Give them time, Mark."

"Yeah, yeah," he said disdainfully. "Anyway, we're going to Felix's place for beer, pizza and video games tomorrow." He then looked at me and hesitated. "If you want to."

"I don't think I'll be touching any beer." I said.

"You're still okay for pizza and video games though, right?" He asked hopefully. "Come on, I want you to come."

"I will," I said, smiling. "I wouldn't pass up pizza and I get ta see Felix and Cry! Is Ken gonna be there?"

"As if he'd pass up the opportunity to kick Felix's ass at, well, everything," he chuckled. "You should see the game room in Felix's place, it's fucking amazing."

"And I don't wanna miss any of that, I'll be there." I told him. 

"Good," he smiled. "But let me know if you're tired or you're sick or something, promise?"

"You get really worried," I said but he gave me a look that told me to take this seriously and I sighed. "But yeah, I promise."

"Thank you."

"Don't mention it."

He smiled and leaned back on the pillows behind him, closing his eyes.

"I think I should go talk to Lauren now," he said. "But how about we go out when I come back like we were supposed to last week?"

I smile surprised.

"I thought you'd forgot."

"Of course I didn't," he said. "Other things got in the way. So what do you say? I'll talk to Lauren, then I'll get some stuff for us to eat - chips, soda, cakes-"

"And chocolate."

"Chocolate?"

"Don't question it."

"Okay, chocolate too."

"Good boy." I said, smiling and petting his head. 

"Woof woof." He grinned. "But okay, it's all planned then. I'll be back for the four, and we'll go to the park, okay?"

I nodded.

"Sure, just don't try to punch her when ya see her, okay?" I asked. "She'd probably kick yer ass, anyway, ya said she did boxing and all that."

"And I play football, I'd be an even match!"

"I'm sure ya could put up a good fight," I said, quickly petting his knee. "Now get up, get dressed and get out."

"You're kicking me out of my own room?" He asked with a raised eyebrow. "Why don't you get out?"

"Because I'm planning on staying here until ya come back," I said. "I can't move now that I'm comfy and it was you that woke me up so ya can repay me by letting me borrow yer bed." 

"You spend most of your time here anyway," he commented as he stood from his bed heading towards the closet. With his back turned toward me as he pulled off his shirt and his jeans, giving me a pretty great view of his ass. He had a really nice ass. I couldn't tear my eyes away from him, not until he was fully clothed. I tried to pull my gaze away quickly but the way he was smirking made me realise that he knew I'd been staring. 

"Okay, if you're done staring at me," he began. "I'm gonna go, I'll be back at about four."

My cheeks burned. 

"I wasn't staring." Clearly he didn't believe me, and I cleared my throat before adding: "I was just ... Looking."

"If you want to look-" he said as he headed toward the door. "You could try to guess my laptops password, I'm pretty sure there's some pictures on there somewhere." With that, and a dull grin, he stepped out the door and closed it, leaving me with a half-open mouth. 

*

Mark said he would be back at four but he actually came home and fifteen minutes past three. Before then I'd managed to get some sleep, go for a shower - with the door wide open because Ara and Mark had agreed that it was necessary in case I fell of something like that- and make myself some food - by food I meant fries and chocolate pudding cup. When I heard the door open, I assumed it was the rest of the Fischbach family collective coming home from the hospital. 

"Is everything okay?" I asked turning my head towards the door. 

"It's okay," Mark yelled back. "Nobody got punched but Lauren's pissed, she refused to apologise."

He appeared at the doorway and dragged himself towards me, sitting at my side with a sigh. 

"What did I see in her, Jack?" He asked.

"No idea," I answered honestly as I chewed on a fry. 

"There had to be something," he grumbled. "I mean, she- she wasn't always that bad, right? She couldn't be, please tell me she wasn't that bad."

I looked at him sympathetically, I just really wanted to give him a hug. He looked so confused. 

"That girl has spent the last six months making fun of me, putting me down and diminishing all of the self-esteem I had," I said dryly. "I don't think I'm the right person to ask about this," I took a short break. "But since you're asking me: she was always this bad."

He groaned and ran a hand over his face. "The guys told me that she wasn't great from the beginning but, I dunno, I liked her. Not just because she's pretty but she was different, she didn't want all that romantic stuff she was laid back about it all, I liked that in the beginning, and the sex, that was good too."

"Please don't tell me you've been with her this long 'cause she's a good fuck," I said. "I know some guys are like that, but please don't tell me you're like that, not now that yer a decent human being."

"Of course I didn't," he said, apparently a little offended. "We haven't had sex in, I dunno, years." He exaggerated. 

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. 

"Really?"

"Really," he confirmed.

"Oh. Okay then. "

I grabbed another chip and the room wrapped itself back into a comfortable silence. 

"What happened then? Are you still-" 

"Yeah, we haven't broke up," he said.

"Why not?" I asked. "You just said that-"

"It isn't that easy, Jack."

"Why not?"

"Jack, please."

I could not help but throw him a bitter look. 

"Don't say 'please' to me!" I said aloud. "If there really is another reason that you want to stay with her after this then I think I deserve to know what it is a-"

"She knows, okay?" He interrupted sharply. Then he stood up and looked down at me. "She knows everything."

I blinked one, two, three times, assimilating the information, and then I sighed loudly.

"She's blackmailing you, is that it?" I asked.

"No," he said quickly. "I just, I know she'll tell people."

"How does she know?"

"Looking through my phone, all that shit." He grumbled. "If I break up with her she'd tell everyone about those guys, about you."

"How long are ya planning on staying in the closet, Mark?" I asked. "Felix, Cry and Ken already think yer bisexual or gay or something like that, yer family would be fine with it, what's the problem?"

Slowly and almost imperceptibly he shook his head as if to tell me that I didn't understand. 

It took a full minute before his shoulders fell and he began speaking. 

"I don't want to be attracted to men, Jack," he said quietly. "I want to be attracted to girls, I want to settle down with a girl, marry a girl and have a family with a girl. That's how I always saw my life, it's hard to think about the fact that, that image of my life is changing, I don't want things to change, I don't want to say I like guys because then it becomes real."

"It's already real, Mark," I said, my voice much more quiet than I expected. "And saying yer embarrassed about being attracted ta guys doesn't help."

His eyes widened so ridiculously wide but he sat down again, closer now so that we were touching. 

"That isn't what I meant," he said. "It's just that - I never imagined I'd fall in love with a guy, it's so weird to me, I'm not scared of what other people think of me, not really, that isn't the hard part. The hard part is accepting that this is me. I know I like guys as much as I like girls but I need to start accepting that this is who I am, y'know?"

I hadn't considered that, really, when I found out I was gay it was like I'd already known it for a really long time, I didn't ever imagined myself with girls and I didn't put up too much of a fight with my feelings while Mark had been fighting his feelings all this time. 

"I kinda wish you'd told me that sooner, I understand y'know. You need time, just, know that I know people are gonna accept you. You have amazing friends and yer family are basically sent from the heavens."

Finally, a smile appeared on his face, he then turned his gaze onto my belly for a moment.

"Yes, I know," he said and raised his gaze again. "But let me ask you a question, okay?"

"Go on."

"How long can you wait?" He asked. "You've been waiting a while and you've faced all my dumb mood swings, how long can you wait?"

I just smiled. 

"I'll probably jump on ya the second you break up with Lauren," I said. "We have a lot to think about though, there's a baby involved now, so don't rush things, think about yerself before anything else, especially before ya think about us."

He nodded slowly but he seemed to be thinking about something. This went on for half a minute before he turned to me. 

"No, you know what? I want to make a deal," he said.

"A deal?" I asked surprised. "What kind of deal?"

"Prom is on June 17th," he said. "And in less than a month, Gracie's gonna be here and we'll have decided what to do, it'll be the last time k see most of those people."

I nodded, my heart beating a million miles a minute. 

"I wanna go with you," he said. "Do you want to go to prom with me?"

Real tears began to form in my eyes as soon as the words spewed from his mouth. 

"Yes." I said but it came out as more of an embarrassing scream. People don't get this emotional about prom. I chose to blame the hormones on this one, it probably was the hormones. Mainly.

"I'm guessing that's a yes?" He asked, his eyes gleamed.

"Yes, of course it is, ya doof," I said directly, rubbing my eyes quickly. "Of course I want to go with you."

His face lit up with a smile.

"Great," he said. "So, yeah, I have until June 17th to tell the guys and my family, okay?"

I nodded.

"Yeah that's fine. When-"

"I don't know, but before June 17th," he interrupted.

"So, as of June 17th, we're ... what?"

He wrinkled his nose thoughtfully.

"I don't know," he said. "But we'll be something, okay?"

I nodded. 

"Yes, okay, deal."

"Great!" He exclaimed. "Now how about going to the park like we were supposed to?"

"Yeah, okay." 

*

The weather was nice that day - the sky was blue and the sun was shining - and the park was full of families. I felt kind of self-conscious when we passed a family that stared at me like I was a complete freak and I couldn't help noticing people continuing to stare but I still followed Mark with my head down. 

"Are you okay?" Mark asked as we walked. 

"Yes, I'm fine," I said. "I haven't been out in a while. It's nice. The fresh air and everything. It nice ta see people that aren't doctors or you and Dodger or really annoying adoption agency employees."

He laughed.

"That woman was really a bitch; do you think we can ask for someone else? "

I shrugged.

"I don't know. I don't actually understand why Dr. Hayes had us go to her."

"She said it was her friend, right?"

"Yes, and that she wouldn't judge us."

"I think she was wrong."

"Yes. I'm not surprised though."

"What? Why?"

"She's the first person that's been told that believed it and actually didn't like it, it was bound ta happen."

"You shouldn't think like that, you're just-"

"A pregnant man," I said disconcertingly. "It's weird, Mark, I know that."

We'd walked almost to the end of the park by that point and I was about to suggest actually finding somewhere to sit when Mark froze. I turned to face him and found him staring at something with his mouth open and his eyes wide. 

"What?" I asked.

Without saying anything, he raised his hand and pointed to a spot in front of us on the path. 

I Followed his finger and I instantly regretted it. 

"Oh," I whispered, a heavy lump forming in my throat, making me feel as if I was going to suffocate. What Mark had pointed at was two people coming towards us. 'Two People' meant ma and Ian. They were walking hand in hand, smiling and laughing, and something about that made me feel really sad. I didn't care about Ian but seeing my Ma so happy, carefree...it hurt.

"Oh God," I uttered clutching a hand over my mouth and I swallowed harshly, forcing myself not to start crying in the middle of a crowded park. They were approaching us, and I knew I couldn't just turn and walk away, they'd see us. God only knew what I was going to do. 

Mark put his hand on my shoulder amind leaned in. 

"Don't worry, you're okay, everything is okay."

Apparently hed noticed the way my body stiffened. The next few seconds went by like the world was in slow motion; They were getting closer and closer, walking straight ahead, still smiling and laughing like before. For half a second, it looked like they were going to pass us, they were just two meters away from us, and they hadn't noticed us. But then when they were just passing, Ma stopped. 

"What's wrong?" Ian asked, obviously not having noticed us. 

Ma didn't answer, she continued to look at me. Ian continued staring at her, confused, before following her gaze. 

"Oh, hello Sean."

Hello Sean? Was he serious? Probably. Robots couldn't make jokes, they certainly didn't have a sense of humour. 

"You haven't lost any weight, I see," he continued. "If anything, you're getting bigger." He directed a disdainful look at Mark. "But you managed to find a boyfriend."

I struggled to control myself, I felt like I was going to cry and the lump didn't disappear making my breath come out in short, weak gasps. 

I'd never felt like this before - this soul searing, blood boiling, mind numbed by lack of confidence, defeated, humiliated feeling. 

The sadness and defeat were directed to my mother, because even though she'd let Ian kick me out I loved her, some of that sadness was directed at Ian because if he'd never waltzed into out lives everything would be okay. I'd still be at home, I'd still have my Ma, be with my sister. 

"How ... how's Juliet?" I managed to choke out. "A-and the others."

"She found someone, a man," Ian said flatly. "James and Hadley arrived home yesterday."

"Oh," I said. "Say hi from me."

Ian gave me a tight smile in response, and without saying another word, he began to walk again, dragging my Ma with him, she looked back over her shoulder at me and smiled but I didn't return it. 

My body was stiff as a pole until they were gone, and as soon as they were out of sight, I suddenly felt like a deflated balloon. I staggered to the side, having to cling to Mark as a slight whimper escaped from my mouth. 

"Jack? Are you okay?" He asked sounding almost scared. 

"No, I- no, I t-think I want to go home," I whispered, grabbing his shirt as if my life depended on it. "Please?"

"Yeah, sure," he said as he wrapped his hand around my waist. "Let's go."

I didn't answer and we walked all the way back to the car slowly, the first ten minutes in the car were silent. I was still upset, distraught, all of that. It was almost painful. Mark didn't speak, he just let me think, his eyes trained on the road. It wasn't until we were driving up the road to Mark's house that I felt a sharp pain in my lower back. 

"Ow." I muttered. 

Mark immediately glanced at me then back to the road. 

"What?" He asked, his voice a little restless.

I swallowed hard and took a breath before shaking my head. 

"Nothing, she just kicked," I lied.

Mark was already concerned; there was no need to tell him something that would make him more scared than anything, he seemed to accept it and nodded. 

"Let me know if there's something wrong, okay? Even if you think it's nothing."

"Sure." 

Yes, I felt guilty about that. No, I didn't tell him the truth, not even when we got home. 

The rest of the family had returned while we were away but because of the day's events, none of them were happy. This resulted in a very quiet and kind of horrible dinner because nobody was in a good mood, not even the twins. 

The rest of mine and Mark's day was spent in bed alternating between sleeping and talking. I knew he wanted to ask how I was regarding the baby and the situation at the park but he kept his mouth shut. If he'd asked, I'd have lied and I didn't want to do that so I was thankful. 

And that was the reason why I was eternally grateful to go back to my room, safe and sound under the covers before eleven. The clock was at two minutes to eleven when I was hit with that same sharp pain, like the one I'd felt in the car, it was equally as painful but this time it lasted longer - maybe four or five seconds this time then stopped, my hand flew to my belly. 

"Can ya kick a little, Gracie?" I whispered. "I just wanna know if you're okay in there."

There was no answer, and I frowned slightly. But I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. This proved to be a challenging process, but after about an hour, I was half-asleep and on my way to falling asleep, the only problem there was that I was brutally awakened by that same sharp pain from before. It was painful but not painful enough for me to curl in on myself or anything. It couldn't be that bad, right?

"Please okay, Gracie," I muttered wearily, stroking the side of my stomach. "I just need a kick, please."

I didn't get an answer, however, and sighed. Once again I tried to sleep again, but this time I found it was an even greater task. 

It was another hour before a kick interrupted my attempt to doze off, and opened my eyes wide.

"Thank you," I sighed. "Do you think- oh!"

Another set of small pangs hit me, not only on my back this time but my stomach. It lasted about five seconds before fading into nothingness, leaving me with an immediate and growing sense of fear and anxiety.

She's okay, I told myself. I just had to try to believe that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've started to realise that this is painfully close to the end, what do I do with my life when this is over D: ???? 
> 
> Anyway, Jack's Ma and Ian, the McLoughlin siblings are assembling and Lauren's definitely done something wrong...so I wouldn't say this was exactly a happy chapter but quite a lot was said and done this chapter. Cry and Felix are back and okay, pewdiecry lives in! Haha!
> 
> Also, 500 kudos??? That's insane oh my god? How? im super happy about this! This little fic has gone so much further than I imagined I feel like a proud mother :D 
> 
> Have a good day/night guys!


	32. How long have you known?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack is worried and Felix and Cry have something to say.

Sunday, May 8  
Thirty-seven weeks 

There was a moan, a grumble and a yelp as I pulled myself out of bed the next day. I had spent the entire night in a state of agitation; waking up every hour or so and falling asleep maybe ten minutes later. Needless to say I was in a bad mood when I took a shower that morning. Or maybe 'morning' was the wrong word to use because it was past noon. 

Mark hadn't woken up yet so, when I was going to get breakfast, the only people in the kitchen were Ara and the twins who were eating bagels at the table. 

Without saying hello like I normally did, I collapsed on the chair and set my gaze on the table, sighing. I sat like that for a while, trying to keep my eyes open and refrain myself from wailing in pure desperation. 

"Are you tired?" I heard Daryl ask, I looked over at him. His arm was bandaged up now and he seemed absolutely fine, apart from the way he moved. It was sluggish, very unlike him, but I guess I'd be the same if it had happened to me. 

I did my best to smile. 

"Yeah, a little '," I said.

"Why?" He immediately asked, innocently. "Does your back hurt too?"

I tried to smile more but it probably looked more like a grimace. 

"A little," I replied vaguely before turning away quickly. Sitting here lying to a child was really bothering me. 

In my peripheral vision, I saw Ara flattening down a bagel, in an attempt to ensure she wouldn't ask questions, I smiled at her. 

"It's okay," I told her before she had time to say something. "She was just kicking a lot last night."

She stared at me suspiciously but it soon faded and her lips curled up. 

"Try to find a little comfort in the fact that in two weeks it will be over," she said. "When I was pregnant with Mark, he was almost two weeks late, you don't even have to think about that."

I managed to force a laugh. 

"Well, she'll be born in the 24th," I said. "So she won't be late, thank god." 

She smiled again, took a bite of the bagel and the room fell silent as she chewed and swallowed. Suddenly, I didn't feel hungry and the food that was placed about a meter and a half away from me, looked more revolting than palatable. I decided that skipping breakfast would be a smart idea because I had no intentions of making myself even more nauseated. 

"What are you doing today?" Ara asked curiously. "Mark said something about meeting up with some friends."

I was about to respond, when I heard footsteps behind me and hands rest in my shoulders then a chin rest in my head. 

"We're going to meet Cry, Felix and Ken," Mark said. "We'll leave at about five-thirty." 

I turned my head to the side and looked at him, giving him a smile, a real one this time. He smiled back and offered me a 'good morning' before bending to the side and, to my surprise, pressing his lips on my cheek for a brief second. I blinked at him questioningly, but he just smiled at me again before sitting down in the chair next to me and reaching out to grab a bagel. 

My cheeks turned slightly red and I couldn't help but notice the way Ara stared. There was confusion then that was replaced by a bright smile. Mark didn't seem to notice, or perhaps he chose to ignore it and, instead of giving an explanation, he just ate the bagel with a playful glint in his eyes. 

"Okay, are you going to be okay, Jack?" Ara asked when she realised that Mark was not willing to give any explanation.

I blinked, confused.

"Okay with what?"

"Tonight."

"Oh, yeah, right," I said, waving my hand dismissively. "If I'm not I'll just come home, I'll be fine."

"Try saying something like that when you're living in the same house as a pregnant person," Mark interjected. "Easier said than done, believe me."

"Turns out I'm the pregnant one here, Mark, I think I can tell if I'm okay or not," I said.

Or maybe I didn't. I'd been woken up every hour or so by pain in my back and my stomach and I hadn't told anyone about it but I didn't want them to worry if it was nothing. It was normal, right?

"I don't trust you to tell me," he murmured. "But as long as you let me know if there is something wrong, I will follow you and your desire to be an independent young lady."

"Miss Independent," I chuckled. "Thanks Mark. You're making me feel very masculine. "

"You're too cute to be masculine, all pregnant and stuff." He said, earning a glare. 

"I could easily out-man ya."

"We'll see about that soon enough, Lucky Charms." He smirked. 

I had to roll me eyes; like I hadn't heard that one before but I laughed. 

"We'll see Markimoo," I shot back. "Anyway, I think I'm gonna go lie down" I said and stood up from the table "I need to get some sleep before-"

I stopped there because another contraction ran through my body. I had to use every centimeter of self-control that I had to keep a straight face, but Mark and Ara still stared with wide eyes. As soon as the first contraction ended, after about twenty seconds, I smiled and shook my head.

"She's kicking," I offered as an explanation. "She's been kicking so much in the past twelve hours, it's starting ta hurt."

"You haven't cracked your ribs, have you?" Ara said.

"Is that possible? I thought that only happened in movies."

"It's possible," she declared. "Do you think they're cracked?"

I shook my head.

"Nah, I think I'm just kinda bruised, that's all."

Ignoring their continued apprehensive looks, I walked away as quickly as possible before my body decided to attack me again. The second I closed the door, I had to grit my teeth and curl my hands into fists to ensure I didn't make any sounds while my innards and back twitched.

I walked - or staggered would be the correct term - to the bed and dropped on it, trying to control my breathing.

As I lay there, I began to think about what this was. I did have a theory, though I tried to shove that theory away almost as quickly as it appeared. It wasn't true, it wasn't true. But then my insides twisted again....I couldn't possibly be in labor, could I?

My whole body shook with anxiety at the thought, and I looked down.

"Ya know it's way too early ta come out now, right?" I asked, my voice trembling. "Just stay in there a while, we planned everything, remember?"

In that moment, more than ever, I wished she was able to communicate with me with more than just kicks. 

What idiot decided that babies couldn't communicate inside the womb? It guess It would be pretty scary if they just talked but was it really so hard for whatever higher power there could be to just make it so babies learned morse code or something. Babies kick a lot - at least Gracie did- and it would mean that there was an actual message behind the kicks. But, then again, I didn't actually know morse code. I would've, however, been extremely willing to learn it if it meant that I'd always know what was going on in there.

I fell asleep after no more than a few minutes, only to be woken up again forty-five minutes later by a new contraction cycle. This went on for a long, long time and I wondered sadly if that was what I had to endure until the 24th - if this was the case, I couldn't imagine what I'd become by then. 

Probably a serial killer or something akin to a mother bear. 

Maybe I was imagining things - I wouldn't be surprised- but I began to notice that as time went on, the contractions became more frequent. Not by much, but enough to notice it. 

I tried to sleep again for what seemed to be the hundredth time, wishing that my mind would relax and stop thinking about the pain. It was a little difficult considering that, besides becoming more frequent, the contractions were stronger, making me actually wince. 

"Fuck," I groaned and clutched my stomach tightly. "Yer not really thinking about coming out now, are ya?"

Still clutching my stomach, I turned on the other side, facing the wall, hoping to soothe the pain just a little, but the only result I got was ... well, it actually got worse. A growing sense of nausea began to form in the back of my throat, and I wasn't sure if it was caused directly by the pain, the anxiety or both. Either way, I had to put up with it. 

At four seventeen, a new cycle began and it lasted about twenty seconds, I counted. 

It was then that I remembered that Mark and I were going Felix's place in just over an hour. The very thought made me shiver, I couldn't hide this all night. Or maybe I could. We could go, stay for an hour or two, and then I could tell Mark that I hadn't slept much and I was tired and ask if we could go home. I didn't like the idea of lying to him but what other choice did I have?

Tell him that you might be in labor, a voice said in the back of my head. 

"I'm not in labor," I muttered. "It isn't physically possible."

How do you know that?

"I'm not in labor," I repeated, this time a little angry. "I can't be in labor, Gracie's supposed ta be here on the 24th, she'll be here on the 24th, It won't happen now, no."

I looked at the wall, mentally slapping myself for yelling at my own subconscious. I was pretty sure that doing this kind of thing would end with me in a psychiatric hospital. 

So naturally, I began to talk to my stomach. At least I wasn't talking to myself, not really. 

Another twenty five minutes passed before the contractions came back, so strong this time that I curled in on myself. 

I was trying so hard not to make any sound- like a groan or a whine - and bit my lip so hard I managed to make it bleed, I wouldn't have even noticed that if it wasn't for the copper taste in my mouth. Twenty seconds later it was all over, allowing me to breathe quietly and allowing me to relax. 

But it was okay. Fantastic, really.

At 5:20, there was a knock at my door and Michael appeared at the door with a wide grin. I tried to force a smile, but a new contraction struck me and I just ended up with a weird grimace. 

"Mark told me to ask you if you're ready to go," he said. His eyes were large and curious, and I wondered if he'd noticed that I wasn't really okay.

"He said you should just get dressed so you can go play video games with Cry and Felix and Ken!" He dragged the "e" out in Felix and Ken's names and I managed to emit a puff of laughter and used every vestige of strength in my body to sit up and turn myself so that my feet were on the floor. The movement caused some sight pain and I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. I waited for it to pass before glancing over at Michael. 

"Tell him I'll be ready soon," I said. "I just have to ... change my shirt."

With a happy little jump, he was gone again and I rubbed my hand over my face, telling myself to calm down. 

Maybe if I could relax and stop worrying, the pain would go away. 

I took off my shirt and put on a large sweater, I actually didn't know where it came from because I certainly hadn't bought it so I supposed Mark had picked it up or something like that. I stood in the same spot for a few seconds, just to be sure standing didn't hurt too much, before taking a deep, deep breath, straightening up the best that I could, swallowing the lump that was stuck in the the back of my throat, and then I left the room.

Mark was already in the hallway, pulling his shoes on, he looked up and smiled when he saw me. 

"Ready?" He asked, standing up straight and tugging at his jeans. 

I nodded quickly, and I did my best to smile.

"Yeah, sure," I said. I paused for a second. "How long is it gonna be 'till we get there?"

"About five minutes," he said and gave me a questioning look. "Why? Is everything okay?"

"I'm just sore, as usual, Mark," I lied quietly while I slipped my shoes on. 

He seemed satisfied with that and stayed silent until we were in the car. 

"Can I ask you something?" He asked after driving for a minute or two.

I looked at him. 

"Since when do ya ask fer permission ta do that?"

"It's kinda...personal," he said and gave me a quick glance to the side.

I frowned thinking trying to figure out what kind of question he could ask me. 

"Does this have to do my weird...body functions or some shit like that?"

"Weird body functions?" He chuckled. "And what would they be?"

"Nothing, nothing," I said quickly. "What were you going to ask me then?"

Still looking a little smug - the bastard probably knew very well what I meant by weird body functions, but he didn't comment further on the issue.

"Can you still masturbate?"

"C-can I-I what?"

He ignored my stuttering and shrugged nonchalantly. His dumb smirk didn't go unnoticed though. 

"I'm just curious," he defended. "Your stomach is so big so I suppose you can't see your-"

"Oh my God, please be quiet," I interrupted. "I don't really need ta see my dick ta jack off."

A surprised laugh spewed from his lips.

"Interesting," was the only answer he gave.

"Interesting," I repeated. "You're fucking weird, Mark, anyone ever told ya that?"

He chuckled. 

"Yeah, of course, I get told that often."

"Because it's true," I said. "You shouldn't find my damn problems with masturbation interesting."

"Well, to be honest, I find everything about you interesting, not just your problems," he said simply. "But of course your masturbation problems are the most interesting part."

"Yeah, thanks," I said and rolled my eyes.

"And what about that vibrator I bought you?"

"Why the sudden interest in this part of my life?" I said, avoiding the question. 

"Because I feel like it's an interesting part of your life" he said, looking very pleased with himself for some reason. "That's why I'm going to ask you these questions, a lot of them."

"Are you telling me that yer gonna keep asking questions like that?"

"Sure."

"Pervert."

"Yeah, I know, so how is that vibrator I bought you?"

I crossed my arms over my stomach and lowered my head as soon as I felt the blush make its way to my face.

"It's in my Ma's house and even if I had it, I wouldn't really be able to use it that well, fingers don't really work either."

Okay, that last part wasn't necessary. 

"Are your fingers too short, sweetheart?" He said with a wide grin, chuckling slightly. 

"My fingers are fine, thank you very much."

The smile faded two seconds later. 

"Seriously, though, are you okay in that department?"

"No one has ever died from sexual frustration," I said quietly. "I'm fine, don't worry."

"No one has ever died, but it probably gets really uncomfortable," he said. 

Was there any part of my life he wasn't concerned about anymore?

"And I don't want you to be uncomfortable."

"You're really worried about the fact that I'm not getting enough action," I said. "Incredible."

"Orgasms are healthy," he said defensively.

"Don't worry, I'll make up fer my lack of sex when Gracie's born."

I saw him open his mouth half way, as if he was going to say something, but closed it quickly and smiled again. I was fairly certain he was going to make a comment, but in the end he decided to drop it.

He stopped in front of Felix's house, I recognised it from the party but I'd forgotten how big it was. It was maybe two or three times the size of Mark's house. 

"They better to have the pizza ready," Mark said as he got out the car. "Otherwise I might have to resort to cannibalism."

"I bet yer a delightful house guest," I said dryly as I walked toward the house.

"At least I look good and I smell good and shit."

I frowned and fiddled with the hem of my sweater. "Are you talking about me?"

"Wha- no, of course not," he said with wide eyes. "I'm just saying that some people go to other people's houses looking like shit while I actually make some effort, I wasn't insulting you, I promise!"

He just opened the front door, a giant black door that lead into a brightly lit room, yeah this was definitely bigger than Mark's house.

"Don't ya knock?"

"Nah," he shrugged, seeming completely at ease. "We stopped doing that a few years ago, what's the point?"

"Tell that ta the police when yer arrested for trespassing."

"Contrary to popular belief, I'm not that dumb," Mark smirked. "They'd never know."

I was about to make a remark, something to counter him but the twinge of pain in my lower back warned me that I had to get to a bathroom or something if I didn't want Mark to find out about my little problem. 

"Um, where's the bathroom?" I asked.

"Why? Is everything okay?" He asked quickly. If I wasn't actually panicked, I'd have found it funny how he changed from relaxed to panicked so quickly. 

"I need to piss, Mark," I said slowly. "Yer child is sitting on my bladder, so if ya could just show me the direction of the bathroom before I piss myself, that'd be fantastic."

His cheeks flushed slightly.

"Oh, right," he said, and cleared his throat then pointed to the left corridor. "That ones the closest, first door on the left."

Not wasting any more time, I walked as fast as possible towards the bathroom and quickly closed the door behind me, sitting down on the ground as soon as the door closed to ensure that my legs wouldn't give out beneath me. 

It turned out to be a wise decision.

This time the contractions were worse than before and I had to cover my mouth with my arm to muffle my cry of pain. If I hadn't sat down with the wall supporting me, I would've fallen and probably hurt myself. 

Well, I was curled in on myself where I was sitting, but at least I wasn't lying on the ground.

It took about five minutes before I was able to get up to my feet. On shaky legs, I walked over to the sink and turned the tap, letting the water run for a few seconds so it turned cold before splashing my face. 

Needless to say it didn't really help to calm my nerves. I wasn't given much more time to worry about it before I heard a knock at the door. 

"Jack, are you there?" 

I closed my eyes.

"Yes," I said as calmly as I could. I stood there for a while, letting myself calm. I didn't want to look like I'd been crying or in pain or anything, he didn't have to worry. As soon as I was ready, I opened the door and found Mark standing there tapping at his phone. He glanced up at me, looking a little worried. 

"That was a really long piss."

He said, grabbing my arm and leading me further down the hallway. 

"Yeah, well, I can't see my dick, what d'ya expect?"

"How did you avoid peeing on the floor?"

"Animal instincts."

"So you didn't pee on the floor?"

"A gentleman would never tell."

"But what about a pregnant gentleman?"

"Not even them."

"Dang it, I was really interested in knowing how often you piss on the floor."

I wanted to laugh at him but he pushed open a door and we found Ken, Cry and Felix sat on a large black sofa, staring at the TV on the wall to my left, tapping away at controllers. Cry's mask was up enough to see his mouth while he drank from the beer bottle in his hand and Felix had a pair of headphones wrapped around his neck, Ken was wide eyed and was concentrating on the game but they all turned to us when they realised we were there. 

This room was, what I presumed to be, Felix's 'game room' he had a shelf stocked with games at my right side, all in neat lines, a line of a consoles sat on the shelf next to it, he had actual arcade machines in here. I was a little more than impressed. 

"Whoa!" I heard them chorus, Felix lowered his controller to look at me. 

"Were you always this bug or did something happen since we last saw you?" Ken asked, eyes glued to my stomach. Cry slapped the back of his head and Felix gave him an incredulous look so Ken hurried to add "It is not that you look bad or anything, it's just that-"

"No, I'm fat, and I look like shit," I said, as I walked towards the armchair at the side of the couch, sighing at the sudden relief when all the pressure was taken off my back and legs. 

"He's kinda sensitive about it," Mark explained, making me want to get up and slap him. 

"I'm not sensitive," I snapped. "I'm just stating facts."

"He's full of hormones too."

"Stop talking about me like I'm not here," I grunted sourly and crossed my arms protectively around my stomach.

Ken and Mark smiled happily while Cry and Felix smiled in the same way you'd smile at a fussy kid, which I guess I kind of was sometimes. These two we're basically my parents at this point. It was then that I noticed the nervous glance Felix gave Cry as he pet his shoulder lightly. It took less than five seconds for me to put the pieces together. 

They didn't direct their glance to me - it was mainly Mark they looked at- and I couldn't help but wonder if I was right. There was a reason we were here. 

"How is everything, anyway?" Felix asked curiously. "Except for the hormones and stuff."

"Other than that, everything's fine," I lied, and I shrugged. "I feel great."

"Are you sure?" Ken asked, leaning forwards. "You look kinda pale."

If he thought I was pale now, he should've seen how I looked in the bathroom. 

"No, no, I'm fine," I said quickly, shaking my head firmly. "I just didn't get a lot of sleep."

"You didn't sleep last night?" Mark asked and practically leaped from his seat towards me. "Why didn't you tell me? We could've stayed home, I wouldn't- "

"I took a nap before we came here," I interrupted, raising my voice and raising my hands to stop his fussing. His shoulders sagged slightly and he smiled at me. "You need to relax, you're gonna give yourself a heart attack if ya keep going like this."

"Oh, so it's like this all the time?" Cry asked, laughing. "I thought it was just when he couldn't keep his eye on you every second."

Felix and Ken chuckled and Mark curled his lip in annoyance.

"If you got a girl pregnant and she was this close to having the baby, I'd love to see how you'd act." He said sourly. 

I noticed how Felix cheeks turned pink and how Cry swallowed nervously but neither Ken nor Mark seemed to notice.

"I'm not stupid enough to fuck someone without a condom," Ken said with a dismissive wave of his hand. "No offense," he added, with his eyes on me.

"Yeah, except that time I literally had to launch a condom into the room because you're an idiot," Mark said, and raised his eyebrows.

"You didn't," Ken laughed. The room was silent for a second before his smile fell and his brows pulled together. "You didn't, did you?" He said, his eyes darting between all four of us. 

"If I did, no one needs to know," Mark said, smiling and stretching his arms above his head. "At least I saved you from ending up in the same situation."

As soon as the words came out of his mouth, his eyes widened and he moved towards me, putting a hand to his mouth as if he could magically erase what he'd just said. He lowered down to kneel in front of me and placed his hands on my knees. 

"Shit, I'm sorry Jack," he said almost pleadingly. "I didn't mean that, you know I love Gracie and I love you and I-"

"Heart attack, remember?"

"Sorry," he said with a half smile, rising to his feet again.

"Lucky for you, I'm used to the insults," I rolled my eyes and leaned back. "And I'm not going to cry in front of other people, anyway."

He smiled. "So you would've cried if we were at home?"

"Well, I'm basically a walking ball of hormones, right?"

Soon enough, everyone fell into casual conversation, laughing and making playful jabs at each other, Ken talked about Mary, his girlfriend, and the guys all listened intently while he told them about how the ''meet the parents" dinner went. Apparently Mary's mom made really good food. 

I wished I could enjoy this, it was nice, but I could feel the warning, a stab in my lower abdomen while they spoke and my nerves went through the roof. I had to leave, I had to go. As I was about to tell Mark that I was heading to the bathroom, Cry spoke up and I kept my mouth shut because he sounded like he was pretty serious. 

"So, me and Felix made up," Cry said and, for the first time, he actually sounded nervous. He twiddled his thumbs and stared down at the floor. 

"You don't say," Ken muttered, not seeming very interested. 

When no one else said anything, Cry looked between us and Felix.

"You don't want to know what happened?" He asked.

"Something tells me you're gonna tell us anyway," Mark shrugged. 

"But you aren't curious?" Felix asked as he fumbled with his hands. 

Mark let out an incredulous laugh.

"Are you serious?" He said loudly. "I've been asking what was wrong since the day it all started, you both told me to mind my own business and that you have a right to keep secrets."

"Well, we do," Cry told him.

Mark raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms. "But now you don't want to keep it a secret, right?"

"Yeah."

There was moment of silence and I focused on trying to keep a straight face, I didn't want to alert the others and Cry and Felix were in the middle of talking, I didn't want to make them stop whatever they were doing. 

"Tell us then," Mark said.

I silently prayed that I'd just imagined that hint of anger in his voice. 

Felix glanced at Cry who took a long swig of his beer. 

"It is not that we don't trust you," said Felix carefully, as if trying to tiptoe around it. "We just wanted to keep this between us."

"What thing, exactly?" Ken asked, leaning back. He was still as relaxed and calm as he'd been before, it was one of Ken's more admirable qualities. 

Suddenly, I was hit with a strong contraction and I let out a low groan, which I prayed nobody heard, and dug my fingers into the skin on my arm. 

"Me and Cry were fighting because he wanted to come out and I didn't." Felix said a little too quickly. 

It became very, very quiet in the room. I swore I could feel the anxiety radiating off of Cry and Felix. I swallowed, not quite sure where to look, and hoped desperately that someone would speak again before another contraction came around. 

"Come out?" Asked Ken, eventually, "Come out in what sense?"

"We're together," Cry said slowly. 

Both he and Felix seemed pretty relieved, probably because nobody started screaming. 

Mark's eyes were fixed on his lap where his hands were clasped. His face was devoid of any emotion. 

"How long?" He then asked, calmly.

Felix's face turned nervous and I notice Cry reach for Felix's hand. 

"Dating for just over a year, seeing each other for two," muttered Cry, his voice so low and faint that I was barely able to hear it.

Mark took a deep breath.

"Two years," he repeated.

For a few seconds he remained totally motionless but then he practically bounced up to his feet. 

"Two years?" He repeated, louder this time. "Two fucking years! Are you serious?"

It looked like being nervous made the contractions worse because seeing Mark, tall and angry, prompted another round of fast and painful contractions. Nobody seemed to have noticed me so I risked letting out a quiet sob and felt my cheeks turning wet with tears because of the pain. 

"It has nothing to do with you," Felix said. "We just-"

"You guys know I struggled with this shit for months!" He shouted. "And you never thought that letting me know that two of my best friends were in the same situation would help?"

Okay, yes, he was really angry and as Mark got angrier, the contractions seemed to get worse. It didn't take me long to realise that I couldn't be quiet for much longer so I tried to shuffle forwards to go to the bathroom, that only caused more pain. 

"We're sorry Mark, really," said Cry. "It's not like we didn't trust you, we just didn't want to cause unnecessary drama and all that bullshit, I promise."

"So nobody else knew?" He asked, sceptically. "Two years and nobody ever found out?"

"Well, not exactly," Felix shrugged. "Cry's sister and Jack."

I blinked.

Oh fuck.

Was it really necessary to tell him that?

Cry was wondering the same thing apparently because he jolted his head around to look at Felix who instantly reacted by covering his mouth. 

Mark looked over at me, and my heart stopped when I realized that he was angry with me. Another contraction wracked my body and I couldn't do anything but just sit there. 

"Did you know?" Mark asked through clenched teeth. 

I didn't answer but I made a feeble attempt to stand up. It turned out to be more or less impossible.

"Help me, please," I whispered, and held out my hands.

"Did you know?" He asked abruptly, completely ignoring my request for help.

"Mark, please," I whispered.

My innards twitched again and tears welled up in my eyes again. He was being too much of ass for my taste and my previous suspicions about being in labor returned, and this time I couldn't drive them away. All I did was say a weak and trembling "Help me, please."

He didn't react right away - said nothing and did nothing. After a few seconds I heard Felix mutter "Holy shit, Mark," and, at the corner of my eye, I saw Cry stand up and walk towards me.

"Here," said Cry, he reached out to help me, Felix took one hand and Cry took the other, Felix offering a shaky smile as they helped me to my feet. 

It took me a few seconds to realize that I'd made a terrible, terrible mistake.

If I thought the pain was bad before, it was nothing compared to what I was feeling now. The twist in my stomach, the pang in my back, the nausea hit me all at once, worse than ever before. 

Was I dying? I felt like I was most certainly dying. 

"No," I choked as I felt Felix and Cry drawing their hands away "I'll fall of ya let go."

"Can you answer my fucking question now?" Mark asked from where he was standing next to Cry. "Did you or did you not know what was going on between them?"

"I fucking knew!" I shouted, quickly followed by a sob as another contraction rippled through my body. 

"Whoa, hey, is everything okay?" Cry asked. 

"Then why the fuck didn't you tell me?" Mark demanded, grabbing my elbow and promoting Cry to release my hand. 

My mind was overloaded while trying to digest everything that was going on at once - Cry asking me if I was okay, Felix holding my hand and trying to get me to calm down and Mark yelling at me, it was too much. That, on top of the contractions, caused me to let out another sob before I felt myself stumble, Felix's hand slipped from mine and seconds later I was on the floor.

I rolled on my side with one arm wrapped tightly around my stomach, I was panting, I kept crying and the contractions kept coming. 

Suddenly, I felt someone holding onto me, I only realised it was Mark when he spoke. He spoke frantically but his voice was now devoid of anger now, it was more panicked than anything. 

"Jack? Jack, can you hear me?" I heard him ask. "Jack, are you okay?"

"It hurts," I said breathlessly between sobs.

"Is it like the other times, the thing you talked to Dr Hayes about?" To say he sounded terrified would actually be an understatement, he was beyond that. 

I shook my head and curled in on myself. It didn't help alleviate the pain by it made me feel less exposed. 

"So what-"

"Labor," I whispered breathlessly. "The baby-she's-fuck-she's fucking coming now!"

It was quiet before a hysterical scream escaped from Mark's mouth. 

"You're in labor?" He yelled. "How long have you known?"

"Since this morning," I spat out.

"This morning? Why the fuck didn't you- "

"I was too busy trying not to go crazy!" I cried hysterically, followed immediately by a loud inhuman groan. "Oh shit, make it stop!"

"B-but how?" Mark cried. "She's not supposed to be here today, it's-"

"I don't think that's fucking important!" I yelled. "Fer fucks sake, this fucking baby wants out and she wants out now!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE'RE HERE, THIS IS TOTALLY HAPPENING. 
> 
> oh my god, I can't believe we've finally reached this point! 32 chapters! Ah! I'm excited! 
> 
> Have a great day/night guys!!!


	33. Ours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the world, Gracie.

Sunday, May 8  
Thirty-seven weeks

I was completely stressed out, I couldn't do anything but sit there moaning, groaning, panting, cursing and begging for someone to -for the love of all that's good - help me. 

A couple of minutes passed in sheer panic, Mark had managed to muster enough courage to phone Dr Hayes and was screaming something like "how do I do that?" down the phone. 

Ken was standing talking to Ara on the phone, pacing back and forth and Cry and Felix had not long disappeared to an unknown location, Mark said something about blankets and clothes. 

I couldn't tell you how much time passed between the fall and the ambulance arriving, all I knew was that I had never felt so much pain in my whole life, and I suddenly understood all those women on reality TV that swore like sailors because it was pretty similar to what I was doing now. It was also true that I couldn't even scream, so every curse was followed by a groan or a sob. 

Mark was almost more terrified than I was but he still held my hand and spoke to me. 

"Everything's fine, just breathe, you're gonna be okay." He muttered softly and I couldn't muster enough energy to let him know that I'd heard him but I think he knew anyway because he kept doing it, kept trying to reassure me and calm me. 

Shortly after being lifted, I fainted. 

I didn't know why; the stress, the pain or some sedative they'd injected me with without my knowledge, I couldn't have told you, but when I woke up I was in a brightly lit room. 

The walls were white, the ceiling was white, the sheets wrapped around me were white and the nurse at the side of my bed wore white. 

I blinked a few times to adjust myself to the light, but that was before letting out a loud yelp, my hands flying to my stomach as another contraction hit me. I felt someone holding my hand, rubbing it with their thumb, I turned my head and I saw Mark sitting on a chair, leaning forwards, his face pale and almost expressionless. 

"Hey," he said softly, and offered one lopsided smile and squeezed my hand, "are you okay?"

"It hurts," I grunted, frowning. 

"Yeah, I know," he said. "You cried a lot while you were sleeping. It looked like you were dying."

"Something's wrong," I said.

As a signal, another contraction hit me right after, prompting an embarrassing squeal. This went on for about half a minute before it stopped. 

"It's okay, you're not dying," Mark said reassuringly. 

The only thing that made him less reassuring was the terrified expression on his face.

"I hate my life," I grumbled and wiped my wet cheek. 

The corners of his mouth lifted a little.

"It's gonna be over soon, don't worry."

"You aren't allowed ta tell me ta calm down or relax or not ta worry unless you've felt this yerself," I told him to dryly. He raised his eyebrow. "Sorry," 

"I'd say 'don't worry' but I'm not allowed," he commented wryly, and I smiled a little in response. 

He opened his mouth to say something, but I cut him off with a yelp as I squeezed his hand tight. I gasped for air, trying and barely succeeding to keep myself from passing out again, until it passed. 

"Shit," I gasped, my jaw trembling. "How long do I have'ta put up with this?"

"Not much longer now, Mr. McLoughlin," said a female voice to my right, and I jumped turning my head; I had completely forgotten that the nurse was in the room. "I'm going to call the doctor, I'll be back soon."

"I'll be here," I said as she turned and left. 

"She's nice," Mark said with a shrug. "We talked for a while before you woke up."

"Really? About what?"

"About...about how, by midnight, I'll be a dad."

I bit the inside of my cheek and nodded slowly. 

"So I'm really, you know, then?"

"Yeah, you're in labor," he said, confirming the question I had not asked. "I don't know what stage you're in since it's pretty hard to know if your waters have broken, they said they're going to do an emergency c-section, they don't want to risk anything."

"Okay, good," I said absently. There was a moment of silence which was interrupted abruptly by me as I let out another inhuman wail as I screamed "fuck!" at the top of my lungs. 

"Fuck, this is a nightmare," Mark sighed. "You're in pain, and I can't really do much, I feel kinda useless."

"Don't worry," I said, my voice strangely hoarse. "I don't think you'd be able to help anyway."

"That doesn't mean I don't feel useless."

"You know, I shouldn't be the one comforting you" I said with a sarcastic smile.

He smiled. 

"I'm sorry."

I sighed and squeezed his hand. "I'll be fine, Mark. Nobody's gonna get hurt-"

"It's not that," he said, biting his lower lip. "It's just that ... we haven't decided anything. We should've had a couple more weeks, but now we have one and I-it's too early and she's not even nine months old yet, she's too small, right?"

"She isn't too small," I said. "Let's just focus on getting her outta me before we talk about this again."

For a second, it looked like he was going to protest and his mouth opened slightly to support that, however, he quickly shut his mouth. 

"Yeah, okay," he said, instead.

"Thank you." 

"Cry, Felix and Ken are going to pick some things up for her, I was supposed to go shopping for her next week but, obviously, that didn't happen," Mark said. 

I smiled at him, as best as I could, and laughed weakly. 

I glanced up at Mark, bit my lip and glanced down at his lips. God, if I could have one good thing right now it'd be his lips on mine, he seemed to notice the gesture and cocked his head to the side. 

"What?" 

I smiled hesitantly, hoping he could understand what I was asking. Judging from his confused look, he didn't. 

"Mark, come on," I complained, a blush spreading over my cheeks. 

"Oh." And there it is a look of understanding and a smirk. "You want a kiss? Is that it Jackaboy?"

"You're not funny," I attested. "But, since yer bringing it up -fuck! Fucking shit, fuck ya fucking fuck!"

"You're so charming, Jack," he teased, smiling widely. "Especially when you use the word fuck that many times in one sentence."

I wasn't able to do much other than whine in response, but I promised myself I'd smash his head against a wall as soon as this nightmare was over. I let out a groan, as if I had the courage to hurt his stupid pretty face. 

"Are you okay?" He asked. 

"I'm fantastic," I muttered.

He sighed and leaned his hand to wipe the tears running down my cheek. "You're crying."

As if I didn't know. 

"Yeah, well, I'm in a lot of pain, right now," I snapped. "I think I'm allowed ta cry without ya making fun of me!"

"I'm not making fun of you," he said with a little laugh.

"You are," I said harshly pushing his hand away from mine with a sharp tug. "You're doing it and it's not fair because it isn't my fault that yer child all of a sudden decided she wanted out so I'd appreciate it if -"

When I said I wanted a kiss, I didn't expect it to be a fast, passionate, kiss. His glasses slipped down his nose and I didn't really have the strength to do anything but rest my hand in his cheek and attempt to reciprocate the kiss as best as I could. If someone had come in now, I doubt that kiss would have looked enjoyable but it was, despite everything. The initial enthusiasm faded very quickly, and the kiss was reduced from fast and ravenous to slow and gentle. 

He pulled away after a while and, in my opinion, it was too soon so I whined and tried to reach his lips again but he sat completely upright and shook his head. 

"You're gonna get another contraction soon and I'd prefer it if you didn't bite my tongue," was the explanation he offered me with a teasing smile.

Not even a second after that, the nurse from before returned with Dr Hayes trailing behind her. 

"Well, isn't this a surprise?" She said, smiling. "I was getting ready to leave work when I got a call telling me that one of my patients had been hospitalised and that they were pretty sure he was in labor."

I returned the smile listlessly. "Things happen."

"Apparently so," she said. "Has anyone explained the procedure?" 

I shook my head. 

"Well, you'll be given a general anaesthesia so you will be completely unaware of anything going on around you, then you'll be subjected to the cesarean section."

"I'll be unconscious?" I asked anxiously. "Isn't that dangerous fer the baby?"

"It's perfectly safe, don't worry," she said with a reassuring smile. "Usually we use a local anaesthesia and you'd be awake during the procedure but, given the circumstances, we've concluded it would likely be better if you weren't awake," she paused. "Unless you have any objections, of course."

"No, no, that's fine," I said quickly.

"Very good," she said. "We'll start prepping you soon, that'll be in about forty minutes, okay?"

"Okay," I whispered. 

Soon after, she left the room but not before she whispered something to the nurse who then followed her out of the room. 

"Shit," I whined as soon as they closed the door.

"Hey, hey, calm down," Mark said in a calm voice, whilst holding my hand. 

"I don't-I think - forty minutes Mark!" I trembled. "I'm scared."

"I know," he said and sighed softly, "you're gonna be okay, I promise."

We were silent for a few seconds, but soon after I let out a loud scream, gripping Mark's hand tightly. Fuck, this was painful. 

When I calmed down, Mark spoke. But this time, he didn't speak to me. 

"You're big and strong enough to get out now, Gracie," he whispered softly. I wiped a few tears from my cheeks then I laid my eyes on Mark, who was staring intently my stomach. I smiled weakly at the sight. "You're a couple of weeks early, yes, but you're big enough now," he continued, "we're finally getting to meet you, and hear you if what I read about babies crying is true," He looked over at me and offered me a grin in reply to my scowl. "Okay, that's not great but I'm going to miss you just being a bump when you're out here, I can't wait to meet you."

A feeling of despair pervaded across my chest and I blinked to ensure I didn't start crying again. 

"Yeah, me too," I whispered, but it was so weak that I doubted Mark had heard.

We stayed like that for a while, Mark babbling nonsense, before two nurses and a doctor entered. Mark immediately looked up and I gave a mental sigh; was it too much to ask for a moment of tranquility.

"So how is everything?" The doctor asked as he approached the bed. Without waiting for an answer, he continued. "We're ready to begin, Mr. McLoughlin, so if you kindly lie back, I can prepare everything."

I opened my eyes, trying to absorb the news that I had was just given. 

"I- prepare? I-It's happening now? "

"Oh, no, no, don't worry," he said reassuringly. "No, we're only getting ready to put him under."

I saw Mark throw a nervous glance towards the doctor. 

"How long is he gonna be in there?" He asked.

"About three hours, more or less," the doctor said while fumbling with a series of cables and something which appeared to be a gas mask. All together they seemed to form an instrument of torture.

"Three hours?" Mark repeated, "I thought the procedure would last about an hour."

"Normally it would, but we can't be sure as Mr McLoughlin isn't a woman." His tone of voice was authoritative and I wasn't sure wether to be relieved or scared. 

Mark looked nervous, but this time he said nothing. Instead he kept his eyes on me and gently rubbed his thumb back and forth on my hand while I was trying to restrain myself from letting out some embarrassing sobs. 

"Can someone get this baby outta me before I kill someone?" I said as another contraction ran through my body and I groaned, gripping Mark's hand so tight I was sure I was going to break it. He smiled at me, trying to stifle a laugh and that, somehow, made me angry. "Don't look at me like that ya piece of shit, the second this is over I'm fucking killing ya!"

Everything went silent a few seconds, except for me gasping to catch my breath. Then the doctor spoke, and if I thought wanted to kill Mark before, it was nothing compared to how badly I wanted to kill this doctor. 

"He might not be a woman but he certainly screams like one," he said happily.

Not much was said after that, I just sent sour glances at the doctor and, every so often, Mark. Finally, the doctor turned and smiled. 

"I talked to your midwife and she told me that you don't suffer from any allergies and you don't take any prescription medicine, am I right?" He asked.

I nodded.

"And you've never had a tumour or kidney failure?"

I nodded again, but I was beginning to feel uncomfortable. That is, even more uncomfortable than I already was.

"Why d'ya ask?"

"It's a standard procedure, to ensure the information we've been given is correct," he explained. Then he clapped his hands together. "I think we've got everything we need," he said. "So, should we start?"

A stinging sensation of nausea rose in my throat but I swallowed it down and nodded. 

"Yeah, sure," I squeaked. 

"Fantastic!" Where had all this excitement come from? He turned to Mark and smiled. "You should say goodbye to your partner now, you won't see him again for a few hours

"Goodbye?" Mark said hesitantly, "I can't go with him?"

He shook his head. "We don't allow anybody to be present while a patient is under the effects of anaesthesia."

It had never been an appealing thought, Mark being in the room while they sliced me open, but after hearing that there was no way that he could be there, it made me feel kind of scared. 

"I guess I'll see you later, then," I said, trembling. 

He looked worried for more than a second, before getting up.

"Yeah." He bit his lip. "You'll be fine, I'll wait, I promise."

"I know, it's okay," I said hastily; the last thing I wanted right now was for Mark to be worried. 

He leaned forward and took my hand again, sweeping my hair to the side to press a kiss on my forehead. 

"See you soon," he said then looked down at my stomach. "I'll see you both soon." 

He gave a small smile and let go of my hand, maybe it was time to leave, but I quickly grabbed onto his wrist before he had the chance to walk away. 

"Wait until I fall asleep, please?" I said pleadingly. 

He nodded, took a step forwards and laced our fingers together. 

"Sure," he said with a hesitant smile.

Apparently this was allowed. The doctor coughed and I turned my head to look at him, he was holding the mask in his gloved hand and smiling. 

"I'm going to put you under now," he said calmly. 

I cast my eyes down, and I placed the hand that was not intertwined with Mark's to rest on the bump, I wasn't about to start talking nonsense to myself with anyone other than Mark here, so I settled for a gentle caress and a smile. 

"Okay, lie down so that your head is well supported, and lift your chin slightly," the doctor instructed, "and relax, no tense muscles, okay?"

I let out a deep breath and did as he asked, lifting my chin so that my eyes were turned toward the ceiling, taking deep breaths to calm my nerves. 

I couldn't see Mark from my position and it kind of scared me, which was ridiculous because he was holding my hand. 

"Okay, I'm going to place the mask over your mouth and nose," the doctor said as he took a step forward, "and when I do, I need you to take deep breaths and count from one to ten, okay?"

'Okay'?

How else was I going to respond? 'No, it's not okay, I'd actually prefer we didn't do this, I'll just keep the baby inside me, thanks.' I nodded and began mentally preparing myself. 

It was extremely uncomfortable to lie like this, staring straight at the face of a stranger as he put a mask on my face. A plastic mask that I still associated as an instrument of torture. 

For obvious reasons, everything became blurred after that - I didn't even make it to six- and a black veil of unconsciousness fell upon me. 

Maybe I was imagining things - it wouldn't be strange considering the circumstances, right? - But immediately after I dozed off, I swore I heard Mark speak. 

"It's gonna be okay, babe."

*

There are people in this world who can think back to a day, a phase or a scenario and say: "that's when everything changed, for better or for worse"

For some it's religious experiences, for others its reaching a goal, or conquering a fear, finding the love of their life, for some it was finally getting a taste of fame or fortune. 

For others it's a baby.

To say that the awakening process was peaceful would be a lie, I went from being in complete darkness and silence to being exposed to lights and hushed sounds almost immediately, serving no other purpose than to tell me that I was alive. 

I didn't open my eyes, I felt like I had no reason to, I didn't have the strength and, honestly, I was scared of what I might see. I had suffered no loss of memory, which I was happy about, but that didn't mean that the weight of the situation had hit me yet.

I remembered going into labor, I remembered talking with Mark, I remembered talking to a doctor and then breathing through a mask and counting to ten. 

Now I was awake, at least half awake, which must have meant that things went okay, or maybe something did happen. Perhaps it had been several days and I was just now waking up from a coma. 

The baby. Gracie. What if something had gone wrong? What if she was dead? What if I opened my eyes and they told me that I was okay but they couldn't save her or some shit like that? A consuming and overwhelming feeling of total bewilderment swept over me at the thought and I somehow found the energy to cry again. 

Not that I wanted to keep my eyes closed forever, but the thought of opening my eyes again was less inviting than anything else. 

But then there was a sound. A small, tiny sound that seemed to come from far, far away, but at the same time very close to me. I didn't know how to classify it; a cry? A whisper? A lament? A sob? A yelp? Something like that but it didn't sound sad, just helpless. 

Slowly, very slowly, I opened my eyes, looking through the slits, trying to look at my surroundings without actually fully opening them. All I saw, though, was a room - not the same one as before - with the walls painted mild shades of pink, blue, green and yellow. 

"Jack?" I opened my eyes fully, recognising the voice instantly. 

"Jack? Can you hear me?" My head was heavy and I felt nauseated but that didn't stop me from turning my head to look at him, my vision was blurred so all I saw was smudges of colour at my side. I wasn't sure if I could even speak but I had a feeling that I'd probably sound like I was dying. 

"Oh God, you're awake? Can you hear me? Can you see me? How do you feel?"

My vision became less blurred and I found him sitting just beside me with a smile on his face. 

"Yeah, I'm awake," I said lamely. I blinked slowly, languidly. The first thing I noticed was that he didn't seem sad at all which actually made me feel so much better instantly. 

"How do you feel?" He asked softly, moving closer. 

"Sick," I said hoarsely. "Dry throat."

"Do you want me to get you some water?"

I nodded. He looked for something on the bedside table and a second later brought a cup to my lips. 

"Here, open your mouth," he said as he placed a gentle hand on my head, moving a few strands of hair away. It took me several attempts, after spilling half the water from the cup on the bed, but I finally got to drink some water and it felt like heaven. 

I tried to smile again, but I felt as if my muscles were working twice as hard just to do that so I just opted for a "thanks" 

He said nothing, and we both sat in silence for a while. Why wasn't he talking about Gracie? Why wasn't she there? Was something wrong?

"Mark?" I said.

He smiled. "Yes?"

"W-where I-Is she?" I stammered, his brow furrowed. 

Without a word, he stood up from his chair and walked across the room with quick steps. I didn't have the strength to turn my head to see what he was doing or where he was going and that made me panic. 

It took only a few seconds before Mark reappeared in my field of vision, but this time he was holding something in his arms. 

Or, really, someone wrapped in a little pink blanket. 

My eyes widened comically and I stared at Mark, who now had one of the biggest smiles I'd ever seen. 

"Look who finally decided to wake up Gracie," he whispered, looking down at the bundle in his arms. "It's your daddy."

He sat back in his chair and slightly shifted the bundle so that she was lying on his arms instead of his chest.  
I couldn't see anything except the pink blanket, but I wasn't stupid.

"Is she okay?" I asked.

"She's perfect," Mark murmured as he stroked the blanket with one finger. "Absolutely perfect, no defects, no problems, nothing, she's beautiful and healthy and amazing."

"Good," I sighed. She was fine, my baby was fine, despite everything, she was fine. There were so many things that could have gone wrong, there were so many things that could have happened, but nothing happened. Everything was fine. She was fine.

"C-can I hold her?" I said pleadingly. "Please, I need ta see her."

He said nothing, but he nodded and tightened his grip around the bundle and lifted it slightly. 

"I'm going to leave you now, you'll be fine, okay?" He whispered.

The answer came in the form of a small sound similar to what I had heard before. 

"Mark, please," I whispered, stretching out my arms. He nodded and stepped forwards carefully and slowly handed her over to me. 

It was really strange, after all this time she was finally in my arms. Strange, but at the same time amazing. 

I found it hard to believe this was real. 

I, Sean McLoughlin, eighteen, male, had conceived a child, carried her for nine months and was now holding her in my arms. 

A tiny face was all I saw, the rest of her hidden under the blanket, but it was more than enough. Her eyes were closed, her nose was wrinkled slightly, her face was round and a little tuft of dark hair sat on her head. The feeling that coursed through my body was impossible to describe; it was like I'd just fallen in love. 

The right description would be 'love at first sight'. 

It was love at first sight because this little human was mine; I'd carried her for nine months, spoke to her, felt her kick, went through so much with her and, now, here she was in my arms and she was mine. 

"Hi, Gracie," I said as I ran a finger down the side of her face. "Do you remember me? I'm that lunatic that's been complaining to ya fer months."

She didn't open her eyes, but I felt her squirm a little and I was practically beaming by then. "It's nice to meet ya, you're so perfect."

"Yeah, she is."

Mark smiled and leaned his hand in to stroke her cheek. 

"My little girl," he whispered, his voice barely audible. 

"You're so, so beautiful and you're mine," I swallowed. "You're mine."

"And mine," Mark said, and he sat on the side of the bed so that all three of us were together. 

He placed his arm above me and leaned in to press a kiss against the side of my head. 

"She's mine too." 

I shifted slightly to lean against him, careful not to disturb the baby in my arms. 

"Yeah, she's yours," I said softly. 

"She's ours."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here we are. Welcome to the world, Gracie Rose! 
> 
> I'm so happy to have got this far with this sorry, and Gracie being born has made really excited and happy so I'm in a really good mood and have been since this has been written! 
> 
> Have a good day/night everyone!


	34. Am I wrong?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack is learning and Mark knows they really need to talk.

Monday, May 9th

I woke up that morning to hushed voices and panicked a little. 

It was quite possible that I had became a little paranoid. Not that it was some kind of surprise; I'd noticed this the night before when the nurse came to take Gracie away so that I could sleep, I'd whined and complained and was acting like the world was ending when, in reality, they were just putting her to bed.

"You're not gonna take her away from me, right?" I'd asked, clutching onto her. 

"They're just taking her away for the night so you can sleep," Mark assured me. "She'll be back tomorrow when you wake up, don't worry."

"But why can't I keep her? I'm not tired," I whined. That was absolutely a lie - I felt ready to faint - but I'd only had her for a few hours and I wasn't ready to give her away to somebody else, not yet. 

"Yes, you are," Mark said with a wry smile. "You can see her tomorrow but you've gotta sleep now, baby."

In the end he won, of course, with the help of Dr. Hayes and the nurse but the second they took her away, I was crying again. 

"Oh Jack," Mark mumbled as he wrapped his arms around me slowly and let me rest my head on his chest. "She's two minutes away, nobody's taking her away I promise."

When I woke up and I heard the voices, I couldn't help but think they'd come to take her from me after all. The adoption agency. What if they took her away without me knowing?

I opened my eyes and found Mark and Ara standing at the foot of the bed.

"Where is she?" I asked in a hoarse, tired voice. Both turned their heads immediately, Ara's face brightened and she beamed at me. 

"How do you feel?" She asked as she approached the bed. "Sore, I presume,"

I blinked. "No, actually," I said hesitantly.

"Try to move a little," she suggested and I could tell that she quite obviously knew what she was talking about. 

I was quite confused about that but I did as she instructed and, oh god, I groaned in pain. Yes, there was pain in my lower abdomen, I didn't know how I'd forgotten about it because I'm pretty sure Dr Hayes had told me about that being a side-effect. 

"It'll be better soon," she said. "The doctor said the pain will become more of a discomfort in the next few weeks."

Discomfort? I frowned. That didn't seem good, but I had more pressing problems to deal with. 

"Where's the baby?" I asked, looking first at Ara then Mark, who's expression transformed from normal to ecstatic in a second.

"Y'know, it's great you woke up," he said. "Because it's feeding time and you can do it yourself."

I was so relieved that nobody had taken her away from me and let out a sigh of relief. 

"Are you okay?" Mark asked, looking worried.

I nodded quickly. "Yeah, I'm fine," I said.

There was silence for a few moments and I coughed, clearing my throat.

"Feeding time?" I asked.

He grinned. 

"Y'know, we could always check if you produced any milk an-"

"No," I cut him off before he could even finish the sentence.

"Guess she's still using the bottle then." He said with a laugh.

"Still using the bottle?" I said vaguely. "Did you already feed her?"

"She was born twelve hours ago," he said, smiling. "Do you think she could've survived this long without food?"

I became immediately silent. Twelve hours and I was already proving to be a bad parent. 

"Of course not," I said, a slight blush spreading across my face. "I just didn't think..." I paused. "So ... Who fed her?"

"Me" Mark said proudly, placing both hands on his hips and smiling wide. "And I didn't mess it up."

"You spilled milk on her face and your hand" said Ara. "And I'm not actually sure how you did that since the bottle was supposed to be spill-proof."

He huffed and sent Ara daggers. "It was my first time feeding her, what do you expect?"

"Nobody was hurt and that's what matters," she said with a weak smile.

"Is she eating enough?" I asked before Mark could respond with an indecent comment.

Mark chuckled. "Oh, she eats enough, I think she'd suck the bottle up if she could." His expression softened. "She falls asleep with the bottle in her mouth, after that she's out, she doesn't have that much energy."

"You fell asleep with her in your arms, so neither do you," Ara said, petting his shoulder and brushing her hand against his cheek. "You haven't slept since you got here."

"Ya haven't slept?" I said, raising my eyebrow at him. "What the hell, Mark? Go home and go ta sleep!"

"Oh, relax, I'm fine," he said dismissively, waving his hand and batting his mom away. 

"Ya aren't allowed ta hold her 'till you've slept," I said. "You could drop her or something."

For a second, he looked completely dumbfounded and I was sure he was gonna get mad but he didn't, he just smiled. 

"Look, we're already worrying, we're gonna be great parents."

He looked so happy and optimistic now that I didn't have the heart to remind him that we may not be parents for much longer. It seemed that Ara was on the same wavelength as me as she gave me a soft, sympathetic smile. She didn't say anything either. 

When Gracie was back in my arms it was noon, I was so overwhelmingly happy to see her again that I could've cried. I didn't, of course. 

She was whimpering, ready to cry again, and her eyes were wide open now. She had my eyes, a slightly less bright shade of blue. 

"She's probably hungry," Mark said. "Sydney, the nurse, said that she needs fed every two or three hours."

He left and, a few minutes later, he returned with Sydney behind him. 

"Do you want to do it?" He asked. 

I nodded vigorously and his face broke out into a grin. 

"I just don't know how ta do it." I hesitantly accepted the bottle but I just stared at it and held it at arms length. "Do I just, y'know, do it or..."

"Just make sure that the teat is always full of milk, then she won't drink down too much air," Sydney instructed. "If she does she'll get a stomach ache, and we really want to avoid that."

"She has to stay like this?" I asked, looking down at where she was lying in my arms with her head raised a little higher than the rest of her body. She was wearing a yellow sleepsuit with a little bear printed on it and a small hat that completely covered that dark tuft of hair on her head. 

I was sure that if I lay in the position for too long, I'd probably cramp up but she seemed completely unbothered by the fact she was laying like that and more bothered by the fact she wasn't being fed. 

The nurse didn't have a chance to respond before the baby's small, miserable whined turned into sobs. 'Screams' would be a better word. 

"What did I do?" I asked desperately. "Does she hate me?"

"She's just hungry, honey, don't worry," Sydney said with a smile. 

"She hates me," I whined. I looked down at her, biting my lip nervously. "I'm sorry baby, I'm sorry," I apologised. "I know yer hungry, but I'm really new ta all this, you've gotta let me learn."

"Just do what I tell you and you'll be fine," Sydney said, quietly. "Tilt the bottle so that the teat is full of milk and then lay it on her lips, she already knows what to do."

Dejected for having already made her cry, I slightly tilted the bottle, taking a few seconds to ensure that the teat was full of milk like Sydney had said. 

When I realized that her crying was becoming much louder, I felt like crying too. What kind of parents couldn't even feed their own baby?

It was a great relief when I did as Sydney instructed and her cries died down as she began to drink. I smiled a little because Mark was right - it was like she was trying to take the bottle down with her. 

"How long do I have'ta do this?" I asked after a minute or two had passed. 

"She'll stop by herself when she's full," Sydney said. "But you can try pulling the bottle away now if you want to see a reaction.

I did, but the answer came in the form of hiccups, and whimpers and I almost immediately placed it back in her mouth. She didn't need to cry again. 

"I don't think she's finished," I said.

As expected, Mark was right about her nodding off with the bottle in her mouth. She drank happily for a while and I noticed her eyelids getting heavier and heavier. There were only a drop or two left when her eyes were completely closed and I couldn't help but smile.

"I think it's safe to say she's asleep now," I said softly as I sat the, now empty, bottle on the table next to me. Still smiling, I rested my hand in her chest and pet it gently. 

"You're not going to like this, but I have to ask you to leave her for a while," the nurse said, and I looked up, eyebrows raised.

"Why?" I asked. "You aren't taking her away, right?"

She chuckled at those words and shook her head.

"No, of course not," she said. "But you have to go for a walk and you can't walk and carry her."

"Go for a walk," I repeated. "Can't I just, y'know, stay here with her?"

"You could, but you'll recover much sooner if you get up and allow your blood to circulate, it helps to prevent blood clots amongst other things-"

I really didn't need any more convincing, so fifteen minutes later I was standing next to my bed on wobbly legs, staring down at my belly. 

"Why's it still so big?" I complained as I walked out the door to the corridor, Mark clung to my left arm and Sydney clung to my right, Ara had stayed behind to look after the baby. 

"Shouldn't my stomach have gone back ta normal?" 

"Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way," Sydney explained. "It would take about six- well it might be different since you're a man, but if you were a woman it'd take between six to eight weeks for your uterus to return to its normal size and then, after that, it would take a lot of exercise for your body to return to its original form."

My heart skipped a beat, and the corners of my mouth curled down. I turned my head towards Mark. 

"We shouldn't go ta prom together" I said sadly. "It's a month away, people are gonna stare at me and I'm gonna look like shit."

"You won't," he said with a smile. "You-"

"Yes, I will," I interrupted. I clenched my jaw for a moment. "I won't go, take Lauren instead or somethin'."

"Don't be ridiculous," he said, rolling his eyes. "We'll talk about this later, okay?"

I didn't have enough energy to argue with him, so I turned my head and began to walk slowly.

The rest of the day was spent in bed with the baby in my arms and Mark sat with one arm around my shoulders and the other on the baby's belly. 

Ara hadn't long left after nine o'clock, she'd let the twins come in and they'd been particularly excited at the sight of her but Ara had quickly made them calm. They'd asked a lot of questions about her but they mostly just wanted to look at her and ogle over her. When she left, the room was a lot quieter than before and it felt kind of weird but, thankfully, Mark stayed with me. At least for now. 

"Felix texted me earlier," Mark said with his face buried in my hair. "He asked if it's okay for him, Cry and Ken to come here tomorrow, is that okay? Oh and Dodger texted you and I told her what happened, she wants to come see her too so I thought it'd be better if our friends came at the same time, is that okay?"

"Yeah, that's fine," I said with eyes fixed on the sleeping baby in my arms. I hesitated for a second. "Is that gonna be okay fer you? Things ended kinda...bad between you guys yesterday."

"I'm not giving up any opportunities to show off my daughter," he said with a huge smile.

I tilted my head to one side.

"Seriously, Mark," I said. "Are ya still mad at them?"

He dropped the smile and looked down for a second.

"I'm not angry," he said. "I'm just disappointed that I was one of the last to find out."

"They just wanted to make nobody else found out," I said. "It had nothing ta do with you."

"I know, I know," he said sadly. "It's just that- it would've helped me to know that they wouldn't judge me. They knew it was hard for me to accept myself and it really would've helped."

"They knew?" I asked. "You told them?"

"I never told them but let's face it, Cry and Felix knew. They've always known." 

I raised my eyebrows and I licked my lips subconsciously.

"Okay, just ta get things straight," I said slowly. "You're angry at them fer not telling ya about their sexualities when you never told them about your sexuality."

He froze, stared at me then slowly smiled. 

"I hate when you're right," was all he said. 

I smiled back at him. 

"Be nice tomorrow, ya doof."

"I'm always nice."

"Sure ya are."

"Hmm," he went silent for a moment. "So you knew about them?"

I tensed up for just a second, but he didn't seem angry or like he was blaming something on me so I nodded. 

"Yeah I knew," I replied.

"How? Did they just decide to tell you?"

"No, I-I was in the bathroom and they didn't see me, they kissed and they didn't really have much of a choice to be honest," I said, and I couldn't avoid sounding slightly apologetic. 

"Oh," he rested his cheek on the side of my head. "When did that happen?"

"A long time ago," I said. "A few weeks before Christmas, I think."

"And you hid it from me for that long?"

I sighed. 

"It wasn't my secret to tell, Mark."

"I suppose not."

"So, are we okay?"

He chuckled and I felt him kiss the side of my head.

"Okay," he said. "I think we have much more important things to talk about anyway."

"Like what?"

"The baby, Jack," he said quietly. "What are we gonna do?"

I expected this sooner or later but I wished it wasn't now. It seemed too soon to talk about this despite the fact she was born more than 24 hours before. 

Mark had made me face the problem and I had no choice but to respond. 

"I- do we have ta talk about this right now?" I asked. "It's late and I'm tired, I don't think it's the right time to discuss it."

"There won't be a next time," he murmured. "She's here now and we all go home on Wednesday, we have until Wednesday to decide." 

Wednesday.

Two days from now. No, it wasn't even two full days, more like one and a few hours. 

To think that in a day and a half the baby could have been taken away from me forever made me let out an involuntary sigh. 

"It's too hard," I whispered. "No, I- I can't let them just take her, I don't want them to, but it'd be way too selfish ta keep her."

"It wouldn't be selfish."

"Yes, it would," I choked out. "Because I- I can't give her a good life, I can't give her what she needs. I want her ta have the best life possible, but I can't give her that and I don't want her to hold that against me, I'm supposed ta be her parent and I can't even do that."

"You love her," Mark said calmly. "And I love her, I don't want to give her up, not now."

I could not even try answering; my head, heart, stomach, and every other single part of me hurt at the very thought of making that final decision. 

"We can give her a good life, babe, you know we can," he murmured. "I already told you my plan; everything will be fine, we'll do this together."

"We're not even together, Mark," I told him miserably. "And you want to live together and raise a baby, somebody's gonna get hurt in the end."

"Why?"

"Huh?"

"Why will someone get hurt in the end?"

"Because we'll live together," I said in a broken voice. "And I love you, but at some point you're gonna date eventually, I've already seen ya be with someone else for a long time and I don't think I can do it again, I'll fall even more in fuckin' love with ya and, yeah, I can't do that, not with a baby. It's not fair."

I had talked so fast that I was almost sure Mark hadn't picked a word up, I spoke fast normally but this was beyond fast. 

"What the fuck are you talking about?" 

I didn't answer and he chuckled slightly. 

"When I said I wanted us to live together, I meant as a couple."

"As a couple?" I squeaked, jolting a little.

"Yes. I mean, we obviously can't just fling ourselves into a relationship, but we can do it slowly. We can just, y'know, see where life takes us," he laughed. "Did you really think we'd live together as just friends when it's kinda obvious that we're more than that?"

I shrugged and he chuckled again. 

"That would never work, even I, with my limited intelligence, know that."

I stifled a laugh.

"Your intelligence isn't limited," I said. "Sometimes ya just don't think."

"Yeah, well, it's the same thing," he shrugged. 

There was silence for a while then I sighed. 

"I know it's gonna be hard," he said softly, "but I have you, we can do this together, I love you."

He'd said I love you before but it was always a hasty comment instead of a real confession. This, however, seemed to be a confession, and I smiled faintly to myself before I raised my head to look at him. Some things are better left unsaid, sometimes it's better if they just know. I think he did. 

"Yeah," I said softly. "I love you too."

His eyes lit up with happiness, and he didn't hesitate pressing a soft kiss on my lips. It only lasted a few seconds but it was enough to make my heart go crazy and my stomach explode with butterflies. 

It was nothing more than a peck because Sydney had entered the room. She looked confused for a second and I couldn't help but blush. 

"Sorry for the interruption," she said with a smile that said he knew very well what was happening. "I just came by to ask if you want me to take her away now."

Honestly, I felt my heart drop into my stomach, I was upset by the thought of her leaving again but then I looked down at her and sighed, I was tired and I couldn't sit here with her in my arms all night. 

"Yeah, okay," I said and shuffled around slightly to let Sydney take her. She was still fast asleep, like a rag doll in my hands, and I placed a kiss on her head, murmuring a "goodnight," before handing her over. 

"What about me? Don't I get to say goodnight? " Mark asked, pouting. 

"Yer legs work, go do it now," I said.  
He shook his head with mock indignation.

"Just when I was getting comfortable," he muttered as he stood up.

His goodnight wasn't as fast as mine; He spent two full minutes just caressing every inch of her body, her cheeks and her arms and her legs, while whispering his good nights. 

"Night night, don't get into too much trouble, okay?" 

I wanted to tease him for that, because, really, how could a baby get into trouble? But he seemed so happy, so out of it, that I decided not to say anything. 

When Sydney left with her, Mark returned to his previous position on the bed beside me. He smelled weird, probably because he hadn't been home in the past 24 hours and had almost definitely had a lot of things spilled on him. 

"I think you should go home," I said with a faint yawn. "Ya smell weird and you've gotta be exhausted."

"I'm not leaving," he said. "I want to be here in case something happens."

"So, what? You're not going to wash or sleep?"

"I can sleep here with you, right?" He looked amused for some reason unknown to me.

"The bed is small enough without you being here too," I said; to be honest I didn't want him to leave but I really wanted him to take a shower. 

"We'll survive," he said. 

He let out a sigh of despair when I moved away from him. 

"Don't look at me like that," I scolded when he looked at me with a look of pure betrayal. "Go take a damn shower and stop sitting in yer own stink."

"In my own stink?" He snorted. 

"You smell like milk and poop" 

He crossed his arms over chest. 

"I had to change her, mom didn't wanna help, she just sat there laughing at me, I felt really betrayed."

I couldn't help but laugh, he tried to keep his face serious but he finally broke out into a smile. 

"Shower, Mark."

"Yeah, yeah," he said. "You stay here, get some sleep."

He sat up and pushed himself off the bed. 

"Okay. Be sure to get rid of all ... stinks."

He simply smiled in response then began walking away. 

"Hey, d'ya have something to wear?"

"What do you mean?"

"I- well, if yer staying then you need somethin' ta wear, right?"

He shrugged. 

"I usually sleep naked."

"Mark! We're in a hospital-" I noticed the nascent smile on his face, and closed my mouth sending him a bitter look.

"My mom brought some clothes for me when she brought Michael and Daryl in," he said calmly. "She packed pyjama pants."

"You asked her to a bring pyjama pants?" I asked, kind of surprised he thought about that.

"No, I think she just guessed she should bring them," 

He stood there for a second before turning around for the second time and disappearing out the door. 

The room fell into a deathly silence, it was really quiet and really cold when there was no one to keep me company, and I realized that this was the first time I'd been alone since I got here. 

On second thought, it was the first time in nine months. I looked down at my stomach, which was covered by a layer of bandages, and the sides of my mouth arched down when I realized that there was nothing there. Just me. 

I didn't have anyone to talk to now.

Maybe it was ridiculous, because I never got an answer from her when I spoke to her but at least she was there to offer me a kick once in a while, telling me I wasn't completely alone. She wasn't here though. She wasn't even in the same room, she was all alone in some room with nobody to hold her and- okay, maybe that was an overreaction but she wasn't here with me. 

When Mark returned, red hair damp against his forehead and his jeans swapped out for a pair of blue pyjama pants, I was reduced to a whimpering mess, my head in my pillow trying to muffle my sobs. 

"Jack?" He said cautiously as he approached the bed. "What's wrong?"

I looked up and I wiped my eyes of any remaining tears. 

"She isn't here," I said. 

He walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, looking at me with worried eyes. 

"Who isn't here?"

"The baby," I said. "She isn't here, she's alone, she's not with me and I fuckin' hate it."

"She isn't alone, Jack," he said with a small smile as he sat down next to me. "There's other babies there, she's got Sydney to look after her, she'll be okay."

"Yeah, but she isn't here," I whined. "She's supposed to be here, not with strangers, she needs to be with us."

I looked up at him and I kind of surprised to find he was frowning. 

"I really hate to say it when you're clearly upset," he said cautiously as he passed his hand through my - probably greasy - hair. "But that's what I've been saying for months, you refused to even think about it."

I calmed down a little and frowned. 

"What do you mean?"

"I've been telling you for months that I want to keep her because the idea of her growing up with other people makes me feel sick, you basically just said the same thing."

"I- that's- no, that's not what I said," I protested weakly. "I just said that I didn't want her ta be in another room right now."

His expression changed to one of exasperation. 

"I really hate to be the one to tell you, baby, but ... look at you." He paused, looking at my puzzled expression, before sighing. "You were crying because she's in another room. How do you think you're gonna feel when another couple has her?"

"Don't," I said, shaking my head slowly and refusing to meet his gaze. "I just, I- I don't want to talk about it Mark, please."

"You're contradicting yourself," he said. "And we need to make a decision Jack, please."

I bit my lower lip trying to stop it from trembling. 

"Stop forcing me," I said, my voice so faint that I wasn't even sure he heard it. "I don't want to think about, never mind talk about it." 

"Holy shit, Jack!" He exclaimed. "We need to talk about this!"

"I already had my mind set, then you couldn't accept that I was giving her away, we shouldn't really need ta talk about anything."

He clenched his fists. 

"You're going to be completely broken if we give her up."

"Yer just saying this to get what you want," I said coldly, looking into his eyes defiantly.

"Am I wrong?" He asked. "Will you be okay if we give her away?"

I looked down and swallowed. I didn't give him an answer because I was pretty sure that my voice would break if I tried to speak. Instead I shook my head and crossed my arms protectively around myself.

"You won't be," he said softly after a long, long silence. "You'll be devastated. I'm not just saying that because I want to keep her, I'm telling you because I don't want to see you suffer. You'll definitely suffer if we give her away, Jack, it'll kill you."

Obviously I would suffer, I knew that, but that didn't change the fact that I wasn't the only one to consider. This was too big for me to think about how I'd feel. 

"It'd be selfish, Mark."

"It wouldn't be selfish, not when we know that we can take care of her," he fidgeted for a moment before lying down beside me and pressing his forehead against mine. "It's not selfish to think about how you'll feel," He stopped there and I heard him swallow before continuing. "I-I'm scared that if you give her away, you'll lose it. My mom agrees with me."

I blinked. 

"What-"

"We talked about it earlier," he trailed off warily. "And she agrees that...she agrees you'll lose it if we give her up."

"You don't know that," I said, but it came out barely audible. "Maybe, after a few days, I'll be fine."

"Maybe," he said. "But I doubt it."

He smiled and touched the tip of his nose to mine. 

"We'll talk tomorrow, when my mom gets here, okay? Maybe it'll be easier with somebody else here." 

I nodded silently and he pulled me closer so that my head was on his chest. 

"Do you think we could...go in there and take her?" I whispered against his chest. "I mean, do ya think we could just keep her here tonight?"

"I'll go ask," he said and quickly kissed my forehead before getting up from the bed and disappearing through the door. 

I didn't have time contemplate my loneliness this time, because he was back in less than three minutes with Sydney, who was pushing something in front of her. 

"You just can't stay away for too long, huh?" She said with a small smile.

I sat up in bed quickly, wincing a little at the pain, as I craned my neck to see her.

"Don't strain yourself," Mark said with a hint of laughter as he picked Gracie up and cradled her close to his chest, smiling down at her. Sydney pushed the cradle into the room and placed it next to the bed, Mark took his spot next to me and I stretched out my arms to tell him to put her there. With a smile, Mark handed her to me slowly.

"Hey," he whispered softly. "Sorry for all the moving around."

She obviously didn't respond and actually stayed sound asleep. 

"I've just missed ya, that's all," I said softly as I pulled her close to me, leaning her on my chest. I felt her small, balled up hands rest there and I couldn't help but smile. 

I really didn't want to give her up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh little Gracie, little light of my life ^_^! 
> 
> The boys are still discussing things, little Gracie's future lies with them. The guys and Dodger are visiting so, we have that to look forward to! 
> 
> I'm so happy you guys liked the last chapter! The feedback was amazing! 
> 
> Have a good day/night guys!


	35. I promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gracie makes everyone fall in love and Mark makes a promise.

Tuesday, May 10th

"So, you didn't actually give birth?" Ken asked, cocking his head to the side, he actually looked a little disappointed when Mark had explained that to him. 

"No, I got a c-section, I didn't wanna risk tearing my asshole in two," I replied monotonously and threw a look of disdain towards Mark. 

Mark seemed to find this entire situation more than hilarious, that stupid smirk on his face told me that. 

"Yeah, don't think that would've been a pretty site," he said nonchalantly. 

"Ken, maybe we shouldn't question him," Felix said loudly from where he sat at the foot of the bed with Cry at his side. I realised they were sitting a little bit away from each other, maybe they were trying not to make Mark angry.

The three of them were acting like nothing was wrong so I could only hope that it'd stay that way. I had a baby who was asleep in my arms, so if Mark started screaming he'd wake her up and she'd, more likely than not, cry. 

"What? I was just asking a question," Ken shrugged.

"Yeah, we heard," Felix chuckled.

Ken rolled his eyes and took a swig from the bottle of Coke in his hand.

"How does it feel, Jack?" Dodger asked, leaning forwards.

Dodger had come in with the guys, Cry mentioned that Mark asked them to pick her up and that she was 'pretty cool'. She sat right next to Mark and I'd never been so happy to see her in my life, she was practically in love with the baby the second she laid eyes on her. 

"What?"

"Being a dad."

I sighed and leaned back. 

"It's kinda weird, y'know?" I said, shrugging. 

"It's gotta be, you carried this little princess around for nine months and now she's here, it's gotta be all kinds of weird."

"It is."

"Im right here to help with anything you need, you know that right?" She smiled. "I promise, I'm gonna spoil her."

I wanted to tell her that it was very possible that the baby wouldn't be around for much longer to call but I decided against it, no need to bring it up with Mark again before Ara got here so I just nodded. 

"Thanks."

"Anyway, that doctor that came in earlier, he was pretty hot." She said happily, smirking. 

"He's 39," I said raising an eyebrow at her while she giggled. "He's married."

"Look, Jack, we can't all be as in love as you four are."

She made a gesture towards me and Mark then Cry and Felix. 

The room was silent; my face reddened, Mark's face reddened and Felix's face reddened - I couldn't say much for Cry's face though since I couldn't actually see his face. 

"You make it sound like we're in one big relationship," Cry muttered, then laughed a little. 

Felix and Mark uttered sounds of disgust while I just wrinkled my nose. 

"I don't think that would work out well," Felix chuckled and Mark nodded in agreement. 

"Yeah, I think I'll just stick with Jack," Mark cheered, leaning forwards to pat my arm. 

I started smiling wide but I didn't say anything in response. 

"You will, huh?" Cry asked. "What about your precious girlfriend, Lauren? Judging from how she questioned us about you today, I assume you're still together."

"I'm working on it," he said, "I mean, she won't actually be shocked considering how things have been going between us, I'm kinda surprised she hasn't broken up with me yet."

"We're a month away from prom," Ken said with a laugh, "she's not risking going alone."

"Too bad," said Mark stretching his arms above his head.

"What, are you not gonna give her some space between now and prom?" Cry asked. "if you wait it out, she'd have no chance of finding someone."

Mark smirked. 

"Something like that."

"Ya don't have'ta be so cruel about it," I scolded, I felt like a mother trying to keep her son in line. 

I never liked Lauren and I'd never lie and say that I did but Mark didn't need to become that. I didn't care wether she found a date or not, as long as that date wasn't Mark. 

"Right, like you wouldn't like to see her all angry and alone at prom"

I tried to do my best not to smile but I'd failed miserably if Mark's smile had anything to say about it. 

"If ya went with me, she'd just be angry," I said. "I don't know about you but I don't wanna get my ass kicked."

"I'll protect you, don't worry," Mark said, earning a chorus of laughter from the others. 

"I think she'd kick your ass," said Ken, then Felix and Cry nodded in agreement. 

Dodger didn't agree nor disagree but she laughed and looked over at me; she wanted me to explain the Lauren situation, I could tell, but that was a story for later and she knew that too. 

"Whatever, I'm a fucking man! I could totally beat her!" he said, flexing his arms. 

"I'm sure ya could, at least, put up a fight."

"Is it okay if we say stuff like that in front of her?" Dodger asked before anybody else could make a comment on Mark's virility. Or on scarcity, it depends.

I glanced down at her.

 "She's fast asleep," I said. "I don't think she's learning yet."

"I heard babies have brains like sponges and that they pick everything up," she said, thoughtfully. 

"I think that's true when they're a little older," Mark muttered. "Y'know, when they do more than eat, sleep and poop."

The others laughed, but I frowned and then raised my eyebrow at him. 

"She's isn't even two days old; what d'ya expect her to do?"

"Cry less."

"Ya aren't funny." 

I felt her fussing in my arms and, seconds later, she began to whimper. A small whimper followed by a series of louder whimpers.

"Look what you did," I said with a sigh, as I began to rock her back and forth in my arms. 

"I don't think she can understand me," Mark mumbled. 

"It's okay, don't worry, yer doofus daddy didn't mean it."

It was surprisingly heartbreaking to hear her cry, she was so miserable and I couldn't help but blame Mark which was ridiculous because she certainly wasn't crying because of what Mark had said. 

Then again, what did I know? 

Practically nothing.

When the cries began to fade, and the baby fell asleep on my shoulder, I realised Mark, Cry and Felix had pulled themselves into a circle around each other, Dodger had switched seats with Mark and was sitting on her phone and at the other side, Ken was almost guzzling down that bottle of coke. 

It was while Felix was speaking that her cries calmed down, I heard something along the lines of "we didn't talk" and they all looked so serious, very deep in conversation. They must've been talking about Cry and Felix's coming out. 

"Maybe you should talk about this later, now that she's calmed down," I said hesitantly, looking back and forth between all three of them. "It's not really our business."

"No, it's okay," Mark said. 

"We're not finished, we'll take it outside," said Felix, and this proved that my fleeting suspicions were correct. 

He stood up and offered a hand to Cry, who grabbed it, then both of them turned to Mark. The latter gave them a contemptuous look - almost childlike, in my opinion - for a couple of seconds, before issuing an impatient growl saying "good" and then he left the room quickly, his feet stomping on the floor as he left. I saw Felix roll his eyes, look down at Cry and then quickly drag his boyfriend out of the room after Mark. 

An awkward silence fell as soon as the door was closed again, and I bit my lip distractedly. 

"So, how was it?" Ken asked almost instantly - probably happy that he didn't have Felix and Cry to tell him off anymore. 

"How was what?"

He settled back in his chair, if he'd leaned back any more he'd have probably slipped off, and then he shrugged his shoulders. 

"Being pregnant."

I thought about it for a few seconds.

"I don't know," I said honestly. It was the first time somebody had actually asked me that question directly and I didn't actually know how to respond. "It was weird," I said, attempting to find a way to describe it. "And exhausting and I was annoyed, and it was painful but I had my moments. It was nice sometimes."

"I think the key word is 'weird'," he said as he rubbed the back of his head, "not to be, y'know, rude or anything, but I thought you were trying to pull some kind of prank on Mark for a while." 

"I can't blame ya fer that."

"It feels kinda weird talking about it, honestly," he said, "I mean, you're a guy and, two days ago, you went into labor right In front of me, it's kinda weird."

I felt my cheeks heat up and I looked down, Dodger reached up to rub my arm. She knew this wasn't her conversation but she wanted to be a comfort, I couldn't thank her enough. 

"I'm sorry," I said. "I know it isn't normal but, well, it happened," I kissed the baby's cheek and smiled. "And I have this little one as proof."

"Yeah," Ken half-whispered and I looked up. "She's gorgeous. She sleeps a lot, though; I think I'll be a lot more helpful when she's older and can kick a ball or play video games or something."

I smiled for a second before I realised that by the time she's be able to kick a ball, she might not be with me and my smile disappeared. 

"Sorry," Ken said apologetically, "I know you guys haven't decided what to do."

"It's okay," I said, and I forced myself to smile.

"Okay, why don't we change the subject? I'm not good with all that emotional stuff and I don't think we need Dodger to speak for both of us," he said, Doder laughed beside me - it was almost like she was part of them now and they'd only known each other for an hour, at most. She really did have a way with people. Ken didn't give me time to answer before he continued on. "So, are you going to prom with Mark?"

"He asked me to go and I said yes," I hesitated for a second. "I don't think I'm going though."

"Have you told him that?" Dodger asked. 

"Yeah, I tried."

"Why?" She asked. "You're not planning on just leaving him, right? I don't know the guy but I've never seen you look at someone like that before."

I pulled back a little and peeked down at the baby, realising she was lost to dreamland, then I looked up at Dodger. 

"No, I just don't think it's a good idea fer me to go."

She frowned. 

"Why not?"

"Because ... because it just isn't." I said vaguely.

She snorted. 

"Whatever the reason is, it's bullshit," Ken interjected. 

"What?"

"You have a habit of, like, devaluing yourself. I haven't spoke to you as much as the others but you're doing it now," he sighed. 

"I-I'm not devaluing myself," I said. 

Dodger and Ken both glanced at each other, then me, and they really didn't look convinced. Our conversation was ended when somebody came in, it wasn't Cry, Felix and Mark like I'd hoped but it was Sydney carrying a bottle. 

"I think it's feeding time," she said taking a step towards the bed handing me the bottle. 

Sydney left soon after, apparently having enough confidence in me that she thought I could do this myself without making a mess, and I did too. 

"She's a glutton," Dodger commented. 

"Yeah, are all babies like that?" Ken questioned. 

"No, apparently this one's ridiculously hungry," I said, smiling down at the child, her eyes half-closed. 

"She's gonna be all cute and chubby," he said with a grin. 

"You should've seen me when I was a baby," Dodger said. "I was nothing but a ball of fat, look at me now!" She commented, pointing to her semi-flat stomach and Ken nodded, laughing loud. 

Yep, Dodger had really made her mark on the group. 

Cry, Felix and Mark returned minutes later and I had to breathe a sigh of relief after realising that nobody looked angry and nobody had been beat up, I was honestly expecting someone to get hurt. 

"We're okay," Mark announced. 

"No more repressed feelings?" I asked.

"No more repressed feelings," he said before shifting his gaze towards me. "Oh, is it already feeding time?" He asked. 

"I think it's obvious who mom and dad are here," Cry chuckled. 

It was very clear what he meant, and unfortunately, there was nothing I could do to deny it. 

Mark was the sweet dad from all those movies; he forgot about important things but remembered minor things and he, despite having good intentions, tended to mess up a lot. 

I, on the other hand, was the mom from the movies; trying to do the right thing and getting overly-hysterical when something didn't follow my plan. 

"Hey, I just realised that you guys have been here for about an hour, none of you have even held her," Mark said, he then looked at Cry and Felix. "Come on, hold her."

Felix glanced at me, then the baby and then to Mark nervously. Mark shook his head and leaned down, asking me to pass her to him, I obliged and he slowly carried her over to Felix - the one guy that looked the most reluctant. 

"I'll drop her," Felix worried, lifting his hands in the air. 

"No you won't," Mark said quietly. "Support the head with your forearm, hold her close to your chest and you'll be fine." 

Felix nodded and reached out his arms, Mark placed her there and it looked like Felix instantly knew what to do, he slowly pulled her back into his chest and smiled looking down at her, his eyes lit up. 

"She's gorgeous," he said slowly. 

"Yeah," Cry said, leaning over Felix's shoulder to get a better look. 

"Introduce yourselves," Mark instructed. 

Felix's smile widened and he couldn't seem to take his eyes off the baby in his arms. 

"Hey, uh, I'm Felix and this is Cry," Felix said to her. "I guess we're kinda your uncles, your dad's best friends."

"You're not gonna have to worry about anything, we're gonna look after you. Even if your dad's are being idiots and, let's face it, they're gonna be sometimes," Cry chuckled. "God, this feels weird."

Felix looked up at him with his big smile and, in that moment, they looked so in love. It made e feel really happy, they could finally act like this in front of their friends. 

They looked completely at ease. Calm, happy. They whispered things to her, things I couldn't hear, but I knew it was all good things. Maybe they were already in love too. She had that hold on people. 

This continued for a while, Dodger and I talked briefly while they had their exchange. 

Ken held her, but briefly, because he looked legitimately terrified of hurting her.

Dodger had the most experience with babies and I didn't worry while she held Gracie and made a thousand promises to the baby in her arms. Promises I knew she'd keep if she had the chance. 

"Guys," Ken spoke up in the middle of Cry's rambles. "We should probably go, Carson said he wanted to talk to us at six."

Cry and Felix let out audible groans. 

"Didn't he ask about me?" Mark asked, raising his eyebrow. 

"No, we told him you had family stuff to deal with," Felix told him. 

"Thanks."

Everybody left after that, Dodger said she'd be on call and that she should probably get back to studying, they said their goodbye's and I noticed they all seemed to spend a little more time with the baby. 

As soon as they were out the door, Mark let out a loud grunt and jumped on the bed. He sat in his usual position with his arm around my shoulders, Gracie in my arms and his hand rested on her. 

"How is it possible that dealing with other people is the most gruelling part of having a baby?" He whined.

I watched him curiously. 

"Are you sure everything's okay between you guys?"

"It is," he said with a genuine smile. 

I imperceptibly nodded in response.

"She has a good life," Mark sighed, staring down at our daughter. "All she does is eat and sleep, I want to do that!"

"You can do that when yer ninety, it's something ta look forward to."

"Yeah. Maybe. Are you gonna look after me? "

"Sure, I'll feed you with a bottle and everything."

"Great, I look forward to it." 

We spent the next few minutes in a comfortable silence. I was just about to say how tired I was and ask Mark if he wanted to keep the baby for an hour or two but he spoke before me.

"I did something," He said. "If I tell you what it is, can you promise you won't get angry?" 

I suddenly felt restless and glanced up at him with confusion, I knew I wouldn't be angry - at least I hoped it wasn't bad enough to make me angry. 

"What did you do?" I asked. 

To be honest, I was half-convinced that he was going to tell me that he'd found someone else or he'd changed his mind about keeping the baby and decided he didn't want me either. 

"Look, I don't know how you're gonna react but I hope it's not bad-"

"Tell me what you did and then you'll find out."

"Okay, just don't get mad, please."

"I won't," I promised.

"Okay, okay," he said with a sigh. "I might've...called your sister."

Of all the things he could have said, that was the least of my worries. 

"W-what? Why?"

"I don't know, I thought it would be nice if she knew and she came to visit too," He said, glancing at me as if to say 'tell me this is okay'. 

"Visit?" I repeated, ignoring his smile, "she's coming here?"

"Yeah, she ... She said she'd be here, with your brothers and sisters, at six or seven."

I shot a quick glance at the clock on the wall.

"So, now," I remarked with a slight sigh, "you couldn't tell me before now?" I rolled my eyes. "All of them are coming?"

He smiled again. "Sorry?"

I shook my head.

"You're not angry at me then?" He asked. 

"No, I'm not angry," I said. "I have nothing against them."

"I know, and that's why I called Juliet."

"And how did you get her number?"

He shrugged. "I took your phone."

"I could've had nudes on there," I smirked. 

He raised an eyebrow and his nervous smile turned into a smirk. 

"You have nudes on your phone?"

No. 

"Maybe. Who knows?"

He frowned and held up a finger to place it on the tip of my nose.

"If there's any pictures of you out there, I can assure you they'll be mine one way or another."

He moved his finger away. 

"Better start looking."

"Oh, I will," he said, "believe me."

And I believed him.

We went quiet again and, honestly, I didn't care that much. It was nice to spend time together, all three of us, without discussing things or crying. 

There were so many things to talk about, I hadn't forgotten about that, but it was too easy to pretend that everything was okay, that nothing would change, so I did. 

As soon as the clock struck half past six, I heard Mark snoring and turned my head to find him fast asleep with his head cocked to the side and his glasses skewed. 

"I think your dad is tired," I said, patting the baby's tummy and she let out a small cry. 

"You're great when you aren't crying, you know?" I said as she wiggled her hands in the air. 

I continued to pet her stomach and, soon enough, she fell asleep too. 

Apparently I was the only one who could stay awake. 

Falling asleep with her in my arms wasn't a good idea and I didn't want to wake Mark up, if anybody deserved a nap it was him. 

That being the case I could not help but think.

Was this what it'd be like if I kept her?

Was this what it felt like to have your own family?

Was this what the future held for me?

First, I looked at Mark, his chest rose and fell rhythmically, he looked relaxed. He looked so at peace with himself. Then I turned to the baby; she was quiet, she had no reason not to be. 

Having the chance to have a moment like this wasn't bad, actually, it was gorgeous. Having Mark's arm around my shoulders and my baby in my arms filled me with a sense of serenity, security, comfort, warmth and I couldn't even deny it was there. 

A knock on the door snapped me out of my thoughts and my head snapped around to see who it was. The first thing I saw was Juliet's face, then her body. Then Hadley, David and James followed behind her. 

"Beautiful room," was the first thing Hadley said as her eyes flicked around the room, watching the colorful walls. 

"Sean, are you okay?" David asked, hesitantly as everybody but Juliet approached. 

The worry on their faces was almost hilarious - it would've been if it wasn't for the fact that they had good reason to be worried. 

"I'm fine, yeah," I said. "Are you guys just gonna stand there all day?"

"I- Oh no," Juliet said. She bit her lip for a second and then turned her head. I heard her mumble something to someone else outside the door and out of my sight, and I frowned with confusion. 

"Be good," I heard, her voice rougher and angrier. 

"Don't get mad, okay?" James said, calmly. 

"For what?" I asked.

I received no answer. 

Not a verbal answer, at least. 

Juliet walked inside but instead of closing the door, she left it wide open. I was going to ask her to close it, but my words got stuck in my throat and anxiety washed over me. 

"What are you doing here?" I asked weakly, staring at my mother who, judging by her expression, was almost as nervous as I was. Almost. 

She stopped a couple of meters from the bed. 

"It has been a month," she said hesitantly. "I thought it was-"

"It's your fault," I interrupted, greatly surprised that my voice was still intact.

She nodded. "I know, and I didn't come here to ask for you to forgive me, I just wanted to know you were okay."

Her eyes fell on the baby that I had in my arms, and I saw her face whiten. 

She said nothing; she didn't comment on the fact that her granddaughter was less than three meters away. Either she still didn't believe it or she didn't care. 

"I'm fine," I said, trying to keep an impassive tone, I stopped then looked down. "So is she, by the way."

I calmed down again and I wished that Mark was awake. But from what I could tell, he was still in a deep sleep, so I had to deal with this myself. Maybe it was better.

My Ma's jaw clenched, but she still looked impassive. 

"I'm glad," she said. 

I looked down and I bit my lip. It was hard to deal with situations like this. 

She refused to accept the truth when I told her I was gay, she had chosen her boyfriend, who we barely knew, instead of me, her son, she kicked me out of my own home after I told her I was pregnant. She was aware of all this, I knew that. 

She didn't care about me, at least she didn't care enough, to do what a parent should have done. 

I'd wished that she'd come to terms with this, accept her son was gay, accept he was pregnant and that he had a daughter of his own. 

Judging from the way she was acting, she didn't want to accept it. She didn't care, just like she hadn't a month ago and it hurt. It fucking hurt. 

"Okay, i-if that's all ya wanted, go," I said quietly.

"Jack, you can't-"

"Don't do it, Ma," I interrupted, staring at her with nothing but contempt. "Ya don't have a right to come here and do...whatever the hell this is. You threw me outta the house because yer fuckin' ass of a boyfriend couldn't digest the fact he'd have'ta live under the same roof as a gay person."

Her jaw tightened further, I was sure that her teeth and jaw were in danger at this point. 

"You're not gay, Jack," she said. "I raised you well, don't try-"

"Of course I am," I shot back, gritting my teeth.

The only reason I wasn't screaming was because I didn't want to wake the baby up but it was so tempting because when I looked at her, all I felt was anger. It made my chest burn and my blood boil, leaving in its wake a craving to scream, kick and throw something. 

"I'm not gay by choice. That has nothing to do with you or with anyone else, just me. It isn't something I chose, it's part of me and I can't help it. You can't do shit ta change that."

"But you can't be su-"

"I know I'm gay," I snapped.

"What, Sean? If you really think you're gay, then what- "

"See this guy sleeping?" I interrupted. 

Her eyes flicked to Mark then back to me and she nodded slightly. 

"You've only met him once but I don't think ya remember him, his name is Mark and as you'll notice, he's a man," I swallowed, mentally patting myself on the back for staying so calm. "I have a baby with him and I love him." 

"You think that means anything?"

I didn't look at her for a long time but I glanced towards my siblings, who'd all taken seats, and who were staring at my mother like a pack of angry wolves. 

"I don't approve," she said finally. "And I know you aren't gay, you and Brooke had a relationship and I know it was on a physical level a-"

"Yeah, and ta be honest, it wasn't that good," I told her flatly. 

"Not everything that's right is pleasurable," she said. 

"No ma, I'm pretty sure sex is supposed to be pleasurable," I said. 

"Then maybe you haven't tried hard enough."

"I think I enjoyed having sex with Mark actually," I shot back. 

She let out a long breath and gave me an annoyed look.

"I didn't come here to discuss your sex life ..."

"Then stop talking about it, accept I'm gay or fuck off."

She dropped her arms to her sides and sighed. 

"It's clear you aren't coming home then."

I laughed sarcastically.

"I have a baby," I said. "How d'ya want me ta explain this to Ian?"

"You want to keep that thing?" She asked, ignoring my question.

"Don't ever call my daughter a thing again," I snarled, temporarily losing my cool. I felt it again. Anger boiling in the pit of my stomach, I was finding it really hard to keep myself from yelling and shouting and causing a ruckus. "And I don't know, maybe."

She took a step forwards and leaned over to get a good look at Gracie. 

"She's beautiful," she said. "She looks a lot like you."

"Well, she is my daughter." 

I don't think she knew how to respond because everything went silent, it was uncomfortable. My mother was still staring at the baby, my siblings looked like they were ready to rip her to shreds and I felt kind of embarrassed by all of this. 

"What?" I turned and found Mark slowly opening his eyes, he didn't get a chance to wake up fully before he found everyone sitting there and his eyes widened almost comically. "Oh, hey."

Everything went silent. If it was awkward before, it was nothing compared to this. 

"I'm leaving," my Ma said, breaking the silence. She took a few steps back and I noticed the way she was twisting her hands. "Let me know if you need anything, okay?"

"Let me know when Ian's gone" I replied quickly. I froze for a second before adding, "and when you've decided ta go back to being my mother."

Her face darkened, she opened her mouth to say something, but closed it shortly after. She repeated the movement twice before coughing. 

"Bye for now," she said then turned. "I love you, Sean," then she left the room and took off down the hall. 

As soon as the door was closed, I heard James let out an audible sigh. 

"Ya grew some balls, bro!" He said loudly, making the others laugh, I had to glare at Mark to make him shut up. 

"Seriously though, Jack," Hadley giggled. "I've never seen you like that before, it was like some kind of revolution!"

"A revolution," I repeated. "So what one am I? The common folk or the authorities?"

"Of course, the common folk," she said with a shrug. 

"So, you aren't gonna come home?" Juliet asked.

"Why should I?" I asked, "even if it wasn't fer her," i pointed to the sleeping baby in my arms. "I'd be gone in a few months anyway." 

"You're going to college?" David asked, his mouth slightly agape, and I wasn't sure wether to be offended or not. 

I shook my head.

"This year has been hectic, I don't really have the energy fer it." I sighed. 

"So, what're you gonna do now?"

I turned to Mark. A slight smile pulled at the corners of his mouth. 

"We haven't yet decided whether to keep the baby," I said, turning to them. "Or really, anything about the future."

"Doesn't she have a name?" Juliet asked, leaning forwards to get a closer look which was kind of weird - Juliet had always had a dislike for babies. 

"No, I mean, she has a technical name," I said. "It's just kinda weird ta use it when we don't know if that'll be her name for the rest of her life."

"What have ya been calling her?"

"Baby?" Mark said slowly, almost uncertainly. 

"That has to be a violation of human rights or something."

I frowned. "What-"

"Everyone has a name," Juliet said. 

"Oh look who's the smart ass now," I said, raising my eyebrows.

Hadley giggled. 

"Oh god, Jack, ya start thinking a lot when you're stuck with Ian fer a month by yourself," Juliet whined. "You shoulda seen these guys earlier, totally tore him a new one!" She chortled. 

"What happened?"

"Me and James blocked the doors in the kitchen, David and Hadley extensively questioned and yelled at them, not to say me and James didn't tear 'em a new one too."

She looked up proudly. 

"Sorry fer bringing her here," Hadley apologised, pushing her curls out of her face. 

"It's okay," I told them. 

"Are ya sure?"

"Yeah, it was kind of a good thing," I shrugged then looked to Juliet. "How has it been living with Ma and Ian?"

"Hell, I get time to myself maybe once a day if I'm lucky." 

"Lemme guess, they're trying ta make the 'perfect family' right?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"It isn't working," Juliet chuckled. "I'm pretty sure I'm doing a good job of that, but they're...uh..."

"What?"

"I think Ma and Ian want a baby."

I audibly groaned. 

"What is it?"

"This family is a fucking mess and it's not even funny. If they have a baby then my daughter's gonna be older than it's aunt or uncle."

"Can you even have kids when yer that old?" David asked, his face contorted - he clearly wasn't happy about this either. 

I shrugged, not knowing what to say.

"Hell if I know, didn't Ian say he couldn't have kids? And that he didn't like 'em? Either way, I wouldn't wish that man upon anyone."

"I don't see him being a dad," James grumbled. "God, I hope Ma thinks about this, just 'cause dad left doesn't mean she has ta jump on the first asshole that comes along."

"All Ma knows is assholes, dad was an asshole and Ian's an asshole." Juliet commented. 

"How d'ya handle it, Jules?"

"Ma and Ian?"

"That, and everything else."

"I'm fine," she shrugged "Ian thinks I'm fuckin' royalty 'cause I play soccer, don't think he's happy with me fer kicking him though."

The others laughed and it actually made me happy that they were on my side in all of this. Mark, the guys, Dodger and Mark's family would back me up like their own lives depended on it, but these guys were my brothers and sisters - my family - and I couldn't have been more grateful to have them in my corner, I was stepping into a new chapter of my life - with or without Gracie- and I needed them. 

"Don't start shit with Ian, Jules" I warned her. "Seriously, ya don't have anywhere ta go right now."

"No, I know, I'm not stupid," she laughed. "Not like you."

"Believe me, I'm better where I am," I said and Mark nodded beside me, resting his head on my shoulder. 

"We know," she said thoughtfully, "you know, sitting like that, you look like a family." 

"Are you two together?" Hadley asked and all of their eyes landed on Mark. 

"Er, we're working on it," Mark said. "I have to get rid of a crazy girlfriend, first."

"Crazy girlfriend?" James grinned. "How crazy are we talking?"

"In every way possible," Mark replied. 

James' smile widened again. 

"Even with sex?" He asked vaguely.

"Yeah, even that." I heard him cough out a laugh. "That was basically the only good thing ."

"Is she hot?"

"James, shut up," I said before Mark had a chance to respond.

"I was just wondering," he said, rolling his eyes.

"Curiosity killed the cat."

"I wasn't-" he was cut off. 

He was cut off by Gracie whining and he perked up, leaning forwards instantly. 

"Come on, don't cry," I said softly. "You've been so good today, don't cry, please?" 

She wiggled her arms for a minute or two whimpering a little, but she didn't cry. She stared up, a little line of drool ran down her cheek and I pet her tummy lightly. 

"See?" I said, "it's much better like this, right?"

None of them answered but Hadley and David were smiling like idiots. 

"Why do kids drool so much?" Juliet asked and James nodded as if to say he was wondering the same thing. James McLoughlin - a twenty-four year old man - was getting grossed out by some drool. 

"She's young, she can't help it," I said defensively. "Yer barely one ta talk, Jules, you drooled like crazy until you were five."

"Well, I was young and I couldn't help it, right?" She grinned. "Anyway, Jacky, we should probably go."

"What? Already?" I asked, I really wanted them to stay. "Ya haven't even held the baby."

"I thought she had a name."

"Okay, ya haven't even held Gracie."

"Gracie," she repeated, testing the word. "I think I like it."

"It's cute," Hadley agreed. 

"Come on, I want her ta meet one of ya." I said. 

Hadley stood up from her seat, clearly volunteering, and slowly took Gracie from me. She clearly knew what she was doing and walked back to her seat, the others shifted closer, almost surrounding her. 

"She's got yer eyes," David commented. 

"Jack, this is still crazy, I can't believe you made her, she's gorgeous." 

They stayed for a while longer, ogling over her. They loved her already, I loved her, my friends loved her, Mark's family loved her and Mark loved her. She was so loved. 

They complimented her a lot and I couldn't help but smile. The fact that none of them had even questioned any of this made me even happier; I didn't want to explain this again and again - it looked like Juliet had already done that part for me. 

When Hadley handed her back to me, they gave me hugs and left but Juliet lingered behind for a little while longer. 

"I'll come by and see ya soon, baby bro," she said, hugging me. 

"Last time ya said that, ya barely spoke to me fer two weeks."

"Wow," she guffawed. "You've turned into a serious girl."

"Weren't ya going somewhere?"

She nodded and left, not before she pet Gracie's tummy and whispered something incoherent, causing Mark and I to smile. 

"Love ya!" I called after her. 

"Fuck you," were her last words as she left the room and slowly closed the door behind her, Juliet's own special way of saying 'I love you'. 

Mark and I sat for a minute. 

"Thanks," 

"Are you happy I called her?"

"I kinda forgot how much I missed them," I shrugged. "Yeah, I'm happy."

"Hm, yeah," He hesitated for a second. "Sorry I wasn't awake when your mom was here, I could've helped."

"It's okay," I said. "Nothing happened."

"You had a fight?"

"No, it wasn't a real fight," I told him. "She refused to accept the fact that I'm gay, kind of accepted that Gracie existed, then she left."

"He deserved anything she got," he said. I frowned, and he pursed his lips. "I'm sorry, but she deserves it."

"She's my Ma, I kinda feel bad."

"At least Ian isn't your dad."

"You always know what ta say Mark," I rolled my eyes and he began laughing. 

"We'll be home tomorrow," he said, changing the subject. 

I nodded and gave a simple "mm". Not that I didn't understand what he meant, I just wanted to avoid it for as long as possible. 

"We haven't talked to my mom yet."

And here we go again. 

"No, we haven't."

"You are aware that we have to talk about it, right?"

"Not necessarily," I defended myself. "We can decide one thing now then if we don't like it we can change our minds."

"It's gonna be harder."

"But at least we have more-"

"No."

"Mark come on, give me a chance to-"

"No."

"Don't be so stubborn, I'm just saying that-"

"No!"

"Oh what the hell, just hear me-"

"No, Jack! It isn't happening." His tone was firm - not angry, but firm. "I love you, Jack, I don't this to be any harder on you so I'm not letting you put this off."

"I'm not," I protested, "I just want another few weeks to decide."

"But we only have a little while to do this," he said. "We need an answer."

"But you heard what the adoption agency woman said," I tried. "They can't do anything until we both sign those documents."

"Jack, look, we need to decide, I know it's hard but we really need to do this," Mark said pleadingly. "My mom won't be here until tomorrow and I think we need her here so let's talk about it now."

I took a deep breath and looked down, 

"I'm scared," I said, my voice weak. "What if I make the wrong decision? What do we do?"

"If we ever think we made the wrong decision then we'll deal with it then, but consider this," he said hesitantly. "We're so attached to her already, you can't handle her leaving the room, do you really want yourself to be miserable?"

"We don't have any money, you're staring college, we can't afford ta keep her."

"We have a plan, remember?"

"Yeah, but it's not-"

"And we both know what you want."

I was in the process of opening my mouth to protest, to tell him that he was wrong and that I had no idea what I wanted to do, but what was the point? He was right, and he was already aware that I knew he was right, but that didn't change the fact that this wasn't about what I wanted. I wasn't even nineteen years old and I was already trying to make a decision that would impact my life forever. 

If I was a normal boy my age, I'd be worrying about what I wanted to do with my life; not what I wanted to do with my two day old daughter. 

If I decided to give her up for adoption, It would probably torture me for the rest of existence and I'd never forget about it. I would be destroyed and worn out for who knows how long, constantly thinking about her, never forgetting. If I decided to keep her, I'd possibly feel guilty for ruining not only my life but Gracie and Mark's too. 

So what decision was best? 

Eternally feeling like I'd lost someone close and never forgetting about my daughter who'd be growing up without me or having to take responsibility of another life and having the power to fuck up more than one life if I slipped up. 

"Yeah, I know," I said finally, swallowing. "But that doesn't make it any easier."

"But we have to do this."

I nodded again, swallowing once.

"I know."

The room was once again enveloped with silence, nothing could be heard but our steady breathing. 

Shortly after he sighed heavily again.

"I won't hate you, you know," he said. "If you decide to give her up, I'll still love you."

"You've already kicked up about it."

"Because I knew I didn't want to give her up," he said. "But if you tell me you don't want to keep her, I'll respect that. I'll still love you."

I felt my eyes water but I fought the tears back, crying wouldn't solve anything. 

"Really?"

He moved on the bed to get more comfortable, so that my head rested on his cheek.

"Yeah," he said gently stroking my cheek.

"Okay," was all I managed to say, and those were the last words we said to each other that night.

Wednesday, May 12th

Ara entered the room with a soaked raincoat and a frown on her face on Wednesday morning. I was back in my normal clothes - if sweatpants and one of my extra-large T-shirts could be defined "normal" - and I was sitting on top of the covers instead of underneath them. 

Gracie was sleeping in my arms again, while Mark was sitting on the end of the bed with my feet resting on his legs, he'd been pretty insistent on a 'foot massage' to help me relax. 

He was really good at it, believe it or not, and I actually had to remind myself not to let myself get too caught up in it. 

"I see you've been behaving," Ara said as she closed the door and approached the chair by the window.

"I've been great," Mark said. "Look at me, looking after him!"

"Hey, you offered to do this," I said, pointing a finger.

"You let me,"

"Y'know, I already told ya how I feel about this,"

"Whatever you say, darling."

I stuck my tongue out at him and he slapped my leg making me emit a loud squeak, I then hit him lightly with my foot making him laugh and fling it away from him. 

"So," Ara said, clapping her hands to get our attention. "Did you two only want me here so that I could watch you flirt with each other?"

My cheeks grew hot, and I looked down, but Mark wasted no time in responding. 

"Of course not," he said. "What guy wants to show his mom how he flirts?"

"You've done some strange things Mark," Ara responded, smirking. 

"Well, my wild and rebellious days are over mom."

"Good. You've been a nightmare."

"I was an angel," he countered. "A beautiful angel."

"You were a little shit."

"You're the one who raised me, so if I was a little shit - which I wasn't - it's your fault." 

"I think that might've been your own doing since Thomas turned out so well." Without even giving him a chance to answer, she clicked her tongue and continued, "so, why did you really want me here?"

Mark turned to me and raised his eyebrows as if to ask: 'Are you ready?' And I nodded. 

"Okay," Mark said, clearing his throat. "We need you to help us decide what we're going to do, we're having some problems."

"And what's the problem?"

"The problem is that Jack is one hundred percent sure it'd be unfair to keep Gracie and that she'd be miserable with us."

Ara turned to me with a frown on her face.

"Why do you think that'll happen?" She asked.

"I don't know," I froze for a second. "It's not that we're bad parents but I'm scared we're gonna mess up."

"All parents feel that way," she said, her lips curved in a slight smile. "Especially with their first child, you should've seen me when I was pregnant with Thomas, I lost count of how many times I completely lost it, I was so scared."

"Yeah, but this is different," I sighed. it, "You're not a man and you weren't in high school when he was born."

"No, I was in college," she said directly. "I had to leave college to take care of him. My parents were furious and none of my friends could help me because they were too busy getting ready for their exams, Ralph included," 

I licked my lips absentmindedly. 

"My parents already hate me for who I am ... Well, my dad doesn't know because he's been gone for a while but my Ma definitely hates me." I frowned. "But the point is, I have no stability. None. I don't wanna be one of those parents that can't even look after their own kids."

With a pensive look on her face, she leaned back against the chair and stared at me for a few seconds. 

"Is that the only reason you'd consider giving Gracie up for adoption?"

"I- yeah, but ... it's a good reason," I said hesitantly, slightly surprised by her reaction. "Right?"

"You tell me," she said. The way she spoke reminded me more of a therapist than the Ara I'd come to know. 

"It isn't," said Mark. 

He stopped massaging my feet and I whined, waving my foot in front of him. He said nothing but smiled and continued. 

"We all know what you want, Mark, so your opinion isn't necessary," Ara stated. "I know you want a good life for her, Jack, but you have to take your own feelings into this too."

"What if I do?" I asked, "What would happen-"

"And what would happen if keeping her turned out to be the better choice?" She interrupted. "All three of you would love a happy life together and you'd be happy."

I bit my lip and swallowed. "And if it wasn't?"

"Then it would be damn easy for you to change your mind about giving her up for adoption."

It took me a few seconds to figure out what she meant, frowning at the wall. 

Eventually I gave up and I gave her a confused look.

She smiled and sat up straight. "If you decide to give her up for adoption, then you would realize that this was a bad decision because it would be very difficult; technically speaking, it wouldn't be too hard to give her up, it wouldn't take much but you might sign those documents and regret it instantly, Jack. Think about how you'll feel in the long run, will you be okay?"

I tried to say something but each time I opened my mouth, I couldn't speak. I kept thinking of something else to say, trying to find an argument but-

"I don't think so." I sighed. 

Why had I never been able to see this from Mark's point of view? 

Everything Ara said made sense. 

We could give her up for adoption and it would be irreversible, permanent, or we could take her with us and have the opportunity to give her up if we really realised we couldn't do this and we knew she wouldn't be happy. 

Of course, if Mark hadn't been so stubborn before she was born we'd have already made a decision and this would've been easier, we would've had time to prepare ourselves but there was no way to make him change his mind. 

I looked down at Gracie, watching carefully as her chest rose and fell gently, her mouth slightly agape and her hand still balled up. 

"You're pretty happy here, right?" I said softly. "You know we care about ya, right?"

I received no answer, of course, and as a result I looked at Mark.

"Why is this so hard?" I asked weakly.

"You're a human being like everyone else, that's why," he chuckled. I felt sick, nervous, my anxiety was getting worse and I looked to Ara for help. 

"W-what do you think we should do?" I asked. 

She smiled but the smile disappeared soon as she stared forwards, thoughtfully. 

"I don't ..." She faltered biting her lip a little, "I don't think it's a good idea to give her up. You've really bonded with her, you won't even let the nurse take her at night so I'd hate to see how you'd react if somebody else had her, permanently."

"But if-"

"She'll be fine," she interrupted gently. "I'll be there to help, Ralph too, you won't be alone."

I had to break eye contact with her, focusing my eyes on Gracie instead. I tried to imagine it; giving her to Alana - or somebody else who had the same ice cold expression - and not being able to do anything as she was taken away from me. The very thought made a lump rise in my throat, and I let out a shaky breath as I tried to hold back tears. 

With trembling fingers, I caressed one of her hands, feeling how indescribably soft they were, she was so innocent, she needed me. She was so ... small. Too small, too fragile for somebody else to take care of her forever. 

Suddenly, her hands moved, despite still being asleep, and before I knew it, her fingers clasped my finger. I wasn't able to think about anything after that but I leaned down and gently touched my face with that little hand. 

I moved my gaze on Mark. A pure expression of panic on his face. We stared at each other for a full minute, without speaking, completely emotionless. Then I spoke. 

"Y-you just n-need to promise," I whispered, "I need ya to promise me that we ... that we'll be fine."

Slowly he moved toward me, the panic fading. 

"We'll be fine," he said softly. "I promise you."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

His eyes were sincere and I believed his promise. I found it difficult not to. I bit my lip furiously before blinking and moving my gaze to my daughter. 

"Okay." I whispered. "Okay."

His eyes widened so ridiculously that I was sure they were going to pop out.

"Okay?" He repeated, his voice slightly hysteric. "You mean..."

I looked up and tried to smile, but I think the result was something that looked more like the grin on a Halloween mask. I felt my heart beating fast which then led to a nauseous feeling in my stomach. It was a terrible feeling. 

 

I was so scared. So scared of the future, so scared of what was coming, but I was excited. I was happy. I would have my little girl with me, I'd have Mark. 

As soon as I saw Mark's wide eyes and red cheeks, I took a deep breath and nodded. 

His eyes widened even more - like tennis balls - and his jaw dropped. 

I nodded again, faster this time. 

"Yes!" He cheered. "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are, they're keeping her! Everyone's met Gracie and I think it's safe to say she's made them all fall in love with her little perfect self! 
> 
> One more to go! I can already feel myself getting upset! 
> 
> Anyway, have a good day/night!


End file.
